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Dear DSO:

One of my best friends went through a really bad divorce about a year and a half ago. His wife had an affair with a guy from her work (she’s a nurse). Ever since then he’s been talking to me about how women cheat way more than we think and most of the women out there today are just like his ex-wife. I thought he sounded like a typical divorced woman hater so I didn’t let it bother me.  I understand he’s going through a lot of pain.

 

He told me that I really needed to read your site and listen to your podcast. I liked what I read and told him it all made sense and I’m here to help him out however I can, but he needs to go easy on reading so much because he’s going to go nuts and he’s starting to annoy everyone we hang out with. He told me that he wanted me to read your site because he thinks MY wife is cheating too. I told him he was full of shit and going too far. He started listing all the signs of a cheating wife that you outlined and yes… my wife does do some of those things. But doesn’t every wife?

 

My wife has been going out with her friends more. After our daughter turned 6 and started going to school, she felt like she could go back to her old self and start to party and have fun again. I am supportive of her and don’t see any problems with hanging out with friends. I know all her friends and they are all really good people. They’re not the type that would support her if she cheated on me. I’m very close to all of them and know all of their husbands and kids.

 

About six months ago she asked me about getting breast implants. She’s always hated her body after our daughter breast fed. I think she’s gorgeous, but her self-esteem problems have had an effect on our sex life. She doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and physical with me (in her words). She got the boob job and we are still paying for it. I thought the boob job would help fix things as far as sex goes but it didn’t. It hasn’t changed at all.

 

My wife has also become addicted to her phone and social media. She’s on it all day every day. She mostly does Instagram and Facebook but I also saw that she is on Snapchat. I don’t spy on her and don’t think any spouse should do that in a healthy relationship.

 

I would say that overall my wife has become more defensive and argumentative. Anything I bring up will usually end up in her getting pissed off. It’s now to the point where if it doesn’t involve her hanging out with friends then she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s very defensive and will say that she deserves to go out and have fun after being home with our kid for six years and basically raising her alone (I work a lot of hours and travel).

 

That’s it. From those things my friend is sure that my wife is cheating just like his ex did. The two of them were friends (and still are), and my wife probably knew about the affair of her friend. She says she didn’t but I find it hard to believe. 

 

What do you think? Is it fair to really judge people like this just based on a few things they do?

Brian

Brian,

Let’s recap:

  1. Your wife’s friend, your friend’s wife, had an affair. Your wife probably knew when this affair was going on, but never brought it up or did anything to stop it. In fact, they’re still friends after the truth came out. Not good.
  2. Your wife is now partying it up after enduring six years of being a stay-at-home mom.
  3. Your wife got a boob job to improve her self-image and, presumably, to get her more comfortable being physical with her husband again. Didn’t work. Not good.
  4. You’re in a dead bedroom marriage.
  5. She’s always on her phone.
  6. She’s always looking to start a fight.

So… do I think she’s cheating? No idea. Do I think she has laid the groundwork for what is a fertile affair-growing environment? Yep.

Her actions are bad news. They lead to one of two places:

  1. A bad marriage
  2. An affair

She’s acting like a brat. She’s rebelling. She’s bringing up the six years of being with your kid at home as reason enough for her to act in this way. Based on the tone of your email, I would assume that you have done little to nothing to put an end to the behavior. It may be too late at this point, but you need to do something if you want this marriage to continue.

Your friend is understandably emotional over his divorce. Men in his position found answers to some of his troublesome issues on my website, so he’s excited and trying to share “the gospel”. It’s not unlike the guy who found Jesus after going to rehab. It’s annoying to everyone around him, but you have to understand where he’s coming from. Finally, SOMEBODY connected the dots and made sense out of his turmoil-filled life. He has solutions. He sees a friend in danger, and he wants to throw you the rope to save you.

You may have caught your wife early on and you’re able to stop her from crossing the line into affair territory… or maybe not. Do I think you should spy on her? Yep. She’s your wife. Your lives are far too intertwined to just leave things to “trust”. Her actions have shown that there’s something to worry about. So… you investigate. Get her phone. Get into her social media accounts. Track her car. I have a feeling you’re going to be surprised at what you find… and not in a good way. These type of behaviors usually coincide with a lot of secrets. Not necessarily CHEATING, but secrets none the less. Not good for a marriage.

Good luck.

DSO

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