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Real Love

What is “REAL” love?

Real love is the man who has been with his wife for 30+ years and helps bathe and feed her while she battles life-threatening cancer. He drives her back and forth to her chemo sessions and cleans the vomit in the car while telling her she’s beautiful and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

Real love is the elderly wife who feeds, hugs, kisses and sings songs to her husband of 50 years as his brain is eaten away by dementia. He doesn’t have a clue who she is, but she doesn’t care one bit.

Real love is the wife who finds out her husband lost his job and tells him that she is so excited for his future and will do all she can to help him land the next big gig.

Real loves is tough. Real love is strong.

Real love is a choice.

“Falling in love” is NOT real love. That is lust. That is a shot of dopamine hitting your brain like a bullet. That is nature saying, “You must procreate with this human!” It’s brain cocaine. It’s fleeting and very easily fades with time.

The irony is that all good romantic relationships should start with the brain cocaine dopamine hit. They should start with, “Whoa… who is that girl over there??” There should be butterflies and anxiety. If the feelings are reciprocated, this should eventually result in lots of awesome nights together in bed with a sexual freedom only seen with truly compatible people.

Real love presents itself when those insane lustful feelings inevitably start to fade. Real love steps up when life beats you upside the head and makes you want to crawl in bed forever. Real love keeps your head above water.

After you live together for several years, what was once a cute little quirk becomes an irritating habit that makes you want to claw your eyes out. The kids make you want to run out to the woods and scream. Your life at home is just so fucking draining.

That’s when it’s decision time:

“Is this person and our relationship worth the inevitable years of hard work ahead of us? Does it get better?”

Make no mistake, real love IS hard work.  To remain committed and loving to a partner requires a whole series of steps that, frankly, most of us just aren’t cut out to do.

Most of us shouldn’t be in long-term relationships. It’s not for everyone.

Not only is real love not for everyone, it doesn’t happen very often. Contrary to what Hollywood may tell you, REAL LOVE is EXTREEEEEEEMMEEEELLLY rare. Finding two people who enjoy the intense lustful fun of the honeymoon stage AND are able to string together several decades of strong dedication and love… well, that’s like winning the lottery.

I wouldn’t bet on it happening in your lifetime. Sorry if that stings, but it’s the truth.

You don’t just fall into real love. You choose it. You work for it. You EARN it. It’s very tough. Most don’t have the stomach for it. It takes two people deciding to work very hard and work together on a common goal: Stay together and help each other go through life as happy and content as possible.

Falling in love is easy. You literally cannot help it when your brain and penis say, “Whoa… that chick is amazing. I don’t know if I’ve seen anyone hotter. I would totally do her. OMG she just smiled at me.” The woman can’t help it when her brain and hoohah say, “Whoa… that guy is really cute, rich and seems to really like me. I wonder what it would be like to be his wife. Hmmmmm….”

Those thoughts and feelings happen in a millisecond. Nature doing what it’s supposed to do. The falling in love part happens when you take those feelings and combine them with opportunity and willingness to follow-through to the next step.

It doesn’t take much time at all, and almost zero effort to cross that line.

Already in a relationship and experiencing these thoughts about others? Real love means recognizing these perfectly natural feelings of approaching the line, stopping, and turning in the other direction.

Real love means taking those lustful feelings home to your spouse and showing them your sexual side you reserve just for them. Physical intimacy is absolutely crucial for real love. Without it you are buddies.

Real love also means recognizing the extreme importance of those early “in love” feelings and doing all you can to keep them going throughout your relationship. You NEED to keep that fire going. Real love means taking care of yourself and doing all the “shallow” work of looking nice so that your spouse will be happy to show you off. Real love knows you have to sprinkle in lust and anxiety here and there to keep the sexy love engine going. Real love means being true to yourself and your sexuality and being open with your partner about your needs.

Real love means never getting comfortable. All of this could go away in a heartbeat… as many of us have learned.

It’s hard. Most people can’t do the work.

Most people see the end goal of “real love” and think it begins and ends when you say “I DO”. Nope. Not by a long shot. That’s when the real fun begins. That’s when you test the strength of your relationship.

Want kids? That’s the biggest test of all. You’ve just put your marriage on HARD mode. The lure of throwing away all the silly shallow sexy stuff and propping up your Provider role is stronger than ever. That’s a disaster waiting to happen, as those in dead bedrooms can tell you.

Getting older? You’re both not as young and virile as you used to be. She’s not getting catcalls anymore and young gals run away when you try to be friendly with them. As far as the rest of the “sexual marketplace” is concerned, your values just went down the toilet. Do you just say “fuck it” and plop yourself in the recliner for the next 20 years, or do you value your relationship and put in the hard work of trying to be the sexiest damn spouse possible?

Are you worth the effort? Is SHE worth it? Is your relationship worth it?

Times they are a changin’

If the inevitable aging and introduction of kids aren’t enough… modern society has kicked things up a notch for you. It’s now tougher than ever to maintain and nurture REAL love.

Thanks to social media and that stupid supercomputer phone in your pocket, temptation is just one tap or swipe away. Your wife knows this truth better than anyone.

Men are desperate. Men will bang a knothole in a tree if they have to. They see a tired mom who was worn down by life, and all it takes is “Hey there, sexy. Haven’t seen you in YEARS!” on the Facebook messenger and your wife’s dormant sexual engine gets started right back up.

Nothing wears down the boundaries of a woman like a dull and predictable marriage to a dull and predictable husband. What is comfortable real love to the boring husband is life-questioning unfulfillment to his wife.

Yes, the man that everyone says is a loser is able to pull your beloved wife away from the foundation of real love that have you built together all these years.

That is the delicate nature of real love. It is no match for falling “in love”. The drug is way too powerful. All it takes is one side to walk away, and it’s all over. Years, if not decades of marital equity wiped out with one steamy sexting session with that guy from the bar.

It takes two to tango.

Most guys I work with had the end goal of “Real Love” in mind when they married. They wanted nothing more than to be the comfortable loving grandparents sitting on the porch watching their grandkids play in the front yard. Then they get blindsided when they find out their spouse opted out of the agreement and instead pursued the instant gratification of “falling in love” with an affair partner.

Why would she DO that?!

What was once viewed as so strong and comfortable is now a piece of trash that can be easily tossed into the waste bin.

Real love… it ain’t for everybody.

You picked somebody who got a whiff of excitement and decided to pursue the life of momentary excitement over the inevitable years of hard work. They let nature take over and rode the “falling in love” wave right outta your life.  It may have taken years, but they finally showed you what they are made of, and it’s not good.

They’re not cut out for real love. Lesson learned.

You’re not the first to go down this road, and you most certainly won’t be the last.

I cringe every time I see a poor guy emotionally vomiting on Facebook after he’s been dumped. If he’s lucky enough to get responses (nobody gives a shit), SOMEBODY will inevitably say “You will find true love again! Trust me!”

Sigh.

Immediately, people are saying to our poor sap, “You know what the cure for being dumped is? Falling in love with another woman and trying again!” This is the absolute last thing these men need to hear.

Most of my readers have some type of childhood baggage that has programmed them to look for REAL love above all else in life. They sacrifice their dignity, their masculinity, and their sanity in order to achieve the prize that they feel is their god-given right.

Even if that means putting up with a cheating spouse and groveling at her feet when she has such obvious disdain for him, he will hang on for dear life. She’s busy kicking away at his ribs repeatedly saying, “I. DON’T. LOVE. YOU.” He’s coughing up blood while screaming, “BUT… WE HAVE REAL LOVE!”

When finally kicked to the curb for good, these men try to immediately stop the bleeding with another woman.

He wants so badly to win the lottery. He keeps buying scratch-offs and tickets for the MegaBucks/Powerball weekly drawing. instead, he should spend that money on a therapist and a gym membership.

As I’ve said many times… it’s not until you have harmony and balance within yourself that you have an opportunity to find real love. Until then, you just find women to fill a hole. Women aren’t spackle. They’re human beings. They’re flawed. The more you NEED them to fix what ails you, the more FLAWED your partner is likely to be. The woman who you meet and decide to move in with 3 months after meeting her is more likely to have the kind of baggage that will bring you and everything you love down the toilet.

You don’t NEED real love to function. You don’t NEED it to thrive. You don’t NEED it to be a man.

The more you don’t NEED something, the more likely you are to find it.

Such is life.

Porn

Eugene the porn addict

Meet Eugene.

Eugene will be the first to tell you that he doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. In fact, for all intents and purposes, he is worthless in the mating game. For years he has watched everyone else out there being happy and getting laid. He spends month after month, year after year, alone. No companionship. No intimacy.

His very human needs are not being met.

He’s not dumb. He sees what it takes to get women attracted to him, but he feels it’s just not worth the effort. He just wasn’t made to be a Lover. He’s resigned himself to his lower status.

But, he still has needs.

To relieve the tension, he has resorted to watching his hotter, more attractive friends have sex while he masturbates. That’s right… Couples get naked and have crazy sex while he sits in the corner, hunched over, masturbating like a monkey. They never acknowledge his presence, let alone ask him to join in. He’s basically invisible. He’s cool with that. Everyone agrees on this arrangement beforehand.

He finishes. Doesn’t take long. He leaves. He may leave a little money on the way out the door. Usually not.

He does this daily. Every single day he finds somebody to watch have sex. Sometimes it’s the same couple. Sometimes he likes to mix it up, maybe throw in a dwarf, two or more women together, or maybe some extreme bondage. His tastes seem to get more extreme as time goes on. There’s never a shortage of people willing to help him out.

After doing this for years, this has become his sole means of reaching orgasm. He can’t do it any other way.

This, my friends, is porn.

When viewing porn, you are admitting your lower sexual status. You are throwing your hands up in resignation and saying, “Ok, can I just sit here and pleasure myself while you way more attractive people do all the hard work? I won’t bother you. “ It’s like sexual welfare.

Porn is like that two-way mirror that they use in police interrogation rooms. You’re on one side jerking off while the hot people are on the other side having the time of their lives. They don’t see you, but they know you’re there. They’ll even angle their bodies towards you to give you a better view. Then they’ll all laugh at you when you leave the building. “He’ll be back, they say. “He always comes back. Pathetic.”

You’re addicted.

You can also think of porn as a drug. Like alcohol, some of us can have a little taste one night and forget about it for weeks or months at a time. It’s just a social lubricant and makes things relaxing and fun. For some of us, we have a drink not just to unwind or hang out with friends, but to self-medicate. We have anxiety issues or insecurities that alcohol does a very good job of mending (temporarily).

Booze saves you the hard work of dealing with your deep-seated issues like a grownup. Why go through all the trouble of real introspection and therapy when you can have a few beers on a nightly basis? Everybody does it, right?

The problem with booze is that it’s ok in small doses, but can quickly lead to a HUGE number of problems if taken to the next level. Unfortunately, the “next level” is hard to define. It varies greatly from person to person. Everyone with a drinking problem will tell you how it just “snuck up” on them and one day they found they couldn’t function normally without it.

Porn is the exact same way.

With porn, you’re avoiding dealing with the main issue that is staring you directly in the face:

You’re not getting laid.

More specifically,  you’re not doing things necessary to GET laid. Instead, you’re just doing things that cause you to have an orgasm.

There’s a huge difference between having a real intimate relationship with another human being (even if maybe just for one night) and being hunched over in front of your glowing laptop. Actual sex is the natural result of a fun and drawn-out dating game of socializing with other people. You eventually allow enough trust and attraction to build up so that you can get naked with another human and rub your dirty bits together.

What’s not natural is feeling that itch for intimacy, firing up your computer, and reaching orgasm within minutes. Your brain and body weren’t setup for such an arrangement. Much like eating Cheetohs… or drinking way too much vodka.

Who is the typical porn consumer?

As I see it, there are two kinds of regular porn users:

1. I can’t get sex. I need relief. Porn is a quick way to get what I need. I have grown accustomed to it. It’s the same as having my morning cup of coffee. I’m legitimately addicted to porn.

2. I am married or have a girlfriend. I can get sex if I tried… But it’s just easier to rub one out instead of going through all the trouble of being intimate with my partner. Yes, I use porn regularly. Maybe even every day. But… I don’t have a problem. I have sex with my wife, after all. Sometimes.

#2 is becoming more and more common. These guys are like alcoholics in denial. They have a giant bottle of vodka hidden in their office and don’t think it’s a big deal.  Hey, everybody drinks, right? No, they don’t tell their loved ones about it. Yes, they feel some shame about it… But, again,  it’s no big deal, right?

Ask their partner if it’s a big deal.

There’s a growing Dead Bedroom community of sex-hungry wives and girlfriends online crying about their men repeatedly turning them down for sex. What’s most disturbing to them is that their man has a huge internet porn habit. The wife is told that he is just so tired from work and can’t think about sex. She then goes to his internet browser history and sees link after link of gangbang porn he watched just ten minutes ago. She is crushed.

The quick drug of streaming porn gave him the relief he desired, and now he no longer feels the need for the very real flesh and bone of the woman he loves. He has short-circuited his brain. His natural inclination is to find women and try to have sex with them. Thanks to modern technology and the free market system, he has found a MUCH easier way to achieve the same end result. He’s able to skip steps A – Y and jump right to Z.

This is not a good thing.

The gap between the guys at the top of the Dude Pyramid (who get all the girls) and those at the bottom is widening rapidly. There’s a myriad of reasons why. Most men are out of shape, tired, uninteresting, and lack the oomph they need to crawl up the ladder and better themselves. Porn is a huge component of why this is happening.

You watch porn all the time? Congrats. You’re Eugene.  The porn producers are preying upon your human nature. They have engineered their product in a way that keeps you coming back again and again… while they shove their dick-growing pill advertisements in your face.

They know you’re insecure and not getting any. They know precisely what buttons to push to get you coming back every day and possibly forking over a few bucks in the process.

You’re in the sub-basement level of the Dude Pyramid.You’re down there with the degenerates, weirdos and social misfits that all of society says “Ew, go away” to.

Cut this shit out of your life.

Don’t be another fucking Eugene. Be a man. Go get laid.

“My Wife Wants An Open Marriage”

More and more I’m seeing the topic of “Open Marriages” come up from men online. Unlike what many people may think, it’s not the men making the case for sleeping with other women, but rather husbands caught off guard by what they thought was a seemingly happy wife pushing them to “allow” her to have sex with other men. “Hey,” the wife explains, “You can have sex with other women now, too!”

The man is confused, scared, angry… and yet… intrigued.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s dive into the nitty gritty of this alternative lifestyle choice and why it is now so much out in the open and what it means for YOU.

The concept of an “open” marriage is not a new one. Two people being together in marriage but open to sex with others has been around (but kpt hush-hush) since… well… forever. It wasn’t until the 1972 book Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples came out that a how-to guide for these adventuresome couples was created and the concept further thrusted into popular culture. This was in the midst of a huge sexual revolution in America… the 60’s and 70’s. The baby boomers were challenging, well… everything. If it was “normal” it was “a drag”. Is there an institution that is more “normal” than good old-fashioned marriage?

Let’s not confuse people in open marriages with swingers. Unlike swingers, open marriage couples have fun without the other partner. Swingers go to parties together and possibly have sex with others in front of their partner. People in an open marriage go out and have dates and casual sex without the presence of the marriage partner.

What do the two have in common? Both are very strict about one rule: “We are married. We are partners. We are primarily with each other. Doing things with others is just sex. It’s just fun. That’s it. Our communication is always open and we do everything to avoid the complications of becoming attached to others outside of our marriage.”

As with most things in life, it ain’t that easy. This is especially true when sex is involved.

With the 1980’s came the Reagan era and AIDS. The party was over. Studio 54 emptied out, the bathhouses closed up shop and the sexually adventurous all got scared and went home. People they loved were dying and relationships were falling apart left and right. Hey… maybe boring monogamous marriage is ok after all? Seems to be a lot less trouble, at least.

The authors of Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, reassessed things and came out with the follow-up book called The Marriage Premise. They conducted follow-up interviews with couples they spotlighted in their first book… and it wasn’t pretty. Most of the couples were not honest with each other about their extramarital affairs (so much for open communication and not getting feelings involved), and as a consequence, most of the marriages did not survive. The authors were upset that so many people took the concept of “open marriage” and defined it as “go out and have sex with whoever, there are no consequences”. They saw the concept more as “be individuals that have experiences outside of the marriage… oh, and that might mean sex with others, too.” Understandably, everyone saw “SEX WITH OTHERS” and went hog wild.

Wow. Who saw that coming?

Fast forward to today, and the social climate has changed dramatically since the 70’s. Women are more powerful than ever. They are the majority of our university students, they occupy high levels in the corporate world and they have stay-at-home husbands that take care of their kids.

With all these changes comes dramatic shifts in our relationship dynamics.

Many men point at times like the 1950’s as the Shangri la of marriage past. The man works and the wife stays home and cares for the kids. Divorce rates were much lower. Everything just clicked into place. What they fail to mention is that women weren’t necessarily happy with the situation, but the social pressure and lack of financial options may have left them trapped in unfulfilling marriages. She could divorce and be a broke social pariah… or stick it out and raise a family and try to enjoy life.

Both the social and the economic barriers to divorce have been broken down. Women now file for 70% of all divorces… even higher if she is college-educated.

Today we have a pervasive theme that has both good and bad repercussions. That theme is a deadly combo of “you go girl” and “you deserve it all”. When society tells you that your nagging feelings of doubt and unfulfillment are not only legitimate but can and SHOULD also be acted upon… well, that can be a recipe for disaster for the unsuspecting husband.

To summarize: We’re seeing a rise in women telling their husbands: “I would like to go out and test the waters to see what else is out there… but I don’t want to blow up this comfortable marriage we have going on here. At least, not until I know I have a for sure thing lined up. Cool?” In the past, this would result in a one-way ticket to DivorceTown, USA and a lifetime of social shame and financial struggle.

Today, it’s an empowering statement and realization of her own sexuality.

I did a search for “Open Marriage” and saw article after article that came up with the same basic conclusion:

“You know… maybe an open marriage isn’t such a bad idea.”

Is the cultural zeitgeist shifting? Is society overall more open and accepting of relationships that fall outside of the monogamous template we’ve known all these generations?

No. Actually, if the General Social Survey is to be believed, people today are more intolerant of sexual relationships outside of marriage than they were back in the free and sexy 70’s.

These articles weren’t based on research of hundreds of couple interviews with thousands of data points to digest. No, they stopped at, “She felt trapped, she wanted something more, she heard about open marriage and wanted to try it… and that’s ok.”  To say that Sally’s thoughts and feeling MAY NOT be 100% A-OK and could actually be destructive to the relationship would go against the much larger and more inclusive/progressive theme of “Anything goes… no judging here… be free.” In other words, telling Sally “Well, that’s a stupid thing to ask. Perhaps you’re just not cut out for marriage.” results in being labeled an oppressive misogynist.

Maybe we’re jumping the gun here and assuming the worst. These are genuine feelings that Sally and thousands of other women like her are experiencing on a regular basis. Maybe the strict confines of a traditional marriage are too much to bear. Hey, men always want to sleep around, right? They like porn and strip clubs and other outlets for their sexuality. That’s the equivalent of cheating in many women’s eyes. Maybe it’s time women tried out a more sexually free lifestyle. Life is short. Why be miserable?

Maybe your wife has genuine sexual desire that she feels can’t be confined to your one-on-one relationship. Maybe THAT’s why your sex life is so dull. Maybe she just feels trapped. Maybe she absolutely still loves you and her sleeping around will go on for years and years and you two will continue to grow closer and closer emotionally and live happily ever after.

It’s possible, sure.

I’ve never seen it play out like that.

In fact, based on what I have seen again and again, I feel confident enough to say:

A wife asking for an open marriage signals the beginning of the end of the marriage. She’s breaking up with you.

The wife is so confident in her ability to dictate the rules of the relationship (she lost respect for you long ago), that she tells you she wants to have sex with other men but still keep you around for the other non-sexual resources she needs.

She is bluntly telling you, You are a great Provider, but I need more Lover. Don’t go anywhere. Not yet, anyway. I need you for all that non-Lover stuff right now.”

I can’t think of anything more hurtful to a man, to be honest. Your wife is, in essence, leaving the romantic relationship… and telling you to put your feelings on hold right now while she figures things out.

Why is she doing this?

More than likely, this means that another relationship candidate has already been lined up. She would normally just have an affair behind your back… but that can get messy. This absolves her of any guilt or shame. It also keeps the logistics of her life in order until she can figure things out.

The wife is not stupid. She knows that asking “Can I sleep around?” will probably be met with “Are you out of your god damned mind?” So, she says what all women in this position say:

“You know, you can have sex with other women, too!”

Before she can finish the sentence, the dumb husband is already fantasizing about that one girl at the gym, that one cashier at the grocery store and that chick that smiled at him that one time at his kid’s basketball game.

Men can be so delusional.

He envisions a buffet of hot women at his disposal. A veritable conga line of hoohah ready for him to sample whenever he likes. This will be the sex life he has always fantasized about! It’ll be just like porn!

But, wait… that means his wife has sex with other men. That’s not good. Oh well… he can deal with that jealousy when it comes. The buffet awaits. This will be amazing.

TRUTH: THE FANTASY RARELY, IF EVER, PANS OUT FOR THE MAN.

You and your wife are living in two completely different worlds. Even if you look amazing, you’re charming, you talk a great game and have lots of cash to use on your dates… your success in dating will pale in comparison to your wife’s.

She’s going to get laid. A lot. You will not. It’s just that simple.

If you were the type of guy that could go out and get laid so easily, your wife probably wouldn’t be asking for an open marriage.

Fast forward to six months after you agree to the new arrangement, and you have a grand total of one woman that you had a series of dates with and one awful night of sex. It probably turned you off from the whole idea completely, but you don’t dare tell the wife. You innately know that your lack of success in dating will paint you as a lower status than her. That will be extremely unattractive.

Your wife, on the other hand, had many steamy nights of sex with the one guy she had already begun a relationship with. That didn’t work out, so she cried in the arms of another guy she kinda knew… a friend of a friend… and that resulted in a two-month affair that also fizzled out. While she was out with her girlfriends drinking her sorrows away, she met two more men she exchanged numbers with and ended up having sex with them both over the next two weeks.

You get the idea. Not the same ballgame. Combine a world of desperately horny men and a wife with zero boundaries and her new “I get to have sex guilt-free” card, and you are in for a world of trouble.

Please keep in mind one important thing: What your wife is doing is NOT just enjoying casual sex with zero interest in commitment. She is most likely looking for a replacement partner. Something or somebody pushed her buttons and her “must procure new mate” programming is off and running. She is back on the market and she won’t stop until she gets the guy that will check all the boxes. That’s when you’ll get the crying wife at home apologizing and telling you that she didn’t MEAN to fall in love with this guy, but it just happened.

There MAY be women out there who can casually date and have sex outside of the marriage and be completely unfazed and return home to husband with zero attachment to the other man. I have never seen nor have I ever heard about this scenario playing out successfuly. I just don’t feel that the majority of women are wired for such an arrangement.

MGTOW, Incels & Red Pill… Oh My!

If you’re a man that has been hurt by women and you’re scouring the internet looking for answers, then the terms “MGTOW”, “Incels” and “Red Pill” have surely come up on your computer screen more than a few times. I was first introduced to this world a few years ago after spewing forth some of my awesome DSO advice to some young guy who was cheated on in an internet forum. A female reader replied that it was just “Red Pill B.S.” and the original poster should ignore me completely.

Huh. Well, alright then…

**Googling “Red Pill”**

I know that the majority of what I am saying on this site is not new, but I prefer to call it “stuff your dad should’ve taught you” and not “Red Pill”, much less “Red Pill B.S.”.

But, let’s back up… what the hell do these terms mean, anyway?

MGTOW = Men Going Their Own Way

In essence, it’s a disorganized movement of men who have watched and digested all there is about the mating game in today’s world … and decided it’s just not worth the hassle. Throw in some men’s rights stuff, some misogyny, some horrible stories about getting their life savings taken away by an ex-wife and raising kids that ended up not being theirs… and you start to get the picture.

These guys tried relationships, failed miserably, and just said “F this noise.”

After a few stories, you come away thinking “Maybe they have a point…” They are basically pushing the forth what all experienced men innately know: Being a single dude that has his act together… Is pretty damn awesome. Do what you want when you want to do it. Save money. Spend money on what you want. Do whoever you want (as long as it doesn’t lead to a relationship). It IS an intoxicating and carnally rewarding lifestyle. The problem is that it is, in my opinion, somewhat fleeting. There’s always a little itch that needs to be scratched, and women and romantic relationships fill that need (at least for me and many men like me).

I’ll be the first to admit that relationships with women come with a price, and sometimes it is a high price indeed, but it’s in my opinion that these negatives are not insurmountable, and certainly not worthy of throwing out an entire institution that has been around for millennia.

Incels = Involuntary Celibate

These are the worrisome ones. They’re the guys who, for whatever reason, feel that an intimate relationship with a woman SHOULD be theirs for the taking… but it has unwittingly alluded them for WAY too long. They will often point at their good-hearted nature and “nice guy” ways and how everyone tells them their current gameplan of being socially awkward and strange SHOULD be working, but it sure as hell isn’t.

What is happening here is natural. There’s a hierarchy at play in the dating world. It’s not pretty. It’s not nice. It’s been around forever. The hierarchy is basically a dude pyramid. The few guys at the top get most of the top-quality women. Guys in the middle get the crumbs. Guys toward the bottom…. well, they are the ones who the $8,000 sex dolls are made for.

This hierarchical structure has been around and understood forever. It’s just “the way it is”. Somewhere along the line, whether due to outside influences (like Hollywood movies) or a rampant “I DESERVE” mentality, these guys threw out the whole notion of the dude pyramid and said “Well, it’s just not fair. F this pyramid. Where’s my sex? I want it now.” There’s no attempt to better themselves. They see no way out of their predicament. It’s just the way they are, and they’re not going to change and they sure as hell shouldn’t have to.

The nerds got really serious… and it’s kinda scary.

Take a testosterone-fueled human, dangle the carrot of sexual release in front of his face, tell him repeatedly that romance will solve many of his ills, and then show him in no uncertain terms that he has little value or worth in the mating game (he is in the basement of the pyramid)… and THEN get a bunch of these guys together to compare notes.

Not good.

They HATE the guys at the top of the pyramid. Despise them. They hate the women that reward these men with sex EVEN MORE. The recent vehicle terrorist attack in Toronto was a self-professed Incel that was done with life and ready to go out with a bang.

We really need to make prostitution legal.

The Red Pill

Remember the movie “The Matrix”? In it, Neo is presented with the option of taking the Blue Pill and staying in the fake dream world or taking the Red Pill and seeing what really goes on behind the curtain. Morpheus warns Neo that if he chooses Red,  there’s no going back. His world will never be the same.

The internet Red Pill community (their home base is on Reddit) is a bunch of mostly younger dudes who, through the power of observation and life experience, have learned that… holy crap… women suck just as much as men! They can be sociopaths and psychos, too! In fact, holy balls… women and men are in many ways WAAAY different and have different needs and instinctual drives that govern their behavior! In fact, if we learn this stuff and strip away all the useless fluff we’ve been taught… we can have more productive and better relationships with these women and get laid like kings!

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Kinda harmless and a lot like what I say if I’m being honest. The problem is that it’s young guys we’re talking about here, and for every Red Pill Reddit post citing PubMed articles about the role of hormones in behavior, there is another post saying, “All women with nose rings are filthy whores.” It’s young guys we’re talking about here. They were badly hurt by women. Women were supposed to all be super awesome delicate flowers and perfection. Their world was turned upside down. They “swallowed the pill” and saw life for what it really was.

Yes, they see it as being that dramatic. They are freaked out. They can’t shut up about it.

I would say 75% of what they say is right on the money. It’s evolutionary psychology, pick up artist technique, fitness advice and financial wisdom all rolled into one. It’s a bunch of young dudes who, ironically, have really put women in their life WAY up on a pedestal and have constructed their entire internet lives around the purpose of getting into their pants.

They won’t admit it. They will say all their advice is for self-improvement and finding their way in life, but the reality is that the end goal is sex, and possibly a long-term relationship with a really good woman (they refer to such women as “unicorns”, due to their scarcity).

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MGTOW, Incels and Red Pill. Young men trying to find their way in the baseball game of life.

One group took struck out at the plate and promptly went home.

One group wasn’t even allowed at the plate. They’re in the dugout putting poison in their own team’s Gatorade.

One group is researching what the scientifically best bat grip is, who manufactures the best cleats and how to best run around the bases when they DO hit their first homerun. Oh, and the pitcher is a filthy whore.

Why Did She “Affair Down”?

Many times, when a guy tells me about his wife’s affair partner, he will start rattling off reasons why the loser is the absolute opposite of what you would expect from a “typical” affair partner:

1. He has a horrible job.
2. Everyone thinks he’s a loser.
3. He lives with his parents.
4. He’s not that great looking.
5. He has a criminal record.

Most of the betrayed husband’s observations can be summarized as, “He’ll never be a good provider for her. He’s a terrible prospect for a serious long-term relationship.” This goes against the common belief that a woman is always looking to “upgrade” to a better man if given the chance (a phenomenon known as Hypergamy). This guy doesn’t seem to be an upgrade in any sense of the word.

That’s precisely the first thing that draws her to him. He’s not the Provider. He’s not a long-term relationship candidate. He’s not a dad. He’s not her husband.

He’s her Lover.

Any “player” type of guy with no sense of morals will tell you one universal truth:

The easiest women to “pick up” are married women.

Why? The player doesn’t have to compete with thousands of other guys… just one.

Husband is caring, kinda boring, sweet, and a great father? Then just be dangerous, kind of a jerk, adventurous, and let her know in no uncertain terms that you think kids suck.

If he catches the right wife at the right time, the “must mate with this man” buttons are pushed in a big way. Surprisingly easy, actually.

Next thing you know she’s getting a tattoo, researching cosmetic surgery, starts making more disrespectful comments towards the husband and spends less time with the kids.

So, exactly what is going on here? What happened is that the Loser Lover stumbled upon a woman that was perfectly ripe and ready for plucking from the fidelity tree. For a variety of reasons, her boundaries were broken down to the point where she was willing to be intimate with a man whose sole criteria was, “Not my husband. Nothing like my husband. Just help me get away from all this awfulness in my life. Make me feel alive again.”

More to the point, the Loser Lover is not doing things to appease her. He doesn’t live FOR her. He’s not part of THAT world. Not even a little bit. He’s independent. He’s mysterious. He brings about some anxiety… but in a good way. In a thrilling way. In a dangerous way.

“So, wait a minute…” every exhausted husband says. “For years now, she’s been pleading with me to do all these things for her and the kids. Be more thoughtful. Be nicer. Be more helpful. Be a better dad. I bend over backward to accommodate her and to keep her complaining to a minimum… and the next thing she does is run off and have an affair with the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of all of that AND blow up our family in the process?! Seriously?!”

Yep.

Remember, this is emotion we’re talking about. Human nature. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to rationalize it. You can’t win.

Your woman gave you subversive signals and tests throughout your relationship. These came in the form of complaints, hissy fits and appeals for you to connect with her emotionally and to validate her feelings. There were also tests to measure your fortitude under pressure.

You probably failed these tests. Repeatedly.

On top of that, your woman probably has a great deal of personal baggage. Daddy issues. Substance abuse, maybe. Probably issues with overeating and/or spending money. She’s always looking for the next dopamine hit or something to silence her negative anxiety for just a brief moment. She’s never truly dealt with her lingering childhood issues and so the baggage builds and builds, and her self-damaging behaviors begin to bubble up, and she eventually crosses the line in the worst way.

Unbeknownst to the perfectly normal and not-a-total-loser husband, he is at the epicenter of the “I’ve just about had enough of all this all this B.S.” emotional storm that is in his wife’s head. Justified or not, he represents all that is wrong. He is why she has “lost herself”. He is the cause of having to continuously give and give and not feel appreciated. He is why she no longer feels like an attractive woman but instead like a doting mom and a fat nagging wife.

Her husband just doesn’t GET her and apparently never will.

She is trapped. This is not how this “married life” was supposed to be.

Then along comes relief. This is something different. No, it’s not an awesome surprise or gift from the husband. There’s way too much resentment built up and no way for poor hubby to overcome it. Even if husband gave her an all-inclusive trip to Tahiti with round-the-clock massages and all the cocktails she can handle, she would still roll her eyes every five minutes and complain that the masseuse is too rough, the drinks are too weak, the sun is too hot, and she feels fat in her swimsuit.

Instead, relief comes in the form of the bartender with a horrible prison tattoo on his neck. He says, “I don’t remember seeing your sexy self in here before” while she was out having cosmos with her girlfriends.

That’s all it takes.

Her “have affair” button was right on the cusp of getting pushed all the way down (and had been for quite a while), and Dumbface McLoserstein comes along and slams it down with a gusto.

“HIM?!” everyone asks. Well, yeah. Who else would it be?

You thought she was going to be able to snag some billionaire fitness model with a strong jawline and a 140 IQ? No, he’s at the top of the dude pyramid. To him, your wife isn’t even a blip on the “woman I would take to bed” radar. Sorry if that’s insulting, but you’ve been wearing the rose-colored marriage goggles for a while. You’re not living in reality.

What about another guy like you with a good job, a good heart, a good reputation and decent looks? What, you mean a “normal” guy? No. Most normal guys can smell crazy and “ready to blow up and shove a fork in my eye if I say the wrong thing to her” a mile away. Your wife has a ton of baggage and is ready to pop. We ALL see it. You’ve been blind to it for a while, but the rest of us haven’t.

Finally, here comes Mr. Right. This guy has a freight train full of his own baggage. He probably has his share of mommy issues, addictions and constant chasing of dopamine hits. A “thrill seeker”, but not in any good way. Because of that, he doesn’t judge. He doesn’t care one iota about what kind of dinner she makes for her kids, whether or not she is 20 lbs overweight, what kind of grades her kids get, or whether her kids are in too many sports.

Your wife is not a catch. She is a loser. How do I know? Because she threw away her life for the chance to have an affair with a loser. That’s a pretty strong “I am not a prize” signal right there.

She “affairs down” because SHE is down there, too. She always has been. Her affair was lateral, not vertical. She found a “soul mate”, if maybe just for an evening.

You can’t see it now, but you will soon enough. Her spell over you will fade and you will be left with an overwhelming sense of “What in the sam hell was I thinking?”

You’re not alone. You’re a good dude who made a big mistake. That’s life. You ignored lots of red flags and allowed a human into your world that was WAY below your level. You were just too dumb, too love-struck and too GOOD of a guy to see it.

Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?

Anthony Bourdain

For those of you living under a rock, Anthony Bourdain, famous chef, author and TV personality, was found dead on Friday, June 8 in his hotel room in France. He was in the middle of shooting an episode of his popular CNN television show “Parts Unknown” with his best friend and fellow chef, Eric Ripert. Instead of meeting Eric and the crew for their normal group breakfast at the hotel, he hanged himself. Eric found him after he had already passed.

Tony was, by all accounts, a very interesting character.

He was an addict. He beat a horrible heroin and crack addiction.  He was never truly “sober”. Anyone who watched his shows can tell you that he never met a bottle he didn’t like. Fellow addicts were surprised at his openness with drinking. Typically, addicts know that they have to set limits to their behavior or else they will go down that dark path again. Tony seemed to laugh at that notion. Hey, he kicked heroin and crack. What more do you want from the guy? Try traveling all over the world and not drinking. Good luck with that.

He was passionate.  He loved what he did. He worked extremely hard on both his television show and his writing. He was gifted at both.  He loved the food. He loved the people. He loved the travel. He was not always the most outgoing and extroverted man in the room, but you could tell that he greatly enjoyed the time he spent with the groups of people that he called friends all over the world.  He loved to learn and he loved sharing it with his viewers and readers.

He was a sensitive guy. Beneath the “punk rock” persona he seemed so keen on cultivating and maintaining, there was a very sensitive and sweet guy. I’m reminded of the episode of No Reservations where he visited Spain. Throughout the show, he spoke in glowing terms about the quality of the food he was eating on a daily basis. He said chefs all over the world would “shit the bed” when they saw how lucky he was to eat all these magnificent dishes. At the end of the episode, he is having dinner and wine with his fellow chefs and proclaims it as being one of the happiest times of his life. His friend gives him a loving kiss and at that moment you see the real Tony. He felt true love in his heart for these people.

He fell DEEPLY in love with women. Tony wanted it all. He wanted to spend an inordinate amount of time on his passion and craft, and to also have the love and adoration of a woman. He wanted to be a husband. He tried marriage. Twice. After his first marriage ended, he publicly admitted in interviews that he experienced a deep depression that made him suicidal. He medicated himself with drunken benders and trips to French brothels to ease the pain.

Soon after, he found his second wife, a spunky Sardinian woman named Ottavia. By her own admission, she first came to the U.S. chasing a “bad boy” rocker type. She had no money and could barely speak the language. No relationship blossomed from her adventures with the wannabe Irish rocker, so she ended up working jobs in various restaurants to make ends meet. That is where she met Tony.  They both shared interests (booze, smoking, and partying) and quickly fell in love. Several days after meeting, they got matching tattoos. After a few more dates, they got married.

It was during this marriage that Tony went from simply famous to “household name” level of fame.  Ottavia was happily along for the ride. She would give birth to his first and only child.

Cooking shows were big on TV. You couldn’t turn on cable TV without seeing two chefs going at it in a contest to make the best risotto. It seemed that Tony was on every other show as a guest judge. He had his own show on the Travel Channel. The show won an Emmy. Then he later moved over to CNN for a giant pile of money. His travel schedule became even more hectic. He also continued with his writing, publishing several works of fiction and non-fiction.

Anthony Bourdain and OttaviaDuring this time, he and the wife grew distant. She needed an outlet for her “aggression” (her words) and decided to take up Jiu Jitsu and later MMA fighting. While Tony was off eating strange foods and tipping back drinks all over the world (and earning a hefty payday), his wife was rolling around with younger men and documenting it for the world to see. Arguably not the best behavior from a wife, but the social media world took notice and she became the “you go girl!” poster child for bored moms everywhere. Even publications like the NY Times featured her in articles.

Tony also took notice and decided it was best to join her on the mat instead of just following her on Instagram. He applied his focus and hard-working mindset to Jiu Jitsu and ended up doing very well, impressing everyone by eventually earning his blue belt and winning tournaments… a monumental feat for someone in their late 50’s, let alone somebody with such a prolific work schedule.

He got into amazing shape, lost 35 lbs, and cut down considerably on his drinking. He looked like a new person.

All of his changes were not enough. At the age of 60, Tony separated from Ottavia. He contends it was mutual. They had simply spent too much time apart (also the reason for his failed first marriage). She had her life and he had his. Somehow they made it work long enough to raise a child together, but they weren’t being truthful if they said they were a married couple.

In true Tony fashion, he quickly latched on to a replacement girlfriend. In Asia Argento (a member of the crew for his Rome episode of “Parts Unknown” and self-proclaimed “witch”), Tony found a kindred spirit. In no time at all, he had stumbled upon another Italian beauty 20 years his junior who shared his passion for travel and all things “punk”. They were both “circus freaks”, in Tony’s words. Misfits. Misunderstood people who came from privileged backgrounds (Asia’s father was a famous filmmaker) but tried their damndest to prove themselves to the world through their work.

Tony had found his soul mate.

Asia came with baggage. Lots of baggage. Picture the luggage-sorting facility at JFK airport. Now triple that. That was Asia.

Tony became her biggest champion during her very public #METOO campaign against slimeball Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. Tony used his gift of writing to take to social media and penned articles in support of Asia and her cause. He wouldn’t hesitate to gloat about her accomplishments and how proud he was of her for being so brave and outspoken against Weinstein during the horrible rape allegations.

anthony bourdain asia argentoAround this time, Tony’s public persona became much more political and much more outspoken about social justice causes. At the ripe age of 61, his rebellious punk persona was in full swing.

With Asia, he found a new sense of youth he lost years ago.

It was at this time that friends would later admit they were concerned about Tony’s obsessive love for Asia.

Tony wouldn’t be the first boyfriend of Asia’s to speak out against Weinstein. Years ago, Asia confided in her boyfriend Vincent Gallo (another misfit Hollywood filmmaker) about the awful things that Weinstein did to her and other women in the industry. Vincent then went public with his disgust and outed Weinstein. His prize was an angry Asia who denounced Vincent, denied the claims of abuse, and then went back into the arms of Harvey. This is all well before the famous #METOO movement.

Yep. Baggage. Lots of it.

To a man with a strong head on his shoulders and a healthy sense of self-respect, a gal like Asia is what we call “bad news” or “has more flags than a communist parade“. To a guy like Tony, she was heroin. She was a pretty, young, dangerous, confident, strange and outspoken woman who just loved Tony for all his quirks. Here was this girl who shared his love and passion for the very thing that supposedly ended his first two marriages: his work. FINALLY a woman who not only checks all the boxes, but one who won’t later resent him for doing what he does best.

Dammit, it took him 60 years, but he finally found the right gal to make his dreams come true.

She made him feel alive, and he would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her.

On May 26, 2018, Anthony and Asia wrapped up work on an episode of “Parts Unknown” in Italy. Afterward, he headed off to France to start work on the next episode. Asia headed off to her home in Rome. Social media posts show they are still very much a couple.

Asia ArgentoOn June 2, Asia is spotted and photographed in Rome in the arms of Hugo Clement, a young French journalist. She askes the paparazzo to delete the photos that were taken. He refuses. She is photographed over the next three days coming in and out of a hotel with Hugo. The same hotel she had frequented with Tony over the past year.

On June 5, the photos hit the internet for the world to see. Tony stops posting on social media and unfollows Asia. His friends say he is in a “dark mood”.

On June 7, he misses a dinner with the crew and his best friend Eric.

On June 8, he fails to make breakfast. Eric finds him hanging in his hotel room.

 

Do I blame Asia? No. She was just doing what crazy people do. They spot good-hearted, easy to manipulate people… chew them up and spit them out. Then they find their next victim. That’s just their nature.

Tony was broken. Tony was smart. Tony was gifted. Tony was a hard worker that provided for his loved ones. Tony was passionate.

All of this was brought down by one thing: He hung all of his sanity on the shoulders of his “soul mate”. When that inevitably collapsed, he had nowhere else to go. He had nothing to hope for. Love was gone. Joy was gone. He had his work, but that paled in comparison to the high of being in a loving relationship with a woman who truly understood him.

When Asia snuck away with another man, that was, in Tony’s mind, the universe’s way of pointing and laughing at his good fortune. It was all just a big practical joke.

In his mind, he did everything by the book. He followed his passion. When that didn’t work, he was lucky enough to find the perfect life partner. He jumped on the rare opportunity to start over and gladly molded himself to become a “better man” for her.

She laughed and spit in his face.

He reached the pinnacle of professional success, but the lifelong goal of true romance eluded him.

For all this positive traits, for all he accomplished in life… Tony still needed the love of a woman to complete him.

That’s what killed him.

He may have kicked heroin, but he never truly got clean.