(Here is a common scenario from my readers:
- Man and wife have a boring sexual relationship. They both work. Kids. Stress. Blah existence. Wife angry and tired most of the time. Husband frustrated. He doesn’t feel validated and appreciated.
- Man discovers wife affair.
- Wife leaves the husband. Her behavior is “crazy” and the husband doesn’t understand any of it. Officially separated.
- Wife lives life with her new boyfriend. The relationship doesn’t work out. She’s in bad financial shape. She’s not in a mentally healthy state. She returns to the husband, cries, begs for forgiveness. Wants to work on them all over again. Expresses much regret for her behavior.
Now, most of you reading this are probably saying, “Baahahahaha!! Nope! Sorry, bitch!”. But, for those of you still on the fence, let’s break this down.
There are a bazillion potential reasons why your wife had an affair in the first place. The most common life recipe for an affair (from my readers) seems to be:
- She had awful childhood baggage. Mom cheated on dad. Dad cheated on mom. She was abandoned. She suffered abuse. Her life as a child was some form of chaos.
- She had a history of impulsive pleasure-seeking behavior. Shopping. Eating. Drinking. A promiscuous past with old boyfriends and one-night-stands. She was THAT girl in college. The husband may or may not know about her past.
- She was overstressed by life. Kids. Work. Taking care of a house. Dealing with her mental issues…. it’s all too much to deal with. She badly needed her fix of chaos to help her cope.
- She was in a marriage with the quintessential Provider, and she got bored. She needed that spark. That oomph. That something else to keep her motor going. It never came. Her nice but boring husband was no match for a woman who was born into chaos and spent her teen and young adult life seeking out dopamine hits.
The problem with these impulsive, pleasure-seeking types is that they will, invariably, fall flat on their face. Unfortunately, for the modern-day woman, there is an army of people that are ready to pick up the pieces of her mistakes and help her on her way to the next disaster. These women just don’t learn their lesson. They don’t learn from their mistakes. Nobody allows them to.
When your wayward wife comes back to you with her tail between her legs, she’s asking for a bail out. She’s asking you to clean up the mess of her huge life mistakes. She allowed her impulses to take over, she understandably failed in a big way, and she CAN’T face the music. That is just not an option for her. She needs a quick and easy solution to her problem, and YOU, Mr. Guy she lived with all those years, are the easiest target. You’re familiar. You’re a for-sure thing. Based on your behavior and temperament during her infidelity and the subsequent breakup (you probably fought to save the marriage and begged her to stay), she knows that you are vulnerable to her charms and you long for your old life back. She knows what carrot to dangle in front to get you to go where she wants you to go.
Don’t you dare fall for it.
I don’t care what everyone tells you. I don’t care what your family says. There’s no upside to taking back a woman who left you and broke up your family so that she could chase the thrill of a new man. She just proved to you that she’s not a candidate for a Real Love relationship. Stop pretending that she is something she is not.
Let’s say that she does have genuine remorse over what she did. She recognizes her faults and she owns up to her mistakes. She’s human, right? People make mistakes. I’ve said it myself: We all have the capability of doing awful things to others. You just have to find the right combination of buttons to push and you can turn anyone into a cheater. Running off and forming intimate relationships with others outside of your marriage is by no means unheard of. It’s incredibly common. Not everyone is cut out for a longterm monogamous relationship. That includes your wife.
You have discovered what your wife’s “must have affair” buttons were, and they included “Be married to a nice guy”. That doesn’t make her Satan, but it does make her a horrible wife candidate.
In essence, you’re the CEO, and you just discovered that your Vice President was stealing money from the company’s bank account and spending it on hookers and drugs. You confronted him and he quickly ran off and took a job at another company. Then he, of course, eventually got fired from that job. What does he do? He comes right back to you. He wants another chance. He will make his case and lay out reasons for his return. “Remember when we signed that big deal and made all that money last year? We can do that again!” If you take him back, you’re telling your employees, your shareholders and your customers that you can’t do any better than a drug-addicted thief who pays for hookers. That’s not a good thing for anyone involved and it will repercussions down the line for years and years.
It’s tough to find a good life partner. Finding Real Love is like winning the lottery… and that’s okay. Having a life partner is icing on the cake of your life as a Mentally Healthy Non-Needy Man. Your wife has shown you that she is not one of those good potential life partners. She has shown you that she is a losing lottery ticket. If you take this woman back, you are saying, “Hey… this is as good as I can get.”
I know you long for the days of your old life back. I know you just want this nightmare to end and to go back to the way they were. Those days are long gone, my man. There’s no going back, nor do you WANT to go back. Those times were just a smokescreen. What you have now is the reality. You married and had kids with a very broken human being. Lesson learned. Move on to bigger and better things.