I heard these words a few days ago while lifting weights with some teenage boys at the gym. They normally see me fully clothed, but this time I took my sweatshirt off. I was sweating like a pig, just got over a virus and felt dizzy. I’m not ashamed to say that I felt like a million bucks when the 17 year old said that to me. Here he is in the prime of his life, and he’s looking at a 40 year old with admiration. Felt good.
The last time I heard something like this was when I was in college. I started lifting weights in a big way and was making fast progress. I looked damn good. I was getting on the elevator with a guy from my dorm. He was a football player for our school. “Damn son, you gettin’ BIG!” Same effect. I smiled for about 3 hours. Yes, even dudes like a little validation every now and again.
I’ve thought about when I’ve been the happiest in my personal relationships with women. Was there ever a time when things were going well for me and not a drama-filled soap opera ? Oh yeah. At the end of college and a few years into my post-college career… the early 20’s… and right now. Is it a coincidence that I was the most “jacked” during those two time periods? Nope.
A man needs to feel like he can take care of himself and can take care of his family. He needs to be able to look at himself in the mirror and say “Damn.” A man should fill out a shirt. Other men should give you the respectful man nod and get out of your way.
“Wait up kids… dad… fat. I hate me.”
Being “jacked” is awesome. Being awesome is… awesome. It permeates everything you do. You are respected. Women flirt with you. Men want to be your buddy. You are confident. Your work improves. Your relationships improve. As a man in his 30’s and 40’s and above… being muscular puts you in the top 1%. Just look around you. Fat dads. Everywhere.
Speaking of fat… I see a lot of guys, especially those older dudes, going down the road of “LIFT EAT EAT EAT EAT LIFT EAT EAT EAT”. They get into the “ME WANT BE STRONGER AND MORE MUSCLE” mindset. They get fat. Not healthy and not attractive. It’s important that you stay lean. All that muscle doesn’t mean anything if you look like a potato. Sure, you can lift a fridge… but nobody will give a shit and you’re not healthy. You don’t want to be a shape that women will say “ew” to.
Even a few extra pounds of fat will be enough to cover whatever muscular gains you’ve made in the gym. I tend to put on weight easily, so if I don’t really watch what I eat… I put on a quick 10 pounds like it’s nothing. Then I look sloppy. Doesn’t matter that I just did an awesome workout and pressed 100 lb dumbbells. My personal barometer is “Can I see my abs?” If so, I’m in good shape.
I’m not going to outline a workout program. Google it. “Starting Strength” is good. Any program that gets you in the gym on a regular basis is good. A program should be heavy on the weights and relatively light on the cardio. Running around the block isn’t a workout. It’s just activity that you can easily do that convinces you you’re doing SOMETHING. You need to be straining against some weights in the gym. Watch what you eat and the fat pounds will melt off. The occasional game of basketball, treadmill or stairmaster is good to keep your heart rate up and the muscles working when not lifting. Get massages. Stretch. It’s really not complicated.
Yours truly – in 2016
Again, if you hit the gym and take care of yourself… you are in the top 1%. Enjoy the spoils.
P.S.: Get your hormones checked. If your testosterone is low, you’ll just be banging your head against the wall and frustrated at your lack of progress.
You’re newly divorced. You’ve joined a fraternity of men who spent a good chunk of their adult life with one person…. but now find themselves where they never thought they would be: Deep in the crazy world of single people.
It can be surreal.
In short, dating today is really very much NOT what you expect. Not at all.
Prepare yourself, my son. This is a crash course in what the dating world is like for the divorced adult man.
I HOPE YOU LIKE TEXTING
The primary means of communication is now texting. Your dates will expect you to text at any time of the day. Since you’re a busy guy and can’t spend all day typing away at your phone… you will drive her nuts if you don’t reply right away. She’ll accuse you of playing games. This actually works in your favor. Nobody said the dating game was mature.
People today, especially young women, are now addicted to little doses of validation that they get from texts, Facebook posts, Twitter replies, etc. So, don’t be thrilled if that hot thing from the bar carries on a 990 message long conversation with you about your awesome arms. They all do that. Just try and keep it short, sweet and polite (ha, good luck).
Oh, and look up Emoji. Install it on your phone. Get used to using funny face icons. Congrats, you’re 8 years old again.
DON’T BE THAT GUY. THE DESPERATE ONE.
Women are bombarded by men. If they’re online, they’re getting hundreds of messages. If they’re at the bar, they’re getting hit on every 20 minutes. All of these women will tell you that the vast majority of these guys are NOT guys they would date seriously. BUT… a lot of them will tell you that they may be guys that they string along for free stuff. They sense the desperation and take advantage of it. Meals, presents, validation… nobody provides all of that better than the desperate guy. He thinks all this pushover behavior may one day end in a relationship (sex). It never does. Don’t be that guy. Everyone is repulsed by him. You know she’s not interested. Be honest with yourself. Don’t waste your time or hers.
DON’T LET THE BAD APPLE SPOIL THE WHOLE BUNCH. WARNING: THERE ARE A LOT OF BAD APPLES.
You’re divorced, so your past notions of “Women are angels and not at all evil like us men” have probably been squashed long ago. Don’t think that dating will help bring those old positive feelings back. In fact, you can easily slip into woman-hating mode if you allow it to take over.
If you play your cards right, you will be involved with a lot of different, attractive women. You will also witness a lot of horrible things:
Wives hitting on you.
Engaged women sending you nude selfies .
Bible-thumping, church-going women telling you that they want to fool around with you because they’re bored with life and their husbands “work too much”.
If you have the gift of gab and women find themselves frequently “opening up” to you… prepare yourself for the mindfuck. Many an evening with single women have left me with me with a semi-permanent shock face. I led such a sheltered, boring married life. I had no fucking idea.
These women are not the rule. They’re not necessarily the exception, either. They’re just broken human beings. Listen to them, take it in, learn, move on. Up to you if you want to be intimate with them. You will end up hating yourself and them more if you do… but that is your call. Sometimes we are slaves to our balls. I get it.
SINGLE WOMEN TODAY ARE HAVING A LOT OF SEX. WAY MORE THAN YOU THINK.
Unless you have specifically stated this as a firm boundary in your relationship, don’t assume that the women you are dating is being monogamous and loyal to you. She’s most likely screwing around. A lot. She may have banged a guy that morning and then met you for drinks at 4:00. You have to be cool with that. If not, your dating pool just shrank down considerably. This is the new reality in the dating world.
Condoms are your friend. Use them. STDs are rampant.
YOU WILL NOTICE PATTERNS AMONG THE AGE GROUPS
The young 20 somethings are VERY picky about the men they sleep with. They tend to like the bad boys and aren’t interested in settling down at all. They are BRUTAL when it comes to the pushover/desperate guys. They hate these guys. They are approached every day by them. This group is where the “just be an asshole” techniques work the most, unfortunately. Ignore them…and they will come running after you.
The single 30 and 40 somethings are way more open and not as picky about who they date. Why? They’re ready to settle down. They’re way more loving and emotional. Some may say it’s because they aren’t as attractive to the bad boys so they settle for the nice guys. Or, they’ve learned from life and now know what is valuable in a relationship. Might be a little of both.
Dating can suck. Hard. It’s enough to scare away decent guys who are just looking for the one soul mate in life. For those of us with an abundance mindset, and armchair psychologists like me… it’s actually pretty damn interesting.
Approach it like a game. That’s exactly what it is.
Ok… you’re in a familiar predicament. You want your wife, sexually. Sure, she doesn’t look like she used to. Sure, she nags you. Sure, she seems to be upset with life more often than not. But, dammit… she’s your wife. You love her. You gave your word to her and the people at the wedding ceremony that you would make this work no matter what. Plus, you’re a man and you have needs.
Problem: She doesn’t really seem to care much for you and has stopped wanting to have anything resembling a normal sex life with you. Attempts at opening up and communicating with her have actually made things worse. As I stated in Dissecting Dead Bedrooms, she’s just not that into you anymore. She’s given you lots of signals and tests over the years, and you have failed miserably. You’re now paying the price.
So, what to do? Well, it’s a problem and a solution as old as time. It’s simpler and cheaper than countless marriage counselor sessions. Easier than non-stop talking and communicating (you’ve undoubtedly tried this in the form of one or two real adult conversation attempts and a lot of begging, pouting and whining). Cheaper than flowers and chocolates. The solution: You just don’t give a fuck and go do something else. That something else is BETTERING YOURSELF.
That’s it. If you were just dating, you would say “NEXT!” to her and move on. But, you’re married. You gave your vows. You’re a man and you stick to your word. You don’t cheat. You don’t berate her. No whining. No pouting. No begging. You just… go away. Mentally and physically.
Where do you go?
To the gym. You work your ASS off. You hit the weights. REALLY hit the weights. You go play sports with the kids. You go for a vigorous jog. You become a physical being like you hopefully were when you were younger.
To the doctor. Get a full blood panel. Lipids. Hormones. Total and free testosterone. Sensitive Estradiol test. You can actually skip the doc for this and pay out of pocket by paying for the test ahead of time on sites like privatemdlabs.com, and then taking your paperwork to any qualifying lab to get the blood drawn. You get the results later via email. Very quick and easy process. If you see that testosterone is in the low range, and/or estrogen is high… go online and search for a testosterone clinic in your area. Regular family MD’s tend to not know anything about hormone therapy. Endocrinologists tend to only prescribe if it’s a matter of life or death. Get your levels to a high-normal and healthy level and enjoy the numerous benefits. I personally go to Body Shapes Medical.
To the clothing store! Read up on male fashion. New body means new clothes. Look better. Look like you give a shit… unlike 90% of American males today.
Hang out with guys more. Less time with ladies and more time with dudes is a good thing.
Hang out with your kids more. More one-on-one time. They’ll love to see the new you doing awesome things. You’ll get closer than ever to them.
Hobbies. Get to know them again. I like to play a little guitar and maintain this website. I also like photography and videography a great deal.
Notice what’s missing above? Your wife.
You’re not giving her flowers. You’re not sending her love notes. You’re not doing more chores around the house. You don’t reward her for being so obvious with her dislike of you. You’ve tried all of that. You’re also not being an asshole. You just have a mission and that mission is YOU. It’s been neglected for too long. She SHOULD understand that… she’s been about HER for a while now, right?
But, don’t think it will be easy.
Oh boy will she be pissed. People get pissed when they don’t have their whipping boy around any more. You had your place in the household hierarchy. She had hers. You have just flip-flopped things in a BIG way and she does not like it.
At first she may laugh at the change… “Oh, look at him. Acting all manly and going to the gym. Cute.” She may even call you out at this point. “What is this, a mid-life crisis? What’s next… a red Corvette?” You just laugh and go about your business. Maybe you give her a pat on the butt every now and then. You are NOT bothered by her manipulative ways. You don’t CARE that she finds it funny.
Then, you’re hit the slightly angry stage. “Seriously, what’s going on here? Is this going to go on forever? You’re being silly.”If she keeps pressing, you just say “Just working on myself. Long overdue, baby.”
The next stage will come quick. “Are you having a fucking affair?!” NOW you’re making progress. What this means: “You’re now looking and acting good enough for other women to find you attractive and I am worried.” This is awesome. This is where a lot of guys might fold and start explaining away everything until they look meek and stupid in their wife’s eyes. You can just smile and say “Why? Worried?”and give her a fat kiss and hard ass squeeze. Leave her wondering what the hell that was all about. Or, exaggerate: “Yep. Fucking about 5 new women a day. All young. 18 year olds. Porn stars. I fly them in on my downtime… between the kids, the gym, work, my hobbies and home time.”
Just remember: You’re doing NOTHING wrong. You’re NOT having an affair. You are just simply working on yourself. A healthy relationship would mean that your spouse would appreciate and support such changes. Maybe they get a little worried… but not angry and accusing you of wrongdoing. Her reaction is a good barometer of where your marriage is right now.
Next stage: S-E-X. Yep. This is your eureka moment. One day, you may come home to a VERY horny wife. You’ll go upstairs and you are SHOCKED by what you see waiting in the bedroom. “This is my wife?!” You have created the perfect storm of a more physically attractive man (the gym and clothes), a more interesting man (the reading and hobbies), a more social man (the friends), and a great dad (more time with kids).
You are also SCARCE. People want what they can’t have! She’s worried like hell now!
Women LOVE to know that you may be out there and wanted by other women! “He is wanted by all of THEM, but he picked ME.”
But, alas… there’s a rub. There’s always a rub.
You’ve worked so hard to get to this point. It was a lot of personal effort and sacrifice. You finally reach the promised land… and you’re not sure you like it anymore. Dammit. One of two things is going on:
You don’t find her as attractive as you used to. Your standards just went WAY up. You really ARE attractive to a lot more women now. That young gal at the coffee shop is only 21 and she asked if you’d like to stick around during her lunch break and talk. An attractive single mom from the PTO meeting randomly squeezed your bicep and said “Nice, Hercules!”Some random young woman texted you a series of sexual messages and photos out of the blue. Your wife has never looked as good as her.
You now resent your wife. You spent the last X years of your marriage getting the occasional pity sex out of her. You feel like you just had to jump through a lot of hoops to get to this point so that she can reward YOU with sex. Who the hell is she to make me do all of this to win HER? I stuck around with HER all of these years despite all of HER negatives and always loved and wanted HER. She knew how I felt about her but SHE DIDN’T CARE. I have to check off a list of her NEEDS so that she can fulfill one of mine?
It’s tough. This is the rub. You work so hard to get to this point… and now you don’t want her… and she wants you more than ever. It’s a story as old as time and perfectly explained in this clip from the awesome buddy movie, Swingers.
My advice? You’re married. You have kids. You work it out. You let her know how things are going to be from here on out. You enjoy the spoils of war. You lead by example and watch her follow. You NEVER get comfortable and take your foot off the gas. Welcome to being a MAN.
P.S. Yes… I realize there is another option in all of this: You do all then positive work and she still doesn’t want you. That sucks. But… here’s the good news. You have created the best, most attractive version of you available… and there are HUNDREDS of women near you that would be willing to enjoy your company and take pleasure in pleasing YOU.
I’m seated across from a very nice and motherly marriage counselor.
My wife is next to me. Tissue in hand. Dabbing at her eyes. I have somehow held back my tears. I don’t know why, but I just poured out my life story to the counselor. It really has no bearing at all on why we’re here… at least not directly… but it seemed right at the time. I was probably hoping for my wife or the counselor to break out into tears and sympathize with me. “We didn’t know you were so complex and interesting! You win dude of the year! Yaay! Let’s get this marriage back on track!” God, I was such an ass. I was in a state of shock and extreme anxiety. I had not slept for two days. My heart was thumping out of my chest. I had already lost 11 lbs. How is that even possible?!
I talked and talked… the counselor sat there with a concerned look on her face. She nodded and hummed sympathetically at all the right times. My wife was normally stoic and emotionless. She had a hard time with intimacy of any kind. Today she was sobbing quietly and wiping tears.. a state I had only seen before when somebody died or she was caught overspending for the 100th time.
I wrapped up my story with the line “… and now here we are with you… because I found evidence of infidelity”. You could see this took the counselor by surprise. “Oh… okay.” Not what she was expecting. My wife went immediately from sobbing damsel to angry bitch in the span of one nanosecond. She had enough of my histrionics.
“Okay, here’s the deal. We were on vacation and I stupidly left my Facebook page open and he saw messages between me and a guy… but it WAS JUST FLIRTING!!” *turning to me* “I know you don’t believe me, BUT IT’S TRUE!! WE NEVER DID ANYTHING!!”
Back to crying. Very convincing. It was a lie. One of many. She has been in an affair for three months with her personal trainer. I would later find evidence and she would admit the full extent of the affair.
The counselor was calm… “Okay then.” She went on to describe people drifting apart in marriages… boundaries… mid-life-crises… the usual boilerplate stuff. I sat and took mental notes. I am a man… a fixer. I was determined to come out of this with some nugget of information that would put things back the way they were.
I just wanted my damn life back.
Then the wife opened up about what’s wrong with me. Some of it was completely false. Reinventing history (a way to rationalize her behavior). Some of it was right on the money. Hearing all this come from her… it hurt. Who was this woman? “And I don’t like having sex with you. I never have. I just want it to hurry up and be over. I’m sorry, but it’s true!” Okay, that did it. I’m crying. She found the button to push.
The counselor has an interesting response to my tears. “You need to learn to be able to take all of her emotional vomiting and just let it roll off of you. You can’t be so hurt so easily.”
Easily?!?! Did she just hear what she said? I haven’t slept in two days because of this! This is my wife and mother of my three kids! What the fuck is going on here!? Has everyone gone mad?!
But I now get what she was saying. “Dude. She’s nuts. Big deal. Most of them are. Deal with it.” A future mantra of mine.
The issue of money came up. The wife admitted that she did have a spending problem, but me constantly picking on her about money and questioning every expense really pissed her off. She was an adult and didn’t need another dad. The counselor agreed. Wow. I was made to feel like a control freak. At one point I said something to the effect of “My wife just needs to…” and the counselor quickly cut me off, raising her voice. “No! She doesn’t NEED to do anything! That’s not for YOU to say!”It was two against one now. I was defeated again.
We wrapped up the session and drove our separate ways. She was now armed with new emotional ammo. I felt like crawling out of the office on all fours. She drove away to be with her new man. I went to pickup two kids at school and the other at daycare.
Part of her “crisis” involved her emotionally and physically disconnecting from the kids (a mental state she is still in). She wasn’t home when they woke up, and not there when they went to bed. She took them to practices and then dropped them off to “go do work stuff”. This was good enough for her.
I was told to let her move out and have her space. I did. She never came back. We only had the one counseling session. She filed for divorce immediately. This was the beginning of the new me. One day I will thank the counselor for giving me the much-needed wake up call. I needed to be torn down completely before I could build myself back up.
Let’s be really blunt here for a moment. Monogamy.. it just ain’t right. And by “right”, I mean… it just doesn’t make biological sense. It goes against the strongest of forces: Our primal urge.
I am a firm believer in science. Crazy, I know. Science tells me that we human beings are just animals. Super smart versions of the common ape. As such, we are slaves to certain underlying instinctual drives that seep through the social and moral safeguards that we put around us. In other words, no matter how much we say “I love you and only you” to our wives, that doesn’t mean that we don’t want to bang that hot young thing that keeps smiling at us at the gym. Our programming is setup to say “Bang as many young, fertile women as possible. Spread your seed. It feels good. It’s awesome. Do it again and again until you die.”But, we don’t.We wouldn’t want to do anything that hurts our beloved spouse and causes our life to crumble around us.
That “I wouldn’t want to do anything that hurts my spouse” thing? That’s reason. That’s rationality. That’s your “honor”. That’s your social intelligence recognizing the visceral feeling you have at that moment, digesting it, and coming up with a pretty good reason why you shouldn’t bend Buffy over the bench press and impregnate her right then and there. “That just wouldn’t be right. I couldn’t live with myself.”
But you know what… people DO bend the proverbial Buffy over ALL THE TIME. My eyes were opened to this after I had my divorce and started dating around and talking to other singles. Holy crap do people cheat a lot.
Why is this? What the heck is going on that people cheat left and right knowing full well the negative implications of an affair? Don’t they have the same voice in their head setting up a roadblock and stopping them from taking the next step towards a really big life mistake?
Yes, they do have that voice. The problem for some is that their moral safeguards may be temporarily down (there’s a whole host of reasons why this happens). This may in turn leave them open to attack from the competition. Once the enemy is in the gates, no amount of social intelligence or intellectual reasoning will be able to drown out the firestorm of feel good brain chemicals that an inappropriate secret relationship will create. Your task, as a man, is to prevent that from ever happening, because once it does… it’s over, Johnny.
The standard advice I give up front to men is to create the best version of you possible. The most attractive YOU may be enough to keep her eye from wandering and daydreaming about that guy from the office. Then again, it just may not be enough. You can’t be around to wow her 24/7.
So now, as a man, we’re in a bit of a pickle. You’ve done a shit ton of hard work on yourself. You’re awesome by every sense of the word … but man, your wife just did or said something that makes your instincts kick in. “Uh oh… something’s up here.” Now what do you do?
Well, two schools of thought here:
Do nothing. If she can’t see the greatness you have created for you, her and the family.. and she STILL acting inappropriately and possibly looking for validation and emotional/physical connection outside of your marriage, you just let her go do her thing. Protect yourself and start a new chapter in your life. More than one fish in the sea, right!?
Do whatever you can to stop the wife from walking towards that inappropriate line. If you sense something is up, you confront her immediately and get to the bottom of it and squash it. You have to do this VERY EARLY in the process. It’s too late if the deed has been done.
With option #1, you do come across as the tough one. “Don’t need ya. Your loss. Beat it, bitch.” You’ve maybe lost a wife, but you keep your ego and masculinity in tact.
With option #2, you’re running the risk of looking weak. “I sense something is wrong! I feel threatened! I’m going to prove to you just how much I NEED you! Please don’t leave me!” This also has the negative side effect of pushing her more quickly towards the line and away from you. You’re being needy, and needy is unattractive.
So.. my advice? Do a little of both.
Let’s give a very real world example to illustrate how to pull this off. This may be a little familiar to some of you:
Because of your trips to the gym and new wardrobe, your wife has been also hitting the gym and buying sexy panties at Victoria Secret. She loves showing them off to you. She is looking GOOD. Like, REALLY good. Sex has been amazing. You two are sexting each other almost every day. You’re on cloud nine.
You won the battle of reigniting your sex life, but the war isn’t quite over.
The other day, you were at the grocery store together. You step away from her for just just a moment to get bread in the next aisle. You come back to your wife and she is talking to a man you’ve never seen before. She is beat red in the face. She motions towards you. The guy looks over, gives a little laugh and says “Oh, sorry about that… have a great day!” He walks away.
“What the heck was that all about?” you say.
“I think that guy was about to ask me out!” Her face is still flush and she has a sly smile on her face. “He said ‘Wow.. you are hot! What’s your name?‘ and then you walked up. I just pointed at you and said ‘That’s my husband‘ and he apologized and walk away.”
You listen and just laugh it off. Awesome, your wife is sexy. You already knew that. You reach over and grab her and pull her close to you. “That’s right… you are HOT. Sexy, even. Mmmm…We may have to go home real quick before picking up the kids.”
What you don’t realize is that the mystery grocery guy just set off a cascading series of psychological events. To her, that was REALLY awesome and unexpected and for a brief second she felt like a million bucks. That random guy moment was worth about a million Facebook likes. That was a million “You go girl!” text messages from friends all at once. That was uber validation.
Most people would laugh and be done with it. Smile, shake your head and forget about it. Maybe you take that energy into the bedroom. But, your wife was caught at JUST the right time and this had a profound effect on her. She would like another taste of that drug as soon as possible. It’s perfectly natural.
The next day, you are both lying in bed reading a book. She puts her book down and looks at the ceiling. “I can’t believe that guy said that to me yesterday at the store! I haven’t had that happen since I was in college! Any idea who that was? Don’t think I’ve seen him before.”
Ding… a little bell just went off in your head. Your antennae are quivering ever so slightly. You forgot about the incident. She obviously hasn’t. What does she care who this guy was? Weird thing to ask.
Three days later her friends come over to drink wine and gossip. They do this every now and then. You walk into the kitchen to get something to eat and hear a friend say “Tell Mary about that guy at the store the other day! Did you ever find out who he was?”
Ding ding… Now your eye is twitching a little. She’s still talking about it. She’s talking about it with friends. What the hell?
A week goes by and all is cool again. Then you walk by the kitchen and your wife is chatting on her cell at the kitchen table. “No no… It wasn’t Betty’s ex-husband. No, this guy wasn’t married. He didn’t have a ring on. Oh, he was ok. Kinda rough. No, I’ve never seen him at any school meeting. No idea who he was. It was weird. You’d think I would have seen him before.“
She’s STILL talking about this guy?! Jesus. Get a hold of yourself, woman! Some chick at the gym asked me if I was single the other day, I didn’t bring it up and I forgot all about it in an hour. This kind of stuff happens all the time!
Then..the last straw. She approaches you a few days later. “Hey, babe. I’m going to go out Friday night with some ladies from work. You be okay with the kids here? Not sure what time I’ll be back.”
Ding ding ding ding. She hasn’t done this in YEARS. Not on a Friday. Fridays are always your night together watching a movie with the kids, eating popcorn, and then wild sex when they all go to bed. This can’t be a coincidence. Time to probe a little.
You: “Who’s all going out?”
Her: “Oh, Rebecca, Amy, and Sally.”
Ding ding ding ding ding. SALLY. Sally is the lowlife office gal your wife has been bad-mouthing for the past 5 years. Sally has two kids from two different guys. Sally used to be a stripper. She is divorced. You personally know three guys who have banged her. She drinks like a fish. Giant fake boobs and likes to show them off at seedy bars and on every form of social media. Giant YOLO tattoo on her stomach. She is bad news.
You: “Huh.. Sally, eh? Cool. Tell you what, though. I’m going to go ahead and get a babysitter. I don’t feel like being cooped up on a Friday playing Mr. Mom. Need to go do something fun. Haven’t been to that new bar yet on 3rd street. Or that new club outside of town.”
Her: “What? Who are you going with? What club?”
You: “Nobody… just me. The strip club that opened last week. They have a special on Friday. Free beer with a lap dance. Heard about it on the radio. They said a hot crop of young girls from all over the country are there for the grand opening. I’ll get a cab and go out there. Might do me some good. It’ll be fun.”
Her: “Uhhhh…. what?”
Unless she’s completely dense, she will get it. You just said “That’s a really really stupid idea you have. I can do something equally stupid. I have options, too. Temptation is around every corner and in the time it takes me to call a cab, I can find it. Don’t forget it, sweet cheeks.”
You didn’t say it with explicit words, but with your actions.
What you’re doing here is a sly form of something called “Mate Guarding”. You sense the enemy circling. Your wife is just too god damn stupid or too caught up in the feel good brain chemicals to realize that with every mention of this mystery guy and with the newfound friendship with Sally the hooker and the unexpected Girl’s Night Out she is repeatedly walking towards that “inappropriate” line. She’s not crossing it… but she’s repeatedly looking at the line and tip-toeing closer and closer to it. This is not appropriate behavior from a wife with a loving and sexy husband and kids and she needs to be told this, but in a careful way.
Unless checked, the wife will continue to tip-toe. It’s just human nature. She will say it’s all innocent…
laugh it off… and then keep inching closer and closer and closer to that line. Most of the time they do so with NO malice. They’re not literally telling themselves “I need something else beyond my husband. The hunky grocery store guy made me realize that I am wanted by other guys. Therefore, I’m going to put myself in situations that will open me up to inappropriate behavior and negative consequences.” If you were to say something about it, they would legitimately be flabbergasted. “I haven’t been out in years with the girls! Sally just wanted to celebrate her promotion! She’s harmless. You’re being stupid!”
Putting things into a perspective they can relate to, via your ACTIONS, and shocking them a little bit may be enough to snap them out of it. She may suddenly realize that, oh yeah, it is weird that she’s talking about that mystery guy so much and that no, she should NOT want to hang out with a person like Sally. Sally is a a whore.
Or not, and you enjoy a night of hot young strippers and free beer.
It takes NO time at all to cross right over that “inappropriate” line and never come back to this side again. We all innately know this. This is why jealousy is a thing. This is why my woman peaks over my shoulder when she hears my phone vibrate with a new text message.
Here are other “walking towards the the line” scenarios that are common:
The wife mentions Chad from work. He is SUCH an asshole. He said something really stupid in a meeting. She heard he cheated on his wife. Oh my god, Chad said something really bad in front of the boss today! OH MY GOD, listen to what Chad did today! This is insane! (translation: Chad is on my mind a lot and I can’t stop thinking about him.)
Your response: “Ya know… We should have Chad and his wife over for dinner. I gotta meet this guy. He sounds like a doozy. Tell him to bring his kids.”
“You remember Steve from college? He Facebook friended me yesterday and says he wants to get together for dinner or something to catch up.”
Your response: “Awesome! Let’s meet him at the new bar in town. Been wanting to check it out.”
The beauty of these responses is what you are NOT saying. You are not explicitly saying “Uhhh.. do you think this is appropriate, sweetie? You should immediately say NO to Sally and NO to Steve. You’re married. Did you forget!?” No, that would be viewed as insecure, jealous and controlling. Instead, you take the higher road of “Sweet! Let’s meet the guy!” or “Sweet! I’m going to go something fun and a little seedy, too.”
You know what happens? “Oh, we’re not going out on Friday now. Sally cancelled it. She’s a bitch. Let’s watch that new Netflix series, instead! Do I need to go buy popcorn? What was that beer you liked? I’ll stop and and get some.”
No matter how moral, intelligent, trustworthy and perfect your woman is, you MUST be the man and keep on alert at all times. You must be able to figuratively grab her by the shoulders and point her back in the direction she should be facing: away from the inappropriate line.