“My Wife Wants An Open Marriage”

More and more I’m seeing the topic of “Open Marriages” come up from men online. Unlike what many people may think, it’s not the men making the case for sleeping with other women, but rather husbands caught off guard by what they thought was a seemingly happy wife pushing them to “allow” her to have sex with other men. “Hey,” the wife explains, “You can have sex with other women now, too!”

The man is confused, scared, angry… and yet… intrigued.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s dive into the nitty gritty of this alternative lifestyle choice and why it is now so much out in the open and what it means for YOU.

The concept of an “open” marriage is not a new one. Two people being together in marriage but open to sex with others has been around (but kpt hush-hush) since… well… forever. It wasn’t until the 1972 book Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples came out that a how-to guide for these adventuresome couples was created and the concept further thrusted into popular culture. This was in the midst of a huge sexual revolution in America… the 60’s and 70’s. The baby boomers were challenging, well… everything. If it was “normal” it was “a drag”. Is there an institution that is more “normal” than good old-fashioned marriage?

Let’s not confuse people in open marriages with swingers. Unlike swingers, open marriage couples have fun without the other partner. Swingers go to parties together and possibly have sex with others in front of their partner. People in an open marriage go out and have dates and casual sex without the presence of the marriage partner.

What do the two have in common? Both are very strict about one rule: “We are married. We are partners. We are primarily with each other. Doing things with others is just sex. It’s just fun. That’s it. Our communication is always open and we do everything to avoid the complications of becoming attached to others outside of our marriage.”

As with most things in life, it ain’t that easy. This is especially true when sex is involved.

With the 1980’s came the Reagan era and AIDS. The party was over. Studio 54 emptied out, the bathhouses closed up shop and the sexually adventurous all got scared and went home. People they loved were dying and relationships were falling apart left and right. Hey… maybe boring monogamous marriage is ok after all? Seems to be a lot less trouble, at least.

The authors of Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, reassessed things and came out with the follow-up book called The Marriage Premise. They conducted follow-up interviews with couples they spotlighted in their first book… and it wasn’t pretty. Most of the couples were not honest with each other about their extramarital affairs (so much for open communication and not getting feelings involved), and as a consequence, most of the marriages did not survive. The authors were upset that so many people took the concept of “open marriage” and defined it as “go out and have sex with whoever, there are no consequences”. They saw the concept more as “be individuals that have experiences outside of the marriage… oh, and that might mean sex with others, too.” Understandably, everyone saw “SEX WITH OTHERS” and went hog wild.

Wow. Who saw that coming?

Fast forward to today, and the social climate has changed dramatically since the 70’s. Women are more powerful than ever. They are the majority of our university students, they occupy high levels in the corporate world and they have stay-at-home husbands that take care of their kids.

With all these changes comes dramatic shifts in our relationship dynamics.

Many men point at times like the 1950’s as the Shangri la of marriage past. The man works and the wife stays home and cares for the kids. Divorce rates were much lower. Everything just clicked into place. What they fail to mention is that women weren’t necessarily happy with the situation, but the social pressure and lack of financial options may have left them trapped in unfulfilling marriages. She could divorce and be a broke social pariah… or stick it out and raise a family and try to enjoy life.

Both the social and the economic barriers to divorce have been broken down. Women now file for 70% of all divorces… even higher if she is college-educated.

Today we have a pervasive theme that has both good and bad repercussions. That theme is a deadly combo of “you go girl” and “you deserve it all”. When society tells you that your nagging feelings of doubt and unfulfillment are not only legitimate but can and SHOULD also be acted upon… well, that can be a recipe for disaster for the unsuspecting husband.

To summarize: We’re seeing a rise in women telling their husbands: “I would like to go out and test the waters to see what else is out there… but I don’t want to blow up this comfortable marriage we have going on here. At least, not until I know I have a for sure thing lined up. Cool?” In the past, this would result in a one-way ticket to DivorceTown, USA and a lifetime of social shame and financial struggle.

Today, it’s an empowering statement and realization of her own sexuality.

I did a search for “Open Marriage” and saw article after article that came up with the same basic conclusion:

“You know… maybe an open marriage isn’t such a bad idea.”

Is the cultural zeitgeist shifting? Is society overall more open and accepting of relationships that fall outside of the monogamous template we’ve known all these generations?

No. Actually, if the General Social Survey is to be believed, people today are more intolerant of sexual relationships outside of marriage than they were back in the free and sexy 70’s.

These articles weren’t based on research of hundreds of couple interviews with thousands of data points to digest. No, they stopped at, “She felt trapped, she wanted something more, she heard about open marriage and wanted to try it… and that’s ok.”  To say that Sally’s thoughts and feeling MAY NOT be 100% A-OK and could actually be destructive to the relationship would go against the much larger and more inclusive/progressive theme of “Anything goes… no judging here… be free.” In other words, telling Sally “Well, that’s a stupid thing to ask. Perhaps you’re just not cut out for marriage.” results in being labeled an oppressive misogynist.

Maybe we’re jumping the gun here and assuming the worst. These are genuine feelings that Sally and thousands of other women like her are experiencing on a regular basis. Maybe the strict confines of a traditional marriage are too much to bear. Hey, men always want to sleep around, right? They like porn and strip clubs and other outlets for their sexuality. That’s the equivalent of cheating in many women’s eyes. Maybe it’s time women tried out a more sexually free lifestyle. Life is short. Why be miserable?

Maybe your wife has genuine sexual desire that she feels can’t be confined to your one-on-one relationship. Maybe THAT’s why your sex life is so dull. Maybe she just feels trapped. Maybe she absolutely still loves you and her sleeping around will go on for years and years and you two will continue to grow closer and closer emotionally and live happily ever after.

It’s possible, sure.

I’ve never seen it play out like that.

In fact, based on what I have seen again and again, I feel confident enough to say:

A wife asking for an open marriage signals the beginning of the end of the marriage. She’s breaking up with you.

The wife is so confident in her ability to dictate the rules of the relationship (she lost respect for you long ago), that she tells you she wants to have sex with other men but still keep you around for the other non-sexual resources she needs.

She is bluntly telling you, You are a great Provider, but I need more Lover. Don’t go anywhere. Not yet, anyway. I need you for all that non-Lover stuff right now.”

I can’t think of anything more hurtful to a man, to be honest. Your wife is, in essence, leaving the romantic relationship… and telling you to put your feelings on hold right now while she figures things out.

Why is she doing this?

More than likely, this means that another relationship candidate has already been lined up. She would normally just have an affair behind your back… but that can get messy. This absolves her of any guilt or shame. It also keeps the logistics of her life in order until she can figure things out.

The wife is not stupid. She knows that asking “Can I sleep around?” will probably be met with “Are you out of your god damned mind?” So, she says what all women in this position say:

“You know, you can have sex with other women, too!”

Before she can finish the sentence, the dumb husband is already fantasizing about that one girl at the gym, that one cashier at the grocery store and that chick that smiled at him that one time at his kid’s basketball game.

Men can be so delusional.

He envisions a buffet of hot women at his disposal. A veritable conga line of hoohah ready for him to sample whenever he likes. This will be the sex life he has always fantasized about! It’ll be just like porn!

But, wait… that means his wife has sex with other men. That’s not good. Oh well… he can deal with that jealousy when it comes. The buffet awaits. This will be amazing.

TRUTH: THE FANTASY RARELY, IF EVER, PANS OUT FOR THE MAN.

You and your wife are living in two completely different worlds. Even if you look amazing, you’re charming, you talk a great game and have lots of cash to use on your dates… your success in dating will pale in comparison to your wife’s.

She’s going to get laid. A lot. You will not. It’s just that simple.

If you were the type of guy that could go out and get laid so easily, your wife probably wouldn’t be asking for an open marriage.

Fast forward to six months after you agree to the new arrangement, and you have a grand total of one woman that you had a series of dates with and one awful night of sex. It probably turned you off from the whole idea completely, but you don’t dare tell the wife. You innately know that your lack of success in dating will paint you as a lower status than her. That will be extremely unattractive.

Your wife, on the other hand, had many steamy nights of sex with the one guy she had already begun a relationship with. That didn’t work out, so she cried in the arms of another guy she kinda knew… a friend of a friend… and that resulted in a two-month affair that also fizzled out. While she was out with her girlfriends drinking her sorrows away, she met two more men she exchanged numbers with and ended up having sex with them both over the next two weeks.

You get the idea. Not the same ballgame. Combine a world of desperately horny men and a wife with zero boundaries and her new “I get to have sex guilt-free” card, and you are in for a world of trouble.

Please keep in mind one important thing: What your wife is doing is NOT just enjoying casual sex with zero interest in commitment. She is most likely looking for a replacement partner. Something or somebody pushed her buttons and her “must procure new mate” programming is off and running. She is back on the market and she won’t stop until she gets the guy that will check all the boxes. That’s when you’ll get the crying wife at home apologizing and telling you that she didn’t MEAN to fall in love with this guy, but it just happened.

There MAY be women out there who can casually date and have sex outside of the marriage and be completely unfazed and return home to husband with zero attachment to the other man. I have never seen nor have I ever heard about this scenario playing out successfuly. I just don’t feel that the majority of women are wired for such an arrangement.

MGTOW, Incels & Red Pill… Oh My!

If you’re a man that has been hurt by women and you’re scouring the internet looking for answers, then the terms “MGTOW”, “Incels” and “Red Pill” have surely come up on your computer screen more than a few times. I was first introduced to this world a few years ago after spewing forth some of my awesome DSO advice to some young guy who was cheated on in an internet forum. A female reader replied that it was just “Red Pill B.S.” and the original poster should ignore me completely.

Huh. Well, alright then…

**Googling “Red Pill”**

I know that the majority of what I am saying on this site is not new, but I prefer to call it “stuff your dad should’ve taught you” and not “Red Pill”, much less “Red Pill B.S.”.

But, let’s back up… what the hell do these terms mean, anyway?

MGTOW = Men Going Their Own Way

In essence, it’s a disorganized movement of men who have watched and digested all there is about the mating game in today’s world … and decided it’s just not worth the hassle. Throw in some men’s rights stuff, some misogyny, some horrible stories about getting their life savings taken away by an ex-wife and raising kids that ended up not being theirs… and you start to get the picture.

These guys tried relationships, failed miserably, and just said “F this noise.”

After a few stories, you come away thinking “Maybe they have a point…” They are basically pushing the forth what all experienced men innately know: Being a single dude that has his act together… Is pretty damn awesome. Do what you want when you want to do it. Save money. Spend money on what you want. Do whoever you want (as long as it doesn’t lead to a relationship). It IS an intoxicating and carnally rewarding lifestyle. The problem is that it is, in my opinion, somewhat fleeting. There’s always a little itch that needs to be scratched, and women and romantic relationships fill that need (at least for me and many men like me).

I’ll be the first to admit that relationships with women come with a price, and sometimes it is a high price indeed, but it’s in my opinion that these negatives are not insurmountable, and certainly not worthy of throwing out an entire institution that has been around for millennia.

Incels = Involuntary Celibate

These are the worrisome ones. They’re the guys who, for whatever reason, feel that an intimate relationship with a woman SHOULD be theirs for the taking… but it has unwittingly alluded them for WAY too long. They will often point at their good-hearted nature and “nice guy” ways and how everyone tells them their current gameplan of being socially awkward and strange SHOULD be working, but it sure as hell isn’t.

What is happening here is natural. There’s a hierarchy at play in the dating world. It’s not pretty. It’s not nice. It’s been around forever. The hierarchy is basically a dude pyramid. The few guys at the top get most of the top-quality women. Guys in the middle get the crumbs. Guys toward the bottom…. well, they are the ones who the $8,000 sex dolls are made for.

This hierarchical structure has been around and understood forever. It’s just “the way it is”. Somewhere along the line, whether due to outside influences (like Hollywood movies) or a rampant “I DESERVE” mentality, these guys threw out the whole notion of the dude pyramid and said “Well, it’s just not fair. F this pyramid. Where’s my sex? I want it now.” There’s no attempt to better themselves. They see no way out of their predicament. It’s just the way they are, and they’re not going to change and they sure as hell shouldn’t have to.

The nerds got really serious… and it’s kinda scary.

Take a testosterone-fueled human, dangle the carrot of sexual release in front of his face, tell him repeatedly that romance will solve many of his ills, and then show him in no uncertain terms that he has little value or worth in the mating game (he is in the basement of the pyramid)… and THEN get a bunch of these guys together to compare notes.

Not good.

They HATE the guys at the top of the pyramid. Despise them. They hate the women that reward these men with sex EVEN MORE. The recent vehicle terrorist attack in Toronto was a self-professed Incel that was done with life and ready to go out with a bang.

We really need to make prostitution legal.

The Red Pill

Remember the movie “The Matrix”? In it, Neo is presented with the option of taking the Blue Pill and staying in the fake dream world or taking the Red Pill and seeing what really goes on behind the curtain. Morpheus warns Neo that if he chooses Red,  there’s no going back. His world will never be the same.

The internet Red Pill community (their home base is on Reddit) is a bunch of mostly younger dudes who, through the power of observation and life experience, have learned that… holy crap… women suck just as much as men! They can be sociopaths and psychos, too! In fact, holy balls… women and men are in many ways WAAAY different and have different needs and instinctual drives that govern their behavior! In fact, if we learn this stuff and strip away all the useless fluff we’ve been taught… we can have more productive and better relationships with these women and get laid like kings!

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Kinda harmless and a lot like what I say if I’m being honest. The problem is that it’s young guys we’re talking about here, and for every Red Pill Reddit post citing PubMed articles about the role of hormones in behavior, there is another post saying, “All women with nose rings are filthy whores.” It’s young guys we’re talking about here. They were badly hurt by women. Women were supposed to all be super awesome delicate flowers and perfection. Their world was turned upside down. They “swallowed the pill” and saw life for what it really was.

Yes, they see it as being that dramatic. They are freaked out. They can’t shut up about it.

I would say 75% of what they say is right on the money. It’s evolutionary psychology, pick up artist technique, fitness advice and financial wisdom all rolled into one. It’s a bunch of young dudes who, ironically, have really put women in their life WAY up on a pedestal and have constructed their entire internet lives around the purpose of getting into their pants.

They won’t admit it. They will say all their advice is for self-improvement and finding their way in life, but the reality is that the end goal is sex, and possibly a long-term relationship with a really good woman (they refer to such women as “unicorns”, due to their scarcity).

———————–

MGTOW, Incels and Red Pill. Young men trying to find their way in the baseball game of life.

One group took struck out at the plate and promptly went home.

One group wasn’t even allowed at the plate. They’re in the dugout putting poison in their own team’s Gatorade.

One group is researching what the scientifically best bat grip is, who manufactures the best cleats and how to best run around the bases when they DO hit their first homerun. Oh, and the pitcher is a filthy whore.

Why Did She “Affair Down”?

Many times, when a guy tells me about his wife’s affair partner, he will start rattling off reasons why the loser is the absolute opposite of what you would expect from a “typical” affair partner:

1. He has a horrible job.
2. Everyone thinks he’s a loser.
3. He lives with his parents.
4. He’s not that great looking.
5. He has a criminal record.

Most of the betrayed husband’s observations can be summarized as, “He’ll never be a good provider for her. He’s a terrible prospect for a serious long-term relationship.” This goes against the common belief that a woman is always looking to “upgrade” to a better man if given the chance (a phenomenon known as Hypergamy). This guy doesn’t seem to be an upgrade in any sense of the word.

That’s precisely the first thing that draws her to him. He’s not the Provider. He’s not a long-term relationship candidate. He’s not a dad. He’s not her husband.

He’s her Lover.

Any “player” type of guy with no sense of morals will tell you one universal truth:

The easiest women to “pick up” are married women.

Why? The player doesn’t have to compete with thousands of other guys… just one.

Husband is caring, kinda boring, sweet, and a great father? Then just be dangerous, kind of a jerk, adventurous, and let her know in no uncertain terms that you think kids suck.

If he catches the right wife at the right time, the “must mate with this man” buttons are pushed in a big way. Surprisingly easy, actually.

Next thing you know she’s getting a tattoo, researching cosmetic surgery, starts making more disrespectful comments towards the husband and spends less time with the kids.

So, exactly what is going on here? What happened is that the Loser Lover stumbled upon a woman that was perfectly ripe and ready for plucking from the fidelity tree. For a variety of reasons, her boundaries were broken down to the point where she was willing to be intimate with a man whose sole criteria was, “Not my husband. Nothing like my husband. Just help me get away from all this awfulness in my life. Make me feel alive again.”

More to the point, the Loser Lover is not doing things to appease her. He doesn’t live FOR her. He’s not part of THAT world. Not even a little bit. He’s independent. He’s mysterious. He brings about some anxiety… but in a good way. In a thrilling way. In a dangerous way.

“So, wait a minute…” every exhausted husband says. “For years now, she’s been pleading with me to do all these things for her and the kids. Be more thoughtful. Be nicer. Be more helpful. Be a better dad. I bend over backward to accommodate her and to keep her complaining to a minimum… and the next thing she does is run off and have an affair with the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of all of that AND blow up our family in the process?! Seriously?!”

Yep.

Remember, this is emotion we’re talking about. Human nature. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to rationalize it. You can’t win.

Your woman gave you subversive signals and tests throughout your relationship. These came in the form of complaints, hissy fits and appeals for you to connect with her emotionally and to validate her feelings. There were also tests to measure your fortitude under pressure.

You probably failed these tests. Repeatedly.

On top of that, your woman probably has a great deal of personal baggage. Daddy issues. Substance abuse, maybe. Probably issues with overeating and/or spending money. She’s always looking for the next dopamine hit or something to silence her negative anxiety for just a brief moment. She’s never truly dealt with her lingering childhood issues and so the baggage builds and builds, and her self-damaging behaviors begin to bubble up, and she eventually crosses the line in the worst way.

Unbeknownst to the perfectly normal and not-a-total-loser husband, he is at the epicenter of the “I’ve just about had enough of all this all this B.S.” emotional storm that is in his wife’s head. Justified or not, he represents all that is wrong. He is why she has “lost herself”. He is the cause of having to continuously give and give and not feel appreciated. He is why she no longer feels like an attractive woman but instead like a doting mom and a fat nagging wife.

Her husband just doesn’t GET her and apparently never will.

She is trapped. This is not how this “married life” was supposed to be.

Then along comes relief. This is something different. No, it’s not an awesome surprise or gift from the husband. There’s way too much resentment built up and no way for poor hubby to overcome it. Even if husband gave her an all-inclusive trip to Tahiti with round-the-clock massages and all the cocktails she can handle, she would still roll her eyes every five minutes and complain that the masseuse is too rough, the drinks are too weak, the sun is too hot, and she feels fat in her swimsuit.

Instead, relief comes in the form of the bartender with a horrible prison tattoo on his neck. He says, “I don’t remember seeing your sexy self in here before” while she was out having cosmos with her girlfriends.

That’s all it takes.

Her “have affair” button was right on the cusp of getting pushed all the way down (and had been for quite a while), and Dumbface McLoserstein comes along and slams it down with a gusto.

“HIM?!” everyone asks. Well, yeah. Who else would it be?

You thought she was going to be able to snag some billionaire fitness model with a strong jawline and a 140 IQ? No, he’s at the top of the dude pyramid. To him, your wife isn’t even a blip on the “woman I would take to bed” radar. Sorry if that’s insulting, but you’ve been wearing the rose-colored marriage goggles for a while. You’re not living in reality.

What about another guy like you with a good job, a good heart, a good reputation and decent looks? What, you mean a “normal” guy? No. Most normal guys can smell crazy and “ready to blow up and shove a fork in my eye if I say the wrong thing to her” a mile away. Your wife has a ton of baggage and is ready to pop. We ALL see it. You’ve been blind to it for a while, but the rest of us haven’t.

Finally, here comes Mr. Right. This guy has a freight train full of his own baggage. He probably has his share of mommy issues, addictions and constant chasing of dopamine hits. A “thrill seeker”, but not in any good way. Because of that, he doesn’t judge. He doesn’t care one iota about what kind of dinner she makes for her kids, whether or not she is 20 lbs overweight, what kind of grades her kids get, or whether her kids are in too many sports.

Your wife is not a catch. She is a loser. How do I know? Because she threw away her life for the chance to have an affair with a loser. That’s a pretty strong “I am not a prize” signal right there.

She “affairs down” because SHE is down there, too. She always has been. Her affair was lateral, not vertical. She found a “soul mate”, if maybe just for an evening.

You can’t see it now, but you will soon enough. Her spell over you will fade and you will be left with an overwhelming sense of “What in the sam hell was I thinking?”

You’re not alone. You’re a good dude who made a big mistake. That’s life. You ignored lots of red flags and allowed a human into your world that was WAY below your level. You were just too dumb, too love-struck and too GOOD of a guy to see it.

Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?