Lovers vs. Provider …. Alphas vs. Betas

In internet parlance, “Alpha” is an overused term meaning “A manly dude who doesn’t take shit from anybody and is successful in health, work, sex, etc.” You know… a “real man”.

“Beta” on the other hand, is the weak-willed guy who is very needy and succumbs to the demands of those around him. He is used. You know… a “pussy”.

You’ll often read of desperate guys asking “Is it Alpha if I give my three time cheating wife another chance?” or “Listen to this story of my poor Beta brother-in-law.” It’s all a little silly and way overdone, but I get the need for it. Guys compare notes. We like to break things down into digestible chunks. Alphas don’t do this, and Betas do that. Got it.

There’s a saying I particularly like and can say with confidence it rings true on many different levels:

Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks

Translation: The manly dude gets sex and short-term fun. The pussified guy gets to be Provider and play husband.

I like to use the terms “Lover” and “Provider”, instead. More descriptive.

There is story after story of a guy who has a wife he deeply loves and cherishes… considers her his best friend. Their sex life? Meh… so-so. She often says she doesn’t like oral sex all that much, not really into kinky stuff, and anal is COMPLETELY off the table. Nobody really does that, sweetie. That’s for porn. Speaking of porn… she says it’s for degenerates. He watches way too much of it.

Fast forward to the fateful day when he was going through old files in the attic, or cleaning out the old computer.. and he finds videos, photos or a diary of his wife’s. He learns what a lot of guys in his position learn: His wife used to be way over-the-top sexual… Before she met him. To quote a guy with such a story: “Great. I married a slut that fucks like a prude.”

In relationship-oriented sites and forums, some variation of the story is VERY common (after all… most guys that are on those sites have been badly hurt by women). The nice guy getting ho-hum sex discovers that his wife used to do all the things he has suggested for the past X years.

Oddly, the majority of responses and comments on such stories are usually “Yeah… she used to do those things. Now she doesn’t. She grew out of that phase and chose YOU as her husband. Just be happy.  Stop judging her on her past. You have no RIGHT to demand she does those things again with you. That is up to her.”

There’s bullshit in that response and truth. The truth: “You don’t have the right to demand these things.” Very true. It’s her body and her mind and if she wants to do certain things with you, she will. Sorry if that makes you feel unmanly and unvalidated, but that’s your problem, not hers.

Where they get it wrong: She didn’t grow out of that phase. It’s not a phase at all. It’s a state of mind that you’re just not bringing it out of her. She’s still a sexual human being.

You’re her Provider.

She may not have verbalized it, but she pegged you RIGHT AWAY as a Provider. You are a good long-term kinda guy. You’re the guy you bring home to mom. You’re the guy you raise kids with. You’re the guy you get COMFORTABLE with. Unfortunately, comfort does NOT equal desire, as Esther Perel so eloquently captured in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

If you asked 100 married guys, 99 of them would be completely cool with being pegged as the comfortable family guy. That’s what we all want! That’s exactly what our grandparents had! BUT… ask those same 100 guys, “Okay, you’re the comfortable provider family guy… but that also means your wife doesn’t have sexual desire for you like you think she does. She actually fantasizes about other guys. A lot. She used to date them and had wild sex with them and never told you about it. She did all that stuff with them she refuses to do with you. Now how do you feel?” That “completely cool with it” number went from 99 guys to 2.

Women innately know this. This is why we have the “divide by three” rule.  She knows her faithful Provider will be really hurt if he knows she banged 67 guys before they met. She knows it will knock her right off the perfect pedestal he put her on in his mind, and he will start looking at her as more of a sexual creature. She doesn’t want that. She needs him to remain right in the comfortable Provider role. That’s where he does his best work. If that means lying for life, then so be it.

Should you be the Lover or the Provider? Be Both.

A good guy should be the embodiment of both Lover and Provider.  Be the great dad.  Be the foundation. Be the guy who looks good with a tight shirt on. Be the guy who slams her up against the wall and fucks her brains out without asking, “Is this okay?” every five minutes. Be the guy who doesn’t take shit from her or anybody.

In other words…  be the guy who fulfills her needs.

Women are human. They have needs. They have desires. They want sex just like you do. They want eroticism. They want passion. They just might not want it from YOU.


I think where a lot of the internet writings go wrong is the emphasis on the alpha Lover. It’s sexy and attractive to want to play the he-man role and fuck as many young women as possible, but it has limits. Going too much in that direction can lead to a lot of damaged women and a guy who finally says, “Ok, now what?” after banging his 300th co-ed. Life ain’t all about pussy, Lover boy.

Life is more than Lover and Provider. Life is getting the best of both. Black and White. The Yin and Yang.  Where we men go wrong is that many of us naturally err on the side of comfort and love. We see where that gets us, we wake up, and we SWING that pendulum to the other side as far as we can. Also bad.

We need to find the grey area. That’s the sweet spot.

It ain’t easy, friends. Nothing in life ever is. Balance in all things.


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