“Dear DSO: Women today are f*cking disgusting”

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO,

I’ve been divorced for about two and half years. My wife left me after her second affair. Those are the only two affairs I know about, but there were probably more than that. We had no kids thank God. Our marriage lasted about four years. I started dating before our divorce was final. I counted and I have been on dates with 28 different women. All but three of them were from Match.com. 

 

If I’m being honest, I am looking for my next wife. I’m definitely what you like to call a “provider” and I like the idea of going though life with a woman and being there for her. I am looking for the love of my life. I know she’s out there, but I’m starting to lose hope that I will be able to find her. There’s just too much trash women out there. Women today are fucking disgusting. They’re just looking for bad boys and assholes that they can have sex with no strings attached. They think it’s a good thing to act slutty and sleep with multiple guys at the same time. My problem is that if I have sex with women, which is way too easy, I get attached to them right away. I fall in love and start acting like a boyfriend. That’s when they usually ghost me and run away. I’ve had a few women tell me right to my face that I’m way too nice and way too attached. They tell me they just want fun and no long-term relationship.

 

I had ONE woman that I really hit it off online with. She was very sweet and we both talked about how we were tired of assholes looking for just sex and no commitment. She was very pretty in her pictures. Then I met her… and she was about 50 lbs heavier than her photos. Then she told me she had not one but TWO fucking kids.  She never mentioned kids. Then I realized that I was seeing A LOT of red flags and this woman was just looking for a provider guy to take care of her and her kids. I bailed on her. She texted me and called me every name in the book and said I’m an asshole like every other guy out there. It made me feel terrible. Maybe I’m starting to become just like the girls I hate dating.

 

I’m so tired of the whole thing. It’s dumb. Was I really wrong about relationships? Is marriage dead? You married again… how did you find your wife?

 

Jason

Jason,

There’s a lot going on here. It’s not a simple situation you find yourself in, but it is a common one.  Let’s break it down…

Women looking for sex but not commitment  —  Yep, times are a changin’, as they say. The sexual and economic landscape has gone through a pretty major shift. Good guys like you feel that finding a good-looking and decent woman looking for a good man to commit to should be a simple thing. You’re looking at the dating world through old-fashioned, male-centric glasses. Right now, the dating world is a woman’s market. 

When you strip away the economic factors (women looking for men to pay for their way through life) you’re left with a large group of the female dating pool that thinks that “settling” for a Provider is fruitless. Why would she devote herself to a man she has no sexual desire for if she doesn’t NEED his cash and resources? Why would she do that when her dating pool is so abundant? In their mind, they have the looks and personality necessary to allow them to pick from the cream of the crop. They want the Super Lover with the heart of gold, and they will go through a laundry list of Lovers to find him. In their mind, they have all the time in the world.

The irony is that a lot of men honestly feel that they fit the bill of, “Super Lover With a Heart of Gold” (SLWAHOG). The harsh reality is that the men deemed “relationship-worthy” account for MAYBE 20% of the dating pool. The remaining 80%? You’d be lucky to play the part of human dildo for one evening. 

It’s a buyer’s market right now… and the women are the buyers. You’re selling a product that your ideal buyer is not interested in. It’s really that simple.

Is there a magic formula to find Mrs. Right? Yep:

  1. Forget about finding Mrs. Right. If you are actively looking for her, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
  2. Just have fun.
  3. Loosen up. Stop being so dramatic. You don’t have to date and you don’t have to commit. You can focus on other things in life.

Big picture question for you: Why are you so damn caught up on the idea of finding a wife? Maybe you should dig into what it is in your past that is bubbling up now and causing you to feel like you NEED a wife so badly. Why can’t you be happy with friends, hobbies, activities and the occasional girl for a casual relationship and fun? Remember, you want a relationship with a woman to be an ancillary to your life… not the entire meaning to life. 

I can feel your neediness just from your email. It’s a giant turnoff. Women typically don’t want to feel NEEDED by a man. They want to WANT you. Yes, it’s all a stupid little game of cat and mouse… but welcome to the mating game. You have to play by the rules or you’ll turn into roadkill. You’re pushing forward your Provider traits. The only fish you’re going to catch are 50 lb overweight women with kids and a shrinking bank account… or decent-looking women that are getting up there in age and want to “settle down” and have kids. If that sounds appealing to you, that’s great… but please realize that these women won’t be interested in YOU as much as they are reacting to their biological shortcomings. They are running out of time to breed and start a family. Those are the women that later pop out a couple of kids and then get caught banging the landscaping guy because “something was missing” from their life.

Take a break from women for a while. You married a woman and she quickly cheated on you (multiple times). Maybe it’s time you stopped and talked to somebody to figure out WHY that happened to you and WHY you seem so eager to relive that experience. Good luck!

Recommended Reading

Book Review: “Untrue” by Wednesday Martin

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

I have just recently finished the book, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free” by Wednesday Martin. For a guy like me who has written on female sexuality (and how it pertains to relationship, marriage and infidelity), this is not what I would call a major eye-opener of a book. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say that I agree with most of what Ms. Martin says. There’s nothing really ground-breaking here for me or for most of my readers. We’re not her target audience, after all.

What IS interesting to me is that she has unknowingly written what may be the most intensely anti-marriage mainstream book  I’ve read in quite some time. It’s well-written. It’s smart. It’s funny. Yes, she approaches her subject from an unabashedly feminist perspective, using history and evolutionary psychology to build her case, but the conclusions are the same as your typical angry 20-something guy ranting about women on Reddit:

  • Women are not anywhere near as chaste and pure as you think they are. They cheat. A lot. Hell, your grandma probably cheated.
  • Women are every bit as sexual as men. Just because men have higher levels of testosterone doesn’t mean women don’t get crazy horny if the circumstances are right. In fact, women are turned on by WAY more than what men are. Their sexuality is extremely fluid. They’re made for sex.
  • Women are just not turned on by traditional monogamy. They want fun and excitement. This is why women are the ones predominantly pushing for open marriages and polyamory. They need the extra oomph to get them going. Marriage and kids turns off their sexual machine.
  • It’s by no means unusual for a woman to get her sexual needs met by one man (her Lover) and her comfort and financial resources from another (her Provider).

What I think Martin fails to appreciate is how much of a “holy shit” this is for one particular (and important) section of our population: Monogamous men that are looking to settle down with one woman for the rest of their lives.

I can just picture some normal guy with a good job, healthy 401k and a girlfriend of three years he’s about to propose to. He’s aimlessly walking through the book store and sees a copy of this book prominently displayed along with other seedy “sex” and “relationship” books. He picks it up, takes a look… reads a few pages… and mindlessly takes it over to the coffee shop area. A few chapters and one large cappucino later, and he’s angrily texting his girlfriend. “We need to talk.”

On a big picture scale, what may be seen as an understandably “empowering” and freeing” sexual manifesto for many women will be used by a GIANT chunk of our society (men) as a handy excuse to completely bail out of the monogamy industry. In other words, the more the “secret” gets out, the more men may very well opt out of the whole monogamous marriage process.

Men WANT the dream of the woman who has eyes only for him and who will be devoted to him no matter what life throws their way. Most men can’t even CONCEIVE of their married life in any other way. It’s a dream that many of us men have been spoon fed since the day we first noticed girls. We’ve been told out whole lives what marriage was SUPPOSED to be… and books like this are telling us that we were lied to? Okay… then we don’t want to participate in this game anymore” many men are saying.

Instead, men will live comfortably in their shitty little apartments, with their shitty but comfortable jobs, a steady but not exciting paycheck, their modest 401k savings, their video games, little social interaction, and way too much porn. Other than the pickup truck in the driveway, their vasectomy will be the only other major life expense. They don’t want to have a major “oops” and ruin all the good stuff they have going on!

Obviously, this would have dramatic repercussions for the economy and for state of the Western family. Economists are already freaking out about dropping fertility rates and subsequent lack of spending. We have real-world examples of how this dynamic plays out with the current situation in Japan and their “Herbivore Men”. It’s not pretty.

Make no mistake about it, the “monogamous married couple with 2.5 kids” model is an industry. It drives our consumption economy. From the expensive wedding, to the expensive honeymoon, the way-too-big house, the pointless SUV, the hybrid sedan, the namebrand baby items, the namebrand clothes, the expensive vacations, the expensive divorces… it’s a giant machine that is the hub of a very big economic wheel. A viral change in mindset can shut the machine down a little at a time.

FACT: Women drive 84% of all consumer spending in the U.S. That’s $7 trillion dollars of spending annually. Trillion. With a T. 

Good, quality men have always been on the edge of opting out of the marriage industry… and things like Untrue are all it may take to push them right over the edge into eternal bachelorhood.  What was once a goal to strive for (marriage and raising kids) is now a giant life-ruining accident they want to avoid, all because their vision of what a relationship is supposed to be has been upturned. Marriage is now seen as a huge fun-killer for the other half of the population. As Wednesday Martin says in the title of the book: “… How the New Science Can Set Us Free”. Set women free from what? Monogamy? I think if your wise old grandma were here, she would tell you, “Honey, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.”

According to Martin and “Untrue”,   it’s time the rest of society get with the program and recognize women’s sexual autonomy and change the game to accomodate their needs. We’ll all be better off for it.

Martin’s book and the subject matter is not considered “mainstream” just yet. She’s not a household name. The subject is still considered a “fringe” topic by many, but it’s one that is gaining a lot of ground in a hurry. It seems like everyone has a buddy whose wife just suggested an open marriage, or a wife who got caught sexting a guy from work, or a wife who simply walked away from the husband and kids to be with the sexy loser.  It happens.

The question is… okay, now what?  If what Martin says is correct… what do YOU do about it?