Many guys that email me or post on the Facebook groups will begin their tales of woe with the most bluntly negative and self-limiting thoughts and stories. They tell me they are broke, they are old, they are fat, they are lazy, they are clueless about women, they can’t get sex, etc. Some of them seem to be going out of their way to convince me by saying, “Look, dude. I know you’re all about how my life can be great and all, but you don’t get it. I’m different. I’m REALLY pitiful.”
It’s bullshit, of course. These guys are literally one or two decisions away from flipping the switch and becoming whoever the hell they want to be.
I remember the old me. He wasn’t a pretty picture. He was out of shape. Slope shouldered. Flabby arms. Pudgy stomach. Very agreeable. Underachiever. Ho-hum to the core. “Yeah, okay. That’s fine.” That was me. I had that attitude about my marriage, my jobs, my hobbies… “Yeah, whatever”. Ironically, that wasn’t really my “natural” state. I wasn’t always like that. But, somewhere along the line I let my married life with three kids turn me into that. I sat back and let the world of laziness and apathy wash over me. Gone were my passions. Gone was my mission.
When my wife left, I was absolutely crushed. Lowest I’ve ever been, by far. But then… something clicked. I would love to tell you what the trigger was. It wasn’t one thing. I think it was a combination of things:
1. Anxiety-driven weight loss made me look better right away (sounds silly… but it was a big motivator for me).
2. Connecting with friends again during my non-kid time made me feel better.
3. Restarting my guitar hobby gave me some spark back. I’m a naturally creative person and need that outlet.
2. Starting testosterone gave me a HUGE bump in energy and focus. That was a very important missing piece of the biological puzzle.
3. I went to the gym more. Looking better and better. Feeling a million times better.
4. I changed my work situation so that I could work from home. More time to focus on kids and me.
5. I dated women and had lots of fun. Women were genuinely interested in me. Hadn’t seen that in a long time.
6. I met my now wife. We dated for almost four years before marrying. She’s a keeper for sure.
7. I started DSO. Having a mission and helping out other men makes me feel even better about myself.
So, there really was no single major “Ah ha!” moment. There was no magic formula. It was me basically taking advantage of my downtime, keeping busy, and DOING things. All of the things I chose to do were things I wanted and things that made me feel better about myself. I did those over and over again.
“I’m really out of shape and haven’t been to the gym like ever.” – Start today. It’s a gym. It’s no big deal. Really. Your future you will thank you.
“I got my testosterone tested and the doctor said it was low, but he said it’s too dangerous to start injecting testosterone and suggested I go on anti-depressants instead” – Find a new doctor. Check out testosterone clinics in your area. Read reviews online. Do your own research. It’s not a huge deal.
“I don’t really have friends I can connect with.” – Check out old friends on Facebook. Go way back. Try meetup.com. Randomly talk to guys at the gym/bar/restaurant/kids baseball games. You’re a big boy. Make new friends.
“I don’t really do well with girls. I never have.” – Don’t be scared of them. Get out there. Get turned down. Get laughed at. Get a drink thrown in your face. Then do it again. And again. And again. Get to the point where you welcome the failure. Getting a quick NO is better than a long drawn out maybe that turns into a NO.
Guess what happens.. eventually you get “lucky”. Then you realize it’s reward for a lot of continuous hard work. Then it becomes somewhat easy. Then you become picky about who and what you let into your awesome life. Then you get a call from a friend. “Hey, a buddy of mine is going through a bad divorce. Wife cheated on him. He’s losing everything. He’s almost suicidal. I told him about you. Would you mind talking to him? He really needs to hear from somebody like you.”
Then you realize… oh, holy shit. I’m THAT guy now?
“How did you do it?” your new sad buddy says to you over a beer.
“Well… it’s pretty easy, actually. I just kind of decided to get better.”
Of course, it’s not that simple… but then again, it is.