Dear DSO: "My wife has been cheating for seven years."

Dear DSO,

So long story short…

We’ve known each other for 15 years. Married nearly 11.

First and only child is 5.

Sex and intimacy was great for a long time.

After we got married I wanted kids but wasn't ready and created lots of tension which led to me waiting six years.  Sex started mostly being mechanical around that time. Not every time but the bulk of it.

I did the exact things in the book that you described. I talked to her about my needs, tried to do whatever she asked, bought her nice things including leasing her an overpriced SUV that she wanted.  I am the exact Mr. Nice Guy, good husband that you described. But also, too much of a whiny bitch and you made me clue into that. So I have to change that.

Earlier this year I found that she has been cheating on me with an old boyfriend from before we met.

It started in 2013. They have met 9 times that I know of and had sex four times that she says. If I am supposed to believe that.  The most recent time being in Feb of this year.

When I found it, she asked for forgiveness and to keep her family together. I am giving her that chance and we will see where it goes.

We ended up having sex a few days after I found out then several times after that.  It has been the best sex we have had in years.

I am really not sure what to think and I am really not sure what I’m looking for from you here.

I just wanted to say that I fired through your book and I did draw some important things from it which will help me with whatever path I choose. To stay or leave that is.

Thanks for the read, take care.
Frank


Dear Frank,


So, early in the relationship you put up a boundary: “I’m not ready yet for a child.” This resulted in a pouting and resentful wife. She just went through the motions with you at that point. She didn’t get her way. You were supposed to be there to be her partner and procreate with her (in her mind)… so she protested. When people get pissed, they tend to protest and take it out on the ones they have resentment for. That’s “normal” (not necessarily healthy, but “normal”).

The problem is that your wife took that resentment and “stress” of the situation and did what was probably the worst thing she could do: She sought out attention from somebody else. She reached out to her TOTGA (The One That Got Away).

As you are well aware, that’s what we call a “galactically huge relationship no-no”.

There are signals that people give us in our lives. These signals say, “Uh oh”. It could be a friend of yours drinking 16 beers in one sitting the last time you two hung out. Uh oh. It could be your mom saying, “You know… I keep forgetting things. The other day I left the car running in the garage for hours. I’m even forgetting to take my pills.” Uh oh. It could also be your wife saying something like, “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” All of these are pretty blunt moments where life is telling you to wake up, take a giant timeout, and pay attention. Things are about to get very weird and possibly bad for you.

Your wife hit you over the head with such an “uh oh” moment. She just gave you a signal that said, “Being a wife? Yeah… that’s not really for me.” As I’ve said again and again, this job of “spouse for life” just ain’t for everybody. In fact, it’s not for most of us. It takes a certain temperament, personality, a set of mental and emotional skills, and relationship/life framework (that you learn from mom and dad) to make it work. She has shown you that she doesn’t possess these qualities. She’s yet another “supposed to be single” woman who procreated with a nice guy.

Welcome to the club, my man.

Life just gave you a big fat test. You want to stop being Mr. Nice Guy? You want to be more assertive? This your opportunity to show the world what you’re made of. 

Turn the page on this chapter. Show the woman who the boss is. Play the part of the rational leader who is able to set his emotions aside and say, “Yeah… we both know this isn’t going to work. I wish you nothing but the best. Now, let’s do all we can together to make sure we raise this kid in a healthy way… but we can’t do that as a couple.”

Now… about the sex after the affair thing. This is textbook normal human behavior. This is what we call “hysterical bonding”. This is a relatively short-lived period of intense sexuality between two people after such a traumatic moment. You are reclaiming her body, your status as her man, and she is trying to prove she is worthy of your marriage. Sounds great… but it never lasts. Usually a few weeks at best.

The TOTGA will always be there. Always. If not him, another one will slide in his place. She won’t stop having affairs. She doesn’t have the tools to say NO to such temptation. This is how she copes with life.
She’s not cut out for this wife job, amigo. You know it. Everyone knows it. She may verbalize that she is, but her actions over the YEARS tell you otherwise.

Good luck, my friend.

DSO

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