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Dear DSO: Our Sex Life is Still Not Where I Want It To Be

DSO,


I saw your survey on the Facebook group asking about results from using The Dead Bedroom Fix. I was part of the group that said that things were a lot better, but I’m not still not 100% happy. You and I spoke last year about my issues, and since then I went from having sex probably once a month at most to at least twice a week. My only problem right now is my wife’s attitude about sex. I still get the impression that it’s more of an obligation for her.  It’s almost like she sees all of my improvements and realizes what she has to do to keep me around. She does really get into it once we get going and she loves it and we do feel much closer as a couple.  She’s even told me she wants to do it more often but her actions really don’t show it. In the past year I’ve only seen one time where seemed like she REALLY needed me and that was when we went on vacation with some friends without the kids.  What I’m wanting to get to do is to get her to the level where she’s as crazy about me as I am about her on a more consistent basis. 


J.


You hit on something very important in your email. “In the past year I’ve only seen one time where she seemed REALLY into me and that was when we went on vacation with some friends without the kids”. What about that situation was so different? Lack of kids sticks out. Change of environment. She was no longer MOM during that little trip with friends, was she? She was just a free woman again. The heavy blanket of parenthood and all that goes with it was pulled away and she was free to be HER again. THAT’S when the true her came out. The good news is that the true her is crazy about you.

Let’s be honest. When you enter into a relationship and have kids, everything in your wife’s body and brain is going to say, “Alright… job done with this dude. Take care of babies. Be a good mom.” She has to fight that urge. What prompts her to want to fight that urge? Action on the part of the man. Genuine attraction. Yes, part of that attraction equation is the feeling of, “I better do stuff to keep this high quality of a man around. He’s not gonna be happy with a granny panty-wearing slob who watches TV all day”… another part is “I genuinely appreciate this guy and feel extremely close and in love with him”… and another part of that is “I can’t help myself I need him right now or I will explode”. When guys in your situation tell me that they want more out of their much-improved relationship, what they mean is they want more of the “can’t help myself” attitude from the wife.

So, let’s break this down further.

When, in the history of your relationship together, did you see that “can’t help myself” attitude from your wife?

-    Early during the “new relationship energy” phase.
-    When newly married and trying to have kids.
-    After marriage and kids... when you went away together with friends.

I’ve already written on this topic, but I will say it again. YOU HAVE TO GET HER AWAY FROM THE KIDS.
Guys… many of you have been sold a bill of goods. Some of you genuinely believed that being married meant that you would always have a steady supply of hot sex and eroticism on tap. Pardon me while I and everyone else laugh uncontrollably at you for a few hours.

Let’s be realistic. If you are in a hot and heavy sexual relationship with a woman and you want to throw a bucket of ice water on the whole thing, it’s a two-step guaranteed process:

1.    Get married
2.    Have kids

The comfort and familiarity of marriage is the body blow to the woman’s libido. She’s wondering why she no longer has the really super powerful sexual oomph that she once had. But, with some work on her part, she can get to that stage of mind… just not as often. Sometimes she won’t feel like putting in the work. This is when husband begins to pout and turn on the nice guy behavior. This just makes things exponentially worse.

If the comfort and familiarity of marriage is the body blow, kids are the serrated knife to the jugular of the wife’s libido. Parenthood is the antithesis of sexuality. She’s now a mom. She’ll be the first to tell you that mom’s, by definition, are not sexy.

So, you want to get back to a regular glimpse of stage 1 level sexuality? Want to visit the new relationship energy phase once again? You gotta put in the work. You have to get her away from the kids. Frankly, you also need realistic expectations. You won’t go back to that early stage 100% ever again. You would get it in spurts, sure. You can get it for long continuous spurts during a getaway or vacation… but when Tommy is banging on your bedroom door screaming that his younger brother just took a shit in the bathtub, don’t think for a second that it’s a recipe for a hot and horny wife at home.

YOU HAVE YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU. Sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. Work work work work work. That’s what it takes. For you, as well as for her. You, being the man, must lead and set the tone of the work. You have to lead by example. You have to sometimes play the part of the bad guy. You have to play the part of the playboy. You have to play the part of the Lover. You have to pry her away from the kids. You have to be the one in the relationship that says, “Our romantic partnership comes before everything else. Period.” You have to be the one that puts up with the shit tests and objections that come with the leadership role.

Then, and only then, will you have a chance at seeing glimpses of that sexy young thing you used to bang the snot out of on the washing machine at 2:00AM.

Or not.

The “or not” is what a lot of guys have a hard time coming to grips with. Your wife giving you “really good but not fantastic” sex twice a week and the “holy shit that was amazing” sex only during your annual couples trip with friends may be as good as it gets. Is that a horrible thing? From where I sit… no. But, that’s totally up to you. Maybe you NEED a lot more out of your sex life. Maybe you need to take a step back and look at your current gameplan. Maybe it’s time to turn things up a notch. Maybe that means three more quick “no kids” trips per year. Maybe that means you try new sexual techniques. Maybe that means doing something outside of her comfort zone like taking her to a strip club. Maybe that means trying new toys. Maybe that means watching porn together. Maybe that means writing dirty stories to each other. Maybe that means trying out bondage.

There are an infinite number of things you can do to “kick it up a notch” in the sex department. Now that you’ve done the work outlined in the book, you are in the prime spot to lead and show her what you are REALLY made of as a man, and what she is REALLY made of as a woman. Yes, she needs her man to pull that out of her. The good news is that once you do, she will be your number one fan all over again.

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