Ok… you’re in a familiar predicament. You want your wife, sexually. Sure, she doesn’t look like she used to. Sure, she nags you. Sure, she seems to be upset with life more often than not. But, dammit… she’s your wife. You love her. You gave your word to her and the people at the wedding ceremony that you would make this work no matter what. Plus, you’re a man and you have needs.
Problem: She doesn’t really seem to care much for you and has stopped wanting to have anything resembling a normal sex life with you. Attempts at opening up and communicating with her have actually made things worse. As I stated in Dissecting Dead Bedrooms, she’s just not that into you anymore. She’s given you lots of signals and tests over the years, and you have failed miserably. You’re now paying the price.
So, what to do? Well, it’s a problem and a solution as old as time. It’s simpler and cheaper than countless marriage counselor sessions. Easier than non-stop talking and communicating (you’ve undoubtedly tried this in the form of one or two real adult conversation attempts and a lot of begging, pouting and whining). Cheaper than flowers and chocolates. The solution: You just don’t give a fuck and go do something else. That something else is BETTERING YOURSELF.
That’s it. If you were just dating, you would say “NEXT!” to her and move on. But, you’re married. You gave your vows. You’re a man and you stick to your word. You don’t cheat. You don’t berate her. No whining. No pouting. No begging. You just… go away. Mentally and physically.
Where do you go?
- To the gym. You work your ASS off. You hit the weights. REALLY hit the weights. You go play sports with the kids. You go for a vigorous jog. You become a physical being like you hopefully were when you were younger.
- To the doctor. Get a full blood panel. Lipids. Hormones. Total and free testosterone. Sensitive Estradiol test. You can actually skip the doc for this and pay out of pocket by paying for the test ahead of time on sites like privatemdlabs.com, and then taking your paperwork to any qualifying lab to get the blood drawn. You get the results later via email. Very quick and easy process. If you see that testosterone is in the low range, and/or estrogen is high… go online and search for a testosterone clinic in your area. Regular family MD’s tend to not know anything about hormone therapy. Endocrinologists tend to only prescribe if it’s a matter of life or death. Get your levels to a high-normal and healthy level and enjoy the numerous benefits. I personally go to Body Shapes Medical.
- To the library. Read up on self-improvement.
- To the internet. Read blogs like this!
- To the clothing store! Read up on male fashion. New body means new clothes. Look better. Look like you give a shit… unlike 90% of American males today.
- Hang out with guys more. Less time with ladies and more time with dudes is a good thing.
- Hang out with your kids more. More one-on-one time. They’ll love to see the new you doing awesome things. You’ll get closer than ever to them.
- Hobbies. Get to know them again. I like to play a little guitar and maintain this website. I also like photography and videography a great deal.
Notice what’s missing above? Your wife.
You’re not giving her flowers. You’re not sending her love notes. You’re not doing more chores around the house. You don’t reward her for being so obvious with her dislike of you. You’ve tried all of that. You’re also not being an asshole. You just have a mission and that mission is YOU. It’s been neglected for too long. She SHOULD understand that… she’s been about HER for a while now, right?
But, don’t think it will be easy.
Oh boy will she be pissed. People get pissed when they don’t have their whipping boy around any more. You had your place in the household hierarchy. She had hers. You have just flip-flopped things in a BIG way and she does not like it.
At first she may laugh at the change… “Oh, look at him. Acting all manly and going to the gym. Cute.” She may even call you out at this point. “What is this, a mid-life crisis? What’s next… a red Corvette?” You just laugh and go about your business. Maybe you give her a pat on the butt every now and then. You are NOT bothered by her manipulative ways. You don’t CARE that she finds it funny.
Then, you’re hit the slightly angry stage. “Seriously, what’s going on here? Is this going to go on forever? You’re being silly.” If she keeps pressing, you just say “Just working on myself. Long overdue, baby.”
The next stage will come quick. “Are you having a fucking affair?!” NOW you’re making progress. What this means: “You’re now looking and acting good enough for other women to find you attractive and I am worried.” This is awesome. This is where a lot of guys might fold and start explaining away everything until they look meek and stupid in their wife’s eyes. You can just smile and say “Why? Worried?” and give her a fat kiss and hard ass squeeze. Leave her wondering what the hell that was all about. Or, exaggerate: “Yep. Fucking about 5 new women a day. All young. 18 year olds. Porn stars. I fly them in on my downtime… between the kids, the gym, work, my hobbies and home time.”
Just remember: You’re doing NOTHING wrong. You’re NOT having an affair. You are just simply working on yourself. A healthy relationship would mean that your spouse would appreciate and support such changes. Maybe they get a little worried… but not angry and accusing you of wrongdoing. Her reaction is a good barometer of where your marriage is right now.
Next stage: S-E-X. Yep. This is your eureka moment. One day, you may come home to a VERY horny wife. You’ll go upstairs and you are SHOCKED by what you see waiting in the bedroom. “This is my wife?!” You have created the perfect storm of a more physically attractive man (the gym and clothes), a more interesting man (the reading and hobbies), a more social man (the friends), and a great dad (more time with kids).
You are also SCARCE. People want what they can’t have! She’s worried like hell now!
Women LOVE to know that you may be out there and wanted by other women! “He is wanted by all of THEM, but he picked ME.”
But, alas… there’s a rub. There’s always a rub.
You’ve worked so hard to get to this point. It was a lot of personal effort and sacrifice. You finally reach the promised land… and you’re not sure you like it anymore. Dammit. One of two things is going on:
- You don’t find her as attractive as you used to. Your standards just went WAY up. You really ARE attractive to a lot more women now. That young gal at the coffee shop is only 21 and she asked if you’d like to stick around during her lunch break and talk. An attractive single mom from the PTO meeting randomly squeezed your bicep and said “Nice, Hercules!” Some random young woman texted you a series of sexual messages and photos out of the blue. Your wife has never looked as good as her.
- You now resent your wife. You spent the last X years of your marriage getting the occasional pity sex out of her. You feel like you just had to jump through a lot of hoops to get to this point so that she can reward YOU with sex. Who the hell is she to make me do all of this to win HER? I stuck around with HER all of these years despite all of HER negatives and always loved and wanted HER. She knew how I felt about her but SHE DIDN’T CARE. I have to check off a list of her NEEDS so that she can fulfill one of mine?
It’s tough. This is the rub. You work so hard to get to this point… and now you don’t want her… and she wants you more than ever. It’s a story as old as time and perfectly explained in this clip from the awesome buddy movie, Swingers.
My advice? You’re married. You have kids. You work it out. You let her know how things are going to be from here on out. You enjoy the spoils of war. You lead by example and watch her follow. You NEVER get comfortable and take your foot off the gas.
Welcome to being a MAN.
P.S. Yes… I realize there is another option in all of this: You do all then positive work and she still doesn’t want you. That sucks. But… here’s the good news. You have created the best, most attractive version of you available… and there are HUNDREDS of women near you that would be willing to enjoy your company and take pleasure in pleasing YOU.