For a lot of men who listen to my podcasts and read my articles where I talk about the common experiences for men dating after divorce, their first response is something like, “Uhhh… dating? What’s that? I tried. Nobody wants me. I haven’t had a girlfriend in years. I think I’m destined to be alone forever.” Sometimes they even leave these comments on my Facebook page for the entire world to see. It’s a not-so-subtle cry for attention, and ironically further puts them down into the unattractive hole they seem so desperate to escape.
Let’s just cut to the chase here. If you are a man who has put himself out in the dating market for a period of YEARS and you have zero luck (no fun dates, no sex, no good connections, no relationships), then something is most definitely wrong with YOU.
No, it’s not that “all women are psycho” or “all women just want assholes”, it’s that the product you are putting out in the market (YOU) is not what is in demand right now. That’s it. Simple stuff.
This isn’t going to be some touchy-feely “You go girl” type of content. As tough as it is, you need to remove your emotion and ego from the equation here. I know it hurts to be rejected and ignored, but you need to be blunt and analytical about this. WHY are you being rejected? Analyze. Adjust. Try again… or, just give up.
Let’s say you own a car company and have a really unique new car model that you want to sell. You spend a lot of time and money on the development of the car. You put it out in the market. Sales suck. If you read some of the reviews of the car, it turns out that nobody seems to want a hot pink car with a white fur interior and a low-powered engine with horrible mileage. While you thought it would be a cute and spunky car that teen girls would be crazy about, it turns out you were wildly wrong. The car ended up being the laughing stock of the auto industry. Do you double down and continue making the same product? Maybe put even more white fur and a different shade of hot pink? Or, do you pull the plug on the idea and listen more to your customer base for your next car model idea? Which avenue do you think gets positive results?
The car scenario may sound a little far-fetched, but the business world is FILLED with stories of obviously dumb products that have millions of dollars and thousands of hours of effort behind them. When you read these epic business failure stories, they all seem to have one thing in common: Some guy at or near the top of the company really and truly believed in the idea, didn’t listen to any of the experts telling him otherwise, and got VERY angry and lashed out at anyone that told him he was making a big mistake.
Or, it could be that the product was the brainchild of a small entrepreneur wannabe who had dreams of selling his wonder widget in stores all over the world. He mortgaged his house twice and spent every waking moment he had on the idea that he was certain would fill his bank account with millions of dollars. Then he goes to investors, maybe even on a television show like “Shark Tank”, and the reaction he gets is something along the lines of, “You can’t be serious. This is a god-awful idea.” The entrepreneur is crushed.
Are you one of these guys:
You put your bio out on six different dating apps. Nobody messages you. You decide to be more proactive. Almost zero response to messages you send to ladies. You try “lowering” your standards a bit. Still nothing. You lower more. Nothing.
You get some luck with some dating apps, but you never get past the initial messaging phase. It seems that once they get to know you, they disappear. Some even seem to block you. You’re confused. You’ve had long conversations with women that went on for hours, yet they disappear when you mention dinner and a movie.
You get past the conversation phase … but it never goes past the first date… even with the women that you feel like you really click with.
These men are at different phases of the product cycle. Some never make it out of the planning stage, some can’t get investors to agree to help them out, and some make it all the way to the store shelf… but nothing happens. Wherever the failure happens, the result is the same: No sales. Wrong product at the wrong time. Nothing in business happens until the sale is made.
Remember, women rule the online dating market. As the unforgiving data shows us, women tend to find 85% of men in the dating pool to be BELOW AVERAGE in attractiveness (men tend to be more fair, giving most women the expected rating of “average”). That’s right, when women look at all of the products on the proverbial store shelf, only 15% of what is offered is worthy of their time and effort. So, right off the bat, you got your work cut out for you. Your market is very VERY finicky.
On the flip-side, a very average woman can put her bio out on any number of dating sites and apps, and she WILL get a large number of likes and messages. Her product is highly sought after. The story is not the same for the average dude. That’s just the way it is. You’re not getting anywhere by belly-aching about it.
According to your prospective customers, your product didn’t make the cut. Another product two shelves over looks way better.
Now, you can do what a lot of men do in these situations: You can give up. You can point at the customers (the women) and claim they are all stupid and don’t know any better. You can say they wouldn’t know a good product if it bit them in the face. You can go on Youtube and find a plethora of MGTOW type videos espousing that there is no hope for men like you, but that’s okay because these women will all die alone with lots of cats. In the end, the universe will make sure you all have a fair distribution of misery.
Sounds like a pleasantly nihilistic view of the world. Hope it gives you some sense of justice and fairness. But in the meantime, you’re still not getting laid.
WHO are you going after?
Like any good business person, I think you need to identify your prospective customers and how your product matches their needs. Are you looking for casual fun? Do you want to enjoy the company of beautiful and interesting women… but don’t really enjoy the idea of settling down again? Looking for the next Mrs. Right? Once you’ve properly defined what it is you actually WANT out of the dating experience, take a step back and look at yourself (the product) and ask yourself if you really are a good match for that targeted customer base.
If you are a guy who has been a dad and father for 20 years, you wear an old trusty 10-year-old pair of white New Balance sneakers, your wardrobe consists of “practical no-nonsense” clothes purchased from Walmart, and you drive a minivan that you plan on driving “until the wheels fall off”… you’re PROBABLY not the type of dude to snag super hot and fun younger gals whose idea of a good time is hitting the clubs until 3:00am. You’ll either need to go through a complete and lengthy personal transformation to mold yourself better to that market, or you need to just set those ladies aside and go for the also-divorced 40-somethings who enjoy knitting, watching their kids play soccer, and for whom “going a little crazy” consists of having one can of light beer at the next family barbecue.
Totally different audience. Totally different set of needs and expectations. If you’re THAT dude, then you’re not a Ferrari. You’re a Ford F-150. You don’t want to waste time and advertising dollars putting up billboards in Beverly Hills. You’re better off running an ad on cable TV during the Nascar race. You get where I’m going with this…
The “hot young gal chased by the older frumpy dude” scenario is an extreme example, but it’s illustrative of the main point: You’re batting way out of your league. Yes, I know you’re not shooting messages to the super young hot gals. I know you’re sticking to the gals that are more in your “appropriate” age range and sending messages to the ones that you seem to have something in common with. I know, you’re still getting nowhere. Why? Because, based on the laws of the cold and ruthless mating game, you might as well be hitting on those young gals. The chances of one of them saying, “Oh yes! I’ll gladly go out with you” are about the same. Why? Your product. It stinks. It may need major modification, some fine-tuning, or to be scrapped completely and thrown in the waste bin.
I know being told “you’re not good enough” hurts to hear, but it’s the truth. It’s also productive. It should give you a glimmer of hope. Unlike the myriad of people telling you, “Don’t worry, you’ll find somebody”, I’m telling you the truth. To find what you WANT means making some very real changes to your behavior.
The product is not in demand. Listen to your audience. Change accordingly. It’s really that simple.
Exactly how and what should you change? More on that in future articles.