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Dad bods. We know what they are. Squishy. Doughy. A dude built like an ice cream sandwich. It says, “I have kids. I got a lot of shit to do. I don’t have time for the gym or watching what I eat.” In other words, “Screw it. I give up.”

Strangely, there seems to be a lot of praise in popular culture for the dad bod. Thanks to an article that went viral, the term “dad bod” became part of the societal lexicon. The women interviewed just LOVED the fluffy men out there. With that, dad bods are suddenly cool.

What are the reasons outlined in the article?

It doesn’t intimidate us. Few things are worse than taking a picture in a bathing suit, one is taking a picture in a bathing suit with a guy who is crazy fit. We don’t want a guy that makes us feel insecure about our body. We are insecure enough as it is. We don’t need a perfectly sculpted guy standing next to us to make us feel worse.

We like being the pretty one. We love people saying “they look cute together.” But we still like being the center of attention. We want to look skinny and the bigger the guy, the smaller we feel and the better we look next to you in a picture.

Better cuddling.  No one wants to cuddle with a rock. Or Edward Cullen. The end.

Good eats.  The dad bod says he doesn’t meal prep every Sunday night so if you want to go to Taco Tuesday or $4 pitcher Wednesday, he’d be totally down. He’s not scared of a cheat meal because he eats just about anything and everything.

You know what you’re getting.  Girls tend to picture their future together with their guys early on. Therefore, if he already has the dad bod going on, we can get used to it before we date him, marry him, have three kids. We know what we are getting into when he’s got the same exact body type at the age of 22 that he’s going to have at 45.

Let’s translate: She can’t be outshined by a prettier man. Dad bod guy is a good, domestic partner. There’s no fear of losing him to other women.

If she were telling the unadulterated truth: “I’m looking for a provider to settle down with. I’m looking for somebody I know won’t go anywhere when I let myself go a little. Am I attracted to him, sexually? Well… No. But, that’s not the point. Will I tell him that? Well…No. Why would I ruin a good thing? I’ll give him the occasional bread crumbs so he thinks he turns me on. Eventually, I’ll turn off the sex supply… but I know he’s not going anywhere. He’s way too good of a guy to be so shallow.”

Like a lot of the common relationship advice given out by women (“Women prefer softer, more emotional men… just be yourself… women will come around and eventually want to marry you”), the dad bod craze is basically well-intentioned horse shit. It’s obvious stroking of the sensitive male ego. The “Dad Bods Are Good” myth is propogated by women that know that the super fit single guy is not at all common. They don’t want to eliminate the majority of the male partner candidates out there by telling them they in fact don’t turn them on.  The male dating pool would dry up if the truth came out. Providers everywhere would immediately crawl back to their spartan apartments and fire up their porn.

FACT: Guys who are fit, muscular, confident and take care of themselves (the minority) get laid WAY more than the squishy majority.

The majority of men looking at porn aren’t typing in “Overweight mom with stretch marks and cellulite” into their search engine, and women sure aren’t drooling over guys with man tits and beer guts. That’s just reality.

Guys tend to like young, fit, fertile and hyper-sexualized women. What do women like?

Who reads these romance novels? Women. Only women. Lots and lots of women. Even in the current E-Book dominated world, women pick stories with male characters that are strong both mentally and physically. You won’t read something like, “His glistening and hairy stomach protruded enough to make intercourse slightly difficult. I had to climb under his oily, sour stomach and lift it up to get to the goods that awaited me.”  No, instead you’ll read about strong, fit, powerful but aloof man who drastically pushed the female protagonist’s sexual boundaries. The two Fifty Shades of Grey films made about $1 billion combined. The books have made hundreds of millions more. The male character was the quintessential female wet dream. His lack of bodyfat, above-average height and broad shoulders were not a coincidence. 

Remember, as far as women in the dating marketplace are concerned, the vast majority of the dating pool is not attractive. When asked to rate men online, women typically find 80% of the candidates to be below average. Men tend to be 50/50 about women (an arguably fairer distribution). Women, naturally, want the cream of the crop. They can’t get it? They settle. When they settle, they feel cheated. They’re not fulfilled. They wanted the rare Lover+Provider combo, dammit!

The dad bod craze is essentially a giant test.  If you fall for it, you immediately get pushed down to the bottom of the dude pyramid with the rest of the 80%. Much like the test asking men to be more vulnerable and more feminine in behavior, this dad bod test is just separating the men from the weaklings. The softies from the hard bodies. The guys who regularly get laid and the ones who hear their wife say, “Not tonight, babe. I feel fat” for the hundredth time.

Are you going to let society manipulate you and convince you that being a puffy nobody is attractive, or are you going to hit the gym and take care of yourself regardless of what everyone thinks?

I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face: Want to get laid more? Ask guys who get a lot of tail. Learn from those that succeed. I’m willing to bet the zero percent of them say, “Okay, first thing is to stop exercising and just look like a sack of shit. Chicks dig that.”

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