The first book by yours truly is now available for download on amazon.com!
It’s not the longest work of literature known to man, but I did put a great deal of time boiling the content down into the simple stuff every guy SHOULD know already, but hardly anyone puts into practice.
I consider this book to be the prescription for what every man should do to keep his wife jumping his bones.
Do this, and you get laid more. It’s that simple.
Do me favor? Check it out. If you like it…let other guys know. My success and happiness truly comes from helping out dudes just like you, and selling books and consultations allows me to set aside time to do so. It’s not my full-time job, but it is my passion.
I have also created a simple website to promote the book: www.deadbedroomfix.com.
Romance killers come in many forms.
- One or both of you gets out of shape.
- Husband becomes a more agreeable pushover (more feminine).
- Wife becomes a more disagreeable tyrant (more masculine).
One that everyone seems to overlook is, from my experience, one of the biggest stressors of all:
There’s no doubt about it: Having kids is one of the most potent and virile romance killers on the planet. Unlike getting fat, losing your job, getting sick and becoming a giant pushover… everyone EXPECTS and PROMOTES the idea of having kids. After all, we have to keep the species going. That’s what all that awesome sex is for. It feels great and is really fun and exciting, but there’s a bigger reason our brains give us the urge to do it often: TO MAKE MORE GOD DAMN KIDS.
Your instinctual urge to procreate and look after the well-being of a little human is in direct contradiction to your urge to keep a sexual relationship going. The two don’t work in tandem, they work against each other.
Being a parent is the antithesis of being a sexual being. Being a parent is being a super Provider, not a Lover.
A romantic partnership is about playing a role. Early on in the relationship, while childless, much of your role revolves around the pleasure of your partner (doing things they find attractive). Each person performs tasks out of the “be the sexiest man/woman possible” playbook (at least those of us in healthy relationships). Men keep in shape, drive a nice car, act aggressive, confident and outgoing. Women are more agreeable, feminine, pretty and sensual. Much sex is had in this phase.
Then comfort and familiarity hit. This can take some of the oomph out of your sex life. Many people let the sex slip at this point, but with a just little effort it can be as strong as ever.
Then… the new little kid arrives. Everything changes. A powerful switch is flipped.
HERE IS A TYPICAL “MARRIED COUPLE WITH A NEW BABY” SCENARIO:
Husband says, “I could go to the gym.. but I’m fucking exhausted. I had to get up at 3:00am to feed the little shit and then get up at 6:00 and drive to work to give a presentation at 8:00. Then I had to drive an hour to a meeting… then back to the office and then home. Now I have to check 30 work emails and make dinner while my wife feeds the baby . I actually fell asleep while standing up and doing dishes the other day. Fuck it. We’re having McDonalds.” Husband makes these excuses 365 days in a row… and next thing he knows he is 30 lbs heavier. One year of zero exercise and shitty sleeping habits will do that to you.
Wife says, “I could do that Hot Yoga class I always used to go to… but I’m dead tired, I feel fat, my boobs are killing me and I’m still sore from the delivery 3 weeks ago.” Wife makes excuses for the next 12 weeks, then she goes back to work and baby goes to daycare. Her stress and guilt are off the charts. She’s depressed. The bad health habits have set in. Yoga is a distant memory. She hasn’t lost the 40 lbs she gained during pregnancy. She hates herself. Everyone lets her know that it’s perfectly ok to feel this way. It doesn’t help.
The wife’s sense of self is crumbling. Is she a sexual being anymore? Is she even a WOMAN? Is she just a producer and sustainer of life now? A caregiver? She once used to turn heads on the street with her slim body and sexy little summer dresses. Now she feels like a fat, milk-producing cow with cankles, stringy hair and cracked nipples. She’d rather not get out of the house if she can help it, let alone wear a sundress again. Lack of exercise, poor diet, and mind-altering hormonal changes pushes her anxiety through the roof.
She doesn’t hesitate to send husband out to the store to get the things they need. One less thing for her to stress over. He dutifully obeys.
Husband would like to tell his wife to get off her fat ass and got get the tampons and nipple cream herself, but she is now “Mother to his child”, and is therefore on the highest of pedestals. Her value in the home is beyond measure. Popular culture tells him to swallow his pride and help out the family unit wherever he can. Mom wants nipple cream… you say, “Yes Ma’am” and jump to attention. Your role is now that as a provider of life to a little human. Get used to it, DAD.
Besides, the husband is no catch himself. Look at him. What does he have to bitch about? He’s lucky to be in the position he is in. You have a home, wife and a healthy baby. Shut the fuck up.
SEX? Forget it. To be sexual again requires that his wife enter a headspace that she can’t even conceive of. The delicate souffle of the woman’s libido reqires that everything be juuuuuust right to function. The ingredients for the sexy recipe went right in the trash can when baby came in the world. Forget the souffle. All that’s left are week-old cheese doodles and a bottle half full of spoiled breast milk.
Husband eventually realizes he needs sex. His porn habit is getting out of hand. He has needs beyond that of the visual stimuli the internet provides. Actualy human touch and emotion would be nice. He approaches the wife and asks for intimacy. Wife literally laughs in his face. Does he not realize what she’s had to do over the past X months? How the hell does he think talking about sex RIGHT NOW is a good idea?!?! Just shut up and go get the diapers out of the car.
The husband is shamed for his sexuality. He feels like an ass. Pornography eventually becomes a full-fledged addiction. Having sex with his wife may not even be possible at this point.
After a while the couple may have a “Date night”. This is probably initiated by a grandparent or somebody close to them who has been watching their misery. “You guys should go out together sometime. Just the two of you. I can watch the baby. You need some time off.”
Date night consists of going to the nearest restaurant and eating entirely too much food. The wife complains about her body and is embarrased about her leaking breasts that she tries covering up with her sweater. Meanwhile husband checks his fantasy football stats on his phone and repeatedly says “Uh huh” without hearing a word his wife is saying. He learned to tune her complaining out months ago.
The food is good. They each get a giant dessert. Sweets used to be forbidden back in their attractive young gym and yoga days, but now that huge piece of lava chocolate super duper heart attack cake is seen as a welcome and necessary vice. It’s quick and easy way to escape their otherwise blah existence.
Then the wife’s phone rings and they both panic. Is it the baby?!! Is something wrong!!? OMG.. it’s the sitter. Shew… she just wants to know where we put the extra diapers. Good. Ok. Nothing to freak out about. Crisis averted. Back to the date.
Husband suggests a movie. Wife says no… What if they have to leave early because of the baby? Then they would waste money and leave in the middle of a movie, and that always sucks. “How about a drink next door?” husband says. “Well, we could… but then I’d have to pump and dump my milk tonight, and I really don’t feel like it. I’d rather just go home and get right to bed.”
They really have nothing left on their date night itinerary, so they decide to head home. Date night over.
First they stop at the grocery store for more baby stuff. Husband happily points out that they have strawberry-flavored sex lube on sale in the pharmacy area. Wife says he’s a pervert and should get his head out of the gutter and go find baby butt cream. Husband pouts. They don’t talk the rest of the drive home.
Sound familiar? Does it HAVE to be this way? Of course not. There were many possible course corrections along the way during their journey to becoming terribly boring parents, and our typical couple didn’t take advantage of any of them.
Most people don’t. Most people succumb to the exhaustion, stress and life-questioning changes the baby brings and just… let go. They let the tidal wave of parentdom wash them away. The next 20 years go by in the blink of an eye. Both secretly hold on to the hope that the other doesn’t “wake up” and they can continue the parade of mutual awfulness.
Married people don’t fuck as often as non-married couples. Comfort cripples libido.
Parents REALLY don’t fuck as often as non-married couples. Comfort and then exhaustion and dramatic life role changes… all kill the libido.
Kids can easily become the biggest obstacle to marital happiness.
If you don’t actively try to make course corrections along the way, you’ll soon be in the majority of married couples. Miserable. Sexless.
My advice to everyone thinking of having kids is to PLAN. Plan and decide on exactly HOW you will stay intertwined as a couple. Plan for extensive childcare and household help. Plan weekends (or more) away for just the two of you. Plan ahead for how to deal with the emotions that want to keep you bonded with the child and drive you away from each other and towards dead bedroom behavior. Act as a team and prepare for the inevitable and how exactly you will deal with it.
Have a lot of money saved up for extensive leave from work. “Waaaaah! People in Europe have it so much better! They get to take a year off of work for maternity leave and still get paid! Waaaaah!” Yep, that does sound like a very good, sensible and positive thing to do for families and society in general. I agree it sounds better than the situation most of us have here in the States. But, we don’t have that luxury. That will not change tomorrow. As far as your employer is concerned, having a kid was your decision. They have a business to run. Take care of your shit and they will take care of theirs.
You should save your money and adjust your expenses so that you can pay for an extended time away from work. It’s the best thing for the child. It’s the best thing for your marriage. Period. Can’t afford it? Don’t have kids.
Having a kid is a giant financial and logistical undertaking. Treat it that way. DO NOT treat having a child as just some natural beautiful process that you should just let happen and let God take care of the details. That is a guaranteed recipe for disaster.
I think it’s fair to say that people typically put more thought into buying a car than they do having a child.
Do it right, or don’t do it at all. You’re bringing a human being into the world. You’re potentially throwing a grenade into the marriage and hoping that it doesn’t go off. Limit the damage early on. PLAN PLAN PLAN.
And for YOU, mister man looking to improve himself… DON’T YOU DARE TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE FUCKING GAS.
Your entire FAMILY now depends on you to keep your head in the game and remain the strong oak of a leader. If you fold, the whole machine breaks down. You will naturally want to err on the side of amplifying your Provider qualities while downplaying your Lover qualities. Don’t. Amplify Provider… and amplify Lover even more.
Being a dad is being a man on hard mode. You naturally want to do your own thing. You want to get away. You want to improve yourself and work on your mission. DO IT. ALL OF IT. “But… I have a kid now… I have no time.” MAKE TIME. “But, my wife says I don’t help out enough and I need to stay home more.” SHUT UP. HELP OUT, BUT, TAKE CARE OF YOU, TOO. She’ll be fine.
“But, the kids…” is the most potent and debilitating excuse a man can make. It’s weakness wrapped in a warm blanket of providership and societal expectation. It’s wanting “do the right thing” combined with “I guess I should make more sacrifices now”.
The new parental role can kill your masculinity faster than you can say “Soy latte”.
Or it can strengthen you.
Want to see what kind of man you really are? What to see what your relationship is made of? Have a kid… or two… or three. It’s the absolute ultimate test.
The end result of the ultimate test is either a happy wife by your side as you watch your kids grow older and turn into wonderful and unique human beings, or you living in one bedroom apartment crossing the days off the calendar as you eagerly wait to see the kids for “your weekend”.
Don’t fuck it up.
While I was married to my first wife, I used to cherish the rare moments I would get alone. During those quiet moments, I was able to re-calibrate and get a sense of self that I couldn’t have with three screaming kids, a nagging wife and all that work. A day to just sit… and do NOTHING? Awesome. Thank God.
It wasn’t until my “married life” reality was taken away that I realized how conditioned I had become. While I may have been alone and enjoying peace and quiet for a day, I always had the crutch and foundation of family and marriage to lean on.
Divorce peeled the scab back and exposed wounds that I never knew I had.
After the ex left, “What do I do now?!” was never in my vocabulary. I just turned into a post-divorce robot dad and was moving on auto-pilot. I was king of the to-do lists… and three kids made sure those lists were always full. Finding something to DO was not an issue. After a while, I would say my behavior bordered on “obsessive”. Lots and lots of cleaning. Lots of organizing. Trying to create order out of chaos. Avoiding the hard stuff. Avoiding the truth.
I had my fingers in my ears and yelled “LALALALALA!! NOT LISTENING!” as the harsh reality of my world was hiting me upside the head. As long as I stay in my little enclosure, I didn’t have to deal with it.
In hindsight, I would say I was suffering from some post-traumatic stress. I am stopping short of calling it full-fledged PTSD, because I think we should reserve that diagnosis for guys that experience combat, death and truly malevolent human behavior firsthand.
My wife just got caught fucking another guy and divorced me. In the grand scheme of things, that’s peanuts.
But still…. traumatic in its own way.
Divorce is what the kids call a huge “mind fuck”. Reality altering. For me it was so very sudden. One moment I’m boring dad on the beach with my aging nag of a wife and our three energetic kids… and the next moment I’m alone in a house looking at online dating sites drooling over 20 year olds. I had put myself into that “dating” world with the same obsessiveness and tunnel-vision that I applied to house cleaning and organizing the kids’ lives.
Fingers still in ears. Making order out of chaos.
Looking back, there is one overwhelming question that comes to mind when thinking of my immediate post-divorce self:
“WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!”
I can now, after years of contemplation and hindsight, answer that question.
I wasn’t THINKING. I was FEELING. I was “broken” in every sense of the word. The brain was randomly firing, looking for a fix, and I was acting out.
I just wanted to feel good. I wanted some kind of justice.
“Hmmmm… maybe if I assemble a group of young, horny 20-something sex-addicted college co-ed commandos to carry out a raid and murder my ex and her affair partner.”
When I get messages from guys, you can always tell the ones that are new to the game. They don’t even have to tell me all the details. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that their behavior is strange and emotion-driven, and they are ALMOST completely blind to it.
Every situation is different but still the same. For some guys, it takes just a few months of hell and the fog clears and they are back on the path of normalcy. For others, it may take years. They keep living in denial and kick the can down the road again, and again, and again.
They are too scared to face the truth.
I remember a guy I met at the gym years ago. I don’t remember how we got to chatting, but we worked out together once. Really good guy. He’s what I would call a naturally good-looking dude. Tall. In really good shape. Still young. A little stand-offish. Not the most confident man in the world. He, his wife and two kids just moved into town from out of state. He worked IT for one of the local companies.
After that one workout day and a few messages here and there, he disappeared. I found out later that he ended up moving to a neighboring state to be closer to her family (that sounds familiar).
Then outta the blue, years later and about a year after my own divorce, we started chatting on Facebook. His life had changed dramatically. The wife went crazy, took out lines of credit in his name, racked up debt …AND she cheated on him. Very typical borderline personality behavior. He had admitted to having numerous warning signs/red flags throughout their relationship. He ignored for the greater good of the family…. and now he was paying the price.
She was moving in with her new guy. He was fighting for custody of the kids. He eventually ended up getting full custody due to all her issues and the identitity theft.
A story like that wasn’t anywhere close to being new and shocking to me. I had already heard from a dozen other guys just like him by that time… and had also read countless stories just like his online.
What WAS new to me was seeing his immediate post-divorce/infidelity behavior. It was, I would say, a little concerning.
He had drafted a very long and detailed letter that he insisted on giving his ex-wife’s new boyfriend. He just HAD to warn him about her and her BPD ways. He must save this man and get back at her!
This was Nice Guy “save the world” behavior, plus a need for justice and revenge. Not good.
I told him he was asking for trouble. The letter will just kick a hornet’s nest. He was in the middle of trying to get custody of his kids and sue the ex for stealing his identity. Reaching out to her new boyfriend was not a good idea.
He vehemently disagreed. We went back and forth on this for quite a while.
I never did find out what happened with that letter… maybe he gave it to the guy and the ex-wife never found out about it (he is still alive, after all). Maybe he came to his senses and realized that nobody gives a shit and he needs to move on to more important things in life.
Regardless, the strange behavior continued.
Next thing you know, he is posting videos of himself online, shirtless, singing songs he wrote. From what little I knew of him, he wasn’t really the “look at me, I’m shirtless and asking for attention” kinda guy. He was a wallflower when I met him.
Then he wrote strange poetry and shared it with everyone.
Then he started frequently posting photos of himself and his kids on Facebook. He did this every day. Multiple times a day. He needed to remind everyone “I’m the good parent here! Look, no wife in the picture!”
- Petty revenge behavior
- Posting photos and videos for attention
- Patting himself on the back about what a great parent he is
- Denial of reality
Hmmmm… Almost sounds like typical divorced single mom behavior. But I digress…
It was all just very odd. He was mentally broken.
He was looking for attention. Admiration. He was looking for confirmation that that he WAS doing everything by the book his whole life and that SHE was batshit crazy.
“Would somebody PLEASE recognize how great I fucking am, already!?!”
Nobody gave a shit.
The truth was that he was on his own. He’s always been on his own. The wife was not his, it was just his turn.
The truth was that in his 30 some odd years on the planet he never put the hard work and time in that he needed to develop his SELF. It finally caught up to him.
He was dependant on a severely broken woman to give him a sense of completion. With her out of the picture, he went off the rails.
I see this more often than I would like.
Maybe not “take your shirt off and sing for Facebook” levels of weird, but I see very emotional and irrational behavior from guys out there ALL the time.
The timeline is usually like this:
- I’m so devastated. This is terrible. How could she do this? I don’t understand. I did everything right (lots of crazy behavior here).
- I really need to focus on getting better. I can’t go on like this. I’m a mess. (more crazy behavior but the fog is beginning to lift)
- I realize I have some deep issues that have caused bad things to happen to me over the years. That eventually led to where I am today. It’s sad, but I’m glad I have the clarification now. It’s all uphill from here! (the fog continues to lift)
- Oh, look! A woman! She likes me! I’ll proceed to ignore everything I just learned because she makes me feel REALLY good right now! Yay! It’s almost as if all that bad stuff never happened! What’s that? A red flag? BAH! It’s nothing. I can’t always walk away from this relationship if I have to. I mean… I’m not marrying this woman tomorrow or anything! (back to crazy town)
- I would totally marry this woman tomorrow if I had the chance. Jesus, she’s perfect in every way. How did I get so lucky? I’m going to bend over backwards to keep her around (he’s deep in crazy at this point).
- Oh. Never mind. It’s over. Fuck. What was I thinking?? Ok… where was I with this self-improvement thing again? (fog lifting again)
It’s on step 4 that they usually stop talking to me (too busy with their new girl.. and they’re ashamed)… and step 6 is when they come back with their tail between their legs.
100% of men I talk to jump into relationships too soon. 100% of them wish they would have waited a while longer.
Jumping into a relationship too soon is a sign of being broken. A rational person sits back and recognizes their need for help. A rational person realizes that bringing other human beings into their broken world will not end well. It’s not fair to themselves, their loved ones, or the new “girlfriend”.
Men I talk to often qualify their new girlfriends to me. They know they’re not mentally firing on all cylinders just yet… so they need to convince me that “It’s ok… This one is different!”
“Oh no… we’re just casually dating. Nothing serious. She’s fun. Are we dating other people? No… we both agreed not to. I took her to meet my parents last week. They love her.”
“So far no red flags. She’s really very normal in every way. She has two kids from a previous marriage. We already talked about what it would be like to blend our families. We know it’s too early, but we’re tired of being single and we’re awesome together.”
“She’s going to move in with me. She’s going to school right now to get her Phd. She’s really driven. I’m helping her out so that she doesn’t have to work so many hours and can concetrate on her studies.”
Everything is great, casual and fun. Nothing serious. Except that there’s no dating others, she met his parents after week #2, you’ve already met her kids and you’re paying for everything.
Everyone outside of the relationship looks at them, shakes their head and says “This won’t end well.” They recogniz the crazy manic state he is in. For the guy… he’s in too deep and in love. His brain is firing away with all those feel-good chemicals. Rationality is out the window.
He is now officially open to make a huge number of life-changing mistakes that he can’t see yet. The fog and confusion of love, lust and happiness blinds him. This could get really bad in a hurry.
When the fog finally clears, he discovers that the woman cheated on her last husband, she has borderline personality disorder (medicated) and she is still actively texting three other guys. Soon after finishing her Phd, she leaves the relationship and has a new guy immediately.
That’s when I get the email.
“Dude… things are really fucked up right now.”
So, where did he go wrong?
Where he went wrong is that he never fully erased the programming he had from all those years of marriage. He never removed the crutch of marriage that he leaned so heavily on all those years. The “strong” foundation of marriage that was always there was comfortable… but at the same time limited his development as a human being. Having that wife to fall back on was a safety net. Once it was taken away, it made everything a hell of a lot scarier.
He falls flat on his face. Time to get a new net, right?!
The healthy way of looking at it is saying “Do I really need that crutch? Why do I need it? Can I operate to my full capacity in life and gain happiness by being alone?” If the answer is “no”, then he has issues he needs to address.
After a man realizes true happiness on his own, he realizes that the fickle nature of love, romance and women isn’t the foundation of life… but just a really nice accessory. Romance is the heated leather seats in your new SUV. It’s great to have and it makes things nicer and more comfortable and puts a smile on your face, but you don’t need it. You can still get from point A to B without it.
There’s nothing wrong with love and romance. Most of us WANT a long-term romantic relationship with just the right woman. We LOVE being in love and having that person to go through life with. It’s an amazing feeling. The irony is that you won’t find that love until you don’t need it. It’s the great cosmic joke.
Find happiness within yourself. Concentrate on YOU. Tear down those safety nets and kick away those crutches… and the world of normalcy opens to you.
Her: “I have two kids and want to pursue my PhD while you pay for everything. Sound like a plan?”
Mentally Healthy Guy: “It was great meeting you. Take care.”
Her: “Wow that was some great casual sex we just had. I would like to date exclusively now. Can I meet your parents next week?”
Mentally Healthy Guy: “I can appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not interested in jumping into a serious relationship so fast. I hope you understand. You were great. Let’s keep in touch.”
Mentally Healthy Guy (MHG) knows his worth. He knows the PhD and Needy Girl have something off about them and he doesn’t want to waste more time being around them. It was fun… but no thanks. They are literally two of about 500,000 women in his demographic that he would be willing to date. Maybe one of those 500,000 end up being a really great match and she is worthy of settling down with.
Chances are that won’t be the case… and he knows that. He’s cool with that.
My typical reader doesn’t know that. They are broken. They CAN’T see that right now. They have no true sense of worth. They’re in a very confused state. They see the monogamous long term relationship as the finish line because that’s all they’ve known all these years. If they happen to hit that finish line in week #2 of their divorced life… great!
Take time. Step back. Reflect. Work. Think. Work more. Be honest with yourself.
The women aren’t going anywhere. That ONE girl is not THE ONE. Trust me. If she is your perfect one-in-a-milion match, she will wait for you. She’ll understand, back off, and be a friend.
That’s what good, healthy people do.
Chances are, with time and distance, you will realize just how much she is NOT the one and just how broken she also is. See… when in a broken state, you tend to attract other broken people. Mentally healthy people recognize your brokenness and avoid you. They’re the girls at the bar who look at you wide-eyed and say “Okay… well, it was nice meeting you.”
They’re not playing hard-to-get… they’re running away. There’s a big difference. They have a finally-tuned “broken guy” meter.
Take time. Lots of time. Enjoy life. Discover yourself. You will very quickly slip and fall and find yourself right back on Step 1. Then you’ll go through the process again. Then again. Then you’ll find you’re not slipping anymore.
You’ll be failing a lot over the next few months/years. No need to exponentiate the suffering with a quick new wife replacement. You can ride the rollercoaster by yourself.
You’re a big boy now.
On this site, my most popular podcasts and articles are by far the ones dealing with Dead Bedrooms. The next most popular topics are about Infidelity.
On the way more popular website Talk About Marriage, the two most popular “focused” topics are “Coping with Infidelity” and “Sex in Marriage“. No other topics even come close.
So… bad sex and cheating spouses. That’s the bread and butter of relationship discussion on the web. How nice.
So… what’s going on? Why so many people searching for and commenting on issues related to infidelity and sex in marriage? Is it REALLY that bad?
First of all, yes… lots of people get caught cheating on their spouses AND a lot of people have shitty sex lives. That’s just a fact.
Second, there are a lot of men on the internet just trying to figure out HOW to fix things when they go horribly wrong. They want to know what steps they can take to go back to banging their wife 2 times a day. They want to know what they can do to get their wife to fall back in love with them after catching her riding the guy from her spinning class.
They also want to know WHY and HOW the relationship machine broke so “suddenly”. Surely there’s gotta be a relationship owner’s manual PDF they can download for free somewhere.
For the male victims of infidelity, more often than not the answer they get from their community is some variation of “Dude. Stop. Just leave the whore already.” He doesn’t listen. “Just leave” is an irrational, knee-jerk reaction that has long-lasting and negative repercussions to the family unit. Besides, all these people on the internet don’t know his wife. She’s really not the evil creature his story might make her out to be. She has just lost her way and there is STILL a chance to right this sinking ship. She just needs to be reminded of all the good things they have going on and she will snap out of this “fog” she is in and come to her senses.
This is the equivalent of a guy under the hood of his car, checking the oil and brake fluid while the car is engulfed in flames. “Hold on a sec… Let me just check the wiper fluid real quick. It looks a little low, too.”
Men are fixers. We apply our RATIONAL, annoying Spock-like minds to these dramatic, emotion-filled situations and do all kinds of calculations and what-if scenarios to find the magic solution.
We are using our inherent manly qualities of tinkering and figuring things out and applying them to a situation where it not only doesn’t belong, but could actually end up making the situation even worse.
Sure the washer fluid is full… but you now have third degree burns over your whole body and the car is a pile of ashes.
DRILL THIS INTO YOUR HEAD: You can’t overcome emotion with rationality.
“I don’t understand. Doesn’t she realize what she’s doing to our family? This doesn’t make any sense.”
“She doesn’t have any money. How is she going to take care of herself if she’s on her own?!”
“The guy is a LOSER! How can she blow up our family with a guy like THAT!?”
“If she would just TRY to have sex with me every day, she would remember how much fun sex is and everyone would be happy!”
“I don’t get it. We just renewed our vows. The whole time we were so loving and devoted to each other… and she was having multiple affairs. It makes no sense.”
In cases of infidelity and sex, you’re not dealing with somebody who took out a spreadsheet and listed all of the pros and cons in their decision making.
You’re dealing with emotion. FEELINGS. Human NATURE.
In the world of emotion, 2+2 can, in fact, equal 5… as long as it feels right.
Emotion wins. Every time.
Advertisers have known this for decades.
Do you want to sell a product? Show the consumer how bad things can be without it. Show them how everyone else has it and just look how HAPPY and good looking they are now that they have this product in their lives. Create a culture around your product. Create an image and set of rituals around your product. Tap into their innate human programming while at the same time pushing those buttons that release a potent shot of dopamine. Once they feel like they are part of a community AND better than the other guy AND they feel a euphoric high using the product… then it’s over. They’ll pay a premium for the EXPERIENCE of your product. Doesn’t matter that it was made in China by slave labor and will break in one year.
The nerds say “Why buy the iMac when a PC for half the cost will easily outperform it?” They’re the same type of guy that says “Why would she cheat on me with that loser that works at Taco Bell?”
He doesn’t get it. It has nothing to do with common sense and rational thought. It’s emotion. It’s innate programming. It’s human nature.
You can’t beat it with your rationality, dude. Don’t even try. You’ll just go crazy in the process.
“She’s nuts. All women are nuts.”
It’s extremely easy to throw your hands up and just proclaim all women to be varying degrees of crazy. It’s the knee-jerk way out of actually trying to think, empathize and understand people who can have a vastly different perspective on life. The problem is that once you DO get a better understanding of women and their psychology in particular, you inevitably come back with some variation of “Wow, it’s like she can’t help it.” This can be even more disturbing and shocking to a lot of men.
I know, “She can’t help it” seems to imply that she is a child that has no control over what she does in life. No, that’s not it at all.
Women are human and all humans have a “just can’t help it” line of autonomous behavior.
The “CLICK-WHIRR” Effect
In his book “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion”, social psychologist Robert Cialdini breaks down the mechanisms that cause people to DO certain things for certain people. He dives quickly into the dangerous world of our autonomic animalistic behavior. I say “dangerous” because people REALLY don’t like being told that they don’t have complete free will in their day-to-day behavior. We REALLY REALLY don’t like being told that men and women have different instinctual drives that govern our behavior.
In today’s society we often misconstrue “different” as implying “inferior”. That hurts feelings and causes anxiety. People are more than willing to gladly ignore science if it means not hurting feelings. See the uproar from the latest Google “manifesto” as a perfect example.
We humans feel that we digest every important nugget of information we’re presented with and at least TRY to create the most rational and altruistic response at all times.
“You can do what you decide to do — but you cannot decide what you will decide to do.” – Sam Harris
Cialdini illustrates our autonomic programming with something he calls the “Click-Whirr” Effect.
Basically, think of a machine that clicks on and then the mechanism or tape starts spinning… that’s the whirr. Every living creature has some type of programming in them that is setup to monitor for a specific stimuli (the click) and react accordingly (the whirr).
In a particular species of turkey, for example, they have an internal program that says “When I hear the very specific sound/pitch of a baby turkey that has just hatched, I will sit on it to keep it warm.” Scientists were able to bring a box into a cage… a box with no discernable turkey-like features… and get a female turkey to sit on it just by playing the newly hatched turkey noise.
The baby chick noise was the click. Mama sitting on the box was the whirr.
The turkey didn’t THINK “I hear a noise. Their must be a baby turkey inside this box, I must protect it.” It just REACTED. Instantly. No thought. No rationalizing. Thousands of years of progamming at work.
Cialdini takes the principle of the click-whirr and applies it to humans in the form of persuasion. Getting people to do what you want means knowing what specific buttons to click to get just the right reaction out of them. You can mimic certain innate behavioral triggers and watch again and again just how little free will people actually have.
The Click-Whirr Effect in Real Life
Take, for example, the infamous dead bedroom.
The dead bedroom is a response. You were having sex… something happened… now you’re not. Simple as that.
Responses like these, for the most part, are NOT thought out or intentional. There’s no genuine malice at play here. This is DEEPLY embedded if/then programming statements that have been around for generations. This is the kind of stuff that keeps the species moving along. This is biology. Biology doesn’t care that you are gold medal dad of the year for the past 10 years. Biology doesn’t care that you bring home a steady paycheck and paid for a new furnace last month.
All biology knows is that you did X and you now get Y in return.
Instead of using the harsh terms like “nature” or “programming”, we can also refer to this as “emotion”. They’re all inerchangeable. Calling it emotion softens the blow a bit and gives it a weakened image of “silly little girl” or “weak-willed man”, when in-fact it can be broken down into digestable and predictable chunks of stimuli-response. There’s nothing infantile or crazy about it.
After much life experience and research, I have reached the conclusion that men just need to push the following clicks/buttons, in no particular order, to elicit the classic “dead bedroom/infidelity” whirr responses we all read about again and again:
- Don’t look good. Give no shits about your appearance.
- Don’t stand up to her. Let her do, say and act however she pleases… even when she’s being an asshole.
- Don’t be fun and exciting. Allow life’s obstacles to give you an excuse to be dull and predictable.
- Stop being interested in other women. Don’t talk about them and don’t look at them. Pretend they don’t exist.
Show me a guy who says that he’s not getting his intimate needs met in marriage I will show you a guy that will say “Yeah, you’re right” to three out of the four items above.
When you don’t look good, your wife’s hindbrain says “Not good genetic material for mating purposes… Not attractive to other females…must not procreate with this male.” The whirr: “Not tonight honey. I have a headache.”
When you don’t stand up to her and instead just say “yes, dear” twenty times a day, her brain says “This male is weak. He can’t even stand up to me… how will he stand up to things that are truly dangerous and protect me and the family?” The whirr: “I miss being single…”
When you stop being fun and exciting, her brain says “He must be getting older and less virile. Testosterone must be down. He won’t be able to procreate successfully or protect me from danger. “ The whirr: “I’m going out for lunch with Tom, my ex-boyfriend from college.”
When you stop looking at other women in a sexual way, her brain says “I have no danger of losing my provider. He doesn’t even do the most basic of horny male stuff. He ain’t going anywhere.” The whirr: “I’m tired. I’m going to put on my sweats and just go to bed. But first I will eat three pieces of cake leftover from yesterday.”
These clicks and whirrs are usually not overt or conscious. More often then not they are subtle and pile up over time. The woman is not taking out a flow chart to decide whether or not she still finds her husband attractive. It “just happens”. The subsequent whirr is absolutely mystifying to the unsuspecting husband.
This is when they hear things like:
“I don’t know why I don’t want sex like I used to. I just don’t.”
“It just happened. We were talking, we had a few drinks, he came over… I’m sorry.”
Push the right combination of clicks and the subsequent whirr will wipe your past out as if it never happened. Your history as a couple and all of the past good deeds are NO match for her emotion. “But but… we have marriage VOWS!” Dude… you’re not listening. The programming has already kicked in. There is no line of code that says “If marriage status = true, stop whirr sequence immediately.” It doesn’t work that way.
This is the “affair fog” you read so much about. The spouse becomes a kind of autonomous cheater robot.
*Beep boop* “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” *Beep boop beep* “It’s not you. It’s me” *Beep bop beep boop* “I think we need to take a break.”
You’re witnessing the whirr happening right before your eyes. Everything in her life but the affair is wiped out. You can call this “being in love”… “obsession” … “this is not my wife”…. or you can say that the other man came in at the right time, pushed the right buttons and the “copulate with competing male” whirr started spinning away.
Same result either way: She’s cheating. The whirr has started. You just let the machine run its course… and you walk away. For good.
Healthy people recognize the reality of the whirr. They recognize their capability for malevolence. To combat this, they construct what we call “boundaries” around themselves. They don’t put themselves in positions where clicks are abundant.
- They don’t do girls night outs with that one questionably sane gal from the office. They say “No thank you!” and take their energy home to their husband.
- They don’t keep the dirty text they got from the hot 19 year old neighbor girl a secret. They tell the girl that it’s very inappopriate and immediately show their wife.
- They don’t have drinks alone after work with the charming guy from the office. They tell him that he should ask his wife out instead.
- They don’t stay and listen to the hot girl at the office talk about how she would kill to have a guy like him in her life. They say “Thanks”, walk away, and tell the wife about it.
- They don’t keep messages from their ex a secret. They block the number and immediately inform their husband.
Beware the person who gets angry about having to put up boundaries to their behavior. Beware people who repeatedly claim “I would never cheat” and get angry when the thought of boundaries are brought up. That is clue one that they don’t have any boundaries and they are more apt to let their guard down and open themselves up to the dangerous clicks all around them. They’re in denial of their capacity for wrongdoing and they project their fears and insecurities onto you.
Crossing the line
It doesn’t take much to cross the line. Not much at all. People are more apt to cross it if the circumstances are right. They are more apt to give in to the impulses and clicks and let the machine take over and whirr away if they have the right stressors and emotional baggage in place.
In short, if you come from a broken home, have a history of abuse, were sexual at a very early age, have a history of substance abuse …. you are one finely tuned whirring machine. Your defenses are frequently down and it takes A LOT more consistent boundary enforcement to keep car from going off the road.
One common scenario I see again and again:
- Wife has baggage galore. Regardless of her past, she has become a successful and well-rounded person.
- Red flags are abundant but ignored. Her actions are questionable but they are always short of crossing the line. The man is led to believe that his nagging gut feelings make him a bad person. He looks at all the positives, instead.
- One or a series of bad life moments (stressors) take place. A family member dies. Job loss. Demotion. Illness. New job responsibilities. Something happens and it is enough to break down the few boundaries they may have… and they are off to the races. Strange behavior galore. Cheating. “This is not my wife.” The robot has been activated.
When I talk about my own personal “awakening” during post-divorce life, I usually mean in terms of recognizing the underlying truths in relationships and the psychology of my fellow humans, ladies in particular. Accepting REALITY and not what SHOULD be, in other words.
The reccuring subtext of this awakening: Just how mind-numbingly stupid men are when it comes to their relationships with women.
My first glimpse into baffling male behavior (other than my own special blend of stupid) came very early on. My ex-wife had just moved out. The kids were at their grandparents’ house and I had a rare night home alone. I was feeling VERY down. I decided to send a text message to a guy that my therapist had put me in touch with. “His story is a lot like yours” she told me.
He didn’t text me back but instead immediately called me. “I don’t like texting and I’m glad you reached out.” Turns out he was eagerly awaiting my call and couldn’t wait to share his story and get things off his chest. He talked a mile a minute.
Of course, there were many similarities between our stories. He was the first guy who clued me into how all the guy stories are the same. “Let me guess… she did this and this and then did this, right?” It was like I was talking to some kind of psychic medium. Did he have cameras in my house or something?? Creepy how he knew everything.
His story sure was interesting. His world was flipped upside down when he discovered that his wife and mother of his two children was not only having an affair, but an affair with a WOMAN. She proclaimed that she was now gay and probably always had been.
He told me all the details of their storybook life. Kids, his long hours at work, her going back to school… and then BAM! He sees messages from some guy. BAM! They’re having an affair. BAM! Oh wait, it’s a woman. BAM! She’s moving out. BAM! She wants the girls to live with her and her new lover most of the time… in a little two bedroom apartment in a not-so-nice part of town.
That was quite the five punch combo. Jesus… I thought I had it bad.
He says it looks like he’s going to have to spend some money and hire and attorney to fight for 50/50 custody… or better yet majority custody. She doesn’t work, so he probably has a good chance. “Is she going to try and come after you for money? Alimony, child support, stuff like that?”, I asked.
Here’s the kicker. Wait for it…
“No, my wife wouldn’t do that. Everyone always asks me that… but I KNOW MY WIFE BETTER THAN ANYONE and she’s not the type of person to go after my money like that.”
This guy JUST told me all these stories about his life getting yanked out from under him by a wife who had an affair with a woman and is currently trying to take the kids away from him so that they can all live happily in her lesbian lover’s shitty apartment… and he was saying that he KNOWS his wife and she wouldn’t do something like come after his money???
My initial reaction was to chuckle… because surely he was joking.
Nope. He was dead serious.
He was conditioned and in complete denial. This guy probably saw more red flags than a Chinese parade during the course of his relationship. He didn’t do a damn thing about any of them and he STILL had his head in the sand about his cheating wife. His current situation wasn’t just a continuation of more and more red flags. His situation was the RESULT of years of ignored red flags… AND they were signs of even MORE inevitable bad things to come. It’s time to lawyer up and protect yourself, dude! All hands on deck!
But no… his wife wouldn’t do that. He knows her too well.
I have heard some variation of this more than a few times. Usually it’s when a man starts complaining about his wife and her new (not new, just amplified), confusing behavior. “She’s hanging out with the girls from work all the time… she’s ignoring the kids… the house is a mess… she’s always at work… she works out at the gym all the time… she goes down to the basement and listens to music for hours instead of being with the family… she opened up her own bank account… I caught her texting some guy… I caught her lying”.
Then somebody says “Do you think she’s cheating on you?”
“Oh no, dude… she would never do that. She’s not like that. She’s very much against cheating. Always has been.”
What you’re seeing here is blatant denial. Why? Because a large part of the man’s reality is based upon one giant myth:
His wife is THE ONE.
And as THE ONE, she is above all of those basic stupid negative qualities so many normal HUMANS have. To think she would lower herself to such things… No way. Not his wife.
What about if Ms. Perfect mothered his children? Oh shit… then she’s got moral superiority points from now until the end of time. Mothers don’t do things like that.
And then… he finds out. She really WAS capable of that thing he said she would never do. Damn. “But you know what… no no… she may have done THAT thing, but she would never do that OTHER thing. I know her… deep down she’s good. Going one step further into awfulness? Nope. Not her.”
He keeps moving the goalposts. He keeps changing the rules so that she never wins the coveted “She’s just an awful human being after all” trophy.
To men with no boundaries and a fear of conflict (and the subsequent abandonement), there is no choice but to put the woman at a higher level than him. She is the beacon of hope in a world filled with dread and anxiety. If that crumbles, what’s he have left to lean on?
To put it in wise grandpa terms: The boy done put the pussy on a pedestal.
It starts when we are young.
The hormones kick in. Puberty happens. Girls start looking VERY interesting. A boy just wants to go up to that cute girl in class and say “You are really pretty. Will you be my girlfriend?” But no… he wouldn’t dare. She is a beacon of beauty and sunshine. Just the thought of being rejected by her makes his face flush. He prefers to keep her at a safe distance so he can marvel at her beauty. This guarantees that he doesn’t experience the awfulness of rejection.
Then Jimmy, the confident and really tall kid in class, walks right up to her one day. “Wow. You’re hot. You should be my girlfriend.” And with that… they are officially a couple.
Jimmy knew one thing about Ms. Perfect: She’s just a girl. A pretty girl… but just a girl. She poops. She farts. She gets sick. She picks her nose. She has dandruff. She drools when she sleeps. She’s human. She has no superpowers. The worst she can do is say no… and who cares? A no from her has no more power than the no he got from mom and dad that morning before school. No more power than his coach that said no yesterday at practice. A no is a one word syllable which just means “Ain’t happening here.. try somewhere else.” Oh, ok. No biggy.
To the sad sap, chatting up Ms. Perfect is a monumental feat in overcoming fear and anxiety. It’s the same as jumping out of a plane. His heart is pumping. He’s thinking of all the right things to say. He doesn’t want to look like a moron.
To Jimmy… it’s just a girl.
The Teen Years
As we mature and become horny out-of-control teen boys, the pedestalization gets amplified. We are torn between feelings of romance/love and unbridled testosterone-fueled horniness. We dream of walking hand-in-hand with Ms. Perfect and talking on the phone for hours and going to the movies, and also fantasize about banging her in the basement on the washing machine. Spin cycle, of course.
Our sap sits around with his buddies, staring at Ms. Perfect during lunch time. “I would eat a mile long trail of her shit just to get to that ass” his friend says. The boys all laugh. It’s hilarious and gross, but the message is clear: She is a goddess. Her value is beyond measure. Oh, the things you would do just to spend five filthy minutes with her.
Oh, great. Tall Jimmy again. He walks right up to Ms. Perfect and puts his arm around her. She leans into him and smiles. Wait, wasn’t he going out with Ms. Hotty last week? What’s he doing with Ms. Perfect today?! Man, these pretty girls just love these assholes.
No… Jimmy is not an asshole. He is just not intimidated. He sees what he wants and goes for it. He learned early on not to be intimidated. He can take rejection from a girl.
Remember, you don’t see the 18 other times he struck out. You just see the home runs.
Ironically, it’s rare that our timid hero is NOT married during early adulthood. You’d think he would be the one to not have a woman in his life.. but no. He’s the type that of guy that jumps on the first woman that gives him attention. It just snowballs from there.
Here’s the typical timeline:
- They were highschool classmates or met in college.
- She asked him out or he was pushed by friends to talk to her.
- The attention from her is overwhelmingly positive. He quickly dedicates himself to her. Instant monogamous relationship. What are the chances that he meet the one perfect girl for him… and in math class!? Weird how the universe works.
- He hasn’t had a woman before or since he met her.
- He deals with many red flags during their relationship but always looks at her good side. He thinks he’s a better person because of this.
- She leaves him. She usually cites their early relationship and lack of life experience as a motivation. An affair is discovered. This is usually after children are already in the picture.
This is all a result of the childhood female pedestalization continuing on into adulthood. He stil doesn’t dare approach women, so it took a woman to come to HIM or friends to PUSH him to a woman they feel was a good match. Usually this woman has the more masculine/strong energy to his more feminine/soft energy.
Now that he actually has attained the dream of getting a woman’s attention for more than five minutes, he’ll do whatever he can to keep her around. This is like becoming buddies with a celebrity. “Oh, we’re going to go out and party at 3am and do drugs now? Ok, sounds cool Mr. Rock Star. Can I get a photo of us together for Facebook?”
She eventually grows tired of the lack of resistance and longs for somebody with a little more spunk and backbone. This knocks her guard down and she repeatedly approaches the innapropriate line. It doesn’t take much to convince her to cross the line. Affair time.
But, let’s not beat up the poor guy too much. It’s easy to write him off as just being an anxious dude. But, It’s not all his fault.
Society doesn’t help.
As much as we strive for equality between the sexes, we can’t deny that there ARE differences. We try our best to push down the innate biology , but society knows. We all know. We just ain’t the same.
Case in point…
The boat is going down. You have an hour before it goes under completely and everyone dies in the cold Atlantic. Time to deploy the lifeboats. What does the captain yell out?
“Women and children first!”
We’re all well aware of this phrase. It’s been popularized in movies for years. Yes, it does happen in real life.
There’s a basic evolutionary basis behind this phenomenon. As far as survival of the community is concerned, the women and kids are more valuable. Her eggs are scarce and the kids can go on to create lots more kids during their lifetime. Men are a dime a dozen. You could also argue that the men are physically stronger than the women and children and so they have a much higher chance of survival on their own. But in the case of the sinking ship… no amount of testosterone will keep a man from drowning.
Regardless of the reason why, a man who pushes ahead of a woman for a seat on the lifeboat will be severely chastized by his community. Know your place, homeboy.
This “men are disposable” and “women are wonderful” theme permeates everything in our popular culture.
And yes, this disposable/wonderful phenomenon is a form of sexism. It’s a perversion of the biological differences between men and women. It makes the men out to be strong, respected, violent, impulsive and replaceable. Women are more thoughtful, timid, empathetic, silly, disrespected and prized.
For the man who already has a natural inclination to put women on a pedestal… the societal pressure to do so pushes him over the edge into full-blown denial and maybe even an unhealthy level of worship.
For the sad sap not in a romantic relationship, he’ll very often have a lot of female friends. Why? They are less threatening to him for one. He doesn’t like the feeling he gets when hanging around other men. He feels intimidated and vulnerable. He’s sensitive to the underlying heirarchy that exists among men… and he’s admittedly at the bottom of the pyramid.
He’s also convinced himself that he can have a more open and honest form of friendship with women. Strip away the testosterone and the stupid male competition and you’re left with honesty and emphathy, right? RIGHT!?!
Our sap hopes to escape the primitive and shallow behavior that he perceives with his male friends… but he doesn’t realize he’s also knee deep in that world with his female friends. He’s just blinded by their beauty and female ways.
Completely platonic male-female relationships are extremely rare. There is normally some form of give and take. Usually he gives and she takes. He has no boundaries. She is fully aware of the dynamic at play.
Girls get their homework done for them. Women get free drinks and a shoulder to cry on.
Our sap probably wishes that he WAS in a romantic relationship with one or more of his female friends. Obviously, he can’t tell them this outright. He hopes that his emotion-laden friendship will win him romantic points and she will eventually open to him, sexually. If he eventually gets up the nerve to ask her out, it will be waaaay too late. Due to his excessively emotional and needy behavior, he has ruined any chance of being romantic with her. He’s just another girlfriend.
He feels used. He feels angry because she’s not seeing that he is the perfect guy for her (silly delicate flower of a girl just can’t understand). He gets mad that the Jimmies of the world who win her affection so easily. Years of pedestalization and worship won’t even get him to first base. Yet, he sticks by her side. In fact he will be there to protect her and listen to her when she cries about her relationships with other men.
He’s on the backburner and he knows it. He’s cool with that… because she’s a woman. She’s on a pedestal.
Any of these things sound familiar?
“I never understood what you saw in her. You were way outta her league.”
“Dude… you need to stop being a doormat. She’s taking advantage of you.”
“Why do you put up with that from her?”
You’re as disposable as you want to be. You have value.
Your wife “Wouldn’t do that“? Yes she would. Of course she would. She’s a human. We are all capable of awfulness. She is not different. Her vagina gives her no key to the kingdom of heaven. She’s not a magical being worthy of fear. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around her. Tell her no. Tell her to knock it off. Show her the same respect you give to men… by treating her as an equal.
She’s one of a billion. Knock her ass off the pedestal.
The most insidious and oft-overlooked red flag in the giant book of red flags is without a doubt LYING.
Lying is so pervasive that we even have a term for the more “innocent” ones: “little white lies”.
How about “fib”? Sounds like a name for a little hamster. Fibster.
We’re so accustomed to being lied to that we let is slip by again and again with no consequence or action. When it comes to our saintly women, men like to fall all over themselves explaining away these indiscretions. Our women are just far too innocent to think that they would lie to us for insidious reasons. They’re just little fibs. Chubby hamsters running on their wheel. Adorable.
The egg heads explain the phenomenon of the lying wife by pointing out that women are conditioned to lie and be more manipulative from an early age. They don’t have the physical attributes we men have… so they can’t punch and kick and push their way out of a bad situation, so they lie and manipulate their way out of it.
That guy just said something mean to you? He’s 9 times the size of you? Turn on the tears, rub your eyes, point to the large man and scream “That man PUNCHED me!” and watch the entire world come to your rescue. Girls learn this pretty early on. Especially the pretty ones.
Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie
Regardless of WHY it happens, the truth is that yes… Women lie. Women are in fact human beings. They have faults. They have vices.
But like all vices and manifestations of psychological baggage, lies must be dealt with. They must not be ignored. There must be a reason for untruths to be spilling out of her mouth, and it’s usually not as innocuous as you think.
I’ll give you a real world example.
My ex-wife and I were invited to 70’s themed party years ago. Everyone was going to go in fake afros, bell bottoms, big sunglasses, big shirt collars, etc. We didn’t really have anything on hand so we had to put together some outfits from any old clothes we might have. She asked around at work if any ladies had anything she could use and she came back with a giant afro wig and glasses. “Look what Sally at work gave me! She said I could just have it! They’re perfect!”
Fast forward to a few days after the party and she asked me to get something out of her purse. Right there on top of a giant wad of crap was a receipt from a costume shop… showing that she had purchased an afro wig, glasses and other things her friends “gave” her to use.
What the…? Why would she lie about that? The grand total was about $30. It’s not like she broke the bank by spending $30. Weird.
Immediately my mind went to “it must be me” mode. Was I such a hard ass about budgeting that she couldn’t share with me that she spent $30 on something unnecessary? Was she that worried about my reaction? Was I causing her to do things in secret like this? Must be me.
I was conditioned. I knew exactly what her reaction would be if I confronted her… and I did… and I was right.
“I couldn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad/upset/angry/sad” is the most overused and manipulative excuse of them all. What they’re doing is shifting the blame from themselves to you. “I just HAD to lie about it because you are such a baby about these things! You always blow them out of proportion. It was nothing.”
Take a moment to think back to all of your interactions with your wife over the years. Were there moments sprinkled in there where she expressed displeasure with something about you? Can’t think of any? Let me help.
“You’re not wearing THAT shirt again, are you?”
“No… we’re not buying that. It looks really stupid and tacky.”
“This place you picked out for us is no good. Next time let me pick.”
“Sigh… do you think you could have the kids not look like hobos when I return?”
“We have people coming over, try not to be too much of a slob.”
Just innocent little wife jabs, right? Little tests here and there to keep you on your toes? What would happen if the roles reversed and you said half of those things to her? You’d be labeled a real abusive jerk of a husband and she’d have six other wives lined up to tell her as much. But I digress…
See, during those frequent little jabs… she had absolutely zero care about what your response may be. Your feelings weren’t a factor. She was just stating facts. You need to know that your favorite shirt looks terrible, that thing you want for the bedroom is tacky, the place you picked out for your date is really trashy, the kids look like hobos when she’s not around and you really need to do a better job of keeping yourself and the bathroom looking good. To her, these are all just necessary statements like “You left the oven on again”. It’s not like she’s out to hurt your feelings… your feelings aren’t even a factor.
See my point? She constantly takes little jabs at your sense of self-worth with zero thought as to how it may annoy or even hurt you. So why NOW is she suddenly concerned about your reaction to something she might say/do?
Because the thing she is hiding with her little lie is just the tip of a much bigger and more sinister iceberg… and she is VERY well aware of that.
Otherwise she would rub it right in your face with no regard for your thoughts.
The $30 afro wig and glasses ensemble my ex-wife bought? It wasn’t about me at all. It was about her. She had a spending problem. She coped with her anxieties by spending and eating. That was her thing. That receipt was one of about 3,987 red flags that told me “Dude… she has a problem”. This particular red flag was there in black and white and she sure didn’t like that I saw it. Yes, it was just $30, but it was a little receipt that was the first of many receipts that added up to thousands of dollars we needed and didn’t have. She knew that. One little white lie at a time hid this reality from view.
Here’s another example you may have run into. I’ve heard some variation of this more than a few times (the names and exact situation are all made up):
You wife was married once before to a dude named Randy. She claims that he was abusive and treated her like dirt throughout their relationship. You’ve personally only met the guy once and she hasn’t spoken to him in 10 years. He’s been a total non-factor in your relationship.
One day you see the messages is open on the laptop you share. Buried at the bottom of a list of conversations is the word “Randy”. She had a text conversation with him. This particular conversation was dated over one year ago. You start going through the messages fearing the worst… and thankfully it’s nothing. Just inane blabber about how his family is doing, good to hear from him, so sorry to hear about this brother, etc. They had four different conversations over a period of a month and then it stopped. He ended the conversation with “Would love to see you sometime soon.” She didn’t reply. Now you feel bad for snooping. But now it’s got you thinking…
Your wife has been blabbering consistently about how awful this man was for the past decade. Years of horror stories. No details left out. One time she pointed out a bottle of ketchup during a routine grocery store trip and said “Randy threw one of those at my head years ago. I had to get stitches.” If there was ever a concern that you may not be comfortable hearing Randy stories, she sure didn’t show it. She never asked. You just let her vent and all is well.
So now that dear old Randy has come out of the woodwork and sent random messages that were friendly and normal and out of character and unexpected… she doesn’t mention them? At all? Not for an entire year? How odd.
You get an idea… instead of just coming out and asking about them, let’s do something more passive… something sneaky. Let’s see if she comes clean.
You: “Honey… remember that one crazy woman that was married to Randy before you? I saw her at the store the other day and she looks like a total meth head. Really scary.”
Her: “Whoa. Yeah, she always had some serious problems. I haven’t seen her in years.”
You: “Yeah, she actually recognized me and asked me if we have heard from Randy. I said ‘Nope, we never talk to him… thank god’. She just laughed.”
*here’s her chance to come clean…. nothing so far*
You: “So.. how long’s it been since we heard from him? Not since you and I started dating… what’s that, like 10 years ago?”
Sigh… there it is. You gave her a chance.
This woman has been mentioning this creep on a regular basis for years, and never mentions the time he apparently awakened from the dead and communicated with her out of the blue. Why? Because something more is going on. Here comes the rest of the iceberg.
He has touched a nerve in her. She felt something inside and she’s a bit ashamed of it. She still has some residual feelings for Randy and she doesn’t like that. Those messages made her feel something good for that short period of time, and she secretly deep down holds out hope that he will message her again. She even started having thoughts of asking him out to lunch. You know… just to catch up. She knows it’s probably wrong… but she isn’t strong enough to overcome those wandering thoughts and she couldn’t bring herself tell you right away that he reached out to her. Why not? Because she knows that telling you would put an end to the communication forever and she’d never hear from Randy again.
The woman who wouldn’t shut the hell up about the guy when he was gone is now completely quiet about him when he reappears. She lies to cover for him. Two big strikes and probably a sign that you are in for some serious trouble.
There’s always a story behind the little lies. Always. But all of that pesky reality can get wiped out with one phrase: “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d get mad.” The reality of the situation flips and now it’s on you. You’re the crazy, irrational one.
Don’t fall for it.
Don’t ignore lies. As soon as they appear, you call them out and dig deep. Talk it out. Investigate. Don’t let up. You may not like what you find but it’s better to know the truth.