Dissecting Dead Bedrooms

My own personal experience and that of thousands of other men who have been married and/or dated will tell you the same thing:

If your woman is crazy about you, you will know it. She will leave zero doubt. She will shower you with praise. She will have her hands all over you. She will buy you gifts. She will feel very jealous at times. She will submit to you, sexually. She will be very adventuresome in bed. She will open herself to you mentally and physically.  She will feel completely comfortable and safe with you.

So, for all of you guys in long-term relationships or marriages that don’t see any of the above… well, bad news my man.

She just isn’t that into you. 

Why is that? Why are there communities of men online talking about their “dead bedrooms“? As with most problems in relationships, it’s your fault, dude. Yep. You.

No, this isn’t some post saying “Women good. Men bad!” This is real life. YOU are the driver of both yourself AND your relationship. You say what goes for both. It’s called being a leader. You want your woman to be crazy about you again? Then do something about it. No amount of begging, pick-me dancing, whining, flowers, house-cleaning, diaper-changing or other horse shit will get her in bed with you. She needs to WANT YOU again. She WANTS to want you again.

But, DSO! My wife is worked to death! She’s tired! The kids wear her butt out! At the end of the day she just wants to lay down and watch some TV or read a good book. I totally get that! I feel that way too, a lot of the time!

This is 100% absolutely perfectly understandable. Life is tough. It wears on you. Work. Kids. Bills. Stress stress stress. It takes a certain mindset to get a woman in the mood for intimacy… And those are some pretty big obstacles that get in the way. But, here’s the thing:

The energy is in there. Trust me. It just needs to get pulled out.

Many husbands/boyfriends out there are noticing or have learned two things about their completely exhausted, stressed-out female partners:

  1. These women sure are obsessed with porn. Yeah, those “romance” novels she reads? The photo shoot with that hunky pop star her friend posted about on Facebook and your wife liked and commented on? That’s porn. Woman porn. Ever read Fifty Shades of Grey?  Synopsis: Dominate, sociopath rich man picks out shy, homely woman for crazy bondage sex. Women all over the globe at that up. They made a movie of it. Women went to the cinema in DROVES to watch it. Gajillions of dollars were spent.
  2. She’s talking about other men. At work. At the gym. At the playground. At the soccer field. She’ll talk about their butts. Their pecs. Their tight stomachs. She’ll talk to her friends about them. She’ll talk about celebrities on TV. Athletes. Her favorite country singer in tight pants. Maybe even in front of you. Probably in front of you. Wow, for an exhausted mom… she sure does have her eyes constantly open and taking in all that hot sex on display, doesn’t she? Interesting. Yes, it’s mostly harmless and fun and EVERY mom does it, right?!

SIMPLE RULE: If your woman is crazy in love with you and turned on by you, she has no need openly partake in poorly-written woman porn or sharing pictures of some soccer dude’s abs and butt on Facebook. She looks at those as silly and brags about YOU instead. Oh, and she’ll want to bang you. You won’t need to Google things like “Wife won’t have sex with me“. Crazy, I know.

Alright, so maybe you’re coming to terms with the fact that your wife isn’t so crazy about you anymore. So what?! Maybe she never was. What’s the worst that could happen, right? You already have kids, a house, jobs, etc. Life is already set in stone. This is just how marriage IS, right!? Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that sex isn’t THAT important to your well being as a man.

Stop kidding yourself. Is that why you find yourself looking at porn on a daily basis? So much so that double-anal-double-vaginal fisting bukake amputee porn is the only thing that gets you mildly erect. You can’t walk outside of the house without looking at and drooling over every female of legal age. Your fantasy world exceeds your reality in every way imaginable. But hey… every other married guy is the same, right?

Wrong. It doesn’t have to be that way. A robust and healthy sex life is NOT out of the question for married people. Not at all. Ironically it’s usually the WIFE who is the first to come to this realization. That’s right, your woman isn’t happy about the lack of sizzle in your marriage, either.

She wants more. She wants better.

She wants to be picked up, thrown on the bed, man-handled and turned into a sex slave. She wants to drive out to the middle of nowhere at 2:00am, be dragged out and thrown on the hood of the car by a man who rips her panties off in a lustful rage. She wants a guy who is not afraid to say what he wants in bed in the most direct way. She absolutely LOVES dirty talk.


She’s just not that into you, dude. Sorry. She may not have ever been.

Many of us dense men don’t come to this realization until we catch our wives in an affair. Here’s a very common phrase out of the mouth of a betrayed man who endured a dead bedroom for years:

“She did THAT with HIM?!?! She never would do THAT with ME! What the hell!?” 

Yep, that super exhausted partner of yours managed to dig deep down inside and find enough sexual energy to power all of Eastern Europe.

“Wonderful. Now what?!”

So, you’re like a lot of guys and you’re nodding your head right now. This “dead bedroom” phenomenon sounds way too familiar and way too depressing. What to do?! Well, a common refrain is “couples counseling!” Get in an office with a professional and freely communicate. Get things out in the open. Yeah, it makes sense on the surface. Communication is a huge thing in any personal relationship. But, ask yourself this:

Will openly talking and pussy-footing around the main issue (her lack of attraction towards you) REALLY get her libido going? Will that ignite her dormant fire?

This has never been said, ever:

“Oh my gosh, honey! You know what? Now that I hear you tell me bluntly that you need more intimacy… I am suddenly all turned on!! WOW I had no idea sex was so important to you! NOW I AM ALL KINDS OF HORNY!! Let’s get home and do this!!”

It’s a fantasy that has never panned out.

FACT: You can’t negotiate attraction. It’s there, or it isn’t. No amount of talking it out will pull it out of her.




What is going on? Is the tried-and-true stereotype of the undersexed husband and the cold, bossy wife inevitable? Are monogamous relationships doomed to such a pitiful state? Is that just the way marriage is?


To make a long story short, several years ago I was married for 15 years, discovered infidelity, quickly divorced and found myself newly single and sharing custody of three little kids. I then started a website at www.dadstartingover.com. After chatting with many men in my situation , I slowly started to notice patterns of behavior. Most men experienced long “Dead Bedroom” periods in their relationship prior to their divorce. Many of these men later discovered infidelity.

I wrote about my thoughts on Dead Bedrooms on my website and it is by far the most popular topic to date. It has outranked all other topics combined. Then I started a podcast and recorded a few episodes. The Dead Bedrooms episode was the most downloaded.

Simply put, nobody seems to know what to do to keep the fire going in their longterm relationship. Most of us experience a “honeymoon phase” of intimacy, and then watch it quickly fade as the stress of life and the boredom of familiarity settle in.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I don’t claim to have all the answers for a happy married sex life. What I do know is that my own experience and the experience of hundreds of other men have helped to create a prescription for what I feel is the only true, honest, no bullshit way to get your wife jumping your bones again.

I have finally put that prescription down on paper, and I call it The Dead Bedroom Fix.

Seven Signs That Your Wife is Cheating

As I outlined in “My Wife Wouldn’t Do That” , there is a phenomenon of emasculated men that just CANNOT believe their wife would be capable of doing awful things like committing infidelity. Even when presented with ongoing warning signs and conclusive evidence, they deny and rationalize any odd behavior from their wife.

These warning signs are so damn common that every man early in life should be handed a pamphlet titled, “WARNING: SIGNS OF A CHEATING WIFE”.  The more we teach our sons these observational skills, the more likely they are to keep their girlfriends and wives off the proverbial pedestal and treat them with the same cautious optimism they give to every other human in their life.

Why are men so blind to the obvious?

We think like MEN. We have a hard time thinking like women. It’s an entire perspective on life that we don’t really have a very good grasp of. When we think of cheating, we think of it as a guy.

As guys, we are programmed to be polygamous. We physically want lots of different women (See: pornography, strip clubs, creepily staring at women, etc.). When us good guys are happy and comfortable in a relationship (especially after having kids), we may not be able to completely turn OFF that urge for other women, but we can set it aside and prop up the other needs in our life. We turn the “raging horny sex machine” dial down to a 4 and turn up the “nice guy dad” dial all the way up to a 10.

For most of us, NOT getting lots of different women in bed is not an intense struggle that we must battle with on a daily basis. It’s not a huge deal. If we are doing our job right as a husband, we’re getting plenty of intimacy from our wife. Still not enough? Well… that’s why we have all those outlets for our male libido.

So, when we good guys think of cheating… we frame it from our perspective: cheating is a result of the strong biological urge that we, as good guys, are able to temper and fulfill in other ways. From our years with our wife, it is safe to say that our own libido easily outpaces hers. Since we are able to fight such an admittedly strong urge, surely she can fight an urge that seemed to go dormant for weeks or months or years at a time.

Her affair is not so simple.

What men fail to realize is that the wife’s affair is not just a matter of, “I’m tired of the same penis and need something new”. It’s not something that could have been resolved with Pornhub, a little privacy and five minutes during a lunch break.

Her affair is a huge life-changing event that not only calls into question all aspects of her personal relationship with you but also her overall purpose as a woman on this planet. The affair will elicit extreme waves of emotion that we, as men, can’t conceive of. It’s an existential crisis of gargantuan proportions.

As a result, she will absolutely morph into a new human being right before your eyes.

This isn’t just your wife going out and getting a piece on the side. This affair was the result of a little chink in your wife’s armor (lack of boundaries) that eventually resulted in physical bonding with another man. That, in turn, caused a tidal wave of changes in her entire being. Nature took over at that point.

This person isn’t your wife at all anymore. Your wife died the moment she had sexual relations with another man. Saying she went through a metamorphosis is not strong enough language. You now have a stranger living with you.

Since you now have this strange person sitting in your living room, you start noticing all new behaviors. It’s kind of like when you first make a new friend and start hanging out with them for long periods of time. All of their unique flaws, habits, and eccentricities take center stage.

Your spouse’s new role as “adulterous wife” brings with it a whole new set of predictable behavior.

We know what she’s going to do… because they all do it! She’s not special. She’s a cheating wife.

Before we get started with the list…

One thing that I have to mention: Many adulterous wives begin cheating after some kind of stressful, life-altering event has taken place. This could be something as serious as a miscarriage, death of a parent, or major health scare…  or something as innocuous as a job promotion. That life event was enough to flip a switch in her brain and cause the boundaries to collapse and allow in one (or more) of the multitudes of men ready and willing to take her to bed.

So, if any of the below sound familiar to you AND you just endured some type of life-changing event, then it’s time to be worried.

1. She Spends More Time Away From You and the Family

While I contend that the wife you know and love has “died”, there is still a small part of the old her lurking in there somewhere… under a giant pile of all those new feelings she now has overwhelming her psyche. Every time she sets foot in the house, looks at you, hugs your kid, pets the dog… that little piece of the old her that is buried so deep starts to squirm a little. This is extremely unsettling for her. How can she best deal with this? She needs to get away from the family and everything associated with the old her as much as possible. She may “walk away” completely, but you typically see more time at the “gym” or “work” or the typical “girls night out” with friends.

When she’s away from the family unit and with her new man, that completely silences the old her that is buried so deep. This feels beyond amazing. Heroin and alcohol have nothing on this feeling. She will do whatever she can to keep it up. She can’t do that when you’re right in her face.

What if she can’t physically get away? Well, then she will mentally withdraw. She will spend way more time on her phone. Social media, text messaging, etc… They all give her the validation and attention she needs to not only escape from the real world but to also confirm that what she is doing is the right thing. Every little change she makes to herself will be documented and shared online. The response will be overwhelmingly positive. “You go, girl!”

2. She Suddenly Looks and Acts Younger

When the wife is having an affair, she is in the early stages of the mating game. She is restarting the clock and going back into “secure new mate” mode. That means projecting the most attractive version of herself possible. This will involve weight loss and probably dressing younger and more provocatively. She’s simply trying to impress the new man and get him to settle down with her and only her. It’s biological. All women do this early on in relationships when they deem their man worthy. They look their best, act younger and are more sexual.

What you’re witnessing is what your wife did with you early in your own relationship (hopefully). You just forgot what it looked like.

3. Random Thoughts Leaking Out of her Brain

Cheating women have a hard time keeping their secrets to themselves. Whether it’s due to a subconscious desire to spill the beans or the love-chemicals fogging their brain, they just can’t keep the cat in the bag for very long. If your ears are finely tuned to picking up the signals, you can hear some tell-tale phrases or questions that should have you concerned. Usually, they come at the most random moments with little to no context.

“I would never have an open relationship. Would you?”

“Tina at work is having an affair.”

“If you were to ever cheat on me, I would chop off your balls.”

Who are you texting? What are you talking about?”

“Why did you come home from work late? You usually get home 10 minutes earlier.”

“I bet you wish you could have other women. You’ve probably cheated on me in the past… like when I was fat and pregnant.”

“Have you heard about being Polyamorous?”

The cheating wife’s Tourrettes-like outbursts are sometimes a form of projection.  She doesn’t realize that you’re not in her brain hearing her thoughts, so when she randomly says “I would never have an open relationship” while you’re at your son’s soccer practice, she’s letting some the cognitive dissonance steam out of the pressure cooker in her head.  It’s kind of like the woman who declares on the first date, “We’re not having sex tonight! Just so you know!” as you are buying popcorn at the movies. You were just thinking about whether or not to also get M&M’s, and she’s thinking about you two having sex. This means you will most likely have sex with her that night.

4. She is Suddenly More Sexual and Experimental

The cold and frigid wife who used to cringe when talking about oral sex is now suddenly wearing crotchless underwear and asks you if you’d like try anal sex.

WOW!” most men say. “My wife finally got turned on! This is great!”

No, your wife misses her new man and is going to play pretend with you. You’re essentially a sex toy. She will shut her eyes and imagine that it’s him doing those things to her. At the same time, she’s also trying new things out on you before doing them with her new man.  She may even say something obvious like, “What does my butt look like from THIS angle? Not too fat?” or “Do you like it when I do THIS or THIS better?” or “Should I shave completely or leave some of it?”

For betrayed men, this is a very brutal time. They were sure that these moments represented true lust and attraction from their wife (towards them)… when in fact it was just the opposite.

5. She Needs Space

I’m reminded of the story of the soldier who is off to war in Iraq, burning up in a tent in the middle of the desert. He gets the typical “Dear John” letter from his woman back home. “I need space, she says. “Space? I’m thousands of miles away in Iraq! How much more space does she need?!” he screams.

“I need space” = You are no longer a couple. The emotional and physical jump from you to the new man is most likely complete.

She now feels comfortable enough to completely detach from you and attach to her new mate. She no longer needs the home base to return back to. She was testing things out for a while, feeling the emotions, figuring out the logistics of living on her own… and finally made the giant leap. By this stage, she has already opened a new bank account, got the tattoo, called up the cosmetic surgeon, met with the attorney and discussed the big life move with her friends.

You will most likely be completely oblivious to all this until it is too late.

6. She Rewrites History

While she is in the process of detaching from you, one thought is paramount: “What will everyone think of me?” Her social status is of the utmost importance. She can’t simply tell friends, “Oh, I left him because I fell for another dude that I think is way better.” No, she needs to come up with reasons that nobody can argue with.

“He peed on the toilet sometimes” and “He wasn’t good at doing laundry” or “He was just too nice and boring” aren’t enough to warrant the breakup of a family, so… it’s time to make up some stuff! Whatever it takes to make her the victim and justified in her actions, even if that means completely making up stories with no basis in truth, she will do it. Sometimes those stories can send a man to a police station for questioning, or worse.

That may mean saying these made up stories right to your face. Let that sink in. She will make up stories about your relationship… to you. The guy she had the relationship with.

If she can lie directly to YOUR face, just think what she is saying to others behind your back.

I shared the time that my ex said to me, You never support me in anything I do! You made me take this job!” after I told her that maybe she was leaving me alone with the kids and going out with friends too often. I was completely shocked. It made zero sense at the time. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s much easier to leave a tyrant than to leave a nice guy. Not a tyrant? She’ll just pretend that you are! That’ll do the trick.

7. She Lies About Everything.

With such an intense life-altering experience comes a very foggy mind that just can’t keep straight what is reality and what is a lie. She’s filled with anxiety, joy, lustfulness, sadness, depression… all these ingredients that make up the uniquely awful thing that is the mind of the wayward wife. Considering the turmoil in her brain, it’s no wonder that every little word coming out of her mouth must be scrutinized. “Believe what she does, not what she says” people will often tell you. So true.

More succinctly: She’s an addict. Addicts are liars.

Even the most mundane and innocent details of her life will not add up. It’s almost as if she’s thinking, “It’s so tough to keep straight all these things in my head, I might as well default to lying. It’s just so much easier… and safer.”

Let’s say you asked her if she stopped and bought milk on the way home. If she says yes, you immediately run to the store to pick up a gallon or your kids won’t have cereal in the morning. “Did you pay the utility bill?” “Yep!” she says. You better check to make sure it’s paid or your lights will get turned off.

“I don’t get it. Why did she lie about THAT?” – Every man with a cheating wife.

Don’t try to make sense of it all. Just realize that all of these things are typical cheating wife behaviors. They all point to a clouded mind, intense emotions and physical/mental metamorphosis. This is usually very bad news for you.


Romance killers come in many forms.

  • One or both of you gets out of shape.
  • Husband becomes a more agreeable pushover (more feminine).
  • Wife becomes a more disagreeable tyrant (more masculine).
  • Illness
  • Stress

One that everyone seems to overlook is, from my experience, one of the biggest stressors of all:


There’s no doubt about it: Having kids is one of the most potent and virile romance killers on the planet. Unlike getting fat, losing your job, getting sick and becoming a giant pushover… everyone EXPECTS and PROMOTES the idea of having kids. After all, we have to keep the species going. That’s what all that awesome sex is for. It feels great and is really fun and exciting, but there’s a bigger reason our brains give us the urge to do it often: TO MAKE MORE GOD DAMN KIDS.

Your instinctual urge to procreate and look after the well-being of a little human is in direct contradiction to your urge to keep a sexual relationship going. The two don’t work in tandem, they work against each other.

Being a parent is the antithesis of being a sexual being. Being a parent is being a super Provider, not a Lover.

A romantic partnership is about playing a role. Early on in the relationship, while childless, much of your role revolves around the pleasure of your partner (doing things they find attractive). Each person performs tasks out of the “be the sexiest man/woman possible” playbook (at least those of us in healthy relationships). Men keep in shape, drive a nice car, act aggressive, confident and outgoing.  Women are more agreeable, feminine, pretty and sensual.  Much sex is had in this phase.

Then comfort and familiarity hit. This can take some of the oomph out of your sex life.  Many people let the sex slip at this point, but with a just little effort it can be as strong as ever.

Then… the new little kid arrives. Everything changes. A powerful switch is flipped.


Husband says, “I could go to the gym.. but I’m fucking exhausted. I had to get up at 3:00am to feed the little shit and then get up at 6:00 and drive to work to give a presentation at 8:00. Then I had to drive an hour to a meeting… then back to the office and then home. Now I have to check 30 work emails and make dinner while my wife feeds the baby . I actually fell asleep while standing up and doing dishes the other day. Fuck it. We’re having McDonalds.” Husband makes these excuses 365 days in a row… and next thing he knows he is 30 lbs heavier. One year of zero exercise and shitty sleeping habits will do that to you.

Wife says, “I could do that Hot Yoga class I always used to go to… but I’m dead tired, I feel fat, my boobs are killing me and I’m still sore from the delivery 3 weeks ago.” Wife makes excuses for the next 12 weeks, then she goes back to work and baby goes to daycare. Her stress and guilt are off the charts. She’s depressed. The bad health habits have set in. Yoga is a distant memory. She hasn’t lost the 40 lbs she gained during pregnancy. She hates herself. Everyone lets her know that it’s perfectly ok to feel this way. It doesn’t help.

The wife’s sense of self is crumbling. Is she a sexual being anymore? Is she even a WOMAN? Is she just a producer and sustainer of life now? A caregiver? She once used to turn heads on the street with her slim body and sexy little summer dresses. Now she feels like a fat, milk-producing cow with cankles, stringy hair and cracked nipples. She’d rather not get out of the house if she can help it, let alone wear a sundress again. Lack of exercise, poor diet, and mind-altering hormonal changes pushes her anxiety through the roof.

She doesn’t hesitate to send husband out to the store to get the things they need. One less thing for her to stress over. He dutifully obeys.

Husband would like to tell his wife to get off her fat ass and got get the tampons and nipple cream herself, but she is now “Mother to his child”, and is therefore on the highest of pedestals. Her value in the home is beyond measure. Popular culture tells him to swallow his pride and help out the family unit wherever he can.  Mom wants nipple cream… you say, “Yes Ma’am” and jump to attention. Your role is now that as a provider of life to a little human. Get used to it, DAD.

Besides, the husband is no catch himself. Look at him. What does he have to bitch about? He’s lucky to be in the position he is in. You have a home, wife and a healthy baby. Shut the fuck up.

SEX? Forget it. To be sexual again requires that his wife enter a headspace that she can’t even conceive of. The delicate souffle of the woman’s libido requires that everything be juuuuuust right to function. The ingredients for the sexy recipe went right in the trash can when baby came in the world. Forget the souffle. All that’s left are week-old cheese doodles and a bottle half full of spoiled breast milk.

Husband eventually realizes he needs sex. His porn habit is getting out of hand. He has needs beyond that of the visual stimuli the internet provides. Actual human touch and emotion would be nice. He approaches the wife and asks for intimacy. Wife literally laughs in his face. Does he not realize what she’s had to do over the past X months? How the hell does he think talking about sex RIGHT NOW is a good idea?!?! Just shut up and go get the diapers out of the car.

The husband is shamed for his sexuality. He feels like an ass. Pornography eventually becomes a full-fledged addiction. Having sex with his wife may not even be possible at this point.

After a while, the couple may have a “Date night”. This is probably initiated by a grandparent or somebody close to them who has been watching their misery. “You guys should go out together sometime. Just the two of you. I can watch the baby. You need some time off.”

Date night consists of going to the nearest restaurant and eating entirely too much food. The wife complains about her body and is embarrassed about her leaking breasts that she tries covering up with her sweater. Meanwhile, husband checks his fantasy football stats on his phone and repeatedly says “Uh huh” without hearing a word his wife is saying. He learned to tune her complaining out months ago.

The food is good. They each get a giant dessert. Sweets used to be forbidden back in their attractive young gym and yoga days, but now that huge piece of lava chocolate super duper heart attack cake is seen as a welcome and necessary vice. It’s quick and easy way to escape their otherwise blah existence.

Then the wife’s phone rings and they both panic. Is it the baby?!! Is something wrong!!? OMG… It’s the sitter! Shew… she just wants to know where we put the extra diapers. Good. Ok. Nothing to freak out about. Crisis averted. Back to the date.

Husband suggests a movie. Wife says no. What if they have to leave early because of the baby? Then they would waste money and leave in the middle of a movie, and that always sucks. “How about a drink next door?” husband says. “Well, we could… but then I’d have to pump and dump my milk tonight, and I really don’t feel like it. I’d rather just go home and get right to bed.”

They really have nothing left on their date night itinerary, so they decide to head home. Date night over.

First they stop at the grocery store for more baby stuff. Husband happily points out that they have strawberry-flavored sex lube on sale in the pharmacy area. Wife says he’s a pervert and should get his head out of the gutter and go find baby butt cream. Husband pouts. They don’t talk the rest of the drive home.

Sound familiar? Does it HAVE to be this way? Of course not. There were many possible course corrections along the way during their journey to becoming terribly boring parents, and our typical couple didn’t take advantage of any of them.

Most people don’t. Most people succumb to the exhaustion, stress and life-questioning changes the baby brings and just… let go. They let the tidal wave of parentdom wash them away. The next 20 years go by in the blink of an eye. Both secretly hold on to the hope that the other doesn’t “wake up” and they can continue the parade of mutual awfulness.

Married people don’t fuck as often as non-married couples.  Comfort cripples libido.

Parents REALLY don’t fuck as often as non-married couples. Comfort and then exhaustion and dramatic life role changes… all kill the libido.

Kids can easily become the biggest obstacle to marital happiness.

If you don’t actively try to make course corrections along the way, you’ll soon be in the majority of married couples. Miserable. Sexless.

My advice to everyone thinking of having kids is to PLAN. Plan and decide on exactly HOW you will stay intertwined as a couple. Plan for extensive childcare and household help. Plan weekends (or more) away for just the two of you. Plan ahead for how to deal with the emotions that want to keep you bonded with the child and drive you away from each other and towards dead bedroom behavior. Act as a team and prepare for the inevitable and how exactly you will deal with it.

Have a lot of money saved up for extensive leave from work. “Waaaaah! People in Europe have it so much better! They get to take a year off of work for maternity leave and still get paid! Waaaaah!” Yep, that does sound like a very good, sensible and positive thing to do for families and society in general. I agree it sounds better than the situation most of us have here in the States. But, we don’t have that luxury. That will not change tomorrow. As far as your employer is concerned, having a kid was your decision. They have a business to run. Take care of your shit and they will take care of theirs.

You should save your money and adjust your expenses so that you can pay for an extended time away from work. It’s the best thing for the child. It’s the best thing for your marriage. Period. Can’t afford it? Don’t have kids.

Having a kid is a giant financial and logistical undertaking. Treat it that way. DO NOT treat having a child as just some natural beautiful process that you should just let happen and let God take care of the details. That is a guaranteed recipe for disaster.

I think it’s fair to say that people typically put more thought into buying a car than they do having a child.

Do it right, or don’t do it at all. You’re bringing a human being into the world. You’re potentially throwing a grenade into the marriage and hoping that it doesn’t go off. Limit the damage early on. PLAN PLAN PLAN.

And for YOU, mister man looking to improve himself… DON’T YOU DARE TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE FUCKING GAS.

Your entire FAMILY now depends on you to keep your head in the game and remain the strong oak of a leader. If you fold, the whole machine breaks down. You will naturally want to err on the side of amplifying your Provider qualities while downplaying your Lover qualities. Don’t. Amplify Provider… and amplify Lover even more.

Being a dad is being a man on hard mode. You naturally want to do your own thing. You want to get away. You want to improve yourself and work on your mission. DO IT. ALL OF IT. “But… I have a kid now… I have no time.”  MAKE TIME. “But, my wife says I don’t help out enough and I need to stay home more.” SHUT UP. HELP OUT, BUT, TAKE CARE OF YOU, TOO. She’ll be fine.

“But, the kids…” is the most potent and debilitating excuse a man can make. It’s weakness wrapped in a warm blanket of providership and societal expectation. It’s wanting “do the right thing” combined with “I guess I should make more sacrifices now”.

The new parental role can kill your masculinity faster than you can say “Soy latte”.

Or it can strengthen you.

Want to see what kind of man you really are? What to see what your relationship is made of? Have a kid… or two… or three. It’s the absolute ultimate test.

The end result of the ultimate test is either a happy wife by your side as you watch your kids grow older and turn into wonderful and unique human beings, or you living in one bedroom apartment crossing the days off the calendar as you eagerly wait to see the kids for “your weekend”.

Don’t fuck it up.