Dear DSO: “I feel like I need a wife.”

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Dear DSO:

I read your book (Now What? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce) and I totally agree that I’m one of those guys that feels like he needs a wife to feel normal. I was totally in love with my wife for the 14 years we were together. I gave her everything. I supported her. I paid for her to go back to school and get her degree. She was my best friend and I was hers. We had two great kids. We did everything together. Then I found out she was fooling around with her ex-boyfriend that she had in highschool. They got back together when she went back home to Texas for a family reunion. All that time we had meant nothing to her. She treated me like garbage. That all went down about three years ago. Our divorce was fair and we share custody of the kids. I don’t have to pay child support or anything like that since she has a good job now.

I’ve been online dating for two years. I realize I’m totally the Provider that you talk about. I pay for lots of dinners and dates and I don’t have one longterm girlfriend yet. The second girl I dated after divorce seemed to be perfect. We had a lot in common and both fell in love pretty quick. She ghosted me after three months and I saw that she was dating somebody else. That felt like my divorce all over again.

I don’t know how to not fall in love right away. I’ve had sex with one woman in three years. I don’t know how to be the Lover you talk about. You make it sound easy but for me it’s not. I’m not made to screw around with lots of women and just not care if I don’t get a longterm girlfriend or wife again. The only reason I’m dating is to get another relationship and to settle down and have a normal life again. I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with that but at the same time I see that it’s not what works today with Tinder and online dating. You have to be one of the guys who doesn’t care or you will just get your heart broken and pay for a lot of dates.

Les

Les,

This is an incredibly common sentiment. You are absolutely conditioned to believe that the end goal of a longterm relationship or marriage is a MUST HAVE for a complete life. Because of this mindset, you project a very NEEDY vibe to the world around you… and you get the predictable results (nothing). You’re right, maybe dating isn’t for you right now. With your current mindset, you will just dig a deeper and deeper hole that you won’t be able to escape from.

Take a timeout. Forget women. Forget relationships. It’s time to rebuild. Just like I said in the book. You’re a PROVIDER because you tell yourself you are. You then take that mentality out into the dating world and… lo and behold… the women you encounter all treat you like a Provider. They use you and discard you. You’re a quick and easy meal and shoulder to cry on. You’re not a sexy diversion or a real long-term romantic partner candidate.

Sorry to be blunt… but what the hell did you expect?

If I walk into the lion exhibit at a zoo with a hundred pounds of raw meat attached to my body, I have no room to complain about being eaten alive. It’s all my fault. Sure, I can complain that the lions should know better than to eat a man. After all, the human zookeepers take care of them and treat them well and make sure they’re healthy… so why on Earth would they eat a guy just because he’s covered in raw meat?

Same for you. Sure, you read my book and read my posts and see what lies ahead for the Provider in the modern day dating game… but you decide to play that game anyway because, hey, you’re just not cut out to be anything else.

Sorry to be blunt again… but that’s just complete bullshit.

These self-limiting behavior patterns are just going to leave you sexless, depressed, or worse… with a complete nutjob of a woman who has zero attraction to you but needs you for the resources you so gladly hand over. You will end up with your wife all over again. You do not want that. Even if you think for a moment that you do, YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.

You’re using your Provider title as a crutch. Every time you get that hint of social anxiety and fear about doing something different, you just say, “Welp… I guess I am a Provider after all!” Then you get mad at the Provider results. Then you go back to being Provider. Then you get angry about more Provider results. The cycle continues…

You can be whatever the hell you want to be in this life. That doesn’t mean changing your ways will be simple and you will feel great 24/7. Changing your line of thinking may take a good deal of work and it may feel like crap for a while. That’s ok. That’s called living life. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, as you have learned. The problem is that your current line of thinking is resulting in misery and continued misery into the foreseeable future. On the other hand, a big change in thinking and a lot of hard work will result, in the long run, in a much higher chance of personal fulfillment and happiness… but also inevitable short-term misery.

Take a timeout. Dating is not an option for you right now. Read the book again. Read it again. And again. Let in sink in. It hasn’t sunk in yet, but it will. Talk to guys in your shoes. Join the private Facebook group. You need to live what you learn. Don’t just take what’s there, ingest it, get pissed off, and then do nothing productive with it. That’s like shooting 1,000 jump shots a day, but never playing a game of basketball.

What you’re describing in your email is, in part, called being “vulnerable”.  If you want to be in any kind of meaningful relationship with another person, it will require vulnerability. You DO want to be an unselfish loving person to your partner, but at the same time, you want to build a framework of strength that can successfully put up boundaries, recognize when things go south, and be able to endure hardship when it smacks you upside the face.

Heartbreak happens. You learn to live with the loss like any other. You move on to the next chapter. Such is life.

Good luck, my friend.

DSO

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Dear DSO: “My friend says my wife is cheating…”

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO:

One of my best friends went through a really bad divorce about a year and a half ago. His wife had an affair with a guy from her work (she’s a nurse). Ever since then he’s been talking to me about how women cheat way more than we think and most of the women out there today are just like his ex-wife. I thought he sounded like a typical divorced woman hater so I didn’t let it bother me.  I understand he’s going through a lot of pain.

 

He told me that I really needed to read your site and listen to your podcast. I liked what I read and told him it all made sense and I’m here to help him out however I can, but he needs to go easy on reading so much because he’s going to go nuts and he’s starting to annoy everyone we hang out with. He told me that he wanted me to read your site because he thinks MY wife is cheating too. I told him he was full of shit and going too far. He started listing all the signs of a cheating wife that you outlined and yes… my wife does do some of those things. But doesn’t every wife?

 

My wife has been going out with her friends more. After our daughter turned 6 and started going to school, she felt like she could go back to her old self and start to party and have fun again. I am supportive of her and don’t see any problems with hanging out with friends. I know all her friends and they are all really good people. They’re not the type that would support her if she cheated on me. I’m very close to all of them and know all of their husbands and kids.

 

About six months ago she asked me about getting breast implants. She’s always hated her body after our daughter breast fed. I think she’s gorgeous, but her self-esteem problems have had an effect on our sex life. She doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and physical with me (in her words). She got the boob job and we are still paying for it. I thought the boob job would help fix things as far as sex goes but it didn’t. It hasn’t changed at all.

 

My wife has also become addicted to her phone and social media. She’s on it all day every day. She mostly does Instagram and Facebook but I also saw that she is on Snapchat. I don’t spy on her and don’t think any spouse should do that in a healthy relationship.

 

I would say that overall my wife has become more defensive and argumentative. Anything I bring up will usually end up in her getting pissed off. It’s now to the point where if it doesn’t involve her hanging out with friends then she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s very defensive and will say that she deserves to go out and have fun after being home with our kid for six years and basically raising her alone (I work a lot of hours and travel).

 

That’s it. From those things my friend is sure that my wife is cheating just like his ex did. The two of them were friends (and still are), and my wife probably knew about the affair of her friend. She says she didn’t but I find it hard to believe. 

 

What do you think? Is it fair to really judge people like this just based on a few things they do?

Brian

Brian,

Let’s recap:

  1. Your wife’s friend, your friend’s wife, had an affair. Your wife probably knew when this affair was going on, but never brought it up or did anything to stop it. In fact, they’re still friends after the truth came out. Not good.
  2. Your wife is now partying it up after enduring six years of being a stay-at-home mom.
  3. Your wife got a boob job to improve her self-image and, presumably, to get her more comfortable being physical with her husband again. Didn’t work. Not good.
  4. You’re in a dead bedroom marriage.
  5. She’s always on her phone.
  6. She’s always looking to start a fight.

So… do I think she’s cheating? No idea. Do I think she has laid the groundwork for what is a fertile affair-growing environment? Yep.

Her actions are bad news. They lead to one of two places:

  1. A bad marriage
  2. An affair

She’s acting like a brat. She’s rebelling. She’s bringing up the six years of being with your kid at home as reason enough for her to act in this way. Based on the tone of your email, I would assume that you have done little to nothing to put an end to the behavior. It may be too late at this point, but you need to do something if you want this marriage to continue.

Your friend is understandably emotional over his divorce. Men in his position found answers to some of his troublesome issues on my website, so he’s excited and trying to share “the gospel”. It’s not unlike the guy who found Jesus after going to rehab. It’s annoying to everyone around him, but you have to understand where he’s coming from. Finally, SOMEBODY connected the dots and made sense out of his turmoil-filled life. He has solutions. He sees a friend in danger, and he wants to throw you the rope to save you.

You may have caught your wife early on and you’re able to stop her from crossing the line into affair territory… or maybe not. Do I think you should spy on her? Yep. She’s your wife. Your lives are far too intertwined to just leave things to “trust”. Her actions have shown that there’s something to worry about. So… you investigate. Get her phone. Get into her social media accounts. Track her car. I have a feeling you’re going to be surprised at what you find… and not in a good way. These type of behaviors usually coincide with a lot of secrets. Not necessarily CHEATING, but secrets none the less. Not good for a marriage.

Good luck.

DSO

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Getting Fit – Part 2: Working Out

Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes

As I outlined in my first post, Getting Fit – Part 1: Diethow you look and feel is predominantly based on what you eat (along with your sleep habits). The remaining 10% is based on your level of activity. As they say, abs are made in the kitchen.

If you have a healthy eating plan in place and you are starting to feel and look better, it’s now time to put on some muscle and work on your cardiovascular fitness.

Do you need to belong to a gym to get fit? No. Does it help? Yes. Going to a gym accomplishes a few things:

  1. Gives you access to a wide variety of equipment for a low monthly cost.
  2. Gives you the motivation to do a proper workout. You’re already there, so you might as well do the work you came to do. People are watching, so you can’t look like a total loser and just leave after ten minutes on the treadmill.
  3. You get help from others that are there. It puts you in touch with a group of people that are all there to get better.

But, there are also benefits to working out at home:

  1. Workout anytime you want. No need to get dressed, jump in the car, and drive across town.
  2. You save money.

My advice: DO BOTH.

I belong to a 24-hour gym that is, luckily, 2 minutes from my front door. That is my main workout spot. They have all the free weights, kettlebells, and machines that I like to use. If for some reason I can’t get to the gym (work schedule, kids, etc), I have some things at home I can do.  I have a heavy bag I can beat the shit out of, resistance bands, a kettlebell, a jump rope, and a basketball goal outside. I also have a big open area in the basement and a laptop I can use to follow along with yoga Youtube videos (usually the ones with the prettiest instructor… I’m looking at you, Ms. Adrien).

So what exactly do I do for workouts? Well, twenty-year-old me would’ve answered that by saying, “Weights. Lots of weights. Often. Oh, and basketball.” Twenty-year-old me was also in tremendous physical shape. He ate a shit ton of food (thank you all-you-can-eat cafeteria) and worked out like a demon. He wasted those good looks, youth and six-pack abs on a not-so-good-looking girlfriend that he would later marry and find out she was a horrible fat cheater. But, I digress…

Today, in my 40’s, I approach things a little differently. My workout schedule is not as regimented. I still do quite a bit, but I’m more careful. My workout week has changed quite a bit. A typical week may look like this:

Monday: Cardio for 30 minutes (stair master or elliptical). Full body warm-up routine.  Dumbbell Bench Press, cable flyes, Dips, tricep pull-downs with rope, kettlebell swings, battle ropes, stretches.

Tuesday: Cardio for 30 minutes (stair master or elliptical). Full body warm-up routine. Kettlebell Goblet Squats, Kettlebell swings, medicine ball leg curls, leg extensions, abs, stretches

Wednesday: Yoga, abs, basketball.

Thursday: Cardio for 30 minutes (stair master or elliptical). Full body warm-up routine. Static hold pull-ups, hammer strength rows, seated cable rows, barbell curls, hammer curls, battle ropes, Stretches.

Friday: Cardio for 30 minutes (stair master or elliptical). Full body warm-up routine. Dumbbell push presses, dumbell clean and press, lateral raises, face pulls, battle ropes,

Saturday: Stay home. Do 100 push ups, abs, squats, lunges, yoga, stretches

Sunday: Rest

That’s my general routine. I mix up the exercises all the time. I hit the same muscle groups, just in a new way each week… rotating between a few different exercises.  I do still follow the standard “bodybuilder split” workout routine. I focus on chest and triceps one day, then legs, then back and biceps, then shoulders. There’s really no science behind it. It’s just a weight lifting philosophy I have followed for years and I like it. Some people get away with three full-body workouts per week. I like to go to the gym and pump iron, so I like to do a split routine and go more often. Both a split routine and a full-body regimen work fine for building your body.

My workouts are still predominantly weights, but I throw in some “high-intensity cardio” type of things, like battle ropes and kettlebells. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I also throw in stretches, a lengthy warm-up routine, and cardio every session. It’s important I keep limber and warmed up and ready to go, trying to avoid injury. I do stretches AFTER working out (never before)… sometimes later in the day at home.

This is MY routine that works for me. YOUR routine that works for you could be completely different. You could be the type of guy that likes to throw on the running shoes and hit the road for a couple of hours. Maybe you like to do a martial art, or even some wall climbing. Whatever your IT is, you gotta find it and do it.

Yes, overtraining is a very real thing. In this day and age of “work work work”, you can easily eat a shitty diet and not get enough sleep. Try to do my workout plan on a shitty diet and no sleep. You’ll get burned out in no time. You’ll get ill. You’ll get injuries. Your body will be telling you to slow the F down. If you don’t listen to your body, you may end up blowing out a knee or something REALLY bad like Rhabdomyolysis.

If you’re a competitive TYPE A kind of a guy, hitting the gym can become addictive. You see the results. Women look at you. You feel amazing. So, you bump up the intensity a bit. That’s when the problems can happen for the older guys. If you find yourself extremely sore, tired, worn out, sickly (fluish), dreading your next workout… back off. You’re not in the Olympics. You’re not going to be on the cover of a magazine anytime soon. You just want to look decent and keep going at it again and again. Consistency is key. You can’t be consistent if you are injured or sick.

Let’s say I want to get better at pull-ups, so I come up with the goal of this week doing 100 of them (total for the week – 7 days). The first day I do a really hard set of 15 pull-ups… to complete failure. The last rep takes every last bit of energy I have to do. Totally drained. Rest a bit. Jump back up and get five more. Feel like I’m going to die. Rest a bit. Get three more. Rest. Then one more. That’s a total of 24 for the day. The next day I’m way too tired and sore, but I still go. I get five pull-ups in my first set. Then I get three. And then another one. Totally drained and out of time. It took a lot of rest to get that last one. Back and arms are killing me. Done for the session. That’s 10 for the session… up to 34 total by day two. Day three requires rest.  I have three more days to go to get 66 more pull-ups. At this pace… that’s not happening.

An alternative plan may be to bang out five quick pull-ups. Rest. Do another five. Rest. Do another five. Rest more. Do another five.  Go home. That’s 20 total for the day. By the next day, you are rested enough and think you can do the same routine again. You bang out another 20. It was a little tougher than the day before, so you rest on day three. On day four you do the same 5-5-5-5 routine. Now you’re up to 60 on day four. Day five you do the same. Now you’re up to 80. Day six you rest. Day seven you bang out the last 20 with ease. That’s 100 total pull-ups. Goal accomplished… and with gas left in the tank.

Americans tend to have a “balls to the wall” go all-out mentality when it comes to just about everything physical. We had to learn a thing or two from our Eastern European counterparts who used to routinely beat the pants off of us Olympic sports like wrestling. Their secret? They wouldn’t go all out all the time in training. They concentrated on volume and repetition. Their practices weren’t completely draining hell sessions of sweat and agony. They DID have scheduled high-intensity training sessions, but those weren’t the norm. They saw the benefit of leaving some gas in the tank and getting in as many training sessions as possible so that their wrestlers were skilled and ready for the Olympics when the time came. Their athletes had a ton more mat time under their belt when it came to the day competition. If you want to get better at wrestling, you wrestle more. You can’t do that if you’re sick or nursing an injury.

Get to it. Choose a workout plan and stick to it. Give it three months to become a habit. Keep doing it. Mix it up. Back off when you need to. Get help. 

Yours Truly

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Seven Signs That Your Wife is Cheating

Estimated Reading Time: 10 minutes

As I outlined in “My Wife Wouldn’t Do That” , there is a phenomenon of bewildered and shocked men that just CANNOT believe their wife would be capable of doing awful things like committing infidelity. Even when presented with ongoing warning signs and conclusive evidence of wrongdoing,  men deny and rationalize any bad behavior from their wife. “No sir. Not my wife. Nope.”

These warning signs of a cheating wife are so damn common that every man early in life should be handed a pamphlet titled, “HOW TO TELL YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR”.  The more we teach our sons these valuable life skills, the more likely they are to keep their girlfriends and wives off the proverbial pedestal and treat them with the same cautious optimism they give to every other human in their life.

Why are men so blind to the obvious?

We think like MEN. We have a hard time thinking like women. It’s an entire perspective on life that we don’t really have a very good grasp of. When we think of cheating, we think of it as a guy.

As guys, we are biologically programmed to be polygamous. We physically want lots of different women (See: pornography, strip clubs, creepily staring at women, etc.). When us good guys are happy and comfortable in a relationship (especially after having kids), we may not be able to completely turn OFF that urge for other women, but we can set it aside and prop up the other needs in our life. We turn the “raging horny sex machine” dial down to a 4 and turn up the “nice guy dad” dial all the way up to a 10.

For most of us, NOT getting lots of different women in bed is not an intense struggle that we must battle with on a daily basis. It’s not a huge deal. If we are doing our job right as a husband, we’re getting plenty of intimacy from our wife. Still not enough? In a sexless marriage? Well… that’s why we have all those outlets for our male libido.

So, when we good guys think of cheating… we frame it from our perspective. We think that cheating is a result of the strong biological urge that we, as good guys, are able to temper and fulfill in other ways. From our years with our wife, it is safe to say that our own libido easily outpaces hers. Since we are able to fight such an admittedly strong urge, surely she can fight an urge that seemed to go dormant for weeks or months or years at a time.

Her affair is not so simple.

What men fail to realize is that the wife’s affair is not just a matter of, “I’m tired of the same penis and need something new”. It’s not something that could have been resolved with Pornhub, a little privacy and five minutes during a lunch break.

Her affair is a huge life-changing event that not only calls into question all aspects of her personal relationship with you but also her overall purpose as a woman on this planet. The affair will elicit extreme waves of emotion that we, as men, can’t conceive of. It’s an existential crisis of gargantuan proportions.

As a result, she will seem to morph into a new human being right before your eyes.

This isn’t just your wife going out and getting a piece on the side. This affair was the result of a little chink in your wife’s armor (lack of boundaries) that eventually resulted in physical bonding with another man. That, in turn, caused a tidal wave of changes in her entire being. Nature took over at that point.

This person isn’t your wife at all anymore. Your wife died the moment she had sexual relations with another man. Saying she went through a metamorphosis is not strong enough language. You now have a stranger living with you.

Since you now have this strange person sitting in your living room, you start noticing all new behaviors. It’s kind of like when you first make a new friend and start hanging out with them for long periods of time. All of their unique flaws, habits, and eccentricities take center stage.

Your spouse’s new role as “adulterous wife” brings with it a whole new set of predictable behavior.

We know what she’s going to do… because they all do it! She’s not special. She’s a cheating wife.

Before we get started with the list…

One thing that I have to mention: Many adulterous wives begin cheating after some kind of stressful, life-altering event has taken place. This could be something as serious as a miscarriage, death of a parent, or major health scare…  or something as innocuous as a job promotion. That life event was enough to flip a switch in her brain and cause the boundaries to collapse and allow in one (or more) of the multitudes of men ready and willing to take her to bed.

So, if any of the below sound familiar to you AND you just endured some type of life-changing event, then I believe that it’s time to be worried.

1. She Spends More Time Away From You and the Family

While I contend that the wife you know and love has “died”, there is still a small part of the old her lurking in there somewhere… under a giant pile of all those new feelings she now has overwhelming her psyche. Every time she sets foot in the house, looks at you, hugs your kid, pets the dog… that little piece of the old her that is buried so deep starts to squirm a little. This is extremely unsettling for her. She is happiest in her new role with her new affair partner, and doesn’t want to go back to the old unhappy her.

How can she best deal with this battle going on inside her brain? She needs to get away from the family and everything associated with the old her as much as possible. She may “walk away” completely, but you typically see more time at the “gym” or “work” or the typical “girls night out” with friends (these are all covers for wild monkey sex with her new boyfriend).

When she’s away from the family unit and with her new man, that completely silences the old her that is buried so deep. This feels beyond amazing. Heroin and alcohol have nothing on this feeling. This is that coveted “New Relationship Energy” you read so much about. Actually, you can call it SUPER New Relationship Energy… because it’s the newness of a relationship combined with the secret, dirty, forbidden nature of the affair. She will do whatever she can to keep it up. She can’t do that when you and the kids are right in her face.

What if she can’t physically get away from you? Well, then she will have to mentally withdraw. She will spend way more time on her phone. Social media, text messaging, etc… They all give her the validation and attention she needs to not only escape from the real world but to also confirm that what she is doing is the right thing. Every little change she makes to herself will be documented and shared online. She will gladly show off the weight loss, the new hair, the tattoo, and the new little nose piercing. The response will be overwhelmingly positive. “You go, girl!” To her, all of these new things she is doing and her affair are all part of her personal reawakening. They are part of a new and BETTER version of her. In her affair-fogged mind, if her friends on Facebook say that they like her new tattoo, then that means they like EVERYTHING else about her new life… therefore the whole affair and crazy behavior that goes with it is perfectly justified and was meant to be.

Yes, women in affairs are completely crazy.

2. She Suddenly Looks and Acts Younger

When the wife is having an affair, she is in the early stages of the mating game. She is restarting the clock and going back into “secure new mate” mode. That means projecting the most attractive version of herself possible. This will involve weight loss and probably dressing younger and more provocatively (because youth wins in the mating game). She’s simply trying to impress the new man and get him to settle down with her and only her. It’s biological. It’s very predictable. All women do this early on in relationships when they deem their man worthy of the extra time and work. They look their best, act younger and are more sexual.

What you’re witnessing is what your wife did with you early in your own relationship (hopefully). You just forgot what it looked like.

3. Random Thoughts Leaking Out of her Brain

Cheating women have a hard time keeping their secrets to themselves. Whether it’s due to a subconscious desire to spill the beans or the love-chemicals fogging their brain, they just can’t keep the cat in the bag for very long. If your ears are finely tuned to picking up the signals, you can hear some tell-tale phrases or questions that should have you concerned. Usually, they come at the most random moments with little to no context.

“I would never have an open relationship. Would you?”

“Tina at work is having an affair.”

“If you were to ever cheat on me, I would chop off your balls.”

Who are you texting? What are you talking about?”

“Why did you come home from work late? You usually get home 10 minutes earlier.”

“I bet you wish you could have other women. You’ve probably cheated on me in the past… like when I was fat and pregnant.”

“Have you heard about being Polyamorous?”

The cheating wife’s Tourrettes-like outbursts are sometimes a form of projection.  She doesn’t realize that you’re not in her brain hearing her thoughts, so when she randomly says “I would never have an open relationship” while you’re at your son’s soccer practice, she’s letting some the cognitive dissonance steam out of the pressure cooker in her head.  It’s kind of like the woman who declares on the first date, “We’re not having sex tonight! Just so you know!” as you are buying popcorn at the movies. You were just thinking about whether or not to also get M&M’s, and she’s thinking about you two having sex. This means she’s thinking about sex with you, and you will most likely have sex with her that night.

4. She is Suddenly More Sexual and Experimental

The cold and frigid wife who used to cringe when talking about oral sex is now suddenly wearing crotchless underwear and asks you if you’d like to try anal sex.

WOW!” most men say. “My cold and frigid wife finally got turned on! This is great!”

No, your wife misses her new man and is going to play pretend with you. You’re essentially a sex toy. Oh, she’s turned on, alright… just not by you. She will shut her eyes and imagine that it’s him doing those things to her. At the same time, she’s also trying new things out on you before doing them with her new man.  She may even say something obvious like, “What does my butt look like from THIS angle? Not too fat?” or “Do you like it when I do THIS or THIS better?” or “Should I shave completely or leave some of it?”

For betrayed men, this is a very brutal time. They were sure that these moments represented true lust and attraction from their wife (towards them)… when in fact it was just the opposite.

5. She Needs Space

I’m reminded of the story of the soldier who is off to war in Iraq, burning up in a tent in the middle of the desert. He gets the typical “Dear John” letter from his woman back home. “I need space, she says. “Space? I’m thousands of miles away in Iraq! How much more space does she need?!” he screams.

“I need space” = You are no longer a couple. The emotional and physical jump from you to the new man is most likely complete.

She now feels comfortable enough to completely detach from you and attach to her new mate. She no longer needs the home base to return back to. She was testing things out for a while, feeling the emotions, figuring out the logistics of living on her own… and finally made the giant mental leap to the new man. By this stage, she has already opened a new bank account, called up the cosmetic surgeon, met with the attorney and discussed the big life move with her friends.

You will most likely be completely oblivious to all this until it is too late.

6. She Rewrites History

While she is in the process of detaching from you, one thought is paramount: “What will everyone think of me?” Her social status is of the utmost importance. She can’t simply tell friends, “Oh, I left him because I fell for another dude that I think is way better.” No, she needs to come up with reasons that nobody can argue with.

“He peed on the toilet sometimes” and “He wasn’t good at doing laundry” or “He was just too nice and boring” aren’t enough to warrant the breakup of a family, so… it’s time to make up some stuff! Whatever it takes to make her the victim and justified in her actions, even if that means completely making up stories with no basis in truth, she will do it. Sometimes those stories can send a man to a police station for questioning, or worse.

That may mean saying these made up stories right to your face. Let that sink in. She will make up stories about your relationship… to you. The guy she had the relationship with.

If she can lie directly to YOUR face, just think what she is saying to others behind your back.

I shared the time that my ex said to me, You never support me in anything I do! You made me take this job!” after I told her that maybe she was leaving me alone with the kids and going out with friends too often. I was completely shocked. It made zero sense at the time. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s much easier to leave a tyrant than to leave a nice guy. Not a tyrant? She’ll just pretend that you are! That’ll do the trick.

7. She Lies About Everything.

With such an intense life-altering experience comes a very foggy mind that just can’t keep straight what is reality and what is a lie. She’s filled with anxiety, joy, lustfulness, sadness, depression… all these ingredients that make up the uniquely awful thing that is the mind of the wayward wife. Considering the turmoil in her brain, it’s no wonder that every little word coming out of her mouth must be scrutinized. “Believe what she does, not what she says” people will often tell you. So true.

More succinctly: She’s an addict. Addicts are liars.

Even the most mundane and innocent details of her life will not add up. It’s almost as if she’s thinking, “It’s so tough to keep straight all these things in my head, I might as well default to lying. It’s just so much easier… and safer.”

Let’s say you asked her if she stopped and bought milk on the way home. If she says yes, you immediately run to the store to pick up a gallon or your kids won’t have cereal in the morning. “Did you pay the utility bill?” “Yep!” she says. You better check to make sure it’s paid or your lights will get turned off.

“I don’t get it. Why did she lie about THAT?” – Every man with a cheating wife.

Don’t try to make sense of it all. Just realize that all of these things are typical cheating wife behaviors. They all point to a clouded mind, intense emotions and physical/mental metamorphosis. This is usually very bad news for you.

Recommended Reading

DSO’s Relationship Rules

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

  1.  Baggage matters. Don’t underestimate the impact of your mate’s childhood on her present-day self. It matters. A lot. Same goes for you. Don’t just gloss over past sexual abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, abusive relationships, etc. If the person you are partnering with hasn’t handled these issues in a healthy and productive manner, they will bubble up at a later time and take you and everyone around you down.
  2.  She’s not perfect. She’s flawed. She’s capable of awfulness. She’s human. Stop treating her like royalty. Treat her with the same guarded optimism you give to the men in your life. Trust, but verify.
  3.  Don’t rely on your mate for your sense of self. They will resent you for it, and rightly so. Put up boundaries between you and them. Be an individual. Let them be an individual. Come together as a team. If they fall, they fall… and you’re strong enough to move on without them.
  4.  Have principles. Stick to them. You know what is right and wrong. You know what you believe in. You know what you will put up with. STICK TO IT. I know she may be great in the sack and make you feel like a million bucks, but you need to be a man of character. A man of integrity. A man of substance. Don’t throw all that out for some woman who gives you butterflies.
  5. Be the rock. Yes, you must show vulnerability to be in a healthy relationship but realize that the more you veer from the path of being the strong oak, the more she will resent you. It’s a delicate balancing game. Be open and true with your feelings, but do so in a strong manner that emphasizes your ability to weather the storm. Show her that she can count on her man.
  6. Looks matter. Women find 80% of available men to be unattractive. Always strive to be in the top 20%. Hit the gym. Dress well. Do it for yourself. Have some self-respect.
  7. Be both the Lover and the provider. Err more on the Lover side. Every nice guy can play the part of the Provider, only a few can successfully play the Lover role. The typical loser Lover can easily gain the affection of the best Provider’s wife. The Provider is no match for the Lover when it comes to the mating game
  8. Don’t ever feel pressured to settle down. There is no hurry. You have no biological clock. Don’t listen to the common shaming tactics. If you’re going to be in a relationship, do it right. Take your time. Date lots of women, because the vast majority you meet will not be longterm relationship worthy.
  9. Comfort and familiarity kill a woman’s sex drive. Women get bored in marriages, way more so than men. Keep her interested. Be a guy other women would gladly fool around with. Don’t castrate yourself and try to nice your way into your wife’s heart. It doesn’t work.
  10. Marry a woman that doesn’t need your money. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a financial disaster. Two strong individuals make a good partnership, and that’s true when it comes to money, as well. In today’s day and age, it’s way too easy for a woman to suddenly leave her husband and take half his assets and a steady diet of child support and alimony. If she’s not gainfully employed, she’s a good girlfriend candidate at best… not a wife.
  11. You don’t NEED to be in a serious longterm relationship. The more you feel you need it, the more likely you are to end in a disaster. Your neediness will just attract all kinds of trouble… and there is A LOT of trouble out there.