So my wife starts working with the personal trainer. She literally spends at least 2 hours each day at the gym.. and longer on weekends. How the hell does she accomplish this? She gets up at 4:00am every single day. This is her mission now. This is on top of her very long work schedule. I rarely see her.
I continue playing Mr. Mom at this point. I cook. I clean. Not ALL of the cooking and cleaning… but a good chunk of it. I help with the kids’ homework. This is on top of my full time job and 2 hours of total commuting each day.
Did I ever have enough of this BS and actually tell her that we need to make a change? That she is spending too much time away from home and I need to get out and do things, too? Yep. I sure did. Her response?
“You have never supported me in anything. You made me take this job and don’t let me to do anything I like.”
I… wait.. what just happened??
I still remember that conversation in the kitchen. Seeing her very crazy looking face as she spits out these words. Wow.
I was flabbergasted. This was a total fabrication. I made her take this job? I don’t let her do anything? What in the hell?
COMMON RED FLAG: Sudden obsession/addiction that usually revolves around self-improvement (actual or imagined) or in some way takes them back to a more youthful time. Examples are joining the gym and working out for hours at a time, going back to school, staying out late, making new younger friends, etc. This combined with a sudden rewriting of history is a VERY common red flag and cause for concern. The two always seem to go together.
After working out with trainer dude for a few months, the wife is buff. Not really in a good way. Too much so. She was never a petite gal, but this was just bulky, man-like muscle. Not the fitness bunnies you see in the magazines at all. I’ve worked out with athletic women before (when I was a younger attractive gym goer) and I know that chicks who lift weights can look extremely good… but this was not good. Not at all. Steroids? Who knows.
She is now glued to her phone like a teenage girl. Her speech and overall behavior is changing. She’s much more… trashy. Her southern twang is stronger than ever. She didn’t have an accent at all for the first 10 years of our relationship. Even her text messages to me look like they are coming from somebody else. Random misspellings. She has suddenly forgotten the difference between “there, their and they’re”. How weird. Who was this woman? She used to make fun of people like this.
COMMON RED FLAG: Being glued to their phone 24/7 is bad. Sudden change in behavior and personality is also bad. Becoming what she always hated? Watch out.
Bad News: My grandma was dying. She was in a nursing home down in Florida. She suffered from dementia and now kidney cancer. Her days were numbered and my mom wanted to know if I wanted to go down and see her. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in years (since the dementia kicked in and they put her in a home). Maybe we can stay the week at the beach there and make it a vacation. See dying grandma, say our goodbyes, enjoy some sunshine. Sounds like a plan.
(In hindsight… this was every bit as weird as it sounds)
So, we all load up in the minivan and head down to sunny Florida.
We arrive. Wife still glued to her phone. She still wakes up at 4:00AM and goes to the beach to workout. We hang out at the beach and her physical appearance is jarring. She posts photos on social media… another obsession of hers. Her sister sends me a text. “She looks like a man.”
Day two of our stay in Florida was D-Day. I was in the condo alone putting our baby down for a nap. Wife and two other kids were down on the beach. My mom was away. She spent most of the vacation with my Aunt, thankfully. I fired up the laptop. Wife was logged into Facebook. I saw a conversation between her and her personal trainer dude. This was not appropriate talk for a married mom of three to have with another man. Oh, god. No way.
Is she having an affair!?
No. Fucking. Way.
I approached her right away with what I saw. This was a mistake. The rest of the week was spent very openly talking about all things related to our relationship. This involved her denying any kind of misbehavior on her part… It was only flirting via Facebook. Nothing else. OK… they did kiss that once. Oh boy.
COMMON RED FLAG: This is called “trickle truth”. The awful truth is not so bad if you let it out just a little at a time. Usually the trickling goes something like: We were just being friendly -> We were just flirting -> We just kissed once -> He came over a few times but all we did was talk ->We may have kissed more than once -> Ok we had full blown monkey sex right on our bed while the neighbors watched and it’s all recorded and on the internet forever.
We agreed to do couples counseling. You can read about the results here.
The next several weeks of my life were pure hell. I’m going to purposely leave out the details. Just trust me, it was bad. It does me no good to expose those old wounds again.
She moved out. The sad part was that she was gone so much anyway, that the kids didn’t even notice. Seriously. After two weeks of that we decided enough of the charade and we sat the kids down to break the news. I remember sitting in our little living room and my wife looked at me with puppy dog eyes… as if to say “Can YOU do it, please??” I just motioned towards the kids “Oh no… this is all you. Go ahead.”
She told them. No hesitation. Mom was going to go live somewhere else. My daughter collapsed on the chair and immediately cried. My oldest son just sat there with his hands on his knees like an old man. Staring. Frozen. My wife called to him to come sit with her. He screamed like somebody shot him. My littlest boy was 1 and a half years old.. he had no idea what was going on.
Toughest day of my life.
I wished every type of cancer on her that day. I hoped for her to have a long, slow and painful death. She hurt my kids. She put her selfishness above their well being. Their lives will never be the same… and neither will mine. How could she do this?
This was all happening so fast.
Looking over what I have just typed… it seems so sudden. Boom. Boom. Boom. Done. Yep, that’s exactly how it was.
They say when things like this happen that you should “keep busy”. Oh, I kept busy alright. That’s never been a problem. Mom just wasn’t around at all for the kids anymore. She would pick them up from school, drop off, and go to the gym. I would feed them and put them to bed and she would pick them up in the morning for school. I was still commuting to work.
A divorce agreement was written up by her attorney. It was surprisingly fair. She recognized her contribution to our debts and took half. She also took one of the vehicles that was paid for (she would later crash it three times and finally total it). Left me with a car and the little house. 50/50 custody of kids. No fine print. No gotchas. She just wanted out fairly and fast. She had a new life waiting for her.
I couldn’t sign fast enough.