Dear DSO: “What if we were never really sexual?”


I read your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and I loved it. Probably my favorite “man” book that I own (and I have a huge library of self-help books at home… which may not be a good thing). I have one big problem with the book, though. You make a big assumption: That my wife and I were sexual early on in our relationship. Yes, we had sex… but I would never categorize us as having been in the “honeymoon stage”.

My wife and I met when we were both 24, and really hit it off. We were best of friends. We had everything in common. After seeing each other for about two months, we had sex once… and she got pregnant. The sex was not the best, I will admit. It was more awkward than sexy. Definitely not the “porn star” crazy I hear other guys talk about when in a new relationship. We just did it the once and then two months later discovered the pregnancy. To be honest, I was considering calling off the relationship until we discovered she was pregnant.

We decided to keep the child and got married soon after she was born. We never had sex during the pregnancy, and probably had sex maybe six times in the first couple of years after my daughter was born. So… not a very sexy relationship at all.

I lived in a dead bedroom for about eight years, and finally had enough. I read a lot of stuff, saw a counselor, but nothing really hit me as hard as your book. I put into practice the stuff right away and I did become a much better version of myself for sure. I lost a lot of weight. My career took off. I have more interests. I get way more attention from other women. Everything has been amazing… except my wife still really wants nothing to do with me, sexually. At all. If anything, it’s worse than before.

What advice do you have for guys like me? Does the DB Fix really apply to my situation?

Your situation is not terribly uncommon, but it’s not the “norm” and it admittedly wasn’t what I envisioned when I wrote The Dead Bedroom Fix.

Most guys that read the book are trying to rekindle what used to be there. For you, you’re quite literally starting over from the very beginning. Actually, it’s even worse than that. It’s not like you just met your wife for the first time and you’re trying to woo her from across a crowded room… You’re trying to turn a longtime friend into a romantic partner. As guys who date and find themselves in the “friend zone” will testify…. Good luck with that!

Let’s be honest here. Would you be with our wife if you didn’t knock her up years ago? You’ve found out, very early on, one of two things:

1. Your wife shuts down sexually when kids/marriage enter the picture (very common). Or…

2. You two never sexually “clicked”, but you were forced into this marriage because your one sexual session resulted in a pregnancy.

I’m leaning more towards #2. With that being the case, no, there’s probably no chance of turning this around. “Turning around” isn’t the right phrase. More like, “Recreating the relationship into one that never existed: A relationship that fulfills your sexual desires”. That paints the more realistic picture. You now must woo your woman and show her you’re not the guy she met all those years ago and you’re not the guy she has seen in action all these years of marriage. You’re now some completely new guy that CAN turn her on… All of which, to me, has the tone of, “Please see the new me and gift me with physical affection, your highness”. Instead, the tone should be one of, “I’m this new guy. Let’s see if I’m still interested in you after all this change, and vice-versa. No? Well… sucks, but that was expected. On to better things.”

Let her go, my man. Doesn’t sound like she was ever yours to begin with.


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