As I outlined in “My Wife Wouldn’t Do That” , there is a phenomenon of bewildered and shocked men that just CANNOT believe their wife would be capable of doing awful things like committing infidelity. Even when presented with ongoing warning signs and conclusive evidence of wrongdoing, men deny and rationalize any bad behavior from their wife. “No sir. Not my wife. Nope.”
These warning signs of a cheating wife are so damn common that every man early in life should be handed a pamphlet titled, “HOW TO TELL YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR”. The more we teach our sons these valuable life skills, the more likely they are to keep their girlfriends and wives off the proverbial pedestal and treat them with the same cautious optimism they give to every other human in their life.
Why are men so blind to the obvious?
We think like MEN. We have a hard time thinking like women. It’s an entire perspective on life that we don’t really have a very good grasp of. When we think of cheating, we think of it as a guy.
As guys, we are biologically programmed to be polygamous. We physically want lots of different women (See: pornography, strip clubs, creepily staring at women, etc.). When us good guys are happy and comfortable in a relationship (especially after having kids), we may not be able to completely turn OFF that urge for other women, but we can set it aside and prop up the other needs in our life. We turn the “raging horny sex machine” dial down to a 4 and turn up the “nice guy dad” dial all the way up to a 10.
For most of us, NOT getting lots of different women in bed is not an intense struggle that we must battle with on a daily basis. It’s not a huge deal. If we are doing our job right as a husband, we’re getting plenty of intimacy from our wife. Still not enough? In a sexless marriage? Well… that’s why we have all those outlets for our male libido.
So, when we good guys think of cheating… we frame it from our perspective. We think that cheating is a result of the strong biological urge that we, as good guys, are able to temper and fulfill in other ways. From our years with our wife, it is safe to say that our own libido easily outpaces hers. Since we are able to fight such an admittedly strong urge, surely she can fight an urge that seemed to go dormant for weeks or months or years at a time.
Her affair is not so simple.
What men fail to realize is that the wife’s affair is not just a matter of, “I’m tired of the same penis and need something new”. It’s not something that could have been resolved with Pornhub, a little privacy and five minutes during a lunch break.
Her affair is a huge life-changing event that not only calls into question all aspects of her personal relationship with you but also her overall purpose as a woman on this planet. The affair will elicit extreme waves of emotion that we, as men, can’t conceive of. It’s an existential crisis of gargantuan proportions.
As a result, she will seem to morph into a new human being right before your eyes.
This isn’t just your wife going out and getting a piece on the side. This affair was the result of a little chink in your wife’s armor (lack of boundaries) that eventually resulted in physical bonding with another man. That, in turn, caused a tidal wave of changes in her entire being. Nature took over at that point.
This person isn’t your wife at all anymore. Your wife died the moment she had sexual relations with another man. Saying she went through a metamorphosis is not strong enough language. You now have a stranger living with you.
Since you now have this strange person sitting in your living room, you start noticing all new behaviors. It’s kind of like when you first make a new friend and start hanging out with them for long periods of time. All of their unique flaws, habits, and eccentricities take center stage.
Your spouse’s new role as “adulterous wife” brings with it a whole new set of predictable behavior.
We know what she’s going to do… because they all do it! She’s not special. She’s a cheating wife.
Before we get started with the list…
One thing that I have to mention: Many adulterous wives begin cheating after some kind of stressful, life-altering event has taken place. This could be something as serious as a miscarriage, death of a parent, or major health scare… or something as innocuous as a job promotion. That life event was enough to flip a switch in her brain and cause the boundaries to collapse and allow in one (or more) of the multitudes of men ready and willing to take her to bed.
So, if any of the below sound familiar to you AND you just endured some type of life-changing event, then I believe that it’s time to be worried.
1. She Spends More Time Away From You and the Family
While I contend that the wife you know and love has “died”, there is still a small part of the old her lurking in there somewhere… under a giant pile of all those new feelings she now has overwhelming her psyche. Every time she sets foot in the house, looks at you, hugs your kid, pets the dog… that little piece of the old her that is buried so deep starts to squirm a little. This is extremely unsettling for her. She is happiest in her new role with her new affair partner, and doesn’t want to go back to the old unhappy her.
How can she best deal with this battle going on inside her brain? She needs to get away from the family and everything associated with the old her as much as possible. She may “walk away” completely, but you typically see more time at the “gym” or “work” or the typical “girls night out” with friends (these are all covers for wild monkey sex with her new boyfriend).
When she’s away from the family unit and with her new man, that completely silences the old her that is buried so deep. This feels beyond amazing. Heroin and alcohol have nothing on this feeling. This is that coveted “New Relationship Energy” you read so much about. Actually, you can call it SUPER New Relationship Energy… because it’s the newness of a relationship combined with the secret, dirty, forbidden nature of the affair. She will do whatever she can to keep it up. She can’t do that when you and the kids are right in her face.
What if she can’t physically get away from you? Well, then she will have to mentally withdraw. She will spend way more time on her phone. Social media, text messaging, etc… They all give her the validation and attention she needs to not only escape from the real world but to also confirm that what she is doing is the right thing. Every little change she makes to herself will be documented and shared online. She will gladly show off the weight loss, the new hair, the tattoo, and the new little nose piercing. The response will be overwhelmingly positive. “You go, girl!” To her, all of these new things she is doing and her affair are all part of her personal reawakening. They are part of a new and BETTER version of her. In her affair-fogged mind, if her friends on Facebook say that they like her new tattoo, then that means they like EVERYTHING else about her new life… therefore the whole affair and crazy behavior that goes with it is perfectly justified and was meant to be.
Yes, women in affairs are completely crazy.
2. She Suddenly Looks and Acts Younger
When the wife is having an affair, she is in the early stages of the mating game. She is restarting the clock and going back into “secure new mate” mode. That means projecting the most attractive version of herself possible. This will involve weight loss and probably dressing younger and more provocatively (because youth wins in the mating game). She’s simply trying to impress the new man and get him to settle down with her and only her. It’s biological. It’s very predictable. All women do this early on in relationships when they deem their man worthy of the extra time and work. They look their best, act younger and are more sexual.
What you’re witnessing is what your wife did with you early in your own relationship (hopefully). You just forgot what it looked like.
3. Random Thoughts Leaking Out of her Brain
Cheating women have a hard time keeping their secrets to themselves. Whether it’s due to a subconscious desire to spill the beans or the love-chemicals fogging their brain, they just can’t keep the cat in the bag for very long. If your ears are finely tuned to picking up the signals, you can hear some tell-tale phrases or questions that should have you concerned. Usually, they come at the most random moments with little to no context.
“I would never have an open relationship. Would you?”
“Tina at work is having an affair.”
“If you were to ever cheat on me, I would chop off your balls.”
“Who are you texting? What are you talking about?”
“Why did you come home from work late? You usually get home 10 minutes earlier.”
“I bet you wish you could have other women. You’ve probably cheated on me in the past… like when I was fat and pregnant.”
“Have you heard about being Polyamorous?”
The cheating wife’s Tourrettes-like outbursts are sometimes a form of projection. She doesn’t realize that you’re not in her brain hearing her thoughts, so when she randomly says “I would never have an open relationship” while you’re at your son’s soccer practice, she’s letting some the cognitive dissonance steam out of the pressure cooker in her head. It’s kind of like the woman who declares on the first date, “We’re not having sex tonight! Just so you know!” as you are buying popcorn at the movies. You were just thinking about whether or not to also get M&M’s, and she’s thinking about you two having sex. This means she’s thinking about sex with you, and you will most likely have sex with her that night.
4. She is Suddenly More Sexual and Experimental
The cold and frigid wife who used to cringe when talking about oral sex is now suddenly wearing crotchless underwear and asks you if you’d like to try anal sex.
“WOW!” most men say. “My cold and frigid wife finally got turned on! This is great!”
No, your wife misses her new man and is going to play pretend with you. You’re essentially a sex toy. Oh, she’s turned on, alright… just not by you. She will shut her eyes and imagine that it’s him doing those things to her. At the same time, she’s also trying new things out on you before doing them with her new man. She may even say something obvious like, “What does my butt look like from THIS angle? Not too fat?” or “Do you like it when I do THIS or THIS better?” or “Should I shave completely or leave some of it?”
For betrayed men, this is a very brutal time. They were sure that these moments represented true lust and attraction from their wife (towards them)… when in fact it was just the opposite.
5. She Needs Space
I’m reminded of the story of the soldier who is off to war in Iraq, burning up in a tent in the middle of the desert. He gets the typical “Dear John” letter from his woman back home. “I need space,“ she says. “Space? I’m thousands of miles away in Iraq! How much more space does she need?!” he screams.
“I need space” = You are no longer a couple. The emotional and physical jump from you to the new man is most likely complete.
She now feels comfortable enough to completely detach from you and attach to her new mate. She no longer needs the home base to return back to. She was testing things out for a while, feeling the emotions, figuring out the logistics of living on her own… and finally made the giant mental leap to the new man. By this stage, she has already opened a new bank account, called up the cosmetic surgeon, met with the attorney and discussed the big life move with her friends.
You will most likely be completely oblivious to all this until it is too late.
6. She Rewrites History
While she is in the process of detaching from you, one thought is paramount: “What will everyone think of me?” Her social status is of the utmost importance. She can’t simply tell friends, “Oh, I left him because I fell for another dude that I think is way better.” No, she needs to come up with reasons that nobody can argue with.
“He peed on the toilet sometimes” and “He wasn’t good at doing laundry” or “He was just too nice and boring” aren’t enough to warrant the breakup of a family, so… it’s time to make up some stuff! Whatever it takes to make her the victim and justified in her actions, even if that means completely making up stories with no basis in truth, she will do it. Sometimes those stories can send a man to a police station for questioning, or worse.
That may mean saying these made up stories right to your face. Let that sink in. She will make up stories about your relationship… to you. The guy she had the relationship with.
If she can lie directly to YOUR face, just think what she is saying to others behind your back.
I shared the time that my ex said to me, “You never support me in anything I do! You made me take this job!” after I told her that maybe she was leaving me alone with the kids and going out with friends too often. I was completely shocked. It made zero sense at the time. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s much easier to leave a tyrant than to leave a nice guy. Not a tyrant? She’ll just pretend that you are! That’ll do the trick.
7. She Lies About Everything.
With such an intense life-altering experience comes a very foggy mind that just can’t keep straight what is reality and what is a lie. She’s filled with anxiety, joy, lustfulness, sadness, depression… all these ingredients that make up the uniquely awful thing that is the mind of the wayward wife. Considering the turmoil in her brain, it’s no wonder that every little word coming out of her mouth must be scrutinized. “Believe what she does, not what she says” people will often tell you. So true.
More succinctly: She’s an addict. Addicts are liars.
Even the most mundane and innocent details of her life will not add up. It’s almost as if she’s thinking, “It’s so tough to keep straight all these things in my head, I might as well default to lying. It’s just so much easier… and safer.”
Let’s say you asked her if she stopped and bought milk on the way home. If she says yes, you immediately run to the store to pick up a gallon or your kids won’t have cereal in the morning. “Did you pay the utility bill?” “Yep!” she says. You better check to make sure it’s paid or your lights will get turned off.
“I don’t get it. Why did she lie about THAT?” – Every man with a cheating wife.
Don’t try to make sense of it all. Just realize that all of these things are typical cheating wife behaviors. They all point to a clouded mind, intense emotions and physical/mental metamorphosis. This is usually very bad news for you.