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Dear DSO: “I don’t have sexual desire… but that’s no reason to leave me.”

Dear DSO,

I am a woman but I still read your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. I was really bothered by the ending of the book where you suggest that a man should leave a relationship if he’s not getting sex from his wife. Personally, I think this is bullshit and an awful way to look at marriage. I happen to be a very low-libido and possibly asexual person. I always have been. I was able to have sex with my husband early in the relationship but as the years went on my ability to put on a good face went away. I couldn’t fake it anymore and I told him so. He left. He broke up our family and everything we have for sex. It’s books like yours that help push men like my ex-husband over the edge when instead they should stay and work on their marriages.

Deb

Well, first of all… the book doesn’t say, “If you don’t get sex then leave”. That’s not anywhere near telling the whole picture. The part you are referring to says, in a nutshell, “If you have done everything outlined in this book and your wife still does zero to work on your marriage, then leave and save yourself.” But, putting that aside, let’s look at what it is YOU are saying.

You are basically stating the case that you are missing a crucial component of a romantic relationship, a libido, yet you still feel you deserve the rewards of a relationship… like having a life partner and a family.

Unfortunately, sweetheart, life doesn’t work that way.

I can say that I DESERVE to have all of the spoils of being a billionaire, but I don’t want to work so many hours, invest any money, or take any risk. Any billionaire type will listen to you and laugh. “It doesn’t work that way” they will all say.

Well, Deb, marriage doesn’t work that way, either.

Whether it’s by virtue of your biological makeup, your emotional baggage, whatever… you don’t experience sexual desire, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is that you have paired up with a person who DOES have sexual desire and, like most mentally healthy humans, has determined that this is a crucial component of a long-term monogamous relationship, a.k.a marriage. If that extremely crucial component is missing… then the marriage is null and void. I’m sorry if that goes against your beliefs, but frankly… your beliefs are horseshit.

Your lack of sexual desire does NOT make you a bad person. It just makes you a person who has no sexual desire and is therefore not suitable for a relationship with a person who DOES have sexual desire. That’s it. That simple. It could be argued that your early marriage behavior (providing him with sex) was a case of the ol’ bait and switch. You knew at the time that you didn’t want sex, did it anyway to get the husband, house, and kids… and then later pulled the rug out from your partner. “Psyche! Just kidding. Now you can’t go anywhere.” Oh yes, he can… and he did.

The good news is that your behavior probably damaged the poor guy and he will have major trust issues with subsequent relationships. In addition to that, your kids will probably be pretty f’d up as a result of watching the dynamic between you and your ex. If you have a son, he has been sitting back and learning that “This is how women treat men”, or a daughter who says, “This is how women SHOULD treat their man.” Hopefully, your ex is able to get over the trauma of what you put him through and is able to form a loving relationship with another woman so that your kids can see firsthand what a true relationship looks like.

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