Interview With A Real Dad Starting Over – “Mario”

Estimated Reading Time: 12 minutes

This is the fourth in a series of interviews with REAL dads and dudes starting over in life. From each of these stories, we can learn a great deal from each other and see that we are nowhere near alone in our quest to start over.

“Mario” is your typical “nice guy who married a mentally ill woman” story. His ex-wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder … and the details of their relationship leaves no doubt about that diagnosis.  What Mario hasn’t done is the hard work of emotionally separating from the intoxicating hold his ex-wife has on him, and the work of rebuilding his self-esteem and getting his life in order.

Like all addicts, he has a long road ahead of him and a lot of steps to complete before he can consider himself “cured”. This interview goes quickly into more of a “coaching” session as I soon realize this is a guy still freshly hurt and needing some guidance in a hurry. His life could very well depend on it.

DSO:
Okay, so if you could… give me a brief overview of you. Age, number of kids, are you married or divorced?

Mario:
I’m 38… divorced, 4 kids, 3 are living.
I’m a professional martial artist… I own an MMA school in Florida. In good shape, regular guy.

DSO:
Ages of kids?

Mario:
3-4-9 and would be 12.

DSO:
May I ask how your child passed?

Mario:
She had brain cancer. DIPG. My daughter Angela.

DSO:
So sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine the pain that must’ve caused. How long ago?

Mario:
That’s when I opened up my first martial arts school… after Angela was diagnosed. We needed money and we wanted freedom to do family things. 6 yrs ago. 2012.

DSO:
So let’s back way up first. Your family life as a kid. Tell me about it.

Mario:
Very close Italian family. I have 3 sisters. I’m the oldest. We come from NYC- Brooklyn and eventually moved to North Eastern Pennsylvania.

DSO:
And mom and dad always together? No divorce?

Mario:
Yes… mom and dad had an amazing marriage. Like I said very close Italian family.
Lots of fun and laughter.
Typical marriage though. Had ups and downs. Dad was a hard worker- construction. Mom was a home maker. Always there for us kids. Both supported us in everything .

DSO:
You have a lot of quality time with dad?

Mario:
Yea…we are very close. Dad was always around. Benefits of owning your own company. Still close to dad. Talk almost everyday.

DSO:
That’s great. Now, growing up… How was your luck with the girls?

Mario:
Not bad… my neighbor used to call me Baskin Robbins because she said I had a new girl every week. I won class flirt my 8th grade and senior year in school.

DSO:
So, here you are coming from a great and loving family. Good relationship with your parents. No problem with the girlfriends. And then…When did you meet your ex-wife?

Mario:
She came over from Paraguay to work as a camp counselor and when her job was done I met her at a pizzeria working with her uncle. My friend owned the restaurant. She was a model in her country and absolutely beautiful, and I was taken aback fast that she even liked me. We dated for a short time and decided let’s get married. We married before she went back to her country and we worked hard to get her back into the USA.

DSO:
But you were Mr. Ladies Man. Why would an attractive woman liking you be such a surprise?

Mario:
It’s hard to explain… I may have had “time fillers” but nothing like this. it was like the movies. The second I saw her, it’s like the heavens opened up and light shined upon her. I knew I wanted to marry her. It’s funny, I went home and told my mother that… and she would tell me ex that often. I just loved her from day 1.

DSO:
How long did you date before marriage?

Mario:
One month.

DSO:
Wow.

Mario:
Yea I know. Stupid… but she was leaving and I was 24-25 at the time and i was willing to move to Paraguay to be with her. Impulsive.

DSO:
So there was something SO powerful about this woman that caused you date her, marry her immediately and want to uproot and move to a far away land just to be with her. The power of the hoohah…

Mario:
Lol… yea I guess so. She was amazing. Funny, sexy, smart…At the time the total package.

DSO:
So she DOES end up returning home after you marry? How long is she gone for?

Mario:
2 months. I go to Paraguay like a month later and bust my butt filing paperwork to get her in the USA.

DSO:
I see. So… let’s talk more about her. What was her family like?

Mario:
Bad. Her dad kidnapped her away from her mom. They lived in the USA and while here he assumes she cheated and send her on a search for an imaginary job… while he grabs my ex and there documents and destroys moms documents and moved back to Paraguay leaving her birth mom in the USA.

Her and her birth mom have a strained relationship… badly… more like competition then mother and daughter. From what I heard it’s getting better but it has always been like that. They are good then they are bad.

DSO:
Wow. Well… this begs the question. WAS her mom cheating?

Mario:
I don’t know. Her dad cheated on her step mom all the time and step mom cheated on dad. often. In reality the whole family is built on infidelity. Dad is the product of the other woman.

DSO:
So an all around bad environment for a young kid to grow up in, it sounds like.

Mario:
100%. Dad was abusive to mom, and kids, and step mom

DSO:
Did you know all this when you married her?

Mario:
I didn’t.

DSO:
Would it have made a difference?

Mario:
I don’t know. Dad has caused a lot of problems between us. He didn’t like me because I didn’t agree with everything he said. I would speak up. I didn’t like how my ex’s family treated her and I would say so. He would come to visit my daughter when she was battling cancer but spent more time shopping then being with her. But I can’t expect a bad dad to be a good grandfather. But my ex doesn’t see anything wrong with it because he raised her.

DSO:
I see. So we can set aside her family for now and put them in the category of “beyond fucked up”.

Mario:
Yes 100%. To them, I’ve come to realize, you are disposable.

DSO:
So what does your family think of the situation when you announce you’re marrying this young foreign gal you met a month ago?

Mario:
My dad thought I was crazy. My mom loves everything about it. My mom just wants to see me happy. I married her… and my family took some time getting used to her, but dad took the biggest shine. He loved her. Still does… but is so hurt about us. He won’t say it… but I know it. He absolutely loved her.

DSO:
Ok. So… you are married. You run off to another country to bring home your bride for good. You eventually are both back in the states. How long before baby 1 comes along?

Mario:
When she came back we found out she was pregnant.

DSO:
Not wasting any time!

Mario:
Nope…Chemistry is a bitch. Lol.

DSO:
When do the wheels start to fall off the relationship? When do things start to get a little squirrelly?

Mario:
We lived regular lives. Ups and Downs. She accuses me of cheating 7 times and I never cheated on my wife. I assume either she was or wanted to.

DSO:
At the time you were thinking she was cheating or wanted to… or you were in the dark then?

Mario:
She pushes her insecurities off on me. She gained weight from the kids and from stress from Angela. I just thought she was being a pain in the ass. I never thought she would cheat. Nor did I ever have plans of cheating.

DSO:
So extreme bouts of jealousy. What other red flags did you see?

Mario:
After my last daughter was born she was weighing like 230-240 lbs.

DSO:
Oh wow.

Mario:
Always jealousy.

DSO:
So a completely different human after the kids.

Mario:
Yes. Hard to explain. I supported this women in everything. She wanted Hawaii trips. I did it. Cruises. I did it. Trip to Paraguay. Did it. She truly didn’t want for anything. Business idea that she wants. Hobbies that I would support.

DSO:
Sounds like you were quite the YES man. Did you ever turn her down for anything?

Mario:
Of course…

DSO:
How did she deal with rejection?

Mario:
Depends on what it was. She would normally deal with it fine from the outside. It seemed like that. But I wanted her happy… I loved her. Happy wife, happy life bullshit.

DSO:
Did you ever express your displeasure with her weight gain?

Mario:
Never. She would get mad and call me fat piece of shit, because we both gained weight. I would never call her fat or call her names. That’s the part that hurts also. I supported her and loved her when she was 260 lbs at her heaviest with a shaved head to support my daughter.

DSO:
So here’s a woman who you saved from an awful family life, brought to the states, gave her everything she wanted, watched her balloon to 260 lbs, never bad-mouthed her, supported her in everything.

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
So you set aside all of the “shallow” superficial stuff because you loved her and were her husband.

Mario:
Yep. My mom was heavy. It’s like saying you won’t love the women who sacrificed her body to give you kids. There is no better way for a women to show she loves you then to give you children.

DSO:
So, she has the gastric bypass surgery, right?

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
How much did she lose?

Mario:
Not sure she continued to lose after she left me. From what I heard she went down to 132.

DSO:
So she lost a bunch of weight and then what happened?

Mario:
Well while she was losing, she accuses me of cheating… meanwhile I wasn’t. I promise. I wanted to start a women’s BJJ class at my school and I found an instructor. And my ex hated it. Accused me of cheating so I never followed through with it. I’d rather her be happy. Now that woman teaches at another school and the class is huge. So I lost out on money.

Well, after that.. she starts going out with friends more. Staying out later. I was never jealous… I supported her. One day we get into a big argument and she tells me to leave so I go to my gym. While at my gym… for some reason I feel the need to log into her Facebook. I felt like something is up.

DSO:
This sounds familiar

Mario:
And boom I find her messaging with some guy. I died. I go home confront her on it… say I’m gonna fight for my wife. I’m a fighter and I’m gonna fight for my wife. Well that’s when she tells me… there is another guy who she has a crush on. As I write this my heart is beating like crazy. I’m sweating. Still upsets me.

DSO:
Well it was a very traumatic moment, I’m sure.

Mario:
I tell her to end it with this guy. And according to her she does. Me being a man I say I’m gonna kick his ass and this and that. She reaches out to him again.. telling him to ignore me. I’m even more pissed. But now… my “not good enough” insecurities come up… the why him and not me shit pops up. So now I’m jealous, insecure, controlling.

DSO:
All normal under the circumstances.

Mario:
Where you going, who you talking to? I fucked myself. I should’ve been cool. She asked me to be cool. But I was heart broken.

DSO:
How did you “fuck yourself”?

Mario:
She told me she met these guys at the bank where she works…And I said well what happens if they come back. She said she will ignore them. I was still unsure. She then told me she lied and didn’t meet them at the bank she met them at a club. I didn’t want her to go back to that club. She then changed it and said she met them at the bank again.

DSO:
So let’s stop for a moment and summarize this. Your ex was having affairs during your marriage. Probably early on… most definitely after the gastric bypass surgery.You find out, and you naturally go into “must save this marriage” mode.

Mario:
Not sure about affairs during… possible… but to her they weren’t affairs. I’ll get to that part.

DSO:
No no… stop

Mario:
Ok.

DSO:
We’re not going to go down that road. That was me guessing when I say “affairs during your marriage”… because that is most likely true.

Mario:
Well she met them on a dating app… match.com and there where like 6 more guys she was talking to. But never met them in person.

DSO:
So, let’s cut the BS about what she thinks and feels about the whole thing and just get to the meat of the issue. She sure liked having sex with other men outside of her marriage, and she got caught.

Mario:
While we tried working it out I was convinced into paying for tummy tuck and breast lift thinking it was a gift for me. She left me before it was healed.

DSO:
Oh boy. Let me just stop you here. You realize you lived out a perfect storm of the most stereotypical “wife cheated” stories all rolled into one? Your story is not unique AT ALL. I am nodding my head hearing your story because I saw some of this myself.

Mario:
Well that’s good to hear cause I feel like a complete loser.

DSO:
LOL… nope. You’re not even close to a loser. Your story is textbook.

Mario:
I would’ve never thought she would do this.

DSO:
Of course not, because you were in love.

Mario:
She is ruthless to me.

DSO:
Of course… was she diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder?

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
Well, there you go. You’re dealing with a mentally ill person.

Mario:
I know… it’s sad. She acts like I caused all this. She tries to hurt me at every twist and turn.

DSO:
Unfortunately her mental illness is one that manifests itself exactly how you are seeing it. Promiscuous sexual behavior, infidelity, lying, gaslighting, playing victim, fear of abandonment, etc. The bad news is that there is zero way you or anyone can fix her. The even worse news is that this is probably going to get worse before it gets better.

Mario:
I had to drop something off for her the other day… and while there her garbage was spilling out and she asked if I could get it. And boom a condom in it… I said no. And she made a joke… “Well at least you know I’m protecting myself!”

DSO:
Okay, so… here’s the awful truth. She’s a monster. She found in you the perfect victim: A “nice” guy who has a history of rolling over for her and doing what she wants, when she wants.

Mario:
I know.

DSO:
So she’s going to keep milking this cow until you literally die. You have to get away from this woman. You HAVE to. I know, this is easy for me to say as somebody outside of the relationship. But several years from now when the smoke clears you’re going to look back and say “WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!”

Mario:
I separated myself from her… this week. I decided I can’t feel bad anymore. I chased after her for 11 months and nothing I have done made her love me again.

DSO:
Of course not… that’s now how all this works. Even if she wasn’t mentally ill, it wouldn’t work.

Mario:
So even when I separated myself she sent me 7 minutes of harassing texts yesterday calling me names.

DSO:
So, now this mentally ill woman with more baggage than LaGuardia has tried her damndest to ruin you. She sucked you dry of your time, love and resources. She has since detached and moved on to the next victim(s). Now what?

Mario:
Like i still love my ex and in a perfect world we would be able to work it out. But she caused a lot of pain.

DSO:
Stop it. You’re not allowed to talk that way when we’re chatting. It gets you exactly nowhere. So now what?

Mario:
I have reached out to some friends that aren’t in this state… Don’t have many friends in Florida. And I am having them keep me accountable. Helping me. I am setting up new hobbies and things I’m interested in. Keep myself so busy I have no time for her.

DSO:
That’s awesome. You and I briefly talked before on Facebook, and I suggested you make a to-do list. Have you done that?

Mario:
I haven’t.

DSO:
Ok, let’s put this into terms you can understand. You’re a fighter, right? MMA?

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
So, you’re in a fight and I guy jumps on your back. You don’t even think. You just know from years of fighting, “Okay, pivot my hips, rotate, move my feet, change the center of gravity, blam… now I’m on top.”

Mario:
Yep.

DSO:
Those are a series of steps. Right now, keeping with the fighting analogy, you’re lying on the ground on your back while they guy is pounding away at your face…. “Oh well, this sucks.” You gotta put your guard up. Make the next step. And then the next. And the next.

Mario:
Yea…

DSO:
It’s all about momentum. You HAVE to get going.

Mario:
Just since it all… I have suffered bad insecurities, and shit.

DSO:
What you’re saying: “I would put my guard up… but my face really hurts and I think he broke my rib.”

How involved are you in your kids’ lives? See them often?

Mario:
I see them every day for about an hour and a half before mom picks them up at my mma school, plus every Wednesday and every other weekend. I wanted 50/50 but she fought me on it.

DSO:
You think your kids enjoy seeing you depressed?

Mario:
Not at all. My son Michael is my best friend and he cries everyday about it. And how he hears guys come over at night. He told her one time that he wants to live with me… and then she refused to buy him sneakers.

DSO:
Right now you’re showing Michael, “Women can ruin you… no matter what you do… they ruin you.” He sees the negative on mom’s side… then comes to dad and sees more negativity.

Mario:
You’re right.

DSO:
I think step 1 is attorney. Find out about getting more time with kids, building the case against mom.

Mario:
I spoke to my son about it the other day that he and I are gonna heal each other and help and live a great life together.

DSO:
How old is he?

Mario:
9

DSO:
Well, you run the risk of involving him too much and him being your buddy, instead of being your son. He needs that strong father figure that is there and powerful no matter what. Not the guy saying, “My life sucks right now and let me tell you why.”

Mario:
I try try to be both… I feel like he needs that. I never tell him my life sucks. I tell him that I’m hurt by his mom actions.

DSO:
Nope. Gotta leave mom out of it. Never bad mouth mom. He’s a kid… he can’t process it. He just internalizes it. “Mom is a whore… mom is bad… I came from mom… I must be bad.” Then the cycle continues. You are strong dad. You don’t emote to your son or go blaming others. You show him how to be strong.

Mario:
Ok

DSO:
So this has turned into a coaching session versus an interview! But your story is not unique. Don’t get bogged down in details of what she did, how she thinks, etc. She’s broken. Very very broken. There’s nothing you can do. That chapter is closed. And when you look back at the chapter it will be titled “Hot latina chick who got fat, was never happy, treated me like shit and ended up cheating on me and then continued treating me like shit.”

Mario:
I’m afraid it will affect my kids. For me it’s closed… what is she teaching my daughter and my sons that it’s ok for men to use women.

DSO:
Yes, they need to be in therapy, and they need a strong parent, or this will just continue on for generations. And YOU need to be chatting with somebody regularly. Preferably a man.

Mario:
Ok. I’ve got to check. Either find a therapist I can pay cash or get insurance.

DSO:
Yeah, step 2: insurance.

Just string together 7 good days. It’s exactly like quitting drugs or alcohol. One day at a time. Then a month at a time. Then years.

Mario:
Yes sir. That’s the goal.

DSO:
AND STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN.

Mario:
I have a lot of ideas to keep myself busy and hopefully good friends to keep me accountable. Not interested right now in dating. Got to get my head right.

DSO:
So you have some basic foundational stuff… attorney… insurance… job situation ok? Get that basic stuff squared away, then the hard stuff.

Alright, it was nice chatting! Keep in touch. I do offer coaching sessions for $$… but I think you should pursue the “Real” therapist avenue through insurance first.

Mario:
Most definitely… thanks for listening. I just need to get insurance first or find one with cash.

DSO:
I’m sure they will all gladly take your cash!

A Look Inside The Mind of a Cheating Wife Who Filed For Divorce

Estimated Reading Time: 9 minutes

A woman recently posted a very candid and honest story on the “Divorce” section of the super popular website Reddit. In the post, she outlines the conditions that led her to question her marriage and eventually have an affair. This coeherent chronological breakdown gives us a rare and unfiltered look at what goes on in the mind of a cheating spouse. I thought it would be interesting to break her story down into pieces and give my thoughts as the story unfolds.

In my case there was no abuse. We were together for 8 years that was mostly good and we have 4 kids. Right around 5 years I got a promotion at work and i got it in my head that my XH was dragging me down, or at least holding me back from more success and a better life. We never had a lot of money but with my promotion I was now making more than he was.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this scenario. There is a reason she started her story with her job promotion. This was the switch. So many infidelity stories start with some “switch” that breaks down the cheaters boundaries and gets the cheating machine whirring along. For many women, the simple act of making more money than her spouse starts the process. Why? Because her respect for her spouse just took a major hit. She WANTS to look up to him. She WANTS to brag on him. She WANTS to be able to see him as the super lover-provider combination that every woman dreams about. Since he’s a husband and a dad, his Lover qualities probably went out the window long ago. He was a Provider… now he’s not. What’s he left with? Nothing, other than an angry wife who grows resentful.

There is a phenomenon known as “hypergamy”. The terms refers to the trend of women marrying across or UP their social food chain. Women CEO’s tend to not marry garbage men, in other words. The opposite tends to not be the case for men. The male CEO will gladly marry the secretary, school teacher or cashier.

Before everyone writes me with, “Nuh uh! I’m a stay-at-home dad and my wife is a doctor and we’ve been married for a million years!” … Great. That’s awesome. I wish you were the norm. You’re not. You’re an outlier.

Back to the story…

I started working longer hours and at the same time his hours were cut so he was at home more. I really began to resent him because he was home and because he got to spend time with our kids. Most nights when I got home they were already getting ready for bed if not already sleeping. After a few months of my new job it was clear to me that things were not going well at home without me there. Some nights the dishes weren’t done when I got home or the kids hadn’t eaten or whatever else I could think of to be mad at him about. It really didn’t matter. He kept saying that he would try harder but that it was hard being home all the time. That always made me really mad.

She’s jealous. She’s angry. She is not happy being Mrs. Breadwinner. It creates a great deal of resentment in her. THIS is not what she envisioned when married. She points out that the house is not clean enough… but the truth is there’s nothing he could do to make her happy in this situation. Absolutely nothing. It’s over at this point.

For the next couple years things kept getting worse. My hours weren’t any shorter and his were on and off fulltime. There was no convenient time for him to be working full time because of my hours, but we also needed the money. Whenever he would tell me that he could get extra hours I would always complain and the less hours he worked the more I complained that he wasnt bringing in enough money. Whenever he brought up the contradiction I would tell him that he needed to figure it out. I knew that it would bother him so I started saying that a lot and for everything that I could.

Here is where she starts bluntly pushing him away. There is zero he can do to make her happy. She’s not going to tell him, “There is nothing you can do to make me happy, so just divorce me already.”  She is following the common cheating wife pattern of treating the husband with such disrespect that she actually gets more angry if he doesn’t stand up to her and divorce her (as she wants).

I really started to resent him and I pulled away from him. I knew that it was hurting him but I didnt care. If he didnt want to be hurt then he would at least try to make me happy. I used that same thing to justify when I started to talk to another guy at work. I thought he was just a friend but talking at work turned into texting at home and then pictures and videos and then trying to sneak some alone time with him. I knew that it was wrong but it made me feel so alive, and my husband had not made me feel like that in years. I was tired of being unhappy and I was doing this for me.

And here it begins. Didn’t take long. The “Must find new and better mate to procreate with” programming is off and running. The rationalizations come out in full force. I was doing this for me.”

The worst was the night that I came home at a reasonable time and found that he had cleaned the whole house, cooked the whole family dinner and picked out a movie for all of us to watch together. This would have made me swoon a couple years earlier, but that night I couldn’t even look at him and I pretended to be sick. I spent the rest of the night in bed while he waited on me and checked on me and even made me different food and brought it to me in bed. It made me feel terrible, and then it made me angry that he made me feel that way and by the end of the night I was texting with the other guy.

See? There’s absolutely nothing he could do to stop the machine from running. Nothing. This is why reconciliation and trying to “win” your wife back is so fruitless. He would be much better off if he got a head start and began the process of self-care and rebuilding. He’s wasting months and years he can’t get back.

Over the next month or two from that night it did not matter what he did. He was wrong just for breathing most days. He would get so upset with how I was treating him and I would just wait and egg him on into losing it because i knew it would happen eventually. After most of the fights we had he would apologize for whatever I told him he did wrong if there even was something, but I never did. I would usually find a way to make him feel even worse. I knew that I was right because he was wrong and that was all that mattered to me.

She’s pushing and pushing and pushing him away. This is the equivalent of kicking him in the balls and hating him for wincing in pain. She will do so until he either dies or comes to his senses.

I even pretended that I didn’t care when he found out about my relationship with the guy from work. It really destroyed me inside to see him holding back tears, but I wasnt going to let him see that. He was at his weakest and that was when I chose to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I could almost hear his heart shattering inside his chest. He talked and fought and said that we could work through it together. I really wasnt interested in fixing our marriage, but i mostly ended things with the other guy but only because i knew i could get it back if I wanted it.

The brutal coldness of the cheating wife is always astounding. In her mind, there is no human lower than the man she has deemed as, “No longer worthy of being my partner”. Their history together means absolutely nothing.

I could see that he was trying and occasionally i would let him know, but for the most part I kept being a huge bitch to him for any and all reasons that I could think of. I’m not sure how much more the man could have done to make me happy besides finding a job that paid enough for me to not have to work at all. He said that he was looking, but looking and finding are 2 different things. It was around this time that I discovered this group and a few others. I started posting things about him, from my perspective only, and I got so much positive feedback for how I was feeling that I knew I was right. The more I posted the more validation that I got. It wasn’t just me who knew that XH wasn’t worth keeping around. I had the whole internet telling me how terrible he is. I started saying awful things to him and even outright ignoring him. I was so confident with mine and everyone elses opinion that I contacted a lawyer and within a couple weeks had filed for divorce. I continued to use this site and a couple others to validate my feelings and for encouragement to go through with it, and finally it was done.

For the cheating wife, there is no shortage of validation and “You go girl!” sentiment from her friends and strangers on the internet. She can do no wrong. This drives the husband completely crazy. It’s just human nature.

It went pretty smoothly. XH didnt ask for much besides to not get divorced and to try to work it all out. I didnt care about that though. He was broken, but I was free. I could do whatever I wanted without having to feel any guilt or answer to anybody. It was an amazing feeling of freedom. It didnt last long though. In the first month after he moved out I missed garbage day 3 times. There was also rarely a single clean dish and the laundry sat in piles so long that I had to start doing the sniff test to see if it could be worn again. I also never saw my kids more miserable. My oldest had seen some of the messages from the other guy months earlier and she knew that XH still wanted to try to work it out. It didnt take her long to stop talking to me at all except to say that she wanted to go to XH house. The others all told me that they wanted to live with XH too. I did my best to try to make them happy, but I ended up just buying them toys all the time and the happiness only lasted minutes. I also was having a lot of trouble with work. Being alone I couldnt work all those extra hours that I was expected to. I finally gave in and starting calling XH to watch the kids. He would always come over as soon as he could and he always asked me if i needed anything. When I would get home I would find clean dishes and laundry and even dinner sometimes. He would never say too much after I got home. He would just say to call him if i needed anything and leave. One night he took out the garbage and brought it to the curb because it was garbage night and I forgot again. He always looked so sad when it was time to go.

Oh, God. This poor guy. This is a conditioned man. He’s been kicked in the balls and spat on for so long… and yet he still believes she is his one true love. Can you blame him? He’s been told his whole life that this is the ONE thing he was to live for. In his mind, he failed. He failed at providing and maintaining a relationship. Everyone in the world is telling her she’s “the bomb”.In his mind, everyone seems to be conspiring to tell him how worthless he is. He has to improve and NICE his way out of this… otherwise he is in fact the scum everyone is making him out to be.

Finally after a couple months my friends convinced me to go out on a date. It was for dinner and a movie and I was excited and hopeful, but at dinner I started getting a feeling of overwhelming guilt. It got so bad that I ended up not even going to the movie. A week and about a million tears later I was on a therapists couch. I told her everything that had happened starting with the promotion that I got at work. She did not agree with me or with any of the encouragment to divorce that I got. I ended up in her office 2 and sometimes 3 times a week, and the more that I talked to prove that I was right, the more that I started to see how wrong I was. It was truely heartbreaking. I dont know if I cried as much in my whole life as i did in the first month in her office.

I had a therapist tell me once, “I can’t tell you how many times cheating wives have cried on that couch telling me that they couldn’t believe what they did… that they were acting completely out of control. Those same women were the ones that ended up doing it again and again.”

After about 2 thousand dollars of therapy sessions I learned that my XH had his faults, but I figured out that mine were so much worse. I did so many awful things and said awful things that I wouldnt want to be with me, but he did. I still remember him asking me in the meeting with the lawyer to please not go through with it. I did go through with it though, and then later I bragged on here how great it felt. I was so wrong, and now I can see it.

It took $2k of therapy to elicit feelings of empathy. This is not a good thing.

A couple weeks ago I went outside with him when he was leaving the house. I asked him about getting back together. When he looked at me his eyes were full of tears and a couple went down his cheeks. He told me that he didnt know if he could. He said that the pain has been too much for too long and that if we got back together that I might just turn around and do it to him again. He said that he always thought that I would realize how much he loved me and stop up until i signed the divorce papers and let out a big over exaggerated sigh of relief. He said that hurt him more than anything else and that he doesnt know if he can ever trust me again. I dont blame him. I destroyed a man who looking back was a great husband. I deprived my kids of having a great father in the house with them and I took his kids away from him. And me, the one who pushed for the divorce expecting happiness and a life of freedom, spend all my free time sitting at home or sitting on a therapists couch.

Good for him. He’s right. There’s no way he can take her back… because he’s not sure if he can survive another heartbreak, and he knows it won’t be the only time she has feelings of doubt and ends up cheating again.

It’s in her nature. She’s a cheating wife.

Interview With A Real Dad Starting Over – “William”

Estimated Reading Time: 11 minutes

This is the second in a series of interviews with REAL dads and dudes starting over in life. From each of these stories, we can learn a great deal from each other and see that we are nowhere near alone in our quest to start over.

“William” is the an example of a VERY common scenario:

  1. Little experience with women before or after his ex-wives.
  2. Comes from a broken home with an absent father figure and strong attachment to mom.
  3. Strongly attracted to women from broken families, histories of abuse and has an intense need to help them.
  4. His kind/pushover nature eventually backfires on him as he is taken advantage of the worst way by predatory women.

DSO
So, if you could, tell us your name, age, number of kids

William
William. Age 48. I have three biological children and then two who are bonus children.

DSO
Bonus children… step kids?

William
One former stepson who I am still close to and one who I discovered was not mine, but am also close to.

DSO
Oh wow. Sounds like you do have a story to tell. And what ages are the kids?

William
30, 28, 27, 24, 23. The 30, 27, and 23 year olds are mine. Yes, it’s quite a story. 23 year old is the only girl.

DSO
That poor girl! That’s a whole lot of testosterone. Married how many times?

William
Twice. Quite a story with both.

DSO
Well let’s go with ex #1, how did you two meet?

William
We met in high school. I was a basketball player and she was a track/basketball athlete. She asked me for a ride home from practice every day and one thing led to another. The 30 year old son was born my senior year.

DSO
Started early! And how about her family life? Broken family? Abuse?

William
Her parents divorced due to her father’s infidelity. There were rumors of abuse between her father and her sister, but it never went anywhere. None between my ex and her father that I’m aware of.

DSO
And your family life?

William
My dad was an abusive alcoholic to my mom. I witnessed a lot of it. They divorced when I was six. I was not abused, but I have heard rumors that my older sister was. We’ve never discussed it. We are very close though. My mom is a saint.

DSO
Looking back on the early “courtship”, did you feel a bond with your shared family “issues”?

William
Not on a conscience level I don’t think.

DSO
So senior year, your son is born. How do you cope with that? Family help?

William
Yes. I quit basketball and started sacking groceries full time. I stayed at my ex’s house and got up with the baby on weekends. My mom and my stepdad were upset at first, but extremely helpful financially and emotionally. I got a job out of high school working in the billing office at a hospital and things went okay for several years.

DSO
College?

William
I took night courses at the local Junior college. Got my Associates degree in four years. Started at the University level about the time the first marriage fell apart.

DSO
So, “went okay for several years”, when did the wheels start to fall off?

William
We were married for five years. I came home one night after running in to my childhood sweetheart at a convenience store. I came home and told my wife about it. Shortly after that she insisted that we move. We did. As it turned it we were living caddy corner from her boyfriend’s apartment. At the time, I had no suspicion that anything was going on.

DSO
Oh, so the prompting for the move, in your mind at that time, was your surprise meeting with the childhood sweetheart?

William
Yes and no. I feel she used that as a justification in her mind, but she was already planning to set herself up with Plan B (him) in case Plan A (me) didn’t work out.

DSO
She was already in the middle of an affair with Plan B by that time… and for how long at that point (the move)?

William
I feel that it had been going on for several months before the move, but I have no proof. The fact that we moved in so close to his place was not a coincidence in my mind.

DSO
Oh… so not only did she want to move, but she had the specific place already picked out… right across from Plan B. Gotcha.

William
Yes. Again, just a theory.

DSO
Well that was ballsy of her. So when did you discover the affair?

William
After the move, she insisted we should separate. I moved in with my mom with the idea that we would work it out. She would give me no reason for the separation, just needed “space”. I went back to our place and discovered a note to him on the door. I don’t remember what it said, but the implications were clear. I started moving my stuff out that night.

DSO
Sorry to hear that… and pretty textbook. So now you have a son and a cheating wife. Was divorce pretty soon after?

William
Oh that’s where it gets crazy. We had two sons at that time. She came to me a week after I moved out and told me she was pregnant. I told her I thought it wasn’t mine. The state of Oklahoma would not allow me to divorce her while she was pregnant. They also told me that I not only had to prove the baby was not mine, but I also had to prove whose the baby was or I would be held financially responsible for it. I was not allowed to divorce her because the baby had to remain a product of the marriage in case the true father was not found.

DSO
Oh, no way. Wow. Are the laws still the same to this day in OK?

William
It took a year and a half for all the prelim crap to get done and the divorce to be granted.
I don’t know. I live in Colorado now and haven’t been married for 16 years. Doubt I ever will again.

DSO
So eventually you prove the child is not yours AND you find the father?

William
Yes. It didn’t take too much detective work on my part.

DSO
I know I’m getting into specifics here… but this whole “state forcing the non-father to pay” thing always amazes me…. What was the process for proving the paternity? Did the suspected father have to go through testing? Or did he/they just confess?

William
I had to subpoena the blood from the baby as well as the suspected father. The fact that she was able to just keep the truth to herself and hope for the best has always stuck a burr in my saddle. She was not asked to testify or anything.

DSO
She knew she had the state on her side. Okay, so… two bio kids, one that is with her lover, and you are divorced. Does kid #3 have a relationship with bio dad?

William
Yes, but he always came over to my house with his brothers. Birthday parties, sleep overs, etc. He is currently getting his PhD and will be married in May. I’m invited to the wedding. He says his father is a 50/50 bet on whether he will show up.

DSO
Well, good for you and him both. Sticking with wife #1 for now. Looking back… any red flags through the short relationship?

William
Yes. She was my first, but she was known to have slept with a lot of boys in high school. I had some friends who warned me about her, but I didn’t listen.

DSO
You’re not the first and certainly not the last with that story. If you didn’t get her pregnant while in high school, would you have married her?

William
Her best friend got pregnant about the same time she did too. I think that was part of the plan.

Definitely not. I was trying to “do the right thing”. I wish I’d have been told by an older male role model that I didn’t have to marry her. Don’t know if it would have changed my mind, but it would have made the divorce decision come a lot faster.

DSO
And how soon after was kid #2?

William
Kid 1 was born 1987. We were married in 1988. Kid 2 was born 1991. We split up in 1993. Kid 3 (not mine) was born 1994.

DSO
Was #2 another “oops”?

William
No. He was planned. Maybe just a “trying to do the right thing” thing again. I am very close to my sons though. We have a lot of fun together.

DSO
That’s great. Did you have a fair co-parenting/custody sharing plan from the beginning?

William
Yes. But I was very busy working full time and going to college so I didn’t get to see them 50/50. That as used against me when it came time to calculate support, which makes no sense. I was doing my part when I had them.

DSO
And how has ex #1’s life gone since your split?

William
She married and divorced the guy she was sleeping with. She has just been released from the county jail and into a halfway house. Her and her new boyfriend were convicted on trafficking meth through the mail.

DSO
Wow. I’d say that’s a pretty low point in life. So how long after #1 did you meet #2?

William
I was sitting in a class in 1993 thinking about the aforementioned childhood sweetheart from before. All I knew of was where she worked, Wal-Mart. So I left class, drove to Wal-Mart and sure enough, there she was working the front. She took a break and I filled her in on my situation. She showed me evidence that her husband was physically abusing her. I told her that I didn’t want to wreck her marriage, but that if they broke up, I would like to give us a try. We began an affair, and she became pregnant with my daughter. There was and is no doubt that the child was/is mine.

So I guess it was only a matter of three months or so.

DSO
Wow. You weren’t wasting any time. Ran right into the arms of another broken one. Also not uncommon.

William
Haha. Oh ya.

DSO
So, the first red flag is obviously “I was abused” and “I am willing to have an affair and get pregnant”… what other red flags did gal #2 have? How about her family life?

William
Her mother was a mean bitch. I remembered it from my childhood. Nothing had changed in the years that followed. She was a tom boy and an athlete from the time we met, age 13, all the way through high school. She actually told me after she divorce her first husband that she never wanted to marry again. I was so happy we were together that I didn’t mind. We were living together and we had a daughter. My two sons, my bonus son, and her son were with us most of the time once I finished college. We were making the blended family work. She never initiated sex though. I thought she was submissive, but as it turned out she was hiding a deeper secret. Queue suspenseful music…

DSO
So… in hindsight do you feel she grasped onto you as a way out of marriage #1?

William
Yes. I also feel that she knew she could get away with what she had planned next because of what had happened in my previous marriage. I may be paranoid, but that doesn’t make me wrong.

DSO
So, she gets pregnant… how long after did you marry?

William
She approached me two years later in 1997 and asked, “Why haven’t you asked me to marry you?” and I said, “Because you said you didn’t want to get married.” and she said, “Well, we might as well. I mean, look at all these kids in our house.” and I said, “Okay”. Shortly after, I called the kids into the living room and I proposed to her. We eloped to Colorado and were married on Christmas Eve, 1997 in Aspen.

DSO
And after marriage… how long until the big bomb drop?

William
June, 2003 she told me she was leaving me. She didn’t say why at the time. We had just made our first payment on a new house.

DSO
Wow. What was the process after that? Did you start investigating?

William
I take that back. She told me she was leaving in April and the truth about why came out in June.

I helped her move into her own apartment. I told the landlord I needed a key since I was on the lease. When she took her son to the movies one night, I went to her apartment and found a journal. In it, she confessed her love to her new girlfriend who lived two states away and she revealed her plan to move there as soon as she could.

DSO
Wow.

William
It was shortly after that she admitted she was gay. She never told me of her intention to move. She intended to abandon us.

DSO
You were helping her move into an apartment that she planned on leaving soon?

William
Yes.

DSO
And her plan was to leave you and the kid?

William
Yes. and my stepson with his father.

DSO
Oh wow. How did she meet the girlfriend?

William
Work. The GF had moved away in order to prevent wrecking our marriage, or so the story goes.

DSO
I see. Did the wife later admit she always KNEW she was gay, or this was something she discovered later in life?

William
She said that she had always known she was gay. She said no man was ever going to touch her again and that her whole life had been a lie. She was celebrated for now “living her truth”. The fact that she had discovered it at the expense of so many lives was swept under the rug.

Maybe not discovered it, but verified it. Found the courage to admit it to herself. However you look at it.

DSO
And she has remained in the new lifestyle since then?

William
Yes. She has a GF now that she met when she was 45 and the GF was 17. Also something for which she has never been held accountable.

DSO
WOW. Well, this is usually the case in these relationship dramas. The damsels in distress will get the adulation… You’ll just go crazy trying to understand it.
So, how soon after the bomb drop did you divorce?

William
It took four and a half years. When I would go to court, the judge would give her additional time to appear even though she had left the state. Once I got Oklahoma DHS to start garnishing her paycheck for child support did she finally show up and the divorce was granted. She also got custody arrangements changed and once she paid her back child support, I had to start paying her. I raised my daughter for five years without help from her and then she came in and got what she wanted.

She moved back to Oklahoma and started playing “supermom”

DSO
Wow. That seems to be the them for this story: “Wow” She moved back to OK… and the kids went to live with her?

William
Haha. I’m 16 years out and I still can’t believe it.

By the time she came back, my daughter was 13. She wanted to know her mom and asked if it was okay if she lived with her. I helped my daughter move. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. it is a fact that if not for her, I wouldn’t be alive. We are very close today. So part of what the gay ex got was what I allowed her to have for the sake of my daughter.

DSO
And she stayed with her for all of her teens?

William
Yes. But again, I would meet her for breakfast before school and I would have her and her friends over when she wanted. My gay ex knew I would do anything for my daughter too, which of course she used to her advantage.

DSO
And her relationship with your daughter today?

William
They are good. One year after I left OK for CO, my daughter followed me though. All of my biological children have left OK and moved closer to me, much to their mothers’ dismay I’m sure.

My daughter and her mother visit occasionally. I have no contact with her mother. We haven’t spoken in years.

DSO
So after the second divorce… have you had any relationships? Dating?

William
My first relationship after the gay ex (both wives were my first and second) I had an affair with the minister’s wife. She divorced her husband to marry me, but I told her I wasn’t going to marry again. That ended our relationship poorly. Had a GF for about three months in 2007 or so. She broke up with me because I told her I didn’t plan on marrying again. I don’t date at all now. I work hard and do my own thing.

DSO
There does appear to be a pattern here… not to play psychologist… and I don’t mean to overstep my bounds.
1. Being attracted to broken women
2. Ignoring red flags and jumping into serious relationships with broken women.
3. Pursuing relationships with women who are already attached to others.
Sounds like you nipped #2 in the bud and stopped the marriage train.

William
If I had to self-psychoanalyze, I’d say that I have a bit of a hero complex after seeing my mom take some hellacious beatings and not being big enough to stop it. I did not grow up to be an abuser. But instead I grew up allowing myself to be used. I didn’t stand up for myself. Now I do. I am fine on my own. I’d love to meet someone who would love me, but it is not a priority.

DSO
Did you have a close relationship with your mom? Almost a surrogate spouse to her?

William
Yes. She is a retired nurse and an absolute hero.

I’m about out of time. I wanted to plug the Straight Spouse Network. It is a support group among those who may have married homosexuals either knowingly or unknowingly. They are at www.Straightspouse.org. They have been very healing for me over the last couple of years.

DSO
Thank you for sharing your story!

William
You’re Welcome. Keep up the good work.

Real Love

Estimated Reading Time: 7 minutes

What is “REAL” love?

Real love is the man who has been with his wife for 30+ years and helps bathe and feed her while she battles life-threatening cancer. He drives her back and forth to her chemo sessions and cleans the vomit in the car while telling her she’s beautiful and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

Real love is the elderly wife who feeds, hugs, kisses and sings songs to her husband of 50 years as his brain is eaten away by dementia. He doesn’t have a clue who she is, but she doesn’t care one bit.

Real love is the wife who finds out her husband lost his job and tells him that she is so excited for his future and will do all she can to help him land the next big gig.

Real loves is tough. Real love is strong.

Real love is a choice.

“Falling in love” is NOT real love. That is lust. That is a shot of dopamine hitting your brain like a bullet. That is nature saying, “You must procreate with this human!” It’s brain cocaine. It’s fleeting and very easily fades with time.

The irony is that all good romantic relationships should start with the brain cocaine dopamine hit. They should start with, “Whoa… who is that girl over there??” There should be butterflies and anxiety. If the feelings are reciprocated, this should eventually result in lots of awesome nights together in bed with a sexual freedom only seen with truly compatible people.

Real love presents itself when those insane lustful feelings inevitably start to fade. Real love steps up when life beats you upside the head and makes you want to crawl in bed forever. Real love keeps your head above water.

After you live together for several years, what was once a cute little quirk becomes an irritating habit that makes you want to claw your eyes out. The kids make you want to run out to the woods and scream. Your life at home is just so fucking draining.

That’s when it’s decision time:

“Is this person and our relationship worth the inevitable years of hard work ahead of us? Does it get better?”

Make no mistake, real love IS hard work.  To remain committed and loving to a partner requires a whole series of steps that, frankly, most of us just aren’t cut out to do.

Most of us shouldn’t be in long-term relationships. It’s not for everyone.

Not only is real love not for everyone, it doesn’t happen very often. Contrary to what Hollywood may tell you, REAL LOVE is EXTREEEEEEEMMEEEELLLY rare. Finding two people who enjoy the intense lustful fun of the honeymoon stage AND are able to string together several decades of strong dedication and love… well, that’s like winning the lottery.

I wouldn’t bet on it happening in your lifetime. Sorry if that stings, but it’s the truth.

You don’t just fall into real love. You choose it. You work for it. You EARN it. It’s very tough. Most don’t have the stomach for it. It takes two people deciding to work very hard and work together on a common goal: Stay together and help each other go through life as happy and content as possible.

Falling in love is easy. You literally cannot help it when your brain and penis say, “Whoa… that chick is amazing. I don’t know if I’ve seen anyone hotter. I would totally do her. OMG she just smiled at me.” The woman can’t help it when her brain and hoohah say, “Whoa… that guy is really cute, rich and seems to really like me. I wonder what it would be like to be his wife. Hmmmmm….”

Those thoughts and feelings happen in a millisecond. Nature doing what it’s supposed to do. The falling in love part happens when you take those feelings and combine them with opportunity and willingness to follow-through to the next step.

It doesn’t take much time at all, and almost zero effort to cross that line.

Already in a relationship and experiencing these thoughts about others? Real love means recognizing these perfectly natural feelings of approaching the line, stopping, and turning in the other direction.

Real love means taking those lustful feelings home to your spouse and showing them your sexual side you reserve just for them. Physical intimacy is absolutely crucial for real love. Without it you are buddies.

Real love also means recognizing the extreme importance of those early “in love” feelings and doing all you can to keep them going throughout your relationship. You NEED to keep that fire going. Real love means taking care of yourself and doing all the “shallow” work of looking nice so that your spouse will be happy to show you off. Real love knows you have to sprinkle in lust and anxiety here and there to keep the sexy love engine going. Real love means being true to yourself and your sexuality and being open with your partner about your needs.

Real love means never getting comfortable. All of this could go away in a heartbeat… as many of us have learned.

It’s hard. Most people can’t do the work.

Most people see the end goal of “real love” and think it begins and ends when you say “I DO”. Nope. Not by a long shot. That’s when the real fun begins. That’s when you test the strength of your relationship.

Want kids? That’s the biggest test of all. You’ve just put your marriage on HARD mode. The lure of throwing away all the silly shallow sexy stuff and propping up your Provider role is stronger than ever. That’s a disaster waiting to happen, as those in dead bedrooms can tell you.

Getting older? You’re both not as young and virile as you used to be. She’s not getting catcalls anymore and young gals run away when you try to be friendly with them. As far as the rest of the “sexual marketplace” is concerned, your values just went down the toilet. Do you just say “fuck it” and plop yourself in the recliner for the next 20 years, or do you value your relationship and put in the hard work of trying to be the sexiest damn spouse possible?

Are you worth the effort? Is SHE worth it? Is your relationship worth it?

Times they are a changin’

If the inevitable aging and introduction of kids aren’t enough… modern society has kicked things up a notch for you. It’s now tougher than ever to maintain and nurture REAL love.

Thanks to social media and that stupid supercomputer phone in your pocket, temptation is just one tap or swipe away. Your wife knows this truth better than anyone.

Men are desperate. Men will bang a knothole in a tree if they have to. They see a tired mom who was worn down by life, and all it takes is “Hey there, sexy. Haven’t seen you in YEARS!” on the Facebook messenger and your wife’s dormant sexual engine gets started right back up.

Nothing wears down the boundaries of a woman like a dull and predictable marriage to a dull and predictable husband. What is comfortable real love to the boring husband is life-questioning unfulfillment to his wife.

Yes, the man that everyone says is a loser is able to pull your beloved wife away from the foundation of real love that have you built together all these years.

That is the delicate nature of real love. It is no match for falling “in love”. The drug is way too powerful. All it takes is one side to walk away, and it’s all over. Years, if not decades of marital equity wiped out with one steamy sexting session with that guy from the bar.

It takes two to tango.

Most guys I work with had the end goal of “Real Love” in mind when they married. They wanted nothing more than to be the comfortable loving grandparents sitting on the porch watching their grandkids play in the front yard. Then they get blindsided when they find out their spouse opted out of the agreement and instead pursued the instant gratification of “falling in love” with an affair partner.

Why would she DO that?!

What was once viewed as so strong and comfortable is now a piece of trash that can be easily tossed into the waste bin.

Real love… it ain’t for everybody.

You picked somebody who got a whiff of excitement and decided to pursue the life of momentary excitement over the inevitable years of hard work. They let nature take over and rode the “falling in love” wave right outta your life.  It may have taken years, but they finally showed you what they are made of, and it’s not good.

They’re not cut out for real love. Lesson learned.

You’re not the first to go down this road, and you most certainly won’t be the last.

I cringe every time I see a poor guy emotionally vomiting on Facebook after he’s been dumped. If he’s lucky enough to get responses (nobody gives a shit), SOMEBODY will inevitably say “You will find true love again! Trust me!”

Sigh.

Immediately, people are saying to our poor sap, “You know what the cure for being dumped is? Falling in love with another woman and trying again!” This is the absolute last thing these men need to hear.

Most of my readers have some type of childhood baggage that has programmed them to look for REAL love above all else in life. They sacrifice their dignity, their masculinity, and their sanity in order to achieve the prize that they feel is their god-given right.

Even if that means putting up with a cheating spouse and groveling at her feet when she has such obvious disdain for him, he will hang on for dear life. She’s busy kicking away at his ribs repeatedly saying, “I. DON’T. LOVE. YOU.” He’s coughing up blood while screaming, “BUT… WE HAVE REAL LOVE!”

When finally kicked to the curb for good, these men try to immediately stop the bleeding with another woman.

He wants so badly to win the lottery. He keeps buying scratch-offs and tickets for the MegaBucks/Powerball weekly drawing. instead, he should spend that money on a therapist and a gym membership.

As I’ve said many times… it’s not until you have harmony and balance within yourself that you have an opportunity to find real love. Until then, you just find women to fill a hole. Women aren’t spackle. They’re human beings. They’re flawed. The more you NEED them to fix what ails you, the more FLAWED your partner is likely to be. The woman who you meet and decide to move in with 3 months after meeting her is more likely to have the kind of baggage that will bring you and everything you love down the toilet.

You don’t NEED real love to function. You don’t NEED it to thrive. You don’t NEED it to be a man.

The more you don’t NEED something, the more likely you are to find it.

Such is life.

Porn

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Eugene the porn addict

Meet Eugene.

Eugene will be the first to tell you that he doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. In fact, for all intents and purposes, he is worthless in the mating game. For years he has watched everyone else out there being happy and getting laid. He spends month after month, year after year, alone. No companionship. No intimacy.

His very human needs are not being met.

He’s not dumb. He sees what it takes to get women attracted to him, but he feels it’s just not worth the effort. He just wasn’t made to be a Lover. He’s resigned himself to his lower status.

But, he still has needs.

To relieve the tension, he has resorted to watching his hotter, more attractive friends have sex while he masturbates. That’s right… Couples get naked and have crazy sex while he sits in the corner, hunched over, masturbating like a monkey. They never acknowledge his presence, let alone ask him to join in. He’s basically invisible. He’s cool with that. Everyone agrees on this arrangement beforehand.

He finishes. Doesn’t take long. He leaves. He may leave a little money on the way out the door. Usually not.

He does this daily. Every single day he finds somebody to watch have sex. Sometimes it’s the same couple. Sometimes he likes to mix it up, maybe throw in a dwarf, two or more women together, or maybe some extreme bondage. His tastes seem to get more extreme as time goes on. There’s never a shortage of people willing to help him out.

After doing this for years, this has become his sole means of reaching orgasm. He can’t do it any other way.

This, my friends, is porn.

When viewing porn, you are admitting your lower sexual status. You are throwing your hands up in resignation and saying, “Ok, can I just sit here and pleasure myself while you way more attractive people do all the hard work? I won’t bother you. “ It’s like sexual welfare.

Porn is like that two-way mirror that they use in police interrogation rooms. You’re on one side jerking off while the hot people are on the other side having the time of their lives. They don’t see you, but they know you’re there. They’ll even angle their bodies towards you to give you a better view. Then they’ll all laugh at you when you leave the building. “He’ll be back, they say. “He always comes back. Pathetic.”

You’re addicted.

You can also think of porn as a drug. Like alcohol, some of us can have a little taste one night and forget about it for weeks or months at a time. It’s just a social lubricant and makes things relaxing and fun. For some of us, we have a drink not just to unwind or hang out with friends, but to self-medicate. We have anxiety issues or insecurities that alcohol does a very good job of mending (temporarily).

Booze saves you the hard work of dealing with your deep-seated issues like a grownup. Why go through all the trouble of real introspection and therapy when you can have a few beers on a nightly basis? Everybody does it, right?

The problem with booze is that it’s ok in small doses, but can quickly lead to a HUGE number of problems if taken to the next level. Unfortunately, the “next level” is hard to define. It varies greatly from person to person. Everyone with a drinking problem will tell you how it just “snuck up” on them and one day they found they couldn’t function normally without it.

Porn is the exact same way.

With porn, you’re avoiding dealing with the main issue that is staring you directly in the face:

You’re not getting laid.

More specifically,  you’re not doing things necessary to GET laid. Instead, you’re just doing things that cause you to have an orgasm.

There’s a huge difference between having a real intimate relationship with another human being (even if maybe just for one night) and being hunched over in front of your glowing laptop. Actual sex is the natural result of a fun and drawn-out dating game of socializing with other people. You eventually allow enough trust and attraction to build up so that you can get naked with another human and rub your dirty bits together.

What’s not natural is feeling that itch for intimacy, firing up your computer, and reaching orgasm within minutes. Your brain and body weren’t setup for such an arrangement. Much like eating Cheetohs… or drinking way too much vodka.

Who is the typical porn consumer?

As I see it, there are two kinds of regular porn users:

1. I can’t get sex. I need relief. Porn is a quick way to get what I need. I have grown accustomed to it. It’s the same as having my morning cup of coffee. I’m legitimately addicted to porn.

2. I am married or have a girlfriend. I can get sex if I tried… But it’s just easier to rub one out instead of going through all the trouble of being intimate with my partner. Yes, I use porn regularly. Maybe even every day. But… I don’t have a problem. I have sex with my wife, after all. Sometimes.

#2 is becoming more and more common. These guys are like alcoholics in denial. They have a giant bottle of vodka hidden in their office and don’t think it’s a big deal.  Hey, everybody drinks, right? No, they don’t tell their loved ones about it. Yes, they feel some shame about it… But, again,  it’s no big deal, right?

Ask their partner if it’s a big deal.

There’s a growing Dead Bedroom community of sex-hungry wives and girlfriends online crying about their men repeatedly turning them down for sex. What’s most disturbing to them is that their man has a huge internet porn habit. The wife is told that he is just so tired from work and can’t think about sex. She then goes to his internet browser history and sees link after link of gangbang porn he watched just ten minutes ago. She is crushed.

The quick drug of streaming porn gave him the relief he desired, and now he no longer feels the need for the very real flesh and bone of the woman he loves. He has short-circuited his brain. His natural inclination is to find women and try to have sex with them. Thanks to modern technology and the free market system, he has found a MUCH easier way to achieve the same end result. He’s able to skip steps A – Y and jump right to Z.

This is not a good thing.

The gap between the guys at the top of the Dude Pyramid (who get all the girls) and those at the bottom is widening rapidly. There’s a myriad of reasons why. Most men are out of shape, tired, uninteresting, and lack the oomph they need to crawl up the ladder and better themselves. Porn is a huge component of why this is happening.

You watch porn all the time? Congrats. You’re Eugene.  The porn producers are preying upon your human nature. They have engineered their product in a way that keeps you coming back again and again… while they shove their dick-growing pill advertisements in your face.

They know you’re insecure and not getting any. They know precisely what buttons to push to get you coming back every day and possibly forking over a few bucks in the process.

You’re in the sub-basement level of the Dude Pyramid.You’re down there with the degenerates, weirdos and social misfits that all of society says “Ew, go away” to.

Cut this shit out of your life.

Don’t be another fucking Eugene. Be a man. Go get laid.

“My Wife Wants An Open Marriage”

Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

More and more I’m seeing the topic of “Open Marriages” come up from men online. Unlike what many people may think, it’s not the men making the case for sleeping with other women, but rather husbands caught off guard by what they thought was a seemingly happy wife pushing them to “allow” her to have sex with other men. “Hey,” the wife explains, “You can have sex with other women now, too!”

The man is confused, scared, angry… and yet… intrigued.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s dive into the nitty gritty of this alternative lifestyle choice and why it is now so much out in the open and what it means for YOU.

The concept of an “open” marriage is not a new one. Two people being together in marriage but open to sex with others has been around (but kpt hush-hush) since… well… forever. It wasn’t until the 1972 book Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples came out that a how-to guide for these adventuresome couples was created and the concept further thrusted into popular culture. This was in the midst of a huge sexual revolution in America… the 60’s and 70’s. The baby boomers were challenging, well… everything. If it was “normal” it was “a drag”. Is there an institution that is more “normal” than good old-fashioned marriage?

Let’s not confuse people in open marriages with swingers. Unlike swingers, open marriage couples have fun without the other partner. Swingers go to parties together and possibly have sex with others in front of their partner. People in an open marriage go out and have dates and casual sex without the presence of the marriage partner.

What do the two have in common? Both are very strict about one rule: “We are married. We are partners. We are primarily with each other. Doing things with others is just sex. It’s just fun. That’s it. Our communication is always open and we do everything to avoid the complications of becoming attached to others outside of our marriage.”

As with most things in life, it ain’t that easy. This is especially true when sex is involved.

With the 1980’s came the Reagan era and AIDS. The party was over. Studio 54 emptied out, the bathhouses closed up shop and the sexually adventurous all got scared and went home. People they loved were dying and relationships were falling apart left and right. Hey… maybe boring monogamous marriage is ok after all? Seems to be a lot less trouble, at least.

The authors of Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, reassessed things and came out with the follow-up book called The Marriage Premise. They conducted follow-up interviews with couples they spotlighted in their first book… and it wasn’t pretty. Most of the couples were not honest with each other about their extramarital affairs (so much for open communication and not getting feelings involved), and as a consequence, most of the marriages did not survive. The authors were upset that so many people took the concept of “open marriage” and defined it as “go out and have sex with whoever, there are no consequences”. They saw the concept more as “be individuals that have experiences outside of the marriage… oh, and that might mean sex with others, too.” Understandably, everyone saw “SEX WITH OTHERS” and went hog wild.

Wow. Who saw that coming?

Fast forward to today, and the social climate has changed dramatically since the 70’s. Women are more powerful than ever. They are the majority of our university students, they occupy high levels in the corporate world and they have stay-at-home husbands that take care of their kids.

With all these changes comes dramatic shifts in our relationship dynamics.

Many men point at times like the 1950’s as the Shangri la of marriage past. The man works and the wife stays home and cares for the kids. Divorce rates were much lower. Everything just clicked into place. What they fail to mention is that women weren’t necessarily happy with the situation, but the social pressure and lack of financial options may have left them trapped in unfulfilling marriages. She could divorce and be a broke social pariah… or stick it out and raise a family and try to enjoy life.

Both the social and the economic barriers to divorce have been broken down. Women now file for 70% of all divorces… even higher if she is college-educated.

Today we have a pervasive theme that has both good and bad repercussions. That theme is a deadly combo of “you go girl” and “you deserve it all”. When society tells you that your nagging feelings of doubt and unfulfillment are not only legitimate but can and SHOULD also be acted upon… well, that can be a recipe for disaster for the unsuspecting husband.

To summarize: We’re seeing a rise in women telling their husbands: “I would like to go out and test the waters to see what else is out there… but I don’t want to blow up this comfortable marriage we have going on here. At least, not until I know I have a for sure thing lined up. Cool?” In the past, this would result in a one-way ticket to DivorceTown, USA and a lifetime of social shame and financial struggle.

Today, it’s an empowering statement and realization of her own sexuality.

I did a search for “Open Marriage” and saw article after article that came up with the same basic conclusion:

“You know… maybe an open marriage isn’t such a bad idea.”

 

Is the cultural zeitgeist shifting? Is society overall more open and accepting of relationships that fall outside of the monogamous template we’ve known all these generations?

No. Actually, if the General Social Survey is to be believed, people today are more intolerant of sexual relationships outside of marriage than they were back in the free and sexy 70’s.

These pro-open marriage articles aren’t based on hundreds of couple interviews with thousands of data points to digest. No, their research stopped at, “The wife She felt trapped, she wanted something more, she heard about open marriage and wanted to try it… and that’s perfectly ok.”  To say that Sally’s thoughts and feeling MAY NOT be 100% A-OK and could actually be destructive to the relationship would go against the much larger and more inclusive/progressive theme of “Anything goes. Who are we to judge? If she wants it, it must be ok.”

In other words, telling Sally, “Seriously? That’s a pretty stupid and selfish thing to ask. Perhaps you’re just not cut out for marriage.” results in being labeled an oppressive misogynist.

Maybe we’re jumping the gun here and assuming the worst. These are genuine feelings that Sally and thousands of other women like her are experiencing on a regular basis. Maybe the strict confines of a traditional marriage are too much to bear. Hey, men always want to sleep around, right? They like porn and strip clubs and other outlets for their sexuality. That’s the equivalent of cheating in many women’s eyes. Maybe it’s time women evened the score and tried out a more sexually free lifestyle. Life is short. Why be miserable?

Maybe your wife has genuine sexual desire that she feels can’t be confined to your one-on-one relationship. Maybe THAT’s why your sex life is so dull. Maybe she just feels trapped. Maybe she absolutely still loves you and her sleeping around will go on for years and years and you two will continue to grow closer and closer emotionally and live happily ever after.

It’s possible, sure.

I’ve never seen it play out like that.

In fact, based on what I have seen again and again, I feel confident enough to say:

A wife asking for an open marriage signals the beginning of the end of the marriage. She’s breaking up with you.

The wife is so confident in her ability to dictate the rules of the relationship (she lost respect for you long ago), that she tells you she wants to have sex with other men but still keep you around for the other non-sexual resources she needs.

She is bluntly telling you, You are a great Provider, but I need more Lover. Don’t go anywhere. Not yet, anyway. I need you for all that non-Lover stuff right now.”

I can’t think of anything more hurtful to a man, to be honest. Your wife is, in essence, leaving the romantic side of the relationship… and telling you to put your feelings on hold right now while she figures things out and gets her mind straight.

Why is she doing this?

More than likely, this means that another relationship candidate(s) has already been lined up. She would normally just have an affair behind your back… but that can get messy. This absolves her of any guilt or shame. It also keeps the logistics of her life in order until she can figure things out.

The wife is not stupid. She knows that asking her husband,“Can I sleep around?” will probably be met with “Are you out of your god damned mind?” So, she says what all women in this position say:

“You know, you can have sex with other women, too!”

Before she can finish the sentence, the dumb husband is already fantasizing about that one girl at the gym, that one cashier at the grocery store and that chick that smiled at him that one time at his kid’s basketball game.

Men can be so delusional.

He envisions a buffet of hot women at his disposal. A veritable conga line of hoohah ready for him to sample whenever he likes. This will be the sex life he has always fantasized about! It’ll be just like porn!

But, wait… that means his wife has sex with other men. That’s not good. Oh well… he can deal with that jealousy when it comes. The buffet awaits. This will be amazing.

TRUTH: THE FANTASY RARELY, IF EVER, PANS OUT FOR THE MAN.

Sexually, you and your wife are living in two completely different worlds. Even if you look amazing, you’re charming, you talk a great game and have lots of cash to use on your dates… your success in dating will pale in comparison to your wife’s.

She’s going to get laid. A lot. You will not. It’s just that simple.

If you were the type of guy that could go out and get laid so easily, your wife probably wouldn’t be asking for an open marriage.

Fast forward to six months after you agree to the new arrangement, and you have a grand total of one woman that you had a series of dates with and one awful night of sex. It probably turned you off from the whole idea completely, but you don’t dare tell the wife. You innately know that your lack of success in dating will paint you as a lower status than her. That will be extremely unattractive.

Your wife, on the other hand, had many steamy nights of sex with the one guy she had already begun a relationship with. That didn’t work out, so she cried in the arms of another guy she kinda knew… a friend of a friend… and that resulted in a two-month affair that also fizzled out. While she was out with her girlfriends drinking her sorrows away, she met two more men she exchanged numbers with and ended up having sex with them both over the next two weeks.

You get the idea. Not the same ballgame. Combine a world of desperately horny men and a wife with zero boundaries and her new “I get to have extramarital affairs guilt-free” card, and you are in for a world of trouble.

Please keep in mind one important thing: What your wife is doing is NOT just enjoying casual sex with zero interest in commitment. She is most likely looking for a replacement partner. Something or somebody pushed her buttons and her “must procure new mate” programming is off and running. She is back on the market and she won’t stop until she gets the guy that will check all the boxes. That’s when you’ll get the crying wife at home apologizing and telling you that she didn’t MEAN to fall in love with this guy, but it just happened.

There MAY be women out there who can casually date and have sex outside of the marriage and be completely unfazed and return home to husband with zero attachment to the other man. I have never seen nor have I ever heard about this scenario playing out successfuly. I just don’t feel that the majority of women are wired for such an arrangement.

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