Seven Signs That Your Wife is Cheating

Estimated Reading Time: 10 minutes

As I outlined in “My Wife Wouldn’t Do That” , there is a phenomenon of bewildered and shocked men that just CANNOT believe their wife would be capable of doing awful things like committing infidelity. Even when presented with ongoing warning signs and conclusive evidence of wrongdoing,  men deny and rationalize any bad behavior from their wife. “No sir. Not my wife. Nope.”

These warning signs of a cheating wife are so damn common that every man early in life should be handed a pamphlet titled, “HOW TO TELL YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR”.  The more we teach our sons these valuable life skills, the more likely they are to keep their girlfriends and wives off the proverbial pedestal and treat them with the same cautious optimism they give to every other human in their life.

Why are men so blind to the obvious?

We think like MEN. We have a hard time thinking like women. It’s an entire perspective on life that we don’t really have a very good grasp of. When we think of cheating, we think of it as a guy.

As guys, we are biologically programmed to be polygamous. We physically want lots of different women (See: pornography, strip clubs, creepily staring at women, etc.). When us good guys are happy and comfortable in a relationship (especially after having kids), we may not be able to completely turn OFF that urge for other women, but we can set it aside and prop up the other needs in our life. We turn the “raging horny sex machine” dial down to a 4 and turn up the “nice guy dad” dial all the way up to a 10.

For most of us, NOT getting lots of different women in bed is not an intense struggle that we must battle with on a daily basis. It’s not a huge deal. If we are doing our job right as a husband, we’re getting plenty of intimacy from our wife. Still not enough? In a sexless marriage? Well… that’s why we have all those outlets for our male libido.

So, when we good guys think of cheating… we frame it from our perspective. We think that cheating is a result of the strong biological urge that we, as good guys, are able to temper and fulfill in other ways. From our years with our wife, it is safe to say that our own libido easily outpaces hers. Since we are able to fight such an admittedly strong urge, surely she can fight an urge that seemed to go dormant for weeks or months or years at a time.

Her affair is not so simple.

What men fail to realize is that the wife’s affair is not just a matter of, “I’m tired of the same penis and need something new”. It’s not something that could have been resolved with Pornhub, a little privacy and five minutes during a lunch break.

Her affair is a huge life-changing event that not only calls into question all aspects of her personal relationship with you but also her overall purpose as a woman on this planet. The affair will elicit extreme waves of emotion that we, as men, can’t conceive of. It’s an existential crisis of gargantuan proportions.

As a result, she will seem to morph into a new human being right before your eyes.

This isn’t just your wife going out and getting a piece on the side. This affair was the result of a little chink in your wife’s armor (lack of boundaries) that eventually resulted in physical bonding with another man. That, in turn, caused a tidal wave of changes in her entire being. Nature took over at that point.

This person isn’t your wife at all anymore. Your wife died the moment she had sexual relations with another man. Saying she went through a metamorphosis is not strong enough language. You now have a stranger living with you.

Since you now have this strange person sitting in your living room, you start noticing all new behaviors. It’s kind of like when you first make a new friend and start hanging out with them for long periods of time. All of their unique flaws, habits, and eccentricities take center stage.

Your spouse’s new role as “adulterous wife” brings with it a whole new set of predictable behavior.

We know what she’s going to do… because they all do it! She’s not special. She’s a cheating wife.

Before we get started with the list…

One thing that I have to mention: Many adulterous wives begin cheating after some kind of stressful, life-altering event has taken place. This could be something as serious as a miscarriage, death of a parent, or major health scare…  or something as innocuous as a job promotion. That life event was enough to flip a switch in her brain and cause the boundaries to collapse and allow in one (or more) of the multitudes of men ready and willing to take her to bed.

So, if any of the below sound familiar to you AND you just endured some type of life-changing event, then I believe that it’s time to be worried.

1. She Spends More Time Away From You and the Family

While I contend that the wife you know and love has “died”, there is still a small part of the old her lurking in there somewhere… under a giant pile of all those new feelings she now has overwhelming her psyche. Every time she sets foot in the house, looks at you, hugs your kid, pets the dog… that little piece of the old her that is buried so deep starts to squirm a little. This is extremely unsettling for her. She is happiest in her new role with her new affair partner, and doesn’t want to go back to the old unhappy her.

How can she best deal with this battle going on inside her brain? She needs to get away from the family and everything associated with the old her as much as possible. She may “walk away” completely, but you typically see more time at the “gym” or “work” or the typical “girls night out” with friends (these are all covers for wild monkey sex with her new boyfriend).

When she’s away from the family unit and with her new man, that completely silences the old her that is buried so deep. This feels beyond amazing. Heroin and alcohol have nothing on this feeling. This is that coveted “New Relationship Energy” you read so much about. Actually, you can call it SUPER New Relationship Energy… because it’s the newness of a relationship combined with the secret, dirty, forbidden nature of the affair. She will do whatever she can to keep it up. She can’t do that when you and the kids are right in her face.

What if she can’t physically get away from you? Well, then she will have to mentally withdraw. She will spend way more time on her phone. Social media, text messaging, etc… They all give her the validation and attention she needs to not only escape from the real world but to also confirm that what she is doing is the right thing. Every little change she makes to herself will be documented and shared online. She will gladly show off the weight loss, the new hair, the tattoo, and the new little nose piercing. The response will be overwhelmingly positive. “You go, girl!” To her, all of these new things she is doing and her affair are all part of her personal reawakening. They are part of a new and BETTER version of her. In her affair-fogged mind, if her friends on Facebook say that they like her new tattoo, then that means they like EVERYTHING else about her new life… therefore the whole affair and crazy behavior that goes with it is perfectly justified and was meant to be.

Yes, women in affairs are completely crazy.

2. She Suddenly Looks and Acts Younger

When the wife is having an affair, she is in the early stages of the mating game. She is restarting the clock and going back into “secure new mate” mode. That means projecting the most attractive version of herself possible. This will involve weight loss and probably dressing younger and more provocatively (because youth wins in the mating game). She’s simply trying to impress the new man and get him to settle down with her and only her. It’s biological. It’s very predictable. All women do this early on in relationships when they deem their man worthy of the extra time and work. They look their best, act younger and are more sexual.

What you’re witnessing is what your wife did with you early in your own relationship (hopefully). You just forgot what it looked like.

3. Random Thoughts Leaking Out of her Brain

Cheating women have a hard time keeping their secrets to themselves. Whether it’s due to a subconscious desire to spill the beans or the love-chemicals fogging their brain, they just can’t keep the cat in the bag for very long. If your ears are finely tuned to picking up the signals, you can hear some tell-tale phrases or questions that should have you concerned. Usually, they come at the most random moments with little to no context.

“I would never have an open relationship. Would you?”

“Tina at work is having an affair.”

“If you were to ever cheat on me, I would chop off your balls.”

Who are you texting? What are you talking about?”

“Why did you come home from work late? You usually get home 10 minutes earlier.”

“I bet you wish you could have other women. You’ve probably cheated on me in the past… like when I was fat and pregnant.”

“Have you heard about being Polyamorous?”

The cheating wife’s Tourrettes-like outbursts are sometimes a form of projection.  She doesn’t realize that you’re not in her brain hearing her thoughts, so when she randomly says “I would never have an open relationship” while you’re at your son’s soccer practice, she’s letting some the cognitive dissonance steam out of the pressure cooker in her head.  It’s kind of like the woman who declares on the first date, “We’re not having sex tonight! Just so you know!” as you are buying popcorn at the movies. You were just thinking about whether or not to also get M&M’s, and she’s thinking about you two having sex. This means she’s thinking about sex with you, and you will most likely have sex with her that night.

4. She is Suddenly More Sexual and Experimental

The cold and frigid wife who used to cringe when talking about oral sex is now suddenly wearing crotchless underwear and asks you if you’d like to try anal sex.

WOW!” most men say. “My cold and frigid wife finally got turned on! This is great!”

No, your wife misses her new man and is going to play pretend with you. You’re essentially a sex toy. Oh, she’s turned on, alright… just not by you. She will shut her eyes and imagine that it’s him doing those things to her. At the same time, she’s also trying new things out on you before doing them with her new man.  She may even say something obvious like, “What does my butt look like from THIS angle? Not too fat?” or “Do you like it when I do THIS or THIS better?” or “Should I shave completely or leave some of it?”

For betrayed men, this is a very brutal time. They were sure that these moments represented true lust and attraction from their wife (towards them)… when in fact it was just the opposite.

5. She Needs Space

I’m reminded of the story of the soldier who is off to war in Iraq, burning up in a tent in the middle of the desert. He gets the typical “Dear John” letter from his woman back home. “I need space, she says. “Space? I’m thousands of miles away in Iraq! How much more space does she need?!” he screams.

“I need space” = You are no longer a couple. The emotional and physical jump from you to the new man is most likely complete.

She now feels comfortable enough to completely detach from you and attach to her new mate. She no longer needs the home base to return back to. She was testing things out for a while, feeling the emotions, figuring out the logistics of living on her own… and finally made the giant mental leap to the new man. By this stage, she has already opened a new bank account, called up the cosmetic surgeon, met with the attorney and discussed the big life move with her friends.

You will most likely be completely oblivious to all this until it is too late.

6. She Rewrites History

While she is in the process of detaching from you, one thought is paramount: “What will everyone think of me?” Her social status is of the utmost importance. She can’t simply tell friends, “Oh, I left him because I fell for another dude that I think is way better.” No, she needs to come up with reasons that nobody can argue with.

“He peed on the toilet sometimes” and “He wasn’t good at doing laundry” or “He was just too nice and boring” aren’t enough to warrant the breakup of a family, so… it’s time to make up some stuff! Whatever it takes to make her the victim and justified in her actions, even if that means completely making up stories with no basis in truth, she will do it. Sometimes those stories can send a man to a police station for questioning, or worse.

That may mean saying these made up stories right to your face. Let that sink in. She will make up stories about your relationship… to you. The guy she had the relationship with.

If she can lie directly to YOUR face, just think what she is saying to others behind your back.

I shared the time that my ex said to me, You never support me in anything I do! You made me take this job!” after I told her that maybe she was leaving me alone with the kids and going out with friends too often. I was completely shocked. It made zero sense at the time. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s much easier to leave a tyrant than to leave a nice guy. Not a tyrant? She’ll just pretend that you are! That’ll do the trick.

7. She Lies About Everything.

With such an intense life-altering experience comes a very foggy mind that just can’t keep straight what is reality and what is a lie. She’s filled with anxiety, joy, lustfulness, sadness, depression… all these ingredients that make up the uniquely awful thing that is the mind of the wayward wife. Considering the turmoil in her brain, it’s no wonder that every little word coming out of her mouth must be scrutinized. “Believe what she does, not what she says” people will often tell you. So true.

More succinctly: She’s an addict. Addicts are liars.

Even the most mundane and innocent details of her life will not add up. It’s almost as if she’s thinking, “It’s so tough to keep straight all these things in my head, I might as well default to lying. It’s just so much easier… and safer.”

Let’s say you asked her if she stopped and bought milk on the way home. If she says yes, you immediately run to the store to pick up a gallon or your kids won’t have cereal in the morning. “Did you pay the utility bill?” “Yep!” she says. You better check to make sure it’s paid or your lights will get turned off.

“I don’t get it. Why did she lie about THAT?” – Every man with a cheating wife.

Don’t try to make sense of it all. Just realize that all of these things are typical cheating wife behaviors. They all point to a clouded mind, intense emotions and physical/mental metamorphosis. This is usually very bad news for you.

Recommended Reading

DSO’s Relationship Rules

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes
  1.  Baggage matters. Don’t underestimate the impact of your mate’s childhood on her present-day self. It matters. A lot. Same goes for you. Don’t just gloss over past sexual abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, abusive relationships, etc. If the person you are partnering with hasn’t handled these issues in a healthy and productive manner, they will bubble up at a later time and take you and everyone around you down.
  2.  She’s not perfect. She’s flawed. She’s capable of awfulness. She’s human. Stop treating her like royalty. Treat her with the same guarded optimism you give to the men in your life. Trust, but verify.
  3.  Don’t rely on your mate for your sense of self. They will resent you for it, and rightly so. Put up boundaries between you and them. Be an individual. Let them be an individual. Come together as a team. If they fall, they fall… and you’re strong enough to move on without them.
  4.  Have principles. Stick to them. You know what is right and wrong. You know what you believe in. You know what you will put up with. STICK TO IT. I know she may be great in the sack and make you feel like a million bucks, but you need to be a man of character. A man of integrity. A man of substance. Don’t throw all that out for some woman who gives you butterflies.
  5. Be the rock. Yes, you must show vulnerability to be in a healthy relationship but realize that the more you veer from the path of being the strong oak, the more she will resent you. It’s a delicate balancing game. Be open and true with your feelings, but do so in a strong manner that emphasizes your ability to weather the storm. Show her that she can count on her man.
  6. Looks matter. Women find 80% of available men to be unattractive. Always strive to be in the top 20%. Hit the gym. Dress well. Do it for yourself. Have some self-respect.
  7. Be both the Lover and the provider. Err more on the Lover side. Every nice guy can play the part of the Provider, only a few can successfully play the Lover role. The typical loser Lover can easily gain the affection of the best Provider’s wife. The Provider is no match for the Lover when it comes to the mating game
  8. Don’t ever feel pressured to settle down. There is no hurry. You have no biological clock. Don’t listen to the common shaming tactics. If you’re going to be in a relationship, do it right. Take your time. Date lots of women, because the vast majority you meet will not be longterm relationship worthy.
  9. Comfort and familiarity kill a woman’s sex drive. Women get bored in marriages, way more so than men. Keep her interested. Be a guy other women would gladly fool around with. Don’t castrate yourself and try to nice your way into your wife’s heart. It doesn’t work.
  10. Marry a woman that doesn’t need your money. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a financial disaster. Two strong individuals make a good partnership, and that’s true when it comes to money, as well. In today’s day and age, it’s way too easy for a woman to suddenly leave her husband and take half his assets and a steady diet of child support and alimony. If she’s not gainfully employed, she’s a good girlfriend candidate at best… not a wife.
  11. You don’t NEED to be in a serious longterm relationship. The more you feel you need it, the more likely you are to end in a disaster. Your neediness will just attract all kinds of trouble… and there is A LOT of trouble out there.

Dissecting Dead Bedrooms

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

We all know the tried-and-true stereotype of the typical modern day marriage:

Man is horny and ready to go at any time. Even though his wife is older, heavier and not nearly as bubbly and sweet as she was in the honeymoon stage of their early relationship, he still loves her intensely. He still has the soft/romantic feelings of love and devotion for her, as well as the harder more sexual/lustful feelings that have been there since puberty. Saying “I do” didn’t change a thing for him in the horniness department.

How does SHE feel about him and their sex life? Well, if you watch her actions… she sure seems indifferent and most of the time annoyed by his sexual and loving advances. The husband craves the intimacy and validation that comes with having sex with this wife, and the wife… she just seems to crave rest and a glass of wine. She seems overwhelmed much of the time and the husband is made to feel like part of the problem, instead of the gateway to sexual fun that he hopes to portray.

Sure, the lovable loser husband will sometimes get table scraps from the wife. Sometimes his whining and pouting are too much and the wife will undo her sweat pants and head to the bedroom. “Okay… but we’re not doing oral. That makes my jaw hurt and you haven’t showered yet today. Get batteries from the kitchen. The ones in my vibrator are dead.”

What exactly is going on here? Is this just inevitable? If you have heart-to-heart conversations with your buddies, the majority of them will report much of the same thing. They want sex. She doesn’t most of the time. They are frustrated. They just live with it. What else can they do?

Some men eventually hit the end of their sexual rope. They can’t take it anymore. Usually, some kind of event gets them to the point of no return. Maybe they were hit on by some sexy, pretty thing at the company Christmas party. Maybe some gal at the office was talking about what a lucky woman their wife is to have an attractive and sweet guy like him. Maybe the wife got very angry the last time he attempted a moment of intimacy and said really hurtful things that made him question his role in their marriage. Whatever it was, something has flipped the switch in their brain and they’ve had enough.

Men who have “had enough” usually don’t walk away. They search for solutions. Fixes. They identify the problem, they figure out what to do, they do it, it fails. They try again. That’s usually how they get to websites like this one and buy books like The Dead Bedroom Fix.

The cold hard truth is that your wife is just not sexually attracted to you. Barring any kind of physical issues (birth control, hormonal issues, etc), the fire IS in there… Just not for you.  Instead of reading up on why your wife doesn’t want sex, you should instead look at why you’re not pushing your wife’s “must have sex with this man” buttons. It could be a myriad of reasons, but going down the easy road of “she’s just not that sexual” or “she’s just overstressed” isn’t going to get you closer to a solution.

A lot of men come to my website after discovering their wife in an affair. The majority of these affairs were precipitated by a long dead bedroom period. They didn’t get sex from their wife. She wasn’t into doing THAT anymore. Wife was tired. Wife was cranky. Then the the husband sees or hears something that gives him a bad gut feeling. He starts snooping. He makes the big discovery. He says was all guys in this situation say:

She did that with HIM?! She would never do that with ME!?”

The simple truth is that the fire was in there all along, and it took some loser at the bar or some random coworker to bring it out. Your long, comfort-based relationship of so many years is no match for “Wow… you look really hot” from some casual acquaintance that everyone says is a complete asshole.

Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a rare scenario. It happens a lot. I have the emails and website visitors to prove it.

Want to learn the key to turning around your sexless marriage? Want to fix the dead bedroom once and for all? Already divorced and don’t want to go down that inevitable road again with your next partner? The irony is that the beginning of the long road toward a solution can be found within the frame of the common wife affair.  Start at the end if you want to find the truth.

MEN: ARE YOU IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE?

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN OUT THERE NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR SEX LIVES. What is going on? Is the tried-and-true stereotype of the undersexed husband and the cold, bossy wife inevitable? Are monogamous relationships doomed to such a pitiful state? Is that just the way marriage is?

I DON'T THINK SO.

To make a long story short, several years ago I was married for 15 years, discovered infidelity, quickly divorced and found myself newly single and sharing custody of three little kids. I then started a website at www.dadstartingover.com. After chatting with many men in my situation , I slowly started to notice patterns of behavior. Most men experienced long “Dead Bedroom” periods in their relationship prior to their divorce. Many of these men later discovered infidelity.I wrote about my thoughts on Dead Bedrooms on my website and it is by far the most popular topic to date. It has outranked all other topics combined. Then I started a podcast and recorded a few episodes. The Dead Bedrooms episode was the most downloaded.Simply put, nobody seems to know what to do to keep the fire going in their longterm relationship. Most of us experience a “honeymoon phase” of intimacy, and then watch it quickly fade as the stress of life and the boredom of familiarity settle in.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I don’t claim to have all the answers for a happy married sex life. What I do know is that my own experience and the experience of hundreds of other men have helped to create a prescription for what I feel is the only true, honest, no bullshit way to get your wife jumping your bones again.I have finally put that prescription down on paper, and I call it The Dead Bedroom Fix.

Mommy’s Coping Skills

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Women are more social by nature. What their peer groups says and thinks and feels is of paramount importance. Not only do women tend to “follow the herd” more than men, keep up with trends, and make the majority of the buying decisions (over 80% of consumer spending is done by women), but they also take their emotional cues from their social group. If the group is stressed, she’s stressed. If the group is happy, she’s happy. If the group thinks her husband is a lazy slob, she thinks her husband is a lazy slob.

For example, more than a few men have been pissed at their wife’s inability to appreciate his hard work and dedication to her and the family. Then, one day a friend of your wife’s points out to her what a great guy you are, and your wife suddenly awakens and is appreciative. Mary said that Greg said you are the hardest worker they have at your company. That made me realize how lucky I am to have such a great husband!” she says as she hugs you tightly. Gee, glad Mary was around to point out the obvious, sweetie! Or you could… you know… just open your eyes and see me coming home exhausted every day and appreciate me, without needing your friend’s input first.

The social dynamic has changed immensely. What used to be long, gossip-filled telephone conversations at the kitchen table with her friends has now turned into all-day-long social media posting marathons. Social media is heroin for the woman who is preoccupied with the life of her friends and celebrities. Lots of clicking. Lots of posting. Lots of liking. Every single day.  It’s not a good thing.

It didn’t take long after the invention of Facebook for posts by busy moms to go from “Look at this cute picture of my perfect kid”, to to regular posts telling moms that is it okay to be a horrible parent every now and then and to just “let go”. That’s when it started going downhill fast. The general mom-centric social media theme quickly morphed into: “Life sucks. Life is stressful. My god, how do we do this? How can we juggle so many things?!  Working moms are living saints! LIFE IS SO GOD DAMN HARD. We must mentally escape or we will die!” The social group has spoken. Current mood: Overstressed.  

Once the “Woe is me” social media train started rolling, there was no stopping it. Victimhood is contagious. Mommy martyrdom is their new drug.

If my personal Facebook feed is to be believed, alcoholism has been a very cool hobby for the modern day mom. It’s hip. It’s cute. It’s a big, funny joke that we all laugh along with. “Oh, mommy and her wine. She needs it with those three rug rats at home, am I right?! Gotta have her mom juice!”   There is meme after meme about mommy needing a timeout as she avoids the kids and polishes off a bottle of the happy stuff. I even saw an ad for a wine glass holder for the shower. God forbid mom has to endure the hardships of bathing without her drug!

In the 60’s and 70’s, we had a somewhat hush-hush trend of women using valium to “calm mommy’s nerves”. These days it’s a bottle of whichever wine with a funky label is on sale at the grocery store that day. Both are no good for her health, and yet both have been accepted as “Just the way it is… otherwise mom will go off the rails. Let’s keep her medicated and tolerable.”  The irony is that what seems like such an obviously sexist way of thinking (“Poor silly stupid ladies”) is not perpetuated by men , but by their fellow women.  Ask any man who has worked with or hung out with a group of women. These groups of women seem to have an innate need to bring down their fellow women when given the chance, sometimes subconsciously. “Yes, drink the wine, sweetie. You deserve it. Life is awful tough. Don’t worry, we’re all doing it, too. It’s okay. LOOK! She’s now a horrible mom, too! Now I don’t feel so bad!”

What a drag it is getting old
‘Kids are different today,’ I hear ev’ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she’s not really ill
There’s a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper.

– The Rolling Stones 

The wino mom trend is not cute. It’s not funny. It’s disturbing. It’s shameful. The behavior that is glorified and joked about in memes is what we commonly refer to as “alcoholism”. Alcoholism can and will ruin lives. If you are polishing off an entire bottle of wine (or more) a day just so you can cope with life’s stress, you have a serious substance abuse issue. You are unable to cope with life on your own. The thought terrifies you. 

I will say it until I am blue in the face: Most people are not cut out for long-term relationships. It’s too tough for most. Most of the relationship candidates out there are BAD relationship candidates. Most women you will encounter in life have a very VERY difficult time coping when shit hits the fan, and trust me… shit WILL hit the fan at some point. Many women just don’t have the tools in their mental toolbox to deal with it. They will absolutely find a way to ease the pain of life and deal with it in an unhealthy way. This is why she spends too much, eats too much, has the affair, and drinks like a fish.

In an era of “No shame… do what you want and we will not judge you for it”, society still finds a way to point out the broken people we should all stay away from. Social Media is doing an excellent job of shaking the bushes and watching the bad relationship rats scurry and hide. Pay close attention. Everything you need to know is there. Your woman’s social media feed is the new and effective barometer of her mental health. Red flags will be there for the world to see. You just need to remove you rose-colored glasses to see them.

Empty wine bottles in the trash day after day are not a joke. They are a clinking, heavy bag of glaringly awful red flags. You have been warned.

Dear DSO: It’s not so easy for some of us.

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I know you talk about having to move on and get over your wife after she cheats on you, but it’s not so easy for some guys. My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two kids. We work together. Her dad owns the business where I work. It’s a business that has been in a her family for a really long time. My wife does not want to divorce. If I decided to divorce her, I’d probably lose my high-paying job with her dad’s business. I really don’t have much in the way of a resume that will help me get another good job. The job market sucks right now.  Where would I live? My parents live a thousand miles away. I can’t move there because then I wouldn’t see my kids. If we divorced, she’d probably get the kids almost full-time because I’m a dad with no money.

 

I’m basically stuck. She had one affair two years ago, and now I just discovered another. I love her still, but I’m starting to lose attraction to her. I can’t stand to lay down next to her at night. We stopped having sex almost completely after the first affair was discovered. Now I usually spend the nights sleeping on the couch.

 

I just want my life back.

 

So I just wanted to let you know that’s it not so easy for some of us out there.

Gary

Dear Gary,

First, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, brother. I can’t imagine the stress.  But, you’re right. It’s not so easy for everyone. It’s not as easy as sayin, “See ya, bitch!” for a lot of guys. Kids complicate things a great deal. Add to that your unique job situation, and your world just got a hell of a lot tougher than most.

Your situation illustrates two hugely important things:

  1. Don’t make yourself dependent upon your spouse for your livelihood. Ideally, you want to be the guy that doesn’t NEED his wife. The more you NEED her to function day-to-day, the higher the chances are that you will fail the relationship game.
  2. You really need to better vet your relationship candidate. Red flags? Run. I’m wiling to bet there were a plethora of red flags early on in the relationship that you ignored. Then you kept digging the hole deeper and deeper and find yourself in this predicament.

She currently holds all of the cards. This is not an even contest, by any stretch. You WILL completely fail at this game eventually. I realize you probably think you’re failing pretty hard at life already, but things will inevitably get much worse for you. It’s just a matter of time. She will at some point land an affair partner that will be dumb enough to declare her the love of his life, and you will quickly see divorce papers on your desk. She’ll make the big awful decision for you.  She has already replaced you in her mind, now she just needs to iron out the all the logistical stuff about ending your relationship. Step 1 of that plan is to get a new man and to make sure he sticks around (the other two affair partners probably used her for sex and weren’t interested in committing). Step 2 is to then cut ties with you completely. This is where she may try to get the kids away from you, lie about you, take money, make your life hell, etc.

The ideal relationship is one where two people that are completely independent and fine on their own get together because they love and adore each other and want to help each other go through the adventure of life. The more all of the facets of their respective lives intertwine, the more trouble pops up. If her hobbies becomes yours, if mom-in-law is living with you full-time, if you only hang out with her friends, if you work side-by-side, if the in-laws sign your paychecks, etc… that all leads to further intertwining of the two worlds and a whole lot of trouble.

Lawyer up. Now. You don’t have to file. But you need to be prepared. The lawyer can tell what to do and what not to do to prepare yourself for the inevitable.

Good luck, my friend.

Dear DSO: How do I get my husband to be more of a Lover?

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I am a woman but somehow found your articles and I think they’re great! Very clearly stated why marriages fail and women cheat on “nice guys”.

Would be great to see an article for women someday – how to help a husband to become more of a lover and less of a provider? He’s never been a “lover” but we just became great friends and then more (my initiative, of course, his first serious relationship – textbook case, I guess). Good looking, wealthy, smart, caring and loving to extreme. But after 6 years I’m bored – I crave for jokes, fun, excitement, sexy, a bit selfish and independent man. I told him so many times. He wants marriage and kids; I dread that as kids would make him even more of a provider and I’m starting to doubt if my willpower will be enough and my innocent flirt with other guys won’t turn into more someday. I love him and want to make it work but not sure I can be satisfied with a provider all my life (I’m financially independent and have no desire for kids).

Should we split or is there a way to bring out “lover” in a man?

Mary

Hello Mary,
 
There are a couple of things that stick out for me in the description of your relationship. First and foremost is that HE is wanting to settle down and have kids. YOU are pretty much in the mindset of being an independent career woman and have no interest in having kids. Would you say you have no interest in having kids with HIM (since he is already a Provider type and, as you point out, kids will just amplify those traits) or is it more that you don’t want kids ever no matter who your partner may be? I think that’s a question you need to take time out to ponder for a while.
 
Either way, that alone sounds like a relationship breaker for most people. He wants kids. You don’t.
 
Setting aside the kids thing for the moment, you say you would like to make your relationship work with him… but you need him to be more fun, sexy and independent. See, the way it works with men is pretty simple: BE BLUNT. Guys don’t work well with nuance. We don’t do subtlety. The best course of action is to simply TELL him what you want and LEAD him to it. Seriously. An example may be to say, “As I get older and more mature, I realize that our relationship needs to be dirty and more fun than it is right now. I need that extra oomph to keep me going. I love you for everything you are, but I do need more… and I’m not the type to go out and cheat. Instead, I want to have sexy and fun adventures with you. I want us to take our relationship to a new level.” See how he responds. He may be a little embarrassed. You may hurt his feelings. He may be extremely turned on. It could be that he has a kinky side to him but he has been shamed into being Mr. Nice Guy his whole life. That’s not uncommon. Maybe all it takes is his hot wife to say, “It’s okay to be crazy dirty. I love it.” 
 
Regardless of his response, the truth is out in the open and that’s always a good thing.
 
Let’s be honest, having to “lead” your man to be more fun and sexy may just completely turn you off. After all, you want a guy who is just a natural lover, not a guy you have to TELL what you want him to do. You’ll have to fight through that. This is what people mean when they say, “WORKING on your marriage”.
 
You’ll also have to cater to his masculine side when coming up with ideas for sexing things up. Consider watching porn together. Going to strip clubs. Role-playing. Sending him dirty photos and videos of yourself. There are lots of simple ways you can push his buttons. This is all assuming he’s a healthy adult male and his hormones are in check, of course.
 
So, in review:
 
1. Figure out the kids things first and foremost. You don’t want them at all, or you don’t want them with him?
2. You will have to be blunt and be the sexual leader. Watch how he responds.
 
Good luck!
 
DSO