Dissecting Dead Bedrooms

My own personal experience and that of thousands of other men who have been married and/or dated will tell you the same thing:

If your woman is crazy about you, you will know it. She will leave zero doubt. She will shower you with praise. She will have her hands all over you. She will buy you gifts. She will feel very jealous at times. She will submit to you, sexually. She will be very adventuresome in bed. She will open herself to you mentally and physically.  She will feel completely comfortable and safe with you.

So, for all of you guys in long-term relationships or marriages that don’t see any of the above… well, bad news my man.

She just isn’t that into you. 

Why is that? Why are there communities of men online talking about their “dead bedrooms“? As with most problems in relationships, it’s your fault, dude. Yep. You.

No, this isn’t some post saying “Women good. Men bad!” This is real life. YOU are the driver of both yourself AND your relationship. You say what goes for both. It’s called being a leader. You want your woman to be crazy about you again? Then do something about it. No amount of begging, pick-me dancing, whining, flowers, house-cleaning, diaper-changing or other horse shit will get her in bed with you. She needs to WANT YOU again. She WANTS to want you again.

But, DSO! My wife is worked to death! She’s tired! The kids wear her butt out! At the end of the day she just wants to lay down and watch some TV or read a good book. I totally get that! I feel that way too, a lot of the time!

This is 100% absolutely perfectly understandable. Life is tough. It wears on you. Work. Kids. Bills. Stress stress stress. It takes a certain mindset to get a woman in the mood for intimacy… And those are some pretty big obstacles that get in the way. But, here’s the thing:

The energy is in there. Trust me. It just needs to get pulled out.

Many husbands/boyfriends out there are noticing or have learned two things about their completely exhausted, stressed-out female partners:

  1. These women sure are obsessed with porn. Yeah, those “romance” novels she reads? The photo shoot with that hunky pop star her friend posted about on Facebook and your wife liked and commented on? That’s porn. Woman porn. Ever read Fifty Shades of Grey?  Synopsis: Dominate, sociopath rich man picks out shy, homely woman for crazy bondage sex. Women all over the globe at that up. They made a movie of it. Women went to the cinema in DROVES to watch it. Gajillions of dollars were spent.
  2. She’s talking about other men. At work. At the gym. At the playground. At the soccer field. She’ll talk about their butts. Their pecs. Their tight stomachs. She’ll talk to her friends about them. She’ll talk about celebrities on TV. Athletes. Her favorite country singer in tight pants. Maybe even in front of you. Probably in front of you. Wow, for an exhausted mom… she sure does have her eyes constantly open and taking in all that hot sex on display, doesn’t she? Interesting. Yes, it’s mostly harmless and fun and EVERY mom does it, right?!

SIMPLE RULE: If your woman is crazy in love with you and turned on by you, she has no need openly partake in poorly-written woman porn or sharing pictures of some soccer dude’s abs and butt on Facebook. She looks at those as silly and brags about YOU instead. Oh, and she’ll want to bang you. You won’t need to Google things like “Wife won’t have sex with me“. Crazy, I know.

Alright, so maybe you’re coming to terms with the fact that your wife isn’t so crazy about you anymore. So what?! Maybe she never was. What’s the worst that could happen, right? You already have kids, a house, jobs, etc. Life is already set in stone. This is just how marriage IS, right!? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that sex isn’t THAT important to your well being as a man.

Stop kidding yourself. Is that why you find yourself looking at porn on a daily basis? So much so that double-anal-double-vaginal fisting bukake amputee porn is the only thing that gets you mildly erect. You can’t walk outside of the house without looking at and drooling over every female of legal age. Your fantasy world exceeds your reality in every way imaginable. But hey… every other married guy is the same, right?

Wrong. It doesn’t have to be that way. A robust and healthy sex life is NOT out of the question for married people. Not at all. Ironically it’s usually the WIFE who is the first to come to this realization. That’s right, your woman isn’t happy about the lack of sizzle in your marriage, either.

She wants more. She wants better.

She wants to be picked up, thrown on the bed, man-handled and turned into a sex slave. She wants to drive out to the middle of nowhere at 2:00am, be dragged out and thrown on the hood of the car by a man who rips her panties off in a lustful rage. She wants a guy who is not afraid to say what he wants in bed in the most direct way. She absolutely LOVES dirty talk.

SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS WITH YOU.

She’s just not that into you, dude. Sorry. She may not have ever been.

Many of us dense men don’t come to this realization until we catch our wives in an affair. Here’s a very common phrase out of the mouth of a betrayed man who endured a dead bedroom for years:

“She did THAT with HIM?!?! She never would do THAT with ME! What the hell!?” 

Yep, that super exhausted partner of yours managed to dig deep down inside and find enough sexual energy to power all of Eastern Europe.

“Wonderful. Now what?!”

So, you’re like a lot of guys and you’re nodding your head right now. This “dead bedroom” phenomenon sounds way too familiar and way too depressing. What to do?! Well, a common refrain is “couples counseling!” Get in an office with a professional and freely communicate. Get things out in the open. Yeah, it makes sense on the surface. Communication is a huge thing in any personal relationship. But, ask yourself this:

Will openly talking and pussy-footing around the main issue (her lack of attraction towards you) REALLY get her libido going? Will that ignite her dormant fire?

This has never been said, ever:

“Oh my gosh, honey! You know what? Now that I hear you tell me bluntly that you need more intimacy… I am suddenly all turned on!! WOW I had no idea sex was so important to you! NOW I AM ALL KINDS OF HORNY!! Let’s get home and do this!!”

It’s a fantasy that has never panned out.

FACT: You can’t negotiate attraction. It’s there, or it isn’t. No amount of talking it out will pull it out of her.

MEN: ARE YOU IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE?

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN OUT THERE NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR SEX LIVES.

What is going on? Is the tried-and-true stereotype of the undersexed husband and the cold, bossy wife inevitable? Are monogamous relationships doomed to such a pitiful state? Is that just the way marriage is?

I DON'T THINK SO.

To make a long story short, several years ago I was married for 15 years, discovered infidelity, quickly divorced and found myself newly single and sharing custody of three little kids. I then started a website at www.dadstartingover.com. After chatting with many men in my situation , I slowly started to notice patterns of behavior. Most men experienced long “Dead Bedroom” periods in their relationship prior to their divorce. Many of these men later discovered infidelity.

I wrote about my thoughts on Dead Bedrooms on my website and it is by far the most popular topic to date. It has outranked all other topics combined. Then I started a podcast and recorded a few episodes. The Dead Bedrooms episode was the most downloaded.

Simply put, nobody seems to know what to do to keep the fire going in their longterm relationship. Most of us experience a “honeymoon phase” of intimacy, and then watch it quickly fade as the stress of life and the boredom of familiarity settle in.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I don’t claim to have all the answers for a happy married sex life. What I do know is that my own experience and the experience of hundreds of other men have helped to create a prescription for what I feel is the only true, honest, no bullshit way to get your wife jumping your bones again.

I have finally put that prescription down on paper, and I call it The Dead Bedroom Fix.

How to Detach From Your Cheater Ex-Wife

A popular question I get from time to time:

“How can I move on and get over my wife?”

Let’s first look at what it is that men are talking about exactly when they ask for help “getting over” their ex (or soon to be ex-wife).

What they really mean is, “How can I break this addiction?”

Make no mistake about it, you are mentally and physically addicted to your wife. She has been in your little world for YEARS and every facet of your life has her stamp on it. From your daily routine, your kids, vacations, hobbies, etc… she’s there. She’s another limb on your body. For that to suddenly GO AWAY is not a little thing.

It’s traumatic.

Just like trying to break substance abuse, getting over your ex is a big F’ing deal and one that makes your body and brain naturally scream, “Now, hold on a second. Wait… Let’s talk about this first.” 

But just like with drugs, when you finally get over the hump and break that connection and start the real healing process… you’re left with this overwhelming sense of regret. “Why didn’t I stop drinking years ago? I feel so much better. God, what a waste of life that was.” 

Feel Horrible -> Get over the hump -> Begin rebuilding -> Feel a million times better than before.

So… how do you do it? How do you get over the hump?

Well… You just do it.

Sorry, there’s no magic formula here. I can only tell you what makes the disconnect happen faster (cutting as much contact as humanly possible and keeping busy), but It’s still up to you to make that first step and put down that proverbial bottle and not pick it up again. It’s up to you to call the attorney and get your ducks in a row and figure out the steps for an amicable divorce and moving away from her so you can rebuild.

The two rules of recovery:

1, You cannot rebuild while you are in the presence of your ex-wife.

2. You cannot overcome the grief if you are in regular contact with your ex-wife.

You cannot overcome alcohol addiction by having just a little shot of whiskey here and there. It’s the same damn thing.

You absolutely have to break contact with her. Completely. Cold turkey.

“But… we have kids.”

Then your contact should be kept to brief logistical text messages. “Making sure you’re getting kids after school today. I will swing by and get them at 6:00. Thanks.” or “Tommy has strep throat. Got meds from doc. He’ll be ok in a couple of days. I’ll stay home from work with him.”

No personal talk. No casual chats. No friendliness.

If she texts “How are you doing?”, you ignore.

If she calls, you don’t answer the phone.

If she shows up at your place, you don’t answer the door.  If she refuses to leave, you call the police.

If she bad-mouths you to the kids, you don’t respond. You let it go. You let your actions do the talking. You be the best dad in the universe and never say a bad word about mom to your kids. Ever. They will just internalize that negativity and think less of themselves. Your positive energy will pay dividends years down the line.

See, you can’t interact with or bad-mouth a ghost. “A ghost?” Yes… she’s a ghost. Why do I call her a ghost? Because…

SHE IS DEAD.

The woman you knew and loved doesn’t exist. She was an imaginary friend. You think fondly of your memories, but that’s all there is. Memories. Chapter closed. Movie over. You move on. Just like you do when a loved one dies. You didn’t sit around and cry for days on end when Uncle Bob passed away. You attended the funeral, you mourned with family, and you moved on. Bob is in the ground. Life kept going on without him.

In the case of your wife leaving you, you do much the same.

You get busy. You stay away from women for a while.  You focus on yourself. If you are not with the kids, you are Mr. Selfish. You only worry about yourself and what you can do to improve. The gym is your new temple.

IT WILL SUCK.

You will feel HORRIBLE for a little while. You don’t have your drug, after all. What makes it worse is that your drug is RIGHT THERE and only a phonecall or text away.  All you gotta do is answer the door when she cries on your doorstep, and you have your immediate shot of heroin.

You will just go right back to where you started.

Most men know all this stuff. They know you just have to get away from the broken woman for good, but most men don’t want to. They know how much the process will suck. They don’t want to give up the warm, comfortable feeling of familiarity that their drug provides. They don’t want to go into withdrawal and vomit all over the place while having delusions of a dead baby crawling on the ceiling (Trainspotting reference… awesome movie).

These guys are just scared and understandably so.

MOST THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARE WORTH DOING REQUIRE A SCARY LEAP OF FAITH.

Just fucking do it. Get help if you need to. Talk it out with friends. But make no mistake… you NEED to do it. If not, you will slowly die on the inside. It’s as simple as that. You don’t want to be 98 years old and sitting in a chair taking your last breath and saying to yourself, “Why didn’t I just fucking leave? God, I was so stupid. What a waste.”

That’s regret. You don’t want regret. There’s nothing worse.

ARE YOU WORTH IT?

Maybe that’s the crux of your problem. Maybe you feel you’re not WORTH anything better than a cheating wife. Be honest with yourself. Is that it? Maybe you need to dig deeper down into your past and figure out why exactly it is that you: 1. Were attracted to a woman like this to begin with, 2. Stayed with her even though there were lots of red flags, and 3. Tried to stay with her after the bomb drop of infidelity was discovered.

Why the hell aren’t you worth better? Did your wife’s mental issues and gaslighting convince you that you were a crazy, worthless husband? Did family constantly remind you of how lucky you were to be with a woman like her? Does your family now pressure you to stay and keep the family unit together?

Fuck ‘Em.

Seriously. Fuck all of ’em. Crabs in a bucket. They’re all dragging you down, my man. Get out. Move on. You can be whatever the hell you want to be. Do you want to be the guy that people say, “Awwww… I feel so sorry for him” when they see you picking up your kids from school? Or do you want to be the guy that makes them say, “That guy over there… the cute one? His wife left him and then he just totally changed. He’s got like five girlfriends now. Seriously. My sister dated him. He’s a really good dad, actually. Very cool guy.”

Sound stupid and far-fetched? It’s not. Could very well be you…. You just need to take that first step.

Books

Read. Learn something. It makes you less dumb.

Porn

Eugene the porn addict

Meet Eugene.

Eugene will be the first to tell you that he doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. In fact, for all intents and purposes, he is worthless in the mating game. For years he has watched everyone else out there being happy and getting laid. He spends month after month, year after year, alone. No companionship. No intimacy.

His very human needs are not being met.

He’s not dumb. He sees what it takes to get women attracted to him, but he feels it’s just not worth the effort. He just wasn’t made to be a Lover. He’s resigned himself to his lower status.

But, he still has needs.

To relieve the tension, he has resorted to watching his hotter, more attractive friends have sex while he masturbates. That’s right… Couples get naked and have crazy sex while he sits in the corner, hunched over, masturbating like a monkey. They never acknowledge his presence, let alone ask him to join in. He’s basically invisible. He’s cool with that. Everyone agrees on this arrangement beforehand.

He finishes. Doesn’t take long. He leaves. He may leave a little money on the way out the door. Usually not.

He does this daily. Every single day he finds somebody to watch have sex. Sometimes it’s the same couple. Sometimes he likes to mix it up, maybe throw in a dwarf, two or more women together, or maybe some extreme bondage. His tastes seem to get more extreme as time goes on. There’s never a shortage of people willing to help him out.

After doing this for years, this has become his sole means of reaching orgasm. He can’t do it any other way.

This, my friends, is porn.

When viewing porn, you are admitting your lower sexual status. You are throwing your hands up in resignation and saying, “Ok, can I just sit here and pleasure myself while you way more attractive people do all the hard work? I won’t bother you. “ It’s like sexual welfare.

Porn is like that two-way mirror that they use in police interrogation rooms. You’re on one side jerking off while the hot people are on the other side having the time of their lives. They don’t see you, but they know you’re there. They’ll even angle their bodies towards you to give you a better view. Then they’ll all laugh at you when you leave the building. “He’ll be back, they say. “He always comes back. Pathetic.”

You’re addicted.

You can also think of porn as a drug. Like alcohol, some of us can have a little taste one night and forget about it for weeks or months at a time. It’s just a social lubricant and makes things relaxing and fun. For some of us, we have a drink not just to unwind or hang out with friends, but to self-medicate. We have anxiety issues or insecurities that alcohol does a very good job of mending (temporarily).

Booze saves you the hard work of dealing with your deep-seated issues like a grownup. Why go through all the trouble of real introspection and therapy when you can have a few beers on a nightly basis? Everybody does it, right?

The problem with booze is that it’s ok in small doses, but can quickly lead to a HUGE number of problems if taken to the next level. Unfortunately, the “next level” is hard to define. It varies greatly from person to person. Everyone with a drinking problem will tell you how it just “snuck up” on them and one day they found they couldn’t function normally without it.

Porn is the exact same way.

With porn, you’re avoiding dealing with the main issue that is staring you directly in the face:

You’re not getting laid.

More specifically,  you’re not doing things necessary to GET laid. Instead, you’re just doing things that cause you to have an orgasm.

There’s a huge difference between having a real intimate relationship with another human being (even if maybe just for one night) and being hunched over in front of your glowing laptop. Actual sex is the natural result of a fun and drawn-out dating game of socializing with other people. You eventually allow enough trust and attraction to build up so that you can get naked with another human and rub your dirty bits together.

What’s not natural is feeling that itch for intimacy, firing up your computer, and reaching orgasm within minutes. Your brain and body weren’t setup for such an arrangement. Much like eating Cheetohs… or drinking way too much vodka.

Who is the typical porn consumer?

As I see it, there are two kinds of regular porn users:

1. I can’t get sex. I need relief. Porn is a quick way to get what I need. I have grown accustomed to it. It’s the same as having my morning cup of coffee. I’m legitimately addicted to porn.

2. I am married or have a girlfriend. I can get sex if I tried… But it’s just easier to rub one out instead of going through all the trouble of being intimate with my partner. Yes, I use porn regularly. Maybe even every day. But… I don’t have a problem. I have sex with my wife, after all. Sometimes.

#2 is becoming more and more common. These guys are like alcoholics in denial. They have a giant bottle of vodka hidden in their office and don’t think it’s a big deal.  Hey, everybody drinks, right? No, they don’t tell their loved ones about it. Yes, they feel some shame about it… But, again,  it’s no big deal, right?

Ask their partner if it’s a big deal.

There’s a growing Dead Bedroom community of sex-hungry wives and girlfriends online crying about their men repeatedly turning them down for sex. What’s most disturbing to them is that their man has a huge internet porn habit. The wife is told that he is just so tired from work and can’t think about sex. She then goes to his internet browser history and sees link after link of gangbang porn he watched just ten minutes ago. She is crushed.

The quick drug of streaming porn gave him the relief he desired, and now he no longer feels the need for the very real flesh and bone of the woman he loves. He has short-circuited his brain. His natural inclination is to find women and try to have sex with them. Thanks to modern technology and the free market system, he has found a MUCH easier way to achieve the same end result. He’s able to skip steps A – Y and jump right to Z.

This is not a good thing.

The gap between the guys at the top of the Dude Pyramid (who get all the girls) and those at the bottom is widening rapidly. There’s a myriad of reasons why. Most men are out of shape, tired, uninteresting, and lack the oomph they need to crawl up the ladder and better themselves. Porn is a huge component of why this is happening.

You watch porn all the time? Congrats. You’re Eugene.  The porn producers are preying upon your human nature. They have engineered their product in a way that keeps you coming back again and again… while they shove their dick-growing pill advertisements in your face.

They know you’re insecure and not getting any. They know precisely what buttons to push to get you coming back every day and possibly forking over a few bucks in the process.

You’re in the sub-basement level of the Dude Pyramid.You’re down there with the degenerates, weirdos and social misfits that all of society says “Ew, go away” to.

Cut this shit out of your life.

Don’t be another fucking Eugene. Be a man. Go get laid.