Dear DSO: It’s not so easy for some of us.

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I know you talk about having to move on and get over your wife after she cheats on you, but it’s not so easy for some guys. My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two kids. We work together. Her dad owns the business where I work. It’s a business that has been in a her family for a really long time. My wife does not want to divorce. If I decided to divorce her, I’d probably lose my high-paying job with her dad’s business. I really don’t have much in the way of a resume that will help me get another good job. The job market sucks right now.  Where would I live? My parents live a thousand miles away. I can’t move there because then I wouldn’t see my kids. If we divorced, she’d probably get the kids almost full-time because I’m a dad with no money.

 

I’m basically stuck. She had one affair two years ago, and now I just discovered another. I love her still, but I’m starting to lose attraction to her. I can’t stand to lay down next to her at night. We stopped having sex almost completely after the first affair was discovered. Now I usually spend the nights sleeping on the couch.

 

I just want my life back.

 

So I just wanted to let you know that’s it not so easy for some of us out there.

Gary

Dear Gary,

First, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, brother. I can’t imagine the stress.  But, you’re right. It’s not so easy for everyone. It’s not as easy as sayin, “See ya, bitch!” for a lot of guys. Kids complicate things a great deal. Add to that your unique job situation, and your world just got a hell of a lot tougher than most.

Your situation illustrates two hugely important things:

  1. Don’t make yourself dependent upon your spouse for your livelihood. Ideally, you want to be the guy that doesn’t NEED his wife. The more you NEED her to function day-to-day, the higher the chances are that you will fail the relationship game.
  2. You really need to better vet your relationship candidate. Red flags? Run. I’m wiling to bet there were a plethora of red flags early on in the relationship that you ignored. Then you kept digging the hole deeper and deeper and find yourself in this predicament.

She currently holds all of the cards. This is not an even contest, by any stretch. You WILL completely fail at this game eventually. I realize you probably think you’re failing pretty hard at life already, but things will inevitably get much worse for you. It’s just a matter of time. She will at some point land an affair partner that will be dumb enough to declare her the love of his life, and you will quickly see divorce papers on your desk. She’ll make the big awful decision for you.  She has already replaced you in her mind, now she just needs to iron out the all the logistical stuff about ending your relationship. Step 1 of that plan is to get a new man and to make sure he sticks around (the other two affair partners probably used her for sex and weren’t interested in committing). Step 2 is to then cut ties with you completely. This is where she may try to get the kids away from you, lie about you, take money, make your life hell, etc.

The ideal relationship is one where two people that are completely independent and fine on their own get together because they love and adore each other and want to help each other go through the adventure of life. The more all of the facets of their respective lives intertwine, the more trouble pops up. If her hobbies becomes yours, if mom-in-law is living with you full-time, if you only hang out with her friends, if you work side-by-side, if the in-laws sign your paychecks, etc… that all leads to further intertwining of the two worlds and a whole lot of trouble.

Lawyer up. Now. You don’t have to file. But you need to be prepared. The lawyer can tell what to do and what not to do to prepare yourself for the inevitable.

Good luck, my friend.

Dear DSO: How do I get my husband to be more of a Lover?

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I am a woman but somehow found your articles and I think they’re great! Very clearly stated why marriages fail and women cheat on “nice guys”.

Would be great to see an article for women someday – how to help a husband to become more of a lover and less of a provider? He’s never been a “lover” but we just became great friends and then more (my initiative, of course, his first serious relationship – textbook case, I guess). Good looking, wealthy, smart, caring and loving to extreme. But after 6 years I’m bored – I crave for jokes, fun, excitement, sexy, a bit selfish and independent man. I told him so many times. He wants marriage and kids; I dread that as kids would make him even more of a provider and I’m starting to doubt if my willpower will be enough and my innocent flirt with other guys won’t turn into more someday. I love him and want to make it work but not sure I can be satisfied with a provider all my life (I’m financially independent and have no desire for kids).

Should we split or is there a way to bring out “lover” in a man?

Mary

Hello Mary,
 
There are a couple of things that stick out for me in the description of your relationship. First and foremost is that HE is wanting to settle down and have kids. YOU are pretty much in the mindset of being an independent career woman and have no interest in having kids. Would you say you have no interest in having kids with HIM (since he is already a Provider type and, as you point out, kids will just amplify those traits) or is it more that you don’t want kids ever no matter who your partner may be? I think that’s a question you need to take time out to ponder for a while.
 
Either way, that alone sounds like a relationship breaker for most people. He wants kids. You don’t.
 
Setting aside the kids thing for the moment, you say you would like to make your relationship work with him… but you need him to be more fun, sexy and independent. See, the way it works with men is pretty simple: BE BLUNT. Guys don’t work well with nuance. We don’t do subtlety. The best course of action is to simply TELL him what you want and LEAD him to it. Seriously. An example may be to say, “As I get older and more mature, I realize that our relationship needs to be dirty and more fun than it is right now. I need that extra oomph to keep me going. I love you for everything you are, but I do need more… and I’m not the type to go out and cheat. Instead, I want to have sexy and fun adventures with you. I want us to take our relationship to a new level.” See how he responds. He may be a little embarrassed. You may hurt his feelings. He may be extremely turned on. It could be that he has a kinky side to him but he has been shamed into being Mr. Nice Guy his whole life. That’s not uncommon. Maybe all it takes is his hot wife to say, “It’s okay to be crazy dirty. I love it.” 
 
Regardless of his response, the truth is out in the open and that’s always a good thing.
 
Let’s be honest, having to “lead” your man to be more fun and sexy may just completely turn you off. After all, you want a guy who is just a natural lover, not a guy you have to TELL what you want him to do. You’ll have to fight through that. This is what people mean when they say, “WORKING on your marriage”.
 
You’ll also have to cater to his masculine side when coming up with ideas for sexing things up. Consider watching porn together. Going to strip clubs. Role-playing. Sending him dirty photos and videos of yourself. There are lots of simple ways you can push his buttons. This is all assuming he’s a healthy adult male and his hormones are in check, of course.
 
So, in review:
 
1. Figure out the kids things first and foremost. You don’t want them at all, or you don’t want them with him?
2. You will have to be blunt and be the sexual leader. Watch how he responds.
 
Good luck!
 
DSO

“Dear DSO, What’s up with you and open marriages?”

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear D.S.O.,

I’ve been following you on Facebook and have read all of your posts on the website. I think what you’re doing is great and means a lot to guys like me. There’s one thing I don’t understand, and that’s why you seem to be so hung-up on open marriages. I have a friend that’s in an open marriage and they seem to get along great. My ex-wife and I were in a sexless marriage for years and I suggested to her that we think about opening our marriage. She didn’t agree with it, so we didn’t do it (it turns out the reason we weren’t having sex was because she was cheating on me for three years). I totally get why some people may want to explore that kind of marriage. If it works for them, what’s the big deal?

– Steve

Dear Steve,

I will be the first to say that anyone and everyone should be able to do whatever they please in the confines of their own bedroom. If it has no effect on me and my life and doesn’t hurt society in general, what do I care? Let your freak flag fly! I personally know people who are swingers and they seem to have excellent marriages. I truly do not care and don’t think it’s my business to preach what is what and what isn’t right for their sex life.

BUT… please understand the specific phenomenon that I am discussing in my posts. I’m looking out for men. My readers. Guys who have been hurt in relationships to toxic women and are starting over in life. This current phenomenon of “open marriage” isn’t about two people mutually talking things through and deciding that having sex with others would be a fun and good experience for their marriage. The phenomenon I’m talking about is a one-sided epiphany by bored wives who (understandably) want a little extra oomph in their life. Nine times out of ten, it’s actually a wife who has feelings for somebody outside of their marriage and they’re looking for a safe excuse to start an affair.

Thanks to the current social climate, the trend is for married women to treat their sexuality like a toddler that has just discovered a gun under dad’s bed. They have no concept of safety. It’s up to society to say, “No… you’re married, Susan. Put the gun down. It could be loaded. Quit waving it around like a madwoman. Put it back where you found it.” Instead, we have a media that seems hell bent on telling Susan to pick up the gun, put a bullet in the cylinder, turn the safety off, point it at her head and pull the trigger. Hey, she may survive and it will be thrilling!

To tell her to put the gun down and walk away would be tantamount to treating her like a toddler. That hurts feelings. That is mysoginistic. Bad husband.

In short… it’s a one-sided, manipulative, short-sighted, hedonistic and unrealistic ploy for women to have their cake and eat it too. She wants the comfort and familiarity of the Provider while testing the waters with a new Lover. I’ve personally never seen it work in the long-term. It usually ends with the woman becoming bonded to her new Lover and detaching from her Provider husband. Much like the reader who commented on the original post I made. 

“One day she came home just like you say. Crying. She fell in love. She couldn’t help it. So… that means we can’t still be married? Isn’t this an open marriage? No, because he doesn’t believe in open marriages. So she needed to divorce and be with him.”

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