I’ve been doing this DSO thing for years now and by my estimation, I have chatted one-on-one with over 1,000 men… plus thousands of more online in discussion forums (including our own DSO Fraternity forums and live member meetings). After a while, you start to notice patterns in the stories. Men think they are unique in their tales of woe… but oh boy are they wrong. I’m sure psychologists and the like are unified in saying, “Man… these humans sure are interesting but predictable creatures.”
With that being said, I also recognize that people really really don’t like being categorized. They don’t like being told that they are a typical case of _______. They may take comfort in “not being alone”, but at the same time they want reassurance that they are special… different… not doomed to the same fate as those OTHER guys.
With that out of the way, let’s look at what I consider to be the three types of married men today.
The guy who would otherwise rarely, if ever, be in a romantic relationship.
We all know this guy. Hell, you may BE this guy. They have very little experience with women. Probably scorned and shamed by girls while growing up. Probably saw a lot of their fellow young men chatting up girls, flirting, and “getting lucky” with what seems to be little effort. They felt cheated out of what most of society tells them is the pinnacle of existence: To be in a romantic relationship with a woman.
They probably turned to pornography to fill their needs… probably to an unhealthy level. When entering adulthood, they probably built themselves up to what we call “super provider” levels. They have a great career. They would love to have a family. They are overall kind and generous…probably to a fault. They probably have very little in terms of what we call “boundaries”, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. To be in the presence of a woman is a rare treat for them. To be in a sexual relationship with one is akin to visiting heaven and winning the lottery. They will sacrifice much to stay with a girl.
Women are pressured to settle down and be with a super provider. Their family, friends, and society overall will tell them that Mr. Provider is exactly what she needs moving forward in life. On paper, they are exactly right! You want safety and security? Look no further!
As we know, dead bedrooms are not uncommon for the super provider. These relationships probably lack that early “new relationship energy” or as I call it, the “hot and heavy” phase that many other men report. These men will say that anything approaching the level of eroticism they see in porn still eludes them. Their wife has never shown any interest in anything beyond missionary in the dark.
It’s very tough for these men to turn around their relationship to a level that meets their physical needs… simply because there’s no “turning around”. They need to completely recreate themselves into something that the wife suddenly finds attractive. That’s extremely difficult, if not impossible for most. That’s even tougher with a wife who is overwhelmed by a job, three kids, and looming menopause.
It is argued by many that the concept of marriage was created, in part, to keep these types of men satiated and under control. Men who feel they DESERVE sexual gratification and a romantic partnership… but have little in the way of skills to naturally achieve it…. well, they tend to be chaotic creatures. Think of the “incel” type who builds up a large arsenal of machine guns and plots to do a mass shooting to show the world just how much we have all hurt him. Yes, it can be that awful and dramatic, as we have seen. Thankfully, it doesn’t go that far for most. Most of the time they find themselves diving deep into the world of online forums and groups dedicated to misogyny and hatred of women …. and even more hate for the men who are “lucky” enough to get them. It’s not a pretty picture.
For a select few of these guys, they are able to break free and create themselves into a whole new person. They see that they have real potential and real value in the world. They see that life is not all about sex and getting into their wives ‘ pants. They IMPROVE themselves a great deal… and many are able to light a fire under their wife and start up her sexual engine. But, many discover that their wife never was the match they thought she was. They divorce and go out into the dating world with their new “high-value dude” suit on… and oh boy life gets a lot more fun for them.
Unfortunately, for many of these men, the wife beats them to the divorce punch. They discover that their wife was secretly chatting with “The one that got away”… the loser from her past who really pushed her buttons. Their affair goes from emotional to physical in a hurry. The full-blown affair is discovered, and the divorce is underway. The Super Provider tries all he can to keep the marriage intact, but it is far too late. The current laws and regulations around divorce (thank you “no-fault divorce” laws) make it so that the Super Provider has to continue on providing for his ex and he loses precious time with his children. For many of these guys, this serves as their awakening. It pulls back the curtain on their marriage and exposes it for what it really was: A sham. He’s angry, betrayed, depressed, and possibly suicidal.
This guy has never had a problem getting girls. Sure, he’s been shot down many times… but he’s not one to curl in a ball and weep over a woman denying his advances. This guy has the “abundance” mentality in spades.
Society tells our lady’s man that he needs to settle down with one gal and make some kids. Why? Well, the player tends to not have much direction in life beyond “getting laid and having fun”. Sure, there are some gainfully employed player types out there, but it’s also not unusual for this guy to live in some one-bedroom apartment with nothing in the fridge, one recliner, and a really big TV… and that’s about it. His job is okay… but nothing that screams “super provider” material. He’s not really the best picture overall for our society, or more specifically for our consumption-based economy. We’d all be much better off is Mr. Playboy got married, had 2.5 kids, and bought the SUV and minivan, etc… instead of going around and possibly impregnating young gals he meets at sports bars and pool parties.
The Player usually has “holy shit” levels of new relationship energy when in the early stages of marriage. He’s attractive and charming, after all. He was probably able to snag a woman that reciprocated his level of sexuality. This is the level of intimacy that he expects, and he gets it. Life is good. And then… the kids come into the picture. Comfort. Familiarity. Stability. This is a pretty potent libido killer for a lot of women, and his wife is no different. Mr. Player finds himself saying, “Uhhh… this ain’t gonna work for me.” He may even approach his wife and say exactly that. What he gets back from his wife and his entire social circle is some variation of, “Hey dude… this is marriage. What did you expect? Learn to love it.”
It’s interesting to me just how much my interaction with the Player type reminds of talking to a woman about relationship issues. Why is that? Well, let’s look at the similarities. The Player is the “Player” for a reason… he has a product, himself, and he puts it out on the market… and the market responded by giving him sexual attention. He’s the iPhone of the sexual marketplace. For the women, I often joke that no matter if she’s 20 lbs overweight, has eight kids, etc… all a woman has to do is stick her head out the front door and yell, “Okay, who wants some of this?! You have ten minutes!” and SOME poor shmuck is going to running. Why? Because she’s a woman. The current marketplace has told us all, in no uncertain terms, that the value of women is through the roof. You may not like to hear it, but that’s the truth. Just go ahead and create a fake female online dating account. Pick photos of the most “average” woman you can imagine, and sit back in awe at the number of messages she receives. It’s insane!
What your average woman and the Player type of dude also have in common, is this unwavering feeling of, “Is this really as good as it gets?” The average woman sees her average ho-hum man and her mind starts spinning with thoughts of, “Do I really LOVE him anymore? He hasn’t given me butterflies in I don’t know how long? What does he provide for me other than a paycheck? Do I really NEED him?” The Player looks at his frumpy wife who told him “Not tonight honey” for the fourth night in a row, and he starts thinking, “Is this as good as it gets? Ten years ago I was getting three different women every week. This is insane. Why am I putting up with this again? I wonder what single life will be like…?”
What’s also interesting to me is just how hard the Player type falls MADLY in love with some of the women that he has affairs with. He’s ready to drop the wife and move in with the single mother of two because “She makes me feel like I’ve never felt with my wife. She gives me that connection I need. We’re very similar in so many ways.” This speech is so eerily similar to the typical wayward wife/affair fog speech, that I just have to laugh.
The all-around great guy
This one is the rarest of the bunch. He COULD get to Player levels of sexuality, but that’s not really his style. He probably has the charm, looks, personality of the Player… plus the Super Provider characteristics…but really he doesn’t really fall into either category. He’s that elusive combination of both. He enjoys his freedom and succeeds in spite of his single status… but he would really enjoy going through life with a partner. His more “traditional” values mean that he recognizes the advantage of marriage. Yet, he’s not quick to pull the trigger on walking down the aisle. Meeting his criteria is tough. These guys are quickly snatched up in the dating market. After all, he’s the best all-around dude possible… which means he has a long line of women ready and willing to play the part of wife. He brings out the best in women, and they bring out the best in him. He’s a great all-around dude to have fun with and to start a family with… it doesn’t get any better than this guy! Considering his probable healthy childhood and lack of negative baggage, he’s probably more apt to find a woman of similar ilk. Divorce is not as common with this rare gem of a man.
What I have found is that every man seems to think that he falls into category number three… but it’s rare. Most of us just don’t have the tools in our mental toolbox to pull it off. We CAN get there, if we so choose, but it takes work. Lots of work. For many… it’s just not worth the hassle, so they go on being resigned to their current status… and most of the time they bitch incessantly about it.
I often say to category 1 and 2 men, “You know… you don’t HAVE to be married. You can live life as a bachelor. That’s a perfectly acceptable way of life.” What surprises is me is just how many guys, especially the Player types, tell me that they recognize their faults and how that gets in the way of what they want… but they want to roll the dice anyway. They want the family. They want comfort and stability. Sure their past actions and results show them that maybe taking a big fat timeout is in order… but they don’t care. The drive to pair-bond with one woman for life is just way too strong. They marry, they have children, they create chaos… and the cycle continues for generations.
All of this is precisely why you’ll never hear me say to men and women, “You just need to get married and make some kids”. I think that is a somewhat myopic viewpoint. All things being equal, marriage appears to be the most fruitful and chaos-free path of life for society as a whole… but all things are not equal. Not all of us have the tools and not all of us are willing to put in the work to acquire said tools. From where I sit, that’s perfectly okay.