Dissecting Dead Bedrooms

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

We all know the tried-and-true stereotype of the typical modern day marriage:

Man is horny and ready to go at any time. Even though his wife is older, heavier and not nearly as bubbly and sweet as she was in the honeymoon stage of their early relationship, he still loves her intensely. He still has the soft/romantic feelings of love and devotion for her, as well as the harder more sexual/lustful feelings that have been there since puberty. Saying “I do” didn’t change a thing for him in the horniness department.

How does SHE feel about him and their sex life? Well, if you watch her actions… she sure seems indifferent and most of the time annoyed by his sexual and loving advances. The husband craves the intimacy and validation that comes with having sex with this wife, and the wife… she just seems to crave rest and a glass of wine. She seems overwhelmed much of the time and the husband is made to feel like part of the problem, instead of the gateway to sexual fun that he hopes to portray.

Sure, the lovable loser husband will sometimes get table scraps from the wife. Sometimes his whining and pouting are too much and the wife will undo her sweat pants and head to the bedroom. “Okay… but we’re not doing oral. That makes my jaw hurt and you haven’t showered yet today. Get batteries from the kitchen. The ones in my vibrator are dead.”

What exactly is going on here? Is this just inevitable? If you have heart-to-heart conversations with your buddies, the majority of them will report much of the same thing. They want sex. She doesn’t most of the time. They are frustrated. They just live with it. What else can they do?

Some men eventually hit the end of their sexual rope. They can’t take it anymore. Usually, some kind of event gets them to the point of no return. Maybe they were hit on by some sexy, pretty thing at the company Christmas party. Maybe some gal at the office was talking about what a lucky woman their wife is to have an attractive and sweet guy like him. Maybe the wife got very angry the last time he attempted a moment of intimacy and said really hurtful things that made him question his role in their marriage. Whatever it was, something has flipped the switch in their brain and they’ve had enough.

Men who have “had enough” usually don’t walk away. They search for solutions. Fixes. They identify the problem, they figure out what to do, they do it, it fails. They try again. That’s usually how they get to websites like this one and buy books like The Dead Bedroom Fix.

The cold hard truth is that your wife is just not sexually attracted to you. Barring any kind of physical issues (birth control, hormonal issues, etc), the fire IS in there… Just not for you.  Instead of reading up on why your wife doesn’t want sex, you should instead look at why you’re not pushing your wife’s “must have sex with this man” buttons. It could be a myriad of reasons, but going down the easy road of “she’s just not that sexual” or “she’s just overstressed” isn’t going to get you closer to a solution.

A lot of men come to my website after discovering their wife in an affair. The majority of these affairs were precipitated by a long dead bedroom period. They didn’t get sex from their wife. She wasn’t into doing THAT anymore. Wife was tired. Wife was cranky. Then the the husband sees or hears something that gives him a bad gut feeling. He starts snooping. He makes the big discovery. He says was all guys in this situation say:

She did that with HIM?! She would never do that with ME!?”

The simple truth is that the fire was in there all along, and it took some loser at the bar or some random coworker to bring it out. Your long, comfort-based relationship of so many years is no match for “Wow… you look really hot” from some casual acquaintance that everyone says is a complete asshole.

Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a rare scenario. It happens a lot. I have the emails and website visitors to prove it.

Want to learn the key to turning around your sexless marriage? Want to fix the dead bedroom once and for all? Already divorced and don’t want to go down that inevitable road again with your next partner? The irony is that the beginning of the long road toward a solution can be found within the frame of the common wife affair.  Start at the end if you want to find the truth.

MEN: ARE YOU IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE?

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN OUT THERE NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR SEX LIVES. What is going on? Is the tried-and-true stereotype of the undersexed husband and the cold, bossy wife inevitable? Are monogamous relationships doomed to such a pitiful state? Is that just the way marriage is?

I DON'T THINK SO.

To make a long story short, several years ago I was married for 15 years, discovered infidelity, quickly divorced and found myself newly single and sharing custody of three little kids. I then started a website at www.dadstartingover.com. After chatting with many men in my situation , I slowly started to notice patterns of behavior. Most men experienced long “Dead Bedroom” periods in their relationship prior to their divorce. Many of these men later discovered infidelity.I wrote about my thoughts on Dead Bedrooms on my website and it is by far the most popular topic to date. It has outranked all other topics combined. Then I started a podcast and recorded a few episodes. The Dead Bedrooms episode was the most downloaded.Simply put, nobody seems to know what to do to keep the fire going in their longterm relationship. Most of us experience a “honeymoon phase” of intimacy, and then watch it quickly fade as the stress of life and the boredom of familiarity settle in.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I don’t claim to have all the answers for a happy married sex life. What I do know is that my own experience and the experience of hundreds of other men have helped to create a prescription for what I feel is the only true, honest, no bullshit way to get your wife jumping your bones again.I have finally put that prescription down on paper, and I call it The Dead Bedroom Fix.

Mommy’s Coping Skills

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Women are more social by nature. What their peer groups says and thinks and feels is of paramount importance. Not only do women tend to “follow the herd” more than men, keep up with trends, and make the majority of the buying decisions (over 80% of consumer spending is done by women), but they also take their emotional cues from their social group. If the group is stressed, she’s stressed. If the group is happy, she’s happy. If the group thinks her husband is a lazy slob, she thinks her husband is a lazy slob.

For example, more than a few men have been pissed at their wife’s inability to appreciate his hard work and dedication to her and the family. Then, one day a friend of your wife’s points out to her what a great guy you are, and your wife suddenly awakens and is appreciative. Mary said that Greg said you are the hardest worker they have at your company. That made me realize how lucky I am to have such a great husband!” she says as she hugs you tightly. Gee, glad Mary was around to point out the obvious, sweetie! Or you could… you know… just open your eyes and see me coming home exhausted every day and appreciate me, without needing your friend’s input first.

The social dynamic has changed immensely. What used to be long, gossip-filled telephone conversations at the kitchen table with her friends has now turned into all-day-long social media posting marathons. Social media is heroin for the woman who is preoccupied with the life of her friends and celebrities. Lots of clicking. Lots of posting. Lots of liking. Every single day.  It’s not a good thing.

It didn’t take long after the invention of Facebook for posts by busy moms to go from “Look at this cute picture of my perfect kid”, to to regular posts telling moms that is it okay to be a horrible parent every now and then and to just “let go”. That’s when it started going downhill fast. The general mom-centric social media theme quickly morphed into: “Life sucks. Life is stressful. My god, how do we do this? How can we juggle so many things?!  Working moms are living saints! LIFE IS SO GOD DAMN HARD. We must mentally escape or we will die!” The social group has spoken. Current mood: Overstressed.  

Once the “Woe is me” social media train started rolling, there was no stopping it. Victimhood is contagious. Mommy martyrdom is their new drug.

If my personal Facebook feed is to be believed, alcoholism has been a very cool hobby for the modern day mom. It’s hip. It’s cute. It’s a big, funny joke that we all laugh along with. “Oh, mommy and her wine. She needs it with those three rug rats at home, am I right?! Gotta have her mom juice!”   There is meme after meme about mommy needing a timeout as she avoids the kids and polishes off a bottle of the happy stuff. I even saw an ad for a wine glass holder for the shower. God forbid mom has to endure the hardships of bathing without her drug!

In the 60’s and 70’s, we had a somewhat hush-hush trend of women using valium to “calm mommy’s nerves”. These days it’s a bottle of whichever wine with a funky label is on sale at the grocery store that day. Both are no good for her health, and yet both have been accepted as “Just the way it is… otherwise mom will go off the rails. Let’s keep her medicated and tolerable.”  The irony is that what seems like such an obviously sexist way of thinking (“Poor silly stupid ladies”) is not perpetuated by men , but by their fellow women.  Ask any man who has worked with or hung out with a group of women. These groups of women seem to have an innate need to bring down their fellow women when given the chance, sometimes subconsciously. “Yes, drink the wine, sweetie. You deserve it. Life is awful tough. Don’t worry, we’re all doing it, too. It’s okay. LOOK! She’s now a horrible mom, too! Now I don’t feel so bad!”

What a drag it is getting old
‘Kids are different today,’ I hear ev’ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she’s not really ill
There’s a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper.

– The Rolling Stones 

The wino mom trend is not cute. It’s not funny. It’s disturbing. It’s shameful. The behavior that is glorified and joked about in memes is what we commonly refer to as “alcoholism”. Alcoholism can and will ruin lives. If you are polishing off an entire bottle of wine (or more) a day just so you can cope with life’s stress, you have a serious substance abuse issue. You are unable to cope with life on your own. The thought terrifies you. 

I will say it until I am blue in the face: Most people are not cut out for long-term relationships. It’s too tough for most. Most of the relationship candidates out there are BAD relationship candidates. Most women you will encounter in life have a very VERY difficult time coping when shit hits the fan, and trust me… shit WILL hit the fan at some point. Many women just don’t have the tools in their mental toolbox to deal with it. They will absolutely find a way to ease the pain of life and deal with it in an unhealthy way. This is why she spends too much, eats too much, has the affair, and drinks like a fish.

In an era of “No shame… do what you want and we will not judge you for it”, society still finds a way to point out the broken people we should all stay away from. Social Media is doing an excellent job of shaking the bushes and watching the bad relationship rats scurry and hide. Pay close attention. Everything you need to know is there. Your woman’s social media feed is the new and effective barometer of her mental health. Red flags will be there for the world to see. You just need to remove you rose-colored glasses to see them.

Empty wine bottles in the trash day after day are not a joke. They are a clinking, heavy bag of glaringly awful red flags. You have been warned.

Dear DSO: How do I get my husband to be more of a Lover?

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I am a woman but somehow found your articles and I think they’re great! Very clearly stated why marriages fail and women cheat on “nice guys”.

Would be great to see an article for women someday – how to help a husband to become more of a lover and less of a provider? He’s never been a “lover” but we just became great friends and then more (my initiative, of course, his first serious relationship – textbook case, I guess). Good looking, wealthy, smart, caring and loving to extreme. But after 6 years I’m bored – I crave for jokes, fun, excitement, sexy, a bit selfish and independent man. I told him so many times. He wants marriage and kids; I dread that as kids would make him even more of a provider and I’m starting to doubt if my willpower will be enough and my innocent flirt with other guys won’t turn into more someday. I love him and want to make it work but not sure I can be satisfied with a provider all my life (I’m financially independent and have no desire for kids).

Should we split or is there a way to bring out “lover” in a man?

Mary

Hello Mary,
 
There are a couple of things that stick out for me in the description of your relationship. First and foremost is that HE is wanting to settle down and have kids. YOU are pretty much in the mindset of being an independent career woman and have no interest in having kids. Would you say you have no interest in having kids with HIM (since he is already a Provider type and, as you point out, kids will just amplify those traits) or is it more that you don’t want kids ever no matter who your partner may be? I think that’s a question you need to take time out to ponder for a while.
 
Either way, that alone sounds like a relationship breaker for most people. He wants kids. You don’t.
 
Setting aside the kids thing for the moment, you say you would like to make your relationship work with him… but you need him to be more fun, sexy and independent. See, the way it works with men is pretty simple: BE BLUNT. Guys don’t work well with nuance. We don’t do subtlety. The best course of action is to simply TELL him what you want and LEAD him to it. Seriously. An example may be to say, “As I get older and more mature, I realize that our relationship needs to be dirty and more fun than it is right now. I need that extra oomph to keep me going. I love you for everything you are, but I do need more… and I’m not the type to go out and cheat. Instead, I want to have sexy and fun adventures with you. I want us to take our relationship to a new level.” See how he responds. He may be a little embarrassed. You may hurt his feelings. He may be extremely turned on. It could be that he has a kinky side to him but he has been shamed into being Mr. Nice Guy his whole life. That’s not uncommon. Maybe all it takes is his hot wife to say, “It’s okay to be crazy dirty. I love it.” 
 
Regardless of his response, the truth is out in the open and that’s always a good thing.
 
Let’s be honest, having to “lead” your man to be more fun and sexy may just completely turn you off. After all, you want a guy who is just a natural lover, not a guy you have to TELL what you want him to do. You’ll have to fight through that. This is what people mean when they say, “WORKING on your marriage”.
 
You’ll also have to cater to his masculine side when coming up with ideas for sexing things up. Consider watching porn together. Going to strip clubs. Role-playing. Sending him dirty photos and videos of yourself. There are lots of simple ways you can push his buttons. This is all assuming he’s a healthy adult male and his hormones are in check, of course.
 
So, in review:
 
1. Figure out the kids things first and foremost. You don’t want them at all, or you don’t want them with him?
2. You will have to be blunt and be the sexual leader. Watch how he responds.
 
Good luck!
 
DSO

Book Review: “Untrue” by Wednesday Martin

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

I have just recently finished the book, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free” by Wednesday Martin. For a guy like me who has written on female sexuality (and how it pertains to relationship, marriage and infidelity), this is not what I would call a major eye-opener of a book. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say that I agree with most of what Ms. Martin says. There’s nothing really ground-breaking here for me or for most of my readers. We’re not her target audience, after all.

What IS interesting to me is that she has unknowingly written what may be the most intensely anti-marriage mainstream book  I’ve read in quite some time. It’s well-written. It’s smart. It’s funny. Yes, she approaches her subject from an unabashedly feminist perspective, using history and evolutionary psychology to build her case, but the conclusions are the same as your typical angry 20-something guy ranting about women on Reddit:

  • Women are not anywhere near as chaste and pure as you think they are. They cheat. A lot. Hell, your grandma probably cheated.
  • Women are every bit as sexual as men. Just because men have higher levels of testosterone doesn’t mean women don’t get crazy horny if the circumstances are right. In fact, women are turned on by WAY more than what men are. Their sexuality is extremely fluid. They’re made for sex.
  • Women are just not turned on by traditional monogamy. They want fun and excitement. This is why women are the ones predominantly pushing for open marriages and polyamory. They need the extra oomph to get them going. Marriage and kids turns off their sexual machine.
  • It’s by no means unusual for a woman to get her sexual needs met by one man (her Lover) and her comfort and financial resources from another (her Provider).

What I think Martin fails to appreciate is how much of a “holy shit” this is for one particular (and important) section of our population: Monogamous men that are looking to settle down with one woman for the rest of their lives.

I can just picture some normal guy with a good job, healthy 401k and a girlfriend of three years he’s about to propose to. He’s aimlessly walking through the book store and sees a copy of this book prominently displayed along with other seedy “sex” and “relationship” books. He picks it up, takes a look… reads a few pages… and mindlessly takes it over to the coffee shop area. A few chapters and one large cappucino later, and he’s angrily texting his girlfriend. “We need to talk.”

On a big picture scale, what may be seen as an understandably “empowering” and freeing” sexual manifesto for many women will be used by a GIANT chunk of our society (men) as a handy excuse to completely bail out of the monogamy industry. In other words, the more the “secret” gets out, the more men may very well opt out of the whole monogamous marriage process.

Men WANT the dream of the woman who has eyes only for him and who will be devoted to him no matter what life throws their way. Most men can’t even CONCEIVE of their married life in any other way. It’s a dream that many of us men have been spoon fed since the day we first noticed girls. We’ve been told out whole lives what marriage was SUPPOSED to be… and books like this are telling us that we were lied to? Okay… then we don’t want to participate in this game anymore” many men are saying.

Instead, men will live comfortably in their shitty little apartments, with their shitty but comfortable jobs, a steady but not exciting paycheck, their modest 401k savings, their video games, little social interaction, and way too much porn. Other than the pickup truck in the driveway, their vasectomy will be the only other major life expense. They don’t want to have a major “oops” and ruin all the good stuff they have going on!

Obviously, this would have dramatic repercussions for the economy and for state of the Western family. Economists are already freaking out about dropping fertility rates and subsequent lack of spending. We have real-world examples of how this dynamic plays out with the current situation in Japan and their “Herbivore Men”. It’s not pretty.

Make no mistake about it, the “monogamous married couple with 2.5 kids” model is an industry. It drives our consumption economy. From the expensive wedding, to the expensive honeymoon, the way-too-big house, the pointless SUV, the hybrid sedan, the namebrand baby items, the namebrand clothes, the expensive vacations, the expensive divorces… it’s a giant machine that is the hub of a very big economic wheel. A viral change in mindset can shut the machine down a little at a time.

FACT: Women drive 84% of all consumer spending in the U.S. That’s $7 trillion dollars of spending annually. Trillion. With a T. 

Good, quality men have always been on the edge of opting out of the marriage industry… and things like Untrue are all it may take to push them right over the edge into eternal bachelorhood.  What was once a goal to strive for (marriage and raising kids) is now a giant life-ruining accident they want to avoid, all because their vision of what a relationship is supposed to be has been upturned. Marriage is now seen as a huge fun-killer for the other half of the population. As Wednesday Martin says in the title of the book: “… How the New Science Can Set Us Free”. Set women free from what? Monogamy? I think if your wise old grandma were here, she would tell you, “Honey, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.”

According to Martin and “Untrue”,   it’s time the rest of society get with the program and recognize women’s sexual autonomy and change the game to accomodate their needs. We’ll all be better off for it.

Martin’s book and the subject matter is not considered “mainstream” just yet. She’s not a household name. The subject is still considered a “fringe” topic by many, but it’s one that is gaining a lot of ground in a hurry. It seems like everyone has a buddy whose wife just suggested an open marriage, or a wife who got caught sexting a guy from work, or a wife who simply walked away from the husband and kids to be with the sexy loser.  It happens.

The question is… okay, now what?  If what Martin says is correct… what do YOU do about it?

“Dear DSO, What’s up with you and open marriages?”

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear D.S.O.,

I’ve been following you on Facebook and have read all of your posts on the website. I think what you’re doing is great and means a lot to guys like me. There’s one thing I don’t understand, and that’s why you seem to be so hung-up on open marriages. I have a friend that’s in an open marriage and they seem to get along great. My ex-wife and I were in a sexless marriage for years and I suggested to her that we think about opening our marriage. She didn’t agree with it, so we didn’t do it (it turns out the reason we weren’t having sex was because she was cheating on me for three years). I totally get why some people may want to explore that kind of marriage. If it works for them, what’s the big deal?

– Steve

Dear Steve,

I will be the first to say that anyone and everyone should be able to do whatever they please in the confines of their own bedroom. If it has no effect on me and my life and doesn’t hurt society in general, what do I care? Let your freak flag fly! I personally know people who are swingers and they seem to have excellent marriages. I truly do not care and don’t think it’s my business to preach what is what and what isn’t right for their sex life.

BUT… please understand the specific phenomenon that I am discussing in my posts. I’m looking out for men. My readers. Guys who have been hurt in relationships to toxic women and are starting over in life. This current phenomenon of “open marriage” isn’t about two people mutually talking things through and deciding that having sex with others would be a fun and good experience for their marriage. The phenomenon I’m talking about is a one-sided epiphany by bored wives who (understandably) want a little extra oomph in their life. Nine times out of ten, it’s actually a wife who has feelings for somebody outside of their marriage and they’re looking for a safe excuse to start an affair.

Thanks to the current social climate, the trend is for married women to treat their sexuality like a toddler that has just discovered a gun under dad’s bed. They have no concept of safety. It’s up to society to say, “No… you’re married, Susan. Put the gun down. It could be loaded. Quit waving it around like a madwoman. Put it back where you found it.” Instead, we have a media that seems hell bent on telling Susan to pick up the gun, put a bullet in the cylinder, turn the safety off, point it at her head and pull the trigger. Hey, she may survive and it will be thrilling!

To tell her to put the gun down and walk away would be tantamount to treating her like a toddler. That hurts feelings. That is mysoginistic. Bad husband.

In short… it’s a one-sided, manipulative, short-sighted, hedonistic and unrealistic ploy for women to have their cake and eat it too. She wants the comfort and familiarity of the Provider while testing the waters with a new Lover. I’ve personally never seen it work in the long-term. It usually ends with the woman becoming bonded to her new Lover and detaching from her Provider husband. Much like the reader who commented on the original post I made. 

“One day she came home just like you say. Crying. She fell in love. She couldn’t help it. So… that means we can’t still be married? Isn’t this an open marriage? No, because he doesn’t believe in open marriages. So she needed to divorce and be with him.”

Suggested Reading

Borderline Personality Disorder

Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

If I had to summarize my Dad Starting Over world in 2018 (as far as my readers’ stories and online postings are concerned), I could whittle it down to two things:

  1. “My wife wants an open marriage.”
  2. “My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).”

#1, Open Marriages, is a predictable and rapidly-growing social trend. It can easily be remedied if every man simply said, “No. We should divorce instead.” Enforcing boundaries and knowing when to walk away from these situations would help to put an end to the trend.

#2, BPD, is an unfortunate reality that will become more and more common as the rate of broken homes, childhood abuse and absent father figures goes up.  The bad news is that there is no cure for a woman with BPD.

BPD falls under the category of Cluster B personality disorders. People with Cluster B disorders are characterized by their “Overly emotional and unpredictable thoughts and behavior”. Other disorders that fall under the category of Cluster B include Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Of all the Cluster B disorders, BPD is probably the most widely studied. We know, in general, what causes it. We know that it usually begins with childhood trauma that leads to extreme fear of abandonment (in addition to possible genetic factors – like if mom was BPD). We know how these fears manifest themselves later in life.

We also know that they are VERY broken human beings that should be avoided at all costs.

COMMON BPD BEHAVIOR

BPD behavior is pretty damn obvious. As far as the BPD wife is concerned, it typically manifests itself in the following ways:

1. LOVE BOMBING

When that initial infatuation/falling in love/“I must procreate with this man” stage hits, it hits her hard. Really hard. She will do anything and everything to be with this man. She will shower him with praise. She will buy him things. She will submit to any and all sexual needs the man may have. She will lose weight. She will dress seductively. She will text or call incessently. For a man with little dating experience and/or feelings of low self-esteem , this is absolutely the most amazing feeling ever. This HAS to mean she is “the one”, right?!

“I just knew she was the one from the first day we met.” I’ve heard this more than a few times from my readers who have BPD wives.

All men want a woman who love bombs them. It’s our dream. But when in the middle of an extreme BPD love bomb, what should be obvious warning signs of way-too-early and extreme attachment are drowned out by all the fantastic positive emotions we men feel (and the fantastic porn sex, of course).

“When wearing rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”

2. EXTREME JEALOUSY

The BPD woman is extremely threatened by the emotional connections you make with others. This could be your attachment to your children, your coworkers, your platonic friends, your ex-girlfriends, etc. She will do all she can to separate you physically and emotionally from these people. She must eliminate all competition for her attention.

Her brain: “Stop all these other relationships! He’s going to leave you!”

3. MORPHING

Women are naturally more agreeable and pliable than men. We all know the woman who takes on the personality traits, hobbies and interests of her new boyfriend. She didn’t used to like football, now all of a sudden she’s wearing a Bengals jersey and yelling at the TV during Monday Night Football.

The BPD woman takes this to the next level. She doesn’t have that filter or boundary mechanism that says “Oh, I like you and all… but I’m not doing THAT.” Instead, she will gladly put on the football jersey, snort the cocaine, pop the pills, get the tattoo, get the boob job, join the orgy, and ignore her kids for weeks at a time.  This is all in an effort to keep the new man around.

4. SPLITTING

What was once the best thing in the entire universe is now the equivalent of dog shit on the bottom of her shoe. This sudden change in thought, or “splitting”, can seem to happen suddenly with no warning. Then, the dog shit goes back to being fantastic again… but only briefly. Then it’s back to being awful again.

Usually that piece of dog shit is the unsuspecting male partner in her life. The husband or boyfriend she was once infatuated with becomes a laughable loser when she meets and bonds with a new man.

Again, this is common cheating woman behavior. Where the BPD woman takes it a step further is that she goes WAY BEYOND indifference towards her ex, and has to actively try to destroy him. She will reach out to her social circle to ruin his name. She may try to physically harm him or get others to do it. She may take all his money. She will randomly send him messages reminding him of just how worthless he is. She will tell the kids how awful he is. She will outright lie about him to anyone he cares about.

She won’t stop until he is completely destroyed.

She’s getting back at him for “abandoning” her. It doesn’t matter that SHE cheated and broke up with him and attached to another man. In her reptilian brain, she was abandoned by her ex. He failed to play the role she needed. He must pay the price.

There is no grey area with a BPD woman. It’s all or nothing. You’re either the second coming of Jesus or the Devil himself.

The “Oh wow, this is really fucked up” moment comes when the ex finally gets wise and decides to stop all contact with the BPD woman. That is when she is left with her acute fear of abandonment. This is when she will lash out in more anger, sadness and may even self-harm or attempt suicide. This draws the ex back in… and then the cycle continues.

5. GASLIGHTING

This is a term used when abusive people try to convince you that the red flags you are seeing are actually YOUR fault. YOU’RE the crazy/mean/cruel/abusive one. She’s the victim.

It’s never her fault. It never will be her fault. She can’t see the rational side of things because she is incapable of doing so.

This just makes the “nice guy” husband want to try even harder. After all, he made vows to this woman. For better or for worse. Maybe she has a point. That one time he did say she was acting like a bitch… he shouldn’t have done that. He can be a better husband.

She sees his groveling and attempts to fix the situation, and she grows more resentful and angry.

This form of abuse has lasting repercussions for the man and his subsequent relationships moving forward in life. He questions everything about himself and his already low self-esteem is completely flushed down the toilet.

“Maybe I AM the problem. I’m worthless.”

6. INFIDELITY

In broad terms, BPD women feel two things:

1. An intense need for love and acceptance

2. A need to engage in impulsive and risky behavior. Cheating fits in perfectly with their psyche.

You, the nice/normal guy with low self-esteem, will never be enough for the BPD woman. NOBODY will be enough for her. This is the grand irony of BPD. She is frightened to the core about the chance of abandonment by her partner, but she does everything in her power to drive him away… including abuse and actually running into the arms of another man (or multiple men). A BPD woman will often rationalize her frequent infidelities by saying, “Hey, we all know you were going to cheat on me, anyway.”

Yes, “normal” women cheat all the time. The BPD difference is that they often like to rub it in the face of the ex partner. There are stories of women sending photos of them engaging in sex with their new man, sharing graphic details, explaining how the new partner is physically better/more endowed, etc. This is just part of the “must punish the old partner for not doing what he was supposed to” pathology. Whatever she can do to chip away at the confidence and happiness of the ex partner, she will do.

WHY IT’S SO HARD TO BREAK FREE

Let’s just get one obvious but uncomfortable observation out of the way: Borderline behavior seems to be “typical” female behavior amplified about a million times. It is true that an estimated 80% of BPD sufferers are female. This isn’t a condemnation of women. This isn’t “Haha… all women are crazy!” This is just recognizing that men and women are different animals, and we differ in how we process psychological trauma in our lives. BPD shows us how many women (and some men) typically act out childhood trauma and fears of abandonment.

Not only is the bad “crazy” stuff amplified, but so is all the good stuff. Everything early on in the relationship is wild and turned up to eleven.

“Crazy in the head, crazy in bed.” We’ve all heard it. It’s true. For most men, the most intoxicating sexual traits in women are submissiveness and sexual openness/experimentation. BPD women will flat out do it all for you (and for the next guy). Nothing is off the table. They radiate a sexuality that most have never experienced before. They are living wet dreams. They are porn stars in real life. This is especially true early on in the relationship (pre-kids).

This level of open sexuality is completely intoxicating and addicting for many men.

Not only does she have the physical attributes covered, but she also knows the psychological buttons to push to keep you coming back for more. Early in the relationship, she gave you a taste of feeling like a king. She focused all of her attention and energy on YOU. For a guy who has probably never received this level of attention and validation, it pushes him over the top. He will paint his woman with the “perfect angel that can do no wrong” brush. Once she earns that distinction, it’s very hard for the man to put the genie back in the bottle.

Men are the hopeless romantics, after all.

More often than not, the man has very little experience with “truly crazy” female behavior. He sees red flags and moments of concern (probably in the form of oddly-timed angry outbursts and jealousy rages), but he doesn’t dare tell her to cool it out of fear of rocking the boat and losing the sexual and emotional validation buffet she’s been providing.

The combination of rewarding her for all her positives and trying to keep her negatives to a minimum means A LOT of giving and more giving from the man. She just has to say “jump” and he says “how high?!” She now has a slave.

Then it gets worse. And worse. And worse. The sex usually gets cut off. The cheating begins (or she is just no longer hiding it). The man is left feeling like a complete and total failure. His giving didn’t pay off. He seems to be punished for his unconditional love. He doubles down on his love and she pushes away even more. If he dares show signs of giving up on her, she may become suicidal.

During her more coherent/evil moments, she may actually spell out to the man the consequences for trying to leave her. She will outline how she will take his money, ruin his reputation, and physically harm him. If she fully attaches to another man, she may do all those things and more.

After years of this torture, everyone he confides in says the same thing: “Dude… why don’t you just leave?!”

He doesn’t see a way out. Not without endangering himself, his money, his children and the relationship he STILL holds out hope for.

After all, he’s worthless in his own mind. She’s probably the best he can ever do. How can he ever get a woman like HER again?

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

Yes, you fucked up. We’ve all been there one way or another. You learn from your mistakes and you move on. No, you didn’t cause her issues. No, you’re not responsible for her behavior. No, you can’t fix the relationship if you just [insert stupid idea here].

You fucked up because you allowed your damaged sense of self to dictate your relationship with a woman. You succumbed to your childhood baggage and allowed the absolute perfect storm of a bad human being to push your buttons. You saw flags but you didn’t act appropriately.  You just went with the flow and let the tidal wave of “love” wash you away.

You attached far too soon. You “put the pussy on a pedestal” in the absolute biggest way possible.

You can’t fix this relationship. This is just a sad and scary chapter in the big book of your life. You must learn from this and move on.

Easier said than done, I know.

Man are fixers and just can’t accept that they actually grew to love and care for such a crazy person. “Nope… this is fixable. It’s not her. It’s just her drinking, drugs, the other guy, stress from having a kid, midlife crisis, etc..”

No, dude… it’s her. Always been her. There’s zero you can do to turn this relationship around. You are not the first, nor will you be the last man to fall for the lure of the sexy but crazy woman. You just have to figure out why you stuck around so long.

What I can tell you is that EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY guy in these situations has SOME kind of baggage from their childhood that they haven’t dealt with. Lots of men just give a knee-jerk reaction when questioned. “Nope! My family life was awesome. Parents were great. No complaints!” After a lot of back and forth… “I mean, I WAS molested by my uncle and my mom was caught in an affair when I was 9…”

Be honest with yourself. Dig deep and figure out why you didn’t have the skills you needed to say, “Whoa… this is one crazy woman. Time to pull the ejection handle and get the F outta dodge!” If you don’t figure that out, I can absolutely guarantee that will be right back where you are now with a completely different woman.

In the single post-divorce world, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a BPD woman.