Hypergamy

There’s a subset of the internet that I recognize I intersect with a bit. They call themselves the “Red Pill” community. In short, it’s a bunch of mostly younger men who have discovered that the world of relationships, girls, in particular, is NOT quite what they thought it was. It turns out that, gasp… women are kind of f’d up too, in a lot of ways. They too can be assholes! While we have always known that MEN have this quasi-animalistic set of urges and instincts (see: porn, prostitutes, etc), it turns out that WOMEN also have an underlying set of such behaviors and instincts and… here comes the shocking part… some of these instinctual behaviors are NOT VERY NICE.

This line of thinking has become so shocking to the average internet Joe, that they had to borrow from the movie “The Matrix” and liken this revelation to “taking the red pill”… Seeing life for what it REALLY is. Some of these guys are so taken aback by this revelation that they construct their entire online persona around it. They write articles and books on the subject. Endless tips and advice for how to navigate around female human nature and get into their pants. The “red pill” is, ironically, one of the most potent examples of “putting women on a pedestal” I’ve ever seen. Men are literally devoting years of their life to cracking the code and scoring chicks.

It could be argued that my popular book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, is “red pill” in nature. I’m always surprised at just how much of a shocker the content is to many men. I mean, I get it in a way… but when I came to the revelations that led to the book, it was done more in the theme of, “Sigh… here’s all the shit that I always really knew but just ignored for a variety of stupid reasons”. I’ve learned that is not necessarily the case for many of my readers. For many guys, what I outlined is as shocking as if I had announced that the aliens have arrived on Earth.

Of all the facts that myself, the red pill community, and scientists who study human behavior have revealed, there is none more shocking and controversial than the concept of “hypergamy”. To me, hypergamy is one of those “Yeah, I always knew that but didn’t quite know how to properly define it” kinds of things. To many men, it’s nothing short of pure evil.

What exactly is hypergamy?

Hypergamy is the name given to the universal observation that women tend to “partner up”. At the very least, women will marry somebody who is even with them on the social hierarchy, but preferably somebody above them. Not always, of course… but more often than not. The female CEO of Acme company is probably not going to marry the janitor that cleans her office. Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the male boss of a company to marry his secretary. Again, it’s one of those things that we all kinda already knew, but never thought to put a name to it.

One interesting side note: This does not necessarily relate to short-term sexual partners. The female CEO of Acme may leave the company Christmas party with some hunky guy who works in the mailroom, but partnering and marrying the guy is most likely completely off the table.

This phenomenon seems like a “well, duh” thing to some of us, but to others, it is a real kick in the proverbial crotch. A lot of men have been sold on the Disney/Hollywood story of love and long-term marriage. Then these men lose their jobs and discover that in a surprisingly short amount of time, their wife was consulting with an attorney about divorce. While he is in the depths of despair, some of his more honest female family members and friends will say, “Well, yeah… women need that security. She’s scared. I can understand that.” The man is thinking, “Security? Scared?! What about our vows?! What about the family?!”

Hypergamy is such a touchy subject for a couple of reasons:

  1. It paints women in a not-so-good light. It makes them out to be… well… human. It shows that for long-term partnering, they require certain conditions. That sounds animalistic, if not robotic in nature to some of us.
  2. It makes men feel very uneasy. It paints marriage as some sort of “game” that has rules and regulations. We, as men, have to fall within certain parameters or the whole thing collapses.

It’s kinda like finding out that Santa doesn’t exist. “Wait… I don’t just write a letter and get the shit I want? Mom and dad have to WORK hard for this, save up money and BUY this stuff for me? If they don’t have a job, I may not get the stuff?!”

Yeah, welcome to the real world, kiddo.

It can be argued that we men have our own form of hypergamy… but society has done a very good job of keeping it under wraps or shaming it into submission. As men, we know that what we prefer in a mate can be summarized as follows: Young, pretty, and fertile. Everything we like, on a shallow “mating” basis, points to those three things. Ask any 40-something mom walking through the mall with her husband, and she’ll tell you about the countless times she has caught her man staring at those pretty young things prancing around… or the number of times she saw her husband’s internet browser history filled with Pornhub links with words like “teen”, “young”, and “college coeds”. Ask the founders of dating websites like OKCupid. Their data showed that while women mostly looked at male profiles that were close to their own age, men looked mostly at the accounts of 20-something women… regardless of the man’s own age.

 

In many men’s eyes, the difference between his secret desire and hers is that he’s able to separate his desires from “real life” and carry on as a “faithful” husband, while the wife’s hypergamous urges can quickly break down the family unit. In other words, his wife gains 50 lbs after marriage and the husband just shrugs his shoulders and spends more time watching porn. On the other hand, he loses his job and the wife immediately starts texting an ex-boyfriend.

Let’s be honest here… this is a very myopic view of the situation, and one in which guys fall into the “victim” trap and try to paint themselves as angels. Guys… men cheat. A lot. We all know this. I often talk about how I used to work for a big Fortune 50 company years ago and, like with most companies of that size, I had a lot of bosses. Most of the bosses in my little group were male, of course, and most of them had a history of screwing around with women outside of their marriage. A couple got divorced over it. I remember being flabbergasted when I watched the boss of my division sitting in a meeting and asking about a pretty female consultant that we all knew he was secretly banging. He didn’t know that we knew. He sounded like some lovestruck teen girl who wasn’t getting enough attention from her crush. “Have you guys heard from Mary lately? Is she off on a trip right now? When’s the last time you heard from her? Did she say anything about our last meeting?” The guy had the picture-perfect family at home. Beautiful wife and children… and here he was acting like a horny buffoon over some pretty blond consultant.

It’s said by many sex researchers that male infidelity is determined by opportunity. The more options a man has, the more apt he is to screw around. Your former “player” dude who developed the skills to easily score women is more likely to have options (girls hitting on him) and therefore is more likely to cheat on his wife. Pretty simple stuff. Another common finding is that men are way better at compartmentalizing the affair as just “sex” and not an Earth-shattering event that calls into question the meaning of their existence. For women… infidelity more often than not leads to a “detachment” from their spouse as they pair-bond with the new partner and attempt to form a relationship. So, if your barometer for “evil” is who in fact is more apt to leave a marriage after an affair, well then women seem to win that contest.

I think we, as men, have come to terms with our sexual urges. We know what we like in a dream mate, and we know that we probably won’t get all of THAT within the confines of our marriage. We’ve resigned ourselves to our urges and found other avenues to fulfill them. The market recognizes this unmet urge and provides numerous products to scratch that itch. Go to the wrong part of town, park on a corner, and just wait for the prostitutes to come up to your window and ask if you want a date. Now have your wife go to the same part of town and do the same thing. How many male prostitutes will come up offering her oral sex for $20? Exactly. If anything, some poor desperate guy will pay HER for the privilege of spending five minutes in her back seat.

We’re not living in the same sexual world. Not at all.

We recognize this discrepancy. Society, as a whole, has done a pretty damn good job of shaming those natural male urges and pushing them further underground. If you’re caught buying services from a prostitute, they may put your face on the news for the world to see. Thanks to the internet, nobody will ever forget that you are THAT guy: A degenerate. Our wives yell at us for looking at girls, looking at porn, and making lewd comments at inappropriate times. Our schools pull boys aside and tell them that we need to cool it with the sexual innuendo and flirting with the girls. It makes them feel uneasy. 

Message received. All that sexual stuff you’re feeling? Really really bad stuff. Cool it, mister. 

Therefore, if we are so inherently BAD… then our counterpart, the woman, must be put on this Earth to balance us out. She is the kinder and softer Yin to our Yang, right? We’re this vile thing that needs to be tamed… and she’s this timid, more pure thing that needs to be nurtured.

But then… we find out the truth. Timid… pure…? Not quite. She’s human. Just like you. If needs aren’t met, then alternatives must be procured. You sneak off to the basement with your laptop and a bottle of Jergens lotion… while she is texting her newly-divorced friend listening to stories about just how amazing single life is. Both of you have needs not being met within the relationship, along with a fine collection of personal emotional baggage, and both are finding ways to get the dopamine hit that they need to feel normal again.

Hypergamy hurts so much because:

  1. We have an innate sense of scarcity when it comes to relationships. “If this one fails… I’m doomed.” Of course this is not at all true.
  2. We sometimes elevate women to mother-like status… and nothing hurts worse than when our mothers reject us. This is a level of worship our partners should have never attained. It’s very unhealthy.
  3. The concept of a hierarchy within the world of relationships is understood and accepted, but we feel that marriage throws out all of those silly “games”. It doesn’t. If anything, it amplifies them.

Hypergamy is real, and it’s not going anywhere. Even in more egalitarian societies where women naturally rise in the professional ranks, we still see hypergamy fully on display. The marriage rates plummet. Childbirth plummets. We’re seeing it happen right in front of our faces. Women hold out for somebody higher up on the food chain. If no such men are available, then the institution of marriage does not exist.

For many who study and observe the human mating game, the solution seems obvious: It’s time for men to step up their game. Want to jump into the world of marriage? It’s going to take more work than ever before. For many guys, stepping up to the plate is just not worth it. The idea of more work is ludicrous. The juice, as far as they are concerned, just ain’t worth the squeeze.

The Pareto principle, a.k.a. “The 80/20 rule”, once again shows its ugly face. It seems that nothing within nature is immune to this universal law. If you want to join the elusive “20” groups, then you have to work very VERY hard to get there. That’s precisely what hypergamy is telling us.

Dead Bedroom Fix
Now What?

2 Comments

  1. I’m recently got divorced, I struggled with the reasons why she ended the marriage after 24 years. I thought no matter what things are fixable. I could seem to do anything right in her eyes. She had so many different reasons. She knew I could not address them all. I was fighting for really nothing. She had slowly but surely been pulling away from me and I watched it happen. I thought how could she change the way she felt about me like that. How could you be that in love and then not be. Fucking 24 years later. I just don’t know how you do such a thing. Change like that. How does one just flip the switch like that. She now is living with my son and her boyfriend who is 20 years younger and on parole. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I was one of the good guys you know. Or a least I thought I was. 24 years with the same person in your life and with in a short amount of time. It’s all gone. Watching that person go from loving you to hating you is a weird thing. And I know that I don’t understand it all. I came to the conclusion that she hid things, feelings etc. There towards the end. Wasn’t being honest with me about her true feelings. Then tried to blame me,bad dad, bad father. In the end. I was left holding my bags and saying good bye to my son. Nothing I could do but walk away.

    Reply
    • Hi Dale. The simple answer: Because she was a broken little girl that not dealt with her issues… and you and your son get to enjoy the end result of that. Just stay clear of her because things will continue to be rough. Best of luck.

      Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.