My own personal experience and that of thousands of other men who have been married and/or dated will tell you the same thing:
If your woman is crazy about you, you will know it. She will leave zero doubt. She will shower you with praise. She will have her hands all over you. She will buy you gifts. She will feel very jealous at times. She will submit to you, sexually. She will be very adventuresome in bed. She will open herself to you mentally and physically. She will feel completely comfortable and safe with you.
So, for all of you guys in long-term relationships or marriages that don’t see any of the above… well, bad news my man.
She just isn’t that into you.
Why is that? Why are there communities of men online talking about their “dead bedrooms“? As with most problems in relationships, it’s your fault, dude. Yep. You.
No, this isn’t some post saying “Women good. Men bad!” This is real life. YOU are the driver of both yourself AND your relationship. You say what goes for both. It’s called being a leader. You want your woman to be crazy about you again? Then do something about it. No amount of begging, pick-me dancing, whining, flowers, house-cleaning, diaper-changing or other horse shit will get her in bed with you. She needs to WANT YOU again. She WANTS to want you again.
But, DSO! My wife is worked to death! She’s tired! The kids wear her butt out! At the end of the day she just wants to lay down and watch some TV or read a good book. I totally get that! I feel that way too, a lot of the time!
This is 100% absolutely perfectly understandable. Life is tough. It wears on you. Work. Kids. Bills. Stress stress stress. It takes a certain mindset to get a woman in the mood for intimacy… And those are some pretty big obstacles that get in the way. But, here’s the thing:
The energy is in there. Trust me. It just needs to get pulled out.
Many husbands/boyfriends out there are noticing or have learned two things about their completely exhausted, stressed-out female partners:
- These women sure are obsessed with porn. Yeah, those “romance” novels she reads? The photo shoot with that hunky pop star her friend posted about on Facebook and your wife liked and commented on? That’s porn. Woman porn. Ever read Fifty Shades of Grey? Synopsis: Dominate, sociopath rich man picks out shy, homely woman for crazy bondage sex. Women all over the globe at that up. They made a movie of it. Women went to the cinema in DROVES to watch it. Gajillions of dollars were spent.
- She’s talking about other men. At work. At the gym. At the playground. At the soccer field. She’ll talk about their butts. Their pecs. Their tight stomachs. She’ll talk to her friends about them. She’ll talk about celebrities on TV. Athletes. Her favorite country singer in tight pants. Maybe even in front of you. Probably in front of you. Wow, for an exhausted mom… she sure does have her eyes constantly open and taking in all that hot sex on display, doesn’t she? Interesting. Yes, it’s mostly harmless and fun and EVERY mom does it, right?!
SIMPLE RULE: If your woman is crazy in love with you and turned on by you, she has no need openly partake in poorly-written woman porn or sharing pictures of some soccer dude’s abs and butt on Facebook. She looks at those as silly and brags about YOU instead. Oh, and she’ll want to bang you. You won’t need to Google things like “Wife won’t have sex with me“. Crazy, I know.
Alright, so maybe you’re coming to terms with the fact that your wife isn’t so crazy about you anymore. So what?! Maybe she never was. What’s the worst that could happen, right? You already have kids, a house, jobs, etc. Life is already set in stone. This is just how marriage IS, right!? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that sex isn’t THAT important to your well being as a man.
Stop kidding yourself. Is that why you find yourself looking at porn on a daily basis? So much so that double-anal-double-vaginal fisting bukake amputee porn is the only thing that gets you mildly erect. You can’t walk outside of the house without looking at and drooling over every female of legal age. Your fantasy world exceeds your reality in every way imaginable. But hey… every other married guy is the same, right?
Wrong. It doesn’t have to be that way. A robust and healthy sex life is NOT out of the question for married people. Not at all. Ironically it’s usually the WIFE who is the first to come to this realization. That’s right, your woman isn’t happy about the lack of sizzle in your marriage, either.
She wants more. She wants better.
She wants to be picked up, thrown on the bed, man-handled and turned into a sex slave. She wants to drive out to the middle of nowhere at 2:00am, be dragged out and thrown on the hood of the car by a man who rips her panties off in a lustful rage. She wants a guy who is not afraid to say what he wants in bed in the most direct way. She absolutely LOVES dirty talk.
SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS WITH YOU.
She’s just not that into you, dude. Sorry. She may not have ever been.
Many of us dense men don’t come to this realization until we catch our wives in an affair. Here’s a very common phrase out of the mouth of a betrayed man who endured a dead bedroom for years:
“She did THAT with HIM?!?! She never would do THAT with ME! What the hell!?”
Yep, that super exhausted partner of yours managed to dig deep down inside and find enough sexual energy to power all of Eastern Europe.
“Wonderful. Now what?!”
So, you’re like a lot of guys and you’re nodding your head right now. This “dead bedroom” phenomenon sounds way too familiar and way too depressing. What to do?! Well, a common refrain is “couples counseling!” Get in an office with a professional and freely communicate. Get things out in the open. Yeah, it makes sense on the surface. Communication is a huge thing in any personal relationship. But, ask yourself this:
Will openly talking and pussy-footing around the main issue (her lack of attraction towards you) REALLY get her libido going? Will that ignite her dormant fire?
This has never been said, ever:
“Oh my gosh, honey! You know what? Now that I hear you tell me bluntly that you need more intimacy… I am suddenly all turned on!! WOW I had no idea sex was so important to you! NOW I AM ALL KINDS OF HORNY!! Let’s get home and do this!!”
It’s a fantasy that has never panned out.
FACT: You can’t negotiate attraction. It’s there, or it isn’t. No amount of talking it out will pull it out of her.
MEN: ARE YOU IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE?
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN OUT THERE NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR SEX LIVES.
What is going on? Is the tried-and-true stereotype of the undersexed husband and the cold, bossy wife inevitable? Are monogamous relationships doomed to such a pitiful state? Is that just the way marriage is?
I DON'T THINK SO.
To make a long story short, several years ago I was married for 15 years, discovered infidelity, quickly divorced and found myself newly single and sharing custody of three little kids. I then started a website at www.dadstartingover.com. After chatting with many men in my situation , I slowly started to notice patterns of behavior. Most men experienced long “Dead Bedroom” periods in their relationship prior to their divorce. Many of these men later discovered infidelity.
I wrote about my thoughts on Dead Bedrooms on my website and it is by far the most popular topic to date. It has outranked all other topics combined. Then I started a podcast and recorded a few episodes. The Dead Bedrooms episode was the most downloaded.
Simply put, nobody seems to know what to do to keep the fire going in their longterm relationship. Most of us experience a “honeymoon phase” of intimacy, and then watch it quickly fade as the stress of life and the boredom of familiarity settle in.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
I don’t claim to have all the answers for a happy married sex life. What I do know is that my own experience and the experience of hundreds of other men have helped to create a prescription for what I feel is the only true, honest, no bullshit way to get your wife jumping your bones again.
I have finally put that prescription down on paper, and I call it The Dead Bedroom Fix.