Ok… you’re in a familiar predicament. You want your wife, sexually. Sure, she doesn’t look like she used to. Sure, she nags you. Sure, she seems to be upset with life more often than not. But, dammit… she’s your wife. You love her. You gave your word to her and the people at the wedding ceremony that you would make this work no matter what. Plus, you’re a man and you have needs.
Problem: She doesn’t really seem to care much for you and has stopped wanting to have anything resembling a normal sex life with you. Attempts at opening up and communicating with her have actually made things worse. As I stated in Dissecting Dead Bedrooms, she’s just not that into you anymore. She’s given you lots of signals and tests over the years, and you have failed miserably. You’re now paying the price.
So, what to do? Well, it’s a problem and a solution as old as time. It’s simpler and cheaper than countless marriage counselor sessions. Easier than non-stop talking and communicating (you’ve undoubtedly tried this in the form of one or two real adult conversation attempts and a lot of begging, pouting and whining). Cheaper than flowers and chocolates. The solution: You just don’t give a fuck and go do something else. That something else is BETTERING YOURSELF.
That’s it. If you were just dating, you would say “NEXT!” to her and move on. But, you’re married. You gave your vows. You’re a man and you stick to your word. You don’t cheat. You don’t berate her. No whining. No pouting. No begging. You just… go away. Mentally and physically.
Where do you go?
To the gym. You work your ASS off. You hit the weights. REALLY hit the weights. You go play sports with the kids. You go for a vigorous jog. You become a physical being like you hopefully were when you were younger.
To the doctor. Get a full blood panel. Lipids. Hormones. Total and free testosterone. Sensitive Estradiol test. You can actually skip the doc for this and pay out of pocket by paying for the test ahead of time on sites like privatemdlabs.com, and then taking your paperwork to any qualifying lab to get the blood drawn. You get the results later via email. Very quick and easy process. If you see that testosterone is in the low range, and/or estrogen is high… go online and search for a testosterone clinic in your area. Regular family MD’s tend to not know anything about hormone therapy. Endocrinologists tend to only prescribe if it’s a matter of life or death. Get your levels to a high-normal and healthy level and enjoy the numerous benefits. I personally go to Body Shapes Medical.
To the clothing store! Read up on male fashion. New body means new clothes. Look better. Look like you give a shit… unlike 90% of American males today.
Hang out with guys more. Less time with ladies and more time with dudes is a good thing.
Hang out with your kids more. More one-on-one time. They’ll love to see the new you doing awesome things. You’ll get closer than ever to them.
Hobbies. Get to know them again. I like to play a little guitar and maintain this website. I also like photography and videography a great deal.
Notice what’s missing above? Your wife.
You’re not giving her flowers. You’re not sending her love notes. You’re not doing more chores around the house. You don’t reward her for being so obvious with her dislike of you. You’ve tried all of that. You’re also not being an asshole. You just have a mission and that mission is YOU. It’s been neglected for too long. She SHOULD understand that… she’s been about HER for a while now, right?
But, don’t think it will be easy.
Oh boy will she be pissed. People get pissed when they don’t have their whipping boy around any more. You had your place in the household hierarchy. She had hers. You have just flip-flopped things in a BIG way and she does not like it.
At first she may laugh at the change… “Oh, look at him. Acting all manly and going to the gym. Cute.” She may even call you out at this point. “What is this, a mid-life crisis? What’s next… a red Corvette?” You just laugh and go about your business. Maybe you give her a pat on the butt every now and then. You are NOT bothered by her manipulative ways. You don’t CARE that she finds it funny.
Then, you’re hit the slightly angry stage. “Seriously, what’s going on here? Is this going to go on forever? You’re being silly.”If she keeps pressing, you just say “Just working on myself. Long overdue, baby.”
The next stage will come quick. “Are you having a fucking affair?!” NOW you’re making progress. What this means: “You’re now looking and acting good enough for other women to find you attractive and I am worried.” This is awesome. This is where a lot of guys might fold and start explaining away everything until they look meek and stupid in their wife’s eyes. You can just smile and say “Why? Worried?”and give her a fat kiss and hard ass squeeze. Leave her wondering what the hell that was all about. Or, exaggerate: “Yep. Fucking about 5 new women a day. All young. 18 year olds. Porn stars. I fly them in on my downtime… between the kids, the gym, work, my hobbies and home time.”
Just remember: You’re doing NOTHING wrong. You’re NOT having an affair. You are just simply working on yourself. A healthy relationship would mean that your spouse would appreciate and support such changes. Maybe they get a little worried… but not angry and accusing you of wrongdoing. Her reaction is a good barometer of where your marriage is right now.
Next stage: S-E-X. Yep. This is your eureka moment. One day, you may come home to a VERY horny wife. You’ll go upstairs and you are SHOCKED by what you see waiting in the bedroom. “This is my wife?!” You have created the perfect storm of a more physically attractive man (the gym and clothes), a more interesting man (the reading and hobbies), a more social man (the friends), and a great dad (more time with kids).
You are also SCARCE. People want what they can’t have! She’s worried like hell now!
Women LOVE to know that you may be out there and wanted by other women! “He is wanted by all of THEM, but he picked ME.”
But, alas… there’s a rub. There’s always a rub.
You’ve worked so hard to get to this point. It was a lot of personal effort and sacrifice. You finally reach the promised land… and you’re not sure you like it anymore. Dammit. One of two things is going on:
You don’t find her as attractive as you used to. Your standards just went WAY up. You really ARE attractive to a lot more women now. That young gal at the coffee shop is only 21 and she asked if you’d like to stick around during her lunch break and talk. An attractive single mom from the PTO meeting randomly squeezed your bicep and said “Nice, Hercules!”Some random young woman texted you a series of sexual messages and photos out of the blue. Your wife has never looked as good as her.
You now resent your wife. You spent the last X years of your marriage getting the occasional pity sex out of her. You feel like you just had to jump through a lot of hoops to get to this point so that she can reward YOU with sex. Who the hell is she to make me do all of this to win HER? I stuck around with HER all of these years despite all of HER negatives and always loved and wanted HER. She knew how I felt about her but SHE DIDN’T CARE. I have to check off a list of her NEEDS so that she can fulfill one of mine?
It’s tough. This is the rub. You work so hard to get to this point… and now you don’t want her… and she wants you more than ever. It’s a story as old as time and perfectly explained in this clip from the awesome buddy movie, Swingers.
My advice? You’re married. You have kids. You work it out. You let her know how things are going to be from here on out. You enjoy the spoils of war. You lead by example and watch her follow. You NEVER get comfortable and take your foot off the gas. Welcome to being a MAN.
P.S. Yes… I realize there is another option in all of this: You do all then positive work and she still doesn’t want you. That sucks. But… here’s the good news. You have created the best, most attractive version of you available… and there are HUNDREDS of women near you that would be willing to enjoy your company and take pleasure in pleasing YOU.
My own personal experience and that of thousands of other men who have been married and/or dated will tell you the same thing:
If your woman is crazy about you, you will know it. She will leave zero doubt. She will shower you with praise. She will have her hands all over you. She will buy you gifts. She will feel very jealous at times. She will submit to you, sexually. She will be very adventuresome in bed. She will open herself to you mentally and physically. She will feel completely comfortable and safe with you.
So, for all of you guys in long-term relationships or marriages that don’t see any of the above… well, bad news my man. She just isn’t that into you.
Why is that? Why are there communities of men online talking about their “dead bedrooms“? As with most problems in relationships, it’s your fault, dude. Yep. You.
No, this isn’t some post saying “Women good, men bad!” This is real life. YOU are the driver of both yourself AND your relationship. You say what goes for both. It’s called being a leader. You want your woman to be crazy about you again? Then do something about it. No amount of begging, pick-me dancing, whining, flowers, house-cleaning, diaper-changing or other horse shit will get her in bed with you. She needs to WANT YOU again.
But, DSO! My wife is worked to death! She’s tired! The kids wear her butt out! At the end of the day she just wants to lay down and watch some TV or read a good book. I totally get that! I feel that way too, a lot of the time! Give her a freakin’ break!
This is 100% absolutely perfectly understandable. Life is tough. It wears on you. Work. Kids. Bills. Stress stress stress. It takes a certain mindset to get a woman in the mood for intimacy… And those are some pretty big obstacles that get in the way. But, here’s the thing: The energy is in there. Trust me. It just needs to get pulled out.
Many husbands/boyfriends out there are noticing or have learned two things about their completely exhausted, stressed-out female partners:
These women sure are obsessed with porn. Yeah, that Fifty Shades of Grey book, the sequels and that movie that she won’t stop posting on Facebook about? The Magic Mike movie? The naked photo shoot with Adam Levine? That’s porn. Woman porn. Ever read Fifty Shades? Synopsis: Dominate, sociopath rich man picks out shy, homely woman for crazy bondage sex.
She’s talking about other men. At work. At the gym. At the playground. At the soccer field. She’ll talk about their butts. Their pecs. Their tight stomachs. She’ll talk to her friends about them. She’ll talk about celebrities on TV. Athletes. Her favorite country singer in tight pants. Maybe even in front of you. Probably in front of you. Wow, for an exhausted mom… she sure does have her eyes constantly open and taking in all that hot sex on display, doesn’t she? Interesting. Yes, it’s mostly harmless and fun and EVERY mom does it, right?!
SIMPLE RULE:If your woman is crazy in love with you and turned on by you, she has no need openly partake in poorly-written woman porn or sharing pictures of some soccer dude’s abs and butt on Facebook. She looks at those as silly and brags about YOU instead. Oh, and she’ll want to bang you. You won’t need to Google things like “wife won’t have sex with me”. Crazy, I know.
Alright, so maybe you’re coming to terms with the fact that maybe your wife isn’t so crazy about you anymore. So what?! Maybe she never was. What’s the worst that could happen, right? You already have kids, a house, jobs, etc. Life is already set in stone. This is just how marriage IS, right!? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that sex isn’t THAT important to your well being as a man. Stop kidding yourself. Is that why you find yourself looking at porn on a daily basis? So much so that double-anal-double-vaginal fisting bukake amputee porn is the only thing that gets you mildly erect. You can’t walk outside of the house without looking at and drooling over every female of legal age. Your fantasy world exceeds your reality in every way imaginable. But hey… every other married guy is the same, right?
Wrong. It doesn’t have to be that way. A robust and healthy sex life is NOT out of the question for married people. Not at all. Ironically it’s usually the WIFE who is the first to come to this realization. That’s right, your woman isn’t happy about the lack of sizzle in your marriage, either. She wants more. She wants better. She wants to be picked up, thrown on the bed, man-handled and turned into a fuck slave. She wants to drive out to the middle of nowhere at 2:00am, be dragged out and thrown on the hood of the car by a man who rips her panties off in a lustful rage. She wants a guy who is not afraid to say what he wants in bed in the most direct way. She LOVES dirty talk.
SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS WITH YOU.
She’s just not that into you, dude. Sorry. She may not have ever been.
Many of us dense men don’t come to this realization until we catch our wives in an affair. Here’s a very common phrase out of the mouth of a betrayed man: “She did THAT with HIM?!?! She never would do THAT with ME?!? What the fuck!?” Yep, that super exhausted partner of yours managed to dig deep down inside and find enough energy to power all of Eastern Europe.
So, you’re like a lot of guys and you’re nodding your head right now. This all sounds way too familiar and way too depressing. What to do?! Well, a common refrain is “couples counseling!” Get in an office with a professional and freely communicate. Get things out in the open. Yeah, it makes sense on the surface. Communication is a huge thing in any personal relationship. But, ask yourself this: Will openly talking and pussy-footing around the main issue (her lack of attraction towards you) REALLY get her going?
This has never been said, ever:
Oh my gosh, honey! You know what? I just don’t have much sexual attraction towards you anymore. Like.. none. You’re a great dad and stuff, but nothing happening in my hoohah when you’re around. You feel like a brother. But… you know what? Now that we’re here talking about this problem out in the open… I wanna fuck REAL BAD!! YOU ARE SO HOT!! DAMN! Let’s go get a hotel room you hot piece of fuck meat, you!!
It’s a fantasy that has never panned out.
FACT: You can’t negotiate attraction. It’s there, or it isn’t. No amount of talking it out will pull it out of her. It’s time to REBOOT.
Coming Soon: THE BEDROOM REBOOT – A detailed step-by-step guide on getting your sex life back on track… or better than ever before.
When it comes to romantic, long-term relationships… what is a NEED, exactly? It’s a quality that must exist in order for the relationship to flourish and continue. Sounds simple enough, but it never ceases to amaze me just how much us men don’t understand the needs of women.
And no… I don’t have women “all figured out”. As you’ll see, it’s not so simple.
There’s somewhat of a running joke among couples that “Men don’t NEED much… just sex and food and they’re happy”. This is illustrated by the rampant popularity of porn and repeated references on the internet to women making sandwhiches. The reality? Yeah… they’re not that far off. I would add the following:
We need a wife that looks nice and is not an evil bitch all the time.
So… things are easy for a woman. Look decent, and be nice. Be sexual. Help feed him. That about covers it.
And now… what do WOMEN need? Well, like I said… not so simple.
They have a lot of needs. A lot. And those needs pop up sporadically and should be addressed as they come up.
Think of it as a game of wack-a-mole. You remember wack-a-mole, right? The carnival game where the mole heads pop up and you hit them with your mallet. It’s a fun way to relieve stress and the perfect illustration of the female psyche.
One day the “Please be there and comfort me when I’m stressed and scared” mole pops up, quickly followed by the “Please make a decision so I don’t have to” mole… followed by the “Just take me in the laundry room and bang me like your life depended on it” mole. You think you have things figured out and can relax and out pops the “Show me that you care about our future and the well-being of our family” mole, but it’s quickly followed up by “But don’t be safe and practical all the time… be spontaneous and fun and dangerous, too” mole.
Yes, I know some of you guys are thinking “Dude… everybody has needs that change up from time to time.” No, dudes… we don’t have these NEEDS on the same level. Nowhere near the same. In fact, the few things I labeled as NEEDS to a man are really just strong WANTS and DESIRES for many of us. I know a huge number of men who don’t get nearly the sex they want and put up with an overweight and constantly nagging wife. Why? Hey… she’s his wife. What’s he going to do? Tell her off and anger her more? Leave her? Meh… not worth it. He’ll go do something else. Watch football or something. Life is simple. Who gives a shit? Women… they’re all like that, am I right fellas?! *High five.*
We’re not exactly HAPPY with such situations. Oh, we will pout on occasion when you’re not giving us sex. We’ll occasionally try to talk it out… but we rarely go the nuclear route and say “Do this and not this. I will not tolerate this behavior and I mean it.” Very rarely. Why? Part of it is the rampant pussification of males… the rest of it is our strong male sense of right and wrong working against our own best interest. She’s the mother of your children and the woman you gave your oath to… thus, she has the right to be shitty and we have to deal with it and make the best of it. Just concentrate on your job and the kids. Things will improve at some point. You feel selfish and like an asshole for thinking otherwise.
Women have an innate need to have each and every one of their needs addressed on a regular basis. Yes, you can miss hitting one of them every now and then… but if you repeatedly miss the same need, she WILL find someone or something to whack that mole, and it most likely won’t be you.
Here’s the rub: When she finds something or someone to whack that neglected mole, she will absolutely forget that you hit all of the rest of the needs on a regular basis. This is emotion we are talking about. When emotion is introduced into equation, all bets are off. As far as she’s concerned, you have failed her as a good mate… and you will see things start to CHANGE a little:
Less or no more sex
She lets her looks go.
She ceases doing things for YOU and everything becomes either about her or the family unit.
She puts you down in front of others.
All of these things translate to “I’m losing feelings for you like I used to have, and it bothers me. I’m showing you pretty bluntly here, asshole, so get your shit together. You’re replaceable.”
I have never, in my many years on this planet, heard of a woman that has told her man the above in such blunt terms. Not verbally, anyway. They do with action. With emotion.
YES! I totally can relate to this! Our sex life is lame at best and my wife treats me like shit in front of everyone! Where have I failed?! I’m not a mind-reader!
I’m willing to bet you have neglected one particular need or sub-group of needs on a regular basis. How am I so sure? Because I’ve seen it a thousand times. It’s THE most commonly neglected need there is.
In general terms, you’re not gaining her respect. In more specific terms, You’re not demonstrating that you have a backbone. Ever. You constantly back down to your wife. Any honest woman will tell you that they respect their man more when he tells her bluntly how things are and if he won’t back down from his opinion. Respect is EVERYTHING to a woman. I repeat: RESPECT is EVERYTHING to a WOMAN. If she doesn’t respect you, she is not fucking you. She is not keeping herself looking nice. She is not being sweet and loving to you. She will find you to be just one of the many pathetic people she encounters on a daily basis. She will resent you for wasting her precious years living with you.
If you find yourself saying “Oh, I can’t tell her THAT… she will be super pissed or leave me!”… then you have already lost. This relationship thing is a game. The one willing to show that they have options and that they stand up for their beliefs wins.
Of all the moles that pop up, men think that beating the shit out of the “be sweet and a good provider” mole is all you need. Nope. Not even close. If you want to be the ideal husband to the wife you love, you have to be combination of the guy who beats the luvvy duvvy need moles, and also the guy who loves flexing his muscle and beating the shit out of the “show me you have the balls to stand up to me” mole on occasion.
This is the “well rounded” man you hear about. Not afraid to be sweet, not afraid to be mean, a great provider, great with kids, interesting personality and knows his way around the bedroom.