Interview With A Dad Starting Over – Richard

Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

Richard purchased my book, the Dead Bedroom Fix, to help out with the lack of intimacy in his marriage. Like a lot of men in his shoes, the issues he is facing are deeper than “My wife doesn’t seem to like sex anymore”. For Richard, “starting over” means scrubbing clean his identity as a husband and putting a new gameplan for life in place. So far, the new prescription has worked wonders for his married sex life, and more importantly… for his sense of self worth and purpose.


DSO
So tell my readers a little about yourself. Age, kids, etc..

Richard
Self employed. 45 years old. Wife is 47. Blended family. Her four kids ages 27, 22, 20, 17 and my three ages 19, 17, 15. Four boys and three girls. My first marriage ended in infidelity of ex and my best friend.

DSO
Oh wow… that’s quite the litter of kids you got there! And her ex is still in the picture… Still in the kids’ lives?

Richard
Her oldest never knew his dad, her middle two have lost contact with theirs and her youngest has had limited involvement in the past but is more involved now. My three are quite close with their mother.

DSO
So if I understand you correctly, her children are from three different men?

Richard
Yes sir.

DSO
So how did you two meet?

Richard
Her father and her middle ex (if you will) worked for my family’s business many years ago. When her and her ex split up she moved away for several years. She moved back around the time of my divorce and her father was still working for me. She started working for me at that time as well. Our families were somewhat close throughout the years. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time at work and we got to know each other quite well through that and a romance blossomed.

DSO
How long did you officially date before getting hitched?

Richard
Just over 2 years.

DSO
Did she ever share with you the circumstances of her past relationships?

Richard
In great detail, lol! The first was a circumstance of teen pregnancy. Second was a very controlling one and third was a matter of substance abuse to be brief.

DSO
So blending these two big families… Was that as stressful as it sounds?

Richard
At first it was very natural. We did have some challenges but the kids for the most part got along great. When her oldest daughter got into her teens it became very challenging and then her and her brother’s father became involved with them and it really got hairy then. My wife and I were on mostly the same page with parenting and very involved with the kids, so between us it was smooth but not without edges. I consider us pretty lucky to have had it as smooth as we did. My oldest boy gave her a lot of grief and her oldest girl gave it to me.

DSO
So how long have you two been married?

Richard
11 years.

DSO
During those 11 years, did you ever see similarities between your wife and your ex?

Richard
I suppose a few. I’ll admit to some ignorance. I guess I noticed the differences more. My ex was not a very good house keeper and my wife is very anal about a clean, tidy, decorated house. However when things got rocky a few years ago I found myself exactly where I had already been before in the eyes of a woman. The pattern leading to my first divorce was being completely emulated.

DSO
And what are those patterns? And what led to “rocky”?

Richard
Lack of acknowledgements, critical statements, praise for others. Longer periods between intimate actions. I suppose the lead up to “rocky” was I found myself disconnecting from her as well. I was really busy at work, and it was hunting season so I had my focus primarily on those 2 things. And one morning, the day after she had a booth setup at a fair, I was at work and she texted me a book of issues she had with my kids and myself. The veracity of it was kind of out of the blue. I responded very emotionally and the days following were very cold. I tried to apologize and wanted to “work on us” but she didn’t even want to talk about it. Then she was in contact with a musician she met at the fair and they started somewhat of a working relationship which I would later find out was the start of an emotional affair.

DSO
Sounds like it can all be summarized as “wife lost respect” for you.

Richard
Yes, lost respect for me. Looking down on me from the pedestal I put her up on.

DSO
I would naturally assume the relationship with the musician started prior to that long text.

Richard
The day before is when they met.

DSO
Wow. So the respect was knocked down, her boundaries were knocked down, somebody caught her eye… and she immediately went on the offense to push you away.

Richard
That’s exactly right! Your book described him to a T. The bad boy, the guy up on stage. I probably owe him a beer as he rejected her idea of getting together. He had a girlfriend and boundaries I guess. My wife came to me after that wanting to reconcile. I had pretty much checked out at that point but was part of another group that brought to light that I might be a part of the problem in it all too. Those were hard pills to swallow but I read a book at the time “The Five Love Languages” and things improved slowly.

DSO
So what was the extent of her interaction with the other man?

Richard
To my knowledge, many many text messages. They did a fund raiser together and texting there after. I found an email where he rejected her advances to take it further. The texts stopped cold thereafter and she developed a hatred for him and a desire to reconcile with me. I only seen his rejection message, I do not know exactly what she said to him, but his response was telling.

DSO
Sounds like she pursued him pretty strongly. And she knows what you saw?

Richard
Yes and yes.

DSO
So there was a big fallout. She wants back. You are leaning more towards making her go away. You’re thinking, “Oh God… not this shit again.”

Richard
Exactly!! With shattered confidence and a sense of what a great provider I’ve been to deserve this.

DSO
So what happened next? How long did you continue on in a state of limbo?

Richard
A couple weeks anyway. We talked a lot and moved forward together and got back to normal eventually and that lasted until about last spring when I noticed the distance reappear. Couldn’t put my finger on it but it just felt uncomfortable how she wasn’t very attentive to me when we went out.

DSO
Did you have reason to believe she had strayed again?

Richard
None at all really. It was just kinda like she had no concern for me or what I was doing in social settings. She’s much rather be talking or helping others than hold my hand. Does that make sense? Kinda hard to explain but my radar was up and this was familiar. In hindsight and with current knowledge, the only catalyst missing was another candidate like before. Perhaps boundaries were intact but nothing across the line was appealing/available.

DSO
Yep, sounds like she was back in the “detached and hunting” mode again. So how did you respond to her change in behavior?

Richard
I dug back into what I had learned before. I actually stumbled across Jordan Peterson’s work at this time. It was brilliant! I watched his YouTube videos and read his book, 12 Rules for Life. I really started a focus on myself and through another group from before started to get a grip on my short comings as an individual. As a man. I more and more started building my confidence and started to lose concern for how she was behaving. And her behaviour started to change back a bit with that. And then I was scrolling Facebook one day and the ad for your book came up. I read the forward and at a price of $10, what the hell. I read half that night and half the next morning. WOW! WTF just happened?! I’ll never forget the moment I read about yelling at a woman and being equivalent to a kid wanting their way! And the part about being a man and doing what needs doing because you’re a man, you have time, so you do it. What a shock! What a blunt punch in the face! So I started to practice your book, recognize what I was doing wrong and correcting. It was about a week after that and I’ll never forget walking into the kitchen and her pulling me in and giving kisses, real kisses and saying I love you. I pushed her hair back on the sides of her face and pulled her in and said I love you too with a big old kiss. Since then life is different, WAY DIFFERENT!

For the week after reading your book I always like to reference that I didn’t neglect or ignore her, but I never minded her if that makes sense. I focused on me, the gym, and getting shit done around the house that had been laying around undone for far too long.

DSO
Wow… what an abrupt turnaround! Not going to lie… that’s not the norm. Usually it takes months to get to the “wife molests me in the kitchen” stage. Has she said she recognizes your changes?

Richard
What a woman says, lol! Not directly no. She actually has, like the book referenced, tried to get in the way of the gym and working out. But it’s her actions that indicate she’s noticed! Lots of affections and closeness regardless the surroundings. When I line up things to do she tries to help and participate. Sexy time was up but then she had surgery so that messed it up a bit, but back on track now and dead bedroom no more. I realize it’s not the norm, and I haven’t been “molested” in the kitchen yet, but that distance, that discomfort, it’s totally gone.

DSO
Awesome. So… there’s always that lingering monster in the closet. She has emotionally drifted in the past and actually drifted right to another man. That’s her way of coping when she’s in some kind of emotional turmoil. You’re doing YOUR job of going through the steps and becoming the best all-around dude you can be. Has SHE, in your opinion, done the work of becoming the all-around best wife she can be? In other words… is she putting in the necessary work to be worthy of being called “Richard’s wife”?

Richard
The effort is definitely being applied. She also copes by spending. She knows my past disdain for this when it’s reckless, if you will, and I’ve noticed her putting the brakes on that recently. She’s always had a nice figure and continues to maintain it well. So up to now the answer is yes. As for the monster, perhaps it shows up again in the future. But I’m not afraid of it like before. In one of your articles, forgive me, I can’t remember which one, you mentioned many men thrive after a mate leaves them. I know my path, she can come or go somewhere else, I’m good. I want her along, but I don’t need it.

DSO
Excellent! So any plans to kick things up a notch with the wife? Here in a few years you could potentially have an empty nest. Changes the relationship dynamic quite a bit.

Richard
I’m not sure what you mean kick it up, lol! I am very much looking forward to the empty nest! We have three grandkids now, two of them close by and the latest (last week) is a few hours away so a lot of focus on making that trip right now. We both love travel and are making plans for that in future too.

DSO
Travel is a good way to keep things fun and interesting. Any kind of activity that it outside the norm and brings about some excitement/anxiety in her… do more of that.

Richard
Indeed! Last week when grandchild number three was born we went up for a few days, it was interesting because we were very close and intimate the first night and the next three nights we stayed at our daughter’s place to help out. Wasn’t so close and not intimate, but I was busy helping with their house and tidying while my wife was busy with baby, of course. I didn’t have time or energy anyway, lol. But when we got home, intimacy was in full bloom, like she wanted now, lol!

DSO
Nice! Family time is not conducive to sexy time.

Richard
Exactly! I have also been stepping outside of my comfort zone when I get a chance lately. Public speaking has offered me a couple opportunities and she loves to tout about that to other women, especially the ones that husbands were asked and went the way of the coward, lmao!

DSO
That’s awesome! Should be proud of yourself. Thanks for the time to chat! Anything else you wish to share with everyone?

Richard
So, so much, but I’ll keep it brief. I won’t discount the lessons I’ve learned from Jordan Peterson, but my friend (and I don’t mean that lightly), you provided me a whole new outlook on life and wife! Guys out there looking for success, it’s your confidence in yourself. You need to become a good, a better, at continually improving you. Reach inward and pull that man out! Hands on shoulders, big yank, and head out of ass!

Listen to every podcast. Read every article. DSO knows what’s up!

The provider is dead, the man for your wife is an all-round man. She knows that, and she will eventually not settle any longer.

DSO
Thank you, my friend!!

RECOMMENDED READING

Dear DSO: “I feel like I need a wife.”

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

Dear DSO:

I read your book (Now What? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce) and I totally agree that I’m one of those guys that feels like he needs a wife to feel normal. I was totally in love with my wife for the 14 years we were together. I gave her everything. I supported her. I paid for her to go back to school and get her degree. She was my best friend and I was hers. We had two great kids. We did everything together. Then I found out she was fooling around with her ex-boyfriend that she had in highschool. They got back together when she went back home to Texas for a family reunion. All that time we had meant nothing to her. She treated me like garbage. That all went down about three years ago. Our divorce was fair and we share custody of the kids. I don’t have to pay child support or anything like that since she has a good job now.

I’ve been online dating for two years. I realize I’m totally the Provider that you talk about. I pay for lots of dinners and dates and I don’t have one longterm girlfriend yet. The second girl I dated after divorce seemed to be perfect. We had a lot in common and both fell in love pretty quick. She ghosted me after three months and I saw that she was dating somebody else. That felt like my divorce all over again.

I don’t know how to not fall in love right away. I’ve had sex with one woman in three years. I don’t know how to be the Lover you talk about. You make it sound easy but for me it’s not. I’m not made to screw around with lots of women and just not care if I don’t get a longterm girlfriend or wife again. The only reason I’m dating is to get another relationship and to settle down and have a normal life again. I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with that but at the same time I see that it’s not what works today with Tinder and online dating. You have to be one of the guys who doesn’t care or you will just get your heart broken and pay for a lot of dates.

Les

Les,

This is an incredibly common sentiment. You are absolutely conditioned to believe that the end goal of a longterm relationship or marriage is a MUST HAVE for a complete life. Because of this mindset, you project a very NEEDY vibe to the world around you… and you get the predictable results (nothing). You’re right, maybe dating isn’t for you right now. With your current mindset, you will just dig a deeper and deeper hole that you won’t be able to escape from.

Take a timeout. Forget women. Forget relationships. It’s time to rebuild. Just like I said in the book. You’re a PROVIDER because you tell yourself you are. You then take that mentality out into the dating world and… lo and behold… the women you encounter all treat you like a Provider. They use you and discard you. You’re a quick and easy meal and shoulder to cry on. You’re not a sexy diversion or a real long-term romantic partner candidate.

Sorry to be blunt… but what the hell did you expect?

If I walk into the lion exhibit at a zoo with a hundred pounds of raw meat attached to my body, I have no room to complain about being eaten alive. It’s all my fault. Sure, I can complain that the lions should know better than to eat a man. After all, the human zookeepers take care of them and treat them well and make sure they’re healthy… so why on Earth would they eat a guy just because he’s covered in raw meat?

Same for you. Sure, you read my book and read my posts and see what lies ahead for the Provider in the modern day dating game… but you decide to play that game anyway because, hey, you’re just not cut out to be anything else.

Sorry to be blunt again… but that’s just complete bullshit.

These self-limiting behavior patterns are just going to leave you sexless, depressed, or worse… with a complete nutjob of a woman who has zero attraction to you but needs you for the resources you so gladly hand over. You will end up with your wife all over again. You do not want that. Even if you think for a moment that you do, YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.

You’re using your Provider title as a crutch. Every time you get that hint of social anxiety and fear about doing something different, you just say, “Welp… I guess I am a Provider after all!” Then you get mad at the Provider results. Then you go back to being Provider. Then you get angry about more Provider results. The cycle continues…

You can be whatever the hell you want to be in this life. That doesn’t mean changing your ways will be simple and you will feel great 24/7. Changing your line of thinking may take a good deal of work and it may feel like crap for a while. That’s ok. That’s called living life. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, as you have learned. The problem is that your current line of thinking is resulting in misery and continued misery into the foreseeable future. On the other hand, a big change in thinking and a lot of hard work will result, in the long run, in a much higher chance of personal fulfillment and happiness… but also inevitable short-term misery.

Take a timeout. Dating is not an option for you right now. Read the book again. Read it again. And again. Let in sink in. It hasn’t sunk in yet, but it will. Talk to guys in your shoes. Join the private Facebook group. You need to live what you learn. Don’t just take what’s there, ingest it, get pissed off, and then do nothing productive with it. That’s like shooting 1,000 jump shots a day, but never playing a game of basketball.

What you’re describing in your email is, in part, called being “vulnerable”.  If you want to be in any kind of meaningful relationship with another person, it will require vulnerability. You DO want to be an unselfish loving person to your partner, but at the same time, you want to build a framework of strength that can successfully put up boundaries, recognize when things go south, and be able to endure hardship when it smacks you upside the face.

Heartbreak happens. You learn to live with the loss like any other. You move on to the next chapter. Such is life.

Good luck, my friend.

DSO

RECOMMENDED READING

Dear DSO: “My friend says my wife is cheating…”

Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO:

One of my best friends went through a really bad divorce about a year and a half ago. His wife had an affair with a guy from her work (she’s a nurse). Ever since then he’s been talking to me about how women cheat way more than we think and most of the women out there today are just like his ex-wife. I thought he sounded like a typical divorced woman hater so I didn’t let it bother me.  I understand he’s going through a lot of pain.

 

He told me that I really needed to read your site and listen to your podcast. I liked what I read and told him it all made sense and I’m here to help him out however I can, but he needs to go easy on reading so much because he’s going to go nuts and he’s starting to annoy everyone we hang out with. He told me that he wanted me to read your site because he thinks MY wife is cheating too. I told him he was full of shit and going too far. He started listing all the signs of a cheating wife that you outlined and yes… my wife does do some of those things. But doesn’t every wife?

 

My wife has been going out with her friends more. After our daughter turned 6 and started going to school, she felt like she could go back to her old self and start to party and have fun again. I am supportive of her and don’t see any problems with hanging out with friends. I know all her friends and they are all really good people. They’re not the type that would support her if she cheated on me. I’m very close to all of them and know all of their husbands and kids.

 

About six months ago she asked me about getting breast implants. She’s always hated her body after our daughter breast fed. I think she’s gorgeous, but her self-esteem problems have had an effect on our sex life. She doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and physical with me (in her words). She got the boob job and we are still paying for it. I thought the boob job would help fix things as far as sex goes but it didn’t. It hasn’t changed at all.

 

My wife has also become addicted to her phone and social media. She’s on it all day every day. She mostly does Instagram and Facebook but I also saw that she is on Snapchat. I don’t spy on her and don’t think any spouse should do that in a healthy relationship.

 

I would say that overall my wife has become more defensive and argumentative. Anything I bring up will usually end up in her getting pissed off. It’s now to the point where if it doesn’t involve her hanging out with friends then she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s very defensive and will say that she deserves to go out and have fun after being home with our kid for six years and basically raising her alone (I work a lot of hours and travel).

 

That’s it. From those things my friend is sure that my wife is cheating just like his ex did. The two of them were friends (and still are), and my wife probably knew about the affair of her friend. She says she didn’t but I find it hard to believe. 

 

What do you think? Is it fair to really judge people like this just based on a few things they do?

Brian

Brian,

Let’s recap:

  1. Your wife’s friend, your friend’s wife, had an affair. Your wife probably knew when this affair was going on, but never brought it up or did anything to stop it. In fact, they’re still friends after the truth came out. Not good.
  2. Your wife is now partying it up after enduring six years of being a stay-at-home mom.
  3. Your wife got a boob job to improve her self-image and, presumably, to get her more comfortable being physical with her husband again. Didn’t work. Not good.
  4. You’re in a dead bedroom marriage.
  5. She’s always on her phone.
  6. She’s always looking to start a fight.

So… do I think she’s cheating? No idea. Do I think she has laid the groundwork for what is a fertile affair-growing environment? Yep.

Her actions are bad news. They lead to one of two places:

  1. A bad marriage
  2. An affair

She’s acting like a brat. She’s rebelling. She’s bringing up the six years of being with your kid at home as reason enough for her to act in this way. Based on the tone of your email, I would assume that you have done little to nothing to put an end to the behavior. It may be too late at this point, but you need to do something if you want this marriage to continue.

Your friend is understandably emotional over his divorce. Men in his position found answers to some of his troublesome issues on my website, so he’s excited and trying to share “the gospel”. It’s not unlike the guy who found Jesus after going to rehab. It’s annoying to everyone around him, but you have to understand where he’s coming from. Finally, SOMEBODY connected the dots and made sense out of his turmoil-filled life. He has solutions. He sees a friend in danger, and he wants to throw you the rope to save you.

You may have caught your wife early on and you’re able to stop her from crossing the line into affair territory… or maybe not. Do I think you should spy on her? Yep. She’s your wife. Your lives are far too intertwined to just leave things to “trust”. Her actions have shown that there’s something to worry about. So… you investigate. Get her phone. Get into her social media accounts. Track her car. I have a feeling you’re going to be surprised at what you find… and not in a good way. These type of behaviors usually coincide with a lot of secrets. Not necessarily CHEATING, but secrets none the less. Not good for a marriage.

Good luck.

DSO

RECOMMENDED READING

Dear DSO: It’s not so easy for some of us.

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes

Dear DSO,

I know you talk about having to move on and get over your wife after she cheats on you, but it’s not so easy for some guys. My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two kids. We work together. Her dad owns the business where I work. It’s a business that has been in a her family for a really long time. My wife does not want to divorce. If I decided to divorce her, I’d probably lose my high-paying job with her dad’s business. I really don’t have much in the way of a resume that will help me get another good job. The job market sucks right now.  Where would I live? My parents live a thousand miles away. I can’t move there because then I wouldn’t see my kids. If we divorced, she’d probably get the kids almost full-time because I’m a dad with no money.

 

I’m basically stuck. She had one affair two years ago, and now I just discovered another. I love her still, but I’m starting to lose attraction to her. I can’t stand to lay down next to her at night. We stopped having sex almost completely after the first affair was discovered. Now I usually spend the nights sleeping on the couch.

 

I just want my life back.

 

So I just wanted to let you know that’s it not so easy for some of us out there.

Gary

Dear Gary,

First, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, brother. I can’t imagine the stress.  But, you’re right. It’s not so easy for everyone. It’s not as easy as sayin, “See ya, bitch!” for a lot of guys. Kids complicate things a great deal. Add to that your unique job situation, and your world just got a hell of a lot tougher than most.

Your situation illustrates two hugely important things:

  1. Don’t make yourself dependent upon your spouse for your livelihood. Ideally, you want to be the guy that doesn’t NEED his wife. The more you NEED her to function day-to-day, the higher the chances are that you will fail the relationship game.
  2. You really need to better vet your relationship candidate. Red flags? Run. I’m wiling to bet there were a plethora of red flags early on in the relationship that you ignored. Then you kept digging the hole deeper and deeper and find yourself in this predicament.

She currently holds all of the cards. This is not an even contest, by any stretch. You WILL completely fail at this game eventually. I realize you probably think you’re failing pretty hard at life already, but things will inevitably get much worse for you. It’s just a matter of time. She will at some point land an affair partner that will be dumb enough to declare her the love of his life, and you will quickly see divorce papers on your desk. She’ll make the big awful decision for you.  She has already replaced you in her mind, now she just needs to iron out the all the logistical stuff about ending your relationship. Step 1 of that plan is to get a new man and to make sure he sticks around (the other two affair partners probably used her for sex and weren’t interested in committing). Step 2 is to then cut ties with you completely. This is where she may try to get the kids away from you, lie about you, take money, make your life hell, etc.

The ideal relationship is one where two people that are completely independent and fine on their own get together because they love and adore each other and want to help each other go through the adventure of life. The more all of the facets of their respective lives intertwine, the more trouble pops up. If her hobbies becomes yours, if mom-in-law is living with you full-time, if you only hang out with her friends, if you work side-by-side, if the in-laws sign your paychecks, etc… that all leads to further intertwining of the two worlds and a whole lot of trouble.

Lawyer up. Now. You don’t have to file. But you need to be prepared. The lawyer can tell what to do and what not to do to prepare yourself for the inevitable.

Good luck, my friend.

Interview With A Real Dad Starting Over – “Mario”

Estimated Reading Time: 12 minutes

This is the fourth in a series of interviews with REAL dads and dudes starting over in life. From each of these stories, we can learn a great deal from each other and see that we are nowhere near alone in our quest to start over.

“Mario” is your typical “nice guy who married a mentally ill woman” story. His ex-wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder … and the details of their relationship leaves no doubt about that diagnosis.  What Mario hasn’t done is the hard work of emotionally separating from the intoxicating hold his ex-wife has on him, and the work of rebuilding his self-esteem and getting his life in order.

Like all addicts, he has a long road ahead of him and a lot of steps to complete before he can consider himself “cured”. This interview goes quickly into more of a “coaching” session as I soon realize this is a guy still freshly hurt and needing some guidance in a hurry. His life could very well depend on it.

DSO:
Okay, so if you could… give me a brief overview of you. Age, number of kids, are you married or divorced?

Mario:
I’m 38… divorced, 4 kids, 3 are living.
I’m a professional martial artist… I own an MMA school in Florida. In good shape, regular guy.

DSO:
Ages of kids?

Mario:
3-4-9 and would be 12.

DSO:
May I ask how your child passed?

Mario:
She had brain cancer. DIPG. My daughter Angela.

DSO:
So sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine the pain that must’ve caused. How long ago?

Mario:
That’s when I opened up my first martial arts school… after Angela was diagnosed. We needed money and we wanted freedom to do family things. 6 yrs ago. 2012.

DSO:
So let’s back way up first. Your family life as a kid. Tell me about it.

Mario:
Very close Italian family. I have 3 sisters. I’m the oldest. We come from NYC- Brooklyn and eventually moved to North Eastern Pennsylvania.

DSO:
And mom and dad always together? No divorce?

Mario:
Yes… mom and dad had an amazing marriage. Like I said very close Italian family.
Lots of fun and laughter.
Typical marriage though. Had ups and downs. Dad was a hard worker- construction. Mom was a home maker. Always there for us kids. Both supported us in everything .

DSO:
You have a lot of quality time with dad?

Mario:
Yea…we are very close. Dad was always around. Benefits of owning your own company. Still close to dad. Talk almost everyday.

DSO:
That’s great. Now, growing up… How was your luck with the girls?

Mario:
Not bad… my neighbor used to call me Baskin Robbins because she said I had a new girl every week. I won class flirt my 8th grade and senior year in school.

DSO:
So, here you are coming from a great and loving family. Good relationship with your parents. No problem with the girlfriends. And then…When did you meet your ex-wife?

Mario:
She came over from Paraguay to work as a camp counselor and when her job was done I met her at a pizzeria working with her uncle. My friend owned the restaurant. She was a model in her country and absolutely beautiful, and I was taken aback fast that she even liked me. We dated for a short time and decided let’s get married. We married before she went back to her country and we worked hard to get her back into the USA.

DSO:
But you were Mr. Ladies Man. Why would an attractive woman liking you be such a surprise?

Mario:
It’s hard to explain… I may have had “time fillers” but nothing like this. it was like the movies. The second I saw her, it’s like the heavens opened up and light shined upon her. I knew I wanted to marry her. It’s funny, I went home and told my mother that… and she would tell me ex that often. I just loved her from day 1.

DSO:
How long did you date before marriage?

Mario:
One month.

DSO:
Wow.

Mario:
Yea I know. Stupid… but she was leaving and I was 24-25 at the time and i was willing to move to Paraguay to be with her. Impulsive.

DSO:
So there was something SO powerful about this woman that caused you date her, marry her immediately and want to uproot and move to a far away land just to be with her. The power of the hoohah…

Mario:
Lol… yea I guess so. She was amazing. Funny, sexy, smart…At the time the total package.

DSO:
So she DOES end up returning home after you marry? How long is she gone for?

Mario:
2 months. I go to Paraguay like a month later and bust my butt filing paperwork to get her in the USA.

DSO:
I see. So… let’s talk more about her. What was her family like?

Mario:
Bad. Her dad kidnapped her away from her mom. They lived in the USA and while here he assumes she cheated and send her on a search for an imaginary job… while he grabs my ex and there documents and destroys moms documents and moved back to Paraguay leaving her birth mom in the USA.

Her and her birth mom have a strained relationship… badly… more like competition then mother and daughter. From what I heard it’s getting better but it has always been like that. They are good then they are bad.

DSO:
Wow. Well… this begs the question. WAS her mom cheating?

Mario:
I don’t know. Her dad cheated on her step mom all the time and step mom cheated on dad. often. In reality the whole family is built on infidelity. Dad is the product of the other woman.

DSO:
So an all around bad environment for a young kid to grow up in, it sounds like.

Mario:
100%. Dad was abusive to mom, and kids, and step mom

DSO:
Did you know all this when you married her?

Mario:
I didn’t.

DSO:
Would it have made a difference?

Mario:
I don’t know. Dad has caused a lot of problems between us. He didn’t like me because I didn’t agree with everything he said. I would speak up. I didn’t like how my ex’s family treated her and I would say so. He would come to visit my daughter when she was battling cancer but spent more time shopping then being with her. But I can’t expect a bad dad to be a good grandfather. But my ex doesn’t see anything wrong with it because he raised her.

DSO:
I see. So we can set aside her family for now and put them in the category of “beyond fucked up”.

Mario:
Yes 100%. To them, I’ve come to realize, you are disposable.

DSO:
So what does your family think of the situation when you announce you’re marrying this young foreign gal you met a month ago?

Mario:
My dad thought I was crazy. My mom loves everything about it. My mom just wants to see me happy. I married her… and my family took some time getting used to her, but dad took the biggest shine. He loved her. Still does… but is so hurt about us. He won’t say it… but I know it. He absolutely loved her.

DSO:
Ok. So… you are married. You run off to another country to bring home your bride for good. You eventually are both back in the states. How long before baby 1 comes along?

Mario:
When she came back we found out she was pregnant.

DSO:
Not wasting any time!

Mario:
Nope…Chemistry is a bitch. Lol.

DSO:
When do the wheels start to fall off the relationship? When do things start to get a little squirrelly?

Mario:
We lived regular lives. Ups and Downs. She accuses me of cheating 7 times and I never cheated on my wife. I assume either she was or wanted to.

DSO:
At the time you were thinking she was cheating or wanted to… or you were in the dark then?

Mario:
She pushes her insecurities off on me. She gained weight from the kids and from stress from Angela. I just thought she was being a pain in the ass. I never thought she would cheat. Nor did I ever have plans of cheating.

DSO:
So extreme bouts of jealousy. What other red flags did you see?

Mario:
After my last daughter was born she was weighing like 230-240 lbs.

DSO:
Oh wow.

Mario:
Always jealousy.

DSO:
So a completely different human after the kids.

Mario:
Yes. Hard to explain. I supported this women in everything. She wanted Hawaii trips. I did it. Cruises. I did it. Trip to Paraguay. Did it. She truly didn’t want for anything. Business idea that she wants. Hobbies that I would support.

DSO:
Sounds like you were quite the YES man. Did you ever turn her down for anything?

Mario:
Of course…

DSO:
How did she deal with rejection?

Mario:
Depends on what it was. She would normally deal with it fine from the outside. It seemed like that. But I wanted her happy… I loved her. Happy wife, happy life bullshit.

DSO:
Did you ever express your displeasure with her weight gain?

Mario:
Never. She would get mad and call me fat piece of shit, because we both gained weight. I would never call her fat or call her names. That’s the part that hurts also. I supported her and loved her when she was 260 lbs at her heaviest with a shaved head to support my daughter.

DSO:
So here’s a woman who you saved from an awful family life, brought to the states, gave her everything she wanted, watched her balloon to 260 lbs, never bad-mouthed her, supported her in everything.

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
So you set aside all of the “shallow” superficial stuff because you loved her and were her husband.

Mario:
Yep. My mom was heavy. It’s like saying you won’t love the women who sacrificed her body to give you kids. There is no better way for a women to show she loves you then to give you children.

DSO:
So, she has the gastric bypass surgery, right?

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
How much did she lose?

Mario:
Not sure she continued to lose after she left me. From what I heard she went down to 132.

DSO:
So she lost a bunch of weight and then what happened?

Mario:
Well while she was losing, she accuses me of cheating… meanwhile I wasn’t. I promise. I wanted to start a women’s BJJ class at my school and I found an instructor. And my ex hated it. Accused me of cheating so I never followed through with it. I’d rather her be happy. Now that woman teaches at another school and the class is huge. So I lost out on money.

Well, after that.. she starts going out with friends more. Staying out later. I was never jealous… I supported her. One day we get into a big argument and she tells me to leave so I go to my gym. While at my gym… for some reason I feel the need to log into her Facebook. I felt like something is up.

DSO:
This sounds familiar

Mario:
And boom I find her messaging with some guy. I died. I go home confront her on it… say I’m gonna fight for my wife. I’m a fighter and I’m gonna fight for my wife. Well that’s when she tells me… there is another guy who she has a crush on. As I write this my heart is beating like crazy. I’m sweating. Still upsets me.

DSO:
Well it was a very traumatic moment, I’m sure.

Mario:
I tell her to end it with this guy. And according to her she does. Me being a man I say I’m gonna kick his ass and this and that. She reaches out to him again.. telling him to ignore me. I’m even more pissed. But now… my “not good enough” insecurities come up… the why him and not me shit pops up. So now I’m jealous, insecure, controlling.

DSO:
All normal under the circumstances.

Mario:
Where you going, who you talking to? I fucked myself. I should’ve been cool. She asked me to be cool. But I was heart broken.

DSO:
How did you “fuck yourself”?

Mario:
She told me she met these guys at the bank where she works…And I said well what happens if they come back. She said she will ignore them. I was still unsure. She then told me she lied and didn’t meet them at the bank she met them at a club. I didn’t want her to go back to that club. She then changed it and said she met them at the bank again.

DSO:
So let’s stop for a moment and summarize this. Your ex was having affairs during your marriage. Probably early on… most definitely after the gastric bypass surgery.You find out, and you naturally go into “must save this marriage” mode.

Mario:
Not sure about affairs during… possible… but to her they weren’t affairs. I’ll get to that part.

DSO:
No no… stop

Mario:
Ok.

DSO:
We’re not going to go down that road. That was me guessing when I say “affairs during your marriage”… because that is most likely true.

Mario:
Well she met them on a dating app… match.com and there where like 6 more guys she was talking to. But never met them in person.

DSO:
So, let’s cut the BS about what she thinks and feels about the whole thing and just get to the meat of the issue. She sure liked having sex with other men outside of her marriage, and she got caught.

Mario:
While we tried working it out I was convinced into paying for tummy tuck and breast lift thinking it was a gift for me. She left me before it was healed.

DSO:
Oh boy. Let me just stop you here. You realize you lived out a perfect storm of the most stereotypical “wife cheated” stories all rolled into one? Your story is not unique AT ALL. I am nodding my head hearing your story because I saw some of this myself.

Mario:
Well that’s good to hear cause I feel like a complete loser.

DSO:
LOL… nope. You’re not even close to a loser. Your story is textbook.

Mario:
I would’ve never thought she would do this.

DSO:
Of course not, because you were in love.

Mario:
She is ruthless to me.

DSO:
Of course… was she diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder?

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
Well, there you go. You’re dealing with a mentally ill person.

Mario:
I know… it’s sad. She acts like I caused all this. She tries to hurt me at every twist and turn.

DSO:
Unfortunately her mental illness is one that manifests itself exactly how you are seeing it. Promiscuous sexual behavior, infidelity, lying, gaslighting, playing victim, fear of abandonment, etc. The bad news is that there is zero way you or anyone can fix her. The even worse news is that this is probably going to get worse before it gets better.

Mario:
I had to drop something off for her the other day… and while there her garbage was spilling out and she asked if I could get it. And boom a condom in it… I said no. And she made a joke… “Well at least you know I’m protecting myself!”

DSO:
Okay, so… here’s the awful truth. She’s a monster. She found in you the perfect victim: A “nice” guy who has a history of rolling over for her and doing what she wants, when she wants.

Mario:
I know.

DSO:
So she’s going to keep milking this cow until you literally die. You have to get away from this woman. You HAVE to. I know, this is easy for me to say as somebody outside of the relationship. But several years from now when the smoke clears you’re going to look back and say “WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!”

Mario:
I separated myself from her… this week. I decided I can’t feel bad anymore. I chased after her for 11 months and nothing I have done made her love me again.

DSO:
Of course not… that’s now how all this works. Even if she wasn’t mentally ill, it wouldn’t work.

Mario:
So even when I separated myself she sent me 7 minutes of harassing texts yesterday calling me names.

DSO:
So, now this mentally ill woman with more baggage than LaGuardia has tried her damndest to ruin you. She sucked you dry of your time, love and resources. She has since detached and moved on to the next victim(s). Now what?

Mario:
Like i still love my ex and in a perfect world we would be able to work it out. But she caused a lot of pain.

DSO:
Stop it. You’re not allowed to talk that way when we’re chatting. It gets you exactly nowhere. So now what?

Mario:
I have reached out to some friends that aren’t in this state… Don’t have many friends in Florida. And I am having them keep me accountable. Helping me. I am setting up new hobbies and things I’m interested in. Keep myself so busy I have no time for her.

DSO:
That’s awesome. You and I briefly talked before on Facebook, and I suggested you make a to-do list. Have you done that?

Mario:
I haven’t.

DSO:
Ok, let’s put this into terms you can understand. You’re a fighter, right? MMA?

Mario:
Yes.

DSO:
So, you’re in a fight and I guy jumps on your back. You don’t even think. You just know from years of fighting, “Okay, pivot my hips, rotate, move my feet, change the center of gravity, blam… now I’m on top.”

Mario:
Yep.

DSO:
Those are a series of steps. Right now, keeping with the fighting analogy, you’re lying on the ground on your back while they guy is pounding away at your face…. “Oh well, this sucks.” You gotta put your guard up. Make the next step. And then the next. And the next.

Mario:
Yea…

DSO:
It’s all about momentum. You HAVE to get going.

Mario:
Just since it all… I have suffered bad insecurities, and shit.

DSO:
What you’re saying: “I would put my guard up… but my face really hurts and I think he broke my rib.”

How involved are you in your kids’ lives? See them often?

Mario:
I see them every day for about an hour and a half before mom picks them up at my mma school, plus every Wednesday and every other weekend. I wanted 50/50 but she fought me on it.

DSO:
You think your kids enjoy seeing you depressed?

Mario:
Not at all. My son Michael is my best friend and he cries everyday about it. And how he hears guys come over at night. He told her one time that he wants to live with me… and then she refused to buy him sneakers.

DSO:
Right now you’re showing Michael, “Women can ruin you… no matter what you do… they ruin you.” He sees the negative on mom’s side… then comes to dad and sees more negativity.

Mario:
You’re right.

DSO:
I think step 1 is attorney. Find out about getting more time with kids, building the case against mom.

Mario:
I spoke to my son about it the other day that he and I are gonna heal each other and help and live a great life together.

DSO:
How old is he?

Mario:
9

DSO:
Well, you run the risk of involving him too much and him being your buddy, instead of being your son. He needs that strong father figure that is there and powerful no matter what. Not the guy saying, “My life sucks right now and let me tell you why.”

Mario:
I try try to be both… I feel like he needs that. I never tell him my life sucks. I tell him that I’m hurt by his mom actions.

DSO:
Nope. Gotta leave mom out of it. Never bad mouth mom. He’s a kid… he can’t process it. He just internalizes it. “Mom is a whore… mom is bad… I came from mom… I must be bad.” Then the cycle continues. You are strong dad. You don’t emote to your son or go blaming others. You show him how to be strong.

Mario:
Ok

DSO:
So this has turned into a coaching session versus an interview! But your story is not unique. Don’t get bogged down in details of what she did, how she thinks, etc. She’s broken. Very very broken. There’s nothing you can do. That chapter is closed. And when you look back at the chapter it will be titled “Hot latina chick who got fat, was never happy, treated me like shit and ended up cheating on me and then continued treating me like shit.”

Mario:
I’m afraid it will affect my kids. For me it’s closed… what is she teaching my daughter and my sons that it’s ok for men to use women.

DSO:
Yes, they need to be in therapy, and they need a strong parent, or this will just continue on for generations. And YOU need to be chatting with somebody regularly. Preferably a man.

Mario:
Ok. I’ve got to check. Either find a therapist I can pay cash or get insurance.

DSO:
Yeah, step 2: insurance.

Just string together 7 good days. It’s exactly like quitting drugs or alcohol. One day at a time. Then a month at a time. Then years.

Mario:
Yes sir. That’s the goal.

DSO:
AND STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN.

Mario:
I have a lot of ideas to keep myself busy and hopefully good friends to keep me accountable. Not interested right now in dating. Got to get my head right.

DSO:
So you have some basic foundational stuff… attorney… insurance… job situation ok? Get that basic stuff squared away, then the hard stuff.

Alright, it was nice chatting! Keep in touch. I do offer coaching sessions for $$… but I think you should pursue the “Real” therapist avenue through insurance first.

Mario:
Most definitely… thanks for listening. I just need to get insurance first or find one with cash.

DSO:
I’m sure they will all gladly take your cash!

A Look Inside The Mind of a Cheating Wife Who Filed For Divorce

Estimated Reading Time: 9 minutes

A woman recently posted a very candid and honest story on the “Divorce” section of the super popular website Reddit. In the post, she outlines the conditions that led her to question her marriage and eventually have an affair. This coeherent chronological breakdown gives us a rare and unfiltered look at what goes on in the mind of a cheating spouse. I thought it would be interesting to break her story down into pieces and give my thoughts as the story unfolds.

In my case there was no abuse. We were together for 8 years that was mostly good and we have 4 kids. Right around 5 years I got a promotion at work and i got it in my head that my XH was dragging me down, or at least holding me back from more success and a better life. We never had a lot of money but with my promotion I was now making more than he was.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this scenario. There is a reason she started her story with her job promotion. This was the switch. So many infidelity stories start with some “switch” that breaks down the cheaters boundaries and gets the cheating machine whirring along. For many women, the simple act of making more money than her spouse starts the process. Why? Because her respect for her spouse just took a major hit. She WANTS to look up to him. She WANTS to brag on him. She WANTS to be able to see him as the super lover-provider combination that every woman dreams about. Since he’s a husband and a dad, his Lover qualities probably went out the window long ago. He was a Provider… now he’s not. What’s he left with? Nothing, other than an angry wife who grows resentful.

There is a phenomenon known as “hypergamy”. The terms refers to the trend of women marrying across or UP their social food chain. Women CEO’s tend to not marry garbage men, in other words. The opposite tends to not be the case for men. The male CEO will gladly marry the secretary, school teacher or cashier.

Before everyone writes me with, “Nuh uh! I’m a stay-at-home dad and my wife is a doctor and we’ve been married for a million years!” … Great. That’s awesome. I wish you were the norm. You’re not. You’re an outlier.

Back to the story…

I started working longer hours and at the same time his hours were cut so he was at home more. I really began to resent him because he was home and because he got to spend time with our kids. Most nights when I got home they were already getting ready for bed if not already sleeping. After a few months of my new job it was clear to me that things were not going well at home without me there. Some nights the dishes weren’t done when I got home or the kids hadn’t eaten or whatever else I could think of to be mad at him about. It really didn’t matter. He kept saying that he would try harder but that it was hard being home all the time. That always made me really mad.

She’s jealous. She’s angry. She is not happy being Mrs. Breadwinner. It creates a great deal of resentment in her. THIS is not what she envisioned when married. She points out that the house is not clean enough… but the truth is there’s nothing he could do to make her happy in this situation. Absolutely nothing. It’s over at this point.

For the next couple years things kept getting worse. My hours weren’t any shorter and his were on and off fulltime. There was no convenient time for him to be working full time because of my hours, but we also needed the money. Whenever he would tell me that he could get extra hours I would always complain and the less hours he worked the more I complained that he wasnt bringing in enough money. Whenever he brought up the contradiction I would tell him that he needed to figure it out. I knew that it would bother him so I started saying that a lot and for everything that I could.

Here is where she starts bluntly pushing him away. There is zero he can do to make her happy. She’s not going to tell him, “There is nothing you can do to make me happy, so just divorce me already.”  She is following the common cheating wife pattern of treating the husband with such disrespect that she actually gets more angry if he doesn’t stand up to her and divorce her (as she wants).

I really started to resent him and I pulled away from him. I knew that it was hurting him but I didnt care. If he didnt want to be hurt then he would at least try to make me happy. I used that same thing to justify when I started to talk to another guy at work. I thought he was just a friend but talking at work turned into texting at home and then pictures and videos and then trying to sneak some alone time with him. I knew that it was wrong but it made me feel so alive, and my husband had not made me feel like that in years. I was tired of being unhappy and I was doing this for me.

And here it begins. Didn’t take long. The “Must find new and better mate to procreate with” programming is off and running. The rationalizations come out in full force. I was doing this for me.”

The worst was the night that I came home at a reasonable time and found that he had cleaned the whole house, cooked the whole family dinner and picked out a movie for all of us to watch together. This would have made me swoon a couple years earlier, but that night I couldn’t even look at him and I pretended to be sick. I spent the rest of the night in bed while he waited on me and checked on me and even made me different food and brought it to me in bed. It made me feel terrible, and then it made me angry that he made me feel that way and by the end of the night I was texting with the other guy.

See? There’s absolutely nothing he could do to stop the machine from running. Nothing. This is why reconciliation and trying to “win” your wife back is so fruitless. He would be much better off if he got a head start and began the process of self-care and rebuilding. He’s wasting months and years he can’t get back.

Over the next month or two from that night it did not matter what he did. He was wrong just for breathing most days. He would get so upset with how I was treating him and I would just wait and egg him on into losing it because i knew it would happen eventually. After most of the fights we had he would apologize for whatever I told him he did wrong if there even was something, but I never did. I would usually find a way to make him feel even worse. I knew that I was right because he was wrong and that was all that mattered to me.

She’s pushing and pushing and pushing him away. This is the equivalent of kicking him in the balls and hating him for wincing in pain. She will do so until he either dies or comes to his senses.

I even pretended that I didn’t care when he found out about my relationship with the guy from work. It really destroyed me inside to see him holding back tears, but I wasnt going to let him see that. He was at his weakest and that was when I chose to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I could almost hear his heart shattering inside his chest. He talked and fought and said that we could work through it together. I really wasnt interested in fixing our marriage, but i mostly ended things with the other guy but only because i knew i could get it back if I wanted it.

The brutal coldness of the cheating wife is always astounding. In her mind, there is no human lower than the man she has deemed as, “No longer worthy of being my partner”. Their history together means absolutely nothing.

I could see that he was trying and occasionally i would let him know, but for the most part I kept being a huge bitch to him for any and all reasons that I could think of. I’m not sure how much more the man could have done to make me happy besides finding a job that paid enough for me to not have to work at all. He said that he was looking, but looking and finding are 2 different things. It was around this time that I discovered this group and a few others. I started posting things about him, from my perspective only, and I got so much positive feedback for how I was feeling that I knew I was right. The more I posted the more validation that I got. It wasn’t just me who knew that XH wasn’t worth keeping around. I had the whole internet telling me how terrible he is. I started saying awful things to him and even outright ignoring him. I was so confident with mine and everyone elses opinion that I contacted a lawyer and within a couple weeks had filed for divorce. I continued to use this site and a couple others to validate my feelings and for encouragement to go through with it, and finally it was done.

For the cheating wife, there is no shortage of validation and “You go girl!” sentiment from her friends and strangers on the internet. She can do no wrong. This drives the husband completely crazy. It’s just human nature.

It went pretty smoothly. XH didnt ask for much besides to not get divorced and to try to work it all out. I didnt care about that though. He was broken, but I was free. I could do whatever I wanted without having to feel any guilt or answer to anybody. It was an amazing feeling of freedom. It didnt last long though. In the first month after he moved out I missed garbage day 3 times. There was also rarely a single clean dish and the laundry sat in piles so long that I had to start doing the sniff test to see if it could be worn again. I also never saw my kids more miserable. My oldest had seen some of the messages from the other guy months earlier and she knew that XH still wanted to try to work it out. It didnt take her long to stop talking to me at all except to say that she wanted to go to XH house. The others all told me that they wanted to live with XH too. I did my best to try to make them happy, but I ended up just buying them toys all the time and the happiness only lasted minutes. I also was having a lot of trouble with work. Being alone I couldnt work all those extra hours that I was expected to. I finally gave in and starting calling XH to watch the kids. He would always come over as soon as he could and he always asked me if i needed anything. When I would get home I would find clean dishes and laundry and even dinner sometimes. He would never say too much after I got home. He would just say to call him if i needed anything and leave. One night he took out the garbage and brought it to the curb because it was garbage night and I forgot again. He always looked so sad when it was time to go.

Oh, God. This poor guy. This is a conditioned man. He’s been kicked in the balls and spat on for so long… and yet he still believes she is his one true love. Can you blame him? He’s been told his whole life that this is the ONE thing he was to live for. In his mind, he failed. He failed at providing and maintaining a relationship. Everyone in the world is telling her she’s “the bomb”.In his mind, everyone seems to be conspiring to tell him how worthless he is. He has to improve and NICE his way out of this… otherwise he is in fact the scum everyone is making him out to be.

Finally after a couple months my friends convinced me to go out on a date. It was for dinner and a movie and I was excited and hopeful, but at dinner I started getting a feeling of overwhelming guilt. It got so bad that I ended up not even going to the movie. A week and about a million tears later I was on a therapists couch. I told her everything that had happened starting with the promotion that I got at work. She did not agree with me or with any of the encouragment to divorce that I got. I ended up in her office 2 and sometimes 3 times a week, and the more that I talked to prove that I was right, the more that I started to see how wrong I was. It was truely heartbreaking. I dont know if I cried as much in my whole life as i did in the first month in her office.

I had a therapist tell me once, “I can’t tell you how many times cheating wives have cried on that couch telling me that they couldn’t believe what they did… that they were acting completely out of control. Those same women were the ones that ended up doing it again and again.”

After about 2 thousand dollars of therapy sessions I learned that my XH had his faults, but I figured out that mine were so much worse. I did so many awful things and said awful things that I wouldnt want to be with me, but he did. I still remember him asking me in the meeting with the lawyer to please not go through with it. I did go through with it though, and then later I bragged on here how great it felt. I was so wrong, and now I can see it.

It took $2k of therapy to elicit feelings of empathy. This is not a good thing.

A couple weeks ago I went outside with him when he was leaving the house. I asked him about getting back together. When he looked at me his eyes were full of tears and a couple went down his cheeks. He told me that he didnt know if he could. He said that the pain has been too much for too long and that if we got back together that I might just turn around and do it to him again. He said that he always thought that I would realize how much he loved me and stop up until i signed the divorce papers and let out a big over exaggerated sigh of relief. He said that hurt him more than anything else and that he doesnt know if he can ever trust me again. I dont blame him. I destroyed a man who looking back was a great husband. I deprived my kids of having a great father in the house with them and I took his kids away from him. And me, the one who pushed for the divorce expecting happiness and a life of freedom, spend all my free time sitting at home or sitting on a therapists couch.

Good for him. He’s right. There’s no way he can take her back… because he’s not sure if he can survive another heartbreak, and he knows it won’t be the only time she has feelings of doubt and ends up cheating again.

It’s in her nature. She’s a cheating wife.