What did I do wrong in my failed relationship?

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

When you write a blog like this one, you run the risk of it becoming a site where a man stomps his feet and says, “I AM AMAZING AND MY EX IS A DEMON AND I DID NOTHING WRONG”. In looking back on my postings over the past few years, I can see where I may come across that way. Hey, it’s understandable. This is an emotional topic, after all. Am I wrong? Well, no… not completely. She did awful things and it crushed me as her husband and partner, but I’m not some infallible perfect angel of a man, either. I had, and continue to have, my faults as a father, husband and as a human being. I’m human, after all.

If there was an overall theme to my time in marriage number one, it would be “Meh”. That was my disposition for much of my relationship: “Meh”. I wasn’t thrilled, I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t super happy… I wasn’t much of anything. Jesus, I was dull. I think deep down I knew my relationship wasn’t what I always wanted it to be, but it’s what I had. I lived with it. This “Hey, it’s good enough” theme permeated everything about our marriage together. I never once put my foot down and said, “I don’t like THIS. This needs to change and it needs to change now, or else we are done.” I could never conceive of such a stance. To be married, in my mind at the time, meant that you accepted certain shortcomings. You accepted life, warts and all. Were there lots of warts? Yes. But hey, that’s life. It ain’t perfect. You keep going.

I remember distinctly one moment in particular. I don’t know why it sticks out in my mind, and it sounds awful in hindsight, but I remember it vividly. I was on the bed, relaxing, and she was in the adjoining bathroom doing her makeup. She was just wearing her underwear and leaning in towards the mirror. I looked over at her… and I was so completey turned off in that moment. What should’ve been a sexy little candid moment that put a smile on my face was just me looking at my wife, the mother of my three children, and thinking, “… Yuck.”

That’s not right. That’s not a good thing. Not at all.

A real husband sees this situation and says to himself, “Okay… why am I so turned off right now? Because she’s out of shape? She’s overweight? She doesn’t workout anymore? She eats way too much? So, what are you doing about that? Anything? What about yourself? Do you think she’s looking at you and saying ‘Yum’? Probably not. Maybe you need to step up and be an example to her.” But, I didn’t. The thought didn’t even occur to me. I just rolled over and put it out of my mind. She was my wife and mother of my kids. What can I do, right? Such is life…

My passivity was completely and totally deplorable. It was lazy. It wasn’t fair to me, to her, or to our family. It was cowardly.

The bathroom mirror moment was one small moment in a series of dozens of moments over 20 years where life said to me, “Alright… here’s another test. What you gonna do, captain?”… and my answer was always, “Just leave me alone. I’m tired.”

I just didn’t care. Life wore me down. Work, the kids, the wife I lost attraction to… too many things to tackle. I just concentrated on my kids. I coached their teams. I helped with homework. I played with them constantly. I convinced myself that jumping completely into the dad box was proof of my awesomeness as a father and husband. No… it was an escape. I saw the hard work that needed to be done in the marriage… and I ran from it. “I shouldn’t have to do that”, I convinced myself.

My overweight wife was a mirror. I was looking at myself… not only in the most obvious way (I myself was out of shape), but I was also looking at the results of my “work” as her loving husband. I didn’t do the work of instilling in her an urge to keep herself in shape “for her man” (Because, honestly, why should she bother?), and I didn’t set an example for what a good partner does to keep the other one around. I didn’t set any example except one that said, ”Your job as a Lover is done once the kids start coming out”. No wonder she gave up… I gave up, too. I had given up as soon as that first kid came out. The combination of stress and need for comfort swallowed me up and spit me out as some effeminate wad of bubble gum. “Yaaay! I’m a great dad!” Yeah, but you REALLY sucked as a husband, dude.

We grew apart. That was obvious. I did my thing, she did hers. To keep that bond, to keep that attraction… that took real effort. I didn’t have it in me to keep up that level of work. Why? Well, we weren’t “meant to be”. In other words, we both should’ve just walked away very early on in the relationship. I knew it, she knew it, maybe even our families knew it. We kept at it in honor of our vows and in honor of the theme of staying together “no matter what”. It can be argued that it was an honorable goal, but when you ignore red flag after red flag… you realize you’re not just honoring your vows but instead ignoring the giant elephant in the room: We shouldn’t be together.

When you put two incompatible people together, it’s just a matter of time until the union breaks down. In my case, she ended up jumping into bed with another man. It was then that the veneer of marriage was stripped away and all the vices and red flags that were there throughout the relationship were laid bare. She had her compulsive behavior and childhood issues… I had my overly agreeable “lack of backbone nice guy” issues. Both sets of issues were amplified a hundred-fold when our marriage disintegrated.

For a giant chunk of the men I talk to, they are in the same boat. They are completely destroyed by their wife’s infidelity and subsequent divorce… then they have months or maybe years of introspection and growth… and they finally realize it was never “meant to be”. They had so many red flags for YEARS, and they did nothing. The relationship wasn’t some romantic fairy tale of love that would conquer all. It was simply two people that were put together with all of their warts and baggage, and neither had the balls to say, “Yeah… let’s both move on. Sorry.”

Live and learn.

“Should I take her back?”

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

 (Here is a common scenario from my readers:

  1. Man and wife have a boring sexual relationship. They both work. Kids. Stress. Blah existence. Wife angry and tired most of the time. Husband frustrated. He doesn’t feel validated and appreciated.
  2. Man discovers wife affair.
  3. Wife leaves the husband. Her behavior is “crazy” and the husband doesn’t understand any of it. Officially separated. 
  4. Wife lives life with her new boyfriend. The relationship doesn’t work out. She’s in bad financial shape. She’s not in a mentally healthy state. She returns to the husband, cries, begs for forgiveness. Wants to work on them all over again. Expresses much regret for her behavior.

Now, most of you reading this are probably saying, “Baahahahaha!! Nope! Sorry, bitch!”. But, for those of you still on the fence, let’s break this down.

There are a bazillion potential reasons why your wife had an affair in the first place. The most common life recipe for an affair (from my readers) seems to be:

  1. She had awful childhood baggage. Mom cheated on dad. Dad cheated on mom. She was abandoned. She suffered abuse. Her life as a child was some form of chaos.
  2. She had a history of impulsive pleasure-seeking behavior. Shopping. Eating. Drinking. A promiscuous past with old boyfriends and one-night-stands. She was THAT girl in college. The husband may or may not know about her past.
  3. She was overstressed by life. Kids. Work. Taking care of a house. Dealing with her mental issues…. it’s all too much to deal with. She badly needed her fix of chaos to help her cope.
  4. She was in a marriage with the quintessential Provider, and she got bored.  She needed that spark. That oomph. That something else to keep her motor going. It never came. Her nice but boring husband was no match for a woman who was born into chaos and spent her teen and young adult life seeking out dopamine hits.

The problem with these impulsive, pleasure-seeking types is that they will, invariably,  fall flat on their face. Unfortunately, for the modern-day woman, there is an army of people that are ready to pick up the pieces of her mistakes and help her on her way to the next disaster. These women just don’t learn their lesson. They don’t learn from their mistakes. Nobody allows them to.

When your wayward wife comes back to you with her tail between her legs, she’s asking for a bail out. She’s asking you to clean up the mess of her huge life mistakes. She allowed her impulses to take over, she understandably failed in a big way, and she CAN’T face the music. That is just not an option for her. She needs a quick and easy solution to her problem, and YOU, Mr. Guy she lived with all those years, are the easiest target. You’re familiar. You’re a for-sure thing. Based on your behavior and temperament during her infidelity and the subsequent breakup (you probably fought to save the marriage and begged her to stay), she knows that you are vulnerable to her charms and you long for your old life back. She knows what carrot to dangle in front to get you to go where she wants you to go.

Don’t you dare fall for it.

I don’t care what everyone tells you. I don’t care what your family says. There’s no upside to taking back a woman who left you and broke up your family so that she could chase the thrill of a new man. She just proved to you that she’s not a candidate for a Real Love relationship. Stop pretending that she is something she is not. 

Let’s say that she does have genuine remorse over what she did. She recognizes her faults and she owns up to her mistakes. She’s human, right? People make mistakes. I’ve said it myself: We all have the capability of doing awful things to others. You just have to find the right combination of buttons to push and you can turn anyone into a cheater. Running off and forming intimate relationships with others outside of your marriage is by no means unheard of. It’s incredibly common. Not everyone is cut out for a longterm monogamous relationship. That includes your wife.

You have discovered what your wife’s “must have affair” buttons were, and they included “Be married to a nice guy”. That doesn’t make her Satan, but it does make her a horrible wife candidate.

In essence, you’re the CEO, and you just discovered that your Vice President was stealing money from the company’s bank account and spending it on hookers and drugs. You confronted him and he quickly ran off and took a job at another company. Then he, of course, eventually got fired from that job. What does he do? He comes right back to you. He wants another chance. He will make his case and lay out reasons for his return. “Remember when we signed that big deal and made all that money last year? We can do that again!” If you take him back, you’re telling your employees, your shareholders and your customers that you can’t do any better than a drug-addicted thief who pays for hookers. That’s not a good thing for anyone involved and it will repercussions down the line for years and years. 

It’s tough to find a good life partner. Finding Real Love is like winning the lottery… and that’s okay. Having a life partner is icing on the cake of your life as a Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man. Your wife has shown you that she is not one of those good potential life partners. She has shown you that she is a losing lottery ticket. If you take this woman back, you are saying, “Hey… this is as good as I can get.”  

I know you long for the days of your old life back. I know you just want this nightmare to end and to go back to the way they were. Those days are long gone, my man. There’s no going back, nor do you WANT to go back. Those times were just a smokescreen. What you have now is the reality. You married and had kids with a very broken human being. Lesson learned. Move on to bigger and better things.

RECOMMENDED READING

Dear DSO: “My wife cheated and my whole world has changed.”

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Dear DSO:

Fourteen months ago I found out that my wife was cheating on me with a family friend. His dad was childhood friends with my dad. I’ve known him my whole life. We weren’t super close, but we saw each other pretty often during holidays and family outings. 

Like you mentioned in another post I found messages on her phone that she forgot to delete. When I found out about the affair, they had already been seeing each other for eight months. It took that long for her to slip up and forget to cover her tracks. She was an expert at lying. It’s been over a year now and I still can’t wrap my head around what happened. I know you talk about not trying to make sense of it and just let her go, but this is just the worst thing that has ever happened to me. My whole world has changed and I have no idea what I did to deserve any of this.

When I found out about the affair I confronted new friend/affair partner and things got physical. I punched him. He punched me back. The police were called. I was told to leave and two days later was told that she took out a protection order against me. My brother is an attorney and he said it wasn’t that big of a deal. It just means to stay away from her and that was probably a good idea. On top of the protection order, she was also telling everyone that I have been abusive and terrible to her the entire marriage. This is not true in any way. I’ve never done anything to hurt her. Ever. If anything I’ve been way too nice and a typical happy wife happy life kind of guy. She doesn’t care at all. All she cares about is getting me out of the picture so that she can move on with our “friend”. 

Now I have people that I have known for years that won’t talk to me. They won’t even look at me. They’re all convinced that I’m an abuser. Getting in a fight with him probably didn’t help my cause. She has told everyone that he is the sweet and kind man she always dreamed of and me punching him is proof that she needs to keep me away for her own safety. He’s the first person I’ve ever punched and probably the last.

We don’t have any kids. I’m told this will make the divorce a lot quicker and easier, but that’s not comforting at all. Even with all of this, there’s still a part of me that loves her. She was my best friend. We did everything together. I loved her more than anyone has ever loved another person. How can she just change like this? It doesn’t make any sense. One minute we’re talking about having our first kid, getting a bigger house and taking our dog to the vet and the next minute I’m seeing text messages on her phone and she’s done. 

Today would’ve been our sixth year anniversary. I just want to run away from all of this and start over somewhere new, but I have no other job prospects and I’ve been told to stay put for now until the whole divorce is over. I’m going to have to dig into my savings and may end up paying her money or buying out my part of the house. 

Thanks for listening and thanks for your website. 

Jamie

Jamie,

I can feel your pain, brother. This is still fresh and the divorce hasn’t been finalized yet. None of this is making much sense and nor should it… because it’s complete nonsense. Just know that the simple truth: Your wife caught feelings for another man and subsequently had to drop you. That’s it. She detached from you and attached to another. Since you didn’t go quietly into the night like she expected, she has to punish you to more forcefully push you away. That means a protection order, telling lies about you, and probably more and more negativity in the days to come. This is not “normal” behavior for a wayward wife, but it is far from unusual. Cheating men tend to slither away in shame or go super stoic and avoid any shows of emotion… cheating women tend to become psychotic, blame everyone around them, and mold the situation to their benefit. Remember, their social status is of utmost importance, so if she has to lie her way out of the situation, she will.

You also lashed out physically against the man she is now deeply in love with. You’re lucky you got a protection order and not a knife in the back… or worse. No more physical confrontations. It doesn’t solve anything, as you have learned. It just makes things exponentially worse.

On a more scientific note, if I did the math right… her affair came around the four year mark of your marriage. The fourth year is, in fact,  the most common for childless couples to file for divorce. As you probably now know, most of the time it’s the woman doing the filing. 

So where do you go from here? I think you’re on the right track with the “running away” idea, to be honest. Scrape some cash together, put pen to paper and figure out a plan for how you can move far away from there and never look back. Are you running from the situation? Yep. There’s nothing wrong with that. No kids. Wow, you are lucky. F those “friends” of yours, too. If they can’t see through her BS, then F em’ all. Move on. Start planning today. Sell everything. You can start over and be whoever the hell you want to be, my friend.

The quicker you physically get away and begin the process of “starting over”, the quicker your attachment to your ex will weaken and you will be a new and improved man. 

I’m biased, but I recommend you check out my book “Now What? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce.” It was pretty much written for men exactly in your position.  

Good luck to you. Get through the divorce process, take stock of your life, put a plan together and carry it out. You can do it. If you need some words of encouragement, join the Facebook group and the private men-only group to talk to guys in your shoes. You are not alone.

RECOMMENDED READING

How to Catch Your Wife Cheating

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

If you haven’t done so already, please read “Seven Signs That Your Wife is Cheating”. That post has been a huge eye-opener for many men who have that “gut feeling” that something was wrong and they needed a little nudge in the right direction. 

So, your wife is showing signs that she cheated on you, but you just aren’t 100% certain yet? Spoke to an attorney and they suggested you gather as much evidence as you can? Not sure you’ll be able to find out what you need? Worried you’ll be stuck in a state of limbo forever? Trust me… if she’s up to no good, you can find out. It may take a little bit of detective work, but she has slipped up somewhere and failed to cover her tracks. They all do.

It’s all about the phone.

If your wife is having an affair, she is definitely in regular communication with her affair partner. She is most likely doing so via her phone. She MAY be smart and use a second “burner” phone for her communication, but most likely she is using her regular every day phone. Going back and forth between phones would get annoying really fast. There’s always a chance that the burner phone gets found (and that would be tough to explain away) and hiding the phone means that responses to her lover’s messages will be delayed. Remember, she’s an addict, so she’s going to need her fix and she’s going to need it often. She can’t go long periods of time without communicating with her Lover.

Ideally, you would like to get your hands on her phone. How? Maybe you can look at it while she sleeps at night. Maybe you can grab it out of her purse when she’s not looking and hide it away. She’ll just think she lost it. Who cares if she orders a new one. It’s a small price to pay for gathering the evidence you need.

If you do get your hands on her phone, you want to first backup the phone data, including all of the messages and emails (this is important).  After that is done, you want to start scrolling through her phone and look for:

  1. Text messages
  2. Photos. Check deleted photos!
  3. Facebook and Messenger apps
  4. Email. Check deleted emails! Sent folder!
  5. Other messaging apps like Whatsapp and Kik.
  6. Check social media apps like Instagram that have direct messages.
  7. Look for Snapchat. There is no reason for a grown woman to have Snapchat.

While going through her phone, if you see anything that is incriminating, take a photo of her screen with YOUR phone. Save those photos and guard them with your life. Make sure she can’t ever see them. Email them to a separate account she knows nothing about, or directly to your attorney.

If you aren’t finding anything, it could be that she is being smart and erasing evidence as she goes. But, all is not lost. Remember the backup you made of her phone data? There are tools available that can go into the backup and bring back SOME of the texts and photos that she deleted. There are still traces of deleted data on the phone’s harddrive, and recovery programs are good at finding it.

Some Wondershare programs you may want to try:

dr.fone – iPhone Toolkit

dr. fone – Android Toolkit
Wondershare Software

The phone bill.

There’s always the trusty phone bill to fall back on. Sometimes the cheating wife forgets that the calls are all logged. Sometimes, if it’s not an iphone-to-iphone message, the bill will record who her text messages were sent to… and if the messages were just text or contained media (like photos). Logon to your telephone carrier account online, and check out recent bills. Find something? Save it. Send to the attorney.

The iPad connection.

I’ve heard this one more than a few times. Many people login to their social media accounts and/or have their Messages also set up on an iPad. They also tend to forget that they left themselves logged in and everything they are saying and doing is also seen on the iPad. I’ve heard of men watching their wives’ online affairs happen in real time. I’ve heard of children discovering affairs in this way. Yes, people do stupid things. People in affairs do really stupid things.

Track her car.

gps tracking device for carThis one surprises a lot of guys. Yes, there are ways you can track her car and see exactly where she is going at all times. She says she’s just going to the library to study or maybe to meet some friends for drinks? You can watch as her car ends up on the wrong side of town.

There are small GPS devices that can connect to the car via a magnet, and have an extremely long battery life… AND they allow you to watch a car’s whereabouts in real time via an app on your phone. That is some next level spy stuff. Click here to see one that I recommend. I would place it under the car, away from any moving parts, and preferably tucked behind something so she can’t see it if she goes snooping around or takes the car in for an oil change.

Secretely record her conversations.

Voice activated recorderMany times a wayward wife will have secret telephone conversations with her affair partner. To avoid having the calls show up on the phone bill, she may use apps like Facetime or Whatsapp. Usually these conversations take place in her car while she’s driving and away from her pesky husband and kids. Lucky for you, there’s a way you can hear what she is saying.

There are devices called “Voice Activated Recorders“. Just like it sounds, these small recording devices have microphones that are triggered by sound. Once somebody near the device starts making noise, the device starts recording. These gadgets are great for placing under the driver or passenger seat of the car (preferably attached securely under the seat with duct tape or velcro). If your wife starts talking on her phone, it will pick up her voice and start recording.  At a later time, you grab the device out of her car and listen to what was recorded. You may have to sit through a lot of nonsense noise, pointless conversations and her singing along to the radio… but you may also get the crucial evidence that you need.

RECOMMENDED READING

Dear DSO: “My friend says my wife is cheating…”

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO:

One of my best friends went through a really bad divorce about a year and a half ago. His wife had an affair with a guy from her work (she’s a nurse). Ever since then he’s been talking to me about how women cheat way more than we think and most of the women out there today are just like his ex-wife. I thought he sounded like a typical divorced woman hater so I didn’t let it bother me.  I understand he’s going through a lot of pain.

 

He told me that I really needed to read your site and listen to your podcast. I liked what I read and told him it all made sense and I’m here to help him out however I can, but he needs to go easy on reading so much because he’s going to go nuts and he’s starting to annoy everyone we hang out with. He told me that he wanted me to read your site because he thinks MY wife is cheating too. I told him he was full of shit and going too far. He started listing all the signs of a cheating wife that you outlined and yes… my wife does do some of those things. But doesn’t every wife?

 

My wife has been going out with her friends more. After our daughter turned 6 and started going to school, she felt like she could go back to her old self and start to party and have fun again. I am supportive of her and don’t see any problems with hanging out with friends. I know all her friends and they are all really good people. They’re not the type that would support her if she cheated on me. I’m very close to all of them and know all of their husbands and kids.

 

About six months ago she asked me about getting breast implants. She’s always hated her body after our daughter breast fed. I think she’s gorgeous, but her self-esteem problems have had an effect on our sex life. She doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and physical with me (in her words). She got the boob job and we are still paying for it. I thought the boob job would help fix things as far as sex goes but it didn’t. It hasn’t changed at all.

 

My wife has also become addicted to her phone and social media. She’s on it all day every day. She mostly does Instagram and Facebook but I also saw that she is on Snapchat. I don’t spy on her and don’t think any spouse should do that in a healthy relationship.

 

I would say that overall my wife has become more defensive and argumentative. Anything I bring up will usually end up in her getting pissed off. It’s now to the point where if it doesn’t involve her hanging out with friends then she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s very defensive and will say that she deserves to go out and have fun after being home with our kid for six years and basically raising her alone (I work a lot of hours and travel).

 

That’s it. From those things my friend is sure that my wife is cheating just like his ex did. The two of them were friends (and still are), and my wife probably knew about the affair of her friend. She says she didn’t but I find it hard to believe. 

 

What do you think? Is it fair to really judge people like this just based on a few things they do?

Brian

Brian,

Let’s recap:

  1. Your wife’s friend, your friend’s wife, had an affair. Your wife probably knew when this affair was going on, but never brought it up or did anything to stop it. In fact, they’re still friends after the truth came out. Not good.
  2. Your wife is now partying it up after enduring six years of being a stay-at-home mom.
  3. Your wife got a boob job to improve her self-image and, presumably, to get her more comfortable being physical with her husband again. Didn’t work. Not good.
  4. You’re in a dead bedroom marriage.
  5. She’s always on her phone.
  6. She’s always looking to start a fight.

So… do I think she’s cheating? No idea. Do I think she has laid the groundwork for what is a fertile affair-growing environment? Yep.

Her actions are bad news. They lead to one of two places:

  1. A bad marriage
  2. An affair

She’s acting like a brat. She’s rebelling. She’s bringing up the six years of being with your kid at home as reason enough for her to act in this way. Based on the tone of your email, I would assume that you have done little to nothing to put an end to the behavior. It may be too late at this point, but you need to do something if you want this marriage to continue.

Your friend is understandably emotional over his divorce. Men in his position found answers to some of his troublesome issues on my website, so he’s excited and trying to share “the gospel”. It’s not unlike the guy who found Jesus after going to rehab. It’s annoying to everyone around him, but you have to understand where he’s coming from. Finally, SOMEBODY connected the dots and made sense out of his turmoil-filled life. He has solutions. He sees a friend in danger, and he wants to throw you the rope to save you.

You may have caught your wife early on and you’re able to stop her from crossing the line into affair territory… or maybe not. Do I think you should spy on her? Yep. She’s your wife. Your lives are far too intertwined to just leave things to “trust”. Her actions have shown that there’s something to worry about. So… you investigate. Get her phone. Get into her social media accounts. Track her car. I have a feeling you’re going to be surprised at what you find… and not in a good way. These type of behaviors usually coincide with a lot of secrets. Not necessarily CHEATING, but secrets none the less. Not good for a marriage.

Good luck.

DSO

RECOMMENDED READING

Seven Signs That Your Wife is Cheating

Estimated Reading Time: 10 minutes

As I outlined in “My Wife Wouldn’t Do That” , there is a phenomenon of bewildered and shocked men that just CANNOT believe their wife would be capable of doing awful things like committing infidelity. Even when presented with ongoing warning signs and conclusive evidence of wrongdoing,  men deny and rationalize any bad behavior from their wife. “No sir. Not my wife. Nope.”

These warning signs of a cheating wife are so damn common that every man early in life should be handed a pamphlet titled, “HOW TO TELL YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR”.  The more we teach our sons these valuable life skills, the more likely they are to keep their girlfriends and wives off the proverbial pedestal and treat them with the same cautious optimism they give to every other human in their life.

Why are men so blind to the obvious?

We think like MEN. We have a hard time thinking like women. It’s an entire perspective on life that we don’t really have a very good grasp of. When we think of cheating, we think of it as a guy.

As guys, we are biologically programmed to be polygamous. We physically want lots of different women (See: pornography, strip clubs, creepily staring at women, etc.). When us good guys are happy and comfortable in a relationship (especially after having kids), we may not be able to completely turn OFF that urge for other women, but we can set it aside and prop up the other needs in our life. We turn the “raging horny sex machine” dial down to a 4 and turn up the “nice guy dad” dial all the way up to a 10.

For most of us, NOT getting lots of different women in bed is not an intense struggle that we must battle with on a daily basis. It’s not a huge deal. If we are doing our job right as a husband, we’re getting plenty of intimacy from our wife. Still not enough? In a sexless marriage? Well… that’s why we have all those outlets for our male libido.

So, when we good guys think of cheating… we frame it from our perspective. We think that cheating is a result of the strong biological urge that we, as good guys, are able to temper and fulfill in other ways. From our years with our wife, it is safe to say that our own libido easily outpaces hers. Since we are able to fight such an admittedly strong urge, surely she can fight an urge that seemed to go dormant for weeks or months or years at a time.

Her affair is not so simple.

What men fail to realize is that the wife’s affair is not just a matter of, “I’m tired of the same penis and need something new”. It’s not something that could have been resolved with Pornhub, a little privacy and five minutes during a lunch break.

Her affair is a huge life-changing event that not only calls into question all aspects of her personal relationship with you but also her overall purpose as a woman on this planet. The affair will elicit extreme waves of emotion that we, as men, can’t conceive of. It’s an existential crisis of gargantuan proportions.

As a result, she will seem to morph into a new human being right before your eyes.

This isn’t just your wife going out and getting a piece on the side. This affair was the result of a little chink in your wife’s armor (lack of boundaries) that eventually resulted in physical bonding with another man. That, in turn, caused a tidal wave of changes in her entire being. Nature took over at that point.

This person isn’t your wife at all anymore. Your wife died the moment she had sexual relations with another man. Saying she went through a metamorphosis is not strong enough language. You now have a stranger living with you.

Since you now have this strange person sitting in your living room, you start noticing all new behaviors. It’s kind of like when you first make a new friend and start hanging out with them for long periods of time. All of their unique flaws, habits, and eccentricities take center stage.

Your spouse’s new role as “adulterous wife” brings with it a whole new set of predictable behavior.

We know what she’s going to do… because they all do it! She’s not special. She’s a cheating wife.

Before we get started with the list…

One thing that I have to mention: Many adulterous wives begin cheating after some kind of stressful, life-altering event has taken place. This could be something as serious as a miscarriage, death of a parent, or major health scare…  or something as innocuous as a job promotion. That life event was enough to flip a switch in her brain and cause the boundaries to collapse and allow in one (or more) of the multitudes of men ready and willing to take her to bed.

So, if any of the below sound familiar to you AND you just endured some type of life-changing event, then I believe that it’s time to be worried.

1. She Spends More Time Away From You and the Family

While I contend that the wife you know and love has “died”, there is still a small part of the old her lurking in there somewhere… under a giant pile of all those new feelings she now has overwhelming her psyche. Every time she sets foot in the house, looks at you, hugs your kid, pets the dog… that little piece of the old her that is buried so deep starts to squirm a little. This is extremely unsettling for her. She is happiest in her new role with her new affair partner, and doesn’t want to go back to the old unhappy her.

How can she best deal with this battle going on inside her brain? She needs to get away from the family and everything associated with the old her as much as possible. She may “walk away” completely, but you typically see more time at the “gym” or “work” or the typical “girls night out” with friends (these are all covers for wild monkey sex with her new boyfriend).

When she’s away from the family unit and with her new man, that completely silences the old her that is buried so deep. This feels beyond amazing. Heroin and alcohol have nothing on this feeling. This is that coveted “New Relationship Energy” you read so much about. Actually, you can call it SUPER New Relationship Energy… because it’s the newness of a relationship combined with the secret, dirty, forbidden nature of the affair. She will do whatever she can to keep it up. She can’t do that when you and the kids are right in her face.

What if she can’t physically get away from you? Well, then she will have to mentally withdraw. She will spend way more time on her phone. Social media, text messaging, etc… They all give her the validation and attention she needs to not only escape from the real world but to also confirm that what she is doing is the right thing. Every little change she makes to herself will be documented and shared online. She will gladly show off the weight loss, the new hair, the tattoo, and the new little nose piercing. The response will be overwhelmingly positive. “You go, girl!” To her, all of these new things she is doing and her affair are all part of her personal reawakening. They are part of a new and BETTER version of her. In her affair-fogged mind, if her friends on Facebook say that they like her new tattoo, then that means they like EVERYTHING else about her new life… therefore the whole affair and crazy behavior that goes with it is perfectly justified and was meant to be.

Yes, women in affairs are completely crazy.

2. She Suddenly Looks and Acts Younger

When the wife is having an affair, she is in the early stages of the mating game. She is restarting the clock and going back into “secure new mate” mode. That means projecting the most attractive version of herself possible. This will involve weight loss and probably dressing younger and more provocatively (because youth wins in the mating game). She’s simply trying to impress the new man and get him to settle down with her and only her. It’s biological. It’s very predictable. All women do this early on in relationships when they deem their man worthy of the extra time and work. They look their best, act younger and are more sexual.

What you’re witnessing is what your wife did with you early in your own relationship (hopefully). You just forgot what it looked like.

3. Random Thoughts Leaking Out of her Brain

Cheating women have a hard time keeping their secrets to themselves. Whether it’s due to a subconscious desire to spill the beans or the love-chemicals fogging their brain, they just can’t keep the cat in the bag for very long. If your ears are finely tuned to picking up the signals, you can hear some tell-tale phrases or questions that should have you concerned. Usually, they come at the most random moments with little to no context.

“I would never have an open relationship. Would you?”

“Tina at work is having an affair.”

“If you were to ever cheat on me, I would chop off your balls.”

Who are you texting? What are you talking about?”

“Why did you come home from work late? You usually get home 10 minutes earlier.”

“I bet you wish you could have other women. You’ve probably cheated on me in the past… like when I was fat and pregnant.”

“Have you heard about being Polyamorous?”

The cheating wife’s Tourrettes-like outbursts are sometimes a form of projection.  She doesn’t realize that you’re not in her brain hearing her thoughts, so when she randomly says “I would never have an open relationship” while you’re at your son’s soccer practice, she’s letting some the cognitive dissonance steam out of the pressure cooker in her head.  It’s kind of like the woman who declares on the first date, “We’re not having sex tonight! Just so you know!” as you are buying popcorn at the movies. You were just thinking about whether or not to also get M&M’s, and she’s thinking about you two having sex. This means she’s thinking about sex with you, and you will most likely have sex with her that night.

4. She is Suddenly More Sexual and Experimental

The cold and frigid wife who used to cringe when talking about oral sex is now suddenly wearing crotchless underwear and asks you if you’d like to try anal sex.

WOW!” most men say. “My cold and frigid wife finally got turned on! This is great!”

No, your wife misses her new man and is going to play pretend with you. You’re essentially a sex toy. Oh, she’s turned on, alright… just not by you. She will shut her eyes and imagine that it’s him doing those things to her. At the same time, she’s also trying new things out on you before doing them with her new man.  She may even say something obvious like, “What does my butt look like from THIS angle? Not too fat?” or “Do you like it when I do THIS or THIS better?” or “Should I shave completely or leave some of it?”

For betrayed men, this is a very brutal time. They were sure that these moments represented true lust and attraction from their wife (towards them)… when in fact it was just the opposite.

5. She Needs Space

I’m reminded of the story of the soldier who is off to war in Iraq, burning up in a tent in the middle of the desert. He gets the typical “Dear John” letter from his woman back home. “I need space, she says. “Space? I’m thousands of miles away in Iraq! How much more space does she need?!” he screams.

“I need space” = You are no longer a couple. The emotional and physical jump from you to the new man is most likely complete.

She now feels comfortable enough to completely detach from you and attach to her new mate. She no longer needs the home base to return back to. She was testing things out for a while, feeling the emotions, figuring out the logistics of living on her own… and finally made the giant mental leap to the new man. By this stage, she has already opened a new bank account, called up the cosmetic surgeon, met with the attorney and discussed the big life move with her friends.

You will most likely be completely oblivious to all this until it is too late.

6. She Rewrites History

While she is in the process of detaching from you, one thought is paramount: “What will everyone think of me?” Her social status is of the utmost importance. She can’t simply tell friends, “Oh, I left him because I fell for another dude that I think is way better.” No, she needs to come up with reasons that nobody can argue with.

“He peed on the toilet sometimes” and “He wasn’t good at doing laundry” or “He was just too nice and boring” aren’t enough to warrant the breakup of a family, so… it’s time to make up some stuff! Whatever it takes to make her the victim and justified in her actions, even if that means completely making up stories with no basis in truth, she will do it. Sometimes those stories can send a man to a police station for questioning, or worse.

That may mean saying these made up stories right to your face. Let that sink in. She will make up stories about your relationship… to you. The guy she had the relationship with.

If she can lie directly to YOUR face, just think what she is saying to others behind your back.

I shared the time that my ex said to me, You never support me in anything I do! You made me take this job!” after I told her that maybe she was leaving me alone with the kids and going out with friends too often. I was completely shocked. It made zero sense at the time. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s much easier to leave a tyrant than to leave a nice guy. Not a tyrant? She’ll just pretend that you are! That’ll do the trick.

7. She Lies About Everything.

With such an intense life-altering experience comes a very foggy mind that just can’t keep straight what is reality and what is a lie. She’s filled with anxiety, joy, lustfulness, sadness, depression… all these ingredients that make up the uniquely awful thing that is the mind of the wayward wife. Considering the turmoil in her brain, it’s no wonder that every little word coming out of her mouth must be scrutinized. “Believe what she does, not what she says” people will often tell you. So true.

More succinctly: She’s an addict. Addicts are liars.

Even the most mundane and innocent details of her life will not add up. It’s almost as if she’s thinking, “It’s so tough to keep straight all these things in my head, I might as well default to lying. It’s just so much easier… and safer.”

Let’s say you asked her if she stopped and bought milk on the way home. If she says yes, you immediately run to the store to pick up a gallon or your kids won’t have cereal in the morning. “Did you pay the utility bill?” “Yep!” she says. You better check to make sure it’s paid or your lights will get turned off.

“I don’t get it. Why did she lie about THAT?” – Every man with a cheating wife.

Don’t try to make sense of it all. Just realize that all of these things are typical cheating wife behaviors. They all point to a clouded mind, intense emotions and physical/mental metamorphosis. This is usually very bad news for you.

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