Dear DSO: "My wife cheated. What do I do now?"

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Dear DSO: "My wife cheated. What do I do now?"

Dear DSO,

I bought the Dead Bedroom Fix book back in December 2019. I gave it a full year to work. I was getting some mixed signals from the wife. Some days she would seem to be really into me, other days she would act like I didn’t exist. She’s always had odd behavior, but it really started going into crazy territory the last couple of years. I always had suspicions about her behavior, but I never could bring myself to believe that she would ever cheat on me. Well, I can now say that I’m part of the club I never wanted to belong to. I have a cheating wife.

I got ahold of her phone. She didn’t change her password. Not sure why she wouldn’t, because all the evidence was there. I can see messages between them that go way back. At least a year. It’s hard to tell because I would have to scroll for days to get to the bottom of the list. They probably text each other 500 times a day every day. They send photos. They say “I love you”. It’s obvious from some of the messages that they have met in person and had sex. I know that it’s over. I’m not going to be one of those guys that holds on to a cheating wife when she obviously doesn’t want me and hasn’t wanted me as her husband/lover for years now.

The reason I’m reaching out to you is because I really don’t know what in the hell to do next. We have two kids. They are 13 and 9 years old. They’re going to be destroyed by this. As a kid, how do you recover knowing that your mom screwed around on your dad? I can’t imagine knowing that about my own mom. What about me? Everything I’ve done up to this point has been as husband and dad. Now I’m going to be a single guy who only sees his kids half the time (if I’m lucky).

I just don’t get any of this. I really don’t. Her behavior towards me while she was having an affair. Some days she would be completely in love with me… other days she didn’t even see me when I was in the same room with her. Why the mixed signals?
Thanks for all that you do. I’ll be sure and read through the all the articles on your site. It looks like I’m going to have to take this “starting over” thing to a new level.

Thanks for reading,
J.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, my friend. I'm not going to lie, you're going to go through hell. Emotional hell. The chaos of divorce. Your kids will absolutely have their hearts broken. Yes, it will affect their image of their mom, as well as their vision for relationships moving forward in life. Infidelity and divorce is just a huge cluster bomb that takes down everyone within range.

BUT... if you play your cards right and get to work, you can come out of this smelling pretty good.

If you haven't done so already, check out my book, "NOW WHAT? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce". If you want to take things to the next level, check out the DSO Fraternity. You can join the group, talk to guys who have been in your exact shoes, read more articles, join member meetings and get access to ALL of my books at no additional cost.

If the Fraternity is not your thing, you're going to need to get help from somewhere. Go talk to a therapist/counselor. Get the emotions out. Learn how to best cope with the nightmare that you are about to endure. Talk to one of our coaches (rates are way lower for Frat members). There's zero shame in getting help from others.

You are not alone, my friend. Not by a long shot. So many guys have been exactly in your shoes. Many of them have come out of the situation a much better man. You may not believe it now, you may not believe it six months from now, but a lot of guys in your shoes (including myself) actually say, "I'm glad I went through all of that" when it's all said and said. Seriously. Life has a way of throwing curve balls at us, and some of those curve balls are pretty devastating. You still gotta keep moving forward. When you conquer awful situations like this, you learn a lot about life and about yourself. You're capable of a lot of great things, and sometimes it takes a "holy shit" moment like this to wake you up to that fact.

Be an example for your kids. Show them how a man responds to hardship. Show them how an adult copes properly. Show them that in this world of chaos, they can rely on dad to be the oasis of normal. They're going to need you now more than ever.

As far as your wife's up and down behavior... that's par for the course. You can't fathom the crazy going on in your cheating wife's head right now, nor do you want to.

Some reading for you:

You Can't Beat Emotion. Stop Trying.

Dear Betrayed Me. Words of Wisdom From My Future Self.

So Your Wife Cheated On You. Here's What You Do.

Best of luck to you. Please keep in touch.

DSO

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