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Dear D.S.O.,

I’ve been following you on Facebook and have read all of your posts on the website. I think what you’re doing is great and means a lot to guys like me. There’s one thing I don’t understand, and that’s why you seem to be so hung-up on open marriages. I have a friend that’s in an open marriage and they seem to get along great. My ex-wife and I were in a sexless marriage for years and I suggested to her that we think about opening our marriage. She didn’t agree with it, so we didn’t do it (it turns out the reason we weren’t having sex was because she was cheating on me for three years). I totally get why some people may want to explore that kind of marriage. If it works for them, what’s the big deal?

– Steve

Dear Steve,

I will be the first to say that anyone and everyone should be able to do whatever they please in the confines of their own bedroom. If it has no effect on me and my life and doesn’t hurt society in general, what do I care? Let your freak flag fly! I personally know people who are swingers and they seem to have excellent marriages. I truly do not care and don’t think it’s my business to preach what is what and what isn’t right for their sex life.

BUT… please understand the specific phenomenon that I am discussing in my posts. I’m looking out for men. My readers. Guys who have been hurt in relationships to toxic women and are starting over in life. This current phenomenon of “open marriage” isn’t about two people mutually talking things through and deciding that having sex with others would be a fun and good experience for their marriage. The phenomenon I’m talking about is a one-sided epiphany by bored wives who (understandably) want a little extra oomph in their life. Nine times out of ten, it’s actually a wife who has feelings for somebody outside of their marriage and they’re looking for a safe excuse to start an affair.

Thanks to the current social climate, the trend is for married women to treat their sexuality like a toddler that has just discovered a gun under dad’s bed. They have no concept of safety. It’s up to society to say, “No… you’re married, Susan. Put the gun down. It could be loaded. Quit waving it around like a madwoman. Put it back where you found it.” Instead, we have a media that seems hell bent on telling Susan to pick up the gun, put a bullet in the cylinder, turn the safety off, point it at her head and pull the trigger. Hey, she may survive and it will be thrilling!

To tell her to put the gun down and walk away would be tantamount to treating her like a toddler. That hurts feelings. That is mysoginistic. Bad husband.

In short… it’s a one-sided, manipulative, short-sighted, hedonistic and unrealistic ploy for women to have their cake and eat it too. She wants the comfort and familiarity of the Provider while testing the waters with a new Lover. I’ve personally never seen it work in the long-term. It usually ends with the woman becoming bonded to her new Lover and detaching from her Provider husband. Much like the reader who commented on the original post I made. 

“One day she came home just like you say. Crying. She fell in love. She couldn’t help it. So… that means we can’t still be married? Isn’t this an open marriage? No, because he doesn’t believe in open marriages. So she needed to divorce and be with him.”

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