We all know the tried-and-true stereotype of the typical modern day dead bedroom/sexless marriage:
Man is horny and ready to go at any time. Even though his wife is older, heavier and not nearly as bubbly and sweet as she was in the honeymoon stage of their early relationship, he still loves her intensely. He still has the soft/romantic feelings of love and devotion for her, as well as the harder more sexual/lustful feelings that have been there since puberty. Saying “I do” didn’t change a thing for him in the horniness department.
How does SHE feel about him and their sex life? Well, if you watch her actions… she sure seems indifferent and most of the time annoyed by his sexual and loving advances. The husband craves the intimacy and validation that comes with having sex with this wife, and the wife… she just seems to crave rest and a glass of wine. She seems overwhelmed much of the time and the husband is made to feel like part of the problem, instead of the gateway to sexual fun that he hopes to portray.
Sure, the lovable loser husband will sometimes get table scraps from the wife. Sometimes his whining and pouting are too much and the wife will undo her sweat pants and head to the bedroom. “Okay… but we’re not doing oral. That makes my jaw hurt and you haven’t showered yet today. Get batteries from the kitchen. The ones in my vibrator are dead.”
What exactly is going on here? Is this scenario of the dead bedroom/sexless marriage just inevitable? If you have heart-to-heart conversations with your buddies, the majority of them will report much of the same thing. They want sex. She doesn’t most of the time. They are frustrated. They just live with it. What else can they do?
It’s almost as if everyone has just resigned and agreed that sexless marriages are… NORMAL?!
Some men eventually hit the end of their sexual rope. They can’t take it anymore. Usually, some kind of event gets them to the point of no return. Maybe they were hit on by some sexy, pretty young thing at the company Christmas party. Maybe some gal at the office was talking about what a “lucky woman” their wife is to have “an attractive and sweet guy like him”. Maybe the wife got very angry the last time he attempted a moment of intimacy and she said really hurtful things that made him question his role in their marriage. Whatever it was, something has flipped the switch in their brain and the man has had enough.
Men who have “had enough” usually don’t walk away. They search for solutions. Fixes. They identify the problem, they figure out what to do, they do it, it fails. They try again. That’s usually how they get to websites like this one and buy books like The Dead Bedroom Fix. They’re frustrated, angry, sad and confused.
A sexless marriage can be considered a form of abuse.
The cold hard truth? Most likely… your wife is just not sexually attracted to you. Barring any kind of physical issues (birth control, hormonal issues, etc.), the fire IS in there… Just not for you. Instead of reading up on why your wife doesn’t want sex in general, you should instead look at why you’re not pushing your wife’s “must have sex with this man” buttons. It could be a myriad of reasons, but going down the easy road of “she’s just not that sexual” or “she’s just overstressed” isn’t going to get you closer to fixing your sexless marriage.
A lot of men come to my website after discovering their wife in an affair. The majority of these affairs were precipitated by a long dead bedroom period. They didn’t get sex from their wife. She wasn’t into doing THAT anymore. Wife was tired. Wife was cranky. Then the the husband sees or hears something that gives him a bad gut feeling. He starts snooping. He makes the big discovery. He says what all guys in this situation say:
“She did that with HIM?! She would never do that with ME!?”
The simple truth is that the fire was in there all along, and it took some loser at the bar or some random coworker to bring it out. Your long, comfort-based relationship of so many years is no match for “Wow… you look really hot” from some casual acquaintance that everyone says is a complete asshole.
Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a rare scenario. It happens a lot. I have the emails and website visitors to prove it.
Want to learn the key to turning around your sexless marriage? Want to fix the dead bedroom once and for all? Already divorced and don’t want to go down that inevitable road again with your next partner? The irony is that the beginning of the long road toward a solution can be found within the frame of the common wife affair. Start at the end if you want to find the truth.