I get tens of thousands of visitors to my website every month. I have about 28,000 likes and followers on my Facebook page and about 7,000 members in the two private Facebook groups. The numbers keep going up every single day. The topics brought up in emails and Facebook posts cover everything from narcissistic ex-wives, cheating, child custody issues, physical and verbal abuse, divorce costs, dead bedrooms…. You name it, and it’s discussed every single day.
Eventually, and at no surprise to anybody paying attention, some guy will post something along the lines of, “Ummm… are ALL women like this?” This is invariably when the chorus of broken dudes will chime in with “YES!!” or “MGTOW!”… some variation of the theme of, “Fuck these women they are all the same”.
I get it. I went through this phase myself. It’s perfectly natural.
What you’re seeing is a very predictable and very real emotional response. These men had their entire worldview flipped upside down. It’s as dramatic as if I told you that we all live inside a giant computer simulation being run by alien beings. Everything you thought was true is now false. Then chaos breaks out, you’re left with sadness and extreme anger. Confusion. “What do I do now?!”
Contrary to what many women may think, yes… men do put women on a pedestal. So many men put their wives and girlfriends at a better-than-human status that they can’t possibly ever live up to. This sets them up for the worst relationship failures. After all, most women you encounter when single will NOT be long-term relationship material. Not even close. Most aren’t worthy of having lunch with, let alone attempting a romantic relationship.
I’ve heard the worst of the worst horror stories from men in awful abusive relationships that end in infidelity and crippling divorces. When you start breaking down the stories, there were abundant red flags throughout the early days of the relationship. The man takes in the woman’s illegitimate kid and raises as his own, he helps her with debts, he buys her everything under the sun, he marries her, he ignores the late-night partying, he ignores the promiscuous past, he ignores her awful childhood, he ignores (insert numerous red flags here)… and all because he was madly in love. He gave the woman EVERY excuse in the book. Even when presented with obvious evidence of wrongdoing, the man will keep changing the rules so that she retains the crown of perfection he put on her head so many years ago.
I often snoop on a reader’s Facebook page. It gives me a good insight into who exactly it is I’m talking to. I take one look at their “best friend” of a wife who “out of nowhere” went crazy and left him… and you can quite literally smell the crazy just by looking at their family photos. She’s usually grossly ovverweight, angry, looks like she just gave up on life, wants to shove a fork in her husband’s eye, displaying narcissistic behavior, posting questionable things… and yet the man “never saw it coming”. It’s as if he was under a spell. When you peel back the layers of the onion, you learn that all of this denial on his part was done in an effort to provide for the family, keep the peace, not rock the boat, and be a “good husband”.
Men are blinded by love and lust. It’s no secret. Countless men are nursing beers at a bar right now telling their friends, “Man… she was my everything. She was so perfect. I don’t get it, man” while his friend holds back laughter thinking about how his this “dream woman” was forty pounds overweight and had three kids by three different guys before meeting his buddy.
I often like to talk about the two different kinds of men: Lovers and Providers. The Lover gets to have all the fun and sexy time with the woman, and the Provider gets to play the savior and help take care of kids. The Lover may be a complete loser and have zero long-term relationship skills, but there’s something about the guy that allows him to have a conga line of women showing up at his door just to spend a few hours of fun with him. He’s got that indescribable IT factor that every man wishes he had. He can make all kinds of mistakes in life… he can disappoint his family… he can be in an out of jail… but hey, the guy gets laid. Even when in prison, he’s probably banging the female guards.
Does this Lover/Provider dynamic apply to the world of women? In a way, yeah. You can think of ALL women as Lovers. They are so worshipped and so sought after, men will gladly ignore all the signs that say, “Run for your life!” The natural drive to procreate and have sex with a woman (thank you Testosterone) combined with a societal narrative of, “All women are delicate creatures that need to be handled with care… and that means looking the other way when things go crazy”, PLUS the natural drive and societal pressure to provide and protect… and holy shit do men put themselves in awful life positions. It’s so bad that it’s gotten to the point where I’m surprised when a relationship DOESN’T go south in a hurry.
Enter the victim mentality
The problem is men love to pat themselves on the back for “doing the right thing” in the relationship yet still get screwed over again and again. Much like the modern-day feminist movement, the men fall all over themselves trying to out-victim each other. “It’s the women! They’re all hypergamy-driven narcissistic sluts!”
No, sunshine… it’s you.
Yeah, I know… you don’t want to hear it. The world has F’d you over. It’s not your fault. You were taken advantage of. It’s a conspiracy against men. “We’re all better off just sticking to porn and watching football!” You go ahead and do that, Captain MGTOW. The rest of us will get laid.
How are YOU to blame for your life situation? At the VERY least, you played the part of the typical love-struck man and covered your eyes and ears when all the red flags presented themselves. You probably went out in the dating world with your “I’M A GREAT PROVIDER” suit of raw meat on… and yet were surprised when all the sharks came around for the feeding frenzy. You played the game wrong every single step of the way, and you’re pissed off that you lost. Hell, you didn’t even know there was a game going on. You bought into the Disney fantasy of “One true love that will conquer all with no effort”.
Let’s look at this from a different angle…
My oldest son LOVES basketball. Eats, sleeps and breathes the game. If you watch him in the driveway doing his little drills by himself, you would say, “Damn… the little dude is pretty good.” He is part of the middle school team… and he doesn’t get to play very much. When he gets in the game, he usually just goes to an open spot on the floor and calls for the ball. He hits one or two shots a game, usually. That’s the extent of his game. Nothing else. Consequently, he doesn’t get the ball very much. All those fancy ball-handling moves trying to emulate James Harden in the driveway aren’t put to use in the game. He never drives to the basket. He turns into Mr. Spot Up Shooter and totally forgets everything he practiced for hours and hours at home.
When he steps off the court, he’s pouting. All the dreams he had for scoring twenty points a game and leading his team to victory are squashed. Whose fault is it? If you ask him, it’s the coach for not giving him enough time on the floor. It’s his teammates for not passing him the ball. I’m the first to put those little thoughts to rest. “Nope. You need to become an undeniably good player. Right now, you’re just showing that you are a spot-up shooter who hits a couple of threes per game. If you want to be James Harden, you gotta do what James Harden does. You need to work on your ball handling and put it to use in an actual game. Drive to the basket. Get assists. Create shots. Make mistakes.. learn… and try to get better the next game. You gotta live in reality, not what SHOULD be. The reality is that they need more out of you if you want more playing time.”
For a lot of you guys, the coach is life. He just benched you. Your spot-up shooting ain’t enough. That’s not how you win games. It ain’t his fault you didn’t put your driveway skills to use in the game. So, now what do you do? Hang up the sneakers and proclaim you’re just too slow for the game and everyone is out to screw you over anyway?
“Nobody Ever Taught Me the Truth About Women.”
I hear some semblance of this a lot. Men blame their lack of a stable father figure or their single mom who poisoned them with “feminist” thought patterns. Yeah, I get it… but there’s also some bullshit there. You can’t say you were completely ignorant about the realities of “crazy”. You’ve been shown what “crazy” is your whole life. You just ignored it when it came to settling down with a woman. We all know crazy men. We all know evil men. I could rattle off six guys I’ve known who cheated on their wife. I know of men who killed other men. Murderers! Guess what…. Women are no different. They’re human. They’re capable of awfulness. REALLY bad stuff. Like “Have a baby with you, accuse you of abuse, take all your money and screw the neighbor” level of awfulness.
This relationship game takes a whole lot of wisdom and know-how to navigate properly. It takes some street smarts, some book smarts, some social intelligence, some “game” and some charisma. It’s not for everybody, as popular culture would lead us to believe. Many of us would be better off having a series of casual fun relationships. Bachelorhood. Nothing wrong with that. Many of us have a great deal of personal baggage that we need to deal with before we bring another human into our world. To ignore these truths brings a whole lot of pain into the lives of everyone around you. When you have kids (which happens more often than not) you’re just continuing the legacy of brokenness for future generations. Congratulations.
Stop blaming women. Stop with the MGTOW and Hypergamy and everything else. What, a woman’s love is actually conditional? She wants the best man she can get? Wow… maybe you could learn something from her. Perhaps you shouldn’t settle for the first woman that shows you attention and makes you feel great. Perhaps you shouldn’t hide behind the wall of “nice guy” behavior and pretend you’re doing the “right” thing. Perhaps you shouldn’t cave to the social pressure to “settle down” before you’ve fully matured into a complete man. Maybe being a single guy that dates around is not such a bad thing after all. Who gives a shit what all the other people think? Are they in awesome rewarding relationships? Probably not. Fuck em.
You need to treat women with the same level of rational skepticism that you apply to the men in your life. Finding that special somebody is a one in a million chance that requires you to take your time and do it right. For all you guys who fell in love one month after your wife left and you can’t believe you met your soul mate so soon… wake up. Take the rose-colored glasses off. She’s a flawed human. She could very well destroy your world as you know it. Take your time. Be careful. Take a deep long look at yourself.