Estimated Reading Time: 4 minutes

Dear DSO,

I’ve been divorced for about two and half years. My wife left me after her second affair. Those are the only two affairs I know about, but there were probably more than that. We had no kids thank God. Our marriage lasted about four years. I started dating before our divorce was final. I counted and I have been on dates with 28 different women. All but three of them were from Match.com. 

 

If I’m being honest, I am looking for my next wife. I’m definitely what you like to call a “provider” and I like the idea of going though life with a woman and being there for her. I am looking for the love of my life. I know she’s out there, but I’m starting to lose hope that I will be able to find her. There’s just too much trash women out there. Women today are fucking disgusting. They’re just looking for bad boys and assholes that they can have sex with no strings attached. They think it’s a good thing to act slutty and sleep with multiple guys at the same time. My problem is that if I have sex with women, which is way too easy, I get attached to them right away. I fall in love and start acting like a boyfriend. That’s when they usually ghost me and run away. I’ve had a few women tell me right to my face that I’m way too nice and way too attached. They tell me they just want fun and no long-term relationship.

 

I had ONE woman that I really hit it off online with. She was very sweet and we both talked about how we were tired of assholes looking for just sex and no commitment. She was very pretty in her pictures. Then I met her… and she was about 50 lbs heavier than her photos. Then she told me she had not one but TWO fucking kids.  She never mentioned kids. Then I realized that I was seeing A LOT of red flags and this woman was just looking for a provider guy to take care of her and her kids. I bailed on her. She texted me and called me every name in the book and said I’m an asshole like every other guy out there. It made me feel terrible. Maybe I’m starting to become just like the girls I hate dating.

 

I’m so tired of the whole thing. It’s dumb. Was I really wrong about relationships? Is marriage dead? You married again… how did you find your wife?

 

Jason

Jason,

There’s a lot going on here. It’s not a simple situation you find yourself in, but it is a common one.  Let’s break it down…

Women looking for sex but not commitment  —  Yep, times are a changin’, as they say. The sexual and economic landscape has gone through a pretty major shift. Good guys like you feel that finding a good-looking and decent woman looking for a good man to commit to should be a simple thing. You’re looking at the dating world through old-fashioned, male-centric glasses. Right now, the dating world is a woman’s market. 

When you strip away the economic factors (women looking for men to pay for their way through life) you’re left with a large group of the female dating pool that thinks that “settling” for a Provider is fruitless. Why would she devote herself to a man she has no sexual desire for if she doesn’t NEED his cash and resources? Why would she do that when her dating pool is so abundant? In their mind, they have the looks and personality necessary to allow them to pick from the cream of the crop. They want the Super Lover with the heart of gold, and they will go through a laundry list of Lovers to find him. In their mind, they have all the time in the world.

The irony is that a lot of men honestly feel that they fit the bill of, “Super Lover With a Heart of Gold” (SLWAHOG). The harsh reality is that the men deemed “relationship-worthy” account for MAYBE 20% of the dating pool. The remaining 80%? You’d be lucky to play the part of human dildo for one evening. 

It’s a buyer’s market right now… and the women are the buyers. You’re selling a product that your ideal buyer is not interested in. It’s really that simple.

Is there a magic formula to find Mrs. Right? Yep:

  1. Forget about finding Mrs. Right. If you are actively looking for her, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
  2. Just have fun.
  3. Loosen up. Stop being so dramatic. You don’t have to date and you don’t have to commit. You can focus on other things in life.

Big picture question for you: Why are you so damn caught up on the idea of finding a wife? Maybe you should dig into what it is in your past that is bubbling up now and causing you to feel like you NEED a wife so badly. Why can’t you be happy with friends, hobbies, activities and the occasional girl for a casual relationship and fun? Remember, you want a relationship with a woman to be an ancillary to your life… not the entire meaning to life. 

I can feel your neediness just from your email. It’s a giant turnoff. Women typically don’t want to feel NEEDED by a man. They want to WANT you. Yes, it’s all a stupid little game of cat and mouse… but welcome to the mating game. You have to play by the rules or you’ll turn into roadkill. You’re pushing forward your Provider traits. The only fish you’re going to catch are 50 lb overweight women with kids and a shrinking bank account… or decent-looking women that are getting up there in age and want to “settle down” and have kids. If that sounds appealing to you, that’s great… but please realize that these women won’t be interested in YOU as much as they are reacting to their biological shortcomings. They are running out of time to breed and start a family. Those are the women that later pop out a couple of kids and then get caught banging the landscaping guy because “something was missing” from their life.

Take a break from women for a while. You married a woman and she quickly cheated on you (multiple times). Maybe it’s time you stopped and talked to somebody to figure out WHY that happened to you and WHY you seem so eager to relive that experience. Good luck!

Recommended Reading

JOIN THE DAD STARTING OVER MAILING LIST!

Join my mailing list to receive notifications when new articles and podcasts are posted.

Thank you! Be sure to check your email to confirm your subscription.