Interview with Dr. Robert Glover

Estimated Reading Time: 27 minutes

I had the privilege of sitting with Dr. Robert Glover, famed author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and most recently “Dating Essentials for Men. The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need” which is now available as a Kindle download on Amazon. We chatted for an hour about all things dating and relationships. It was a great opportunity for me to talk to one of the biggest figures in the industry and author of the #1 book I recommend to my readers. He has a wealth of knowledge and experience that all of us can benefit from.

DSO: Readers of No More Mr. Nice Guy and visitors to my site…they often ask me the same question: “When do you know you’re ready to date?” I have to say to them,  “I’m sorry.  I don’t have the answer to that… you’ll just KNOW”. 

Dr. Glover: You’re right. I asked that same question. You’re right, you do get a sense of it and you can’t really predict it. But for me, when I ended my second marriage, it meant I’d been married about a total of 25 years to my first two wives. When I got out of my second marriage, we had a lot of struggles. I stayed way too long and when I got out I was tired. I was just tired of the heavy lifting. I was just tired and I didn’t want to listen to another woman talk about her problems. I just had no interest. 

So, my book was about to come out and I dove into my work… and I’d say for six months after moving on from my second wife, I didn’t even want to talk to women. It just had no appeal to me whatsoever. I noticed maybe a woman checking me out and I think, “Oh, that woman’s checking me out. Oh, that means I’m going to have to talk to her. I’m not interested.” I was just really worn out and I wasn’t looking for “Okay, when’s the right time?”. I just kind of got busy taking care of what I needed to do.  My son and stepson were seniors in high school and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with them. I just took care of business. 

Probably about six to eight months after we split, I went on my book tour for the launch of No more Mr. Nice Guy. While on the book tour, I just happened to start up a conversation with a woman in a bar at happy hour, we clicked, and we ended up having sex together. Then, in another city, again having dinner in a bar, I talk to another woman and we exchanged information. About a month later, I started dating her for about 2 or 3 months, long-distance, and would see each other about once a month… and that kind of made me realize, “Okay, I’m ready.” Then I thought, “Okay, I’m going to get online and start trying online dating. I’m going to start just being more conscious about this whole dating process.” I had no idea how long that was going to be. But for me, it was about six to eight months after I split until a situation presented itself and I walked through that door. I expect that’s probably true for a lot of guys. 

Actually, I would be a little bit concerned about guys that got out of a relationship, especially one that maybe was a little bit traumatic, and just immediately wanted to dive into another relationship. I tell guys to give yourself some time. You know, six months isn’t that long. For six months, just go work on you. Take care of business. Maybe go get a coach or a therapist. Join a men’s group. Do something to start making YOU a priority without trying to seek out or please the feminine. Just get your nerves settled and then spend more time thinking about what is it that you want as you move forward. I know when I got out of my second marriage, I thought man, you know, if I’m gonna have anything different I’m going to have to work at becoming a better picker and I’m gonna have to work at being a better ender. So I made a very conscious process to learn how to date with the idea of learning how to choose good women and also with the idea of learning how to how to end things quickly if this was not a woman that I had a long-term interest in.

DSO: I call the man that you want to become the “Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man”. The Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man is not afraid to pull the ripcord and say, “You know, I appreciate your time, sweetie, this has been great. But I just don’t think this is gonna work out”. There are a lot of men that, oh boy, that is a very high tension/high anxiety thing to do. To say, “I’m going to play the part of the bad guy” and then, in essence, tell the person across from you, “There’s something not quite right about you and I don’t want to explore this any further.” That’s a tough thing for a lot of guys to do.

Dr. Glover: It is, and it’s always been for me. I think for most men, breaking up, being a good ender, is really challenging. I think for a number of reasons, one maybe is partly our evolutionary heritage that we’re providers and protectors by nature, and I think the other is social.  You’re not supposed to do anything that might ever upset a woman, and sometimes breaking up with them upsets them. A lot of guys are nice guys and they just don’t ever want to be the bad guy. For me, one of the best experiences I had, I mentioned the woman that I met in that second city, we dated for about two or three months, and I remember I went down to visit her for about the third time and we spent the weekend together. It was a very mediocre weekend. I think she had high expectations, and I wasn’t feeling it. By the time I got back home and got off the airplane, I had an email from her that said, “Hey, you know, we both know that this isn’t going any further and that we’re not the best match, so I’ll go ahead and end it now.” At first, I wanted to say, “Wait a minute why are you ending it?!”  and then I thought,  “Oh, wait a minute. I’m glad she did actually.” Then I thought I’m not devastated. Maybe if I can practice ending in a very clear and timely manner as well, the women won’t be devastated either, and the truth is… they never were, and I broke up with a lot of women. A guy I coach said, “Well, you know I go on a lot of one-and-done coffee dates. What’s wrong?” I say there’s nothing’s wrong. That’s right. Most dates should not last more than one date. The whole purpose of that first date is to find out is she a cool enough chick, if she interesting enough, and do you want to actually see her again? By the second or third date, you’re not going to know her all that well, but you at least should be able to start observing what is her nature and how does she fit into your life. Now, hopefully, during that time, you’re not having sex. I mean, I have no issue with one-night stands or having sex with someone the first day you meet them, but don’t pretend that that’s a good foundation for a long-term relationship. It was sex and the woman knows it and you know it. So, go slow. I always tell guys to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what the woman’s nature is and then you be the decider. You be a good ender if this woman is not somebody that you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with. 

DSO: What sets up a lot of men for failure from the very beginning of the whole dating process is that they go into it with the mindset of trying to find “My one real forever love”. When they’re sitting across from a woman and there are more red flags than a Chinese parade, they say, “You know, maybe that’s not so bad because I really like this other part of her. Maybe that other glaringly bad thing is not so glaringly bad because I really like this other thing… because I’m kind of desperate to find Mrs. Right and I can’t just throw away this one who actually gives me attention. She makes me feel really good right now.” They hang on and they hang on. That’s always disastrous.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, you know, I’ve been saying for a while, having been a marriage counselor for over 30 years and then teaching men to date, and being married myself and doing this from personal experience, is that there are three things that most men based their long-term relationship decision on. Number one: she isn’t too bad looking, but usually not too good-looking either because that scares us. Number two: she seems to be showing interest in us. Number three: at some point, she wants to have sex with us. Well, she agrees to have sex with us.  

In my approach to dating, I tell guys that dating is not an attempt to get a woman to like you. Dating is actually a process of you growing up and clearing out all of your self-limiting beliefs and growing as a man because no woman’s ever going to give us what our male brain thinks she is going to give us. That whole process of trying to get a woman to like you or try to get her to have sex with you just sets up a really bad differential because she’s now the decider. She has all the powers. She’s the alpha. You’re the beta. You’re the pleaser. Even if that leads to something, that’s going to be the foundation for that relationship. You trying to figure out how to make her happy, keep her liking you, and keep her from leaving you. That’s not a great way to approach it.

DSO: Very well put, and in fact in your new book, “Dating Essentials”, you talk about taking baby steps, not jumping into the deep end of the pool right off the bat, and it’s something I always tell guys as well. There was a guy recently on my Facebook page who talks about how he has a lot of social anxiety after a marriage that ended with his wife cheating and his solution was just to go to a singles mixer. The event was put on solely for the purpose of getting people to meet each other and possibly date. He went in and just stared at his feet the whole time and was nervous as hell and said, “This isn’t for me” and he left. He later posted, “I just don’t think this whole dating thing is for me. I’m doomed to be alone.” I told him, well, you have to do these little baby steps first, like approaching random people where there’s no implied reciprocation. You’re not going up to them to get a date. You just go up to a random stranger and say something like, “I like your shoes.” 

Dr. Glover: Yeah. I call it testing for interest. One of the things that I say in all my dating material is that I’m really not teaching men to date. I’m actually helping men raise their social and emotional intelligence, and in the process of raising their social and emotional intelligence, they become much more attractive… and then dating actually gets easy because then you’re choosing from lots of women that are showing you signals of interest. You’re walking through open doors rather than pounding on closed doors or avoiding the doors all together because you have so much anxiety. So yeah, that testing for Interest really does involve, and I say it in all of my Dating Essentials for Men podcasts, get out of the house, expand your route, linger in public, talk to the people you meet, test for interest, and walk through the open doors. It’s not any more complicated than that. I’m sure you’ve seen this, a lot of guys when they get out there dating after having not done it for a long time, they make it really complicated. It’s like, “I got to go to a pickup boot camp or I got to go to a hot club and approach the hottest women in there and try to get their numbers” and that’s way too difficult. That’s shit that even the pros have to really work at. Don’t make it difficult, because, like that guy you talked about, if you make it way too difficult, the first bad experience you have, the first time a woman has low interest or you get rejected or you feel foolish. You think “Well, I’m never doing that again”, and then you just you hole up at home watching TV, surfing the internet looking at porn, and reading red pill shit and resenting women. It doesn’t serve you.

DSO: You do touch in your book about resisting the whole notion of painting women with a very negative toxic paintbrush. I see that a lot with some of my readers where they say, “Well, obviously all women are whores” as if they’re saying “The sky is blue”.

Dr. Glover: Right. In my weekly Dating Essentials newsletter, I’ve got a Q&A, and one guy asked me about hypergamy.  He said, “I read this a lot online: all women are hypergamous”. I said, you know, that’s just a fancy term that internet writers have applied to women to justify their resentment, that all women are looking to trade up. The basic premise of my blog post was “Look around. Women settle for losers all the time”. Most women don’t have the intelligence, the good looks, and the Machiavellian cunning to be constantly trading up. That’s just not how most are wired. Maybe there are few gold diggers out there, but anytime we say all women are whores, all women are gold diggers, all women just want blah blah blah, you know, that’s just projecting our experience with a woman or two out on all women. What’s really going on, as you said, a lot of times these guys just have some social anxiety. They never really learned how to interact with women. Well, when they do it, they either do it clumsily, anxiously, or not at all, and then when they don’t have dating success, they blame the women. That just that doesn’t serve us well. I promise you, if you’re walking around trying to date, feeling resentful and bitter towards women, you’re going to radiate that shit and women are going to pick it up and you’re going to be radioactive. They’re not gonna want anything to do with you.

DSO: Absolutely, and the people that you do attract are going to be extremely toxic in nature.

Dr. Glover: There you go. That’s the other side of that coin. You are going to attract what you believe to be true. I don’t think there’s any magical Law of Attraction built into that, it’s just true. You are going to attract what you believe to be true.

DSO: I think the big source of a lot of this “Red Pill” angry male sentiment out there is that a lot of men at a very early age have been taught to put women on a pedestal. I always joke that the Red Pill can be summarized as “Holy crap. You mean women are assholes too?!”

Dr. Glover: Ha. Yeah, they’re not always nice. They’re insecure and they got issues too. 

DSO: There can be sociopathic women. There can be narcissistic women. There can be hypersexual women. Just like men, they can be all of these things, but many men just can’t believe that their mother, aunt, wife, or girlfriend is capable of doing these bad things. Then when you start digging and ask, “Well tell me how your relationship started?”, you can just count the red flags as you go along with their story. The man just ignored the flags and jumped right over them. “Well, she did have two kids by two different men…and she was an alcoholic”.... he just builds this awful resume for her, and he can’t believe it ended so horribly.  Well, of course it did. Everyone else in his world saw it coming.

Dr. Glover: Here’s the one red flag that most men ignore, and I’ve ignored it as well, which is why I know about it: A woman that is bitter about a past relationship, or past relationships. Every time I’ve gotten with a woman and she kept harping on her stories about her ex… you know, what a jerk he was, what an ass he was, how he did this, how he treated her that way… especially if they are that way about more than one man in their past… Anytime I got far enough in with these women, and I tend to be attracted to that kind of woman because I’m a fixer by nature, I actually begin to have empathy for the man that they used to be with. I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t such a jerk. Maybe there are two things going on. Maybe she drove him fucking crazy and he didn’t handle it well,  or maybe that’s just her. Every man is a jerk and I’m going to be in that category sometime soon. Just like I would tell women, stay away from a man that’s just packing around a bunch of negative stuff about women and about his ex. I tell men the same thing. If a woman is packing around negative stuff about men in general or about any ex, stay away from them because you’re just going to be the next story that she’s going to be telling the next guy because she will turn you into one of those jerks.

DSO: Absolutely. How many men do we know in these very vulnerable states of mind that get into a relationship with a woman and she absolutely dictates every facet of his emotionality? He’s depressed because she’s depressed. He’s happy because she’s having a great day.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, exactly. Probably most of your followers really can relate to that, and I get it. I’m the same way. It’s kind of like when they say happy wife/happy life. Okay, if I can just get her happy, I can be happy. As you know, that is so reverse. We’ve got to get out and fill our own bucket up and make ourselves happy. That makes us less needy. It makes us less dependent on any one person, and it makes us more attractive to women. It makes us less dependent on trying to manage a woman’s mood or happiness. 

DSO: So many of us become, in one facet or another, the child in a relationship when we get into a relationship with a woman. She becomes our surrogate mother. You had a concept in your book about this that you called “spending too much time in the nursery”.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, and you’re even going back to No More Mr. Nice Guy where I talk about being monogamous to mother.  Our mothers are always our first love object. If we grew up in a relatively healthy family system, the mother is not going to be hooking up an emotional hose to us and using us to get her needs met. Dad will be available to help initiate us into masculine adulthood. But for a lot of guys, including me, that didn’t happen. We kind of grew up with this model around women that oh, I’ve got to make her happy. I’ve got to keep her in a good mood. I’ve got to please her. All that does is, number one, you’re attracting women that kind of need that all the time and you’re training them that this is the way that you’ll always be. Again, this is where I tell guys we got to get out and get connected with men and that’s part of getting out of the nursery. I see that with so many men, especially younger men who grew up with the internet. They just followed the path of least resistance in life. They have women friends that they’re in the friend zone with, there’s no sexual polarity,  they repressed their sexuality, they get it all their sexual needs met through porn on the internet, they watch a lot of TV, they’re surfing the internet, whatever… and they never grow up. They’re in that nursery, seeking female validation while never doing anything that really challenges them. Any kind of real challenge scares them. I’m in a men’s program and there are like 50 guys in the program of all ages and types and what I see with a lot of the younger men…  It’s like they’re completely lost in life. Maybe they’re fit and they’re in good shape, but it’s like they’re like little boys seeking the approval of their mothers and that’s not attractive to women. Whatever women you do attract, I promise you the women will typically be fairly controlling and dominant. The little boy in the nursery is still trying to figure out how to please a woman who probably can’t be pleased, but we think we can if we just try harder because she says we can make her happy if we just would do this right or stop doing that other thing.

DSO: Yes, one of the grand ironies of being in a relationship with a woman is that if you allow her to dictate your behavior, and you start swinging your pendulum over in that direction, invariably you become less attractive to her.

Dr. Glover: Yep. A lot of guys will even tell me, hey when I first met a woman I set the tone, I led, I created polarity… but then once we started dating each other and she became my girlfriend, I slipped back into the whole Mr. Nice Guy boat. It’s because you’ve got an investment, right? You want her to stay your girlfriend. You want her to keep wanting to sleep with you. We then go into that pleasing mode, and yes, it has the very opposite effect.

The book I’m working on now, the working title is “Positive Emotional Tension” and the basic message is that women have to experience emotional tension all the time to experience an attraction towards a man, sexual arousal, and to stay attached to him over time. But unfortunately, we men don’t like emotional tension, especially in relationships. We want everything calm and smooth and easy and predictable, so we don’t create emotional tension for the woman by pleasing and playing it safe. Any emotional tension the woman might create we try to kill that. Then we can understand why the woman loses sexual interest in us, and then maybe loses complete interest in us. We weren’t doing anything to give to that woman what she needed to feel attracted and aroused by us.

DSO: Yeah. I always call it “That little bit of early relationship anxiety” that women seem to just really eat up. “What does he think about me? Does he really like me? What’s he doing now? Is he seeing that girl ?” We immediately try to squash this as men because we don’t like that. We like comfort. We like the tranquility and we like the feeling that everything’s cool. So, naturally, we try to squash that uncertainty. “No no, sweetie. I love you. I’m only with you. I’m predictable. I’m safe. I’ll take care of all your problems. Don’t worry.” 

Dr. Glover: Yeah, that kills it. Yeah. If I’m dating a woman and she brought up the “What are we?” conversation, and if I was not ready, I’d tell them, “Hey, until we have a conversation that you and I are seeing each other exclusively, you need to assume I’m seeing other people.” If they would say, “Well, are you?”,  even if I wasn’t I would say, “You need to assume that I am until we have a conversation otherwise.” Like you said, I used to think that me doing anything that might upset the woman is going to kill her interest in me. No, the opposite is true. Everything you do to try to make the woman happy kills her interest. 

DSO: Exactly. I think this is why you see so many men report to me that they caught their wife in an affair because her behavior changed so dramatically. She all of a sudden decided to start dressing younger, she started acting younger, she started hanging out with a different group, she lost 50 pounds, etc… and I say, “Well, it sounds like she was in the early stages of The Mating Game. She’s trying to attract or hold onto somebody that she’s found attractive. That’s what you do when you’re dating someone at first. I want to look my best. I want to act my most attractive.” For women, that means “I want to look as young and vibrant and as happy as possible because that’s that’s what will keep this new guy that I have interest in hanging around.” That’s what these guys see. They’re seeing the early Mating Game process right in front of them and there they think she’s gone crazy. No, she’s in love. 

Dr. Glover: And she is feeling that emotional tension with a guy that she can’t completely get all in with and he can’t completely get in all with her. That’s why affairs create so much emotional tension. There’s that longing, that uncertainty, that expectation which are really really powerful tools for creating emotional tension. Affairs have that built into them. It’s just that constant uncertainty. “When am I going to see him again? When am I gonna get a message?” It builds shitloads of emotional tension into a relationship and it’s why most relationships that begin as an affair go south really quickly, once the couple can actually get together.

DSO: When they catch their wife in the affair and they see she is so embroiled in all this chaos of the moment and she’s so in love,   the man will try to out-rationalize that. “Well, let me sit down with her and build the case for why this is stupid what she’s doing. Look, we have three kids. We got the house. We’ve been together 25 years, bla bla bla.” He can’t believe that she just doesn’t see any of this. I’ve even had men say they have written this out on paper for the wife to read, as in “Top 10 reason why you what you’re doing is stupid and you shouldn’t throw our marriage away”. I always tell them to stop, that they are absolutely no match for those feelings she’s having right now.

Dr. Glover: If the guys want to know what to do differently… basically it’s as simple as this: “Okay, I know you’re seeing somebody else. You know, I want a woman who wants to be with me. Do you want to be with me? Yes or no. Do you want to be with me? If you want to be with me, you have a choice. Stop it with that person and we get all in and we go to work on what’s wrong here, or we’re done now.”  That brings such a backbone, such an aliveness to that conversation, that she will be immediately turned on. I’m not saying do this thinking, “Well, here’s how I manipulate the situation”. She’s emotionally killing you. You cannot do anything right from here on out. As soon as she’s interested in somebody else, everything you do is going to be wrong. Even if you say you either get all the way in with me now and we go to work on it or you leave now, she’ll make that wrong as well, but it will still turn her on and create some emotional tension that all of a sudden will make that other guy look a lot less attractive. 

DSO: In your experience working with all of your clients, how often have you seen a man and a woman be able to turn things around after female-driven infidelity and go back to working on the marriage? Does that happen often?

Dr. Glover: Here’s my experience. I actually specialized in that with couples for a number of years in my practice as a marriage and family therapist. I actually turned that into a specialty and put a yellow page ad: “Healing after infidelity”. What I found out is there are usually two types of situations. One is you have a Serial cheater. This could be a man or a woman where you know for whatever reason… emotionally, physically, sexually…  they’re just not wired to be monogamous. Actually, I think none of us are, but there are some people that they’re just going to serially cheat. It’s just their nature and that’s not going to change. In most situations, the cheating is because the people in the relationship just got fucking bored with each other. They quit treating each other well, they quit creating emotional tension, they quit having an interesting life together, and it’s not that the person who cheated often went out looking for it. It often finds them. 

I tell guys, if you’re not creating emotional tension for a woman and you’re in a long-term relationship, she’ll go through a few stages. One is she’ll create a lot of emotional tension, but it’s often negative. She’ll start fights, she’ll nag, she’ll criticize, she’ll complain, she’ll flirt with your best friend… She’ll do things trying to create tension to get you to connect with her. If that doesn’t work over a period of time, they tend to go where they can get their needs or emotional tension met through other things. It can be the kids. It can be work. It can be their friends. Many women, they just eat, spend money, go shopping, you know, whatever to try to get some momentary buzz, and then they’re like a forest that hasn’t been rained on in a few years. It hasn’t had a good fire in many years. Somebody pays a little attention and it truly is just like a spark in a tinder-dry forest. They’re on fire. It just feels amazing. It feels great. They can’t get enough of it. That’s how most affairs begin. It’s usually not because most people are serial cheaters. There are enough of those people out there, men and women, but mostly it’s just because you know, it’s gone dry and then something comes along. 

Now, I’ve found that when people did come into my office, if there was enough love between them, maybe enough reasons to stay together, and the person who is cheating was willing to come clean, be honest, cut off that source of their drug, you know of the affair, and everybody was willing to get real with each other… I saw a lot of relationships become deeper, more loving and more vibrant than they had ever been before. So an affair can wake things up. I’m not suggesting it as a way to wake things up. But, like I said, usually it’s not a person going to look for more sex. There’s something that just finds them and they’re just so primed for it. So yes, I’ve seen it get better, but the person who’s had the affair has got to get real and get honest and the person on the other side usually has to grow a backbone and start showing some leadership in the relationship.

DSO: That second part there, showing the leadership in the relationship… I have yet to see that with any of my readers who have approached me. They’ve always taken the route of saying, “I’m going to try out nice this situation and fix it. She always said she wanted more gifts. Here are more gifts.” In other words, he’s just rewarding the horrible behavior.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, exactly. Just rewarding the bad behavior. I’ve been cheated on before. Not a lot. It’s not the pattern I tend to attract, but I’ve also cheated so I do know the other side of it and my experience is that most of it is just due to the lack of tension or it’s due to a person who can’t be faithful. 

Most of the women I’ve been with in the last 15 years, including my present wife, said to me, “How come you never get jealous?” I’ll say, “Well, you’ve never given me a reason to be jealous. If you give me a reason, I’ll let you know I’m not happy”. But the bottom line is if you want to be with me great. I want to be with you. If you don’t want to be with me, if you want to be with someone else, great. Get the hell out. That’s not worth getting jealous about. If you want the attention of another man, wonderful. Just tell me you want the attention of this other guy. I’ll let you go. I’m not going to fight with you about it. I’m not going to try to get you to come back. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. If that’s you, great. I got nothing to be jealous about. So that’s number one for me. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. If she doesn’t want to be with me, adios! See you later. I’ve got no interest in that, so I have no reason to get jealous. 

But yeah, like you said, the pleasing them and trying to make them happy or trying to convince them to quit having an affair. Good luck. 

DSO: What you’re doing with that response is, you’re portraying this essence of abundance. You are ancillary to my life. Without you I’m not going to curl up in a ball and die, so jump on and get on this ride of my life or not. It’s totally up to you. If not, hey, no hard feelings. See you later.

Dr. Glover: See you later. You move on. Yeah, I call it guys creating their great cake of a life. If you have a great cake of a life… good guy friends, pursuing your passions, working out regularly, leaning into challenge, giving your gift to the world… that’s your great cake. At best, the woman is the icing on top. You can have a great cake without icing, but I promise you as soon as you make a woman your cake or even make her one of the key ingredients of your cake, of your overall happiness and well-being in life, you’re going to be miserable. Make your cake and invite a great woman to be the icing on top. If you have to go without icing for a while, that’s okay. You’ll still have a great cake and you’ll still be amazingly magnetically attractive to women because they love a man with a great cake. 

DSO: I always tell men, “The women ain’t going anywhere.” It’s okay to give them a break for a while. You don’t have, as a man, the biological clock ticking. I have found that a lot of men are taking their mating/dating cues from women who in fact do have that urgency. Women will say, “Hey, I’m 35 years old. I don’t have a man right now. I’ve been dreaming of having a baby and a man since I’ve been 12 years old. I’m almost passed my prime. Let’s get to this.” I’ve also had guys tell me, “I’m not getting any younger. It’s time for me to find a woman.” It’s like, dude… you just got divorced a month ago. Give it time. There’s no biological clock here. You’re fine.

Dr. Glover: Yeah. I’ve got a friend who is 67 and he’s dating a 25-year-old. I’ve met her. She’s a nice person. I don’t think they’ll be together very long. The age difference really is too significant, and it is more than just that, but anyway, I remember asking him I said, “Well, does she want kids?” and he goes, “I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not going to even ask her. By the time her clock’s ticking and she may want kids, I’ll probably be dead. It doesn’t matter.” 

I actually liked that attitude. Why should he do something to give in to her clock, or her needs, at his age? He’s never been married. He’s never had kids. He’s not thinking, “I’m 67. I better get out there and get married and have kids.”  He lives an amazing life. That’s why he’s attracted to 25-year-olds. But yeah, he’s in no hurry to make anything happen. And I know if he gets bored of this one, or it doesn’t work out, next time I drop in to see him, she’ll probably be gone. He doesn’t hold onto them too long either if it’s not working out. He doesn’t need it for his ego.

DSO: Lastly, you touched on monogamy and saying that you’re not quite sure that’s our natural state as human beings, to begin with. There is a growing trend of open marriages right now. If you do a quick Google search… CNN did a story on the subject, it was covered in the New York Times, blogs, etc. They have headlines all about the rise of open marriages and how interesting it is that it is driven mostly by women. They are way more likely to say, “Honey, have you ever thought about sleeping around with others?” than a man is to bring it up. This goes right back to your point of saying there’s no more tension in their relationship. My point has always been… boy, there’s no way to introduce that sexy tension back into a relationship more than having sex with a new person. What an interesting phenomenon we have going on, how open marriages aren’t new, but they’re being thrust forth a legitimate alternative to monogamy right now in the mainstream press.

Dr. Glover: Yea, the spin that media is putting on it is this has been initiated by women, which …this goes down a whole other road which I’m actually going down in my next book about emotional tension. My basic premise is, because of our evolutionary wiring, we’re not wired for monogamy. Pair-bonded relationships only existed for less than 10,000 years in human existence. We’ve been communal sexually and otherwise for probably a million and a half to 2 million years where the tribe met all the needs of all the people. That meant everybody had sex with everybody, everybody raises the kids, everybody did whatever was needed to contribute to the well-being of everyone else. Now in this process, which to me is really interesting because it goes against how most men think, something about our evolutionary process wired women to be what I call “Sexual Ferraris”. They’re high energy, highly-tuned sexual machines.

Now, men say, ‘“What are you talking about?” But if you look at women, they are wired to have more sex more often with more partners and enjoy it more than men. I can prove that easily. Women are, I think, one of only two or three mammals that like to fuck for fun. They have sex out of season when they’re not in estrus. Whereas the average guy has one maybe two places on his body that can trigger an orgasm, I’ve known women that had four or five places. I’ve known women you could lick their nipples and they come, or they could think about sex and come. They’re highly wired machines. But we’ve got this idea that women aren’t that interested in sex, they’re very choosy, very this, or very that… and I’m saying well, okay, I think men have made sex costly for women in terms of how we structured the patriarchy for 10,000 years, and I’m not going to go off on the whole patriarchy thing because a lot of that’s just noise anyway, but men were trying to provide and protect for women.  I think we were trying to guard property. So if women were not interested in sex, why did we invent chastity belts? Why do we put them in burkas? Why did we put scarlet letters on their foreheads? Why did we stone them for having sex? Why do most religions preach against a woman’s sexuality? If women did not like sex and didn’t like to be fucked and fucked well, why is it that men worked so hard to try to repress female sexuality?

So it doesn’t surprise me that women might be leading this movement towards open marriages. I’ll hear guys say, “Well, I haven’t had that experience with women” and I’ll say that well, probably two things have happened. One, you’ve either picked really wounded women that don’t like sex, or when it comes to sex we men are basically sexual mopeds. We think sex is finding any handy hole to stick our dick in and ejaculate and that’s good sex. If a sexual Ferrari has that kind of experience enough times with the guy, do you think she’s going to keep coming back for more of that? So I teach men that a lot of it goes back to this creating emotional tension. Men have to learn how to drive a sexual Ferrari. If we don’t learn how to drive that sexual Ferrari, they will go looking for something else because it’s how they’re wired. They are wired to be fucked often and fucked well, and I don’t mean that in a dismissive way at all. It’s just how women are wired by Mother Nature and if a man is not having that experience with women the man needs to take a look at what’s going on on his end of things

DSO:  He’s just not pushing her buttons. I always say that once the women’s buttons are pushed they run laps around us men. Women need to feel safe and free to express their sexuality. A good example is when she is with friends at a bachelorette party and there’s a male stripper. Everyone just kind of agrees that they can all act crazy. Just sit down with a male stripper and talk to him and say, “Tell me your greatest stories” and just prepare to wowed.

Yet, many men are blown away by this and instead of embracing female sexuality for what it is, which there’s nothing inherently bad about it… just like there’s nothing inherently bad about our “horny male nature”… so many men, especially young men, are looking at it as a very negative thing. It’s almost as if there’s a secret these women are holding from us all this time. For a lot of men, their answer to exposing the “truth” is to completely avoid women altogether. I see that a lot. They pride themselves on that. No dates. No sex. No nothing for years and years.

Dr. Glover: Yeah. There’s a whole movement out there: “Men Going Their Own Way”. I keep coming across more and more of the different manifestations of what the internet helps men to do. They basically complain and feel done to and victimized and whine a lot. But yeah, I’m all about empowering men, and I know you are too, and I think if we can see men and women more accurately without all of our judgments and projections, we can have more compassion, more empathy and a hell of a lot more fun. If we can let go of all of our negative projections, we can find a woman or women who do want to play and have fun and have a good time with us and bless our lives as we bless theirs. But, I promise you, you’re not going to bless their lives by just giving them more goodies or trying to be that nice guy that hides his sexual interest from them. They get bored with that.

DSO: Well said. So, after they read your new book, “Dating Essentials for Men” and they want to take it to the next level, can they sign up with you for some coaching sessions or anything similar?

Dr. Glover: Yeah, first check out the book see if it’s your cup of tea. I call it “the un-pick up guide to dating success”. It really is about, as I said, creating a social and emotional intelligence that attracts women to you and then learning what to do from there. If it clicks for you, I have what I call a dating Essentials bonus bundle. It’s got 25 plus hours of recorded Q&A with me, the Dating Essentials for Men A to Z encyclopedia where I answer over 200 questions in a digital format, a workbook,  monthly coaching sessions that are part of the bundle, and a private Facebook group… so there’s a lot of goodies all packed into that. Just go to datingessentialsformen.com, then check out the books. There’s also the e-book on Amazon right now. I just got a contract to do an Audible version of it. Hopefully, we’ll have it in print soon. Datingessentialsformen.com is where they can find it all. 

DSO: Very cool. It sounds like you have some other books in the works?

Dr. Glover: Yes, I set a goal last year to write ten books in ten years and Dating Essentials for Men was one, The Dating Encyclopedia the other, the next one I’m working on as I said, I’m calling it right now “Positive Emotional Tension”, and then I’ve got a whiteboard right to my side here with a list of several more that hopefully I’ll get written in the next 10 years.

DSO: Your first book was No More Mr. Nice Guy, correct?

Dr. Glover: Yes, No more. Mr. Nice guy is my first book, Dating Essentials for Men is the second.

DSO: For those not familiar with No More Mr. Nice Guy, you do have groups that are scattered around the country that people can go meet in person with other men, correct? 

Dr. Glover: I’ve got several certified coaches and therapists that have done training with me and a lot of them do have groups. There are also online groups. Yeah, they can just check out drglover.com and you can find my workshops and my seminars. I have an online university with self-help courses, the certified coaches and therapists, consultation… So visit both drglover.com and datingessentialsformen.com.

Dr. Robert Glover - Dating Essentials for Men
Dr. Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy

Dear DSO: “I feel like I need a wife.”

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Dear DSO:

I read your book (Now What? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce) and I totally agree that I’m one of those guys that feels like he needs a wife to feel normal. I was totally in love with my wife for the 14 years we were together. I gave her everything. I supported her. I paid for her to go back to school and get her degree. She was my best friend and I was hers. We had two great kids. We did everything together. Then I found out she was fooling around with her ex-boyfriend that she had in highschool. They got back together when she went back home to Texas for a family reunion. All that time we had meant nothing to her. She treated me like garbage. That all went down about three years ago. Our divorce was fair and we share custody of the kids. I don’t have to pay child support or anything like that since she has a good job now.

I’ve been online dating for two years. I realize I’m totally the Provider that you talk about. I pay for lots of dinners and dates and I don’t have one longterm girlfriend yet. The second girl I dated after divorce seemed to be perfect. We had a lot in common and both fell in love pretty quick. She ghosted me after three months and I saw that she was dating somebody else. That felt like my divorce all over again.

I don’t know how to not fall in love right away. I’ve had sex with one woman in three years. I don’t know how to be the Lover you talk about. You make it sound easy but for me it’s not. I’m not made to screw around with lots of women and just not care if I don’t get a longterm girlfriend or wife again. The only reason I’m dating is to get another relationship and to settle down and have a normal life again. I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with that but at the same time I see that it’s not what works today with Tinder and online dating. You have to be one of the guys who doesn’t care or you will just get your heart broken and pay for a lot of dates.

Les

Les,

This is an incredibly common sentiment. You are absolutely conditioned to believe that the end goal of a longterm relationship or marriage is a MUST HAVE for a complete life. Because of this mindset, you project a very NEEDY vibe to the world around you… and you get the predictable results (nothing). You’re right, maybe dating isn’t for you right now. With your current mindset, you will just dig a deeper and deeper hole that you won’t be able to escape from.

Take a timeout. Forget women. Forget relationships. It’s time to rebuild. Just like I said in the book. You’re a PROVIDER because you tell yourself you are. You then take that mentality out into the dating world and… lo and behold… the women you encounter all treat you like a Provider. They use you and discard you. You’re a quick and easy meal and shoulder to cry on. You’re not a sexy diversion or a real long-term romantic partner candidate.

Sorry to be blunt… but what the hell did you expect?

If I walk into the lion exhibit at a zoo with a hundred pounds of raw meat attached to my body, I have no room to complain about being eaten alive. It’s all my fault. Sure, I can complain that the lions should know better than to eat a man. After all, the human zookeepers take care of them and treat them well and make sure they’re healthy… so why on Earth would they eat a guy just because he’s covered in raw meat?

Same for you. Sure, you read my book and read my posts and see what lies ahead for the Provider in the modern day dating game… but you decide to play that game anyway because, hey, you’re just not cut out to be anything else.

Sorry to be blunt again… but that’s just complete bullshit.

These self-limiting behavior patterns are just going to leave you sexless, depressed, or worse… with a complete nutjob of a woman who has zero attraction to you but needs you for the resources you so gladly hand over. You will end up with your wife all over again. You do not want that. Even if you think for a moment that you do, YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.

You’re using your Provider title as a crutch. Every time you get that hint of social anxiety and fear about doing something different, you just say, “Welp… I guess I am a Provider after all!” Then you get mad at the Provider results. Then you go back to being Provider. Then you get angry about more Provider results. The cycle continues…

You can be whatever the hell you want to be in this life. That doesn’t mean changing your ways will be simple and you will feel great 24/7. Changing your line of thinking may take a good deal of work and it may feel like crap for a while. That’s ok. That’s called living life. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, as you have learned. The problem is that your current line of thinking is resulting in misery and continued misery into the foreseeable future. On the other hand, a big change in thinking and a lot of hard work will result, in the long run, in a much higher chance of personal fulfillment and happiness… but also inevitable short-term misery.

Take a timeout. Dating is not an option for you right now. Read the book again. Read it again. And again. Let in sink in. It hasn’t sunk in yet, but it will. Talk to guys in your shoes. Join the private Facebook group. You need to live what you learn. Don’t just take what’s there, ingest it, get pissed off, and then do nothing productive with it. That’s like shooting 1,000 jump shots a day, but never playing a game of basketball.

What you’re describing in your email is, in part, called being “vulnerable”.  If you want to be in any kind of meaningful relationship with another person, it will require vulnerability. You DO want to be an unselfish loving person to your partner, but at the same time, you want to build a framework of strength that can successfully put up boundaries, recognize when things go south, and be able to endure hardship when it smacks you upside the face.

Heartbreak happens. You learn to live with the loss like any other. You move on to the next chapter. Such is life.

Good luck, my friend.

DSO

RECOMMENDED READING

DSO’s Relationship Rules

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

  1.  Baggage matters. Don’t underestimate the impact of your mate’s childhood on her present-day self. It matters. A lot. Same goes for you. Don’t just gloss over past sexual abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, abusive relationships, etc. If the person you are partnering with hasn’t handled these issues in a healthy and productive manner, they will bubble up at a later time and take you and everyone around you down.
  2.  She’s not perfect. She’s flawed. She’s capable of awfulness. She’s human. Stop treating her like royalty. Treat her with the same guarded optimism you give to the men in your life. Trust, but verify.
  3.  Don’t rely on your mate for your sense of self. They will resent you for it, and rightly so. Put up boundaries between you and them. Be an individual. Let them be an individual. Come together as a team. If they fall, they fall… and you’re strong enough to move on without them.
  4.  Have principles. Stick to them. You know what is right and wrong. You know what you believe in. You know what you will put up with. STICK TO IT. I know she may be great in the sack and make you feel like a million bucks, but you need to be a man of character. A man of integrity. A man of substance. Don’t throw all that out for some woman who gives you butterflies.
  5. Be the rock. Yes, you must show vulnerability to be in a healthy relationship but realize that the more you veer from the path of being the strong oak, the more she will resent you. It’s a delicate balancing game. Be open and true with your feelings, but do so in a strong manner that emphasizes your ability to weather the storm. Show her that she can count on her man.
  6. Looks matter. Women find 80% of available men to be unattractive. Always strive to be in the top 20%. Hit the gym. Dress well. Do it for yourself. Have some self-respect.
  7. Be both the Lover and the provider. Err more on the Lover side. Every nice guy can play the part of the Provider, only a few can successfully play the Lover role. The typical loser Lover can easily gain the affection of the best Provider’s wife. The Provider is no match for the Lover when it comes to the mating game
  8. Don’t ever feel pressured to settle down. There is no hurry. You have no biological clock. Don’t listen to the common shaming tactics. If you’re going to be in a relationship, do it right. Take your time. Date lots of women, because the vast majority you meet will not be longterm relationship worthy.
  9. Comfort and familiarity kill a woman’s sex drive. Women get bored in marriages, way more so than men. Keep her interested. Be a guy other women would gladly fool around with. Don’t castrate yourself and try to nice your way into your wife’s heart. It doesn’t work.
  10. Marry a woman that doesn’t need your money. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a financial disaster. Two strong individuals make a good partnership, and that’s true when it comes to money, as well. In today’s day and age, it’s way too easy for a woman to suddenly leave her husband and take half his assets and a steady diet of child support and alimony. If she’s not gainfully employed, she’s a good girlfriend candidate at best… not a wife.
  11. You don’t NEED to be in a serious longterm relationship. The more you feel you need it, the more likely you are to end in a disaster. Your neediness will just attract all kinds of trouble… and there is A LOT of trouble out there.

“Dear DSO: Women today are f*cking disgusting”

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO,

I’ve been divorced for about two and half years. My wife left me after her second affair. Those are the only two affairs I know about, but there were probably more than that. We had no kids thank God. Our marriage lasted about four years. I started dating before our divorce was final. I counted and I have been on dates with 28 different women. All but three of them were from Match.com. 

 

If I’m being honest, I am looking for my next wife. I’m definitely what you like to call a “provider” and I like the idea of going though life with a woman and being there for her. I am looking for the love of my life. I know she’s out there, but I’m starting to lose hope that I will be able to find her. There’s just too much trash women out there. Women today are fucking disgusting. They’re just looking for bad boys and assholes that they can have sex with no strings attached. They think it’s a good thing to act slutty and sleep with multiple guys at the same time. My problem is that if I have sex with women, which is way too easy, I get attached to them right away. I fall in love and start acting like a boyfriend. That’s when they usually ghost me and run away. I’ve had a few women tell me right to my face that I’m way too nice and way too attached. They tell me they just want fun and no long-term relationship.

 

I had ONE woman that I really hit it off online with. She was very sweet and we both talked about how we were tired of assholes looking for just sex and no commitment. She was very pretty in her pictures. Then I met her… and she was about 50 lbs heavier than her photos. Then she told me she had not one but TWO fucking kids.  She never mentioned kids. Then I realized that I was seeing A LOT of red flags and this woman was just looking for a provider guy to take care of her and her kids. I bailed on her. She texted me and called me every name in the book and said I’m an asshole like every other guy out there. It made me feel terrible. Maybe I’m starting to become just like the girls I hate dating.

 

I’m so tired of the whole thing. It’s dumb. Was I really wrong about relationships? Is marriage dead? You married again… how did you find your wife?

 

Jason

Jason,

There’s a lot going on here. It’s not a simple situation you find yourself in, but it is a common one.  Let’s break it down…

Women looking for sex but not commitment  —  Yep, times are a changin’, as they say. The sexual and economic landscape has gone through a pretty major shift. Good guys like you feel that finding a good-looking and decent woman looking for a good man to commit to should be a simple thing. You’re looking at the dating world through old-fashioned, male-centric glasses. Right now, the dating world is a woman’s market. 

When you strip away the economic factors (women looking for men to pay for their way through life) you’re left with a large group of the female dating pool that thinks that “settling” for a Provider is fruitless. Why would she devote herself to a man she has no sexual desire for if she doesn’t NEED his cash and resources? Why would she do that when her dating pool is so abundant? In their mind, they have the looks and personality necessary to allow them to pick from the cream of the crop. They want the Super Lover with the heart of gold, and they will go through a laundry list of Lovers to find him. In their mind, they have all the time in the world.

The irony is that a lot of men honestly feel that they fit the bill of, “Super Lover With a Heart of Gold” (SLWAHOG). The harsh reality is that the men deemed “relationship-worthy” account for MAYBE 20% of the dating pool. The remaining 80%? You’d be lucky to play the part of human dildo for one evening. 

It’s a buyer’s market right now… and the women are the buyers. You’re selling a product that your ideal buyer is not interested in. It’s really that simple.

Is there a magic formula to find Mrs. Right? Yep:

  1. Forget about finding Mrs. Right. If you are actively looking for her, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
  2. Just have fun.
  3. Loosen up. Stop being so dramatic. You don’t have to date and you don’t have to commit. You can focus on other things in life.

Big picture question for you: Why are you so damn caught up on the idea of finding a wife? Maybe you should dig into what it is in your past that is bubbling up now and causing you to feel like you NEED a wife so badly. Why can’t you be happy with friends, hobbies, activities and the occasional girl for a casual relationship and fun? Remember, you want a relationship with a woman to be an ancillary to your life… not the entire meaning to life. 

I can feel your neediness just from your email. It’s a giant turnoff. Women typically don’t want to feel NEEDED by a man. They want to WANT you. Yes, it’s all a stupid little game of cat and mouse… but welcome to the mating game. You have to play by the rules or you’ll turn into roadkill. You’re pushing forward your Provider traits. The only fish you’re going to catch are 50 lb overweight women with kids and a shrinking bank account… or decent-looking women that are getting up there in age and want to “settle down” and have kids. If that sounds appealing to you, that’s great… but please realize that these women won’t be interested in YOU as much as they are reacting to their biological shortcomings. They are running out of time to breed and start a family. Those are the women that later pop out a couple of kids and then get caught banging the landscaping guy because “something was missing” from their life.

Take a break from women for a while. You married a woman and she quickly cheated on you (multiple times). Maybe it’s time you stopped and talked to somebody to figure out WHY that happened to you and WHY you seem so eager to relive that experience. Good luck!

Recommended Reading

MGTOW, Incels & Red Pill… Oh My!

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

If you’re a man that has been hurt by women and you’re scouring the internet looking for answers, then the terms “MGTOW”, “Incels” and “Red Pill” have surely come up on your computer screen more than a few times. I was first introduced to this world a few years ago after spewing forth some of my awesome DSO advice to some young guy who was cheated on in an internet forum. A female reader replied that it was just “Red Pill B.S.” and the original poster should ignore me completely.

Huh. Well, alright then…

**Googling “Red Pill”**

I know that the majority of what I am saying on this site is not new, but I prefer to call it “stuff your dad should’ve taught you” and not “Red Pill”, much less “Red Pill B.S.”.

But, let’s back up… what the hell do these terms mean, anyway?

MGTOW = Men Going Their Own Way

In essence, it’s a disorganized movement of men who have watched and digested all there is about the mating game in today’s world … and decided it’s just not worth the hassle. Throw in some men’s rights stuff, some misogyny, some horrible stories about getting their life savings taken away by an ex-wife and raising kids that ended up not being theirs… and you start to get the picture.

These guys tried relationships, failed miserably, and just said “F this noise.”

After a few stories, you come away thinking “Maybe they have a point…” They are basically pushing the forth what all experienced men innately know: Being a single dude that has his act together… Is pretty damn awesome. Do what you want when you want to do it. Save money. Spend money on what you want. Do whoever you want (as long as it doesn’t lead to a relationship). It IS an intoxicating and carnally rewarding lifestyle. The problem is that it is, in my opinion, somewhat fleeting. There’s always a little itch that needs to be scratched, and women and romantic relationships fill that need (at least for me and many men like me).

I’ll be the first to admit that relationships with women come with a price, and sometimes it is a high price indeed, but it’s in my opinion that these negatives are not insurmountable, and certainly not worthy of throwing out an entire institution that has been around for millennia.

Incels = Involuntary Celibate

These are the worrisome ones. They’re the guys who, for whatever reason, feel that an intimate relationship with a woman SHOULD be theirs for the taking… but it has unwittingly alluded them for WAY too long. They will often point at their good-hearted nature and “nice guy” ways and how everyone tells them their current gameplan of being socially awkward and strange SHOULD be working, but it sure as hell isn’t.

What is happening here is natural. There’s a hierarchy at play in the dating world. It’s not pretty. It’s not nice. It’s been around forever. The hierarchy is basically a dude pyramid. The few guys at the top get most of the top-quality women. Guys in the middle get the crumbs. Guys toward the bottom…. well, they are the ones who the $8,000 sex dolls are made for.

This hierarchical structure has been around and understood forever. It’s just “the way it is”. Somewhere along the line, whether due to outside influences (like Hollywood movies) or a rampant “I DESERVE” mentality, these guys threw out the whole notion of the dude pyramid and said “Well, it’s just not fair. F this pyramid. Where’s my sex? I want it now.” There’s no attempt to better themselves. They see no way out of their predicament. It’s just the way they are, and they’re not going to change and they sure as hell shouldn’t have to.

The nerds got really serious… and it’s kinda scary.

Take a testosterone-fueled human, dangle the carrot of sexual release in front of his face, tell him repeatedly that romance will solve many of his ills, and then show him in no uncertain terms that he has little value or worth in the mating game (he is in the basement of the pyramid)… and THEN get a bunch of these guys together to compare notes.

Not good.

They HATE the guys at the top of the pyramid. Despise them. They hate the women that reward these men with sex EVEN MORE. The recent vehicle terrorist attack in Toronto was a self-professed Incel that was done with life and ready to go out with a bang.

We really need to make prostitution legal.

The Red Pill

Remember the movie “The Matrix”? In it, Neo is presented with the option of taking the Blue Pill and staying in the fake dream world or taking the Red Pill and seeing what really goes on behind the curtain. Morpheus warns Neo that if he chooses Red,  there’s no going back. His world will never be the same.

The internet Red Pill community (their home base is on Reddit) is a bunch of mostly younger dudes who, through the power of observation and life experience, have learned that… holy crap… women suck just as much as men! They can be sociopaths and psychos, too! In fact, holy balls… women and men are in many ways WAAAY different and have different needs and instinctual drives that govern their behavior! In fact, if we learn this stuff and strip away all the useless fluff we’ve been taught… we can have more productive and better relationships with these women and get laid like kings!

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Kinda harmless and a lot like what I say if I’m being honest. The problem is that it’s young guys we’re talking about here, and for every Red Pill Reddit post citing PubMed articles about the role of hormones in behavior, there is another post saying, “All women with nose rings are filthy whores.” It’s young guys we’re talking about here. They were badly hurt by women. Women were supposed to all be super awesome delicate flowers and perfection. Their world was turned upside down. They “swallowed the pill” and saw life for what it really was.

Yes, they see it as being that dramatic. They are freaked out. They can’t shut up about it.

I would say 75% of what they say is right on the money. It’s evolutionary psychology, pick up artist technique, fitness advice and financial wisdom all rolled into one. It’s a bunch of young dudes who, ironically, have really put women in their life WAY up on a pedestal and have constructed their entire internet lives around the purpose of getting into their pants.

They won’t admit it. They will say all their advice is for self-improvement and finding their way in life, but the reality is that the end goal is sex, and possibly a long-term relationship with a really good woman (they refer to such women as “unicorns”, due to their scarcity).

———————–

MGTOW, Incels and Red Pill. Young men trying to find their way in the baseball game of life.

One group took struck out at the plate and promptly went home.

One group wasn’t even allowed at the plate. They’re in the dugout putting poison in their own team’s Gatorade.

One group is researching what the scientifically best bat grip is, who manufactures the best cleats and how to best run around the bases when they DO hit their first homerun. Oh, and the pitcher is a filthy whore.

“My wife wouldn’t do that.”

Estimated Reading Time: 10 minutes

When I talk about my own personal “awakening” during post-divorce life,  I usually mean in terms of recognizing the underlying truths in relationships and the psychology of my fellow humans, ladies in particular. Accepting REALITY and not what SHOULD be, in other words.

The reccuring subtext of this awakening: Just how mind-numbingly stupid men are when it comes to their relationships with women.

My first glimpse into baffling male behavior (other than my own special blend of stupid) came very early on. My ex-wife had just moved out. The kids were at their grandparents’ house and I had a rare night home alone. I was feeling VERY down.  I decided to send a text message to a guy that my therapist had put me in touch with. “His story is a lot like yours” she told me.

He didn’t text me back but instead immediately called me. “I don’t like texting and I’m glad you reached out.” Turns out he was eagerly awaiting my call and couldn’t wait to share his story and get things off his chest. He talked a mile a minute.

Of course, there were many similarities between our stories. He was the first guy who clued me into how all the guy stories are the same. “Let me guess… she did this and this and then did this, right?” It was like I was talking to some kind of psychic medium. Did he have cameras in my house or something?? Creepy how he knew everything.

His story sure was interesting. His world was flipped upside down when he discovered that his wife and mother of his two children was not only having an affair, but an affair with a WOMAN. She proclaimed that she was now gay and probably always had been.

Ouch.

He told me all the details of their storybook life.  Kids, his long hours at work, her going back to school… and then BAM! He sees messages from some guy. BAM! They’re having an affair. BAM! Oh wait, it’s a woman. BAM! She’s moving out. BAM! She wants the girls to live with her and her new lover most of the time… in a little two bedroom apartment in a not-so-nice part of town.

That was quite the five punch combo. Jesus… I thought I had it bad.

He says it looks like he’s going to have to spend some money and hire and attorney to fight for 50/50 custody… or better yet majority custody. She doesn’t work, so he probably has a good chance. “Is she going to try and come after you for money? Alimony, child support, stuff like that?”, I asked.

Here’s the kicker. Wait for it…

No, my wife wouldn’t do that. Everyone always asks me that… but I KNOW MY WIFE BETTER THAN ANYONE and she’s not the type of person to go after my money like that.”

This guy JUST told me all these stories about his life getting yanked out from under him by a wife who had an affair with a woman and is currently trying to take the kids away from him so that they can all live happily in her lesbian lover’s shitty apartment… and he was saying that he KNOWS his wife and she wouldn’t do something like come after his money???

My initial reaction was to chuckle… because surely he was joking.

Nope. He was dead serious.

He was conditioned and in complete denial. This guy probably saw more red flags than a Chinese parade during the course of his relationship. He didn’t do a damn thing about any of them and he STILL had his head in the sand about his cheating wife. His current situation wasn’t just a continuation of more and more red flags. His situation was the RESULT of years of ignored red flags… AND they were signs of even MORE inevitable bad things to come. It’s time to lawyer up and protect yourself, dude! All hands on deck!

But no… his wife wouldn’t do that. He knows her too well.

I have heard some variation of this more than a few times. Usually it’s when a man starts complaining about his wife and her new (not new, just amplified), confusing behavior. “She’s hanging out with the girls from work all the time… she’s ignoring the kids… the house is a mess… she’s always at work… she works out at the gym all the time… she goes down to the basement and listens to music for hours instead of being with the family… she opened up her own bank account… I caught her texting some guy… I caught her lying”.

Then somebody says “Do you think she’s cheating on you?”

“Oh no, dude… she would never do that. She’s not like that. She’s very much against cheating. Always has been.”

Uh huh.

What you’re seeing here is blatant denial. Why? Because a large part of the man’s reality is based upon one giant myth:

His wife is THE ONE.

And as THE ONE, she is above all of those basic stupid negative qualities so many normal HUMANS have. To think she would lower herself to such things… No way. Not his wife.

What about if Ms. Perfect mothered his children? Oh shit… then she’s got moral superiority points from now until the end of time. Mothers don’t do things like that.

And then… he finds out. She really WAS capable of that thing he said she would never do. Damn. “But you know what… no no… she may have done THAT thing, but she would never do that OTHER thing. I know her… deep down she’s good. Going one step further into awfulness? Nope. Not her.”

He keeps moving the goalposts. He keeps changing the rules so that she never wins the coveted “She’s just an awful human being after all” trophy.

To men with no boundaries and a fear of conflict (and the subsequent abandonement), there is no choice but to put the woman at a higher level than him. She is the beacon of hope in a world filled with dread and anxiety. If that crumbles, what’s he have left to lean on?

To put it in wise grandpa terms: The boy done put the pussy on a pedestal.

 

It starts when we are young.

The hormones kick in. Puberty happens. Girls start looking VERY interesting. A boy just wants to go up to that cute girl in class and say “You are really pretty. Will you be my girlfriend?” But no… he wouldn’t dare. She is a beacon of beauty and sunshine. Just the thought of being rejected by her makes his face flush. He prefers to keep her at a safe distance so he can marvel at her beauty. This guarantees that he doesn’t experience the awfulness of rejection.

Then Jimmy, the confident and really tall kid in class, walks right up to her one day. “Wow. You’re hot. You should be my girlfriend.” And with that… they are officially a couple.

Jimmy knew one thing about Ms. Perfect: She’s just a girl. A pretty girl… but just a girl. She poops. She farts. She gets sick. She picks her nose. She has dandruff. She drools when she sleeps. She’s human. She has no superpowers. The worst she can do is say no… and who cares? A no from her has no more power than the no he got from mom and dad that morning before school. No more power than his coach that said no yesterday at practice. A no is a one word syllable which just means “Ain’t happening here.. try somewhere else.” Oh, ok. No biggy.

To the sad sap, chatting up Ms. Perfect is a monumental feat in overcoming fear and anxiety. It’s the same as jumping out of a plane. His heart is pumping. He’s thinking of all the right things to say. He doesn’t want to look like a moron.

To Jimmy… it’s just a girl.

 

The Teen Years

As we mature and become horny out-of-control teen boys, the pedestalization gets amplified. We are torn between feelings of romance/love and unbridled testosterone-fueled horniness. We dream of walking hand-in-hand with Ms. Perfect and talking on the phone for hours and going to the movies, and also fantasize about banging her in the basement on the washing machine.  Spin cycle, of course.

Our sap sits around with his buddies, staring at Ms. Perfect during lunch time. “I would eat a mile long trail of her shit just to get to that ass” his friend says. The boys all laugh. It’s hilarious and gross, but the message is clear: She is a goddess. Her value is beyond measure. Oh, the things you would do just to spend five filthy minutes with her.

Oh, great. Tall Jimmy again. He walks right up to Ms. Perfect and puts his arm around her. She leans into him and smiles. Wait, wasn’t he going out with Ms. Hotty last week? What’s he doing with Ms. Perfect today?! Man, these pretty girls just love these assholes.

No… Jimmy is not an asshole. He is just not intimidated. He sees what he wants and goes for it. He learned early on not to be intimidated. He can take rejection from a girl.

Remember, you don’t see the 18 other times he struck out. You just see the home runs.

 

Adulthood

Ironically, it’s rare that our timid hero is NOT married during early adulthood. You’d think he would be the one to not have a woman in his life.. but no. He’s the type that of guy that jumps on the first woman that gives him attention. It just snowballs from there.

Here’s the typical timeline:

  1. They were highschool classmates or met in college.
  2. She asked him out or he was pushed by friends to talk to her.
  3. The attention from her is overwhelmingly positive. He quickly dedicates himself to her. Instant monogamous relationship. What are the chances that he meet the one perfect girl for him… and in math class!? Weird how the universe works.
  4. He hasn’t had a woman before or since he met her.
  5. He deals with many red flags during their relationship but always looks at her good side. He thinks he’s a better person because of this.
  6. She leaves him. She usually cites their early relationship and lack of life experience as a motivation. An affair is discovered. This is usually after children are already in the picture.

This is all a result of the childhood female pedestalization continuing on into adulthood. He stil doesn’t dare approach women, so it took a woman to come to HIM or friends to PUSH him to a woman they feel was a good match. Usually this woman has the more masculine/strong energy to his more feminine/soft energy.

Now that he actually has attained the dream of getting a woman’s attention for more than five minutes, he’ll do whatever he can to keep her around. This is like becoming buddies with a celebrity. “Oh, we’re going to go out and party at 3am and do drugs now? Ok, sounds cool Mr. Rock Star. Can I get a photo of us together for Facebook?”

She eventually grows tired of the lack of resistance and longs for somebody with a little more spunk and backbone. This knocks her guard down and she repeatedly approaches the inappropriate line. It doesn’t take much to convince her to cross the line. Affair time.

But, let’s not beat up the poor guy too much. It’s easy to write him off as just being an anxious dude. But, It’s not all his fault.

 

Society doesn’t help.

As much as we strive for equality between the sexes, we can’t deny that there ARE differences. We try our best to push down the innate biology , but society knows. We all know. We just ain’t the same.

Case in point…

The boat is going down. You have an hour before it goes under completely and everyone dies in the cold Atlantic. Time to deploy the lifeboats. What does the captain yell out?

“Women and children first!”

We’re all well aware of this phrase. It’s been popularized in movies for years. Yes, it does happen in real life.

There’s a basic evolutionary basis behind this phenomenon. As far as survival of the community is concerned, the women and kids are more valuable. Her eggs are scarce and the kids can go on to create lots more kids during their lifetime. Men are a dime a dozen. You could also argue that the men are physically stronger than the women and children and so they have a much higher chance of survival on their own. But in the case of the sinking ship… no amount of testosterone will keep a man from drowning.

Regardless of the reason why, a man who pushes ahead of a woman for a seat on the lifeboat will be severely chastized by his community. Know your place, homeboy.

This “men are disposable” and “women are wonderful” theme permeates everything in our popular culture.

And yes, this disposable/wonderful phenomenon is a form of sexism. It’s a perversion of the biological differences between men and women. It makes the men out to be strong, respected, violent, impulsive and replaceable. Women are more thoughtful, timid, empathetic, silly, disrespected and prized.

For the man who already has a natural inclination to put women on a pedestal… the societal pressure to do so pushes him over the edge into full-blown denial and maybe even an unhealthy level of worship.

 

 

The Friendzone

For the sad sap not in a romantic relationship, he’ll very often have a lot of female friends. Why? They are less threatening to him for one. He doesn’t like the feeling he gets when hanging around other men. He feels intimidated and vulnerable. He’s sensitive to the underlying heirarchy that exists among men… and he’s admittedly at the bottom of the pyramid.

He’s also convinced himself that he can have a more open and honest form of friendship with women. Strip away the testosterone and the stupid male competition and you’re left with honesty and emphathy, right? RIGHT!?!

Our sap hopes to escape the primitive and shallow behavior that he perceives with his male friends… but he doesn’t realize he’s also knee deep in that world with his female friends. He’s just blinded by their beauty and female ways.

Completely platonic male-female relationships are extremely rare. There is normally some form of give and take. Usually he gives and she takes. He has no boundaries. She is fully aware of the dynamic at play.

Girls get their homework done for them. Women get free drinks and a shoulder to cry on.

Our sap probably wishes that he WAS in a romantic relationship with one or more of his female friends. Obviously, he can’t tell them this outright. He hopes that his emotion-laden friendship will win him romantic points and she will eventually open to him, sexually. If he eventually gets up the nerve to ask her out, it will be waaaay too late. Due to his excessively emotional and needy behavior, he has ruined any chance of being romantic with her. He’s just another girlfriend.

He feels used. He feels angry because she’s not seeing that he is the perfect guy for her (silly delicate flower of a girl just can’t understand). He gets mad that the Jimmies of the world who win her affection so easily. Years of pedestalization and worship won’t even get him to first base. Yet, he sticks by her side. In fact he will be there to protect her and listen to her when she cries about her relationships with other men.

He’s on the backburner and he knows it. He’s cool with that… because she’s a woman. She’s on a pedestal.

 

Wake Up

Any of these things sound familiar?

“I never understood what you saw in her. You were way outta her league.”
“Dude… you need to stop being a doormat. She’s taking advantage of you.”
“Why do you put up with that from her?”

You’re as disposable as you want to be. You have value.

Your wife “Wouldn’t do that“? Yes she would. Of course she would. She’s a human. We are all capable of awfulness. She is not different. Her vagina gives her no key to the kingdom of heaven. She’s not a magical being worthy of fear. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around her. Tell her no. Tell her to knock it off. Show her the same respect you give to men… by treating her as an equal.

She’s one of a billion. Knock her ass off the pedestal.