Ultimate Reponsibility

Not sure if it’s because of the holidays, but requests for my one-on-one coaching have gone up. Email frequency is up. This is almost becoming another full-time job. I’m not complaining! Hey, this is what I wanted and now I got it. Thanks to all of you for trusting me and sharing your stories. I really appreciate it.

As I’ve said before, I always see patterns in these conversations with readers. The stories… wow, they are all the same. As I’ve said so many times on this site, people are just so damn predictable. Most of the guys I talk to are convinced that their situations are so special and unique… and I can sometimes finish their sentences for them.

Me: “Yeah, and she said she loves you but she’s not IN LOVE with you, she’s always on her phone, she stays out later, and she’s acting younger and crazier… right?”

Dude: “Sigh… yeah. Exactly.”

Well, this post is not going to be another “All women are the same article that you’ve probably read in some form or another on countless other forums and websites. No, this here article is about YOU. More specifically, it’s about YOU taking responsibility for your current situation. It’s about YOU turning that finger around and pointing it at your own damn self. It’s about YOU realizing that the planet didn’t conspire to make your life such a shit show that it is right now. No, what you’re experiencing is a culmination of the little eroneous decisions you have made over the years, and a little bit of bad luck to go with it.

Allow me to illustrate via a typical conversation with a reader.

Dude: “It was just like you said on your site. I did everything I thought was right in the relationship. I was a really good husband and dad. Now she’s acting completely crazy. She accused me of raping her. She’s taken the kids away. She’s telling everyone that I hurt her. She took all the money out of our account. She’s sleeping with some loser guy who got out of prison last month for drugs. Why is she doing this?! My brother went through something just like this with his ex-wife. God, all women are just completely crazy. Have you ever heard of MGTOW?”

Me: “Well, let’s back up here a minute. We’re getting way ahead of ourselves. Tell me about her life. What was her family like?”

Dude: “Oh, it was bad. Hermom cheated on her dad. Her dad killed himself. Her mom married three times. One of the step-dads abused her. My wife ran away when she was 14. She did drugs. Prostitution. She had a kid when she was 19. Then she turned herself around and became a registered nurse. That’s when I met her. I was a patient of hers.”

Me: “Wow. That’s some story. So, tell me about your dating. How long before you married?”

Dude: “We dated for about two months and then I moved her and her daughter in with me. We got married about two months after that.”

Me: Sigh…

For those of you with no experience in this world of mine, this may sound like an outlandish scenario.  It’s insanely common. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some variation of this story. These men are the biggest saviors in their own minds. They hide behind the wall of “doing what is right for the marriage”, holding their head high as they see the “real person” underneath the facade of awfulness that the rest of the world sees. “I brought her in when nobody else would”, I often hear. “I didn’t hold her past against her. I was proud of her for what she had become.” The myth that anyone and everyone is right for a long-term monogamous relationship strikes again.  Real love ain’t for everyone, as our hero learns in the hardest way possible.

Truth: Not everyone is worth saving. Not everyone really wants to be saved. That’s a tough thing for a lot of guys to come to grips with. So many men I talk to fall under the category of “severely codependent”. Codependency is nothing new, but when combined with the blind lustfulness of a testosterone-fueled male, it’s deadly.  She’s a broken and misunderstood woman who also happens to be extremely physically attractive and a porn star in bed? Oh, then he’ll roll out the red carpet for her. He’ll put up with the worst of the worst behavior for just a chance to drink from the fountain that is his “dream woman” again. He got a taste of the high only a hyper-sexual and “crazy” woman can provide… and he doesn’t ever want to go back. You know what they say. “Crazy in head, crazy in bed.” 

These broken women eventually push and push away these “good” men from their lives. They don’t just stop there. They do all they can to hurt them, too. I’ve heard it all. From accusing them of rape, child molestation, stealing money, physical assault, lying to friends, getting friends to hurt the husband, sleeping with countless men, etc… nothing, it seems, it off the table when the mental switch is flipped and the broken wife’s brain decides, “We no longer desire or need this male. Make him go away.”

Then, in typical borderline fashion, she wants back in. The man, in his equally broken frame of mind, caves in. The process repeats. It gets exponentially worse, actually.

Then, once he hits rock bottom, the man has the audacity to point the finger back at society. He’ll blame politicians. He’ll blame the female-centric court system. He’ll claim that all women are like his broken wife. He’ll become very melodramatic in his proclamations of victimhood. If you get him alone for five minutes, he’ll let you know how the world is conspiring against him.

He rarely, if ever, points the finger at himself.

Ironically, these are the same guys who fall RIGHT AWAY for another woman. “Oh no… this one is different. She loves me unconditionally. I’ve never felt this way before.”  They are also very quiet about the circumstances of the new relationship. Later, I’ll learn that she is a mirror image of the ex. The outer shell may be night and day different, but the inner-workings are the same broken computer with the same erroneous code stuck in the same negative feedback loop of destruction and chaos.

With these men, it takes everything I have to not say, “Okay, let’s go ahead and pencil you in for another chat one year from now. We’ll call it the ‘I’m ready to work on myself for once, post divorce #2’ meeting. Sound good?”

Instead I smile and wish them the best.

Not everyone wants help or is capable of receiving it, and that goes for some of you, as well.  Are you so caught up in your current victimhood that you can’t see the obvious right in the mirror?

I’m also looking at you guys in dead bedrooms. There’s a theme of resentment and anger that I can see festering and growing amongst men online who have been hurt. This seems to permeate all facets of men and their experiences in relationships, dead bedrooms included.

  • Man marries awful broken woman, has kids, and is later cheated on and treated like dirt. “This crazy awful bitch is ruining me. Why is she doing this?!”
  • Man is stuck in a sexless marriage with a woman who lost attraction years ago. “Why won’t she just compromise and show me validation and love! That’s what you DO in a marriage! It’s a two-way street, you know!”

Both scenarios are completely skipping over the important initial step of ultimate responsibility. YOU can only control YOU. That is both a comforting and hurtful proposition. “Wait… it was MY fault for marrying that woman?” Yep. Nobody held a gun to your head. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move on. “Wait, she is not attracted to me, and it may be because I’ve not been an attractive partner?” Yep. You probably dropped the ball somewhere along the line. Her affection and sexual arousal aren’t unconditional. Nor should yours be.

The reason so many men put up with this level of awfulness and allow it to get to the point of no-return is simple: Deep down they have no self-worth. They can hide behind their victimhood and point the finger at the crazy  or “low libido” wife sitting across from them, or they can point the finger at themselves… and start the very uncomfortable and extremely difficult task of coming to grips with their own shortcomings. This path is REALLY REALLY tough to go down, but, like all things in life, it’s ultimately the most rewarding.

What do these men fear the most? The task of facing ultimate responsibility will lead them to a crossroad in life. A man who takes ultimate responsibility and does the hard work of looking inward will realize his value… and that may mean walking away from bad situations. That may mean being ALONE. That is terrifying to a lot of men, especially if it means they have to play the part of the “asshole” temporarily.  Ultimately, it’s the healthier option… but many can’t see past their own deep-seated inadequacies. It’s one thing to say, “I value myself and want to be a better man”, it’s another to say “No” to the comfort that a relationship can bring, even if it’s abusive and filled with dread.

A man who truly gets his shit in order and works on himself enters the relationship world in a completely different way. It’s a TOTALLY different environment that he sees around him. The light gets turned on. Suddenly he’s turning away more women than he is agreeing to meet for coffee. Suddenly he’s not so emotionally hurt when his wife says, “I don’t feel like it tonight.” Suddenly he sees the value he brings to that part of his life. Suddenly he GETS IT. Then, magically, a whole giant set of problems are wiped completely from the table… because he was the one to put those problems there in the first place.

Funny how that works.