Dead Bedroom Fix: The Importance of Getting Away

Estimated Reading Time: 7 minutes

Here’s a scenario I’ve heard more than a few times:

A husband is tired of the same old no sex excuses and promises from his wife. “Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, ok? I’m just tired.” This has been going on for months, if not years. He seeks out help online, and finds my book, “The Dead Bedroom Fix”. He reads it a few times, starts to implement the suggestions, and lo and behold… he has more sex! Just like the book said it may happen. One day the switch was flipped and the wife actually initiated sex with him. Holy shit. Sure, he’s slipped a little here and there over the months, but overalll… way more sex than before. Frequency has been 2-3 times per week on average… so he really can’t complain. Or can he? As I’ve come to learn, when it comes to love and sex… people always find some reason to complain.

“Yeah, I mean… the sex is better… we do it WAY more than before… but it’s still not to the level that I am completely happy with. Sometimes it seems like she’s just doing it to keep me happy. I don’t want pity sex, or sex because she thinks I’m going to leave her. I want her to really be into it. I want to feel the same way we did when we first started dating. That was when I was the happiest with our sex life. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.”

So, first things first… he wants to get back to the honeymoon stage of the relationship. How best do you do that? You go get a new relationship. Seriously. You can’t go 100% back to that phase again with your current wife. That’s why they call it the honeymoon phase or “new relationship energy”. That stage of complete lustfulness and “puppy love” is temporary. It’s mother nature’s way of getting you two to bond and procreate. You can’t necessarily go back to that exact phase again… but you can recharge the sexual battery and increase the quality and frequency of the sex. You can get close to that honeymoon state of sexual freedom again… but not quite all the way there. You need to be realistic in your expectations for a sex life with the wife/mom you’ve been in a relationship with for so many years… especially one that you have to really work on after an extended Dead Bedroom situation.

The real meat of the “problem” presents itself when I talk to the men and drill down into their current “wife is still not horny enough for me” situation. A poster/reader on the private Facebook group had a perfect illustration of the common scenario:

He went Christmas shopping with his wife. Lots of running around. Buying presents for the full extended family. Of course, this is exhausting. They return home to the kids. They make cookies. They watch a movie. They watch another movie. They put kids to bed. The wife immediately says she just wants to take some ibuprofen and to go to bed. The husband is pissed. The kids are in bed! Now is the perfect opportunity for one-on-one sexy time! But no… she’s not picking up on any of the hints. She doesn’t seem to care that he goes to their hottub alone. She just wants to sleep.

One thing I pointed out in The Dead Bedroom Fix is the difference between the male and female sex drives. We men always seem to be in the sexual ON position. We’re not necessarily always super duper turned on, but even after something like losing our job, illness, or our dog dies… we’re usually open for a quicky. The women, though… totally different story. I always say their sex drive is like a delicate souffle. One wrong move and the whole thing collapses. BUT… when all the ingredients are in place, the souffle is unbelievably tasty. Our dumb male McDonald’s Happy Meal level of horniness can’t compare to the gourmet French dessert that is a woman’s sex drive in full swing.

So then… how do you push those buttons to get the delicious souffle up and staying up? Well, for starters, you have to put her in the right environment. When you’re in the honeymoon stage, the environment is not that important. You can do it in the laundry room, in the smelly garage, outside in the woods with mosquitoes everywhere, in the bedroom display at your local Ikea… but when deep into a longterm relationship with kids, the house, your stressful jobs…  you HAVE to set the mood just right to get a glimpse of something close to the honeymoon phase. You have to eliminate all those extraneous oufside influences that negatively impact the wife’s sex drive.


Seriously. Parenthood is the antithesis of eroticism. It’s anti-sexuality. Yes, YOU, the man, can hang out with your kids, play games, help out Billy with homework, clean up the spaghetti sauce that the baby threw all over the floor, and STILL be up for a good blowjob… but your wife is waaaaay different. She would literally laugh out loud if you said, “Hey… wanna go do it?” while she’s Swiffering the kitchen floor for the tenth time that day.

For a man who has endured a long dead bedroom period and is working towards ramping up his wife’s attraction levels, you have your work cut out for you. Your wife is going to look for any excuse to go back to the status quo. She’s going to test you to see if your changes are for real. She’s going to look to YOU to lead and change the environment to one that is more condusive to eroticism. She needs to let her hair down… and she has a very hard time doing that at home with the snot-noses and all the stress that goes along with them.

Don’t just go do a typical “date night” either. Sure, you need those dates… but they are the bare minimum. You need to get away… like really get away. Two to three days of no kids. Pack bags. Hire a babysitte (or grandma/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends). Get her away from the chaotic. stress-inducing, maternalistic environment of motherhood. In fact, plan and pay for the entire thing yourself. Don’t tell her. She comes home from a long day at work, ready to tackle another evening of hair-pulling stress that only a house full of kids can provide. Instead, you’re there sitting by the door, dressed up to leave the house, your suitcase packed next to you, looking at your watch. “Hello, sexy. You have exactly one hour to get ready. Dress comfortably. The kids are taken care of. House taken care of. Pack a swim suit. One ‘evening wear’ dress, too. We’ll be back Sunday night.” The wife will be confused… maybe even a little pissed. “But, Henry has basketball practice tomorrow! Sally has her ballet lessons… I have to make cookies for the bake sale!” You just reassure her. You play the part of the confident boss. “All taken care of. Seriously. Don’t worry about a thing. You now have 55 minutes. I suggest you hurry.”

What will happen is that you will start the slow and gradual process of throwing gasoline on the libido fire. Yes, by doing the work outlined in The Dead Bedroom Fix, you successfully got the fire going again… and it may have stalled out at a slow “burning ember” phase… but it IS still a warm fire (unlike before when the sexual fire was completely nonexistant). That’s a good thing. You have something to work with. What you’re doing by getting your wife away from home is kicking things up a notch or two. You’re now going more in the direction of the raging bonfire that was the honeymoon stage of your relationship.

I have repeatedly said that the most affair-prone person in a relationship is an overstressed mother. They are always right at the cusp of crossing the line. They are hungering for fun, youth, and yes… eroticism. They just don’t necessarily want those things with their spouse. He is at the epicenter of the anti-sexuality portion of their life. On the other hand, the loser Lover who taps into her need for a fun and life-altering diversion… he gets her undivided sexual attention.

The key to unlocking the over-the-top sexuality you desire is found in the typical overstressed wife affair. You have to break away from the typical married parent world. You have to do all you can to mold the environment to that of a complete escape. The more “out there” of an experience it is, the better. Keep her guessing. Keep that little bit of uncertainty and anxiety going. Excitement is key. ESCAPE is key. This is why the seemingly “perfect” wife was willing to go to bed with the ultimate loser of a guy she met during a night out with the ladies from work. The loser was a complete left turn from her current life path. He was an ESCAPE.

In my book, “NOW WHAT?”, I talk about the well-known scenario of the bachelorette party and the male stripper. To quote the book:

Want to hear some jaw-dropping true stories about female sexuality? Talk to a male stripper. The male stripper is the center of attention during a very interesting and very heated exhibit of unbridled female sexuality. He’s in a room full of women that are there to see manflesh AND (this is the important part, so pay attention) they all feel free and safe to outwardly demonstrate their arousal. It’s understood that it is A-Okay to scream, grab the stripper, smack his butt, yank at his speedos, laugh, and high-five her friends. Once the usually conservative and sexually boring women in the bachelorette party pick up on the “Be free and do whatever youwant… no judgment here” vibe in the room, all bets are off.

Male strippers will tell you tales of brides-to-be performing oral sex on him in front of her friends, bridesmaids taking off their tops to get the stripper’s attention, women jerking off the stripper while friends cheer her on, etc. The frenzy of the moment is so intense, that some women seem to be completely caught off guard by their own body’s response to the situation. The boring mom of three can’t believe what she just did to some strange man in a room full of screaming women. She was just Suzy Homemaker going to her friend’s innocent bachelorette party… and now she’s some crazed slut who jerked off the muscular stripper and made out with one of the bridesmaids on a dare. These women are later seen outside crying their eyes out while their friends try to calm them down. “It’s okay, sweetie. We were all stupid. It was a party. Don’t wory, he won’t find out. Nobody will say anything. We promise.”

The out-of-control bachelorette party is an extreme example of what can happy when women “get away” from it all and feel safe “letting their hair down”. If under the right circumstances, you can bring about the same level of unbridled lustfulness. It takes effort, work, timing, and GETTING AWAY from your current environment.


Ultimate Responsibility

Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes

Not sure if it’s because of the holidays, but requests for my one-on-one coaching have gone up. Email frequency is up. This is almost becoming another full-time job. I’m not complaining! Hey, this is what I wanted and now I got it. Thanks to all of you for trusting me and sharing your stories. I really appreciate it.

As I’ve said before, I always see patterns in these conversations with readers. The stories… wow, they are all the same. As I’ve said so many times on this site, people are just so damn predictable. Most of the guys I talk to are convinced that their situations are so special and unique… and I can sometimes finish their sentences for them.

Me: “Yeah, and she said she loves you but she’s not IN LOVE with you, she’s always on her phone, she stays out later, and she’s acting younger and crazier… right?”

Dude: “Sigh… yeah. Exactly.”

Well, this post is not going to be anotherAll women are the same article that you’ve probably read in some form or another on countless other forums and websites. No, this here article is about YOU. More specifically, it’s about YOU taking responsibility for your current situation. It’s about YOU turning that finger around and pointing it at your own damn self. It’s about YOU realizing that the planet didn’t conspire to make your life such a shit show that it is right now. No, what you’re experiencing is a culmination of the little eroneous decisions you have made over the years, and a little bit of bad luck to go with it.

Allow me to illustrate via a typical conversation with a reader.

Dude: “It was just like you said on your site. I did everything I thought was right in the relationship. I was a really good husband and dad. Now she’s acting completely crazy. She accused me of raping her. She’s taken the kids away. She’s telling everyone that I hurt her. She took all the money out of our account. She’s sleeping with some loser guy who got out of prison last month for drugs. Why is she doing this?! My brother went through something just like this with his ex-wife. God, all women are just completely crazy. Have you ever heard of MGTOW?”


Me: “Well, let’s back up here a minute. We’re getting way ahead of ourselves. Tell me about her life. What was her family like?”


Dude: “Oh, it was bad. Her mom cheated on her dad. Her dad killed himself. Her mom married three times. One of the step-dads abused her. My wife ran away when she was 14. She did drugs. Prostitution. She had a kid when she was 19. Then she turned herself around and became a registered nurse. That’s when I met her. I was a patient of hers.”


Me: “Wow. That’s some story. So, tell me about your dating. How long before you married?”


Dude: “We dated for about two months and then I moved her and her daughter in with me. We got married about two months after that.”


Me: Sigh…

For those of you with no experience in this world of mine, this may sound like an outlandish scenario.  It’s insanely common. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some variation of this story. These men are the biggest saviors in their own minds. They hide behind the wall of “doing what is right for the marriage”, holding their head high as they see the “real person” underneath the facade of awfulness that the rest of the world sees. “I brought her in when nobody else would”, I often hear. “I didn’t hold her past against her. I was proud of her for what she had become.” The myth that anyone and everyone is right for a long-term monogamous relationship strikes again.  Real love ain’t for everyone, as our hero learns in the hardest way possible.

Truth: Not everyone is worth saving. Not everyone really wants to be saved. That’s a tough thing for a lot of guys to come to grips with. So many men I talk to fall under the category of “severely codependent”. Codependency is nothing new, but when combined with the blind lustfulness of a testosterone-fueled male, it’s deadly.  She’s a broken and misunderstood woman who also happens to be extremely physically attractive and a porn star in bed? Oh, then he’ll roll out the red carpet for her. He’ll put up with the worst of the worst behavior for just a chance to drink from the fountain that is his “dream woman” again. He got a taste of the high only a hyper-sexual and “crazy” woman can provide… and he doesn’t ever want to go back. You know what they say. “Crazy in head, crazy in bed.” 

These broken women eventually push and push away these “good” men from their lives. They don’t just stop there. They do all they can to hurt them, too. I’ve heard it all. From accusing them of rape, child molestation, stealing money, physical assault, lying to friends, getting friends to hurt the husband, sleeping with countless men, etc… nothing, it seems, it off the table when the mental switch is flipped and the broken wife’s brain decides, “We no longer desire or need this male. Make him go away.”

Then, in typical borderline fashion, she wants back in. The man, in his equally broken frame of mind, caves in. The process repeats. It gets exponentially worse, actually.

Then, once he hits rock bottom, the man has the audacity to point the finger back at society. He’ll blame politicians. He’ll blame the female-centric court system. He’ll claim that all women are like his broken wife. He’ll become very melodramatic in his proclamations of victimhood. If you get him alone for five minutes, he’ll let you know how the world is conspiring against him.

He rarely, if ever, points the finger at himself.

Ironically, these are the same guys who fall RIGHT AWAY for another woman. “Oh no… this one is different. She loves me unconditionally. I’ve never felt this way before.”  They are also very quiet about the circumstances of the new relationship. Later, I’ll learn that she is a mirror image of the ex. The outer shell may be night and day different, but the inner-workings are the same broken computer with the same erroneous code stuck in the same negative feedback loop of destruction and chaos.

With these men, it takes everything I have to not say, “Okay, let’s go ahead and pencil you in for another chat one year from now. We’ll call it the ‘I’m ready to work on myself for once, post divorce #2’ meeting. Sound good?”

Instead I smile and wish them the best.

Not everyone wants help or is capable of receiving it, and that goes for some of you, as well.  Are you so caught up in your current victimhood that you can’t see the obvious right in the mirror?

I’m also looking at you guys in dead bedrooms. There’s a theme of resentment and anger that I can see festering and growing amongst men online who have been hurt. This seems to permeate all facets of men and their experiences in relationships, dead bedrooms included.

  • Man marries awful broken woman, has kids, and is later cheated on and treated like dirt. “This crazy awful bitch is ruining me. Why is she doing this?!”
  • Man is stuck in a sexless marriage with a woman who lost attraction years ago. “Why won’t she just compromise and show me validation and love! That’s what you DO in a marriage! It’s a two-way street, you know!”

Both scenarios are completely skipping over the important initial step of ultimate responsibility. YOU can only control YOU. That is both a comforting and hurtful proposition. “Wait… it was MY fault for marrying that woman?” Yep. Nobody held a gun to your head. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move on. “Wait, she is not attracted to me, and it may be because I’ve not been an attractive partner?” Yep. You probably dropped the ball somewhere along the line. Her affection and sexual arousal aren’t unconditional. Nor should yours be.

The reason so many men put up with this level of awfulness and allow it to get to the point of no-return is simple: Deep down they have no self-worth. They can hide behind their victimhood and point the finger at the crazy  or “low libido” wife sitting across from them, or they can point the finger at themselves… and start the very uncomfortable and extremely difficult task of coming to grips with their own shortcomings. This path is REALLY REALLY tough to go down, but, like all things in life, it’s ultimately the most rewarding.

What do these men fear the most? The task of facing ultimate responsibility will lead them to a crossroad in life. A man who takes ultimate responsibility and does the hard work of looking inward will realize his value… and that may mean walking away from bad situations. That may mean being ALONE. That is terrifying to a lot of men, especially if it means they have to play the part of the “asshole” temporarily.  Ultimately, it’s the healthier option… but many can’t see past their own deep-seated inadequacies. It’s one thing to say, “I value myself and want to be a better man”, it’s another to say “No” to the comfort that a relationship can bring, even if it’s abusive and filled with dread.

A man who truly gets his shit in order and works on himself enters the relationship world in a completely different way. It’s a TOTALLY different environment that he sees around him. The light gets turned on. Suddenly he’s turning away more women than he is agreeing to meet for coffee. Suddenly he’s not so emotionally hurt when his wife says, “I don’t feel like it tonight.” Suddenly he sees the value he brings to that part of his life. Suddenly he GETS IT. Then, magically, a whole giant set of problems are wiped completely from the table… because he was the one to put those problems there in the first place.

Funny how that works.


“Are all women like this?”

Estimated Reading Time: 7 minutes

I get tens of thousands of visitors to my website every month. I have about 17,000 likes and followers on my Facebook page and about 3,500 members in the two private Facebook groups. The numbers keep going up every single day. The topics brought up in emails and Facebook posts cover everything from narcissistic ex-wives, cheating, child custody issues, physical and verbal abuse, divorce costs, dead bedrooms…. You name it, and it’s discussed every single day.

Eventually, and at no surprise to anybody paying attention, some guy will post something along the lines of, “Ummm… are ALL women like this?” This is invariably when the chorus of broken dudes will chime in with “YES!!” or “MGTOW!”… some variation of the theme of, “Fuck these women they are all the same”.

I get it. I went through this phase myself. It’s perfectly natural.

What you’re seeing is a very predictable and very real emotional response. These men had their entire worldview flipped upside down. It’s as dramatic as if I told you that we all live inside a giant computer simulation being run by alien beings. Everything you thought was true is now false. Then chaos breaks out, you’re left with sadness and extreme anger. Confusion. “What do I do now?!”

Contrary to what many women may think, yes… men do put women on a pedestal. So many men put their wives and girlfriends at a better-than-human status that they can’t possibly ever live up to. This sets them up for the worst relationship failures. After all, most women you encounter when single will NOT be long-term relationship material. Not even close. Most aren’t worthy of having lunch with, let alone attempting a romantic relationship.

I’ve heard the worst of the worst horror stories from men in awful abusive relationships that end in infidelity and crippling divorces. When you start breaking down the stories, there were abundant red flags throughout the early days of the relationship. The man takes in the woman’s illegitimate kid and raises as his own, he helps her with debts, he buys her everything under the sun, he marries her, he ignores the late-night partying, he ignores the promiscuous past, he ignores her awful childhood, he ignores (insert numerous red flags here)… and all because he was madly in love. He gave the woman EVERY excuse in the book. Even when presented with obvious evidence of wrongdoing, the man will keep changing the rules so that she retains the crown of perfection he put on her head so many years ago.

I often snoop on a reader’s Facebook page. It gives me a good insight into who exactly it is I’m talking to. I take one look at their “best friend” of a wife who “out of nowhere” went crazy and left him… and you can quite literally smell the crazy just by looking at their family photos. She’s usually grossly ovverweight, angry, looks like she just gave up on life, wants to shove a fork in her husband’s eye, displaying narcissistic behavior, posting questionable things… and yet the man “never saw it coming”.  It’s as if he was under a spell. When you peel back the layers of the onion, you learn that all of this denial on his part was done in an effort to provide for the family, keep the peace, not rock the boat, and be a “good husband”.

Men are blinded by love and lust. It’s no secret. Countless men are nursing beers at a bar right now telling their friends, “Man… she was my everything. She was so perfect. I don’t get it, man” while his friend holds back laughter thinking about how his this “dream woman” was forty pounds overweight and had three kids by three different guys before meeting his buddy.

I often like to talk about the two different kinds of men: Lovers and Providers. The Lover gets to have all the fun and sexy time with the woman, and the Provider gets to play the savior and help take care of kids. The Lover may be a complete loser and have zero long-term relationship skills, but there’s something about the guy that allows him to have a conga line of women showing up at his door just to spend a few hours of fun with him. He’s got that indescribable IT factor that every man wishes he had. He can make all kinds of mistakes in life… he can disappoint his family… he can be in an out of jail… but hey, the guy gets laid. Even when in prison, he’s probably banging the female guards.

Does this Lover/Provider dynamic apply to the world of women? In a way, yeah. You can think of ALL women as Lovers. They are so worshipped and so sought after, men will gladly ignore all the signs that say, “Run for your life!” The natural drive to procreate and have sex with a woman (thank you Testosterone) combined with a societal narrative of, “All women are delicate creatures that need to be handled with care… and that means looking the other way when things go crazy”, PLUS the natural drive and societal pressure to provide and protect… and holy shit do men put themselves in awful life positions. It’s so bad that it’s gotten to the point where I’m surprised when a relationship DOESN’T go south in a hurry.

Enter the victim mentality

The problem is men love to pat themselves on the back for “doing the right thing” in the relationship yet still get screwed over again and again. Much like the modern-day feminist movement, the men fall all over themselves trying to out-victim each other. “It’s the women! They’re all hypergamy-driven narcissistic sluts!”

No, sunshine… it’s you.

Yeah, I know… you don’t want to hear it. The world has F’d you over. It’s not your fault. You were taken advantage of. It’s a conspiracy against men. “We’re all better off just sticking to porn and watching football!” You go ahead and do that, Captain MGTOW. The rest of us will get laid.

How are YOU to blame for your life situation? At the VERY least, you played the part of the typical love-struck man and covered your eyes and ears when all the red flags presented themselves. You probably went out in the dating world with your “I’M A GREAT PROVIDER” suit of raw meat on… and yet were surprised when all the sharks came around for the feeding frenzy. You played the game wrong every single step of the way, and you’re pissed off that you lost. Hell, you didn’t even know there was a game going on. You bought into the Disney fantasy of “One true love that will conquer all with no effort”.

Let’s look at this from a different angle…

My oldest son LOVES basketball. Eats, sleeps and breathes the game. If you watch him in the driveway doing his little drills by himself, you would say, “Damn… the little dude is pretty good.” He is part of the middle school team… and he doesn’t get to play very much. When he gets in the game, he usually just goes to an open spot on the floor and calls for the ball. He hits one or two shots a game, usually. That’s the extent of his game. Nothing else. Consequently, he doesn’t get the ball very much. All those fancy ball-handling moves trying to emulate James Harden in the driveway aren’t put to use in the game. He never drives to the basket. He turns into Mr. Spot Up Shooter and totally forgets everything he practiced for hours and hours at home.

When he steps off the court, he’s pouting. All the dreams he had for scoring twenty points a game and leading his team to victory are squashed. Whose fault is it? If you ask him, it’s the coach for not giving him enough time on the floor. It’s his teammates for not passing him the ball.  I’m the first to put those little thoughts to rest. “Nope. You need to become an undeniably good player. Right now, you’re just showing that you are a spot up shooter who hits a couple of threes per game. If you want to be James Harden, you gotta do what James Harden does. You need to work on your ball handling and put it to use in an actual game. Drive to the basket. Get assists. Create shots. Make mistakes.. learn… and try to get better the next game. You gotta live in reality, not what SHOULD be. The reality is that they need more out of you if you want more playing time.”

For a lot of you guys, the coach is life. He just benched you. Your spot up shooting ain’t enough. That’s not how you win games. It ain’t his fault you didn’t put your driveway skills to use in the game. So, now what do you do? Hang up the sneakers and proclaim you’re just too slow for the game and everyone is out to screw you over anyway?

“Nobody Ever Taught Me the Truth About Women.”

I hear some semblance of this a lot. Men blame their lack of a stable father figure, or their single mom who poisoned them with “feminist” thought patterns. Yeah, I get it… but there’s also some bullshit there. You can’t say you were completely ignorant about the realities of “crazy”. You’ve been shown what “crazy” is your whole life. You just ignored it when it came to settling down with a woman. We all know crazy men. We all know evil men. I could rattle off six guys I’ve known who cheated on their wife. I know of men who killed other men. Murderers! Guess what…. Women are no different. They’re human. They’re capable of awfulness. REALLY bad stuff. Like “Have a baby with you, accuse you of abuse, take all your money and screw the neighbor” level of awfulness.

This relationship game takes a whole lot of wisdom and know-how to navigate properly. It takes some street smarts, some book smarts, some social intelligence, some “game” and some charisma. It’s not for everybody, as popular culture would lead us to believe. Many of us would be better off having a series of casual fun relationships. Bachelorhood. Nothing wrong with that. Many of us have a great deal of personal baggage that we need to deal with before we bring another human into our world. To ignore these truths brings a whole lot of pain into the lives of everyone around you. When you have kids (which happens more often than not) you’re just continuing the legacy of brokenness for future generations. Congratulations.

Stop blaming women. Stop with the MGTOW and Hypergamy and everything else. What, a woman’s love is actually conditional? She wants the best man she can get? Wow… maybe you could learn something from her. Perhaps you shouldn’t settle for the first woman that shows you attention and makes you feel great. Perhaps you shouldn’t hide behind the wall of “nice guy” behavior and pretend you’re doing the “right” thing. Perhaps you shouldn’t cave to the social pressure to “settle down” before you’ve fully matured into a complete man. Maybe being a single guy that dates around is not such a bad thing after all. Who gives a shit what all the other people think? Are they in awesome rewarding relationships? Probably not. Fuck em.

You need to treat women with the same level of rational skepticism that you apply to the men in your life. Finding that special somebody is a one in a million chance that requires you take your time and do it right. For all you guys who fell in love one month after your wife left and you can’t believe you met your soul mate so soon… wake up. Take the rose-colored glasses off. She’s a flawed human. She could very well destroy your world as you know it. Take your time. Be careful. Take a deep long look at yourself.


The Provider is Dead

Estimated Reading Time: 7 minutes

Modern-day men tend to be very agreeable dudes. We just go with the flow. We are the quintessential “Yes, dear” guys. Happy wife, happy life! “Okay, whatever you want to do is fine with me.”  We gravitate towards the path of least resistance. Whatever causes less unnecessary drama and anxiety in our lives… we go for it. We get fat. We get comfortable. We just do whatever… as long as we can ocassionally escape to our “man cave” and keep our wife’s nagging and drama to a minimum, we’re happy. We’re simple creatures after all.

Therapists will often ask what spouses NEED out of a relationship. Men will boast about how simple they are. We just NEED sexual intimacy and food, and we’re good to go! Is that really the case? Turns out what we label as “needs” are really just strong desires. Our wife can lock the sexual gates for weeks and months and we’ll still gladly say “Yes, dear” as we take the kids to the soccer games, fix the broken thing in the basement, and listen to her complain for hours on end about everything. In other words, these needs really aren’t NEEDS after all. The relationship continues on whether we get them met or not. “Hey… whatever. That’s just the way marriage is.” The mantra of the modern-day man.

What brought about this lazy agreeable way of life? Well, a big part of it was what we viewed as our cultural norm for so many generations: MAN WORKS , WOMAN STAYS HOME AND TAKES CARE OF KIDS AND HOUSE. If the two partners have a list of “Things I need to do to keep this relationship going”, the man’s list consisted of one thing: “Go to work. Come home. Bring paycheck.” He was the PROVIDER. He was the provider of the fuel that kept the household economic engine going. He was the reason they had a roof over their head and a car in the garage. He was the reason the kids had popsicles in the fridge and tennis shoes every year for school. He was the reason the wife could go get her hair done every other week. He was the reason she had 120 pairs of shoes. The husband/dad immediately earned a high level of respect by virtue of his providership. It was known that you left dad alone after he came home from a hard day at work. You go to mom with questions about your homework. You go to mom about getting you to your baseball game. Dad was the boss. Why? Because dad brings home the bacon. Simple.

When you’re the king, there’s very little that will motivate you to go beyond your “king” status and kick things up a notch. Kings get fat. Kings get lazy. Kings also get drug out in the street by a horde of angry people and ripped to shreds… But I digress.

Fast forward to today… and the tables have been flipped. Women woke up. “Wait… you mean I don’t HAVE to play the part of Suzy Homemaker? I can make just as much, if not WAY more than these guys out there? “ With this drastic change in the economic landscape comes some relationship growing pains. Things don’t just change completely overnight. Women, overall, still feel that their prospective spouse/partner candidate should have some strong Provider/King qualities. In short, many successful women won’t look at settling down with the hunky plumber with the heart of gold. He’s a great person and great fun (and great in the sack), but the generations of conditioning and social pressure tells her that marrying him would be a huge mistake. She would always have to worry about “taking care” of him. Having a man in a subservient role is the ultimate turn-off for the ambitious successful woman. She doesn’t necessarily want YOUR money to take care of HER… she can do that herself, but she’ll be damned if she has to dig into her purse to pay for some loser’s way of life.

So let’s summarize the “problem” here: Women are making more than ever. As their bank accounts grow fatter, their list of spouse candidates goes down (there are only so many rich guys to go around). Many, not all, refuse to settle for a guy that they deem less successful and less ambitious than they are. Women complain that there are no good men left. They either “settle” for the good guy who makes less, or they go on dating and having fun with no end in sight. Most go with the latter plan of fun dating. If you asked them, they would say that they “have no choice”. They’d love to settle down, but it’s just not happening. Not with THIS pitiful pool of candidates.

Result: The marriage and birth rates are plummeting. Women drive the marriage industry, after all. When they put the brakes on, the whole system collapses. This will have huge economic implications for the western world.

Men are a little slower to adapt to the change.

Men still prop up their provider traits as their “awesome husband candidate” qualities. Show me a guy whose wife cheated on him, and I’ll show you a guy who says, “I paid for her schooling, I worked 60 hours a week, I paid for her car, I got her the house she wanted…” He’s still playing by the old rules. “I’m the KING, dammit!”

I know that some of you are saying, “But, my wife is jobless. I’m still the main breadwinner. She stays home with the kids. It’s better that way. This is the way it should be.”

This is the point where I could go to my email or my Facebook group and bring up story after story from the quintessential Provider husband who paid for everything for years… only to have the wife and the government say to him, “Hey, thanks for all that providing. Much appreciated. We’ll now be taking half your paycheck, your 401k savings, most of your bank account, and the house… oh, and you won’t see your kids except for the occasional weekend”. 

If you can make this Provider scenario work… awesome. Best of luck to you. Most cannot. Most will fail. That’s just the way it is.

Here’s what I’ll often hear from guys that jump back into dating after divorce:

  1. All that women care about now is looks. “Nobody wants some old fat man like me”.
  2. Women won’t take you seriously if you aren’t richer than them.

The writing is on the wall, gentlemen: The days of the classic Provider are dead. Women are bluntly telling us this. Society is bluntly telling us this. We had our fun for a while, but it’s time to wake up to reality. In the “good ol’ days”, the Provider man was a safety net. He was the fuel for the household economic engine. He was the boss. You, as the man, had a product (your ability to make money on a consistent basis), you put it out on the market, and the buyers came (your new wife). The market has changed. Your put your product out there, and the market is saying, “Okay…. cool. What else you got?” 

So, what else do you have?

For many men, the answer is “Not a whole hell of a lot”. They had the old book of rules and they threw EVERYTHING into that Provider role. They went to work, they helped coach the kid’s football team, they fixed the broken stuff around the house… but now the world just pats them on the head and says, “That’s cute. Now, kindly get out of the way. There’s a handsome guy with abs trying to get to the front of the line.”  You see, when you strip away the elements of economic comfort and stability from the whole mating game, you’re left with the basic elements of human attraction: Women run the mating game… and they want somebody they both swoon over and respect. Yes, they want it all. No, they’re not going to settle. No, they’re not going to die alone with 12 cats and a bad case of diabetes. They have a long list of men that would be more than glad to buy them dinner and take them away for a fun weekend and no commitment. These women are not suffering.

So, is it hopeless? Of course not. You just have to change your entire mindset. You have strip yourself of the old you and rearrange your priorities to accomodate the new paradigm. You gotta get off your fat butt and stop crying about how things should be. You need to get in shape. You need to get your money situation in order. You need to become a more well-rounded and interesting man. You need hobbies. Interests. You need to do things that help out your community. You need to be an awesome father and role model to your kids. You need to do all of these things for YOU. You don’t do all of these things so that you can snag the next Mrs. Right. The chances are that you’re not going to find her, so… have fun! Enjoy. Once you’re ready, go out on dates. Realize what the dates are: two people that have a mutual attraction enjoying spending time together. There’s no need for you to get hitched, move in together, have kids, etc. The rules have changed. All that stuff is great. It’s magic when it works. But, it’s exceptionally rare. It’s like hitting the lottery.

You don’t need to hit the lottery to be happy. Everyone is telling you this. It’s time to listen.

You are free.

The concept of having the Provider weight lifted from your shoulders should be a freeing one. You can focus on YOU for a change. The days of setting aside your dreams and aspirations to make your wife happy are long gone. Is it a selfish way of life? Maybe. Is it safer? Much safer. Is she worth rolling the dice for and paying for everything while she stays at home? Probably not… and that’s okay.

Have a date with a successful woman who you really seem to get along with? Worried that she won’t see you as a professional equal? Cool! That means she likes you for YOU. She thinks you’re handsome and charming enough to spend an evening with. Enjoy it for what it is. You’re just two adults enjoying time together. That’s it. Throw away these old notions of playing the “Marry me!” game. You’re probably out of the running for that, anyway… and that’s okay. It’s more than okay, actually. Congrats… you’re the Lover. Let some other shmuck play the part of the Provider for once. You want to be the one she sneaks off with for a wild night of fun… not the guy left wondering why she’s out all night and not texting him back.


How to be a Better Wife

Estimated Reading Time: 10 minutes
Once in a blue moon, I get an email from a female reader. You may think most of it is complaining or expressing their anger towards me… and you’d be right. I have, in fact, been called an “incel” and a misogynist (which is laughably off the mark), but I’ve also received emails from women that agree with most of what I say, they like the honest male perspective, and they want some real advice.
What I’ve seen from both men and women is a comically bad misunderstanding of exactly what it is our spouse wants out of a romantic partner. From what I can gather, many of the problems modern couples face can be traced back to the firm belief that gender egalitarianism trumps everything else in a male-female relationship. Men often try their damndest to be softer and more understanding (what their wife seems to push them to be), while the women try to be tougher and less agreeable (what society pushes them to be). Both are trying to portray a more progressive and wholesome image of what they feel is the best all-around modern-day spouse, and they both tend to swing their behavior pendulum too far over to the “wrong” end of the behavioral spectrum. The result? They each unknowingly become what the other finds unattractive. They leave their early-relationship sexy dating self behind and prop up their comfortable married parent provider traits… all in an effort to be a better spouse.
They become precisely what their partner does not want or need, romantically.
I’ve spent a great deal of time working with guys showing them how to be the best all-around man (which in turn makes them the best all-around spousal/boyfriend candidate), so I thought today I will take a stab at creating a more concise prescription for women. I know, I’m treading on thin ice by even considering such an endeavor. Ladies… my experience has shown that you REALLY don’t take kindly to a guy telling you how to be a better wife. Men, to their credit, tend to be much more open to the concept of trying out new things in order to try and FIX something. Men like to tinker around under the hood. Their relationships are no exception. Men love a good how-to guide. Women… not so much.
So, ladies… set aside your preconceptions for a moment. Take in this guide for what it is: a no-bullshit honest take on what I think makes an attractive wife. Yes, it’s MY opinion, but it’s also based input I’ve received after talking to hundreds of men over the years. I would say it’s a pretty good representation of what is “normal” for your average everyday hubby. Sure, there will be outliers. A few guys out there will read this and laugh at how off the mark it is. There is also a cat out there somewhere that barks. That doesn’t mean you can’t safely say, “cats say meow and dogs bark”. Generalizations are generalizations for a reason. You get my point.

It’s All About Validation

If there’s one word that encapsulates all “good wife” female behavior, it’s VALIDATION. I don’t think that most wives have a firm grasp on just how much of their husband’s sense of self-worth in placed at the feet of his wife. What you, the wife, feel and think about husband is SO VERY IMPORTANT to him. He wants nothing more than to gain your approval. He wants and NEEDS your respect. If he gets the impression that he is seen as a substandard husband, he is crushed. Beyond crushed. This is when he becomes the boring “Yes, dear” guy who lets you take care of everything as he sits back and watches TV or goes fishing. He is mentally escaping from the day-to-day life that he interprets as, “My wife doesn’t respect me.” That is a guy who has just given up. That is a guy who has resigned himself to the “reality” of marriage. This is the state of most married men today.
Is it safe to say that most men have “fragile egos”? To some degree, yes. I think, like most things, the “men have fragile egos” theory is a reflection of women’s misunderstanding of how men mentally function within a romantic relationship. We men may not  care what a coworker thinks of a us, we don’t mind when our friend makes fun of us, our boss can yell at us for messing up on the job, but if the wife we cherish and love above all is disappointed in us or makes us feel less than respected, we take that very hard. The degree to which we are affected always surprises women. As far as she can tell, she just said something slightly snotty and her husband is pouting and moping around like a giant baby. This is, of course, highly unattractive to her. If he can’t take her little verbal stabs, what kind of man is he?
This pitiful scene could’ve been avoided with some simple things she can do every day that will get him in a much better mindset… and more like the man she WANTS to have.
Validation comes in various forms. Of course, we all know the most obvious one (sex), but there are subtle little things throughout the day that show a man that he is important and worthy of respect and admiration.
Men will subconsciously seek out validation on a regular basis. Little things here and there. You may be driving around and he blurts out, “Whoa! Did you see that awesome old Corvette back there?! Wow, that is a sweet car. One day I’ll get me one of those!” The wife who is just tired of her husband’s bullshit will often continue to stare down at her phone, grunt, and show her obvious disinterest in the stupid old car. She won’t even acknowledge his excitement. She may sense that her husband is a little miffed at her lack of interest, so she will kick things up a notch or two. “You know I don’t care about cars. I don’t know why you keep pointing them out to me.” Or, even worse, “You’re not getting a Corvette. Not sure why you keep ogling at them. It’s stupid.”
That’s not good.
Okay, I can hear some of you ladies now. “Oh, COME ON!? Seriously?! I gotta pretend to like every little thing he likes? Is he that much of a baby!?”
Let’s take a trip back in time. Remember when you first two started dating? You probably don’t know it, but you validated the hell out of him back then. If he liked football, you went to games and cheered with him. Did he like a certain beer? You went to the store and bought him some. He had a hobby he enjoyed? You tagged along with him as he did his thing and you cheered him along the way. You were IN LOVE then, and naturally, you did all the little things that say to a man, “Keep me around! I’m an amazing wife candidate! Isn’t it obvious how attracted and loyal I am to you?!” As the timeline of the relationship progresses, both partners start veering off the “attractive romantic partner” path and default to a more apathetic and blah type of partner path. Men let the beer gut go, get boring, and lose ambition. Women put on the baby pounds, nag more, and are no longer willing to validate their husband.
Many guys on my site have discovered their wives had an affair. Thanks to mobile phone technology, many of us have discovered plenty of the details of the affair that we later wish we didn’t know. There’s the sexual stuff, the luvvy talk, the sneaking around, the lying to us… all of it points to a general theme that is such a soul-destroyer for men:  She validates the hell out of her new lover. She did things with and for the lover that she hasn’t done in years (if ever) with her husband. 
Women in affairs tend to do all they can to keep the affair partner around, and naturally… they know that validation is super important. They will throw themselves 110% into their affair partner’s world. They will take on his interests. They will submit to all of his sexual wants and desires. They will cheer him on in whatever he does. They will morph themselves physically and mentally into the woman that is most likely to keep her new man. 
When you don’t give your husband validation for even the dumbest little things in life (like affirming his interest in that cool Corvette) you’re displaying your lack of respect. You’re displaying your lack of true love and understanding. Yes, it’s one stupid little thing… but we see it happen dozens of times a day, every single day. It wears on us. Not because we have a fragile ego, but because we know what it signifies: The early relationship love is long gone. Now that the honeymoon phase is over, we’re left with the cold hard reality: In your eyes, we’re not that big of a deal. In fact, we’re annoying at best. You put up with us. You don’t respect us. 
Every man wants to be his wife’s knight in shining armor. We want to be her Lover and your Provider. We want to be the one-stop-shop for all her romantic and life partner needs.
Don’t question every little thing your man does. Don’t laugh at his dreams. Don’t belittle his slight emotional reaction to your obvious disdain. Remember… he loves the hell out of you. What you think about him is of the utmost importance. He wants NOTHING more than to impress you. To hear his woman say things like, “I believe in you” or You’re so smart and hard-working, you can do anything you set your mind to” is music to any man’s ears. To hear, “I like your new shirt a lot. You look so handsome in it”… man, there is nothing better. 
Be the rare woman that gloats about her awesome husband on Facebook, rather than one of millions of women that go on and on about how negative everything is (except the kids… the kids are perfect, of course).
Speaking of kids… they come second. That’s right, your husband comes first. I know, some of you are recoiling in disgust right now. You are married to your romantic life partner. You have to do things that keep you together as romantic life partners. Validation is the main driver, and nothing validates a man more than to hear and FEEL that he is his wife’s solitary romantic love interest. Yes, men get jealous of the unconditional love that his wife shows the kids. He may not tell you that, but he does. Your little consistent jabs at his sense of self-worth show what he innately knows: Your love for him is conditional. Your love for the kids is unconditional. That’s natural and completely understandable, but it doesn’t make the reality sting any less. He sees the reality in front of his eyes every day, and it hurts.
Yes, sex is a supreme form of validation. In essence, you are saying that:
  1. You feel turned on by him. His sexy and masculine ways make you want to get busy. He brings about a natural and animalistic reaction in you.
  2. You feel safe with him. You don’t mind being in a vulnerable and free state when with him. He’s your man. 
Do not, I repeat, do NOT give him pity sex. Don’t fake it. We can smell pity sex a mile away. We know the “Here, let me give you a handjob just to shut you up” kind of sex. It’s not a good thing. You’re not a masturbation device. You are our wife. We want to feel wanted by you. We want that animalistic passion. We want to be wanted.
If you DON’T  want your husband sexually, then you need to figure out why and work towards a solution that will get you in the right sexual mindset to get the romantic relationship back on course. It may very well mean being VERY blunt and honest with your man. Yes, you may have to tell him what you want out of him. If he’s like most men, society and decades of shame have sucked all the attractive manliness right out of him. He thinks he’s doing the right thing by being the man you no longer feel attracted to. The manly stuff you so long for is hidden under a thick layer of fatherdom and comfort. You gotta help bring that out that side of him.
I know I just said men have “fragile egos” when it comes to their women, but if there’s a roadblock in the way of giving him the ultimate validation (sex), then you need to tell him about the roadblock and see if he does the work needed to tear it down. Frame it in a way that so that he sees this as an opportunity to prove his sexual value. Do it in a way that is fun and exciting. Validate him along the way. Lead him by the hand in a way that makes him feel like the sexy stallion he so badly wants to be for you, but feels too shamed and too scared to do. Push him in the right direction. Contrary to what you may believe, he cannot read your mind, and nor should he. Men are not nuanced creatures. We are blunt. Learn to speak his language.
I know that playing the part of the sexual leader is not sexy for many of you. I  get it. You want a man who just GETS it. You want that hunk of a guy on the steamy romance novel you just read. Sweetheart, you’re married. You’re married to your husband. This isn’t fantasy land. Marriage is work. The work means doing those uncomfortable things in the short term so that you can get what you need in the long-term. That means validating him, letting him know what he means to you… and sometimes that means playing a part you don’t feel comfortable playing. 
Men have affairs. This is not a secret. MANY affairs begin with a man interacting with some young bimbo that pushes his buttons just by giving him the smallest bit of validation that he so badly needs.
“Oh, your wife is so lucky to have a guy like you!”
“You made THAT?! Wow, that is so cool!”
“You look awful handsome in that shirt today!”
“Oh, I like those old cars, too! They look so cool! I always dreamed about having one!”
The bimbo takes him right back to that early relationship time that was so magical. The sexy young thing we saw from across the room takes a genuine interest in us. She starts morphing her behavior to validate us at every opportunity. She likes us.  She WANTS us. She’s the validation drug we’ve been craving all these years.
YOU want to be his validation drug… or else he will get his fix somewhere else.
Before you say it, I know some of you are saying “I shouldn’t HAVE to do all these things! He’s a grown man! To have to stroke his ego constantly is not a turn-on.” Somewhere along the line, somebody told you that “Real Love” should be easy. Somebody said that if you’re in a good relationship, that things will just naturally fall into place and you no longer have to “play games”. Well, that’s bullshit. Just like the husband who tells me he shouldn’t HAVE to workout, be more of a leader, put up boundaries for his wife, etc… I will say the same to you. STOP with the “SHOULD” talk and live in reality. The relationship game is, in fact, a giant stupid game. It has rules. It has little things you need to do here and there to keep the game running. If you don’t, the game is over. For you, your rules are simple: Look for opportunities to validate.
If you truly don’t see any opportunity to validate (because nothing he does is worthy of your time and attention), then let him go. Let him get the drug he so desperately needs elsewhere. But, don’t come crawling back when you watch him flourish and improve physically, emotionally and financially in life. Good men who leave toxic relationships will often improve dramatically. Let him go.


Interview with Dr. Robert Glover

Estimated Reading Time: 27 minutes

I had the privilege of sitting with Dr. Robert Glover, famed author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and most recently “Dating Essentials for Men. The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need” which is now available as a Kindle download on Amazon. We chatted for an hour about all things dating and relationships. It was a great opportunity for me to talk to one of the biggest figures in the industry and author of the #1 book I recommend to my readers. He has a wealth of knowledge and experience that all of us can benefit from.

DSO: Readers of No More Mr. Nice Guy and visitors to my site…they often ask me the same question: “When do you know you’re ready to date?” I have to say to them,  “I’m sorry.  I don’t have the answer to that… you’ll just KNOW”. 

Dr. Glover: You’re right. I asked that same question. You’re right, you do get a sense of it and you can’t really predict it. But for me, when I ended my second marriage, it meant I’d been married about a total of 25 years to my first two wives. When I got out of my second marriage, we had a lot of struggles. I stayed way too long and when I got out I was tired. I was just tired of the heavy lifting. I was just tired and I didn’t want to listen to another woman talk about her problems. I just had no interest. 

So, my book was about to come out and I dove into my work… and I’d say for six months after moving on from my second wife, I didn’t even want to talk to women. It just had no appeal to me whatsoever. I noticed maybe a woman checking me out and I think, “Oh, that woman’s checking me out. Oh, that means I’m going to have to talk to her. I’m not interested.” I was just really worn out and I wasn’t looking for “Okay, when’s the right time?”. I just kind of got busy taking care of what I needed to do.  My son and stepson were seniors in high school and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with them. I just took care of business. 

Probably about six to eight months after we split, I went on my book tour for the launch of No more Mr. Nice Guy. While on the book tour, I just happened to start up a conversation with a woman in a bar at happy hour, we clicked, and we ended up having sex together. Then, in another city, again having dinner in a bar, I talk to another woman and we exchanged information. About a month later, I started dating her for about 2 or 3 months, long-distance, and would see each other about once a month… and that kind of made me realize, “Okay, I’m ready.” Then I thought, “Okay, I’m going to get online and start trying online dating. I’m going to start just being more conscious about this whole dating process.” I had no idea how long that was going to be. But for me, it was about six to eight months after I split until a situation presented itself and I walked through that door. I expect that’s probably true for a lot of guys. 

Actually, I would be a little bit concerned about guys that got out of a relationship, especially one that maybe was a little bit traumatic, and just immediately wanted to dive into another relationship. I tell guys to give yourself some time. You know, six months isn’t that long. For six months, just go work on you. Take care of business. Maybe go get a coach or a therapist. Join a men’s group. Do something to start making YOU a priority without trying to seek out or please the feminine. Just get your nerves settled and then spend more time thinking about what is it that you want as you move forward. I know when I got out of my second marriage, I thought man, you know, if I’m gonna have anything different I’m going to have to work at becoming a better picker and I’m gonna have to work at being a better ender. So I made a very conscious process to learn how to date with the idea of learning how to choose good women and also with the idea of learning how to how to end things quickly if this was not a woman that I had a long-term interest in.

DSO: I call the man that you want to become the “Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man”. The Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man is not afraid to pull the ripcord and say, “You know, I appreciate your time, sweetie, this has been great. But I just don’t think this is gonna work out”. There are a lot of men that, oh boy, that is a very high tension/high anxiety thing to do. To say, “I’m going to play the part of the bad guy” and then, in essence, tell the person across from you, “There’s something not quite right about you and I don’t want to explore this any further.” That’s a tough thing for a lot of guys to do.

Dr. Glover: It is, and it’s always been for me. I think for most men, breaking up, being a good ender, is really challenging. I think for a number of reasons, one maybe is partly our evolutionary heritage that we’re providers and protectors by nature, and I think the other is social.  You’re not supposed to do anything that might ever upset a woman, and sometimes breaking up with them upsets them. A lot of guys are nice guys and they just don’t ever want to be the bad guy. For me, one of the best experiences I had, I mentioned the woman that I met in that second city, we dated for about two or three months, and I remember I went down to visit her for about the third time and we spent the weekend together. It was a very mediocre weekend. I think she had high expectations, and I wasn’t feeling it. By the time I got back home and got off the airplane, I had an email from her that said, “Hey, you know, we both know that this isn’t going any further and that we’re not the best match, so I’ll go ahead and end it now.” At first, I wanted to say, “Wait a minute why are you ending it?!”  and then I thought,  “Oh, wait a minute. I’m glad she did actually.” Then I thought I’m not devastated. Maybe if I can practice ending in a very clear and timely manner as well, the women won’t be devastated either, and the truth is… they never were, and I broke up with a lot of women. A guy I coach said, “Well, you know I go on a lot of one-and-done coffee dates. What’s wrong?” I say there’s nothing’s wrong. That’s right. Most dates should not last more than one date. The whole purpose of that first date is to find out is she a cool enough chick, if she interesting enough, and do you want to actually see her again? By the second or third date, you’re not going to know her all that well, but you at least should be able to start observing what is her nature and how does she fit into your life. Now, hopefully, during that time, you’re not having sex. I mean, I have no issue with one-night stands or having sex with someone the first day you meet them, but don’t pretend that that’s a good foundation for a long-term relationship. It was sex and the woman knows it and you know it. So, go slow. I always tell guys to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what the woman’s nature is and then you be the decider. You be a good ender if this woman is not somebody that you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with. 

DSO: What sets up a lot of men for failure from the very beginning of the whole dating process is that they go into it with the mindset of trying to find “My one real forever love”. When they’re sitting across from a woman and there are more red flags than a Chinese parade, they say, “You know, maybe that’s not so bad because I really like this other part of her. Maybe that other glaringly bad thing is not so glaringly bad because I really like this other thing… because I’m kind of desperate to find Mrs. Right and I can’t just throw away this one who actually gives me attention. She makes me feel really good right now.” They hang on and they hang on. That’s always disastrous.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, you know, I’ve been saying for a while, having been a marriage counselor for over 30 years and then teaching men to date, and being married myself and doing this from personal experience, is that there are three things that most men based their long-term relationship decision on. Number one: she isn’t too bad looking, but usually not too good-looking either because that scares us. Number two: she seems to be showing interest in us. Number three: at some point, she wants to have sex with us. Well, she agrees to have sex with us.  

In my approach to dating, I tell guys that dating is not an attempt to get a woman to like you. Dating is actually a process of you growing up and clearing out all of your self-limiting beliefs and growing as a man because no woman’s ever going to give us what our male brain thinks she is going to give us. That whole process of trying to get a woman to like you or try to get her to have sex with you just sets up a really bad differential because she’s now the decider. She has all the powers. She’s the alpha. You’re the beta. You’re the pleaser. Even if that leads to something, that’s going to be the foundation for that relationship. You trying to figure out how to make her happy, keep her liking you, and keep her from leaving you. That’s not a great way to approach it.

DSO: Very well put, and in fact in your new book, “Dating Essentials”, you talk about taking baby steps, not jumping into the deep end of the pool right off the bat, and it’s something I always tell guys as well. There was a guy recently on my Facebook page who talks about how he has a lot of social anxiety after a marriage that ended with his wife cheating and his solution was just to go to a singles mixer. The event was put on solely for the purpose of getting people to meet each other and possibly date. He went in and just stared at his feet the whole time and was nervous as hell and said, “This isn’t for me” and he left. He later posted, “I just don’t think this whole dating thing is for me. I’m doomed to be alone.” I told him, well, you have to do these little baby steps first, like approaching random people where there’s no implied reciprocation. You’re not going up to them to get a date. You just go up to a random stranger and say something like, “I like your shoes.” 

Dr. Glover: Yeah. I call it testing for interest. One of the things that I say in all my dating material is that I’m really not teaching men to date. I’m actually helping men raise their social and emotional intelligence, and in the process of raising their social and emotional intelligence, they become much more attractive… and then dating actually gets easy because then you’re choosing from lots of women that are showing you signals of interest. You’re walking through open doors rather than pounding on closed doors or avoiding the doors all together because you have so much anxiety. So yeah, that testing for Interest really does involve, and I say it in all of my Dating Essentials for Men podcasts, get out of the house, expand your route, linger in public, talk to the people you meet, test for interest, and walk through the open doors. It’s not any more complicated than that. I’m sure you’ve seen this, a lot of guys when they get out there dating after having not done it for a long time, they make it really complicated. It’s like, “I got to go to a pickup boot camp or I got to go to a hot club and approach the hottest women in there and try to get their numbers” and that’s way too difficult. That’s shit that even the pros have to really work at. Don’t make it difficult, because, like that guy you talked about, if you make it way too difficult, the first bad experience you have, the first time a woman has low interest or you get rejected or you feel foolish. You think “Well, I’m never doing that again”, and then you just you hole up at home watching TV, surfing the internet looking at porn, and reading red pill shit and resenting women. It doesn’t serve you.

DSO: You do touch in your book about resisting the whole notion of painting women with a very negative toxic paintbrush. I see that a lot with some of my readers where they say, “Well, obviously all women are whores” as if they’re saying “The sky is blue”.

Dr. Glover: Right. In my weekly Dating Essentials newsletter, I’ve got a Q&A, and one guy asked me about hypergamy.  He said, “I read this a lot online: all women are hypergamous”. I said, you know, that’s just a fancy term that internet writers have applied to women to justify their resentment, that all women are looking to trade up. The basic premise of my blog post was “Look around. Women settle for losers all the time”. Most women don’t have the intelligence, the good looks, and the Machiavellian cunning to be constantly trading up. That’s just not how most are wired. Maybe there are few gold diggers out there, but anytime we say all women are whores, all women are gold diggers, all women just want blah blah blah, you know, that’s just projecting our experience with a woman or two out on all women. What’s really going on, as you said, a lot of times these guys just have some social anxiety. They never really learned how to interact with women. Well, when they do it, they either do it clumsily, anxiously, or not at all, and then when they don’t have dating success, they blame the women. That just that doesn’t serve us well. I promise you, if you’re walking around trying to date, feeling resentful and bitter towards women, you’re going to radiate that shit and women are going to pick it up and you’re going to be radioactive. They’re not gonna want anything to do with you.

DSO: Absolutely, and the people that you do attract are going to be extremely toxic in nature.

Dr. Glover: There you go. That’s the other side of that coin. You are going to attract what you believe to be true. I don’t think there’s any magical Law of Attraction built into that, it’s just true. You are going to attract what you believe to be true.

DSO: I think the big source of a lot of this “Red Pill” angry male sentiment out there is that a lot of men at a very early age have been taught to put women on a pedestal. I always joke that the Red Pill can be summarized as “Holy crap. You mean women are assholes too?!”

Dr. Glover: Ha. Yeah, they’re not always nice. They’re insecure and they got issues too. 

DSO: There can be sociopathic women. There can be narcissistic women. There can be hypersexual women. Just like men, they can be all of these things, but many men just can’t believe that their mother, aunt, wife, or girlfriend is capable of doing these bad things. Then when you start digging and ask, “Well tell me how your relationship started?”, you can just count the red flags as you go along with their story. The man just ignored the flags and jumped right over them. “Well, she did have two kids by two different men…and she was an alcoholic”.... he just builds this awful resume for her, and he can’t believe it ended so horribly.  Well, of course it did. Everyone else in his world saw it coming.

Dr. Glover: Here’s the one red flag that most men ignore, and I’ve ignored it as well, which is why I know about it: A woman that is bitter about a past relationship, or past relationships. Every time I’ve gotten with a woman and she kept harping on her stories about her ex… you know, what a jerk he was, what an ass he was, how he did this, how he treated her that way… especially if they are that way about more than one man in their past… Anytime I got far enough in with these women, and I tend to be attracted to that kind of woman because I’m a fixer by nature, I actually begin to have empathy for the man that they used to be with. I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t such a jerk. Maybe there are two things going on. Maybe she drove him fucking crazy and he didn’t handle it well,  or maybe that’s just her. Every man is a jerk and I’m going to be in that category sometime soon. Just like I would tell women, stay away from a man that’s just packing around a bunch of negative stuff about women and about his ex. I tell men the same thing. If a woman is packing around negative stuff about men in general or about any ex, stay away from them because you’re just going to be the next story that she’s going to be telling the next guy because she will turn you into one of those jerks.

DSO: Absolutely. How many men do we know in these very vulnerable states of mind that get into a relationship with a woman and she absolutely dictates every facet of his emotionality? He’s depressed because she’s depressed. He’s happy because she’s having a great day.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, exactly. Probably most of your followers really can relate to that, and I get it. I’m the same way. It’s kind of like when they say happy wife/happy life. Okay, if I can just get her happy, I can be happy. As you know, that is so reverse. We’ve got to get out and fill our own bucket up and make ourselves happy. That makes us less needy. It makes us less dependent on any one person, and it makes us more attractive to women. It makes us less dependent on trying to manage a woman’s mood or happiness. 

DSO: So many of us become, in one facet or another, the child in a relationship when we get into a relationship with a woman. She becomes our surrogate mother. You had a concept in your book about this that you called “spending too much time in the nursery”.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, and you’re even going back to No More Mr. Nice Guy where I talk about being monogamous to mother.  Our mothers are always our first love object. If we grew up in a relatively healthy family system, the mother is not going to be hooking up an emotional hose to us and using us to get her needs met. Dad will be available to help initiate us into masculine adulthood. But for a lot of guys, including me, that didn’t happen. We kind of grew up with this model around women that oh, I’ve got to make her happy. I’ve got to keep her in a good mood. I’ve got to please her. All that does is, number one, you’re attracting women that kind of need that all the time and you’re training them that this is the way that you’ll always be. Again, this is where I tell guys we got to get out and get connected with men and that’s part of getting out of the nursery. I see that with so many men, especially younger men who grew up with the internet. They just followed the path of least resistance in life. They have women friends that they’re in the friend zone with, there’s no sexual polarity,  they repressed their sexuality, they get it all their sexual needs met through porn on the internet, they watch a lot of TV, they’re surfing the internet, whatever… and they never grow up. They’re in that nursery, seeking female validation while never doing anything that really challenges them. Any kind of real challenge scares them. I’m in a men’s program and there are like 50 guys in the program of all ages and types and what I see with a lot of the younger men…  It’s like they’re completely lost in life. Maybe they’re fit and they’re in good shape, but it’s like they’re like little boys seeking the approval of their mothers and that’s not attractive to women. Whatever women you do attract, I promise you the women will typically be fairly controlling and dominant. The little boy in the nursery is still trying to figure out how to please a woman who probably can’t be pleased, but we think we can if we just try harder because she says we can make her happy if we just would do this right or stop doing that other thing.

DSO: Yes, one of the grand ironies of being in a relationship with a woman is that if you allow her to dictate your behavior, and you start swinging your pendulum over in that direction, invariably you become less attractive to her.

Dr. Glover: Yep. A lot of guys will even tell me, hey when I first met a woman I set the tone, I led, I created polarity… but then once we started dating each other and she became my girlfriend, I slipped back into the whole Mr. Nice Guy boat. It’s because you’ve got an investment, right? You want her to stay your girlfriend. You want her to keep wanting to sleep with you. We then go into that pleasing mode, and yes, it has the very opposite effect.

The book I’m working on now, the working title is “Positive Emotional Tension” and the basic message is that women have to experience emotional tension all the time to experience an attraction towards a man, sexual arousal, and to stay attached to him over time. But unfortunately, we men don’t like emotional tension, especially in relationships. We want everything calm and smooth and easy and predictable, so we don’t create emotional tension for the woman by pleasing and playing it safe. Any emotional tension the woman might create we try to kill that. Then we can understand why the woman loses sexual interest in us, and then maybe loses complete interest in us. We weren’t doing anything to give to that woman what she needed to feel attracted and aroused by us.

DSO: Yeah. I always call it “That little bit of early relationship anxiety” that women seem to just really eat up. “What does he think about me? Does he really like me? What’s he doing now? Is he seeing that girl ?” We immediately try to squash this as men because we don’t like that. We like comfort. We like the tranquility and we like the feeling that everything’s cool. So, naturally, we try to squash that uncertainty. “No no, sweetie. I love you. I’m only with you. I’m predictable. I’m safe. I’ll take care of all your problems. Don’t worry.” 

Dr. Glover: Yeah, that kills it. Yeah. If I’m dating a woman and she brought up the “What are we?” conversation, and if I was not ready, I’d tell them, “Hey, until we have a conversation that you and I are seeing each other exclusively, you need to assume I’m seeing other people.” If they would say, “Well, are you?”,  even if I wasn’t I would say, “You need to assume that I am until we have a conversation otherwise.” Like you said, I used to think that me doing anything that might upset the woman is going to kill her interest in me. No, the opposite is true. Everything you do to try to make the woman happy kills her interest. 

DSO: Exactly. I think this is why you see so many men report to me that they caught their wife in an affair because her behavior changed so dramatically. She all of a sudden decided to start dressing younger, she started acting younger, she started hanging out with a different group, she lost 50 pounds, etc… and I say, “Well, it sounds like she was in the early stages of The Mating Game. She’s trying to attract or hold onto somebody that she’s found attractive. That’s what you do when you’re dating someone at first. I want to look my best. I want to act my most attractive.” For women, that means “I want to look as young and vibrant and as happy as possible because that’s that’s what will keep this new guy that I have interest in hanging around.” That’s what these guys see. They’re seeing the early Mating Game process right in front of them and there they think she’s gone crazy. No, she’s in love. 

Dr. Glover: And she is feeling that emotional tension with a guy that she can’t completely get all in with and he can’t completely get in all with her. That’s why affairs create so much emotional tension. There’s that longing, that uncertainty, that expectation which are really really powerful tools for creating emotional tension. Affairs have that built into them. It’s just that constant uncertainty. “When am I going to see him again? When am I gonna get a message?” It builds shitloads of emotional tension into a relationship and it’s why most relationships that begin as an affair go south really quickly, once the couple can actually get together.

DSO: When they catch their wife in the affair and they see she is so embroiled in all this chaos of the moment and she’s so in love,   the man will try to out-rationalize that. “Well, let me sit down with her and build the case for why this is stupid what she’s doing. Look, we have three kids. We got the house. We’ve been together 25 years, bla bla bla.” He can’t believe that she just doesn’t see any of this. I’ve even had men say they have written this out on paper for the wife to read, as in “Top 10 reason why you what you’re doing is stupid and you shouldn’t throw our marriage away”. I always tell them to stop, that they are absolutely no match for those feelings she’s having right now.

Dr. Glover: If the guys want to know what to do differently… basically it’s as simple as this: “Okay, I know you’re seeing somebody else. You know, I want a woman who wants to be with me. Do you want to be with me? Yes or no. Do you want to be with me? If you want to be with me, you have a choice. Stop it with that person and we get all in and we go to work on what’s wrong here, or we’re done now.”  That brings such a backbone, such an aliveness to that conversation, that she will be immediately turned on. I’m not saying do this thinking, “Well, here’s how I manipulate the situation”. She’s emotionally killing you. You cannot do anything right from here on out. As soon as she’s interested in somebody else, everything you do is going to be wrong. Even if you say you either get all the way in with me now and we go to work on it or you leave now, she’ll make that wrong as well, but it will still turn her on and create some emotional tension that all of a sudden will make that other guy look a lot less attractive. 

DSO: In your experience working with all of your clients, how often have you seen a man and a woman be able to turn things around after female-driven infidelity and go back to working on the marriage? Does that happen often?

Dr. Glover: Here’s my experience. I actually specialized in that with couples for a number of years in my practice as a marriage and family therapist. I actually turned that into a specialty and put a yellow page ad: “Healing after infidelity”. What I found out is there are usually two types of situations. One is you have a Serial cheater. This could be a man or a woman where you know for whatever reason… emotionally, physically, sexually…  they’re just not wired to be monogamous. Actually, I think none of us are, but there are some people that they’re just going to serially cheat. It’s just their nature and that’s not going to change. In most situations, the cheating is because the people in the relationship just got fucking bored with each other. They quit treating each other well, they quit creating emotional tension, they quit having an interesting life together, and it’s not that the person who cheated often went out looking for it. It often finds them. 

I tell guys, if you’re not creating emotional tension for a woman and you’re in a long-term relationship, she’ll go through a few stages. One is she’ll create a lot of emotional tension, but it’s often negative. She’ll start fights, she’ll nag, she’ll criticize, she’ll complain, she’ll flirt with your best friend… She’ll do things trying to create tension to get you to connect with her. If that doesn’t work over a period of time, they tend to go where they can get their needs or emotional tension met through other things. It can be the kids. It can be work. It can be their friends. Many women, they just eat, spend money, go shopping, you know, whatever to try to get some momentary buzz, and then they’re like a forest that hasn’t been rained on in a few years. It hasn’t had a good fire in many years. Somebody pays a little attention and it truly is just like a spark in a tinder-dry forest. They’re on fire. It just feels amazing. It feels great. They can’t get enough of it. That’s how most affairs begin. It’s usually not because most people are serial cheaters. There are enough of those people out there, men and women, but mostly it’s just because you know, it’s gone dry and then something comes along. 

Now, I’ve found that when people did come into my office, if there was enough love between them, maybe enough reasons to stay together, and the person who is cheating was willing to come clean, be honest, cut off that source of their drug, you know of the affair, and everybody was willing to get real with each other… I saw a lot of relationships become deeper, more loving and more vibrant than they had ever been before. So an affair can wake things up. I’m not suggesting it as a way to wake things up. But, like I said, usually it’s not a person going to look for more sex. There’s something that just finds them and they’re just so primed for it. So yes, I’ve seen it get better, but the person who’s had the affair has got to get real and get honest and the person on the other side usually has to grow a backbone and start showing some leadership in the relationship.

DSO: That second part there, showing the leadership in the relationship… I have yet to see that with any of my readers who have approached me. They’ve always taken the route of saying, “I’m going to try out nice this situation and fix it. She always said she wanted more gifts. Here are more gifts.” In other words, he’s just rewarding the horrible behavior.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, exactly. Just rewarding the bad behavior. I’ve been cheated on before. Not a lot. It’s not the pattern I tend to attract, but I’ve also cheated so I do know the other side of it and my experience is that most of it is just due to the lack of tension or it’s due to a person who can’t be faithful. 

Most of the women I’ve been with in the last 15 years, including my present wife, said to me, “How come you never get jealous?” I’ll say, “Well, you’ve never given me a reason to be jealous. If you give me a reason, I’ll let you know I’m not happy”. But the bottom line is if you want to be with me great. I want to be with you. If you don’t want to be with me, if you want to be with someone else, great. Get the hell out. That’s not worth getting jealous about. If you want the attention of another man, wonderful. Just tell me you want the attention of this other guy. I’ll let you go. I’m not going to fight with you about it. I’m not going to try to get you to come back. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. If that’s you, great. I got nothing to be jealous about. So that’s number one for me. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. If she doesn’t want to be with me, adios! See you later. I’ve got no interest in that, so I have no reason to get jealous. 

But yeah, like you said, the pleasing them and trying to make them happy or trying to convince them to quit having an affair. Good luck. 

DSO: What you’re doing with that response is, you’re portraying this essence of abundance. You are ancillary to my life. Without you I’m not going to curl up in a ball and die, so jump on and get on this ride of my life or not. It’s totally up to you. If not, hey, no hard feelings. See you later.

Dr. Glover: See you later. You move on. Yeah, I call it guys creating their great cake of a life. If you have a great cake of a life… good guy friends, pursuing your passions, working out regularly, leaning into challenge, giving your gift to the world… that’s your great cake. At best, the woman is the icing on top. You can have a great cake without icing, but I promise you as soon as you make a woman your cake or even make her one of the key ingredients of your cake, of your overall happiness and well-being in life, you’re going to be miserable. Make your cake and invite a great woman to be the icing on top. If you have to go without icing for a while, that’s okay. You’ll still have a great cake and you’ll still be amazingly magnetically attractive to women because they love a man with a great cake. 

DSO: I always tell men, “The women ain’t going anywhere.” It’s okay to give them a break for a while. You don’t have, as a man, the biological clock ticking. I have found that a lot of men are taking their mating/dating cues from women who in fact do have that urgency. Women will say, “Hey, I’m 35 years old. I don’t have a man right now. I’ve been dreaming of having a baby and a man since I’ve been 12 years old. I’m almost passed my prime. Let’s get to this.” I’ve also had guys tell me, “I’m not getting any younger. It’s time for me to find a woman.” It’s like, dude… you just got divorced a month ago. Give it time. There’s no biological clock here. You’re fine.

Dr. Glover: Yeah. I’ve got a friend who is 67 and he’s dating a 25-year-old. I’ve met her. She’s a nice person. I don’t think they’ll be together very long. The age difference really is too significant, and it is more than just that, but anyway, I remember asking him I said, “Well, does she want kids?” and he goes, “I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not going to even ask her. By the time her clock’s ticking and she may want kids, I’ll probably be dead. It doesn’t matter.” 

I actually liked that attitude. Why should he do something to give in to her clock, or her needs, at his age? He’s never been married. He’s never had kids. He’s not thinking, “I’m 67. I better get out there and get married and have kids.”  He lives an amazing life. That’s why he’s attracted to 25-year-olds. But yeah, he’s in no hurry to make anything happen. And I know if he gets bored of this one, or it doesn’t work out, next time I drop in to see him, she’ll probably be gone. He doesn’t hold onto them too long either if it’s not working out. He doesn’t need it for his ego.

DSO: Lastly, you touched on monogamy and saying that you’re not quite sure that’s our natural state as human beings, to begin with. There is a growing trend of open marriages right now. If you do a quick Google search… CNN did a story on the subject, it was covered in the New York Times, blogs, etc. They have headlines all about the rise of open marriages and how interesting it is that it is driven mostly by women. They are way more likely to say, “Honey, have you ever thought about sleeping around with others?” than a man is to bring it up. This goes right back to your point of saying there’s no more tension in their relationship. My point has always been… boy, there’s no way to introduce that sexy tension back into a relationship more than having sex with a new person. What an interesting phenomenon we have going on, how open marriages aren’t new, but they’re being thrust forth a legitimate alternative to monogamy right now in the mainstream press.

Dr. Glover: Yea, the spin that media is putting on it is this has been initiated by women, which …this goes down a whole other road which I’m actually going down in my next book about emotional tension. My basic premise is, because of our evolutionary wiring, we’re not wired for monogamy. Pair-bonded relationships only existed for less than 10,000 years in human existence. We’ve been communal sexually and otherwise for probably a million and a half to 2 million years where the tribe met all the needs of all the people. That meant everybody had sex with everybody, everybody raises the kids, everybody did whatever was needed to contribute to the well-being of everyone else. Now in this process, which to me is really interesting because it goes against how most men think, something about our evolutionary process wired women to be what I call “Sexual Ferraris”. They’re high energy, highly-tuned sexual machines.

Now, men say, ‘“What are you talking about?” But if you look at women, they are wired to have more sex more often with more partners and enjoy it more than men. I can prove that easily. Women are, I think, one of only two or three mammals that like to fuck for fun. They have sex out of season when they’re not in estrus. Whereas the average guy has one maybe two places on his body that can trigger an orgasm, I’ve known women that had four or five places. I’ve known women you could lick their nipples and they come, or they could think about sex and come. They’re highly wired machines. But we’ve got this idea that women aren’t that interested in sex, they’re very choosy, very this, or very that… and I’m saying well, okay, I think men have made sex costly for women in terms of how we structured the patriarchy for 10,000 years, and I’m not going to go off on the whole patriarchy thing because a lot of that’s just noise anyway, but men were trying to provide and protect for women.  I think we were trying to guard property. So if women were not interested in sex, why did we invent chastity belts? Why do we put them in burkas? Why did we put scarlet letters on their foreheads? Why did we stone them for having sex? Why do most religions preach against a woman’s sexuality? If women did not like sex and didn’t like to be fucked and fucked well, why is it that men worked so hard to try to repress female sexuality?

So it doesn’t surprise me that women might be leading this movement towards open marriages. I’ll hear guys say, “Well, I haven’t had that experience with women” and I’ll say that well, probably two things have happened. One, you’ve either picked really wounded women that don’t like sex, or when it comes to sex we men are basically sexual mopeds. We think sex is finding any handy hole to stick our dick in and ejaculate and that’s good sex. If a sexual Ferrari has that kind of experience enough times with the guy, do you think she’s going to keep coming back for more of that? So I teach men that a lot of it goes back to this creating emotional tension. Men have to learn how to drive a sexual Ferrari. If we don’t learn how to drive that sexual Ferrari, they will go looking for something else because it’s how they’re wired. They are wired to be fucked often and fucked well, and I don’t mean that in a dismissive way at all. It’s just how women are wired by Mother Nature and if a man is not having that experience with women the man needs to take a look at what’s going on on his end of things

DSO:  He’s just not pushing her buttons. I always say that once the women’s buttons are pushed they run laps around us men. Women need to feel safe and free to express their sexuality. A good example is when she is with friends at a bachelorette party and there’s a male stripper. Everyone just kind of agrees that they can all act crazy. Just sit down with a male stripper and talk to him and say, “Tell me your greatest stories” and just prepare to wowed.

Yet, many men are blown away by this and instead of embracing female sexuality for what it is, which there’s nothing inherently bad about it… just like there’s nothing inherently bad about our “horny male nature”… so many men, especially young men, are looking at it as a very negative thing. It’s almost as if there’s a secret these women are holding from us all this time. For a lot of men, their answer to exposing the “truth” is to completely avoid women altogether. I see that a lot. They pride themselves on that. No dates. No sex. No nothing for years and years.

Dr. Glover: Yeah. There’s a whole movement out there: “Men Going Their Own Way”. I keep coming across more and more of the different manifestations of what the internet helps men to do. They basically complain and feel done to and victimized and whine a lot. But yeah, I’m all about empowering men, and I know you are too, and I think if we can see men and women more accurately without all of our judgments and projections, we can have more compassion, more empathy and a hell of a lot more fun. If we can let go of all of our negative projections, we can find a woman or women who do want to play and have fun and have a good time with us and bless our lives as we bless theirs. But, I promise you, you’re not going to bless their lives by just giving them more goodies or trying to be that nice guy that hides his sexual interest from them. They get bored with that.

DSO: Well said. So, after they read your new book, “Dating Essentials for Men” and they want to take it to the next level, can they sign up with you for some coaching sessions or anything similar?

Dr. Glover: Yeah, first check out the book see if it’s your cup of tea. I call it “the un-pick up guide to dating success”. It really is about, as I said, creating a social and emotional intelligence that attracts women to you and then learning what to do from there. If it clicks for you, I have what I call a dating Essentials bonus bundle. It’s got 25 plus hours of recorded Q&A with me, the Dating Essentials for Men A to Z encyclopedia where I answer over 200 questions in a digital format, a workbook,  monthly coaching sessions that are part of the bundle, and a private Facebook group… so there’s a lot of goodies all packed into that. Just go to, then check out the books. There’s also the e-book on Amazon right now. I just got a contract to do an Audible version of it. Hopefully, we’ll have it in print soon. is where they can find it all. 

DSO: Very cool. It sounds like you have some other books in the works?

Dr. Glover: Yes, I set a goal last year to write ten books in ten years and Dating Essentials for Men was one, The Dating Encyclopedia the other, the next one I’m working on as I said, I’m calling it right now “Positive Emotional Tension”, and then I’ve got a whiteboard right to my side here with a list of several more that hopefully I’ll get written in the next 10 years.

DSO: Your first book was No More Mr. Nice Guy, correct?

Dr. Glover: Yes, No more. Mr. Nice guy is my first book, Dating Essentials for Men is the second.

DSO: For those not familiar with No More Mr. Nice Guy, you do have groups that are scattered around the country that people can go meet in person with other men, correct? 

Dr. Glover: I’ve got several certified coaches and therapists that have done training with me and a lot of them do have groups. There are also online groups. Yeah, they can just check out and you can find my workshops and my seminars. I have an online university with self-help courses, the certified coaches and therapists, consultation… So visit both and

Dr. Robert Glover - Dating Essentials for Men
Dr. Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy