The most insidious and oft-overlooked red flag in the giant book of red flags is without a doubt LYING.
Lying is so pervasive that we even have a term for the more “innocent” ones: “little white lies”.
How about “fib”? Sounds like a name for a little hamster. Fibster.
We’re so accustomed to being lied to that we let is slip by again and again with no consequence or action. When it comes to our saintly women, men like to fall all over themselves explaining away these indiscretions. Our women are just far too innocent to think that they would lie to us for insidious reasons. They’re just little fibs. Chubby hamsters running on their wheel. Adorable.
The egg heads explain the phenomenon of the lying wife by pointing out that women are conditioned to lie and be more manipulative from an early age. They don’t have the physical attributes we men have… so they can’t punch and kick and push their way out of a bad situation, so they lie and manipulate their way out of it.
That guy just said something mean to you? He’s 9 times the size of you? Turn on the tears, rub your eyes, point to the large man and scream “That man PUNCHED me!” and watch the entire world come to your rescue. Girls learn this pretty early on. Especially the pretty ones.
Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie
Regardless of WHY it happens, the truth is that yes… Women lie. Women are in fact human beings. They have faults. They have vices.
But like all vices and manifestations of psychological baggage, lies must be dealt with. They must not be ignored. There must be a reason for untruths to be spilling out of her mouth, and it’s usually not as innocuous as you think.
I’ll give you a real world example.
My ex-wife and I were invited to 70’s themed party years ago. Everyone was going to go in fake afros, bell bottoms, big sunglasses, big shirt collars, etc. We didn’t really have anything on hand so we had to put together some outfits from any old clothes we might have. She asked around at work if any ladies had anything she could use and she came back with a giant afro wig and glasses. “Look what Sally at work gave me! She said I could just have it! They’re perfect!”
Fast forward to a few days after the party and she asked me to get something out of her purse. Right there on top of a giant wad of crap was a receipt from a costume shop… showing that she had purchased an afro wig, glasses and other things her friends “gave” her to use.
What the…? Why would she lie about that? The grand total was about $30. It’s not like she broke the bank by spending $30. Weird.
Immediately my mind went to “it must be me” mode. Was I such a hard ass about budgeting that she couldn’t share with me that she spent $30 on something unnecessary? Was she that worried about my reaction? Was I causing her to do things in secret like this? Must be me.
I was conditioned. I knew exactly what her reaction would be if I confronted her… and I did… and I was right.
“I couldn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad/upset/angry/sad” is the most overused and manipulative excuse of them all. What they’re doing is shifting the blame from themselves to you. “I just HAD to lie about it because you are such a baby about these things! You always blow them out of proportion. It was nothing.”
Take a moment to think back to all of your interactions with your wife over the years. Were there moments sprinkled in there where she expressed displeasure with something about you? Can’t think of any? Let me help.
“You’re not wearing THAT shirt again, are you?”
“No… we’re not buying that. It looks really stupid and tacky.”
“This place you picked out for us is no good. Next time let me pick.”
“Sigh… do you think you could have the kids not look like hobos when I return?”
“We have people coming over, try not to be too much of a slob.”
Just innocent little wife jabs, right? Little tests here and there to keep you on your toes? What would happen if the roles reversed and you said half of those things to her? You’d be labeled a real abusive jerk of a husband and she’d have six other wives lined up to tell her as much. But I digress…
See, during those frequent little jabs… she had absolutely zero care about what your response may be. Your feelings weren’t a factor. She was just stating facts. You need to know that your favorite shirt looks terrible, that thing you want for the bedroom is tacky, the place you picked out for your date is really trashy, the kids look like hobos when she’s not around and you really need to do a better job of keeping yourself and the bathroom looking good. To her, these are all just necessary statements like “You left the oven on again”. It’s not like she’s out to hurt your feelings… your feelings aren’t even a factor.
See my point? She constantly takes little jabs at your sense of self-worth with zero thought as to how it may annoy or even hurt you. So why NOW is she suddenly concerned about your reaction to something she might say/do?
Because the thing she is hiding with her little lie is just the tip of a much bigger and more sinister iceberg… and she is VERY well aware of that.
Otherwise she would rub it right in your face with no regard for your thoughts.
The $30 afro wig and glasses ensemble my ex-wife bought? It wasn’t about me at all. It was about her. She had a spending problem. She coped with her anxieties by spending and eating. That was her thing. That receipt was one of about 3,987 red flags that told me “Dude… she has a problem”. This particular red flag was there in black and white and she sure didn’t like that I saw it. Yes, it was just $30, but it was a little receipt that was the first of many receipts that added up to thousands of dollars we needed and didn’t have. She knew that. One little white lie at a time hid this reality from view.
Here’s another example you may have run into. I’ve heard some variation of this more than a few times (the names and exact situation are all made up):
You wife was married once before to a dude named Randy. She claims that he was abusive and treated her like dirt throughout their relationship. You’ve personally only met the guy once and she hasn’t spoken to him in 10 years. He’s been a total non-factor in your relationship.
One day you see the messages app is open on the laptop you share. Buried at the bottom of a list of conversations is the word “Randy”. She had a text conversation with him. This particular conversation was dated over one year ago. You start going through the messages fearing the worst… and thankfully it’s nothing. Just inane blabber about how his family is doing, good to hear from him, so sorry to hear about this brother, etc. They had four different conversations over a period of a month and then it stopped. He ended the conversation with “Would love to see you sometime soon.” She didn’t reply. Now you feel bad for snooping. But now it’s got you thinking…
Your wife has been blabbering consistently about how awful this man was for the past decade. Years of horror stories. No details left out. One time she pointed out a bottle of ketchup during a routine grocery store trip and said “Randy threw one of those at my head years ago. I had to get stitches.” If there was ever a concern that you may not be comfortable hearing Randy stories, she sure didn’t show it. She never asked. You just let her vent and all is well.
So now that dear old Randy has come out of the woodwork and sent random messages that were friendly and normal and out of character and unexpected… she doesn’t mention them? At all? Not for an entire year? How odd.
You get an idea… instead of just coming out and asking about them, let’s do something more passive… something sneaky. Let’s see if she comes clean.
You: “Honey… remember that one crazy woman that was married to Randy before you? I saw her at the store the other day and she looks like a total meth head. Really scary.”
Her: “Whoa. Yeah, she always had some serious problems. I haven’t seen her in years.”
You: “Yeah, she actually recognized me and asked me if we have heard from Randy. I said ‘Nope, we never talk to him… thank god’. She just laughed.”
*here’s her chance to come clean…. nothing so far*
You: “So.. how long’s it been since we heard from him? Not since you and I started dating… what’s that, like 10 years ago?”
Sigh… there it is. You gave her a chance.
This woman has been mentioning this creep on a regular basis for years, and never mentions the time he apparently awakened from the dead and communicated with her out of the blue. Why? Because something more is going on. Here comes the rest of the iceberg.
He has touched a nerve in her. She felt something inside and she’s a bit ashamed of it. She still has some residual feelings for Randy and she doesn’t like that. Those messages made her feel something good for that short period of time, and she secretly deep down holds out hope that he will message her again. She even started having thoughts of asking him out to lunch. You know… just to catch up. She knows it’s probably wrong… but she isn’t strong enough to overcome those wandering thoughts and she couldn’t bring herself tell you right away that he reached out to her. Why not? Because she knows that telling you would put an end to the communication forever and she’d never hear from Randy again.
The woman who wouldn’t shut the hell up about the guy when he was gone is now completely quiet about him when he reappears. She lies to cover for him. Two big strikes and probably a sign that you are in for some serious trouble.
There’s always a story behind the little lies. Always. But all of that pesky reality can get wiped out with one phrase: “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d get mad.” The reality of the situation flips and now it’s on you. You’re the crazy, irrational one.
Don’t fall for it.
Don’t ignore lies. As soon as they appear, you call them out and dig deep. Talk it out. Investigate. Don’t let up. You may not like what you find but it’s better to know the truth.
Here’s a common term in the world of relationships: BAGGAGE.
“Baggage” is another word for all the negative shit that happened to you in the past and that is presumably deeply embedded in your psyche and ready to bubble up at a moment’s notice. After a marriage dissolves a man will often talk about all of the ex-wife’s baggage she brought to the relationship and how he should’ve acted on this crucial data earlier on.
Examples of typical female “baggage” may include:
- No father figure in her life
- Comes from a broken home
- History of sexual abuse
- History of sexual promiscuity
- History of poor past relationships with men
- Past drug abuse
You get the idea. This is all a bunch of stuff that when us seasoned guys hear it we wince and say “Ooo… be careful, dude.” What we mean is “The chances of this relationship not working and you getting hurt are much higher than with a low/no baggage girl.”
This is true.
Also true: The chance of you finding a low/no baggage girl are somewhere between slim and none. This isn’t a typical condemnation of current western society, but rather a testimonial to human nature.
We ALL have baggage. All of us. Every one of us.
What we ALL don’t have is the ability to COPE with said baggage. Therefore your litmus test for a good long-term relationship partner shouldn’t be “Does she have baggage?”, but rather “Awful shit happens to everyone all over the world… how does she DEAL with it?” This is the bread and butter of what makes a good partner. Staring life right in the eye when it gives us a shit sandwich and saying “That’s it?! What else you got?”
I myself have baggage. A good deal of it, actually. I was dumped by my wife for another man (ouch). I was left with three kids that I have most of the time (double ouch). As a result, my professional life has suffered and I would probably have more money if it wasn’t for the divorce and expensive kids (triple ouch). My ex-wife is also fucking nuts (quadruple ouch). These things do not work in my favor. What DOES work in my favor is how I dealt with them and continue to deal with them on a daily basis. This translates into fortitude and strength. The kind of stuff you want in a partner of either sex.
Picture baggage as a bunch of luggage in the back of a car. A woman who has a shit ton of baggage is barreling down the road in a car with suitcases and duffle bags poking out of the back windows. The trunk is so full that it’s open and tied down with bungee cords. It’s a mess.
The weight of the baggage is SO much that it actually throws off the balance of the car. She has to keep her hands on wheel at all times and constantly make corrections with little tugs left and right. The second she takes her hands off the wheel… SCREEECH! She’s off the road and headed for a tree. Disaster.
That’s what baggage is. It’s all the shit that happened to you in the past that WILL have a negative impact on your life and relationships with others… UNLESS you recognize the baggage for what it is, live in reality, and take steps towards remedying the situation. If you don’t live in reality and say you have nothing to worry about… SCREECH… you’re running right off the road and into danger.
Here are some real life ways in which mature adults “deal with baggage” successfully:
“My entire family are alcoholics. I watched my mom and dad drink themselves almost to death and it ruined my childhood. Because of that I have vowed never to touch a drop of alcohol. I don’t know need it and I am fine without it.”
“I was sexually abused at a young age. Because of that I have intimacy issues and see a therapist on a regular basis. As a result I recognize that I have issues with impulsive promiscuous behavior, and don’t want to threaten my current relationship… so I don’t put myself in compromising positions. No drinks after work with colleagues. No sexual talk at work. No girls’ nights out drinking and going to clubs. I tell my boyfriend about all of the men that contact me and hit on me at work… I don’t want to leave anything a secret no matter how small. Trust and transparency is important.”
“My mother was abusive to my father. She would always hit him and belittle him and call him names in front of me. Because of that I vowed to never do that to my man… but, I recognize that I’m also attracted to guys like my dad and find myself later loathing them and sometimes acting like my mom. I need to get to the bottom of this and talk to a therapist. I need to learn to better control my anger.”
But, of course… it’s never that easy, is it? It’s VERY tempting to take your hands off the wheel for just a second. “I shouldn’t HAVE to always be steering the car. This is stupid. SALLY doesn’t have to steer HER car all the time! I should be able to take my hands off the wheel whenever I want!” – This is not a good thing. This is what we call a broken woman. Mature people recognize that life isn’t “fair”. We all have our own little crosses to bear and we all overcome and navigate through life in our own way. We each have our own special prescription bottle with “take these if you want to be healthy and not hurt yourself and others” pills. We take our medicine every day and we deal with it.
So with all that being said…you’ll hear me preach abundance and not tying yourself to one woman to the point of ignoring red flags. I still believe that 100%. If you see things that make you say “uh oh” repeatedly, you don’t walk away… you run. Listen to your gut. If you are repeatedly running into the same issues that means that your woman, with all of her baggage, has taken her hands off the wheel and you’re about to be ejected through the windshield and end up as a quadriplegic face down in a mud puddle. Broken people bring down and destroy all those around them if they have the chance.
Don’t give somebody repeated breaks just because they otherwise make you feel good. This is your life partner we’re talking about here. This woman is potentially the mother to your kids. If she repeatedly crosses the line into inappropriate or destructive behavior, you’re in for big time trouble. Recognize it and get out of the damn car.
If your woman slips up and says “Alright… that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’ll fix this” and she GENUINELY tries to fix it… and DOES fix it? Then bravo to her. You have a winner. She’s an adult and she saw shortcomings in herself and saw a way to improve. There’s nothing more admirable than that.
Unless of course she screwed some other dude… then it’s just over. Sorry guys.
Relationships are so full of bullshit.
We bring so much baggage, expectations and all around retardation to our personal relationships… there’s no wonder we have so much divorce, infidelity and secrecy going on. We construct worlds in our own mind that are NOT based in reality, but they keep anxiety at bay and fend off the “end of the relationship” demons for one more day.
It’s time we dispel with the ignorance, denial and all around shit-headedness… and drop some much-needed truth bombs. After my 40+ years on this planet, one failed marriage under my belt and countless chats with awesome people of both sexes, here are the truths as I see them. I’m sure some of these will piss you off.
TRUTH #1: No, women… You alone are NOT enough.
Here’s a common scenario: Woman catches her man jerking off to porn. Or, she sees porn on his phone/computer/ipad. Or she sees an ATM receipt from the strip club. Or she overhears him talking about that one hot girl at work. Her instant reaction is anger. How dare he?! How embarrassing for her! Then she shames him. A common phrase is “Am I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!” Short answer: No. You’re not.
I can bring up an infinite supply of pornography right now with a quick google search. It’s all FREE and available in seconds. Even with this infinite supply of FREE product at our disposal, people STILL buy porn… and 98% of those people that buy porn are MEN.
Conclusion: Men are horny. Men like women. Men like variety.
We are committed to you, so we need an outlet for this energy. Are you not in an open sexual relationship? Then he’s at least looking at and fantasizing about other women a great deal. There is absolutely positively nothing you can do about it. The best you can do is go along for the ride and use it to your advantage and watch porn and go to strip clubs with him (or whatever his sexual outlet might be). Being more open to his “kinks” puts that extra spice in your sex life. Not only does it add a little extra oomph to the relationship, it is also an acknowledgement that you understand his needs and desires as a guy, and as far as you’re concerned they are every bit as normal as eating and breathing. You are in no way threatened by something so natural. In fact, you love it.
With or without your approval, his sex drive will be there and it will find a way out.
Side note: Your reaction to his sexuality is a good barometer of the status of your romantic relationship. If you are disgusted or laugh at the idea of your man in sexual situations… you need to take a long hard look at your feelings towards him. Is he just a friend?
TRUTH #2: Looks matter.
Women – You spit out a couple kids and put on 40 lbs over the past 6 years… but you do a shit ton of work to keep the home in shape, you maintain a job and you’re a fantastic, nice, supportive and sweet bundle of awesomeness to your husband and kids. Sorry… it’s not enough. Lose the weight. He’s not in shape? Who cares. Get your shit in gear and hope that he follows. Your weight gain bothers him. The fact that you don’t want to stay sexy for him bothers him. Ironically, your weight gain helps enable the sloth-like behavior in him that you are so turned off by. Men just need ONE little excuse to be a lazy slob and they jump into that world with gusto. We are longing for a break. For a reason to justify the sirens of lazy sloth we hear so often. Don’t be that reason.
Are you dating? OH BOY do you need to lose weight. Yes, even though you’re overweight you will still get men to sleep with you. This isn’t a testimonial to your attractiveness, but rather to the rabid libido of men in general. The quality of men that you attract directly correlates to what you present to the world. We really don’t care about your career and level of education. We like nice women who look good and are interesting and have a good heart. That’s about it. The rest is fluff. Your looks are what get you noticed right away, so get in shape. Anyone telling your otherwise is lying to get into your way-too-big pants.
Men – Working hard and helping out around the house and wiping baby butts? Think that’s enough? Not by a long shot. Look good. Look sexy. Make your woman feel like she is lucky to have a dude like you. She doesn’t look good anymore? Who gives a shit. You take care of you. You’re the man in this relationship. Be the leader. Show her you mean business and you take this relationship seriously. It’s not just about money and kids… it’s also about the two of you and romance. Remember, if you don’t fulfill her needs, she WILL find somebody else that will.
Are you not married? Dating? Get in shape. Be the lover, not the provider. You don’t want a woman that pegs you as the paycheck right away. You want the woman who has a visceral sexual reaction to you. You want one that doesn’t know or care about what you do for a living, but rather that you are fun and interesting and sexy. If you’re a frumpy mess you only have PROVIDER status to fall back on, and that never ends well for men.
TRUTH #3: Women can rationalize anything.
It’s true that women need both that emotional and physical connection to make the leap into the bedroom. Their body may be ready to go, but their brain needs to play catch up. So, when a woman is caught in a physical affair outside of her monogamous relationship, that must mean that she has a deep emotional connection to the other man, right? Not necessarily. The bitter truth is that it doesn’t take much to get the gears spinning and have the woman rationalizing such poor behavior. Before you know it, your perfect gal is completely rewriting your past and painting you as a monster. Why? She had to to have sex with that one crazy ex-con guy from the gym that made her hoohah all tingly. That’s it. She can’t say “I fucked up. He was hot. You’re not. Sorry.” Female logic doesn’t work that way. She needs to create a story that paints her as the victim, or at the very least the woman who “had no choice” but to do what she did. She realizes she did a horrible thing that makes no logical sense.. so why not change reality so that it DOES make logical sense?! Problem solved.
Regardless of the creative narrative, the end result is the same: She slept with some other dude. She wanted it, she got it.
Us men are way more in tune with our visceral sexuality. We don’t need to rationalize the urge. It’s just there and it’s always there. We don’t see that same level of blunt, all-encompassing sex drive in women so we assume “Men are pigs… women are more wholesome and thoughtful.” The reality is that you just have to push her mental buttons in the right combination at the right time…and voila. Her depravity will make your crazy fantasy world look like something out of Sesame Street.
TRUTH #4 : Men are ranked, too.
Men have our typical ranking system of 1-10 to judge a woman’s physical attractiveness. “Dude… she’s a solid 8. She’d be a 9 if she had bigger boobs.” It’s juvenile and demeaning, but it happens.
What we don’t know is that human beings as a whole have a system for ranking a man’s value in society… and it’s a little more sinister than a simple 1-10.
Take the typical good ol’ comfy blob of a husband for example (most of you readers). He can be the sweetest man on the planet, the greatest dad, the greatest partner… but all that can get wiped out when they go to a dinner party where all of the other husbands there have better jobs than him. They all have titles like President, CEO and VP of Sales. He’s in middle management in a small company nobody heard of. He watches his wife’s body language change throughout the evening. She goes from bubbly to pensive and withdrawn. They finally get back home and he gets a “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. Finally after several days of moping and being distracted she opens up. “Maybe you should ask John if he has a position open in his company. Sally says he got a big bonus last month and they bought a condo in Florida with it.” There it is. She’s been preoccupied by the fact that other men in her social circle out-rank her own husband.
Yes, there’s a ranking system for men. A dominance hierarchy, if you go by terms we use for the animal kingdom. It’s a complex system that takes into account multiple factors to determine a male’s place in the mating scene. How likely is he to bang that attractive woman he wants so bad? How much do he and his wife have sex? Well, depends on his ranking.
Some common scenarios to demonstrate:
- Man X is married to Woman Y. He is a blue collar laborer by trade. His wife is way more educated (a scenario that is more common than not in today’s age) and she makes a great deal more money than he does. The knee jerk reaction by people she knows is “Interesting… what is she doing with a guy like that?” In other words, his lack of ability to provide for her financially what she can’t already provide for herself instantly knocks him down a few pegs on the male ranking system. There’s gotta be SOMETHING more to the story, otherwise it makes no sense. His provider status has been nullified. Then they meet him. “Oh… he’s a decent looking and strong dude who is charming, sweet, intelligent and confident. We get it now.” His personality and looks jump him up a few pegs on the scale. He’s a lover not a provider. Makes sense. All is right with this scenario again. The lower ranking males scatter and leave Woman Y alone. On to easier targets.
- Man A is married to woman B. He makes a great deal MORE money than she does as the VP of Finance for his company, but people say that “She wears the pants in the family.” When you see the two together, he folds up like a scared little boy and she has to drag him around to get him to socialize. Physically he is not imposing or impressive. He blends in with whatever furniture he stands next to. It’s not uncommon to hear her belittle him in front of mutual friends. She’s often heard pointing out his shortcomings. She is telling the audience “Your suspicions are right. This male is of lower status than me. Don’t let his money fool you. I’m open for business if anybody wants to take his place.” She is flirted with constantly. She flirts back. The males are circling. They see that they have a very real chance with her.
In our original scenario with the wife at the dinner party, the man in question had a much lower ranking than the other guys in attendance. Their ability to be better providers trumped all of his positive qualities. In that brief but shallow moment he went from “What a great husband” to “Is he REALLY such a great husband after all?” He has no other ammunition to combat this with. They make more money and provide more lavish lifestyles, but he has…. What? Looks? Charm? Confidence? None of the above? By bringing up his inability to provide in a way that is at least equal to the rest of the group, she is pointing out his deficiencies and reiterating his role as provider. “You’re a PROVIDER here, dipshit. Why the hell aren’t you better at it?!” They both know he’s not a lover…Just look at him. Therefore, his ranking depends on his paycheck. Yes, it’s that shallow and stupid.
TRUTH #5 : Kids can VERY easily ruin a romantic relationship.
As the relationship with your wife grows, you inevitably become more and more comfortable with each other. The anxiety and stress of “What if they find somebody better?!” starts to fade (and with it, her raging libido). The urgency to prove your worth takes a back seat to work and maintaining a home. The monotony of life takes hold. An then… you decide to have kids. Oh boy. Here comes the fun.
Kids suck. They suck money. They suck time. They suck energy. At the end of the day you are left exhausted and still running a million kid-related things through your head. Planning the day tomorrow. Thinking of all the ways you can can shake the last few remaining coins from your pocket to make their life a little easier.
If you allow it to happen, the kids can take you down a deep rabbit hole that many of us never come out of. You become another god damned parent. Every single thing in the universe comes second to that role… spouse included. Especially the spouse. This is more so the case for women. When that baby comes, everything changes. Her body and mind work in concert to keep her glued to that little creature for as long as possible. Everything else just fades to the background. Men all know this. We get it completely. She’s supposed to focus on the little person. She’s responsible for keeping them alive and well. It’s a lot of time and pressure on a woman. This is when the utilitarian nature of the man comes to the forefront. What can YOU do as a man to help with this new, awesome responsibility??
If the mere presence of the new human wasn’t enough, many women start questioning their long-term careers and professional goals at this point. The baby gives them a new life meaning and purpose. They may go part-time at work or drop their career all together. Then they look to the man to fill in the earning gaps. If he had any Lover points in his social ranking, they’ve just been wiped out… and he’s left with only his Provider role.
Many men feel the pressure of their new role and become resentful. They withdraw. Deep down they are jealous of the unconditional love and attention the new baby receives. So, they slide into their new 100% Provider role and never look back. Lover status is long gone in their mind. They wish it wasn’t gone… but what can they do? Go out and screw girls and risk ruining it all? Leave the wife and kid alone to do his own thing? He can’t. Society tells him he can’t. The new dad wipes butts, goes out to work, coaches soccer, takes girls to the mall, paints toenails, knows how to do a french braid… where’s the time for that old Lover stuff? None. There’s no time. Get back to work, Provider.
The cruel irony in all this is that with the pressure to become the slave… err… The Provider… his ranking slips further and further and further down. A ranking built solely upon Provider points is not sustainable. Something always has to give. This is where you hear guys saying “I haven’t had sex in 2 years” or “She won’t let me touch her anymore”. The romantic relationship is completely over at this point and the only hope the man has is to forcibly swing the pendulum back to Lover and hope for the best.
A little background on me… I do marketing work for companies. Mostly local small/mid-size businesses. I help them push their brand, look professional, and grow their business. I do a lot of creative design work, branding, photography, videography, social media… and website work. I’m the cost-effective and just-as-good alternative to going with a full ad agency. It’s basically just me and a young man helping me right now. I sometimes work in my pajamas from home. Yes, I have a good life.
When it comes to websites, I get the same question. Every time. Every single time.
“How can we be #1 in Google?”
In other words “I want the magic bullet that will propel my company’s website to the top of the list so that people looking for what I sell can very easily find me.”
So, here’s what I tell them:
“What you’re talking about, in part, is Search Engine Optimization. We need to construct your website in a way so that people will have no choice but to see you online and learn more about you.”
*client nods emphatically*
“Okay, here’s what we have to do. It’s not easy, and I will need your help on this. We have to add good, real content to the website. We need to update it often. We need to create separate pages for each product line. Separate pages for each of your branch locations. Photos of products. Photos of your staff. PDF’s people can download so they have the detailed info they need about your products and services. You have to be the undeniable go-to resource of information for your industry.
We will work with you to create the right content. We will do the work behind the scenes to make sure everything is programmed correctly and that Google can see what it needs to see. This is the nuts and bolts of SEO work.
In addition, we also need to work on your social media presence. Your prospects and clients are there, and you need to be there too. You will provide links and references that go back to your website. Google likes that. You are creating the connections in the ‘web’. We need to create a Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn accounts. Instagram and Snapchat may also be helpful. All of these sites should be reflective of each other. If we’re pushing XYZ widgets this month, ALL of your sites showcase XYZ widgets. There should be no doubt that you have a special on XYZ widgets going on.
We also need to create videos and post them on Youtube. Video is, in my opinion, the best way to convey an idea in a relatively short amount of time. A one minute video can cover A LOT of ground, and if done right, can make you guys look like a million bucks. We will then link to those videos on all of the social media sites. We will embed those videos right on your website as well. The videos will reference your website.
We also need to work with your vendors to see if they will be kind enough to post the link to your website on their own sites.We can also post press releases out that that have links to your site. These may get picked up by the news sites… and they will in turn give links to your site. Google loves that. Again, we’re creating the connections in the web. That’s what the internet is all about.
When all that is done, you will most definitely be higher up on the Google results than you were before… but I can’t guarantee you will be #1 on the list. After all that is done, somebody out there may be just a LITTLE better than you. What I can guarantee is that somebody will find you and you will be better off than you were before. It just takes time and patience and you will see the rewards.”
At this point I get one of two replies:
- “Awesome. Let’s get rolling. What do you need from us?”
- “Well… we had a group come in that told us we could pay $700/month and they would make us #1 in Google..”
Can you guess which group is successful?
#1 recognizes the hard work involved, likes the idea of seeing their company out there and getting recognition, and is willing to do what it takes to get the work done and reap the rewards of a few extra clients. They are also more likely to trust me to get the work done and help out however they can. Their success will snowball and they will be a client for a long time
#2… They just want a quick fix. All of that stuff sounds daunting and they’re not sure they trust me 100% to get it done. Somebody already told them that it shouldn’t be work on their part… they should just pay $700/month and they will get them leads. What they don’t know is that the company will just put up Google ads, get some mediocre leads, and move on to the next sucker after milking them for a few grand. The scammy SEO firm will start doing work but also send the client emails saying things like “You guys should also create a Facebook page. That will help.” Client gets pissed that they have to do something. They thought $700 would take care of it all. They then come to me for help.
The game of sexual attraction is very similar. I call it SEO: “Sexual Energy Optimization”. You want your partner to be in a frenzied sexual state. You want them to WANT you. You want to see that spark in their eye. That desire. That “I just can’t help it” lustful gaze. You want her to grab you by the hand and take you in the back room and blow you.
You want to be #1 search result when they type in “Guys I really want to fuck.”
You don’t want pity sex. You don’t want excuses. You don’t want another “Not tonight, baby. I’m sorry.”
If you’re like most, you just don’t wanna do the work. In fact, you’re in denial that work is even necessary.
Instead of alt-tags and content, your SEO work should be fitness and health. Mental and physical. It should be a healthy combination of the “shallow” physicality and the deeper programming of abundance mentality and independence. It should be an acceptance of knowing that even if you do everything right, you still may not be #1… and that’s ok. You’ve constructed a great presence. Others will find you and are ready to buy.
Let this be hammered into your head: She cannot help that she is not sexually attracted to you. She can’t. It is not a decision. Sexual attraction is not negotiable.
It’s like getting mad at somebody for not finding your site. “How come you didn’t click on my site when you did your search?!!” — “Ummm… you weren’t on page one of results. I never go past page one.”
The physical act of sex is a decision, yes… but that visceral drive and feeling is not. It’s there, or it isn’t. It’s the difference between starfish “Just hurry up so we can watch Game of Thrones” sex and “Did we really do it for three hours!?” sex. You know it when it happens.
So many people buy into the magic of sexual attraction. That “spark” is just there with this certain guy, and they just don’t know why! They want to love their perfect little angel of a sweet husband/boyfriend… but why are they thinking about fucking that asshole from work all the time!?
It’s not magic. It’s not some little certain super secret undefinable quality… it’s a combination of things. It’s pushing buttons and needs in the right combination. It’s doing a lot of little things. It’s becoming undeniable. It’s being ok with not being everything to everybody. She doesn’t want to fuck you? Cool. Not a big deal.
Here’s a common scenario. Let’s look at two different ways it can play out:
Woman standing in kitchen cooking. Husband walks up behind and puts his arms around her waist. Kisses the back of her neck. She winces. “Babe… I’m trying to get this done quickly. We have to be out the door in 30 minutes for the PTA meeting. Not right now.”
Reaction #1: Husband – “Sigh… whatever.” *He starts slamming things around in the kitchen. Stomps off mumbling something. Very obviously pissed.* Wife chases after him. “You know… you’re a real asshole sometimes. Don’t you see what I’m trying to do?! I don’t see YOU doing the cooking! It’s not like I can just get turned on and do whatever, whenever you want! Stop being a baby!”
He’s furious. He escapes to the basement to look at porn. “Can’t she just fucking ACT like a loving wife for once?! Fucking Christ.” He will probably pout and fume for a while. He will try again later with more forceful touching. She will once again roll her eyes and shame him for trying. She may even get physical and push him away or hit him. She is now officially repulsed.
Reaction #2: “Okay, baby. Mmmm… Those potatoes smells good.” Then he smacks her on the butt and goes away.
Reaction #2 says “I am not a slave to your emotional response to my physical advances. If you don’t want to do anything or don’t feel like it right now… that’s perfectly fine! No pouting. No anger here. Your libido and response is not my responsibility. I’m happy and sexy and awesome either way. I got shit to do… so see you later, sexy pants!”
The breakdown of reaction #1: Man wants woman. Woman says no. Man gets pissed because, gosh darnit, she doesn’t like him like she’s supposed to like him in that moment. He has NEEDS, dammit! She’s SUPPOSED to like him at all times. He had a vision in his mind of how that little kitchen groping scenario was supposed to work out, and she didn’t play her part appropriately (an example of a Covert Contract).
She really wasn’t feeling sexy in that moment right then and there. She hasn’t felt sexy in a while, actually. She has come to accept his needy ways and it’s a giant turnoff. She wants to NEED HIM, but she doesn’t… and that’s bothersome to her. Must she remind him every day of his inability to turn her on? Why doesn’t he get it? Why does he put her in that position? Just give her some damn space. Oh great… he’s pouting again. Awesome. What a fucking baby.
The breakdown of reaction #2: Man wants woman. Woman says no. He’s cool with that. Gives her a pat on the butt to assure he that he’s confident and all is well. He goes away.
Her mind at that moment: “Sigh… I kinda feel bad for that… but I have to cook this food right now. We’re running late. Hehe… little stinker spanked my butt. Jerk face. Where’d he go? Is he mad? He never gets mad when I turn him down. Why is that? I’ve only seen him mad like twice since I’ve known him. Does he just not care? No, he loves me. He says it all the time. I love him so much. Shirley at work said I’m lucky to have a guy like him. She’s pretty. Her boobs are awesome. Wish I had those. But my butt is better for sure. I showed her that picture of him at the beach and she told everyone about it. I wonder if she would do him? Probably. I think a lot of girls would. Would he do her? Not sure. Why does the thought of that turn me on? LOL. I’m such a perv sometimes. Wait, does that mean he has affairs? Oh god.. he did go away on that trip that one time and didn’t respond to my texts for two hours. This is how Sally said her husband left her! Oh man… where is he?? Did he leave the house? Oh shit, the potatoes are burning.”
Take scenario #1- What happens if husband walks in a second time, pushes her up on the kitchen counter and plants a fat kiss on her? I would think a very strong “WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE TELLING YOU?!” would happen. She feels assaulted.
Scenario #2? She’d probably not stop smiling for the rest of the evening.
This relationship thing… it’s a game. Stop acting like you don’t have to play it. Stop acting like you don’t have to play by the rules and put in hard work… just because.
Do the SEO work. Most of the work is attitude. The attitude comes naturally if you truly ARE the kinda guy who can get sex if/when he wants from who he wants. Women can smell it. Just as much as they can smell neediness.
If you do the hard work and you’re STILL not #1 in her search results… that sucks…but no worries. Got other shit and other people to do. The ironic part is that with that “abundance” attitude, you are less likely to have to use it.
A different little spin on things… some general relationship advice from me to the ladies.
1. Empathize more. It’s not always about you. Put yourself in his shoes. For those of you saying “Well yeah, duh!”… you’d be surprised how many women just flat out do not know how to empathize with the day-to-day life of their man. They get caught up in kids, work, the house, etc.. they don’t stop to say “I wonder what my man is feeling now…” This was illustrated perfectly by an article that recently went viral:
Summary: Wife is resentful and pouting that she never gets to see her hubby. Then she does the laundry and notices that he has clothes worn from hard work. “OMG… he works for our family! Maybe I should be nice to him!?” Millions of women read this and said “Huh… I guess he does work hard for US. Whoa. I never thought of it like that.” The same number of men face-palmed so hard they got a concussion.
Ladies… your man loves you and respects you, otherwise he wouldn’t work so hard FOR you and the family. It’s not rocket science.
2. Realize that he has a libido you can’t comprehend. Big assumption I’m making here: he’s a healthy male. Hormones in line like they should be. He’s in shape. Sorta. If so… he’s beyond horny.
YES, HE WANTS TO FUCK OTHER WOMEN. A LOT OF THEM. ALL THE TIME. That drive is always there.
NO, THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU OR WILL BE UNFAITHFUL TO YOU.
YES, HE PROBABLY LOOKS AT PORN.
NO, THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU OR HAS NO INTEREST IN YOU, SEXUALLY.
Embrace his sexual drive. Use it to your advantage. Play with him. Tease him. Remind him what an awesome thing he has at home. Remind him how much he turns you on.
Is he attractive? In good shape? Nice personality? Women are flirting with him. So what? You are the prize. Keep yourself in shape, keep yourself sexy, realize he’s a male human… love him for it.
Novel idea time: You know how when you are out at the mall with your man and you notice he’s eyeballing some young girl’s butt? What do you do? Elbow him and tell him to knock it off? Get angry and call him a perv? Remind him that’s he’s older than her and that’s creepy? How about saying this instead: “Oh, she is sexy. I can see why you’re looking. I like her. Maybe a little too skinny… but I’d do her for sure.” If you did this you would go from typical wife to BEST WIFE ON THE PLANET.
Men look at women ALL the time. It’s no different than looking at the pretty sunset. You just HAVE to look. So why not take that innocuous moment and flip it and show him that you’re not threatened, you’re secure in your sexuality and remind him of just how lucky he is to have a woman like you as his wife/girlfriend? Remember, even if you elbow him, shame him, or get angry at him… he’s still going to look. In fact, he’ll probably look next time with an additional thought in his mind: “OMG… that chick is hot. Not like my wife. My wife is a bitch.” Instead turn that into “OMG… that chick is hot. But she’s not my wife. God damn I’m lucky.”
If you are shaming your man or trying to keep his sexual urges focused SOLELY on you, you are accomplishing the opposite. You are playing an unrealistic game with a very predictable outcome. You will just knock yourselves down a few dozen notches on the attraction scale and everyone else will be further above you. Bad move, sister.
3. Stop putting yourself down. “I feel fat. I’m gross. Ugh… I hate my belly. God… look at these thighs.” Fucking stop it already. What do you want? Sympathy? Want us to lie and say “What?! Belly?! It’s as flat as can be! You have a six pack!” Yeah, we probably notice your body change, too. Our bodies aren’t perfect, either. We get it. We’re human. We don’t want perfection. We also don’t want to hear you bitch and draw attention to your faults. At the most, we want to hear “I need to watch what I eat and go workout tonight.. gotta keep sexy for my man.” When we start to hear repeated references to your faults, we will eventually either just agree with you or say “So, shut up and do something about it already.” It’s like your husband repeatedly coming home and complaining about his job. Shut up and get a new job or make the best out of what you have.
4. Don’t let your job define you. We don’t care about your career. We really don’t. I mean.. We will certainly be interested in and learn all we can about your job, as your partner in life… We’re not total assholes about it… but it has zero bearing on our attraction and intimate bond with you. You could quit and be a stay-at-home mom and we’d still think you’re every bit as awesome and sexy (please note: that would mean a big decrease in take-home pay, which would mean you would have to cut down on your spending… yeah, didn’t think you’d go for that).
Don’t think taking that promotion will help out the marriage. You’re thinking with woman feelings. We know that us men getting pay raises and more responsibility makes us more attractive to you. We get it. It doesn’t work that way in the other direction.
I just recently met a couple. Both attractive. He in his 40’s, her in her 20’s. He was divorced. His wife divorced him because she made more than him and couldn’t respect him… and that filtered down into everything about their relationship. He has been with his current girlfriend for 3 years and says that he will never be with a woman his age or a woman that has a career ever again. Now, my knee-jerk socially aware and sympathetic response would be to say “What?! But you’re missing out on a lot of potentially good women out there!” But… in reality… I get it. I’m with my woman not because of her career, but in spite of her career. She’s with me not because I’m older and bald, but in spite of that. That’s okay.. that’s human nature.
We look at you as a feminine, sexy and wonderful oasis away from our hard and stressful lives. We love your smile. Your playfulness. Your beauty. Your sexy ways. Being VP of Sales puts you on the level of our friend Bob. We don’t want to fuck Bob. It’s not that we’re THREATENED by your success (I always cringe reading that)… it’s just that it does nothing for us. It just adds stress to your life, takes you further away from the “oasis” we want, and makes you more like, well… Bob. Yuck.
So, go for that job! Seriously… if it fills a void, go for it. If you like the challenge, awesome. Do it, sister! But don’t think we get anything out of it. We don’t. We just ask that you keep what made us fall in love with you.