Five Awful Truths About Relationships

Relationships are so full of bullshit.

We bring so much baggage, expectations and all around retardation to our personal relationships… there’s no wonder we have so much divorce, infidelity and secrecy going on. We construct worlds in our own mind that are NOT based in reality, but they keep anxiety at bay and fend off the “end of the relationship” demons for one more day.

It’s time we dispel with the ignorance, denial and all around shit-headedness…  and drop some much-needed truth bombs. After my 40+ years on this planet, one failed marriage under my belt and countless chats with awesome people of both sexes, here are the truths as I see them. I’m sure some of these will piss you off.

TRUTH #1: No, women… You alone are NOT enough.

Here’s a common scenario: Woman catches her man jerking off to porn. Or, she sees porn on his phone/computer/ipad. Or she sees an ATM receipt from the strip club. Or she overhears him talking about that one hot girl at work. Her instant reaction is anger. How dare he?! How embarrassing for her! Then she shames him. A common phrase is “Am I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!” Short answer: No. You’re not.

I can bring up an infinite supply of pornography right now with a quick google search. It’s all FREE and available in seconds. Even with this infinite supply of FREE product at our disposal, people STILL buy porn… and 98% of those people that buy porn are MEN.

Conclusion: Men are horny. Men like women. Men like variety.

We are committed to you, so we need an outlet for this energy. Are you not in an open sexual relationship? Then he’s at least looking at and fantasizing about other women a great deal. There is absolutely positively nothing you can do about it. The best you can do is go along for the ride and use it to your advantage and watch porn and go to strip clubs with him (or whatever his sexual outlet might be). Being more open to his “kinks” puts that extra spice in your sex life. Not only does it add a little extra oomph to the relationship, it is also an acknowledgement that you understand his needs and desires as a guy, and as far as you’re concerned they are every bit as normal as eating and breathing. You are in no way threatened by something so natural. In fact, you love it.

With or without your approval, his sex drive will be there and it will find a way out.

Side note: Your reaction to his sexuality is a good barometer of the status of your romantic relationship. If you are disgusted or laugh at the idea of your man in sexual situations… you need to take a long hard look at your feelings towards him. Is he just a friend?

TRUTH #2: Looks matter.

Women – You spit out a couple kids and put on 40 lbs over the past 6 years… but you do a shit ton of work to keep the home in shape, you maintain a job and you’re a fantastic, nice, supportive and sweet bundle of awesomeness to your husband and kids. Sorry… it’s not enough. Lose the weight. He’s not in shape? Who cares. Get your shit in gear and hope that he follows. Your weight gain bothers him. The fact that you don’t want to stay sexy for him bothers him. Ironically, your weight gain helps enable the sloth-like behavior in him that you are so turned off by. Men just need ONE little excuse to be a lazy slob and they jump into that world with gusto. We are longing for a break. For a reason to justify the sirens of lazy sloth we hear so often. Don’t be that reason.

Are you dating? OH BOY do you need to lose weight. Yes, even though you’re overweight you will still get men to sleep with you. This isn’t a testimonial to your attractiveness, but rather to the rabid libido of men in general. The quality of men that you attract directly correlates to what you present to the world. We really don’t care about your career and level of education. We like nice women who look good and are interesting and have a good heart. That’s about it. The rest is fluff. Your looks are what get you noticed right away, so get in shape. Anyone telling your otherwise is lying to get into your way-too-big pants.

Men – Working hard and helping out around the house and wiping baby butts? Think that’s enough? Not by a long shot. Look good. Look sexy. Make your woman feel like she is lucky to have a dude like you. She doesn’t look good anymore? Who gives a shit. You take care of you. You’re the man in this relationship. Be the leader. Show her you mean business and you take this relationship seriously. It’s not just about money and kids… it’s also about the two of you and romance. Remember, if you don’t fulfill her needs, she WILL find somebody else that will.

Are you not married? Dating? Get in shape. Be the lover, not the provider. You don’t want a woman that pegs you as the paycheck right away. You want the woman who has a visceral sexual reaction to you. You want one that doesn’t know or care about what you do for a living, but rather that you are fun and interesting and sexy. If you’re a frumpy mess you only have PROVIDER status to fall back on, and that never ends well for men.

TRUTH #3: Women can rationalize anything.

It’s true that women need both that emotional and physical connection to make the leap into the bedroom. Their body may be ready to go, but their brain needs to play catch up. So, when a woman is caught in a physical affair outside of her monogamous relationship, that must mean that she has a deep emotional connection to the other man, right? Not necessarily. The bitter truth is that it doesn’t take much to get the gears spinning and have the woman rationalizing such poor behavior. Before you know it, your perfect gal is completely rewriting your past and painting you as a monster. Why? She had to to have sex with that one crazy ex-con guy from the gym that made her hoohah all tingly. That’s it. She can’t say “I fucked up. He was hot. You’re not. Sorry.” Female logic doesn’t work that way. She needs to create a story that paints her as the victim, or at the very least the woman who “had no choice” but to do what she did. She realizes she did a horrible thing that makes no logical sense.. so why not change reality so that it DOES make logical sense?! Problem solved.

Regardless of the creative narrative, the end result is the same: She slept with some other dude. She wanted it, she got it.

Us men are way more in tune with our visceral sexuality. We don’t need to rationalize the urge. It’s just there and it’s always there. We don’t see that same level of blunt, all-encompassing sex drive in women so we assume “Men are pigs… women are more wholesome and thoughtful.” The reality is that you just have to push her mental buttons in the right combination at the right time…and voila. Her depravity will make your crazy fantasy world look like something out of Sesame Street.

TRUTH #4 : Men are ranked, too.

Men have our typical ranking system of 1-10 to judge a woman’s physical attractiveness. “Dude… she’s a solid 8. She’d be a 9 if she had bigger boobs.” It’s juvenile and demeaning, but it happens.

What we don’t know is that human beings as a whole have a system for ranking a man’s value in society… and it’s a little more sinister than a simple 1-10.

Take the typical good ol’ comfy blob of a husband for example (most of you readers). He can be the sweetest man on the planet, the greatest dad, the greatest partner… but all that can get wiped out when they go to a dinner party where all of the other husbands there have better jobs than him. They all have titles like President, CEO and VP of Sales. He’s in middle management in a small company nobody heard of. He watches his wife’s body language change throughout the evening. She goes from bubbly to pensive and withdrawn. They finally get back home and he gets a  “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. Finally after several days of moping and being distracted she opens up. “Maybe you should ask John if he has a position open in his company. Sally says he got a big bonus last month and they bought a condo in Florida with it.” There it is. She’s been preoccupied by the fact that other men in her social circle out-rank her own husband.

Yes, there’s a ranking system for men. A dominance hierarchy, if you go by terms we use for the animal kingdom. It’s a complex system that takes into account multiple factors to determine a male’s place in the mating scene. How likely is he to bang that attractive woman he wants so bad? How much do he and his wife have sex? Well, depends on his ranking.

Some common scenarios to demonstrate:

  1. Man X is married to Woman Y. He is a blue collar laborer by trade. His wife is way more educated (a scenario that is more common than not in today’s age) and she makes a great deal more money than he does. The knee jerk reaction by people she knows is “Interesting… what is she doing with a guy like that?” In other words, his lack of ability to provide for her financially what she can’t already provide for herself instantly knocks him down a few pegs on the male ranking system. There’s gotta be SOMETHING more to the story, otherwise it makes no sense. His provider status has been nullified. Then they meet him. “Oh… he’s a decent looking and strong dude who is charming, sweet, intelligent and confident. We get it now.” His personality and looks jump him up a few pegs on the scale. He’s a lover not a provider. Makes sense. All is right with this scenario again. The lower ranking males scatter and leave Woman Y alone. On to easier targets.
  2. Man A is married to woman B. He makes a great deal MORE money than she does as the VP of Finance for his company, but people say that “She wears the pants in the family.” When you see the two together, he folds up like a scared little boy and she has to drag him around to get him to socialize. Physically he is not imposing or impressive. He blends in with whatever furniture he stands next to. It’s not uncommon to hear her belittle him in front of mutual friends. She’s often heard pointing out his shortcomings. She is telling the audience “Your suspicions are right. This male is of lower status than me. Don’t let his money fool you. I’m open for business if anybody wants to take his place.” She is flirted with constantly. She flirts back. The males are circling. They see that they have a very real chance with her.

In our original scenario with the wife at the dinner party, the man in question had a much lower ranking than the other guys in attendance. Their ability to be better providers trumped all of his positive qualities. In that brief but shallow moment he went from “What a great husband” to “Is he REALLY such a great husband after all?” He has no other ammunition to combat this with.  They make more money and provide more lavish lifestyles, but he has…. What? Looks? Charm? Confidence? None of the above? By bringing up his inability to provide in a way that is at least equal to the rest of the group, she is pointing out his deficiencies and reiterating his role as provider. “You’re a PROVIDER here, dipshit. Why the hell aren’t you better at it?!” They both know he’s not a lover…Just look at him. Therefore, his ranking depends on his paycheck. Yes, it’s that shallow and stupid.

TRUTH #5 : Kids can VERY easily ruin a romantic relationship.

As the relationship with your wife grows, you inevitably become more and more comfortable with each other. The anxiety and stress of “What if they find somebody better?!” starts to fade (and with it, her raging libido). The urgency to prove your worth takes a back seat to work and maintaining a home. The monotony of life takes hold.  An then… you decide to have kids. Oh boy. Here comes the fun.

Kids suck. They suck money. They suck time. They suck energy. At the end of the day you are left exhausted and still running a million kid-related things through your head. Planning the day tomorrow. Thinking of all the ways you can can shake the last few remaining coins from your pocket to make their life a little easier.

If you allow it to happen, the kids can take you down a deep rabbit hole that many of us never come out of. You become another god damned parent. Every single thing in the universe comes second to that role… spouse included. Especially the spouse. This is more so the case for women. When that baby comes, everything changes. Her body and mind work in concert to keep her glued to that little creature for as long as possible. Everything else just fades to the background. Men all know this. We get it completely. She’s supposed to focus on the little person. She’s responsible for keeping them alive and well. It’s a lot of time and pressure on a woman. This is when the utilitarian nature of the man comes to the forefront. What can YOU do as a man to help with this new, awesome responsibility??

If the mere presence of the new human wasn’t enough, many women start questioning their long-term careers and professional goals at this point. The baby gives them a new life meaning and purpose. They may go part-time at work or drop their career all together. Then they look to the man to fill in the earning gaps. If he had any Lover points in his social ranking, they’ve just been wiped out… and he’s left with only his Provider role.

Many men feel the pressure of their new role and become resentful. They withdraw. Deep down they are jealous of the unconditional love and attention the new baby receives. So, they slide into their new 100% Provider role and never look back. Lover status is long gone in their mind. They wish it wasn’t gone… but what can they do? Go out and screw girls and risk ruining it all? Leave the wife and kid alone to do his own thing? He can’t. Society tells him he can’t. The new dad wipes butts, goes out to work, coaches soccer, takes girls to the mall, paints toenails, knows how to do a french braid… where’s the time for that old Lover stuff? None. There’s no time. Get back to work, Provider.

The cruel irony in all this is that with the pressure to become the slave… err… The Provider… his ranking slips further and further and further down. A ranking built solely upon Provider points is not sustainable. Something always has to give. This is where you hear guys saying “I haven’t had sex in 2 years” or “She won’t let me touch her anymore”. The romantic relationship is completely over at this point and the only hope the man has is to forcibly swing the pendulum back to Lover and hope for the best.