Men that I talk to all do the same thing when describing their relationship problems … they focus on the pain they are feeling. They focus on their own shortcomings. They focus on the how and why they fucked up so badly (it’s usually not that bad). They have placed so much pressure on themselves. They are crushed under the weight of not living up to their own lofty expectations for what they feel they can and should be.
What do they not talk about? Their wife.
“So, let me stop you there. Tell me more about your wife. What was her childhood like? Bad?”
This is when we start getting to the nitty gritty of the problem. It’s not ALL him, after all. It takes two to tango, as I always say… and, more often than not, the wife brings a buffet of problems to the relationship table. Like most nice guys, he just skips right over that chapter in the marriage book and focuses on himself, instead.
Here are some of the most commonly heard “Red Flags” that I have heard from men when describing their wives.
1. She had a really bad childhood. Some combination of the following:
a. Her parents divorced when she was young.
b. Dad was out of the picture.
c. Mom was a narcissist/alcoholic/drug addict/all around crazy person
d. Mom jumped from man to man.
e. Sexual abuse from a man of authority (step-dad, uncle, teacher, etc).
2. She has way more sexual experience than him.
a. She started having sex at a young age.
b. She dated a lot. Lots of older men.
c. She was involved with married men.
3. She was in abusive relationships
a. Lots of claims of abusive ex-boyfriends/husbands.
b. “I was the first guy who was ever good to her”
4. The sex was beyond amazing during the honeymoon period of their relationship.
5. The sex started dying down the moment they got married or cohabitated.
6. The sex stopped completely after the kids came into the picture.
So… what to make of all this? Is this really that common? Yes. Very. A quick poll of the Private Group for Men in Dead Bedrooms on Facebook shows that over half of the men who responded said that their wife fit in the above profile in some way.
I call these women “chaos queens”. Their mental pathology is such that they “blossom” sexually when their life is some form of complete chaos. When their relationships veer towards comfort, stability, and domesticity (i.e. living together, marriage and kids), their engine shuts down completely. The life force is sucked out of them. They turn into another piece of furniture.
For many of these women, they don’t live in this perpetual state of blahness very long. Something sparks them and they go off the deep end into crazy “midlife crisis” type of behavior (this can happen at any point in time, but often when they’re reaching an aging milestone like the dreaded 4-0).
For those of you in dead bedroom marriages looking to turn things around… be honest and ask yourself if your wife is a Chaos Queen. If so… well, I hate to break it to you… but chances of you turning this around are slim to none.
Yes, you can interject little bits of chaos here and there to get a rise out of her (I have heard many men talk about their sex life coming back sporadically after casual drug usage, swinger parties, violent arguments, a temporary separation, etc), but the underlying domesticity and comfort of your life will ALWAYS be there. For the Chaos Queen, the idea is not to “escape” from her boring life on occasion to have fun and reconnect with her spouse (a healthy mindset), but she actually sees the fun/dangerous/escape part of life to be the normal part, and the domestic family life as being a living hell on Earth. Eventually she won’t want to return to hell anymore.
She NEEDS that extreme life to get her going… or she’s dead inside. She WILL do all she can to bring that chaos back. It may not happen right away… but it will happen.
These Chaos Queens are just not made for marriage. They desperately want the comfort and security of marriage (something they longed for since childhood), but once they get it… their body and brain will be screaming at them to run away. Affairs are extremely common. Dropping her family to be with some lowlife loser… also common. Dead Bedrooms? The norm.
Men in these scenarios will sometimes report that their wife had a sudden sexual awakening. They had months or maybe even a year or more of zero sexual intimacy, and then suddenly the wife is acting like the sex-starved young gal she was when they first dated. These poor guys tell me that the work they put in after reading the Dead Bedroom Fix is actually working… only to discover that the wife was secretly having an affair, taking drugs and gave him herpes. She was back to feeling alive again, but for all the wrong reasons.
If you’re married to a Chaos Queen, she needs help. Lots of it. Continuously. She has to admit she needs help. She has to do so on her own. You can’t force her. The more this need for help comes from YOU, the less likely she is to accept it. More often than not, these women need to hit rock bottom to finally turn things around. It’s not a pretty sight.
So, like many of the Dead Bedroom scenarios I hear about, there’s more to it than just “my wife doesn’t seem turned on”. There’s usually more insidious things lurking below the surface. If your wife is a Chaos Queen, I would give serious consideration to getting your ducks in a row and ready for Plan B.