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Dear DSO: My Wife Had An Emotional Affair. I’m Confused.
Written by: DSO
Dear DSO,
I caught my wife messaging another man. They flirted and talked about sex quite a bit, but he eventually grew tired of her and cut all contact. She has been pursuing him non-stop for weeks. I found out about the emotional affair because she was acting strangely and I took her phone and saw all their messages. They talked through Facebook. I told her what I found, she promised to stop all contact, but I can see that she’s not stopping. She’s basically stalking the guy. She knows that I know … but she doesn’t care. She just keeps lying and sending him messages.
I know that the standard advice is to leave her for cheating, but here is my problem:
1. It was never physical. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t seen this man in person in over ten years (he’s an ex).
2. It feels like she is a drug addict and she just needs to get over her addiction and we can work on us again.
I would hate to give up on her only to find out that she gets out of her “affair fog” and she realizes what she is doing and she’s back to normal.
A couple of things come to mind when reading this.
1. You don’t value yourself very much. Where does that come from? If you value yourself, your time, and your dignity, you would recognize right away that…
2. She’s not wife material, amigo. Yes, it’s really that simple. You bought a dachshund and you’re upset that it’s not winning any greyhound races. No matter how much patience, diet, training, and finger-crossing you do…. the dachshund ain’t gonna win a race. She is what she is, my man. You picked a broken one. Welcome to the club! If it’s any comfort, I talk to guys in your shoes on a daily basis.
I’m willing to bet that this didn’t “come out of nowhere”. You saw red flags throughout the relationship, am I right? She probably had a chaotic childhood and it’s having negative effects on her relationships later in life. How do I know? BECAUSE I SEE THIS EVERY DAMN DAY. I see really good, kind-hearted men getting with broken women and then paying the price years down the line. It’s sad… and avoidable.
So, here’s what’s going to happen going forward. Eventually, she will realize that she’s about to lose her family and get scared and convince you that she sees the error of her ways and wants to work on you again. Then she will put in next to no work. To her, “work” may mean just “allowing” you to have sex more with her. This is the standard go-to relationship remedy for many women. They know what to do to shut you up. You’ll feel like things are all better… and then some of her behavior will be a little suspicious again. This may happen a year or so down the line… but it will happen. Then you’ll discover that she’s doing the “emotional affair” thing again… probably later discovering that the affair went physical in a hurry.
I understand that calling it quits is NOT easy. I do. But, you’ll eventually get there one way or another. It’s just a matter of time. Protect yourself. Be careful.
I caught my wife messaging another man. They flirted and talked about sex quite a bit, but he eventually grew tired of her and cut all contact. She has been pursuing him non-stop for weeks. I found out about the emotional affair because she was acting strangely and I took her phone and saw all their messages. They talked through Facebook. I told her what I found, she promised to stop all contact, but I can see that she’s not stopping. She’s basically stalking the guy. She knows that I know … but she doesn’t care. She just keeps lying and sending him messages.
I know that the standard advice is to leave her for cheating, but here is my problem:
1. It was never physical. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t seen this man in person in over ten years (he’s an ex).
2. It feels like she is a drug addict and she just needs to get over her addiction and we can work on us again.
I would hate to give up on her only to find out that she gets out of her “affair fog” and she realizes what she is doing and she’s back to normal.
A couple of things come to mind when reading this.
1. You don’t value yourself very much. Where does that come from? If you value yourself, your time, and your dignity, you would recognize right away that…
2. She’s not wife material, amigo. Yes, it’s really that simple. You bought a dachshund and you’re upset that it’s not winning any greyhound races. No matter how much patience, diet, training, and finger-crossing you do…. the dachshund ain’t gonna win a race. She is what she is, my man. You picked a broken one. Welcome to the club! If it’s any comfort, I talk to guys in your shoes on a daily basis.
I’m willing to bet that this didn’t “come out of nowhere”. You saw red flags throughout the relationship, am I right? She probably had a chaotic childhood and it’s having negative effects on her relationships later in life. How do I know? BECAUSE I SEE THIS EVERY DAMN DAY. I see really good, kind-hearted men getting with broken women and then paying the price years down the line. It’s sad… and avoidable.
So, here’s what’s going to happen going forward. Eventually, she will realize that she’s about to lose her family and get scared and convince you that she sees the error of her ways and wants to work on you again. Then she will put in next to no work. To her, “work” may mean just “allowing” you to have sex more with her. This is the standard go-to relationship remedy for many women. They know what to do to shut you up. You’ll feel like things are all better… and then some of her behavior will be a little suspicious again. This may happen a year or so down the line… but it will happen. Then you’ll discover that she’s doing the “emotional affair” thing again… probably later discovering that the affair went physical in a hurry.
I understand that calling it quits is NOT easy. I do. But, you’ll eventually get there one way or another. It’s just a matter of time. Protect yourself. Be careful.
