I saw the ad for The Dead Bedroom Fix on Instagram and the cover really hit me hard. That is exactly what I have been enduring for years in our marriage. I even kind of look like the guy on the cover LOL.
I listened to the book several times and it really hit home. I cried the first time I listened to it. I realized that I was really responsible for a great deal of our problems. Plus it’s gotten so bad that I’m not sure there’s any way we can come back from this. The book was just such a huge gut punch. I sometimes wish I didn’t read it.
I started reading all of your posts and listening to your podcast episodes. I realize that what I went through as a kid was pretty bad and pretty common… and probably a big part of why I’m in this situation now. So, now that I know what’s going on with me, why things went bad in our marriage (super pushover nice guy behavior), I wrote a letter that I’d like to give to my wife. I feel I owe her a huge apology and I want her to understand where I’m coming from and how I plan on fixing us and my dreams for us moving together in life. Here’s what I wrote:
[DSO NOTE: I am not including the actual letter. It’s too personal and way too long.]
So be honest… do you think I’m doing the right thing by giving her this letter? Should I just email it? I planned on printing it out and handing it to her so that I can see her reaction while she reads it. I want her honest feedback. I would like to know for sure if the work needed on myself and us is worth it or if I’m just better off divorcing.
Thanks, DSO. I plan on joining the Frat here soon. Look forward to interacting with other men in the same shoes.
Thank you for listening to the book and taking in all of the DSO content! Very much appreciated.
So… you’re doing something which is pretty common. You’re placing a great deal of importance on what your wife thinks. In short, you KNOW what all you need to do to improve yourself as a man. You need to confront your past childhood demons, you need to own up to your mistakes, and you need to carve a path forward in life that makes you proud. ALL OF THAT needs to take place with or without a wife in the picture. Even if your wife sat you down and said, “All of this self-improvement stuff you’re doing is bullshit and I hate it”… you will STILL do it! Right? I would hope so. So then… why go to her for what basically amounts to her permission? You want to prove to mommy… err…your wife… that you are a good boy, that you will be a good boy from here on out… and you want to see her reaction when she hears how good you are going to be. NO NO NO. Don’t do this.
Your ACTIONS will speak volumes. Trust me, she will see the improvement. She will see you putting up boundaries. She will see you being more attractive. She will see you leading. She will respond. Her response will be either, “Yay, about damn time”… or “Yuck, I want my whipping boy back.” Regardless, you still hold your head high and keep on your path.
Ironically, you recognize how much of an impact your childhood has had on you…. But I bet you’re missing the obvious right in front of your face. Your need for approval from your wife is probably directly related to your relationship with mom. If you’re like many guys I talk to, dear ol’ mom probably did a real number on you, mentally. You’re still acting out that trauma. I recommend you book a coaching session with myself or a member of our team, or go see a local therapist who specializes in such issues in men. You need somebody to check in with on a regular basis that can hold a mirror to your face and keep you from making some huge mistakes that may severely set you back.
Best of luck!