Interview With A Dad Starting Over – Richard

Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

Richard purchased my book, the Dead Bedroom Fix, to help out with the lack of intimacy in his marriage. Like a lot of men in his shoes, the issues he is facing are deeper than “My wife doesn’t seem to like sex anymore”. For Richard, “starting over” means scrubbing clean his identity as a husband and putting a new gameplan for life in place. So far, the new prescription has worked wonders for his married sex life, and more importantly… for his sense of self worth and purpose.


DSO
So tell my readers a little about yourself. Age, kids, etc..

Richard
Self employed. 45 years old. Wife is 47. Blended family. Her four kids ages 27, 22, 20, 17 and my three ages 19, 17, 15. Four boys and three girls. My first marriage ended in infidelity of ex and my best friend.

DSO
Oh wow… that’s quite the litter of kids you got there! And her ex is still in the picture… Still in the kids’ lives?

Richard
Her oldest never knew his dad, her middle two have lost contact with theirs and her youngest has had limited involvement in the past but is more involved now. My three are quite close with their mother.

DSO
So if I understand you correctly, her children are from three different men?

Richard
Yes sir.

DSO
So how did you two meet?

Richard
Her father and her middle ex (if you will) worked for my family’s business many years ago. When her and her ex split up she moved away for several years. She moved back around the time of my divorce and her father was still working for me. She started working for me at that time as well. Our families were somewhat close throughout the years. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time at work and we got to know each other quite well through that and a romance blossomed.

DSO
How long did you officially date before getting hitched?

Richard
Just over 2 years.

DSO
Did she ever share with you the circumstances of her past relationships?

Richard
In great detail, lol! The first was a circumstance of teen pregnancy. Second was a very controlling one and third was a matter of substance abuse to be brief.

DSO
So blending these two big families… Was that as stressful as it sounds?

Richard
At first it was very natural. We did have some challenges but the kids for the most part got along great. When her oldest daughter got into her teens it became very challenging and then her and her brother’s father became involved with them and it really got hairy then. My wife and I were on mostly the same page with parenting and very involved with the kids, so between us it was smooth but not without edges. I consider us pretty lucky to have had it as smooth as we did. My oldest boy gave her a lot of grief and her oldest girl gave it to me.

DSO
So how long have you two been married?

Richard
11 years.

DSO
During those 11 years, did you ever see similarities between your wife and your ex?

Richard
I suppose a few. I’ll admit to some ignorance. I guess I noticed the differences more. My ex was not a very good house keeper and my wife is very anal about a clean, tidy, decorated house. However when things got rocky a few years ago I found myself exactly where I had already been before in the eyes of a woman. The pattern leading to my first divorce was being completely emulated.

DSO
And what are those patterns? And what led to “rocky”?

Richard
Lack of acknowledgements, critical statements, praise for others. Longer periods between intimate actions. I suppose the lead up to “rocky” was I found myself disconnecting from her as well. I was really busy at work, and it was hunting season so I had my focus primarily on those 2 things. And one morning, the day after she had a booth setup at a fair, I was at work and she texted me a book of issues she had with my kids and myself. The veracity of it was kind of out of the blue. I responded very emotionally and the days following were very cold. I tried to apologize and wanted to “work on us” but she didn’t even want to talk about it. Then she was in contact with a musician she met at the fair and they started somewhat of a working relationship which I would later find out was the start of an emotional affair.

DSO
Sounds like it can all be summarized as “wife lost respect” for you.

Richard
Yes, lost respect for me. Looking down on me from the pedestal I put her up on.

DSO
I would naturally assume the relationship with the musician started prior to that long text.

Richard
The day before is when they met.

DSO
Wow. So the respect was knocked down, her boundaries were knocked down, somebody caught her eye… and she immediately went on the offense to push you away.

Richard
That’s exactly right! Your book described him to a T. The bad boy, the guy up on stage. I probably owe him a beer as he rejected her idea of getting together. He had a girlfriend and boundaries I guess. My wife came to me after that wanting to reconcile. I had pretty much checked out at that point but was part of another group that brought to light that I might be a part of the problem in it all too. Those were hard pills to swallow but I read a book at the time “The Five Love Languages” and things improved slowly.

DSO
So what was the extent of her interaction with the other man?

Richard
To my knowledge, many many text messages. They did a fund raiser together and texting there after. I found an email where he rejected her advances to take it further. The texts stopped cold thereafter and she developed a hatred for him and a desire to reconcile with me. I only seen his rejection message, I do not know exactly what she said to him, but his response was telling.

DSO
Sounds like she pursued him pretty strongly. And she knows what you saw?

Richard
Yes and yes.

DSO
So there was a big fallout. She wants back. You are leaning more towards making her go away. You’re thinking, “Oh God… not this shit again.”

Richard
Exactly!! With shattered confidence and a sense of what a great provider I’ve been to deserve this.

DSO
So what happened next? How long did you continue on in a state of limbo?

Richard
A couple weeks anyway. We talked a lot and moved forward together and got back to normal eventually and that lasted until about last spring when I noticed the distance reappear. Couldn’t put my finger on it but it just felt uncomfortable how she wasn’t very attentive to me when we went out.

DSO
Did you have reason to believe she had strayed again?

Richard
None at all really. It was just kinda like she had no concern for me or what I was doing in social settings. She’s much rather be talking or helping others than hold my hand. Does that make sense? Kinda hard to explain but my radar was up and this was familiar. In hindsight and with current knowledge, the only catalyst missing was another candidate like before. Perhaps boundaries were intact but nothing across the line was appealing/available.

DSO
Yep, sounds like she was back in the “detached and hunting” mode again. So how did you respond to her change in behavior?

Richard
I dug back into what I had learned before. I actually stumbled across Jordan Peterson’s work at this time. It was brilliant! I watched his YouTube videos and read his book, 12 Rules for Life. I really started a focus on myself and through another group from before started to get a grip on my short comings as an individual. As a man. I more and more started building my confidence and started to lose concern for how she was behaving. And her behaviour started to change back a bit with that. And then I was scrolling Facebook one day and the ad for your book came up. I read the forward and at a price of $10, what the hell. I read half that night and half the next morning. WOW! WTF just happened?! I’ll never forget the moment I read about yelling at a woman and being equivalent to a kid wanting their way! And the part about being a man and doing what needs doing because you’re a man, you have time, so you do it. What a shock! What a blunt punch in the face! So I started to practice your book, recognize what I was doing wrong and correcting. It was about a week after that and I’ll never forget walking into the kitchen and her pulling me in and giving kisses, real kisses and saying I love you. I pushed her hair back on the sides of her face and pulled her in and said I love you too with a big old kiss. Since then life is different, WAY DIFFERENT!

For the week after reading your book I always like to reference that I didn’t neglect or ignore her, but I never minded her if that makes sense. I focused on me, the gym, and getting shit done around the house that had been laying around undone for far too long.

DSO
Wow… what an abrupt turnaround! Not going to lie… that’s not the norm. Usually it takes months to get to the “wife molests me in the kitchen” stage. Has she said she recognizes your changes?

Richard
What a woman says, lol! Not directly no. She actually has, like the book referenced, tried to get in the way of the gym and working out. But it’s her actions that indicate she’s noticed! Lots of affections and closeness regardless the surroundings. When I line up things to do she tries to help and participate. Sexy time was up but then she had surgery so that messed it up a bit, but back on track now and dead bedroom no more. I realize it’s not the norm, and I haven’t been “molested” in the kitchen yet, but that distance, that discomfort, it’s totally gone.

DSO
Awesome. So… there’s always that lingering monster in the closet. She has emotionally drifted in the past and actually drifted right to another man. That’s her way of coping when she’s in some kind of emotional turmoil. You’re doing YOUR job of going through the steps and becoming the best all-around dude you can be. Has SHE, in your opinion, done the work of becoming the all-around best wife she can be? In other words… is she putting in the necessary work to be worthy of being called “Richard’s wife”?

Richard
The effort is definitely being applied. She also copes by spending. She knows my past disdain for this when it’s reckless, if you will, and I’ve noticed her putting the brakes on that recently. She’s always had a nice figure and continues to maintain it well. So up to now the answer is yes. As for the monster, perhaps it shows up again in the future. But I’m not afraid of it like before. In one of your articles, forgive me, I can’t remember which one, you mentioned many men thrive after a mate leaves them. I know my path, she can come or go somewhere else, I’m good. I want her along, but I don’t need it.

DSO
Excellent! So any plans to kick things up a notch with the wife? Here in a few years you could potentially have an empty nest. Changes the relationship dynamic quite a bit.

Richard
I’m not sure what you mean kick it up, lol! I am very much looking forward to the empty nest! We have three grandkids now, two of them close by and the latest (last week) is a few hours away so a lot of focus on making that trip right now. We both love travel and are making plans for that in future too.

DSO
Travel is a good way to keep things fun and interesting. Any kind of activity that it outside the norm and brings about some excitement/anxiety in her… do more of that.

Richard
Indeed! Last week when grandchild number three was born we went up for a few days, it was interesting because we were very close and intimate the first night and the next three nights we stayed at our daughter’s place to help out. Wasn’t so close and not intimate, but I was busy helping with their house and tidying while my wife was busy with baby, of course. I didn’t have time or energy anyway, lol. But when we got home, intimacy was in full bloom, like she wanted now, lol!

DSO
Nice! Family time is not conducive to sexy time.

Richard
Exactly! I have also been stepping outside of my comfort zone when I get a chance lately. Public speaking has offered me a couple opportunities and she loves to tout about that to other women, especially the ones that husbands were asked and went the way of the coward, lmao!

DSO
That’s awesome! Should be proud of yourself. Thanks for the time to chat! Anything else you wish to share with everyone?

Richard
So, so much, but I’ll keep it brief. I won’t discount the lessons I’ve learned from Jordan Peterson, but my friend (and I don’t mean that lightly), you provided me a whole new outlook on life and wife! Guys out there looking for success, it’s your confidence in yourself. You need to become a good, a better, at continually improving you. Reach inward and pull that man out! Hands on shoulders, big yank, and head out of ass!

Listen to every podcast. Read every article. DSO knows what’s up!

The provider is dead, the man for your wife is an all-round man. She knows that, and she will eventually not settle any longer.

DSO
Thank you, my friend!!

RECOMMENDED READING

Ultimate Responsibility

Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes

Not sure if it’s because of the holidays, but requests for my one-on-one coaching have gone up. Email frequency is up. This is almost becoming another full-time job. I’m not complaining! Hey, this is what I wanted and now I got it. Thanks to all of you for trusting me and sharing your stories. I really appreciate it.

As I’ve said before, I always see patterns in these conversations with readers. The stories… wow, they are all the same. As I’ve said so many times on this site, people are just so damn predictable. Most of the guys I talk to are convinced that their situations are so special and unique… and I can sometimes finish their sentences for them.

Me: “Yeah, and she said she loves you but she’s not IN LOVE with you, she’s always on her phone, she stays out later, and she’s acting younger and crazier… right?”

Dude: “Sigh… yeah. Exactly.”

Well, this post is not going to be anotherAll women are the same article that you’ve probably read in some form or another on countless other forums and websites. No, this here article is about YOU. More specifically, it’s about YOU taking responsibility for your current situation. It’s about YOU turning that finger around and pointing it at your own damn self. It’s about YOU realizing that the planet didn’t conspire to make your life such a shit show that it is right now. No, what you’re experiencing is a culmination of the little eroneous decisions you have made over the years, and a little bit of bad luck to go with it.

Allow me to illustrate via a typical conversation with a reader.

Dude: “It was just like you said on your site. I did everything I thought was right in the relationship. I was a really good husband and dad. Now she’s acting completely crazy. She accused me of raping her. She’s taken the kids away. She’s telling everyone that I hurt her. She took all the money out of our account. She’s sleeping with some loser guy who got out of prison last month for drugs. Why is she doing this?! My brother went through something just like this with his ex-wife. God, all women are just completely crazy. Have you ever heard of MGTOW?”

 

Me: “Well, let’s back up here a minute. We’re getting way ahead of ourselves. Tell me about her life. What was her family like?”

 

Dude: “Oh, it was bad. Her mom cheated on her dad. Her dad killed himself. Her mom married three times. One of the step-dads abused her. My wife ran away when she was 14. She did drugs. Prostitution. She had a kid when she was 19. Then she turned herself around and became a registered nurse. That’s when I met her. I was a patient of hers.”

 

Me: “Wow. That’s some story. So, tell me about your dating. How long before you married?”

 

Dude: “We dated for about two months and then I moved her and her daughter in with me. We got married about two months after that.”

 

Me: Sigh…

For those of you with no experience in this world of mine, this may sound like an outlandish scenario.  It’s insanely common. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some variation of this story. These men are the biggest saviors in their own minds. They hide behind the wall of “doing what is right for the marriage”, holding their head high as they see the “real person” underneath the facade of awfulness that the rest of the world sees. “I brought her in when nobody else would”, I often hear. “I didn’t hold her past against her. I was proud of her for what she had become.” The myth that anyone and everyone is right for a long-term monogamous relationship strikes again.  Real love ain’t for everyone, as our hero learns in the hardest way possible.

Truth: Not everyone is worth saving. Not everyone really wants to be saved. That’s a tough thing for a lot of guys to come to grips with. So many men I talk to fall under the category of “severely codependent”. Codependency is nothing new, but when combined with the blind lustfulness of a testosterone-fueled male, it’s deadly.  She’s a broken and misunderstood woman who also happens to be extremely physically attractive and a porn star in bed? Oh, then he’ll roll out the red carpet for her. He’ll put up with the worst of the worst behavior for just a chance to drink from the fountain that is his “dream woman” again. He got a taste of the high only a hyper-sexual and “crazy” woman can provide… and he doesn’t ever want to go back. You know what they say. “Crazy in head, crazy in bed.” 

These broken women eventually push and push away these “good” men from their lives. They don’t just stop there. They do all they can to hurt them, too. I’ve heard it all. From accusing them of rape, child molestation, stealing money, physical assault, lying to friends, getting friends to hurt the husband, sleeping with countless men, etc… nothing, it seems, it off the table when the mental switch is flipped and the broken wife’s brain decides, “We no longer desire or need this male. Make him go away.”

Then, in typical borderline fashion, she wants back in. The man, in his equally broken frame of mind, caves in. The process repeats. It gets exponentially worse, actually.

Then, once he hits rock bottom, the man has the audacity to point the finger back at society. He’ll blame politicians. He’ll blame the female-centric court system. He’ll claim that all women are like his broken wife. He’ll become very melodramatic in his proclamations of victimhood. If you get him alone for five minutes, he’ll let you know how the world is conspiring against him.

He rarely, if ever, points the finger at himself.

Ironically, these are the same guys who fall RIGHT AWAY for another woman. “Oh no… this one is different. She loves me unconditionally. I’ve never felt this way before.”  They are also very quiet about the circumstances of the new relationship. Later, I’ll learn that she is a mirror image of the ex. The outer shell may be night and day different, but the inner-workings are the same broken computer with the same erroneous code stuck in the same negative feedback loop of destruction and chaos.

With these men, it takes everything I have to not say, “Okay, let’s go ahead and pencil you in for another chat one year from now. We’ll call it the ‘I’m ready to work on myself for once, post divorce #2’ meeting. Sound good?”

Instead I smile and wish them the best.

Not everyone wants help or is capable of receiving it, and that goes for some of you, as well.  Are you so caught up in your current victimhood that you can’t see the obvious right in the mirror?

I’m also looking at you guys in dead bedrooms. There’s a theme of resentment and anger that I can see festering and growing amongst men online who have been hurt. This seems to permeate all facets of men and their experiences in relationships, dead bedrooms included.

  • Man marries awful broken woman, has kids, and is later cheated on and treated like dirt. “This crazy awful bitch is ruining me. Why is she doing this?!”
  • Man is stuck in a sexless marriage with a woman who lost attraction years ago. “Why won’t she just compromise and show me validation and love! That’s what you DO in a marriage! It’s a two-way street, you know!”

Both scenarios are completely skipping over the important initial step of ultimate responsibility. YOU can only control YOU. That is both a comforting and hurtful proposition. “Wait… it was MY fault for marrying that woman?” Yep. Nobody held a gun to your head. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move on. “Wait, she is not attracted to me, and it may be because I’ve not been an attractive partner?” Yep. You probably dropped the ball somewhere along the line. Her affection and sexual arousal aren’t unconditional. Nor should yours be.

The reason so many men put up with this level of awfulness and allow it to get to the point of no-return is simple: Deep down they have no self-worth. They can hide behind their victimhood and point the finger at the crazy  or “low libido” wife sitting across from them, or they can point the finger at themselves… and start the very uncomfortable and extremely difficult task of coming to grips with their own shortcomings. This path is REALLY REALLY tough to go down, but, like all things in life, it’s ultimately the most rewarding.

What do these men fear the most? The task of facing ultimate responsibility will lead them to a crossroad in life. A man who takes ultimate responsibility and does the hard work of looking inward will realize his value… and that may mean walking away from bad situations. That may mean being ALONE. That is terrifying to a lot of men, especially if it means they have to play the part of the “asshole” temporarily.  Ultimately, it’s the healthier option… but many can’t see past their own deep-seated inadequacies. It’s one thing to say, “I value myself and want to be a better man”, it’s another to say “No” to the comfort that a relationship can bring, even if it’s abusive and filled with dread.

A man who truly gets his shit in order and works on himself enters the relationship world in a completely different way. It’s a TOTALLY different environment that he sees around him. The light gets turned on. Suddenly he’s turning away more women than he is agreeing to meet for coffee. Suddenly he’s not so emotionally hurt when his wife says, “I don’t feel like it tonight.” Suddenly he sees the value he brings to that part of his life. Suddenly he GETS IT. Then, magically, a whole giant set of problems are wiped completely from the table… because he was the one to put those problems there in the first place.

Funny how that works.

RECOMMENDED READING

Just Dunk the F*CKING BALL!

Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

A new high school basketball coach has just been hired. It’s day one of practice. He walks into the gym and sees the group of kids that he has to work with. He sees players of all shapes and sizes. Chubby kids. Skinny kids. Some kids still look like puberty hasn’t yet hit. Some kids look like 25-year-olds with facial hair. Such is the world of high school athletics.

You can tell the true athletes right away. The way they move and carry themselves shows that they will be the ones in charge out on the floor. They will be the leaders. An experienced coach can tell which ones will be passive and sitting on the bench all season. They’re the little guys who just kind of wander around the court staring at their shoes instead of chasing after balls during the free shoot-arounds before practice and games. Their parents probably strongly suggested (forced) them to join the team. They would be better off in the library or joining the academic team… but here they are. Good coaches recognize their different abilities and find some way to bring something positive out of them. At the very least, this will be a good way to build up their social skills and get in better physical shape.

Then the coach sees somebody who makes his mouth drop. This kid has to be close to seven feet tall. He’s not a skinny “his bones are about to snap at any moment” seven feet tall, either. He’s an athlete. Muscles popping out everywhere. Watching him run and jump around on the court… this kid is REALLY something special.  He’s dribbling the ball like a point guard. This will be one REALLY good year.

The coach calls the team over and introduces himself. The kids are all attentive and respectful. Good. The less time he has to discipline and play dad/drill sargeant, the better. Now he tells the kids to do some running drills to get warmed up before they break up into groups and work on specific skills. The “warm up” is also an opportunity to get an even better look at who the athletes and non-athletes are.

Much to his surprise, the seven-footer is routinely leading the group in doing the “suicides” drill up and down the court. He sprints like a gazelle. The tallest kid on the floor AND the fastest? Wow. This kid is something special.

After the running drills are done, half of the team is bent over at the waist, grabbing their shorts, and gasping for air. John, the seven-footer, is not even breathing hard. He looks like he could do this all day. The coach smiles and fist-bumps the kid. “Okay, everyone. Let’s split up into groups.” He points to all the big guys. “You four, come down here with me. The others I want you all to go down to the other end with coach Bradley.” Now it’s time to see how this John kid does in some one-on-one drills in the post.

The coach pairs John up with the next-tallest kid on the team. They take turns on offense and defense, working on their footwork, turning and shooting the ball, learning when to pass out of the post, etc. John seems to be doing pretty well and seems somewhat familiar with all the terminology. He knows how to keep the defender behind him, he knows how to post up, he can shoot close range with either hand pretty well. There is A LOT of positives to work with here. This makes the coach even happier.

After about 15 minutes of drills the coach blows the whistle. “THREE ON THREE DRILLS!”. Coach gathers the players together and explains how they will be running up and down the court for the next 20 minutes playing against each other. He wants to see players cutting to the basket, he wants to see good passes, he wants to see players going for the steals… and he wants to see it all done fast. The more repetitions they get up and down the floor, the better. Most players seem eager to actually “play” together and show off. John looks a little anxious. This is the first time coach has seen John look less than completely comfortable out on the floor.

Coach splits up the players into teams of three.  John’s team is up first. The small point guard dribbles down the court. John makes a quick spin move, leaves his defender standing still and cuts  to the basket. The point guard sends John a leading pass. John grabs the ball and has an open lane to the basket. He drives, elevates, and gently lays the ball above the rim… and the ball rattles out. No basket. Coach blows the whistle. “JOHN! In a situation like that, you don’t want to finesse the ball in there. People are going to be coming hard at you so you need to go hard to the basket and dunk it. If you try to lay it in like that you have a higher chance of missing… just like you did just now with nobody on you. Alright??” John nods and steps to the side to wait his turn.

John’s team is up again. This time he cuts to the basket, plants his feet, turns and faces the point guard. He wants to post up on the defender. Coach likes the energy. He likes that he’s trying different things.

The defender has no chance. He’s only six feet tall. It’s like watching a dad take on his little son in driveway basketball.  Players can’t help but laugh at the mismatch.  John gets the ball down low. He makes one move that sends the defender stumbling to the ground. John turns his body, elevates, and tries a baby hook shot that banks off of the back board. Another miss. The coach, again, blows the whistle. “JOHN! Again… you lost the defender. He’s on the ground. You’re a foot taller than him. There’s no need to keep that far away from the basket and try a hook shot. Turn right up to the basket, elevate, and throw it down! You’re right there. Next time, a defender is going to swat at you so you need to be ready, go hard, and get the two points. Got it?!” John nods. He looks defeated as he hangs his head and walks to the sideline.

John’s team is up one more time. Once again the point guard gets the ball and John takes off for the basket. He runs directly to the basket with no defender in his way. He’s way too fast for them to keep up with him.  The point guard gives him an arching pass right to the rim. An alley-oop. Here comes the thunderous dunk they’ve all been waiting for. All the players that were sitting on the sideline stand up in awe as the pass leaves the guards hands. John jumps, catches the ball in mid-air, he’s easily twelves inches above the rim… and he lets the ball go. The ball drops, bounces around on the rim for what seems like 10 minutes… and finally falls in. It’s two points, but not the way the coach wanted it. A kid on the sideline beats coach to the punch and yells, “DUDE! JUST DUNK THE FUCKING BALL!!!” Coach blows his whistle and yells towards the sidelines. “WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! I’LL BE THE COACH OUT HERE, OK?!” The team gets quiet.

Coach blows his whistle again. “Water break! Hustle back.” The kids start jogging towards the water fountains on the other side of the gym. Coach grabs John by the arm. “Hold on, John. We need to chat.” He motions for John to sit down. “Okay, look. That’s three times now that you’ve had the ball right at the rim, with no defender. You’re one for three… and that last one was just dumb luck. That shouldn’t have gone in. You would be three for three if you’d just dunk the thing. You’re already above the rim. Why not just throw it down? Son, if I was as fast, as strong and as tall as you… I’d be dunking that ball every chance I get. I used to have dreams about dunking the ball when I was your age, but I never got past 5’11”. You’ve been given a gift here, and you need to use it right if you want to play on this team. Understand what I’m saying?” John just nods and looks a little teary-eyed. Coach sighs. “Alright… talk to me. What’s going on? Everything good at home?” John explains that yeah, everything at home is fine. He doesn’t know why he can’t dunk it. He tried before and he missed and everyone laughed at him. He tried a couple more times last year and never could do it. He gave up on it. He loves basketball, but he sucks at it and he doesn’t know why.

Coach sighs. “Ok. You just have a mental block, right? It’s all in your head. I’m telling you… if you just get ONE dunk down, it will all click for you and you’ll be dunking ALL the time. Then you’ll get more confident and the sky is the limit for you. You are absolutely the best player out there. No joke. You just need to tell yourself that and believe it. Can you stick around after practice today? You and I will work on it together. I promise you will make this happen for you.” 

The other players return from their water break and several of them start right away asking John why he’s not dunking the ball. John does a good job of ignoring them. Coach blows the whistle and they get back to working on drills. For the rest of the practice, John continues to refuse to attempt a dunk. His fellow players continue to yell at him. Coach eventually steps in and tells them to cut back on the chatter and play hard. He knows John is fragile, but he also knows it’s good for him to hear this from his peers. Plus, once he DOES dunk it, he will feel that much better about rubbing it in his teammates faces. The thought puts a smile on coach’s face. Now… how to get John to believe in himself and get him to do something as simple as throwing a ball through a metal hoop…?

===============================================================================

The analogy should be pretty obvious at this point. I’ve been in this DSO game for years now, and I can tell you that SO MANY of you are John the seven-footer, and you don’t even know it. You are RIGHT THERE at the hoop, and you just need to take the next step of throwing the ball down.

You stick around an abusive, cheating, borderline spouse… and the rest of us sit back and say, “WTF? WHYYY?!” Just dunk the fucking ball. Leave her.

You’ve been divorced for three years but you’re too afraid to ask the cute gal at the coffee shop out on a date. Just dunk the fucking ball. Talk to the girl.

You started dating a gal, she makes you feel amazing, but you just found out that she cheated on her ex-husband and she’s been lying to you for the past three months. Just dunk the fucking ball. Break up with her.

You caught your wife cheating for the second time, but still want to try and make it work. She refuses to go to counseling. She refuses to stop texting her lover. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Just fucking dunk the ball. Call an attorney tomorrow. Divorce her.

You hate your low paying night shift job? Just dunk the fucking ball. Put a resume together and start hitting the streets and get a better job.

Don’t have the right job skills? Just dunk the fucking ball. Go find out what skills you need and talk to people that will tell you how to get them. Don’t take no for an answer. Failed? Try again.

Your ex has threatened you and says she won’t let you see your kids? Just dunk the fucking ball. Call an attorney today and find out your rights. Don’t play the nice guy roll anymore. Get mean. Put her in jail, if it comes to that.

Upset that no women will give you attention? Mad that your dream of living happily-ever-after with one woman forever may not happen? Just dunk the fucking ball. Recognize that you can make YOU your priority for once. Make it a game. Improve a little each and every day. Become a guy that your kids, your peers and your community can look up to. When you become an undeniably great guy, your perspective on life changes completely. Suddenly you don’t NEED a woman to complete you any longer. Then guess what happens? Yep, they come out of the woodwork. Then you find that you’re suddenly picky about who you let into your world. Funny how that works…

JUST. DUNK. THE. FUCKING. BALL.

Losing Those Last Few Pounds

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

I have a personal goal right now… and that is to be a very lean and mean 190 lbs. I started around 203 lbs several weeks back, and now I’m at around 195. Little bit yet to go… and it has NOT been easy.

Why It’s Hard

When you get to “in pretty good shape” levels of fitness, the body just does all it can to keep things right where they’re at. If you’re a huge obese person, a change in diet and exercise can result in 10+ lbs of fat falling off week after week. If you are at 15% bodyfat and workout regularly (like me), then your body says, “Nah… I think I need to hold on to this fat. Good try, though.”  It’s tough.

How I’m Doing It

For me, diet wise, it’s a two-fold process:

  1. I’m eating less. For you gym rats, yes… It’s okay to feel a little hungry before bedtime. Guys who lift weights and work out regularly tend to WAY overestimate the amount of calories they need to take in on a daily basis. You don’t NEED that much food to function and recuperate.  You’re not going to waste away. You’re also not a steroid-abusing professional bodybuilder. There are a ton of people out there that are experimenting with Intermittent Fasting (extended periods of no food… like skipping breakfast or just eating one meal a day). The commonality in all of the IF eating programs is that you, in the end, are eating fewer calories overall. It really is a simple math game. You eat less, you lose weight. Cut your portions down. Eliminate the junk food that is so densely packed with calories.
  2. I’m still eating mostly protein, fruits and greens. It’s not technically a Ketogenic diet (I eat more carbs on workout days), but it’s close to it. Why? Are carbs evil? No, but for me and my body, I just can’t eat a carby diet without a huge hunger response. In other words, if I eat some crackers … I want more. Like, now. Right away. If I eat a fat steak and some salad, I have to remind myself to eat six hours later. My body just remains satiated for much longer. No blood sugar spikes and crashes. No craving for the crunchy/salty/sweet stuff. No bloat and water retention.

My Progress

Renpho scaleI use the RENPHO scale that measures my weight as well as bodyfat, water, etc. How accurate is it? I’m sure it’s not 100% accurate for just $30, but it seems to be PRETTY close. The numbers are close enough to use as a helpful tool for me to use to gauge my progress.  It sends the data to my phone for me to track in a free app. Here’s a look at my progress:

 

Notice how I seem to have a spike before a drop in weight? Happens every time for me. I don’t know the science behind it, but that’s how my body works. It gives one little gasp of a protest, and then the weight comes off overnight. I have learned not to be frustrated with sudden spikes in weight.

You’re Going to Need Extra Help

There are a few extra things (above eating less) that you’re going to need to do to loose those extra few pounds:

  1. Drink a ton of water. All day. Every day. No, soda doesn’t count. Just plain ol’ water. It fills you up. Keeps your muscles hydrated. Keeps the system functioning properly. Drink more water.
  2. Have a little coffee in the morning. This always helps me before working out. Gives me that extra little oomph I need. I don’t do the pre-workout powder supplements I see so many kids using in the gym. Those have the equivalent of several cups of coffee and a bunch of other crap in them. I just like plain ‘ol coffee. There are known health benefits that go beyond just the stimulant effect. There is evidence that it also helps to boost the immune system and supresses appetite.
  3. Eat plenty of fiber. Salad greens. Broccoli. Metamucil fiber is an excellent supplement to your diet that keeps things moving through your gut and has positive effects on heart health. It also helps keep you feeling full. That’s important for those nights when you just want to eat several spoons of peanut butter.
  4. Do your cardio. Yes, I know it sucks. Mix it up a bit. Do the more “traditional” cardio but kick it up a notch. Get on the treadmill, but set the incline to 10%. Get on the stair master and kick up the speed a notch or two and sweat it out for 30 minutes. Throw in the rowing machine. Try more “high intensity” things like battle ropes and kettle bell swings. Try box jumps if your knees and ankles can take it. The cardio is great for your heart health (hence it being called “cardio”) and it will help burn off more calories and be good for your overall sense of wellbeing.

Be patient.

This stuff takes time. You HAVE to measure your progress and make adjustments. You’re going to have to be strict with your diet and exercise plan. It’s okay to give yourself a little treat now and then, but be honest with yourself if you notice the scale numbers not moving for a couple of weeks. Even though you did all those hours of cardio and lifting and had 5 days of strict eating, you could’ve very well wiped out all that progress with one Saturday afternoon of beer and chips at the football game.  Remember, you can’t out-work a bad diet. Abs start in the kitchen.

Get good sleep.

A lot of you are chronically sleep-deprived. This has HUGE effects on your overall health, including your ability to lose weight. To keep it short, if you get a full night sleep every night and wake up well-rested, you will have a MUCH easier time losing those last few pounds. The whole physical body system works in harmony when you are well-rested. The whole machine starts breaking down when you are sleep-deprived.

How to be a Better Wife

Estimated Reading Time: 10 minutes
Once in a blue moon, I get an email from a female reader. You may think most of it is complaining or expressing their anger towards me… and you’d be right. I have, in fact, been called an “incel” and a misogynist (which is laughably off the mark), but I’ve also received emails from women that agree with most of what I say, they like the honest male perspective, and they want some real advice.
 
What I’ve seen from both men and women is a comically bad misunderstanding of exactly what it is our spouse wants out of a romantic partner. From what I can gather, many of the problems modern couples face can be traced back to the firm belief that gender egalitarianism trumps everything else in a male-female relationship. Men often try their damndest to be softer and more understanding (what their wife seems to push them to be), while the women try to be tougher and less agreeable (what society pushes them to be). Both are trying to portray a more progressive and wholesome image of what they feel is the best all-around modern-day spouse, and they both tend to swing their behavior pendulum too far over to the “wrong” end of the behavioral spectrum. The result? They each unknowingly become what the other finds unattractive. They leave their early-relationship sexy dating self behind and prop up their comfortable married parent provider traits… all in an effort to be a better spouse.
They become precisely what their partner does not want or need, romantically.
I’ve spent a great deal of time working with guys showing them how to be the best all-around man (which in turn makes them the best all-around spousal/boyfriend candidate), so I thought today I will take a stab at creating a more concise prescription for women. I know, I’m treading on thin ice by even considering such an endeavor. Ladies… my experience has shown that you REALLY don’t take kindly to a guy telling you how to be a better wife. Men, to their credit, tend to be much more open to the concept of trying out new things in order to try and FIX something. Men like to tinker around under the hood. Their relationships are no exception. Men love a good how-to guide. Women… not so much.
So, ladies… set aside your preconceptions for a moment. Take in this guide for what it is: a no-bullshit honest take on what I think makes an attractive wife. Yes, it’s MY opinion, but it’s also based input I’ve received after talking to hundreds of men over the years. I would say it’s a pretty good representation of what is “normal” for your average everyday hubby. Sure, there will be outliers. A few guys out there will read this and laugh at how off the mark it is. There is also a cat out there somewhere that barks. That doesn’t mean you can’t safely say, “cats say meow and dogs bark”. Generalizations are generalizations for a reason. You get my point.

It’s All About Validation

If there’s one word that encapsulates all “good wife” female behavior, it’s VALIDATION. I don’t think that most wives have a firm grasp on just how much of their husband’s sense of self-worth in placed at the feet of his wife. What you, the wife, feel and think about husband is SO VERY IMPORTANT to him. He wants nothing more than to gain your approval. He wants and NEEDS your respect. If he gets the impression that he is seen as a substandard husband, he is crushed. Beyond crushed. This is when he becomes the boring “Yes, dear” guy who lets you take care of everything as he sits back and watches TV or goes fishing. He is mentally escaping from the day-to-day life that he interprets as, “My wife doesn’t respect me.” That is a guy who has just given up. That is a guy who has resigned himself to the “reality” of marriage. This is the state of most married men today.
Is it safe to say that most men have “fragile egos”? To some degree, yes. I think, like most things, the “men have fragile egos” theory is a reflection of women’s misunderstanding of how men mentally function within a romantic relationship. We men may not  care what a coworker thinks of a us, we don’t mind when our friend makes fun of us, our boss can yell at us for messing up on the job, but if the wife we cherish and love above all is disappointed in us or makes us feel less than respected, we take that very hard. The degree to which we are affected always surprises women. As far as she can tell, she just said something slightly snotty and her husband is pouting and moping around like a giant baby. This is, of course, highly unattractive to her. If he can’t take her little verbal stabs, what kind of man is he?
This pitiful scene could’ve been avoided with some simple things she can do every day that will get him in a much better mindset… and more like the man she WANTS to have.
Validation comes in various forms. Of course, we all know the most obvious one (sex), but there are subtle little things throughout the day that show a man that he is important and worthy of respect and admiration.
Men will subconsciously seek out validation on a regular basis. Little things here and there. You may be driving around and he blurts out, “Whoa! Did you see that awesome old Corvette back there?! Wow, that is a sweet car. One day I’ll get me one of those!” The wife who is just tired of her husband’s bullshit will often continue to stare down at her phone, grunt, and show her obvious disinterest in the stupid old car. She won’t even acknowledge his excitement. She may sense that her husband is a little miffed at her lack of interest, so she will kick things up a notch or two. “You know I don’t care about cars. I don’t know why you keep pointing them out to me.” Or, even worse, “You’re not getting a Corvette. Not sure why you keep ogling at them. It’s stupid.”
That’s not good.
 
Okay, I can hear some of you ladies now. “Oh, COME ON!? Seriously?! I gotta pretend to like every little thing he likes? Is he that much of a baby!?”
 
Let’s take a trip back in time. Remember when you first two started dating? You probably don’t know it, but you validated the hell out of him back then. If he liked football, you went to games and cheered with him. Did he like a certain beer? You went to the store and bought him some. He had a hobby he enjoyed? You tagged along with him as he did his thing and you cheered him along the way. You were IN LOVE then, and naturally, you did all the little things that say to a man, “Keep me around! I’m an amazing wife candidate! Isn’t it obvious how attracted and loyal I am to you?!” As the timeline of the relationship progresses, both partners start veering off the “attractive romantic partner” path and default to a more apathetic and blah type of partner path. Men let the beer gut go, get boring, and lose ambition. Women put on the baby pounds, nag more, and are no longer willing to validate their husband.
 
Many guys on my site have discovered their wives had an affair. Thanks to mobile phone technology, many of us have discovered plenty of the details of the affair that we later wish we didn’t know. There’s the sexual stuff, the luvvy talk, the sneaking around, the lying to us… all of it points to a general theme that is such a soul-destroyer for men:  She validates the hell out of her new lover. She did things with and for the lover that she hasn’t done in years (if ever) with her husband. 
 
Women in affairs tend to do all they can to keep the affair partner around, and naturally… they know that validation is super important. They will throw themselves 110% into their affair partner’s world. They will take on his interests. They will submit to all of his sexual wants and desires. They will cheer him on in whatever he does. They will morph themselves physically and mentally into the woman that is most likely to keep her new man. 
 
When you don’t give your husband validation for even the dumbest little things in life (like affirming his interest in that cool Corvette) you’re displaying your lack of respect. You’re displaying your lack of true love and understanding. Yes, it’s one stupid little thing… but we see it happen dozens of times a day, every single day. It wears on us. Not because we have a fragile ego, but because we know what it signifies: The early relationship love is long gone. Now that the honeymoon phase is over, we’re left with the cold hard reality: In your eyes, we’re not that big of a deal. In fact, we’re annoying at best. You put up with us. You don’t respect us. 
 
Every man wants to be his wife’s knight in shining armor. We want to be her Lover and your Provider. We want to be the one-stop-shop for all her romantic and life partner needs.
 
Don’t question every little thing your man does. Don’t laugh at his dreams. Don’t belittle his slight emotional reaction to your obvious disdain. Remember… he loves the hell out of you. What you think about him is of the utmost importance. He wants NOTHING more than to impress you. To hear his woman say things like, “I believe in you” or You’re so smart and hard-working, you can do anything you set your mind to” is music to any man’s ears. To hear, “I like your new shirt a lot. You look so handsome in it”… man, there is nothing better. 
 
Be the rare woman that gloats about her awesome husband on Facebook, rather than one of millions of women that go on and on about how negative everything is (except the kids… the kids are perfect, of course).
 
Speaking of kids… they come second. That’s right, your husband comes first. I know, some of you are recoiling in disgust right now. You are married to your romantic life partner. You have to do things that keep you together as romantic life partners. Validation is the main driver, and nothing validates a man more than to hear and FEEL that he is his wife’s solitary romantic love interest. Yes, men get jealous of the unconditional love that his wife shows the kids. He may not tell you that, but he does. Your little consistent jabs at his sense of self-worth show what he innately knows: Your love for him is conditional. Your love for the kids is unconditional. That’s natural and completely understandable, but it doesn’t make the reality sting any less. He sees the reality in front of his eyes every day, and it hurts.
 
Yes, sex is a supreme form of validation. In essence, you are saying that:
  1. You feel turned on by him. His sexy and masculine ways make you want to get busy. He brings about a natural and animalistic reaction in you.
  2. You feel safe with him. You don’t mind being in a vulnerable and free state when with him. He’s your man. 
Do not, I repeat, do NOT give him pity sex. Don’t fake it. We can smell pity sex a mile away. We know the “Here, let me give you a handjob just to shut you up” kind of sex. It’s not a good thing. You’re not a masturbation device. You are our wife. We want to feel wanted by you. We want that animalistic passion. We want to be wanted.
 
If you DON’T  want your husband sexually, then you need to figure out why and work towards a solution that will get you in the right sexual mindset to get the romantic relationship back on course. It may very well mean being VERY blunt and honest with your man. Yes, you may have to tell him what you want out of him. If he’s like most men, society and decades of shame have sucked all the attractive manliness right out of him. He thinks he’s doing the right thing by being the man you no longer feel attracted to. The manly stuff you so long for is hidden under a thick layer of fatherdom and comfort. You gotta help bring that out that side of him.
 
I know I just said men have “fragile egos” when it comes to their women, but if there’s a roadblock in the way of giving him the ultimate validation (sex), then you need to tell him about the roadblock and see if he does the work needed to tear it down. Frame it in a way that so that he sees this as an opportunity to prove his sexual value. Do it in a way that is fun and exciting. Validate him along the way. Lead him by the hand in a way that makes him feel like the sexy stallion he so badly wants to be for you, but feels too shamed and too scared to do. Push him in the right direction. Contrary to what you may believe, he cannot read your mind, and nor should he. Men are not nuanced creatures. We are blunt. Learn to speak his language.
I know that playing the part of the sexual leader is not sexy for many of you. I  get it. You want a man who just GETS it. You want that hunk of a guy on the steamy romance novel you just read. Sweetheart, you’re married. You’re married to your husband. This isn’t fantasy land. Marriage is work. The work means doing those uncomfortable things in the short term so that you can get what you need in the long-term. That means validating him, letting him know what he means to you… and sometimes that means playing a part you don’t feel comfortable playing. 
 
Men have affairs. This is not a secret. MANY affairs begin with a man interacting with some young bimbo that pushes his buttons just by giving him the smallest bit of validation that he so badly needs.
“Oh, your wife is so lucky to have a guy like you!”
“You made THAT?! Wow, that is so cool!”
“You look awful handsome in that shirt today!”
“Oh, I like those old cars, too! They look so cool! I always dreamed about having one!”
The bimbo takes him right back to that early relationship time that was so magical. The sexy young thing we saw from across the room takes a genuine interest in us. She starts morphing her behavior to validate us at every opportunity. She likes us.  She WANTS us. She’s the validation drug we’ve been craving all these years.
 
YOU want to be his validation drug… or else he will get his fix somewhere else.
 
Before you say it, I know some of you are saying “I shouldn’t HAVE to do all these things! He’s a grown man! To have to stroke his ego constantly is not a turn-on.” Somewhere along the line, somebody told you that “Real Love” should be easy. Somebody said that if you’re in a good relationship, that things will just naturally fall into place and you no longer have to “play games”. Well, that’s bullshit. Just like the husband who tells me he shouldn’t HAVE to workout, be more of a leader, put up boundaries for his wife, etc… I will say the same to you. STOP with the “SHOULD” talk and live in reality. The relationship game is, in fact, a giant stupid game. It has rules. It has little things you need to do here and there to keep the game running. If you don’t, the game is over. For you, your rules are simple: Look for opportunities to validate.
 
If you truly don’t see any opportunity to validate (because nothing he does is worthy of your time and attention), then let him go. Let him get the drug he so desperately needs elsewhere. But, don’t come crawling back when you watch him flourish and improve physically, emotionally and financially in life. Good men who leave toxic relationships will often improve dramatically. Let him go.

RECOMMENDED READING

Interview with Dr. Robert Glover

Estimated Reading Time: 27 minutes

I had the privilege of sitting with Dr. Robert Glover, famed author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and most recently “Dating Essentials for Men. The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need” which is now available as a Kindle download on Amazon. We chatted for an hour about all things dating and relationships. It was a great opportunity for me to talk to one of the biggest figures in the industry and author of the #1 book I recommend to my readers. He has a wealth of knowledge and experience that all of us can benefit from.

DSO: Readers of No More Mr. Nice Guy and visitors to my site…they often ask me the same question: “When do you know you’re ready to date?” I have to say to them,  “I’m sorry.  I don’t have the answer to that… you’ll just KNOW”. 

Dr. Glover: You’re right. I asked that same question. You’re right, you do get a sense of it and you can’t really predict it. But for me, when I ended my second marriage, it meant I’d been married about a total of 25 years to my first two wives. When I got out of my second marriage, we had a lot of struggles. I stayed way too long and when I got out I was tired. I was just tired of the heavy lifting. I was just tired and I didn’t want to listen to another woman talk about her problems. I just had no interest. 

So, my book was about to come out and I dove into my work… and I’d say for six months after moving on from my second wife, I didn’t even want to talk to women. It just had no appeal to me whatsoever. I noticed maybe a woman checking me out and I think, “Oh, that woman’s checking me out. Oh, that means I’m going to have to talk to her. I’m not interested.” I was just really worn out and I wasn’t looking for “Okay, when’s the right time?”. I just kind of got busy taking care of what I needed to do.  My son and stepson were seniors in high school and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with them. I just took care of business. 

Probably about six to eight months after we split, I went on my book tour for the launch of No more Mr. Nice Guy. While on the book tour, I just happened to start up a conversation with a woman in a bar at happy hour, we clicked, and we ended up having sex together. Then, in another city, again having dinner in a bar, I talk to another woman and we exchanged information. About a month later, I started dating her for about 2 or 3 months, long-distance, and would see each other about once a month… and that kind of made me realize, “Okay, I’m ready.” Then I thought, “Okay, I’m going to get online and start trying online dating. I’m going to start just being more conscious about this whole dating process.” I had no idea how long that was going to be. But for me, it was about six to eight months after I split until a situation presented itself and I walked through that door. I expect that’s probably true for a lot of guys. 

Actually, I would be a little bit concerned about guys that got out of a relationship, especially one that maybe was a little bit traumatic, and just immediately wanted to dive into another relationship. I tell guys to give yourself some time. You know, six months isn’t that long. For six months, just go work on you. Take care of business. Maybe go get a coach or a therapist. Join a men’s group. Do something to start making YOU a priority without trying to seek out or please the feminine. Just get your nerves settled and then spend more time thinking about what is it that you want as you move forward. I know when I got out of my second marriage, I thought man, you know, if I’m gonna have anything different I’m going to have to work at becoming a better picker and I’m gonna have to work at being a better ender. So I made a very conscious process to learn how to date with the idea of learning how to choose good women and also with the idea of learning how to how to end things quickly if this was not a woman that I had a long-term interest in.

DSO: I call the man that you want to become the “Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man”. The Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man is not afraid to pull the ripcord and say, “You know, I appreciate your time, sweetie, this has been great. But I just don’t think this is gonna work out”. There are a lot of men that, oh boy, that is a very high tension/high anxiety thing to do. To say, “I’m going to play the part of the bad guy” and then, in essence, tell the person across from you, “There’s something not quite right about you and I don’t want to explore this any further.” That’s a tough thing for a lot of guys to do.

Dr. Glover: It is, and it’s always been for me. I think for most men, breaking up, being a good ender, is really challenging. I think for a number of reasons, one maybe is partly our evolutionary heritage that we’re providers and protectors by nature, and I think the other is social.  You’re not supposed to do anything that might ever upset a woman, and sometimes breaking up with them upsets them. A lot of guys are nice guys and they just don’t ever want to be the bad guy. For me, one of the best experiences I had, I mentioned the woman that I met in that second city, we dated for about two or three months, and I remember I went down to visit her for about the third time and we spent the weekend together. It was a very mediocre weekend. I think she had high expectations, and I wasn’t feeling it. By the time I got back home and got off the airplane, I had an email from her that said, “Hey, you know, we both know that this isn’t going any further and that we’re not the best match, so I’ll go ahead and end it now.” At first, I wanted to say, “Wait a minute why are you ending it?!”  and then I thought,  “Oh, wait a minute. I’m glad she did actually.” Then I thought I’m not devastated. Maybe if I can practice ending in a very clear and timely manner as well, the women won’t be devastated either, and the truth is… they never were, and I broke up with a lot of women. A guy I coach said, “Well, you know I go on a lot of one-and-done coffee dates. What’s wrong?” I say there’s nothing’s wrong. That’s right. Most dates should not last more than one date. The whole purpose of that first date is to find out is she a cool enough chick, if she interesting enough, and do you want to actually see her again? By the second or third date, you’re not going to know her all that well, but you at least should be able to start observing what is her nature and how does she fit into your life. Now, hopefully, during that time, you’re not having sex. I mean, I have no issue with one-night stands or having sex with someone the first day you meet them, but don’t pretend that that’s a good foundation for a long-term relationship. It was sex and the woman knows it and you know it. So, go slow. I always tell guys to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what the woman’s nature is and then you be the decider. You be a good ender if this woman is not somebody that you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with. 

DSO: What sets up a lot of men for failure from the very beginning of the whole dating process is that they go into it with the mindset of trying to find “My one real forever love”. When they’re sitting across from a woman and there are more red flags than a Chinese parade, they say, “You know, maybe that’s not so bad because I really like this other part of her. Maybe that other glaringly bad thing is not so glaringly bad because I really like this other thing… because I’m kind of desperate to find Mrs. Right and I can’t just throw away this one who actually gives me attention. She makes me feel really good right now.” They hang on and they hang on. That’s always disastrous.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, you know, I’ve been saying for a while, having been a marriage counselor for over 30 years and then teaching men to date, and being married myself and doing this from personal experience, is that there are three things that most men based their long-term relationship decision on. Number one: she isn’t too bad looking, but usually not too good-looking either because that scares us. Number two: she seems to be showing interest in us. Number three: at some point, she wants to have sex with us. Well, she agrees to have sex with us.  

In my approach to dating, I tell guys that dating is not an attempt to get a woman to like you. Dating is actually a process of you growing up and clearing out all of your self-limiting beliefs and growing as a man because no woman’s ever going to give us what our male brain thinks she is going to give us. That whole process of trying to get a woman to like you or try to get her to have sex with you just sets up a really bad differential because she’s now the decider. She has all the powers. She’s the alpha. You’re the beta. You’re the pleaser. Even if that leads to something, that’s going to be the foundation for that relationship. You trying to figure out how to make her happy, keep her liking you, and keep her from leaving you. That’s not a great way to approach it.

DSO: Very well put, and in fact in your new book, “Dating Essentials”, you talk about taking baby steps, not jumping into the deep end of the pool right off the bat, and it’s something I always tell guys as well. There was a guy recently on my Facebook page who talks about how he has a lot of social anxiety after a marriage that ended with his wife cheating and his solution was just to go to a singles mixer. The event was put on solely for the purpose of getting people to meet each other and possibly date. He went in and just stared at his feet the whole time and was nervous as hell and said, “This isn’t for me” and he left. He later posted, “I just don’t think this whole dating thing is for me. I’m doomed to be alone.” I told him, well, you have to do these little baby steps first, like approaching random people where there’s no implied reciprocation. You’re not going up to them to get a date. You just go up to a random stranger and say something like, “I like your shoes.” 

Dr. Glover: Yeah. I call it testing for interest. One of the things that I say in all my dating material is that I’m really not teaching men to date. I’m actually helping men raise their social and emotional intelligence, and in the process of raising their social and emotional intelligence, they become much more attractive… and then dating actually gets easy because then you’re choosing from lots of women that are showing you signals of interest. You’re walking through open doors rather than pounding on closed doors or avoiding the doors all together because you have so much anxiety. So yeah, that testing for Interest really does involve, and I say it in all of my Dating Essentials for Men podcasts, get out of the house, expand your route, linger in public, talk to the people you meet, test for interest, and walk through the open doors. It’s not any more complicated than that. I’m sure you’ve seen this, a lot of guys when they get out there dating after having not done it for a long time, they make it really complicated. It’s like, “I got to go to a pickup boot camp or I got to go to a hot club and approach the hottest women in there and try to get their numbers” and that’s way too difficult. That’s shit that even the pros have to really work at. Don’t make it difficult, because, like that guy you talked about, if you make it way too difficult, the first bad experience you have, the first time a woman has low interest or you get rejected or you feel foolish. You think “Well, I’m never doing that again”, and then you just you hole up at home watching TV, surfing the internet looking at porn, and reading red pill shit and resenting women. It doesn’t serve you.

DSO: You do touch in your book about resisting the whole notion of painting women with a very negative toxic paintbrush. I see that a lot with some of my readers where they say, “Well, obviously all women are whores” as if they’re saying “The sky is blue”.

Dr. Glover: Right. In my weekly Dating Essentials newsletter, I’ve got a Q&A, and one guy asked me about hypergamy.  He said, “I read this a lot online: all women are hypergamous”. I said, you know, that’s just a fancy term that internet writers have applied to women to justify their resentment, that all women are looking to trade up. The basic premise of my blog post was “Look around. Women settle for losers all the time”. Most women don’t have the intelligence, the good looks, and the Machiavellian cunning to be constantly trading up. That’s just not how most are wired. Maybe there are few gold diggers out there, but anytime we say all women are whores, all women are gold diggers, all women just want blah blah blah, you know, that’s just projecting our experience with a woman or two out on all women. What’s really going on, as you said, a lot of times these guys just have some social anxiety. They never really learned how to interact with women. Well, when they do it, they either do it clumsily, anxiously, or not at all, and then when they don’t have dating success, they blame the women. That just that doesn’t serve us well. I promise you, if you’re walking around trying to date, feeling resentful and bitter towards women, you’re going to radiate that shit and women are going to pick it up and you’re going to be radioactive. They’re not gonna want anything to do with you.

DSO: Absolutely, and the people that you do attract are going to be extremely toxic in nature.

Dr. Glover: There you go. That’s the other side of that coin. You are going to attract what you believe to be true. I don’t think there’s any magical Law of Attraction built into that, it’s just true. You are going to attract what you believe to be true.

DSO: I think the big source of a lot of this “Red Pill” angry male sentiment out there is that a lot of men at a very early age have been taught to put women on a pedestal. I always joke that the Red Pill can be summarized as “Holy crap. You mean women are assholes too?!”

Dr. Glover: Ha. Yeah, they’re not always nice. They’re insecure and they got issues too. 

DSO: There can be sociopathic women. There can be narcissistic women. There can be hypersexual women. Just like men, they can be all of these things, but many men just can’t believe that their mother, aunt, wife, or girlfriend is capable of doing these bad things. Then when you start digging and ask, “Well tell me how your relationship started?”, you can just count the red flags as you go along with their story. The man just ignored the flags and jumped right over them. “Well, she did have two kids by two different men…and she was an alcoholic”.... he just builds this awful resume for her, and he can’t believe it ended so horribly.  Well, of course it did. Everyone else in his world saw it coming.

Dr. Glover: Here’s the one red flag that most men ignore, and I’ve ignored it as well, which is why I know about it: A woman that is bitter about a past relationship, or past relationships. Every time I’ve gotten with a woman and she kept harping on her stories about her ex… you know, what a jerk he was, what an ass he was, how he did this, how he treated her that way… especially if they are that way about more than one man in their past… Anytime I got far enough in with these women, and I tend to be attracted to that kind of woman because I’m a fixer by nature, I actually begin to have empathy for the man that they used to be with. I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t such a jerk. Maybe there are two things going on. Maybe she drove him fucking crazy and he didn’t handle it well,  or maybe that’s just her. Every man is a jerk and I’m going to be in that category sometime soon. Just like I would tell women, stay away from a man that’s just packing around a bunch of negative stuff about women and about his ex. I tell men the same thing. If a woman is packing around negative stuff about men in general or about any ex, stay away from them because you’re just going to be the next story that she’s going to be telling the next guy because she will turn you into one of those jerks.

DSO: Absolutely. How many men do we know in these very vulnerable states of mind that get into a relationship with a woman and she absolutely dictates every facet of his emotionality? He’s depressed because she’s depressed. He’s happy because she’s having a great day.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, exactly. Probably most of your followers really can relate to that, and I get it. I’m the same way. It’s kind of like when they say happy wife/happy life. Okay, if I can just get her happy, I can be happy. As you know, that is so reverse. We’ve got to get out and fill our own bucket up and make ourselves happy. That makes us less needy. It makes us less dependent on any one person, and it makes us more attractive to women. It makes us less dependent on trying to manage a woman’s mood or happiness. 

DSO: So many of us become, in one facet or another, the child in a relationship when we get into a relationship with a woman. She becomes our surrogate mother. You had a concept in your book about this that you called “spending too much time in the nursery”.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, and you’re even going back to No More Mr. Nice Guy where I talk about being monogamous to mother.  Our mothers are always our first love object. If we grew up in a relatively healthy family system, the mother is not going to be hooking up an emotional hose to us and using us to get her needs met. Dad will be available to help initiate us into masculine adulthood. But for a lot of guys, including me, that didn’t happen. We kind of grew up with this model around women that oh, I’ve got to make her happy. I’ve got to keep her in a good mood. I’ve got to please her. All that does is, number one, you’re attracting women that kind of need that all the time and you’re training them that this is the way that you’ll always be. Again, this is where I tell guys we got to get out and get connected with men and that’s part of getting out of the nursery. I see that with so many men, especially younger men who grew up with the internet. They just followed the path of least resistance in life. They have women friends that they’re in the friend zone with, there’s no sexual polarity,  they repressed their sexuality, they get it all their sexual needs met through porn on the internet, they watch a lot of TV, they’re surfing the internet, whatever… and they never grow up. They’re in that nursery, seeking female validation while never doing anything that really challenges them. Any kind of real challenge scares them. I’m in a men’s program and there are like 50 guys in the program of all ages and types and what I see with a lot of the younger men…  It’s like they’re completely lost in life. Maybe they’re fit and they’re in good shape, but it’s like they’re like little boys seeking the approval of their mothers and that’s not attractive to women. Whatever women you do attract, I promise you the women will typically be fairly controlling and dominant. The little boy in the nursery is still trying to figure out how to please a woman who probably can’t be pleased, but we think we can if we just try harder because she says we can make her happy if we just would do this right or stop doing that other thing.

DSO: Yes, one of the grand ironies of being in a relationship with a woman is that if you allow her to dictate your behavior, and you start swinging your pendulum over in that direction, invariably you become less attractive to her.

Dr. Glover: Yep. A lot of guys will even tell me, hey when I first met a woman I set the tone, I led, I created polarity… but then once we started dating each other and she became my girlfriend, I slipped back into the whole Mr. Nice Guy boat. It’s because you’ve got an investment, right? You want her to stay your girlfriend. You want her to keep wanting to sleep with you. We then go into that pleasing mode, and yes, it has the very opposite effect.

The book I’m working on now, the working title is “Positive Emotional Tension” and the basic message is that women have to experience emotional tension all the time to experience an attraction towards a man, sexual arousal, and to stay attached to him over time. But unfortunately, we men don’t like emotional tension, especially in relationships. We want everything calm and smooth and easy and predictable, so we don’t create emotional tension for the woman by pleasing and playing it safe. Any emotional tension the woman might create we try to kill that. Then we can understand why the woman loses sexual interest in us, and then maybe loses complete interest in us. We weren’t doing anything to give to that woman what she needed to feel attracted and aroused by us.

DSO: Yeah. I always call it “That little bit of early relationship anxiety” that women seem to just really eat up. “What does he think about me? Does he really like me? What’s he doing now? Is he seeing that girl ?” We immediately try to squash this as men because we don’t like that. We like comfort. We like the tranquility and we like the feeling that everything’s cool. So, naturally, we try to squash that uncertainty. “No no, sweetie. I love you. I’m only with you. I’m predictable. I’m safe. I’ll take care of all your problems. Don’t worry.” 

Dr. Glover: Yeah, that kills it. Yeah. If I’m dating a woman and she brought up the “What are we?” conversation, and if I was not ready, I’d tell them, “Hey, until we have a conversation that you and I are seeing each other exclusively, you need to assume I’m seeing other people.” If they would say, “Well, are you?”,  even if I wasn’t I would say, “You need to assume that I am until we have a conversation otherwise.” Like you said, I used to think that me doing anything that might upset the woman is going to kill her interest in me. No, the opposite is true. Everything you do to try to make the woman happy kills her interest. 

DSO: Exactly. I think this is why you see so many men report to me that they caught their wife in an affair because her behavior changed so dramatically. She all of a sudden decided to start dressing younger, she started acting younger, she started hanging out with a different group, she lost 50 pounds, etc… and I say, “Well, it sounds like she was in the early stages of The Mating Game. She’s trying to attract or hold onto somebody that she’s found attractive. That’s what you do when you’re dating someone at first. I want to look my best. I want to act my most attractive.” For women, that means “I want to look as young and vibrant and as happy as possible because that’s that’s what will keep this new guy that I have interest in hanging around.” That’s what these guys see. They’re seeing the early Mating Game process right in front of them and there they think she’s gone crazy. No, she’s in love. 

Dr. Glover: And she is feeling that emotional tension with a guy that she can’t completely get all in with and he can’t completely get in all with her. That’s why affairs create so much emotional tension. There’s that longing, that uncertainty, that expectation which are really really powerful tools for creating emotional tension. Affairs have that built into them. It’s just that constant uncertainty. “When am I going to see him again? When am I gonna get a message?” It builds shitloads of emotional tension into a relationship and it’s why most relationships that begin as an affair go south really quickly, once the couple can actually get together.

DSO: When they catch their wife in the affair and they see she is so embroiled in all this chaos of the moment and she’s so in love,   the man will try to out-rationalize that. “Well, let me sit down with her and build the case for why this is stupid what she’s doing. Look, we have three kids. We got the house. We’ve been together 25 years, bla bla bla.” He can’t believe that she just doesn’t see any of this. I’ve even had men say they have written this out on paper for the wife to read, as in “Top 10 reason why you what you’re doing is stupid and you shouldn’t throw our marriage away”. I always tell them to stop, that they are absolutely no match for those feelings she’s having right now.

Dr. Glover: If the guys want to know what to do differently… basically it’s as simple as this: “Okay, I know you’re seeing somebody else. You know, I want a woman who wants to be with me. Do you want to be with me? Yes or no. Do you want to be with me? If you want to be with me, you have a choice. Stop it with that person and we get all in and we go to work on what’s wrong here, or we’re done now.”  That brings such a backbone, such an aliveness to that conversation, that she will be immediately turned on. I’m not saying do this thinking, “Well, here’s how I manipulate the situation”. She’s emotionally killing you. You cannot do anything right from here on out. As soon as she’s interested in somebody else, everything you do is going to be wrong. Even if you say you either get all the way in with me now and we go to work on it or you leave now, she’ll make that wrong as well, but it will still turn her on and create some emotional tension that all of a sudden will make that other guy look a lot less attractive. 

DSO: In your experience working with all of your clients, how often have you seen a man and a woman be able to turn things around after female-driven infidelity and go back to working on the marriage? Does that happen often?

Dr. Glover: Here’s my experience. I actually specialized in that with couples for a number of years in my practice as a marriage and family therapist. I actually turned that into a specialty and put a yellow page ad: “Healing after infidelity”. What I found out is there are usually two types of situations. One is you have a Serial cheater. This could be a man or a woman where you know for whatever reason… emotionally, physically, sexually…  they’re just not wired to be monogamous. Actually, I think none of us are, but there are some people that they’re just going to serially cheat. It’s just their nature and that’s not going to change. In most situations, the cheating is because the people in the relationship just got fucking bored with each other. They quit treating each other well, they quit creating emotional tension, they quit having an interesting life together, and it’s not that the person who cheated often went out looking for it. It often finds them. 

I tell guys, if you’re not creating emotional tension for a woman and you’re in a long-term relationship, she’ll go through a few stages. One is she’ll create a lot of emotional tension, but it’s often negative. She’ll start fights, she’ll nag, she’ll criticize, she’ll complain, she’ll flirt with your best friend… She’ll do things trying to create tension to get you to connect with her. If that doesn’t work over a period of time, they tend to go where they can get their needs or emotional tension met through other things. It can be the kids. It can be work. It can be their friends. Many women, they just eat, spend money, go shopping, you know, whatever to try to get some momentary buzz, and then they’re like a forest that hasn’t been rained on in a few years. It hasn’t had a good fire in many years. Somebody pays a little attention and it truly is just like a spark in a tinder-dry forest. They’re on fire. It just feels amazing. It feels great. They can’t get enough of it. That’s how most affairs begin. It’s usually not because most people are serial cheaters. There are enough of those people out there, men and women, but mostly it’s just because you know, it’s gone dry and then something comes along. 

Now, I’ve found that when people did come into my office, if there was enough love between them, maybe enough reasons to stay together, and the person who is cheating was willing to come clean, be honest, cut off that source of their drug, you know of the affair, and everybody was willing to get real with each other… I saw a lot of relationships become deeper, more loving and more vibrant than they had ever been before. So an affair can wake things up. I’m not suggesting it as a way to wake things up. But, like I said, usually it’s not a person going to look for more sex. There’s something that just finds them and they’re just so primed for it. So yes, I’ve seen it get better, but the person who’s had the affair has got to get real and get honest and the person on the other side usually has to grow a backbone and start showing some leadership in the relationship.

DSO: That second part there, showing the leadership in the relationship… I have yet to see that with any of my readers who have approached me. They’ve always taken the route of saying, “I’m going to try out nice this situation and fix it. She always said she wanted more gifts. Here are more gifts.” In other words, he’s just rewarding the horrible behavior.

Dr. Glover: Yeah, exactly. Just rewarding the bad behavior. I’ve been cheated on before. Not a lot. It’s not the pattern I tend to attract, but I’ve also cheated so I do know the other side of it and my experience is that most of it is just due to the lack of tension or it’s due to a person who can’t be faithful. 

Most of the women I’ve been with in the last 15 years, including my present wife, said to me, “How come you never get jealous?” I’ll say, “Well, you’ve never given me a reason to be jealous. If you give me a reason, I’ll let you know I’m not happy”. But the bottom line is if you want to be with me great. I want to be with you. If you don’t want to be with me, if you want to be with someone else, great. Get the hell out. That’s not worth getting jealous about. If you want the attention of another man, wonderful. Just tell me you want the attention of this other guy. I’ll let you go. I’m not going to fight with you about it. I’m not going to try to get you to come back. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. If that’s you, great. I got nothing to be jealous about. So that’s number one for me. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. If she doesn’t want to be with me, adios! See you later. I’ve got no interest in that, so I have no reason to get jealous. 

But yeah, like you said, the pleasing them and trying to make them happy or trying to convince them to quit having an affair. Good luck. 

DSO: What you’re doing with that response is, you’re portraying this essence of abundance. You are ancillary to my life. Without you I’m not going to curl up in a ball and die, so jump on and get on this ride of my life or not. It’s totally up to you. If not, hey, no hard feelings. See you later.

Dr. Glover: See you later. You move on. Yeah, I call it guys creating their great cake of a life. If you have a great cake of a life… good guy friends, pursuing your passions, working out regularly, leaning into challenge, giving your gift to the world… that’s your great cake. At best, the woman is the icing on top. You can have a great cake without icing, but I promise you as soon as you make a woman your cake or even make her one of the key ingredients of your cake, of your overall happiness and well-being in life, you’re going to be miserable. Make your cake and invite a great woman to be the icing on top. If you have to go without icing for a while, that’s okay. You’ll still have a great cake and you’ll still be amazingly magnetically attractive to women because they love a man with a great cake. 

DSO: I always tell men, “The women ain’t going anywhere.” It’s okay to give them a break for a while. You don’t have, as a man, the biological clock ticking. I have found that a lot of men are taking their mating/dating cues from women who in fact do have that urgency. Women will say, “Hey, I’m 35 years old. I don’t have a man right now. I’ve been dreaming of having a baby and a man since I’ve been 12 years old. I’m almost passed my prime. Let’s get to this.” I’ve also had guys tell me, “I’m not getting any younger. It’s time for me to find a woman.” It’s like, dude… you just got divorced a month ago. Give it time. There’s no biological clock here. You’re fine.

Dr. Glover: Yeah. I’ve got a friend who is 67 and he’s dating a 25-year-old. I’ve met her. She’s a nice person. I don’t think they’ll be together very long. The age difference really is too significant, and it is more than just that, but anyway, I remember asking him I said, “Well, does she want kids?” and he goes, “I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not going to even ask her. By the time her clock’s ticking and she may want kids, I’ll probably be dead. It doesn’t matter.” 

I actually liked that attitude. Why should he do something to give in to her clock, or her needs, at his age? He’s never been married. He’s never had kids. He’s not thinking, “I’m 67. I better get out there and get married and have kids.”  He lives an amazing life. That’s why he’s attracted to 25-year-olds. But yeah, he’s in no hurry to make anything happen. And I know if he gets bored of this one, or it doesn’t work out, next time I drop in to see him, she’ll probably be gone. He doesn’t hold onto them too long either if it’s not working out. He doesn’t need it for his ego.

DSO: Lastly, you touched on monogamy and saying that you’re not quite sure that’s our natural state as human beings, to begin with. There is a growing trend of open marriages right now. If you do a quick Google search… CNN did a story on the subject, it was covered in the New York Times, blogs, etc. They have headlines all about the rise of open marriages and how interesting it is that it is driven mostly by women. They are way more likely to say, “Honey, have you ever thought about sleeping around with others?” than a man is to bring it up. This goes right back to your point of saying there’s no more tension in their relationship. My point has always been… boy, there’s no way to introduce that sexy tension back into a relationship more than having sex with a new person. What an interesting phenomenon we have going on, how open marriages aren’t new, but they’re being thrust forth a legitimate alternative to monogamy right now in the mainstream press.

Dr. Glover: Yea, the spin that media is putting on it is this has been initiated by women, which …this goes down a whole other road which I’m actually going down in my next book about emotional tension. My basic premise is, because of our evolutionary wiring, we’re not wired for monogamy. Pair-bonded relationships only existed for less than 10,000 years in human existence. We’ve been communal sexually and otherwise for probably a million and a half to 2 million years where the tribe met all the needs of all the people. That meant everybody had sex with everybody, everybody raises the kids, everybody did whatever was needed to contribute to the well-being of everyone else. Now in this process, which to me is really interesting because it goes against how most men think, something about our evolutionary process wired women to be what I call “Sexual Ferraris”. They’re high energy, highly-tuned sexual machines.

Now, men say, ‘“What are you talking about?” But if you look at women, they are wired to have more sex more often with more partners and enjoy it more than men. I can prove that easily. Women are, I think, one of only two or three mammals that like to fuck for fun. They have sex out of season when they’re not in estrus. Whereas the average guy has one maybe two places on his body that can trigger an orgasm, I’ve known women that had four or five places. I’ve known women you could lick their nipples and they come, or they could think about sex and come. They’re highly wired machines. But we’ve got this idea that women aren’t that interested in sex, they’re very choosy, very this, or very that… and I’m saying well, okay, I think men have made sex costly for women in terms of how we structured the patriarchy for 10,000 years, and I’m not going to go off on the whole patriarchy thing because a lot of that’s just noise anyway, but men were trying to provide and protect for women.  I think we were trying to guard property. So if women were not interested in sex, why did we invent chastity belts? Why do we put them in burkas? Why did we put scarlet letters on their foreheads? Why did we stone them for having sex? Why do most religions preach against a woman’s sexuality? If women did not like sex and didn’t like to be fucked and fucked well, why is it that men worked so hard to try to repress female sexuality?

So it doesn’t surprise me that women might be leading this movement towards open marriages. I’ll hear guys say, “Well, I haven’t had that experience with women” and I’ll say that well, probably two things have happened. One, you’ve either picked really wounded women that don’t like sex, or when it comes to sex we men are basically sexual mopeds. We think sex is finding any handy hole to stick our dick in and ejaculate and that’s good sex. If a sexual Ferrari has that kind of experience enough times with the guy, do you think she’s going to keep coming back for more of that? So I teach men that a lot of it goes back to this creating emotional tension. Men have to learn how to drive a sexual Ferrari. If we don’t learn how to drive that sexual Ferrari, they will go looking for something else because it’s how they’re wired. They are wired to be fucked often and fucked well, and I don’t mean that in a dismissive way at all. It’s just how women are wired by Mother Nature and if a man is not having that experience with women the man needs to take a look at what’s going on on his end of things

DSO:  He’s just not pushing her buttons. I always say that once the women’s buttons are pushed they run laps around us men. Women need to feel safe and free to express their sexuality. A good example is when she is with friends at a bachelorette party and there’s a male stripper. Everyone just kind of agrees that they can all act crazy. Just sit down with a male stripper and talk to him and say, “Tell me your greatest stories” and just prepare to wowed.

Yet, many men are blown away by this and instead of embracing female sexuality for what it is, which there’s nothing inherently bad about it… just like there’s nothing inherently bad about our “horny male nature”… so many men, especially young men, are looking at it as a very negative thing. It’s almost as if there’s a secret these women are holding from us all this time. For a lot of men, their answer to exposing the “truth” is to completely avoid women altogether. I see that a lot. They pride themselves on that. No dates. No sex. No nothing for years and years.

Dr. Glover: Yeah. There’s a whole movement out there: “Men Going Their Own Way”. I keep coming across more and more of the different manifestations of what the internet helps men to do. They basically complain and feel done to and victimized and whine a lot. But yeah, I’m all about empowering men, and I know you are too, and I think if we can see men and women more accurately without all of our judgments and projections, we can have more compassion, more empathy and a hell of a lot more fun. If we can let go of all of our negative projections, we can find a woman or women who do want to play and have fun and have a good time with us and bless our lives as we bless theirs. But, I promise you, you’re not going to bless their lives by just giving them more goodies or trying to be that nice guy that hides his sexual interest from them. They get bored with that.

DSO: Well said. So, after they read your new book, “Dating Essentials for Men” and they want to take it to the next level, can they sign up with you for some coaching sessions or anything similar?

Dr. Glover: Yeah, first check out the book see if it’s your cup of tea. I call it “the un-pick up guide to dating success”. It really is about, as I said, creating a social and emotional intelligence that attracts women to you and then learning what to do from there. If it clicks for you, I have what I call a dating Essentials bonus bundle. It’s got 25 plus hours of recorded Q&A with me, the Dating Essentials for Men A to Z encyclopedia where I answer over 200 questions in a digital format, a workbook,  monthly coaching sessions that are part of the bundle, and a private Facebook group… so there’s a lot of goodies all packed into that. Just go to datingessentialsformen.com, then check out the books. There’s also the e-book on Amazon right now. I just got a contract to do an Audible version of it. Hopefully, we’ll have it in print soon. Datingessentialsformen.com is where they can find it all. 

DSO: Very cool. It sounds like you have some other books in the works?

Dr. Glover: Yes, I set a goal last year to write ten books in ten years and Dating Essentials for Men was one, The Dating Encyclopedia the other, the next one I’m working on as I said, I’m calling it right now “Positive Emotional Tension”, and then I’ve got a whiteboard right to my side here with a list of several more that hopefully I’ll get written in the next 10 years.

DSO: Your first book was No More Mr. Nice Guy, correct?

Dr. Glover: Yes, No more. Mr. Nice guy is my first book, Dating Essentials for Men is the second.

DSO: For those not familiar with No More Mr. Nice Guy, you do have groups that are scattered around the country that people can go meet in person with other men, correct? 

Dr. Glover: I’ve got several certified coaches and therapists that have done training with me and a lot of them do have groups. There are also online groups. Yeah, they can just check out drglover.com and you can find my workshops and my seminars. I have an online university with self-help courses, the certified coaches and therapists, consultation… So visit both drglover.com and datingessentialsformen.com.

Dr. Robert Glover - Dating Essentials for Men
Dr. Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy