Mommy’s Coping Skills

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Women are more social by nature. What their peer groups says and thinks and feels is of paramount importance. Not only do women tend to “follow the herd” more than men, keep up with trends, and make the majority of the buying decisions (over 80% of consumer spending is done by women), but they also take their emotional cues from their social group. If the group is stressed, she’s stressed. If the group is happy, she’s happy. If the group thinks her husband is a lazy slob, she thinks her husband is a lazy slob.

For example, more than a few men have been pissed at their wife’s inability to appreciate his hard work and dedication to her and the family. Then, one day a friend of your wife’s points out to her what a great guy you are, and your wife suddenly awakens and is appreciative. Mary said that Greg said you are the hardest worker they have at your company. That made me realize how lucky I am to have such a great husband!” she says as she hugs you tightly. Gee, glad Mary was around to point out the obvious, sweetie! Or you could… you know… just open your eyes and see me coming home exhausted every day and appreciate me, without needing your friend’s input first.

The social dynamic has changed immensely. What used to be long, gossip-filled telephone conversations at the kitchen table with her friends has now turned into all-day-long social media posting marathons. Social media is heroin for the woman who is preoccupied with the life of her friends and celebrities. Lots of clicking. Lots of posting. Lots of liking. Every single day.  It’s not a good thing.

It didn’t take long after the invention of Facebook for posts by busy moms to go from “Look at this cute picture of my perfect kid”, to regular posts telling moms that is it okay to be a horrible parent every now and then and to just “let go”. That’s when it started going downhill fast. The general mom-centric social media theme quickly morphed into: “Life sucks. Life is stressful. My god, how do we do this? How can we juggle so many things?!  Working moms are living saints! LIFE IS SO GOD DAMN HARD. We must mentally escape or we will die!” The social group has spoken. Current mood: Overstressed.  

Once the “Woe is me” social media train started rolling, there was no stopping it. Victimhood is contagious. Mommy martyrdom is their new drug.

If my personal Facebook feed is to be believed, alcoholism has been a very cool hobby for the modern day mom. It’s hip. It’s cute. It’s a big, funny joke that we all laugh along with. “Oh, mommy and her wine. She needs it with those three rug rats at home, am I right?! Gotta have her mom juice!”   There is meme after meme about mommy needing a timeout as she avoids the kids and polishes off a bottle of the happy stuff. I even saw an ad for a wine glass holder for the shower. God forbid mom has to endure the hardships of bathing without her drug!

In the 60’s and 70’s, we had a somewhat hush-hush trend of women using valium to “calm mommy’s nerves”. These days it’s a bottle of whichever wine with a funky label is on sale at the grocery store that day. Both are no good for her health, and yet both have been accepted as “Just the way it is… otherwise mom will go off the rails. Let’s keep her medicated and tolerable.”  The irony is that what seems like such an obviously sexist way of thinking (“Poor silly stupid ladies”) is not perpetuated by men , but by their fellow women.  Ask any man who has worked with or hung out with a group of women. These groups of women seem to have an innate need to bring down their fellow women when given the chance, sometimes subconsciously. “Yes, drink the wine, sweetie. You deserve it. Life is awful tough. Don’t worry, we’re all doing it, too. It’s okay. LOOK! She’s now a horrible mom, too! Now I don’t feel so bad!”

What a drag it is getting old
‘Kids are different today,’ I hear ev’ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she’s not really ill
There’s a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper.

– The Rolling Stones 

The wino mom trend is not cute. It’s not funny. It’s disturbing. It’s shameful. The behavior that is glorified and joked about in memes is what we commonly refer to as “alcoholism”. Alcoholism can and will ruin lives. If you are polishing off an entire bottle of wine (or more) a day just so you can cope with life’s stress, you have a serious substance abuse issue. You are unable to cope with life on your own. The thought terrifies you. 

I will say it until I am blue in the face: Most people are not cut out for long-term relationships. It’s too tough for most. Most of the relationship candidates out there are BAD relationship candidates. Most women you will encounter in life have a very VERY difficult time coping when shit hits the fan, and trust me… shit WILL hit the fan at some point. Many women just don’t have the tools in their mental toolbox to deal with it. They will absolutely find a way to ease the pain of life and deal with it in an unhealthy way. This is why she spends too much, eats too much, has the affair, and drinks like a fish.

In an era of “No shame… do what you want and we will not judge you for it”, society still finds a way to point out the broken people we should all stay away from. Social Media is doing an excellent job of shaking the bushes and watching the bad relationship rats scurry and hide. Pay close attention. Everything you need to know is there. Your woman’s social media feed is the new and effective barometer of her mental health. Red flags will be there for the world to see. You just need to remove you rose-colored glasses to see them.

Empty wine bottles in the trash day after day are not a joke. They are a clinking, heavy bag of glaringly awful red flags. You have been warned.

Dear DSO: It’s not so easy for some of us.

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I know you talk about having to move on and get over your wife after she cheats on you, but it’s not so easy for some guys. My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two kids. We work together. Her dad owns the business where I work. It’s a business that has been in a her family for a really long time. My wife does not want to divorce. If I decided to divorce her, I’d probably lose my high-paying job with her dad’s business. I really don’t have much in the way of a resume that will help me get another good job. The job market sucks right now.  Where would I live? My parents live a thousand miles away. I can’t move there because then I wouldn’t see my kids. If we divorced, she’d probably get the kids almost full-time because I’m a dad with no money.

 

I’m basically stuck. She had one affair two years ago, and now I just discovered another. I love her still, but I’m starting to lose attraction to her. I can’t stand to lay down next to her at night. We stopped having sex almost completely after the first affair was discovered. Now I usually spend the nights sleeping on the couch.

 

I just want my life back.

 

So I just wanted to let you know that’s it not so easy for some of us out there.

Gary

Dear Gary,

First, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, brother. I can’t imagine the stress.  But, you’re right. It’s not so easy for everyone. It’s not as easy as sayin, “See ya, bitch!” for a lot of guys. Kids complicate things a great deal. Add to that your unique job situation, and your world just got a hell of a lot tougher than most.

Your situation illustrates two hugely important things:

  1. Don’t make yourself dependent upon your spouse for your livelihood. Ideally, you want to be the guy that doesn’t NEED his wife. The more you NEED her to function day-to-day, the higher the chances are that you will fail the relationship game.
  2. You really need to better vet your relationship candidate. Red flags? Run. I’m wiling to bet there were a plethora of red flags early on in the relationship that you ignored. Then you kept digging the hole deeper and deeper and find yourself in this predicament.

She currently holds all of the cards. This is not an even contest, by any stretch. You WILL completely fail at this game eventually. I realize you probably think you’re failing pretty hard at life already, but things will inevitably get much worse for you. It’s just a matter of time. She will at some point land an affair partner that will be dumb enough to declare her the love of his life, and you will quickly see divorce papers on your desk. She’ll make the big awful decision for you.  She has already replaced you in her mind, now she just needs to iron out the all the logistical stuff about ending your relationship. Step 1 of that plan is to get a new man and to make sure he sticks around (the other two affair partners probably used her for sex and weren’t interested in committing). Step 2 is to then cut ties with you completely. This is where she may try to get the kids away from you, lie about you, take money, make your life hell, etc.

The ideal relationship is one where two people that are completely independent and fine on their own get together because they love and adore each other and want to help each other go through the adventure of life. The more all of the facets of their respective lives intertwine, the more trouble pops up. If her hobbies becomes yours, if mom-in-law is living with you full-time, if you only hang out with her friends, if you work side-by-side, if the in-laws sign your paychecks, etc… that all leads to further intertwining of the two worlds and a whole lot of trouble.

Lawyer up. Now. You don’t have to file. But you need to be prepared. The lawyer can tell what to do and what not to do to prepare yourself for the inevitable.

Good luck, my friend.

Dear DSO: How do I get my husband to be more of a Lover?

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I am a woman but somehow found your articles and I think they’re great! Very clearly stated why marriages fail and women cheat on “nice guys”.

Would be great to see an article for women someday – how to help a husband to become more of a lover and less of a provider? He’s never been a “lover” but we just became great friends and then more (my initiative, of course, his first serious relationship – textbook case, I guess). Good looking, wealthy, smart, caring and loving to extreme. But after 6 years I’m bored – I crave for jokes, fun, excitement, sexy, a bit selfish and independent man. I told him so many times. He wants marriage and kids; I dread that as kids would make him even more of a provider and I’m starting to doubt if my willpower will be enough and my innocent flirt with other guys won’t turn into more someday. I love him and want to make it work but not sure I can be satisfied with a provider all my life (I’m financially independent and have no desire for kids).

Should we split or is there a way to bring out “lover” in a man?

Mary

Hello Mary,
 
There are a couple of things that stick out for me in the description of your relationship. First and foremost is that HE is wanting to settle down and have kids. YOU are pretty much in the mindset of being an independent career woman and have no interest in having kids. Would you say you have no interest in having kids with HIM (since he is already a Provider type and, as you point out, kids will just amplify those traits) or is it more that you don’t want kids ever no matter who your partner may be? I think that’s a question you need to take time out to ponder for a while.
 
Either way, that alone sounds like a relationship breaker for most people. He wants kids. You don’t.
 
Setting aside the kids thing for the moment, you say you would like to make your relationship work with him… but you need him to be more fun, sexy and independent. See, the way it works with men is pretty simple: BE BLUNT. Guys don’t work well with nuance. We don’t do subtlety. The best course of action is to simply TELL him what you want and LEAD him to it. Seriously. An example may be to say, “As I get older and more mature, I realize that our relationship needs to be dirty and more fun than it is right now. I need that extra oomph to keep me going. I love you for everything you are, but I do need more… and I’m not the type to go out and cheat. Instead, I want to have sexy and fun adventures with you. I want us to take our relationship to a new level.” See how he responds. He may be a little embarrassed. You may hurt his feelings. He may be extremely turned on. It could be that he has a kinky side to him but he has been shamed into being Mr. Nice Guy his whole life. That’s not uncommon. Maybe all it takes is his hot wife to say, “It’s okay to be crazy dirty. I love it.” 
 
Regardless of his response, the truth is out in the open and that’s always a good thing.
 
Let’s be honest, having to “lead” your man to be more fun and sexy may just completely turn you off. After all, you want a guy who is just a natural lover, not a guy you have to TELL what you want him to do. You’ll have to fight through that. This is what people mean when they say, “WORKING on your marriage”.
 
You’ll also have to cater to his masculine side when coming up with ideas for sexing things up. Consider watching porn together. Going to strip clubs. Role-playing. Sending him dirty photos and videos of yourself. There are lots of simple ways you can push his buttons. This is all assuming he’s a healthy adult male and his hormones are in check, of course.
 
So, in review:
 
1. Figure out the kids things first and foremost. You don’t want them at all, or you don’t want them with him?
2. You will have to be blunt and be the sexual leader. Watch how he responds.
 
Good luck!
 
DSO

“Dear DSO: Women today are f*cking disgusting”

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO,

I’ve been divorced for about two and half years. My wife left me after her second affair. Those are the only two affairs I know about, but there were probably more than that. We had no kids thank God. Our marriage lasted about four years. I started dating before our divorce was final. I counted and I have been on dates with 28 different women. All but three of them were from Match.com. 

 

If I’m being honest, I am looking for my next wife. I’m definitely what you like to call a “provider” and I like the idea of going though life with a woman and being there for her. I am looking for the love of my life. I know she’s out there, but I’m starting to lose hope that I will be able to find her. There’s just too much trash women out there. Women today are fucking disgusting. They’re just looking for bad boys and assholes that they can have sex with no strings attached. They think it’s a good thing to act slutty and sleep with multiple guys at the same time. My problem is that if I have sex with women, which is way too easy, I get attached to them right away. I fall in love and start acting like a boyfriend. That’s when they usually ghost me and run away. I’ve had a few women tell me right to my face that I’m way too nice and way too attached. They tell me they just want fun and no long-term relationship.

 

I had ONE woman that I really hit it off online with. She was very sweet and we both talked about how we were tired of assholes looking for just sex and no commitment. She was very pretty in her pictures. Then I met her… and she was about 50 lbs heavier than her photos. Then she told me she had not one but TWO fucking kids.  She never mentioned kids. Then I realized that I was seeing A LOT of red flags and this woman was just looking for a provider guy to take care of her and her kids. I bailed on her. She texted me and called me every name in the book and said I’m an asshole like every other guy out there. It made me feel terrible. Maybe I’m starting to become just like the girls I hate dating.

 

I’m so tired of the whole thing. It’s dumb. Was I really wrong about relationships? Is marriage dead? You married again… how did you find your wife?

 

Jason

Jason,

There’s a lot going on here. It’s not a simple situation you find yourself in, but it is a common one.  Let’s break it down…

Women looking for sex but not commitment  —  Yep, times are a changin’, as they say. The sexual and economic landscape has gone through a pretty major shift. Good guys like you feel that finding a good-looking and decent woman looking for a good man to commit to should be a simple thing. You’re looking at the dating world through old-fashioned, male-centric glasses. Right now, the dating world is a woman’s market. 

When you strip away the economic factors (women looking for men to pay for their way through life) you’re left with a large group of the female dating pool that thinks that “settling” for a Provider is fruitless. Why would she devote herself to a man she has no sexual desire for if she doesn’t NEED his cash and resources? Why would she do that when her dating pool is so abundant? In their mind, they have the looks and personality necessary to allow them to pick from the cream of the crop. They want the Super Lover with the heart of gold, and they will go through a laundry list of Lovers to find him. In their mind, they have all the time in the world.

The irony is that a lot of men honestly feel that they fit the bill of, “Super Lover With a Heart of Gold” (SLWAHOG). The harsh reality is that the men deemed “relationship-worthy” account for MAYBE 20% of the dating pool. The remaining 80%? You’d be lucky to play the part of human dildo for one evening. 

It’s a buyer’s market right now… and the women are the buyers. You’re selling a product that your ideal buyer is not interested in. It’s really that simple.

Is there a magic formula to find Mrs. Right? Yep:

  1. Forget about finding Mrs. Right. If you are actively looking for her, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
  2. Just have fun.
  3. Loosen up. Stop being so dramatic. You don’t have to date and you don’t have to commit. You can focus on other things in life.

Big picture question for you: Why are you so damn caught up on the idea of finding a wife? Maybe you should dig into what it is in your past that is bubbling up now and causing you to feel like you NEED a wife so badly. Why can’t you be happy with friends, hobbies, activities and the occasional girl for a casual relationship and fun? Remember, you want a relationship with a woman to be an ancillary to your life… not the entire meaning to life. 

I can feel your neediness just from your email. It’s a giant turnoff. Women typically don’t want to feel NEEDED by a man. They want to WANT you. Yes, it’s all a stupid little game of cat and mouse… but welcome to the mating game. You have to play by the rules or you’ll turn into roadkill. You’re pushing forward your Provider traits. The only fish you’re going to catch are 50 lb overweight women with kids and a shrinking bank account… or decent-looking women that are getting up there in age and want to “settle down” and have kids. If that sounds appealing to you, that’s great… but please realize that these women won’t be interested in YOU as much as they are reacting to their biological shortcomings. They are running out of time to breed and start a family. Those are the women that later pop out a couple of kids and then get caught banging the landscaping guy because “something was missing” from their life.

Take a break from women for a while. You married a woman and she quickly cheated on you (multiple times). Maybe it’s time you stopped and talked to somebody to figure out WHY that happened to you and WHY you seem so eager to relive that experience. Good luck!

Recommended Reading

Book Review: “Untrue” by Wednesday Martin

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

I have just recently finished the book, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free” by Wednesday Martin. For a guy like me who has written on female sexuality (and how it pertains to relationship, marriage and infidelity), this is not what I would call a major eye-opener of a book. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say that I agree with most of what Ms. Martin says. There’s nothing really ground-breaking here for me or for most of my readers. We’re not her target audience, after all.

What IS interesting to me is that she has unknowingly written what may be the most intensely anti-marriage mainstream book  I’ve read in quite some time. It’s well-written. It’s smart. It’s funny. Yes, she approaches her subject from an unabashedly feminist perspective, using history and evolutionary psychology to build her case, but the conclusions are the same as your typical angry 20-something guy ranting about women on Reddit:

  • Women are not anywhere near as chaste and pure as you think they are. They cheat. A lot. Hell, your grandma probably cheated.
  • Women are every bit as sexual as men. Just because men have higher levels of testosterone doesn’t mean women don’t get crazy horny if the circumstances are right. In fact, women are turned on by WAY more than what men are. Their sexuality is extremely fluid. They’re made for sex.
  • Women are just not turned on by traditional monogamy. They want fun and excitement. This is why women are the ones predominantly pushing for open marriages and polyamory. They need the extra oomph to get them going. Marriage and kids turns off their sexual machine.
  • It’s by no means unusual for a woman to get her sexual needs met by one man (her Lover) and her comfort and financial resources from another (her Provider).

What I think Martin fails to appreciate is how much of a “holy shit” this is for one particular (and important) section of our population: Monogamous men that are looking to settle down with one woman for the rest of their lives.

I can just picture some normal guy with a good job, healthy 401k and a girlfriend of three years he’s about to propose to. He’s aimlessly walking through the book store and sees a copy of this book prominently displayed along with other seedy “sex” and “relationship” books. He picks it up, takes a look… reads a few pages… and mindlessly takes it over to the coffee shop area. A few chapters and one large cappucino later, and he’s angrily texting his girlfriend. “We need to talk.”

On a big picture scale, what may be seen as an understandably “empowering” and freeing” sexual manifesto for many women will be used by a GIANT chunk of our society (men) as a handy excuse to completely bail out of the monogamy industry. In other words, the more the “secret” gets out, the more men may very well opt out of the whole monogamous marriage process.

Men WANT the dream of the woman who has eyes only for him and who will be devoted to him no matter what life throws their way. Most men can’t even CONCEIVE of their married life in any other way. It’s a dream that many of us men have been spoon fed since the day we first noticed girls. We’ve been told out whole lives what marriage was SUPPOSED to be… and books like this are telling us that we were lied to? Okay… then we don’t want to participate in this game anymore” many men are saying.

Instead, men will live comfortably in their shitty little apartments, with their shitty but comfortable jobs, a steady but not exciting paycheck, their modest 401k savings, their video games, little social interaction, and way too much porn. Other than the pickup truck in the driveway, their vasectomy will be the only other major life expense. They don’t want to have a major “oops” and ruin all the good stuff they have going on!

Obviously, this would have dramatic repercussions for the economy and for state of the Western family. Economists are already freaking out about dropping fertility rates and subsequent lack of spending. We have real-world examples of how this dynamic plays out with the current situation in Japan and their “Herbivore Men”. It’s not pretty.

Make no mistake about it, the “monogamous married couple with 2.5 kids” model is an industry. It drives our consumption economy. From the expensive wedding, to the expensive honeymoon, the way-too-big house, the pointless SUV, the hybrid sedan, the namebrand baby items, the namebrand clothes, the expensive vacations, the expensive divorces… it’s a giant machine that is the hub of a very big economic wheel. A viral change in mindset can shut the machine down a little at a time.

FACT: Women drive 84% of all consumer spending in the U.S. That’s $7 trillion dollars of spending annually. Trillion. With a T. 

Good, quality men have always been on the edge of opting out of the marriage industry… and things like Untrue are all it may take to push them right over the edge into eternal bachelorhood.  What was once a goal to strive for (marriage and raising kids) is now a giant life-ruining accident they want to avoid, all because their vision of what a relationship is supposed to be has been upturned. Marriage is now seen as a huge fun-killer for the other half of the population. As Wednesday Martin says in the title of the book: “… How the New Science Can Set Us Free”. Set women free from what? Monogamy? I think if your wise old grandma were here, she would tell you, “Honey, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.”

According to Martin and “Untrue”,   it’s time the rest of society get with the program and recognize women’s sexual autonomy and change the game to accomodate their needs. We’ll all be better off for it.

Martin’s book and the subject matter is not considered “mainstream” just yet. She’s not a household name. The subject is still considered a “fringe” topic by many, but it’s one that is gaining a lot of ground in a hurry. It seems like everyone has a buddy whose wife just suggested an open marriage, or a wife who got caught sexting a guy from work, or a wife who simply walked away from the husband and kids to be with the sexy loser.  It happens.

The question is… okay, now what?  If what Martin says is correct… what do YOU do about it?

“Dear DSO, What’s up with you and open marriages?”

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear D.S.O.,

I’ve been following you on Facebook and have read all of your posts on the website. I think what you’re doing is great and means a lot to guys like me. There’s one thing I don’t understand, and that’s why you seem to be so hung-up on open marriages. I have a friend that’s in an open marriage and they seem to get along great. My ex-wife and I were in a sexless marriage for years and I suggested to her that we think about opening our marriage. She didn’t agree with it, so we didn’t do it (it turns out the reason we weren’t having sex was because she was cheating on me for three years). I totally get why some people may want to explore that kind of marriage. If it works for them, what’s the big deal?

– Steve

Dear Steve,

I will be the first to say that anyone and everyone should be able to do whatever they please in the confines of their own bedroom. If it has no effect on me and my life and doesn’t hurt society in general, what do I care? Let your freak flag fly! I personally know people who are swingers and they seem to have excellent marriages. I truly do not care and don’t think it’s my business to preach what is what and what isn’t right for their sex life.

BUT… please understand the specific phenomenon that I am discussing in my posts. I’m looking out for men. My readers. Guys who have been hurt in relationships to toxic women and are starting over in life. This current phenomenon of “open marriage” isn’t about two people mutually talking things through and deciding that having sex with others would be a fun and good experience for their marriage. The phenomenon I’m talking about is a one-sided epiphany by bored wives who (understandably) want a little extra oomph in their life. Nine times out of ten, it’s actually a wife who has feelings for somebody outside of their marriage and they’re looking for a safe excuse to start an affair.

Thanks to the current social climate, the trend is for married women to treat their sexuality like a toddler that has just discovered a gun under dad’s bed. They have no concept of safety. It’s up to society to say, “No… you’re married, Susan. Put the gun down. It could be loaded. Quit waving it around like a madwoman. Put it back where you found it.” Instead, we have a media that seems hell bent on telling Susan to pick up the gun, put a bullet in the cylinder, turn the safety off, point it at her head and pull the trigger. Hey, she may survive and it will be thrilling!

To tell her to put the gun down and walk away would be tantamount to treating her like a toddler. That hurts feelings. That is mysoginistic. Bad husband.

In short… it’s a one-sided, manipulative, short-sighted, hedonistic and unrealistic ploy for women to have their cake and eat it too. She wants the comfort and familiarity of the Provider while testing the waters with a new Lover. I’ve personally never seen it work in the long-term. It usually ends with the woman becoming bonded to her new Lover and detaching from her Provider husband. Much like the reader who commented on the original post I made. 

“One day she came home just like you say. Crying. She fell in love. She couldn’t help it. So… that means we can’t still be married? Isn’t this an open marriage? No, because he doesn’t believe in open marriages. So she needed to divorce and be with him.”

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