A husband is tired of the same old no sex excuses and promises from his wife. “Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, ok? I’m just tired.” This has been going on for months, if not years. He seeks out help online, and finds my book, “The Dead Bedroom Fix”. He reads it a few times, starts to implement the suggestions, and lo and behold… he has more sex! Just like the book said it may happen. One day the switch was flipped and the wife actually initiated sex with him. Holy shit. Sure, he’s slipped a little here and there over the months, but overall… way more sex than before. The frequency has been 2-3 times per week on average… so he really can’t complain. Or can he? As I’ve come to learn when it comes to love and sex… people always find some reason to complain.
“Yeah, I mean… the sex is better… we do it WAY more than before… but it’s still not to the level that I am completely happy with. Sometimes it seems like she’s just doing it to keep me happy. I don’t want pity sex, or sex because she thinks I’m going to leave her. I want her to really be into it. I want to feel the same way we did when we first started dating. That was when I was the happiest with our sex life. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.”
So, first things first… he wants to get back to the honeymoon stage of the relationship. How best do you do that? You go get a new relationship. Seriously. You can’t go 100% back to that phase again with your current wife. That’s why they call it the honeymoon phase or “new relationship energy”. That stage of complete lustfulness and “puppy love” is temporary. It’s mother nature’s way of getting you two to bond and procreate. You can’t necessarily go back to that exact phase again… but you can recharge the sexual battery and increase the quality and frequency of the sex. You can get close to that honeymoon state of sexual freedom again… but not quite all the way there. You need to be realistic in your expectations for a sex life with the wife/mom you’ve been in a relationship with for so many years… especially one that you have to really work on after an extended Dead Bedroom situation.
The real meat of the “problem” presents itself when I talk to the men and drill down into their current “wife is still not horny enough for me” situation. A poster/reader on the private Facebook group had a perfect illustration of the common scenario:
He went Christmas shopping with his wife. Lots of running around. Buying presents for the full extended family. Of course, this is exhausting. They return home to the kids. They make cookies. They watch a movie. They watch another movie. They put kids to bed. The wife immediately says she just wants to take some ibuprofen and to go to bed. The husband is pissed. The kids are in bed! Now is the perfect opportunity for one-on-one sexy time! But no… she’s not picking up on any of the hints. She doesn’t seem to care that he goes to their hot tub alone. She just wants to sleep.
One thing I pointed out in The Dead Bedroom Fix is the difference between the male and female sex drives. We men always seem to be in the sexual ON position. We’re not necessarily always super duper turned on, but even after something like losing our job, illness, or our dog dies… we’re usually open for a quicky. The women, though… totally different story. I always say their sex drive is like a delicate souffle. One wrong move and the whole thing collapses. BUT… when all the ingredients are in place, the souffle is unbelievably tasty. Our dumb male McDonald’s Happy Meal level of horniness can’t compare to the gourmet French dessert that is a woman’s sex drive in full swing.
So then… how do you push those buttons to get the delicious souffle up and staying up? Well, for starters, you have to put her in the right environment. When you’re in the honeymoon stage, the environment is not that important. You can do it in the laundry room, in the smelly garage, outside in the woods with mosquitoes everywhere, in the bedroom display at your local Ikea… but when deep into a longterm relationship with kids, the house, your stressful jobs… you HAVE to set the mood just right to get a glimpse of something close to the honeymoon phase. You have to eliminate all those extraneous outside influences that negatively impact the wife’s sex drive.
GET HER AWAY FROM THE KIDS
Seriously. Parenthood is the antithesis of eroticism. It’s anti-sexuality. Yes, YOU, the man, can hang out with your kids, play games, help out Billy with homework, clean up the spaghetti sauce that the baby threw all over the floor, and STILL be up for a good blowjob… but your wife is waaaaay different. She would literally laugh out loud if you said, “Hey… wanna go do it?” while she’s Swiffering the kitchen floor for the tenth time that day.
For a man who has endured a long dead bedroom period and is working towards ramping up his wife’s attraction levels, you have your work cut out for you. Your wife is going to look for any excuse to go back to the status quo. She’s going to test you to see if your changes are for real. She’s going to look to YOU to lead and change the environment to one that is more conducive to eroticism. She needs to let her hair down… and she has a very hard time doing that at home with the snot-noses and all the stress that goes along with them.
Don’t just go do a typical “date night” either. Sure, you need those dates… but they are the bare minimum. You need to get away… like really get away. Two to three days of no kids. Pack bags. Hire a babysitter (or grandma/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends). Get her away from the chaotic. stress-inducing, maternalistic environment of motherhood. In fact, plan and pay for the entire thing yourself. Don’t tell her. She comes home from a long day at work, ready to tackle another evening of hair-pulling stress that only a house full of kids can provide. Instead, you’re there sitting by the door, dressed up to leave the house, your suitcase packed next to you, looking at your watch. “Hello, sexy. You have exactly one hour to get ready. Dress comfortably. The kids are taken care of. House taken care of. Pack a swimsuit. One ‘evening wear’ dress, too. We’ll be back Sunday night.” The wife will be confused… maybe even a little pissed. “But, Henry has basketball practice tomorrow! Sally has her ballet lessons… I have to make cookies for the bake sale!” You just reassure her. You play the part of the confident boss. “All taken care of. Seriously. Don’t worry about a thing. You now have 55 minutes. I suggest you hurry.”
What will happen is that you will start the slow and gradual process of throwing gasoline on the libido fire. Yes, by doing the work outlined in The Dead Bedroom Fix, you successfully got the fire going again… and it may have stalled out at a slow “burning ember” phase… but it IS still a warm fire (unlike before when the sexual fire was completely nonexistent). That’s a good thing. You have something to work with. What you’re doing by getting your wife away from home is kicking things up a notch or two. You’re now going more in the direction of the raging bonfire that was the honeymoon stage of your relationship.
I have repeatedly said that the most affair-prone person in a relationship is an over-stressed mother. They are always right at the cusp of crossing the line. They are hungering for fun, youth, and yes… eroticism. They just don’t necessarily want those things with their spouse. He is at the epicenter of the anti-sexuality portion of their life. On the other hand, the loser Lover who taps into her need for a fun and life-altering diversion… he gets her undivided sexual attention.
The key to unlocking the over-the-top sexuality you desire is found in the typical over-stressed wife affair. You have to break away from the typical married parent world. You have to do all you can to mold the environment to that of a complete escape. The more “out there” of an experience it is, the better. Keep her guessing. Keep that little bit of uncertainty and anxiety going. Excitement is key. ESCAPE is key. This is why the seemingly “perfect” wife was willing to go to bed with the ultimate loser of a guy she met during a night out with the ladies from work. The loser was a complete left turn from her current life path. He was an ESCAPE.
In my book, “NOW WHAT?”, I talk about the well-known scenario of the bachelorette party and the male stripper. To quote the book:
Want to hear some jaw-dropping true stories about female sexuality? Talk to a male stripper. The male stripper is the center of attention during a very interesting and very heated exhibit of unbridled female sexuality. He’s in a room full of women that are there to see man-flesh AND (this is the important part, so pay attention) they all feel free and safe to outwardly demonstrate their arousal. It’s understood that it is A-Okay to scream, grab the stripper, smack his butt, yank at his speedos, laugh, and high-five her friends. Once the usually conservative and sexually boring women in the bachelorette party pick up on the “Be free and do whatever you want… no judgment here” vibe in the room, all bets are off.
Male strippers will tell you tales of brides-to-be performing oral sex on him in front of her friends, bridesmaids taking off their tops to get the stripper’s attention, women jerking off the stripper while friends cheer her on, etc. The frenzy of the moment is so intense, that some women seem to be completely caught off guard by their own body’s response to the situation. The boring mom of three can’t believe what she just did to some strange man in a room full of screaming women. She was just Suzy Homemaker going to her friend’s innocent bachelorette party… and now she’s some crazed slut who jerked off the muscular stripper and made out with one of the bridesmaids on a dare. These women are later seen outside crying their eyes out while their friends try to calm them down. “It’s okay, sweetie. We were all stupid. It was a party. Don’t worry, he won’t find out. Nobody will say anything. We promise.”
The out-of-control bachelorette party is an extreme example of what can happy when women “get away” from it all and feel safe “letting their hair down”. If under the right circumstances, you can bring about the same level of unbridled lustfulness. It takes effort, work, timing, and GETTING AWAY from your current environment.