Dear DSO: My Wife is a "Chaos Queen"

DSO,

I saw your post about “chaos queens” and it really hit home for me. I thought I would share my story and you can pass it along to your readers.

My wife (will be my ex-wife very soon) had a really bad childhood. Her dad left the family. Her mom told her that dad abandoned them to be with another woman. He moved across the country. My wife later learned that her mom was a narcissistic psychopath that drove her dad away. He fought to see his kids, but the mom threatened him with attorneys and basically scared him away from having anything to do them. My wife didn’t find this out until she was in her 20’s. Her dad contacted her and she got to meet her half-brother and sister from his new family. Up until then she just thought her dad was a typical deadbeat cheater but it turned out he was just a really nice guy who fell for a really toxic woman. Oh, and her mom was a stripper when they met. I forgot to mention that part. Yeah, every red flag in the book.

My wife had three boyfriends before we met. They all abused her. She got pregnant twice before but aborted the babies because the men were lowlife drug addicts and she didn’t want the kids to have a bad childhood like her.  She told me all of this when we started dating. Like a fucking idiot I just listened and still wanted to save her. Just like you said, she told me I was the only guy who was ever nice to her.

We got married and had two kids. Everything was going great. She finished nursing school and started her first real full time job. She started making more money than me. That’s when the problems started. To make a long story short, she lost respect for me and she was banging a doctor and a fellow nurse at the same time. It was around the time that her affairs started that our sex life died. That’s when I found your website and your book. When I read your stories about cheating wives, I started checking out her email and Facebook. I saw her talking to another nurse about something that didn’t sit well with me, so I hacked her phone and saw all the evidence I needed.

I filed for divorce. I didn’t beg or ask to work things out. By this time I knew what she was and that it was pointless to try and fight for her. She wasn’t worth it. She was just a very broken woman.  She has made my life a living hell over the past year. Our kids have been told that I’m the worst man in the world. We’re basically reliving her childhood all over again. I pointed this out to her and that just made her even more angry. Her dad is helping her with an attorney and they are coming after everything of mine.

I know in the end I will be ok. I’m not even 40 yet and I keep going up the ladder at work. I make more money now than I ever have. She has moved out with the kids to an apartment and it’s like I can finally breathe again. I didn’t realize at the time what a terrible person she was and how much she was ruining my life. I’m going to fight with everything I have to get majority custody of the kids. She’s in no shape to be their full time mom. My attorney says I will at least get 50/50.

I just wanted to warn everybody that what you read on the site is all true. This happened to me and almost the exact same thing happened to my brother. I think we both agree that there’s something that makes us want to save these broken women and it’s going to end up killing us if we don’t stop. DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES WE DID. Just walk away before you get too far with marriage and kids.

Greg


Thanks for sharing, Greg. Don't beat yourself up too much. Our innate need to provide and protect, along with the ultra-attractive (sexual) nature of the typical chaos queen is a very common and very potent combination.

We were talking about this very topic on the last live meeting for the DSO Fraternity. As I've stated many times before, the only hope for such women is to hit rock bottom. Only then can they "wake up" and recognize that their pattern of behavior is completely toxic and is destroying everyone around them.

Unfortunately, very few women are allowed to even take a quick glimpse of "rock bottom". The world immediately comes to the rescue of the damsel in distress. My own ex-wife was given a dirt cheap car, a cheap home to rent, free furniture, and all the "you go girl" validation that a modern-day woman could ever need. On a very basic level, she was taught a valuable lesson: "Do something really bad. Everyone will still come to your rescue and praise you along the way." That's understandable, but it's not good. At all. It's completely detrimental to the fabric of the "family" as we know it.

Marriage is no joke. Put the wrong ingredients in the marriage stew, and you don't just have a unappetizing meal... but an actual incendiary bomb ready to explode and kill everyone around you.

Red flags. Know them. Take them seriously. Have respect for yourself. Know when to say enough is enough. Don't be shy about helping your brothers in need. If you see that they are headed for disaster, tell them before it is too late.


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