Dissecting Dead Bedrooms

My own personal experience and that of thousands of other men who have been married and/or dated will tell you the same thing:

If your woman is crazy about you, you will know it. She will leave zero doubt. She will shower you with praise. She will have her hands all over you. She will buy you gifts. She will feel very jealous at times. She will submit to you, sexually. She will be very adventuresome in bed. She will open herself to you mentally and physically.  She will feel completely comfortable and safe with you.

So, for all of you guys in long-term relationships or marriages that don’t see any of the above… well, bad news my man. She just isn’t that into you. 

Why is that? Why are there communities of men online talking about their “dead bedrooms“? As with most problems in relationships, it’s your fault, dude. Yep. You.

No, this isn’t some post saying “Women good, men bad!” This is real life. YOU are the driver of both yourself AND your relationship. You say what goes for both. It’s called being a leader. You want your woman to be crazy about you again? Then do something about it. No amount of begging, pick-me dancing, whining, flowers, house-cleaning, diaper-changing or other horse shit will get her in bed with you. She needs to WANT YOU again.

But, DSO! My wife is worked to death! She’s tired! The kids wear her butt out! At the end of the day she just wants to lay down and watch some TV or read a good book. I totally get that! I feel that way too, a lot of the time! Give her a freakin’ break!

This is 100% absolutely perfectly understandable. Life is tough. It wears on you. Work. Kids. Bills. Stress stress stress. It takes a certain mindset to get a woman in the mood for intimacy… And those are some pretty big obstacles that get in the way. But, here’s the thing: The energy is in there. Trust me. It just needs to get pulled out.

Many husbands/boyfriends out there are noticing or have learned two things about their completely exhausted, stressed-out female partners:

  1. These women sure are obsessed with porn. Yeah, that Fifty Shades of Grey book, the sequels and that movie that she won’t stop posting on Facebook about? The Magic Mike movie? The naked photo shoot with Adam Levine? That’s porn. Woman porn. Ever read Fifty Shades?  Synopsis: Dominate, sociopath rich man picks out shy, homely woman for crazy bondage sex. 
  2. She’s talking about other men. At work. At the gym. At the playground. At the soccer field. She’ll talk about their butts. Their pecs. Their tight stomachs. She’ll talk to her friends about them. She’ll talk about celebrities on TV. Athletes. Her favorite country singer in tight pants. Maybe even in front of you. Probably in front of you. Wow, for an exhausted mom… she sure does have her eyes constantly open and taking in all that hot sex on display, doesn’t she? Interesting. Yes, it’s mostly harmless and fun and EVERY mom does it, right?!

SIMPLE RULE: If your woman is crazy in love with you and turned on by you, she has no need openly partake in poorly-written woman porn or sharing pictures of some soccer dude’s abs and butt on Facebook. She looks at those as silly and brags about YOU instead. Oh, and she’ll want to bang you. You won’t need to Google things like “wife won’t have sex with me”. Crazy, I know.

Alright, so maybe you’re coming to terms with the fact that maybe your wife isn’t so crazy about you anymore. So what?! Maybe she never was. What’s the worst that could happen, right? You already have kids, a house, jobs, etc. Life is already set in stone. This is just how marriage IS, right!? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that sex isn’t THAT important to your well being as a man. Stop kidding yourself. Is that why you find yourself looking at porn on a daily basis? So much so that double-anal-double-vaginal fisting bukake amputee porn is the only thing that gets you mildly erect. You can’t walk outside of the house without looking at and drooling over every female of legal age. Your fantasy world exceeds your reality in every way imaginable. But hey… every other married guy is the same, right?

Wrong. It doesn’t have to be that way. A robust and healthy sex life is NOT out of the question for married people. Not at all. Ironically it’s usually the WIFE who is the first to come to this realization. That’s right, your woman isn’t happy about the lack of sizzle in your marriage, either. She wants more. She wants better. She wants to be picked up, thrown on the bed, man-handled and turned into a fuck slave. She wants to drive out to the middle of nowhere at 2:00am, be dragged out and thrown on the hood of the car by a man who rips her panties off in a lustful rage. She wants a guy who is not afraid to say what he wants in bed in the most direct way. She LOVES dirty talk.

SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS WITH YOU.

She’s just not that into you, dude. Sorry. She may not have ever been.

Many of us dense men don’t come to this realization until we catch our wives in an affair. Here’s a very common phrase out of the mouth of a betrayed man: “She did THAT with HIM?!?! She never would do THAT with ME?!? What the fuck!?” Yep, that super exhausted partner of yours managed to dig deep down inside and find enough energy to power all of Eastern Europe.

So, you’re like a lot of guys and you’re nodding your head right now. This all sounds way too familiar and way too depressing. What to do?! Well, a common refrain is “couples counseling!” Get in an office with a professional and freely communicate. Get things out in the open. Yeah, it makes sense on the surface. Communication is a huge thing in any personal relationship. But, ask yourself this: Will openly talking and pussy-footing around the main issue (her lack of attraction towards you) REALLY get her going?

This has never been said, ever:

Oh my gosh, honey! You know what? I just don’t have much sexual attraction towards you anymore. Like.. none. You’re a great dad and stuff, but nothing happening in my hoohah when you’re around. You feel like a brother. But… you know what? Now that we’re here talking about this problem out in the open… I wanna fuck REAL BAD!! YOU ARE SO HOT!! DAMN! Let’s go get a hotel room you hot piece of fuck meat, you!!

It’s a fantasy that has never panned out.

FACT: You can’t negotiate attraction. It’s there, or it isn’t. No amount of talking it out will pull it out of her. It’s time to REBOOT.

Coming Soon: THE BEDROOM REBOOT – A detailed step-by-step guide on getting your sex life back on track… or better than ever before.

Relationship NEEDS

When it comes to romantic, long-term relationships… what is a NEED, exactly? It’s a quality that must exist in order for the relationship to flourish and continue. Sounds simple enough, but it never ceases to amaze me just how much us men don’t understand the needs of women.

And no… I don’t have women “all figured out”. As you’ll see, it’s not so simple.

There’s somewhat of a running joke among couples that “Men don’t NEED much… just sex and food and they’re happy”. This is illustrated by the rampant popularity of porn and repeated references on the internet to women making sandwhiches. The reality? Yeah… they’re not that far off. I would add the following:

We need a wife that looks nice and is not an evil bitch all the time.

So… things are easy for a woman. Look decent, and be nice. Be sexual. Help feed him. That about covers it.

And now… what do WOMEN need? Well, like I said… not so simple.

They have a lot of needs. A lot. And those needs pop up sporadically and should be addressed as they come up.

Think of it as a game of wack-a-mole. You remember wack-a-mole, right? The carnival game where the mole heads pop up and you hit them with your mallet. It’s a fun way to relieve stress and the perfect illustration of the female psyche.

One day the “Please be there and comfort me when I’m stressed and scared” mole pops up, quickly followed by the “Please make a decision so I don’t have to” mole… followed by the “Just take me in the laundry room and bang me like your life depended on it” mole. You think you have things figured out and can relax and out pops the “Show me that you care about our future and the well-being of our family” mole, but it’s quickly followed up by “But don’t be safe and practical all the time… be spontaneous and fun and dangerous, too” mole.

Yes, I know some of you guys are thinking “Dude… everybody has needs that change up from time to time.” No, dudes… we don’t have these NEEDS on the same level. Nowhere near the same. In fact, the few things I labeled as NEEDS to a man are really just strong WANTS and DESIRES for many of us. I know a huge number of men who don’t get nearly the sex they want and put up with an overweight and constantly nagging wife. Why? Hey… she’s his wife. What’s he going to do? Tell her off and anger her more? Leave her? Meh… not worth it. He’ll go do something else. Watch football or something. Life is simple. Who gives a shit? Women… they’re all like that, am I right fellas?! *High five.*

We’re not exactly HAPPY with such situations. Oh, we will pout on occasion when you’re not giving us sex. We’ll occasionally try to talk it out… but we rarely go the nuclear route and say “Do this and not this. I will not tolerate this behavior and I mean it.” Very rarely. Why? Part of it is the rampant pussification of males… the rest of it is our strong male sense of right and wrong working against our own best interest. She’s the mother of your children and the woman you gave your oath to… thus, she has the right to be shitty and we have to deal with it and make the best of it. Just concentrate on your job and the kids. Things will improve at some point. You feel selfish and like an asshole for thinking otherwise.

Women have an innate need to have each and every one of their needs addressed on a regular basis. Yes, you can miss hitting one of them every now and then… but if you repeatedly miss the same need, she WILL find someone or something to whack that mole, and it most likely won’t be you.

Fact: Women initiate up to 70% of all divorces.

Here’s the rub: When she finds something or someone to whack that neglected mole, she will absolutely forget that you hit all of the rest of the needs on a regular basis. This is emotion we are talking about. When emotion is introduced into equation, all bets are off. As far as she’s concerned, you have failed her as a good mate… and you will see things start to CHANGE a little:

  1. Less or no more sex
  2. Constant nagging
  3. She lets her looks go.
  4. She ceases doing things for YOU and everything becomes either about her or the family unit.
  5. She puts you down in front of others.

All of these things translate to “I’m losing feelings for you like I used to have, and it bothers me. I’m showing you pretty bluntly here, asshole, so get your shit together. You’re replaceable.”

I have never, in my many years on this planet, heard of a woman that has told her man the above in such blunt terms. Not verbally, anyway. They do with action. With emotion.

YES! I totally can relate to this! Our sex life is lame at best and my wife treats me like shit in front of everyone! Where have I failed?! I’m not a mind-reader!

I’m willing to bet you have neglected one particular need or sub-group of needs on a regular basis. How am I so sure? Because I’ve seen it a thousand times. It’s THE most commonly neglected need there is.

In general terms, you’re not gaining her respect. In more specific terms, You’re not demonstrating that you have a backbone. Ever. You constantly back down to your wife. Any honest woman will tell you that they respect their man more when he tells her bluntly how things are and if he won’t back down from his opinion. Respect is EVERYTHING to a woman. I repeat: RESPECT is EVERYTHING to a WOMAN. If she doesn’t respect you, she is not fucking you. She is not keeping herself looking nice. She is not being sweet and loving to you. She will find you to be just one of the many pathetic people she encounters on a daily basis. She will resent you for wasting her precious years living with you.

If you find yourself saying “Oh, I can’t tell her THAT… she will be super pissed or leave me!”… then you have already lost. This relationship thing is a game. The one willing to show that they have options and that they stand up for their beliefs wins.

Of all the moles that pop up, men think that beating the shit out of the “be sweet and a good provider” mole is all you need. Nope. Not even close. If you want to be the ideal husband to the wife you love, you have to be combination of the guy who beats the luvvy duvvy need moles, and also the guy who loves flexing his muscle and beating the shit out of the “show me you have the balls to stand up to me” mole on occasion.

This is the “well rounded” man you hear about. Not afraid to be sweet, not afraid to be mean, a great provider, great with kids, interesting personality and knows his way around the bedroom.

Nope, relationships ain’t easy, amigo.

Book Review: Single Father, Better Dad – By Mark Tucker

I happened upon an article online from Australia that gave a sneak peak at a new book by a Mark Tucker calledSingle Father, Better Dad. The article really really hit home for me. What he described was so eerily similar to my own divorce experience, that I immediately Googled the book title and saw that it was for sale from Amazon for $5 (Kindle Edition). It’s a quick read, but is very interesting from my post-divorce perspective.

Mark is a good writer. An Englishman living in Australia. He seems to be a very kind and very funny guy. His wife was something else. He provided for her for many years, and she ran off with her personal trainer… her “soul mate”. She tells the kids of her affair (that’s a first), she leaves… and he has majority custody of the kids. Again, all very familiar to me. But, this is where the familiarity ends and where ol’ Mark takes a turn down the wrong path.

He goes on two dates six months after his wife leaves. Both dates are a result of online dating. First gal is fatter than what he liked. He had the balls to tell her it wouldn’t work out. Good for him. No need to drag it out and hurt feelings and waste time. The second gal was too old, but he liked her. She then finds out about his kids and tells him it’s not going to work out. He ends the evening asking her if she would have sex with him if he didn’t have kids. Probably, she says. He asks for sex while dropping her off. No. Ouch, Mark.

He then meets a chick at his kids’ school. She’s pretty but has a ring on. He eventually asks her out, they go out, he asks about the ring. Oh, it’s a commitment ring…for a “special friend” she’s known for years. They used to live together, but don’t anymore. “I’m sort of single” she says. Jesus, Mark. RUN!

Nope, Mark sticks it out. He falls in love. Ugh. Some highlights of his relationship with the new gal, Allison:

  • One night she drinks herself into a coma and goes to the hospital. This was at a family gathering.
  • She already has two kids.
  • They couldn’t complete their first sexual experience. They stopped mid-pump. No condoms. The moment had all the spontaneity and passion of a bridge game.
  • They tell the kids of their relationship after two months. She moves in half the time (when she doesn’t have her kids).
  • He tries to propose, but before he could start she cuts him off and tell him that the situation is not right. Not the right setting. Eventually he does it right, they get engaged and then waste no time getting married. He remodels his place to accommodate her and the new kids.

epic facepalm

The book is peppered with little stories of what not to do in a relationship. Textbook stuff like her asking him where to go on a rare night they have with no kids. “I don’t know, where do you want to go?” I cringed at that and about 148 other little moments he describes. I was waiting for a “And all these things I’m describing are how NOT to date a woman!” moment, but it never comes. The poor sap is head over heels for her. Blind to all red flags.

He does cover some helpful things about divorce. Talks about how men are run over the coals in the process. He was divorce-raped, but it could’ve been much worse.

The most heart-wrenching moments for me were the very beginning (the story of the discovering infidelity and the break-up) and the very end.. where his daughter writes (very beautifully I must say) about her recollection of the day her mom told them she was leaving. That was, again, so much like my very own experience.