Interview With A Dad Starting Over – Richard

Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

Richard purchased my book, the Dead Bedroom Fix, to help out with the lack of intimacy in his marriage. Like a lot of men in his shoes, the issues he is facing are deeper than “My wife doesn’t seem to like sex anymore”. For Richard, “starting over” means scrubbing clean his identity as a husband and putting a new gameplan for life in place. So far, the new prescription has worked wonders for his married sex life, and more importantly… for his sense of self worth and purpose.


DSO
So tell my readers a little about yourself. Age, kids, etc..

Richard
Self employed. 45 years old. Wife is 47. Blended family. Her four kids ages 27, 22, 20, 17 and my three ages 19, 17, 15. Four boys and three girls. My first marriage ended in infidelity of ex and my best friend.

DSO
Oh wow… that’s quite the litter of kids you got there! And her ex is still in the picture… Still in the kids’ lives?

Richard
Her oldest never knew his dad, her middle two have lost contact with theirs and her youngest has had limited involvement in the past but is more involved now. My three are quite close with their mother.

DSO
So if I understand you correctly, her children are from three different men?

Richard
Yes sir.

DSO
So how did you two meet?

Richard
Her father and her middle ex (if you will) worked for my family’s business many years ago. When her and her ex split up she moved away for several years. She moved back around the time of my divorce and her father was still working for me. She started working for me at that time as well. Our families were somewhat close throughout the years. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time at work and we got to know each other quite well through that and a romance blossomed.

DSO
How long did you officially date before getting hitched?

Richard
Just over 2 years.

DSO
Did she ever share with you the circumstances of her past relationships?

Richard
In great detail, lol! The first was a circumstance of teen pregnancy. Second was a very controlling one and third was a matter of substance abuse to be brief.

DSO
So blending these two big families… Was that as stressful as it sounds?

Richard
At first it was very natural. We did have some challenges but the kids for the most part got along great. When her oldest daughter got into her teens it became very challenging and then her and her brother’s father became involved with them and it really got hairy then. My wife and I were on mostly the same page with parenting and very involved with the kids, so between us it was smooth but not without edges. I consider us pretty lucky to have had it as smooth as we did. My oldest boy gave her a lot of grief and her oldest girl gave it to me.

DSO
So how long have you two been married?

Richard
11 years.

DSO
During those 11 years, did you ever see similarities between your wife and your ex?

Richard
I suppose a few. I’ll admit to some ignorance. I guess I noticed the differences more. My ex was not a very good house keeper and my wife is very anal about a clean, tidy, decorated house. However when things got rocky a few years ago I found myself exactly where I had already been before in the eyes of a woman. The pattern leading to my first divorce was being completely emulated.

DSO
And what are those patterns? And what led to “rocky”?

Richard
Lack of acknowledgements, critical statements, praise for others. Longer periods between intimate actions. I suppose the lead up to “rocky” was I found myself disconnecting from her as well. I was really busy at work, and it was hunting season so I had my focus primarily on those 2 things. And one morning, the day after she had a booth setup at a fair, I was at work and she texted me a book of issues she had with my kids and myself. The veracity of it was kind of out of the blue. I responded very emotionally and the days following were very cold. I tried to apologize and wanted to “work on us” but she didn’t even want to talk about it. Then she was in contact with a musician she met at the fair and they started somewhat of a working relationship which I would later find out was the start of an emotional affair.

DSO
Sounds like it can all be summarized as “wife lost respect” for you.

Richard
Yes, lost respect for me. Looking down on me from the pedestal I put her up on.

DSO
I would naturally assume the relationship with the musician started prior to that long text.

Richard
The day before is when they met.

DSO
Wow. So the respect was knocked down, her boundaries were knocked down, somebody caught her eye… and she immediately went on the offense to push you away.

Richard
That’s exactly right! Your book described him to a T. The bad boy, the guy up on stage. I probably owe him a beer as he rejected her idea of getting together. He had a girlfriend and boundaries I guess. My wife came to me after that wanting to reconcile. I had pretty much checked out at that point but was part of another group that brought to light that I might be a part of the problem in it all too. Those were hard pills to swallow but I read a book at the time “The Five Love Languages” and things improved slowly.

DSO
So what was the extent of her interaction with the other man?

Richard
To my knowledge, many many text messages. They did a fund raiser together and texting there after. I found an email where he rejected her advances to take it further. The texts stopped cold thereafter and she developed a hatred for him and a desire to reconcile with me. I only seen his rejection message, I do not know exactly what she said to him, but his response was telling.

DSO
Sounds like she pursued him pretty strongly. And she knows what you saw?

Richard
Yes and yes.

DSO
So there was a big fallout. She wants back. You are leaning more towards making her go away. You’re thinking, “Oh God… not this shit again.”

Richard
Exactly!! With shattered confidence and a sense of what a great provider I’ve been to deserve this.

DSO
So what happened next? How long did you continue on in a state of limbo?

Richard
A couple weeks anyway. We talked a lot and moved forward together and got back to normal eventually and that lasted until about last spring when I noticed the distance reappear. Couldn’t put my finger on it but it just felt uncomfortable how she wasn’t very attentive to me when we went out.

DSO
Did you have reason to believe she had strayed again?

Richard
None at all really. It was just kinda like she had no concern for me or what I was doing in social settings. She’s much rather be talking or helping others than hold my hand. Does that make sense? Kinda hard to explain but my radar was up and this was familiar. In hindsight and with current knowledge, the only catalyst missing was another candidate like before. Perhaps boundaries were intact but nothing across the line was appealing/available.

DSO
Yep, sounds like she was back in the “detached and hunting” mode again. So how did you respond to her change in behavior?

Richard
I dug back into what I had learned before. I actually stumbled across Jordan Peterson’s work at this time. It was brilliant! I watched his YouTube videos and read his book, 12 Rules for Life. I really started a focus on myself and through another group from before started to get a grip on my short comings as an individual. As a man. I more and more started building my confidence and started to lose concern for how she was behaving. And her behaviour started to change back a bit with that. And then I was scrolling Facebook one day and the ad for your book came up. I read the forward and at a price of $10, what the hell. I read half that night and half the next morning. WOW! WTF just happened?! I’ll never forget the moment I read about yelling at a woman and being equivalent to a kid wanting their way! And the part about being a man and doing what needs doing because you’re a man, you have time, so you do it. What a shock! What a blunt punch in the face! So I started to practice your book, recognize what I was doing wrong and correcting. It was about a week after that and I’ll never forget walking into the kitchen and her pulling me in and giving kisses, real kisses and saying I love you. I pushed her hair back on the sides of her face and pulled her in and said I love you too with a big old kiss. Since then life is different, WAY DIFFERENT!

For the week after reading your book I always like to reference that I didn’t neglect or ignore her, but I never minded her if that makes sense. I focused on me, the gym, and getting shit done around the house that had been laying around undone for far too long.

DSO
Wow… what an abrupt turnaround! Not going to lie… that’s not the norm. Usually it takes months to get to the “wife molests me in the kitchen” stage. Has she said she recognizes your changes?

Richard
What a woman says, lol! Not directly no. She actually has, like the book referenced, tried to get in the way of the gym and working out. But it’s her actions that indicate she’s noticed! Lots of affections and closeness regardless the surroundings. When I line up things to do she tries to help and participate. Sexy time was up but then she had surgery so that messed it up a bit, but back on track now and dead bedroom no more. I realize it’s not the norm, and I haven’t been “molested” in the kitchen yet, but that distance, that discomfort, it’s totally gone.

DSO
Awesome. So… there’s always that lingering monster in the closet. She has emotionally drifted in the past and actually drifted right to another man. That’s her way of coping when she’s in some kind of emotional turmoil. You’re doing YOUR job of going through the steps and becoming the best all-around dude you can be. Has SHE, in your opinion, done the work of becoming the all-around best wife she can be? In other words… is she putting in the necessary work to be worthy of being called “Richard’s wife”?

Richard
The effort is definitely being applied. She also copes by spending. She knows my past disdain for this when it’s reckless, if you will, and I’ve noticed her putting the brakes on that recently. She’s always had a nice figure and continues to maintain it well. So up to now the answer is yes. As for the monster, perhaps it shows up again in the future. But I’m not afraid of it like before. In one of your articles, forgive me, I can’t remember which one, you mentioned many men thrive after a mate leaves them. I know my path, she can come or go somewhere else, I’m good. I want her along, but I don’t need it.

DSO
Excellent! So any plans to kick things up a notch with the wife? Here in a few years you could potentially have an empty nest. Changes the relationship dynamic quite a bit.

Richard
I’m not sure what you mean kick it up, lol! I am very much looking forward to the empty nest! We have three grandkids now, two of them close by and the latest (last week) is a few hours away so a lot of focus on making that trip right now. We both love travel and are making plans for that in future too.

DSO
Travel is a good way to keep things fun and interesting. Any kind of activity that it outside the norm and brings about some excitement/anxiety in her… do more of that.

Richard
Indeed! Last week when grandchild number three was born we went up for a few days, it was interesting because we were very close and intimate the first night and the next three nights we stayed at our daughter’s place to help out. Wasn’t so close and not intimate, but I was busy helping with their house and tidying while my wife was busy with baby, of course. I didn’t have time or energy anyway, lol. But when we got home, intimacy was in full bloom, like she wanted now, lol!

DSO
Nice! Family time is not conducive to sexy time.

Richard
Exactly! I have also been stepping outside of my comfort zone when I get a chance lately. Public speaking has offered me a couple opportunities and she loves to tout about that to other women, especially the ones that husbands were asked and went the way of the coward, lmao!

DSO
That’s awesome! Should be proud of yourself. Thanks for the time to chat! Anything else you wish to share with everyone?

Richard
So, so much, but I’ll keep it brief. I won’t discount the lessons I’ve learned from Jordan Peterson, but my friend (and I don’t mean that lightly), you provided me a whole new outlook on life and wife! Guys out there looking for success, it’s your confidence in yourself. You need to become a good, a better, at continually improving you. Reach inward and pull that man out! Hands on shoulders, big yank, and head out of ass!

Listen to every podcast. Read every article. DSO knows what’s up!

The provider is dead, the man for your wife is an all-round man. She knows that, and she will eventually not settle any longer.

DSO
Thank you, my friend!!

RECOMMENDED READING

Dead Bedroom Fix: The Importance of Getting Away

Estimated Reading Time: 7 minutes

Here’s a scenario I’ve heard more than a few times:

A husband is tired of the same old no sex excuses and promises from his wife. “Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, ok? I’m just tired.” This has been going on for months, if not years. He seeks out help online, and finds my book, “The Dead Bedroom Fix”. He reads it a few times, starts to implement the suggestions, and lo and behold… he has more sex! Just like the book said it may happen. One day the switch was flipped and the wife actually initiated sex with him. Holy shit. Sure, he’s slipped a little here and there over the months, but overalll… way more sex than before. Frequency has been 2-3 times per week on average… so he really can’t complain. Or can he? As I’ve come to learn, when it comes to love and sex… people always find some reason to complain.

“Yeah, I mean… the sex is better… we do it WAY more than before… but it’s still not to the level that I am completely happy with. Sometimes it seems like she’s just doing it to keep me happy. I don’t want pity sex, or sex because she thinks I’m going to leave her. I want her to really be into it. I want to feel the same way we did when we first started dating. That was when I was the happiest with our sex life. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.”

So, first things first… he wants to get back to the honeymoon stage of the relationship. How best do you do that? You go get a new relationship. Seriously. You can’t go 100% back to that phase again with your current wife. That’s why they call it the honeymoon phase or “new relationship energy”. That stage of complete lustfulness and “puppy love” is temporary. It’s mother nature’s way of getting you two to bond and procreate. You can’t necessarily go back to that exact phase again… but you can recharge the sexual battery and increase the quality and frequency of the sex. You can get close to that honeymoon state of sexual freedom again… but not quite all the way there. You need to be realistic in your expectations for a sex life with the wife/mom you’ve been in a relationship with for so many years… especially one that you have to really work on after an extended Dead Bedroom situation.

The real meat of the “problem” presents itself when I talk to the men and drill down into their current “wife is still not horny enough for me” situation. A poster/reader on the private Facebook group had a perfect illustration of the common scenario:

He went Christmas shopping with his wife. Lots of running around. Buying presents for the full extended family. Of course, this is exhausting. They return home to the kids. They make cookies. They watch a movie. They watch another movie. They put kids to bed. The wife immediately says she just wants to take some ibuprofen and to go to bed. The husband is pissed. The kids are in bed! Now is the perfect opportunity for one-on-one sexy time! But no… she’s not picking up on any of the hints. She doesn’t seem to care that he goes to their hottub alone. She just wants to sleep.

One thing I pointed out in The Dead Bedroom Fix is the difference between the male and female sex drives. We men always seem to be in the sexual ON position. We’re not necessarily always super duper turned on, but even after something like losing our job, illness, or our dog dies… we’re usually open for a quicky. The women, though… totally different story. I always say their sex drive is like a delicate souffle. One wrong move and the whole thing collapses. BUT… when all the ingredients are in place, the souffle is unbelievably tasty. Our dumb male McDonald’s Happy Meal level of horniness can’t compare to the gourmet French dessert that is a woman’s sex drive in full swing.

So then… how do you push those buttons to get the delicious souffle up and staying up? Well, for starters, you have to put her in the right environment. When you’re in the honeymoon stage, the environment is not that important. You can do it in the laundry room, in the smelly garage, outside in the woods with mosquitoes everywhere, in the bedroom display at your local Ikea… but when deep into a longterm relationship with kids, the house, your stressful jobs…  you HAVE to set the mood just right to get a glimpse of something close to the honeymoon phase. You have to eliminate all those extraneous oufside influences that negatively impact the wife’s sex drive.

GET HER AWAY FROM THE KIDS

Seriously. Parenthood is the antithesis of eroticism. It’s anti-sexuality. Yes, YOU, the man, can hang out with your kids, play games, help out Billy with homework, clean up the spaghetti sauce that the baby threw all over the floor, and STILL be up for a good blowjob… but your wife is waaaaay different. She would literally laugh out loud if you said, “Hey… wanna go do it?” while she’s Swiffering the kitchen floor for the tenth time that day.

For a man who has endured a long dead bedroom period and is working towards ramping up his wife’s attraction levels, you have your work cut out for you. Your wife is going to look for any excuse to go back to the status quo. She’s going to test you to see if your changes are for real. She’s going to look to YOU to lead and change the environment to one that is more condusive to eroticism. She needs to let her hair down… and she has a very hard time doing that at home with the snot-noses and all the stress that goes along with them.

Don’t just go do a typical “date night” either. Sure, you need those dates… but they are the bare minimum. You need to get away… like really get away. Two to three days of no kids. Pack bags. Hire a babysitte (or grandma/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends). Get her away from the chaotic. stress-inducing, maternalistic environment of motherhood. In fact, plan and pay for the entire thing yourself. Don’t tell her. She comes home from a long day at work, ready to tackle another evening of hair-pulling stress that only a house full of kids can provide. Instead, you’re there sitting by the door, dressed up to leave the house, your suitcase packed next to you, looking at your watch. “Hello, sexy. You have exactly one hour to get ready. Dress comfortably. The kids are taken care of. House taken care of. Pack a swim suit. One ‘evening wear’ dress, too. We’ll be back Sunday night.” The wife will be confused… maybe even a little pissed. “But, Henry has basketball practice tomorrow! Sally has her ballet lessons… I have to make cookies for the bake sale!” You just reassure her. You play the part of the confident boss. “All taken care of. Seriously. Don’t worry about a thing. You now have 55 minutes. I suggest you hurry.”

What will happen is that you will start the slow and gradual process of throwing gasoline on the libido fire. Yes, by doing the work outlined in The Dead Bedroom Fix, you successfully got the fire going again… and it may have stalled out at a slow “burning ember” phase… but it IS still a warm fire (unlike before when the sexual fire was completely nonexistant). That’s a good thing. You have something to work with. What you’re doing by getting your wife away from home is kicking things up a notch or two. You’re now going more in the direction of the raging bonfire that was the honeymoon stage of your relationship.

I have repeatedly said that the most affair-prone person in a relationship is an overstressed mother. They are always right at the cusp of crossing the line. They are hungering for fun, youth, and yes… eroticism. They just don’t necessarily want those things with their spouse. He is at the epicenter of the anti-sexuality portion of their life. On the other hand, the loser Lover who taps into her need for a fun and life-altering diversion… he gets her undivided sexual attention.

The key to unlocking the over-the-top sexuality you desire is found in the typical overstressed wife affair. You have to break away from the typical married parent world. You have to do all you can to mold the environment to that of a complete escape. The more “out there” of an experience it is, the better. Keep her guessing. Keep that little bit of uncertainty and anxiety going. Excitement is key. ESCAPE is key. This is why the seemingly “perfect” wife was willing to go to bed with the ultimate loser of a guy she met during a night out with the ladies from work. The loser was a complete left turn from her current life path. He was an ESCAPE.

In my book, “NOW WHAT?”, I talk about the well-known scenario of the bachelorette party and the male stripper. To quote the book:

Want to hear some jaw-dropping true stories about female sexuality? Talk to a male stripper. The male stripper is the center of attention during a very interesting and very heated exhibit of unbridled female sexuality. He’s in a room full of women that are there to see manflesh AND (this is the important part, so pay attention) they all feel free and safe to outwardly demonstrate their arousal. It’s understood that it is A-Okay to scream, grab the stripper, smack his butt, yank at his speedos, laugh, and high-five her friends. Once the usually conservative and sexually boring women in the bachelorette party pick up on the “Be free and do whatever youwant… no judgment here” vibe in the room, all bets are off.

Male strippers will tell you tales of brides-to-be performing oral sex on him in front of her friends, bridesmaids taking off their tops to get the stripper’s attention, women jerking off the stripper while friends cheer her on, etc. The frenzy of the moment is so intense, that some women seem to be completely caught off guard by their own body’s response to the situation. The boring mom of three can’t believe what she just did to some strange man in a room full of screaming women. She was just Suzy Homemaker going to her friend’s innocent bachelorette party… and now she’s some crazed slut who jerked off the muscular stripper and made out with one of the bridesmaids on a dare. These women are later seen outside crying their eyes out while their friends try to calm them down. “It’s okay, sweetie. We were all stupid. It was a party. Don’t wory, he won’t find out. Nobody will say anything. We promise.”

The out-of-control bachelorette party is an extreme example of what can happy when women “get away” from it all and feel safe “letting their hair down”. If under the right circumstances, you can bring about the same level of unbridled lustfulness. It takes effort, work, timing, and GETTING AWAY from your current environment.

RECOMMENDED READING

Dissecting Dead Bedrooms

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

We all know the tried-and-true stereotype of the typical modern day marriage:

Man is horny and ready to go at any time. Even though his wife is older, heavier and not nearly as bubbly and sweet as she was in the honeymoon stage of their early relationship, he still loves her intensely. He still has the soft/romantic feelings of love and devotion for her, as well as the harder more sexual/lustful feelings that have been there since puberty. Saying “I do” didn’t change a thing for him in the horniness department.

How does SHE feel about him and their sex life? Well, if you watch her actions… she sure seems indifferent and most of the time annoyed by his sexual and loving advances. The husband craves the intimacy and validation that comes with having sex with this wife, and the wife… she just seems to crave rest and a glass of wine. She seems overwhelmed much of the time and the husband is made to feel like part of the problem, instead of the gateway to sexual fun that he hopes to portray.

Sure, the lovable loser husband will sometimes get table scraps from the wife. Sometimes his whining and pouting are too much and the wife will undo her sweat pants and head to the bedroom. “Okay… but we’re not doing oral. That makes my jaw hurt and you haven’t showered yet today. Get batteries from the kitchen. The ones in my vibrator are dead.”

What exactly is going on here? Is this just inevitable? If you have heart-to-heart conversations with your buddies, the majority of them will report much of the same thing. They want sex. She doesn’t most of the time. They are frustrated. They just live with it. What else can they do?

Some men eventually hit the end of their sexual rope. They can’t take it anymore. Usually, some kind of event gets them to the point of no return. Maybe they were hit on by some sexy, pretty thing at the company Christmas party. Maybe some gal at the office was talking about what a lucky woman their wife is to have an attractive and sweet guy like him. Maybe the wife got very angry the last time he attempted a moment of intimacy and said really hurtful things that made him question his role in their marriage. Whatever it was, something has flipped the switch in their brain and they’ve had enough.

Men who have “had enough” usually don’t walk away. They search for solutions. Fixes. They identify the problem, they figure out what to do, they do it, it fails. They try again. That’s usually how they get to websites like this one and buy books like The Dead Bedroom Fix.

The cold hard truth is that your wife is just not sexually attracted to you. Barring any kind of physical issues (birth control, hormonal issues, etc), the fire IS in there… Just not for you.  Instead of reading up on why your wife doesn’t want sex, you should instead look at why you’re not pushing your wife’s “must have sex with this man” buttons. It could be a myriad of reasons, but going down the easy road of “she’s just not that sexual” or “she’s just overstressed” isn’t going to get you closer to a solution.

A lot of men come to my website after discovering their wife in an affair. The majority of these affairs were precipitated by a long dead bedroom period. They didn’t get sex from their wife. She wasn’t into doing THAT anymore. Wife was tired. Wife was cranky. Then the the husband sees or hears something that gives him a bad gut feeling. He starts snooping. He makes the big discovery. He says what all guys in this situation say:

She did that with HIM?! She would never do that with ME!?”

The simple truth is that the fire was in there all along, and it took some loser at the bar or some random coworker to bring it out. Your long, comfort-based relationship of so many years is no match for “Wow… you look really hot” from some casual acquaintance that everyone says is a complete asshole.

Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a rare scenario. It happens a lot. I have the emails and website visitors to prove it.

Want to learn the key to turning around your sexless marriage? Want to fix the dead bedroom once and for all? Already divorced and don’t want to go down that inevitable road again with your next partner? The irony is that the beginning of the long road toward a solution can be found within the frame of the common wife affair.  Start at the end if you want to find the truth.

MEN: ARE YOU IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE?

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN OUT THERE NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR SEX LIVES. What is going on? Is the tried-and-true stereotype of the undersexed husband and the cold, bossy wife inevitable? Are monogamous relationships doomed to such a pitiful state? Is that just the way marriage is?

I DON'T THINK SO.

To make a long story short, several years ago I was married for 15 years, discovered infidelity, quickly divorced and found myself newly single and sharing custody of three little kids. I then started a website at www.dadstartingover.com. After chatting with many men in my situation , I slowly started to notice patterns of behavior. Most men experienced long “Dead Bedroom” periods in their relationship prior to their divorce. Many of these men later discovered infidelity.I wrote about my thoughts on Dead Bedrooms on my website and it is by far the most popular topic to date. It has outranked all other topics combined. Then I started a podcast and recorded a few episodes. The Dead Bedrooms episode was the most downloaded.Simply put, nobody seems to know what to do to keep the fire going in their longterm relationship. Most of us experience a “honeymoon phase” of intimacy, and then watch it quickly fade as the stress of life and the boredom of familiarity settle in.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I don’t claim to have all the answers for a happy married sex life. What I do know is that my own experience and the experience of hundreds of other men have helped to create a prescription for what I feel is the only true, honest, no bullshit way to get your wife jumping your bones again. It's worked for me and it's worked for the hundreds of other men.I have finally put that prescription down on paper, and I call it The Dead Bedroom Fix.

Dear DSO: How do I get my husband to be more of a Lover?

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I am a woman but somehow found your articles and I think they’re great! Very clearly stated why marriages fail and women cheat on “nice guys”.

Would be great to see an article for women someday – how to help a husband to become more of a lover and less of a provider? He’s never been a “lover” but we just became great friends and then more (my initiative, of course, his first serious relationship – textbook case, I guess). Good looking, wealthy, smart, caring and loving to extreme. But after 6 years I’m bored – I crave for jokes, fun, excitement, sexy, a bit selfish and independent man. I told him so many times. He wants marriage and kids; I dread that as kids would make him even more of a provider and I’m starting to doubt if my willpower will be enough and my innocent flirt with other guys won’t turn into more someday. I love him and want to make it work but not sure I can be satisfied with a provider all my life (I’m financially independent and have no desire for kids).

Should we split or is there a way to bring out “lover” in a man?

Mary

Hello Mary,
 
There are a couple of things that stick out for me in the description of your relationship. First and foremost is that HE is wanting to settle down and have kids. YOU are pretty much in the mindset of being an independent career woman and have no interest in having kids. Would you say you have no interest in having kids with HIM (since he is already a Provider type and, as you point out, kids will just amplify those traits) or is it more that you don’t want kids ever no matter who your partner may be? I think that’s a question you need to take time out to ponder for a while.
 
Either way, that alone sounds like a relationship breaker for most people. He wants kids. You don’t.
 
Setting aside the kids thing for the moment, you say you would like to make your relationship work with him… but you need him to be more fun, sexy and independent. See, the way it works with men is pretty simple: BE BLUNT. Guys don’t work well with nuance. We don’t do subtlety. The best course of action is to simply TELL him what you want and LEAD him to it. Seriously. An example may be to say, “As I get older and more mature, I realize that our relationship needs to be dirty and more fun than it is right now. I need that extra oomph to keep me going. I love you for everything you are, but I do need more… and I’m not the type to go out and cheat. Instead, I want to have sexy and fun adventures with you. I want us to take our relationship to a new level.” See how he responds. He may be a little embarrassed. You may hurt his feelings. He may be extremely turned on. It could be that he has a kinky side to him but he has been shamed into being Mr. Nice Guy his whole life. That’s not uncommon. Maybe all it takes is his hot wife to say, “It’s okay to be crazy dirty. I love it.” 
 
Regardless of his response, the truth is out in the open and that’s always a good thing.
 
Let’s be honest, having to “lead” your man to be more fun and sexy may just completely turn you off. After all, you want a guy who is just a natural lover, not a guy you have to TELL what you want him to do. You’ll have to fight through that. This is what people mean when they say, “WORKING on your marriage”.
 
You’ll also have to cater to his masculine side when coming up with ideas for sexing things up. Consider watching porn together. Going to strip clubs. Role-playing. Sending him dirty photos and videos of yourself. There are lots of simple ways you can push his buttons. This is all assuming he’s a healthy adult male and his hormones are in check, of course.
 
So, in review:
 
1. Figure out the kids things first and foremost. You don’t want them at all, or you don’t want them with him?
2. You will have to be blunt and be the sexual leader. Watch how he responds.
 
Good luck!
 
DSO

Book Review: “Untrue” by Wednesday Martin

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

I have just recently finished the book, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free” by Wednesday Martin. For a guy like me who has written on female sexuality (and how it pertains to relationship, marriage and infidelity), this is not what I would call a major eye-opener of a book. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say that I agree with most of what Ms. Martin says. There’s nothing really ground-breaking here for me or for most of my readers. We’re not her target audience, after all.

What IS interesting to me is that she has unknowingly written what may be the most intensely anti-marriage mainstream book  I’ve read in quite some time. It’s well-written. It’s smart. It’s funny. Yes, she approaches her subject from an unabashedly feminist perspective, using history and evolutionary psychology to build her case, but the conclusions are the same as your typical angry 20-something guy ranting about women on Reddit:

  • Women are not anywhere near as chaste and pure as you think they are. They cheat. A lot. Hell, your grandma probably cheated.
  • Women are every bit as sexual as men. Just because men have higher levels of testosterone doesn’t mean women don’t get crazy horny if the circumstances are right. In fact, women are turned on by WAY more than what men are. Their sexuality is extremely fluid. They’re made for sex.
  • Women are just not turned on by traditional monogamy. They want fun and excitement. This is why women are the ones predominantly pushing for open marriages and polyamory. They need the extra oomph to get them going. Marriage and kids turns off their sexual machine.
  • It’s by no means unusual for a woman to get her sexual needs met by one man (her Lover) and her comfort and financial resources from another (her Provider).

What I think Martin fails to appreciate is how much of a “holy shit” this is for one particular (and important) section of our population: Monogamous men that are looking to settle down with one woman for the rest of their lives.

I can just picture some normal guy with a good job, healthy 401k and a girlfriend of three years he’s about to propose to. He’s aimlessly walking through the book store and sees a copy of this book prominently displayed along with other seedy “sex” and “relationship” books. He picks it up, takes a look… reads a few pages… and mindlessly takes it over to the coffee shop area. A few chapters and one large cappucino later, and he’s angrily texting his girlfriend. “We need to talk.”

On a big picture scale, what may be seen as an understandably “empowering” and freeing” sexual manifesto for many women will be used by a GIANT chunk of our society (men) as a handy excuse to completely bail out of the monogamy industry. In other words, the more the “secret” gets out, the more men may very well opt out of the whole monogamous marriage process.

Men WANT the dream of the woman who has eyes only for him and who will be devoted to him no matter what life throws their way. Most men can’t even CONCEIVE of their married life in any other way. It’s a dream that many of us men have been spoon fed since the day we first noticed girls. We’ve been told out whole lives what marriage was SUPPOSED to be… and books like this are telling us that we were lied to? Okay… then we don’t want to participate in this game anymore” many men are saying.

Instead, men will live comfortably in their shitty little apartments, with their shitty but comfortable jobs, a steady but not exciting paycheck, their modest 401k savings, their video games, little social interaction, and way too much porn. Other than the pickup truck in the driveway, their vasectomy will be the only other major life expense. They don’t want to have a major “oops” and ruin all the good stuff they have going on!

Obviously, this would have dramatic repercussions for the economy and for state of the Western family. Economists are already freaking out about dropping fertility rates and subsequent lack of spending. We have real-world examples of how this dynamic plays out with the current situation in Japan and their “Herbivore Men”. It’s not pretty.

Make no mistake about it, the “monogamous married couple with 2.5 kids” model is an industry. It drives our consumption economy. From the expensive wedding, to the expensive honeymoon, the way-too-big house, the pointless SUV, the hybrid sedan, the namebrand baby items, the namebrand clothes, the expensive vacations, the expensive divorces… it’s a giant machine that is the hub of a very big economic wheel. A viral change in mindset can shut the machine down a little at a time.

FACT: Women drive 84% of all consumer spending in the U.S. That’s $7 trillion dollars of spending annually. Trillion. With a T. 

Good, quality men have always been on the edge of opting out of the marriage industry… and things like Untrue are all it may take to push them right over the edge into eternal bachelorhood.  What was once a goal to strive for (marriage and raising kids) is now a giant life-ruining accident they want to avoid, all because their vision of what a relationship is supposed to be has been upturned. Marriage is now seen as a huge fun-killer for the other half of the population. As Wednesday Martin says in the title of the book: “… How the New Science Can Set Us Free”. Set women free from what? Monogamy? I think if your wise old grandma were here, she would tell you, “Honey, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.”

According to Martin and “Untrue”,   it’s time the rest of society get with the program and recognize women’s sexual autonomy and change the game to accomodate their needs. We’ll all be better off for it.

Martin’s book and the subject matter is not considered “mainstream” just yet. She’s not a household name. The subject is still considered a “fringe” topic by many, but it’s one that is gaining a lot of ground in a hurry. It seems like everyone has a buddy whose wife just suggested an open marriage, or a wife who got caught sexting a guy from work, or a wife who simply walked away from the husband and kids to be with the sexy loser.  It happens.

The question is… okay, now what?  If what Martin says is correct… what do YOU do about it?

Porn

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Eugene the porn addict

Meet Eugene.

Eugene will be the first to tell you that he doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. In fact, for all intents and purposes, he is worthless in the mating game. For years he has watched everyone else out there being happy and getting laid. He spends month after month, year after year, alone. No companionship. No intimacy.

His very human needs are not being met.

He’s not dumb. He sees what it takes to get women attracted to him, but he feels it’s just not worth the effort. He just wasn’t made to be a Lover. He’s resigned himself to his lower status.

But, he still has needs.

To relieve the tension, he has resorted to watching his hotter, more attractive friends have sex while he masturbates. That’s right… Couples get naked and have crazy sex while he sits in the corner, hunched over, masturbating like a monkey. They never acknowledge his presence, let alone ask him to join in. He’s basically invisible. He’s cool with that. Everyone agrees on this arrangement beforehand.

He finishes. Doesn’t take long. He leaves. He may leave a little money on the way out the door. Usually not.

He does this daily. Every single day he finds somebody to watch have sex. Sometimes it’s the same couple. Sometimes he likes to mix it up, maybe throw in a dwarf, two or more women together, or maybe some extreme bondage. His tastes seem to get more extreme as time goes on. There’s never a shortage of people willing to help him out.

After doing this for years, this has become his sole means of reaching orgasm. He can’t do it any other way.

This, my friends, is porn.

When viewing porn, you are admitting your lower sexual status. You are throwing your hands up in resignation and saying, “Ok, can I just sit here and pleasure myself while you way more attractive people do all the hard work? I won’t bother you. “ It’s like sexual welfare.

Porn is like that two-way mirror that they use in police interrogation rooms. You’re on one side jerking off while the hot people are on the other side having the time of their lives. They don’t see you, but they know you’re there. They’ll even angle their bodies towards you to give you a better view. Then they’ll all laugh at you when you leave the building. “He’ll be back, they say. “He always comes back. Pathetic.”

You’re addicted.

You can also think of porn as a drug. Like alcohol, some of us can have a little taste one night and forget about it for weeks or months at a time. It’s just a social lubricant and makes things relaxing and fun. For some of us, we have a drink not just to unwind or hang out with friends, but to self-medicate. We have anxiety issues or insecurities that alcohol does a very good job of mending (temporarily).

Booze saves you the hard work of dealing with your deep-seated issues like a grownup. Why go through all the trouble of real introspection and therapy when you can have a few beers on a nightly basis? Everybody does it, right?

The problem with booze is that it’s ok in small doses, but can quickly lead to a HUGE number of problems if taken to the next level. Unfortunately, the “next level” is hard to define. It varies greatly from person to person. Everyone with a drinking problem will tell you how it just “snuck up” on them and one day they found they couldn’t function normally without it.

Porn is the exact same way.

With porn, you’re avoiding dealing with the main issue that is staring you directly in the face:

You’re not getting laid.

More specifically,  you’re not doing things necessary to GET laid. Instead, you’re just doing things that cause you to have an orgasm.

There’s a huge difference between having a real intimate relationship with another human being (even if maybe just for one night) and being hunched over in front of your glowing laptop. Actual sex is the natural result of a fun and drawn-out dating game of socializing with other people. You eventually allow enough trust and attraction to build up so that you can get naked with another human and rub your dirty bits together.

What’s not natural is feeling that itch for intimacy, firing up your computer, and reaching orgasm within minutes. Your brain and body weren’t setup for such an arrangement. Much like eating Cheetohs… or drinking way too much vodka.

Who is the typical porn consumer?

As I see it, there are two kinds of regular porn users:

1. I can’t get sex. I need relief. Porn is a quick way to get what I need. I have grown accustomed to it. It’s the same as having my morning cup of coffee. I’m legitimately addicted to porn.

2. I am married or have a girlfriend. I can get sex if I tried… But it’s just easier to rub one out instead of going through all the trouble of being intimate with my partner. Yes, I use porn regularly. Maybe even every day. But… I don’t have a problem. I have sex with my wife, after all. Sometimes.

#2 is becoming more and more common. These guys are like alcoholics in denial. They have a giant bottle of vodka hidden in their office and don’t think it’s a big deal.  Hey, everybody drinks, right? No, they don’t tell their loved ones about it. Yes, they feel some shame about it… But, again,  it’s no big deal, right?

Ask their partner if it’s a big deal.

There’s a growing Dead Bedroom community of sex-hungry wives and girlfriends online crying about their men repeatedly turning them down for sex. What’s most disturbing to them is that their man has a huge internet porn habit. The wife is told that he is just so tired from work and can’t think about sex. She then goes to his internet browser history and sees link after link of gangbang porn he watched just ten minutes ago. She is crushed.

The quick drug of streaming porn gave him the relief he desired, and now he no longer feels the need for the very real flesh and bone of the woman he loves. He has short-circuited his brain. His natural inclination is to find women and try to have sex with them. Thanks to modern technology and the free market system, he has found a MUCH easier way to achieve the same end result. He’s able to skip steps A – Y and jump right to Z.

This is not a good thing.

The gap between the guys at the top of the Dude Pyramid (who get all the girls) and those at the bottom is widening rapidly. There’s a myriad of reasons why. Most men are out of shape, tired, uninteresting, and lack the oomph they need to crawl up the ladder and better themselves. Porn is a huge component of why this is happening.

You watch porn all the time? Congrats. You’re Eugene.  The porn producers are preying upon your human nature. They have engineered their product in a way that keeps you coming back again and again… while they shove their dick-growing pill advertisements in your face.

They know you’re insecure and not getting any. They know precisely what buttons to push to get you coming back every day and possibly forking over a few bucks in the process.

You’re in the sub-basement level of the Dude Pyramid.You’re down there with the degenerates, weirdos and social misfits that all of society says “Ew, go away” to.

Cut this shit out of your life.

Don’t be another fucking Eugene. Be a man. Go get laid.