Alright guys, here it is. The plan you’ve been looking for. If you’re an adult male who wonders, “How can I give myself the best chance for living a highly sexual, fun, intense, passionate life?”… this is for you. The plan is as follows:
- Stay in good physical shape and health.
- Make decent money.
- Don’t cohabitate with a woman.
- Don’t marry.
- Don’t have kids.
That’s it. There’s your no-bullshit plan. Now go get ’em, tiger!
Wait… what’s wrong? Why are you hesitating? What’s that? Ooooh… you want a partner to go through life with? You like the idea of being married and raising a family? Well, my man, therein lies your “problem”.
Many of you reading this, those that follow me after reading “The Dead Bedroom Fix” (the number one driver of traffic to my site), are going through a very particular phase in your life (Note that I said “MANY” of you, not “ALL” of you. I know this won’t stop many of you from commenting or emailing, “Nuh-uh! Not me!”… but thought I’d give it a shot, anyway.):
You feel that you have improved yourself dramatically. You feel that your value as a man has greatly increased. You see an improvement in your wife’s attitude and the frequency of your sex life has gone up, BUT there’s STILL something missing. When you drill down into what it is you are looking for, the answer invariably comes out as some version of “I want that new relationship energy back. I want what we had when we were dating, before marriage and kids.”
Congrats, my man. You’re a human male. We’re engineered to want that energy and sexuality in our life. That visceral drive keeps our species going, after all. It makes us want to run around and knock up every hot chick we see. The animalistic hunger and desire for that level of intimacy keep the sex worker industry humming along generation after generation.
The good news is that you can certainly get that energy back with your wife… but only in spurts. You can think of these moments as little blips on the sexual radar. To believe that you can go back to “fives times a day for four days straight” new relationship territory with your wife is unrealistic and, frankly, unfair to your partner.
Getting glimpses of the old sexual her, unfortunately, takes work. Why? Well, you can thank mother nature for that. Women, when in the confines of a monogamous comfortable/stable relationship, tend to have their sexual knob turned down. For some, it just gets turned down to zero. It takes all kinds of effort on both the woman and man’s part to get that knob up to a four. You may, on rare occasions, see the knob go up to ten… but it won’t last very long. Yes, I know, back in the early relationship phase, all you had to do was say, “You look cute today” and her knob was up to ten and it stayed there for days on end. Again… that was then. This is now. Welcome to a long-term monogamous relationship.
I know some of you were sold on the idea of being married to one woman for life meant an unending supply of sex on tap whenever you want it, but you were sold a bill of goods. A healthy marriage means having a partner for life. It’s you and the little lady versus the world. It’s two people being there for each other through thick and thin. It means experiencing love and commitment when the rest of the world seems to be dead set on bringing you down. What does it not mean? Holy shit levels of wild erotic fun 24×7. That’s just a fact. The number of books I have sold and the thousands of emails I’ve received is enough evidence to show that the dreaded Dead Bedroom marriage is not an anomaly. If you take your foot off the gas, dead bedrooms are the norm.
Everything in life has a give and take. Everything requires a sacrifice. It’s up to you to decide if your marriage is worth the level of work necessary to get your very normal needs met. Nothing says you HAVE to be married or committed. It’s certainly not for everyone. If you are up for the job, then you need to be realistic about what that job entails.
Join me and Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, “Dr. Psych Mom” on May 19th for a 90-minute Q&A titled “How to Make Monogamy Work”. We’ll break down our thoughts on the marriage game, bring each of our unique perspectives to the table, and we welcome you to ask anything that may be on your mind. Nothing is off the table! See you there!